Feeling a little rejected when my girlfriend isn't in the mood....

MarkHayer

At the moment I'm not sure who to talk to about this.

Basically, I'm in my early 30s and I've been in couple long term relationships before my current one. And in both of those relationships, sex was pretty much a given at night and in the morning unless there was some reason we couldn't (if we were both very tired, had to rush somewhere in the morn, or my partner was having her period). In otherwords, myself and my partner would have sex *most* days we were together at least once, provided there was time and space to do it. I guess we both had a relatively high sex drive and high level of physical attraction. If I was a bit tired and not so much in the mood but she was really up for it, we would have sex. If she was a bit tired and not so horny and I was really up for it, we would still probably make it happen with a bit of effort. But something would happen most nights and it we always managed to get each other going... even in situations where we'd return late, exhausted from a flight, etc... we'd still somehow manage to have sex. or at least a make out session, lots of kissing, touching, etc. and then go to sleep afterwards.

Now in my current relationship, this really isn't the case. We go through periods when we have sex 3 or 4 times in a week. And periods where it doesn't happen for weeks. And periods when she is just a bit cold and I'm there just waiting for her to feel the urge again... ready, eager, willing... And it's difficult for me to adjust to the new situation somewhat. Basically, I feel that she's always in control of when, and if, we have sex. I'm pretty much always up for it. Even when I'm tired, or in the morning before work, or if we wake up on a Saturday and have no major plans, I'm 100% up for having some intimacy and sex. I prioritise that, even if it means I'm losing sleep, or missing doing my morning [insert exercise routine here]. And sometimes she is really up for it too of course. But sometimes she really isn't, and recently (in the last 3 weeks or more) she's been going through a stressful time in life and she just hasn't been in the mood much. Cuddles are always on the cards thankfully, and we're very affectionate with each other. but I'm starting to feel a bit "pushy" or desperate, as I always try and take things in a sexual direction and recently she doesn't really respond sexually to me, or just lies there and lets me get turned as I touch and look at her body before she hugs me more and asks me to turn out the lights (to sleep). There are times at night when I'll be lucky to get a couple of kisses on the lips.

In all of this, I'm starting to just feel like I'm always the one who is making the moves to bring things in a sexual direction, and that I'm appearing like I always want to have sex with my constant hard-ons and my attempts to turn her on. And it's getting to the point that I'm just feeling rejected as she's the one in control ultimately if it happens or not.

Though recently it's more pronounced, there have also been times in the past (when she hasn't been going through stressful times) and I felt that she de-prioritised sex and intimacy a bit more than me. Like we're going to bed late-ish, and she'll say "lets read that book together", which basically means no sex because we'll be sleepy by the end of it. Or we'll wake up, and she'll say "hey, let's go [insert physical exercise here] before breakfast, which means we won't have time for sex either.

Have I communicated it? Yes I have. I told her I'd felt rejected when I'm "always on" and just basically waiting for her to open the doors, while she just doesn't appear to prioritise sex or makes it clear that sex isn't on the cards, or does some other random task which appears like avoidance of sex. It annoys me that I'm always the one eager and waiting for more intimacy when she isn't. But she said that she just hadn't been thinking about sex so much, and there were other things on her mind. Which I found a bit alarming in some ways... but she has also recently had issues with bladder infection and tightness in her area, so perhaps this also plays a role. We agreed in the end to set up "love dates" sometimes, where we'll agree on a day and time to have sex. We did it a couple of times and it worked great, but I'm always the one asking to arrange a love date and now, I don't feel like doing it anymore because again I don't want to come across as pushy. Perhaps I should ask for more sex, but right now I'd prefer her to make some moves.

When we have sex, it's really amazing. Which makes the absence even more difficult to deal with. Not only that, but she tells me it's the best lovemaking she's ever had and nobody has ever made her feel so wonderful. And I feel the same. And we really love each other and are getting on really well in so many other ways, and I'm very happy in general in the relationship.

But it's just that sometimes I compare to previous girlfriends, and I wonder what's going on. Even in previous ones, when my partner was stressed, or ill or whatever... sex didn't stop. If anything, we'd have more sex to blast away the stress. I guess everyone is different.

I was wondering if others have had similar issues with their partners? Perhaps we just have different sex drives, or less requirement for regular sex? perhaps for her, there are a range of things that need to be in place for sex to take place. Whereas for other women I've been with, sex was always on the cards, even a quickie in some cases. Or even sex multiple times in the same day.

As a side note, last night when she asked to turn out the light and sleep, I was so turned on I started touching myself. She noticed, and then she brought me to orgasm using her hands, and I could sense she got turned on as well. So she isn't totally insensitive to my needs, but ... she just isn't in the mood and it's been a few weeks since we had sex and I'm a little concerned.

And now I'm getting to the point where - after communicating with her, and letting her know how if feel, that my only option is to go a bit cold and she how she responds to that. It's hard for me, but I'll try and pretend I'm not turned on and not interested in sex and keep doing this until maybe eventually she'll start to make some moves. Otherwise I'm just going to keep feeling rejected a bit.

Thanks for any help!

racso1975

MarkHayer wrote: »

And now I'm getting to the point where - after communicating with her, and letting her know how if feel, that my only option is to go a bit cold and she how she responds to that. It's hard for me, but I'll try and pretend I'm not turned on and not interested in sex and keep doing this until maybe eventually she'll start to make some moves. Otherwise I'm just going to keep feeling rejected a bit.

