Feeling a little rejected when my girlfriend isn't in the mood....

Keane2baMused

baby and crumble wrote: »

To be fair to the OP, if you haven't experienced sexual rejection (by someone you love, not just random people obviously), it's very difficult. Ok, so maybe he is a bit unrealistic in his relationship expectations, but I can assure you, being rejected by someone you love and want has serious ramifications.

Now obviously you can't just badger someone into sex, or expect sex all the time, but I think there is a reasonable expectation that sex is part of a mature, adult relationship. If it suddenly disappears it's very confusing and upsetting.

I completely agree it can be damaging, but from what it sounds like it doesn't seem to have completely disappeared.

Having repeated UTI's, stress etc are common place and normal reasons why a couple may not have sex for a time. It's when it's completely absent for no reason is when I would worry. This OP has gotten unrealistic expectations based on past experience and wholey expects his current partner to keep in line with what he wants (or sounds like it).

Give and take (scuse the pun) has to work both ways (which the OP doesn't appear to realise) and if he wants this to be a lasting relationship he will have to settle down a bit and find a way to come to the terms with not having sex on tap like he wants.

MarkHayer

Thanks for the responses and advice.

I'm not even going to begin to address all of the ways that people have misinterpreted me, and taken me for a sex crazed selfish git. If that's what you think I am, fine. But you don't know me, and it wasn't helpful to have so many people make unkind and often highly inaccurate assumptions about my character and about the nature of my relationship (based on the small amount of information given here, perhaps it says a lot more about you than me?).

For those that gave genuinely helpful advice without knee-jerk reactions, assumptions and judgement, I thank you from my heart.

I'm completely happy with our relationship as it is, and today I talked to my partner about how much I've loved living with her. She reciprocated and I could tell it was genuine. Since created this post I've taken the (helpful and non-judgemental) posters' advice and backed off a bit on the sex side. I've given her time to heal and I've let go of my urge to make love whenever we go to bed together. I've taken care of her and put her needs before mine (and enjoyed doing it). And it's been really lovely We've certainly deepened our connection in lots of nice ways, and I don't feel sex is so important anyway. I can't deny that I've got a high sex drive, and if I could get it every day I probably would... but the thing is, I know I don't need it. I've had two years of abstinence when single - right before this relationship - and now I'm happy to deepen my connection to someone who I consider to be a wonderful human being, and sex isn't important to me. It's nice to have, but I'm letting go of the feeling of rejection if we don't have sex a few nights, or if we don't always have the same level of horniness. And I actually noticed that when I was less sexual with my gf, she actually started initiating sexual contact with me on unexpected occasions. Giving her more space and letting her come to me and initiate things a bit more is working much better. And like one poster mentioned, it's good to get back in with my own interests, hobbies and be happy with myself... building my own self-esteem, and not focusing too much on the relationship. I think that is one of the most helpful things of all. I think you can fall in love with your partner again and again, in different ways!

For those doom sayers who say we aren't compatible and that this relationship is in big trouble... you're entitled to your opinion, but I highly disagree. And I believe in working at relationships, being flexible and changing our expectations and ways of living. If your SO is someone you truly love and want to have in your life, then it actually isn't difficult. I've found it quite easy so far. You should try it sometime instead of throwing in the towel at the first sign of an "incompatibility"

Big Bag of Chips

MarkHayer wrote: »

I believe in working at relationships, being flexible and changing our expectations and ways of living. If your SO is someone you truly love and want to have in your life, then it actually isn't difficult. I've found it quite easy so far. You should try it sometime instead of throwing in the towel at the first sign of an "incompatibility"

Fair play to you, OP. I couldn't agree more with what you said here. These days it seems everything is disposable, easily replaceable and all too often the advice is "walk away, now". Even to people married 10, 15, 20 years. Yes, sometimes the ONLY option is to walk away. But more often than not problems can be worked through. If we took a poll of internet forums as a guide for how many marriages/long term relationships end, I'd say we could expect 95% of marriages to end in divorce!

I wish the two of you well.

zcorpian88

Was in a similar spot, I would be a few years younger than yourself op, was in a long distance relationship for nearly two years, the sex was awesome, we always drove each other wild.

During the last I would say 2 months of the relationship the sex was starting to wane more and more, and in our relationship I was the one travelling to see her 90% of the time, spending insane amounts of money and even passing up on great opportunities (a job offer being one of them just to keep that relationship fresh and moving forward) anyway she'd go completely cold when I'd start to initiate it, last time we did it would have been on her rarer visits to my house and we done it on my couch.

Then over the next 6 weeks or so, none at all, and when that happens you don't want to be the prick and start arguments over it but for a 20 something year old couple, it should be an important and regular part of the relationship, and even more so in a long distance relationship because we wouldn't have had the privilege of living closer and spending sufficient time with each other so naturally I wanted both of us to benefit fully from the relationship. She was doing a phD at the time so her mind was always on that and barely on us, when it should be the best of both worlds, she wasn't taking enough time for herself so she could have any form of fun with me.

Anyway my birthday comes along, I'm one for wanting all the people that are important to me to come out and enjoy and mark the day with me, naturally I wanted my girlfriend there, she announces a week before it that she can't come down for it, she's had data to do for her phD and some bint of a colleague in America is giving her a hard time over it and has her tied to her computer for the best part of a fortnight. I was unhappy about it but I let it go thinking she would use her head and make it up to me, (because I would in a nanosecond for her) she gave me some DVD's for my birthday, didn't really blink and eyelid at me most of the weekend and continued working, I let it go because she was under pressure.

The next week came, marked my birthday but was feeling s**t all day because in my group I've had to celebrate many of their birthdays and their partner was always there to make what would be if you were single it would be a pleasant enough day but when you have a girlfriend it makes the day a lot more enjoyable, special and significant so I was feeling really bad all day and I put a brave face on and tried to enjoy the night, but my friends read me like a book and they knew I was not happy.

The following week I go up to herself, and it's the same story, still parked in front of the laptop, I put on a movie for us to watch, still has that laptop on and insists that she is watching it but you can't work and focus on a movie at the same time, it's one of my pet peeves kind of, why put on a movie if you're not paying attention to it? Plus I fancied cuddling up and watching it, I'm a man, and yeah I like a cuddle. Bit hard to cuddle when there is a f**king macbook on her lap. And the whole weekend goes by and I still have to make an advance on her? It was my birthday the previous week she missed, I'm not going to use the word "entitled" but in a relationship, a long distance one at that, where the boyfriend bends over backwards to do everything she wants, when she wants. She deliberately misses my birthday the week before and doesn't really acknowledge or think "Oh my boyfriend didn't have my companionship for his birthday and I again choose my work over him, maybe I should make it up to him in a way that he'd like" but no, the cold shoulder again all weekend. Annoyed me that I have to keep initiating it where a few months ago it was pretty 50/50, where did that girlfriend go?

Made me feel like the most undesirable piece of s**t ever. I like to think most men would get it especially on their birthday? Am I wrong here? Sorry to sort of steal your spotlight OP but I'm trying to relate to what you're saying. I already had something of an issue with this same girlfriend over her not wanting children one day and I thought she would change her mind and I wasn't going to bring it up till Christmas was out of the way, but when she was pushing me away and making me feel alienated, rejected and unwanted I essentially got extremely burned out and ended it, which I'll admit destroyed me because I did love her and I wanted to continue but there was less and less give on her end and I feel she was increasingly strangling the life out of the relationship and making it unfun and un-enjoyable in the present and by the looks of things and her frame of mind there wasn't anything to look forward to in the future either and she was letting it go stagnant and I just had enough.

Anyway sorry to write something that long OP and steal your spotlight but at least you know there is more of us out there.

SB_Part2

If your gf doesn't want sex she doesn't want sex and just because it's your birthday doesn't make a blind bit of difference. You are coming across as if you are owed sex because she missed your birthday.

zcorpian88

SB_Part2 wrote: »

If your gf doesn't want sex she doesn't want sex and just because it's your birthday doesn't make a blind bit of difference. You are coming across as if you are owed sex because she missed your birthday.

Not so much owed but the gesture would have been appreciated, I mean I always bent over backwards and beyond to do really nice things for her, spoiled her rotten so she'd never want for anything and accommodated her every need, is it really too much to ask to be a bit desired after a very long journey to see her which I made a hell of a lot more than her coming to see me, and I'd have wanted the intimacy/sex whether she missed my birthday or not, more so for definite if she missed it.

The sex isn't all about the feel good factor of the act (yeah it's a bonus) but it is also about being loved, appreciated and being accepted. Where in our case it wasn't happening when it mattered.

LegacyUser

MarkHayer wrote: »

I'm not even going to begin to address all of the ways that people have misinterpreted me, and taken me for a sex crazed selfish git. If that's what you think I am, fine. But you don't know me, and it wasn't helpful to have so many people make unkind and often highly inaccurate assumptions about my character and about the nature of my relationship (based on the small amount of information given here, perhaps it says a lot more about you than me?).

As one of the posters who fits into that category, I'd have to say I stand over what I first posted and the above does nothing to change my view, it really comes across as though the posts you're referring to touched a nerve, so you feel the need to say they're all wrong while the posters who, in your view, sided with you are all much more perceptive. The rest of your post comes across as congratulating yourself for not expecting your girlfriend to have sex when she doesn't want to. If anything, your post reinforces my initial view of your approach to this.

MarkHayer

zcorpian88 wrote: »

SB_Part2 wrote: »

If your gf doesn't want sex she doesn't want sex and just because it's your birthday doesn't make a blind bit of difference. You are coming across as if you are owed sex because she missed your birthday.

Not so much owed but the gesture would have been appreciated, I mean I always bent over backwards and beyond to do really nice things for her, spoiled her rotten so she'd never want for anything and accommodated her every need, is it really too much to ask to be a bit desired after a very long journey to see her which I made a hell of a lot more than her coming to see me, and I'd have wanted the intimacy/sex whether she missed my birthday or not, more so for definite if she missed it.

The sex isn't all about the feel good factor of the act (yeah it's a bonus) but it is also about being loved, appreciated and being accepted. Where in our case it wasn't happening when it mattered.

Feel free to steal the spotlight, as my PI is pretty much resolved now.

But as for you. Well, you can expect to be treated harshly and insensitively by a lot of the posters here. And they'll probably make you feel pretty bad about yourself.

But before they do, I would like to stress that you are man normal human being, with wants and needs in a relationship. One of those wants / needs is a little thing called equality. Feeling like you're on a level playing pitch, and that there is sufficient give and take, and a nice balance.

I would personally feel that communication is a big issue in your relationship. You should consider looking up "non-violent communication" and finding ways to communicate with partners that is non-accusative, or harsh, but still states how you are feeling about her behaviour. And also, if you get hurt by something, you should always let your partner know; "you know when you do this, I feel hurt, unloved or neglected. I appreciate that you probably didn't mean any harm, but this is just how I was feeling". Without accusing, and owning your emotions, you can let your partner know, in a constructive way, that their behaviour may have impacted you, whether intentionally or unintentionally.

Did you manage to get back with your gf in the end? As you said, she was probably going through a very stressful time, but it was something you two could have communicated about and maybe created boundaries around it to define what was acceptable behaviour and acceptable compromises on both sides. Her needs for work, your need to be given some attention and care, and a little time.

Lau2976

Zcorpion88 It sounds like the issue for you and your gf was more related to not communicating properly. In your post it sounds like she was extremely busy and stressed and to her at the time work was more important. While to you, you were at a time in your life where you had a better work/life balance.

That isn't to say she was in the wrong, just that she was working towards a career and to her you were wprking towards a family with her. A family she didn't seem to want.

The whole birthday sex thing IMO stems from that because sex was a special treat to you as opposed to being a special moment for both of you.

Ursus Horribilis

As soon as I saw zcorpian88 I just knew what was in store for us. Seriously man, did you ever go seek professional help to get over your ex? I'm not the first person who has suggested it either I might add. Those long long posts venting about your ex strongly suggest to me that you should talk to someone. This is consuming you and it's not healthy.

zcorpian88

My problem was I do bottle things up and I tried too hard to be the nice, accommodating perfect boyfriend (not to blow my own trumpet) I did this really only because it was always extremely difficult to find a girlfriend especially someone like her, who I hit it off with straight away. I didn't want to be an arsehole in any way shape or form, have had to watch a lot of douchebags who were not friends or merely acquaintances of mine pull these really lovely girlfriends and they treat them like s**t and I just didn't want to do that and I was overly nice to anyone who took an interest in me, so I was delighted when this particular person came along.

I was besotted with her but not like clingy at all but I did certainly appreciate every moment I had with her, and those last 2 weekends I had with her, it was hitting me like harder and harder slaps in the face when she kept choosing her phD over our relationship, in my head she had Monday to Friday and every second weekend to work on her stuff, I was flexible enough and was ok with her doing a few bits and pieces while I was up with her, but when it turns into like a marathon of button mashing that goes well into a Saturday afternoon and even into the night when most people should be winding down and relaxing, she would be there at it till 11/12 at night, then she'd go to bed and leave me down in the living room confused and thinking "What the f**k?"

I did spend 4 hours travelling to get there for both of us to enjoy the relationship and I mean all aspects of it, since we couldn't have that relationship in our locality. When I started going out with her I was cautious that her academic schedule could interfere with the relationship, she was in the final months of her masters at the time and I was wondering what would happen after that, but she decided to do a phD because in her line of work, the government don't have any funding or resources to give her a full time beneficial position, so off she went and started the phD, and surprise, surprise it got in the way of the relationship. All I could think all weekend is try not to explode and call her supervisor a complete wanker for e-mailing all day Saturday and into the evening time and being pissed off about her other colleague in America e-mailing and wanting Skype chats at 8 or 9 at night, as it's still early afternoon in the states, and all I was thinking was "F**k sake, 4+ hours on a bus for this **** before she heads off to bed, feeling like I'm some bogus acquaintance rather than her loving caring boyfriend that would break his back for her,

I'd like to think she was intelligent with all her degree's, her masters and how academically generally achieved she was, she couldn't switch herself off, stop being selfish and become a little bit more human and less robotic and constantly pleasing these people, none of these people go out of their way to come see her, they didn't turn down a job for her you'd think she'd come to the realization and tell by my body language and my sort of passive aggressiveness all weekend that I was thinking "we are in a long distance relationship and travelled a long way to come see her" It's a wasted journey for me, it's a waste of time and money that I don't really have to be spending on a non beneficial relationship where I'm there feeling like I have no place in her life and what we should want isn't worth a damn.

And no OP I haven't gotten back with her, she is actually in town this weekend for an event she liked to come to in my locality, funny that, when it's my birthday she won't make the journey but if the journey suits her own purpose she's down like a light. Probably the reason I wrote all this here in the first place, I'm somewhat aggravated and won't set foot outside the house (even on a gloriously sunny day like today) in case I bump into her which would happen, my luck is that bad, the thread just hits a sore subject for me because I can relate.

batmanrobin

Odus fell down wrote: »

As soon as I saw zcorpian88 I just knew what was in store for us. Seriously man, did you ever go seek professional help to get over your ex. Those long long passages you post here point to someone who could do with talking to someone.

Yeah, I'd second this! Zcorpian, I'm not being facetious, you really do need to speak to a professional about this. Every time you post about that relationship, you reiterate it word for word. It's really unhealthy. You really need to make peace with the past and move on.

dudara

@zcorpian88 - this thread is not about you and your experiences. Please confine yourself to offering advice to the OP.

dudara

LegacyUser

MarkHayer wrote: »

But as for you. Well, you can expect to be treated harshly and insensitively by a lot of the posters here. And they'll probably make you feel pretty bad about yourself.

OP you got the replies you got because of what you had written. We only have your posts to go on and the picture you painted with your choice of words is what people based their advice and comments. Perhaps take the time to re-read what you write before posting and ask yourself if there is a better way to phrase your thoughts in order to express yourself more clearly and thus get advice you seek quicker. You've also posted several times with issues with the same relationship so of course peoples advice is going to become more and more blunt when it becomes clear it's not being taken on board. I hope you have sorted your issues out and your not going to be back posting again in a few weeks/months but only time will tell.