Thanks for any help!

Please don't do the above. Relationships should not be about fighting fire with fire. She in all likely hood is not doing this to make you feel bad whereas what you suggest is a deliberate action

Just a couple of things. You need to realise that not everybody has the same sex drive. In some relationships it will start in abundance but will diminish as other parts of the relationship develops. In others it will continue on. Were you happy with things prior to her infection?

In your post you have not mentioned how all the rest of the relationship is? It would be good to get your take on this as well as hers. Also how old is the relationship?

You will need to make a call on this at some stage op if it does not change. I did end up in a marriage with somebody with an exceptionally diminished (months without not weeks) sex drive and it drove me crazy like you it started as feeling rejection to feeling self hatred as this person obviously did not fancy me (in my own head) due to how I looked etc etc

I would also suggest you forget about comparing current to previous relationships. Doing this when you are having problems leads to "the grass was greener" situation. There was obviously reasons they did not work.

ChampagnePop

If she's having trouble with bladder infections I can see why she's avoiding sex, they're horrible and can linger for a very long time, I think this is playing a larger role than you realise

LegacyUser

Your description of your previous relationship makes it sound like an athletic competition, quite, shallow, cold and unfeeling and just about the numbers. Sounds like quite an immature approach to relationships. It's also a relationship that ended, so it ultimately failed. All-in-all, not really a template for comparing other relationships.

You also say very little about the rest of your current relationship aside from the sex. Your girlfriend is, as you said, going through some stresses which may be undermining her need to be intimate with you, but I would also imagine that she is seeing a more comprehensive version of what your post says and what your post says is that sex is your priority. If that's what she's seeing, I'd be unsurprised if she's withdrawing from intimacy and I'd be equally unsurprised if she eventually withdrew from the relationship.

I don't think your girlfriend is the problem here, just the symptom. Take a hard look at your attitude to her before you do anything else.

MarkHayer

racso1975 wrote: »

Were you happy with things prior to her infection?

In your post you have not mentioned how all the rest of the relationship is? It would be good to get your take on this as well as hers. Also how old is the relationship?

How did your marriage work out in the end?

We are together 9 months now. It started with lots of cuddling and intimacy. No sex for the first couple of weeks together. Then we had some amazing sex for a few weeks, then a month of no sex, then after that it was regular sex a few times a week. After being apart at Christmas, we had a rip-roaring sex life for a few weeks and it was amazing... thought we had gotten into a pattern, then it would go quiet. Then dribs and drabs, and now it's gone very quiet. My sex drive is always fairly high though, but I'm using meditation / yoga to calm it down and that's working well.

When my partner wants sex, she is really very passionate and sexual and she tells me she finds me really attractive and beautiful, and that I turn her on so much (and yes, she does get very very turned on and easily orgasms).

The rest of the relationship is really good. We share lots of things and have really deepened our relationship in the past few months, and she's moving in to my place very soon. We do everything together and have worked thorough any problems in a positive way.

MarkHayer

ChampagnePop wrote: »

If she's having trouble with bladder infections I can see why she's avoiding sex, they're horrible and can linger for a very long time, I think this is playing a larger role than you realise

Yes, it's been lingering a lot and sometimes the day after sex she feels very cold down there and uncomfortable. The last three times we tried to have sex, she was too tight to allow me to penetrate so it's just been stimulation instead. This is strange because she had never been tight in the past. But the doctor said this (bladder infection) was quite common and not to worry. Advised anti-biotics if she really needs it (but she's against that).

njs030

MarkHayer wrote: »

Yes, it's been lingering a lot and sometimes the day after sex she feels very cold down there and uncomfortable. The last three times we tried to have sex, she was too tight to allow me to penetrate so it's just been stimulation instead. This is strange because she had never been tight in the past. But the doctor said this (bladder infection) was quite common and not to worry. Advised anti-biotics if she really needs it (but she's against that).

Sex can make bladder infections worse as the movement creates friction and can even push more bacteria up into the bladder. I would abstain as well if I had a bladder infection.

I agree you need to stop comparing, your ex might have been great sexually but obviously you weren't compatible or you'd still be together!

ChampagnePop

MarkHayer wrote: »

Yes, it's been lingering a lot and sometimes the day after sex she feels very cold down there and uncomfortable. The last three times we tried to have sex, she was too tight to allow me to penetrate so it's just been stimulation instead. This is strange because she had never been tight in the past. But the doctor said this (bladder infection) was quite common and not to worry. Advised anti-biotics if she really needs it (but she's against that).

I know this is will sound harsh, but I think your being incredibly selfish, from what your saying it seems your pleasure is more important to you then your girlfriends health.
Are you aware of what you should be doing before/ during/after sex to reduce the likelihood of her having bladder issues? Because if not read up ASAP, you have a responsibility here as well

Sleepy

OP, ime, you were pretty lucky in your earlier relationships. There are very few women whose libido matches that of the average man and even less who maintain that level of drive in a long-term relationship. Once kids come along, your idea of a "problem" i.e. 3/4 times per week is pretty much typical of a couple with a healthy sex drive. There are some who manage it more frequently, but they're rare and there are terrifyingly high numbers of posts on here for whom 3/4 times a week would be a dream.

racso1975

MarkHayer wrote: »

How did your marriage work out in the end?

Broke up after 10 years of trying to make it work with only arguments we ever had being about sex.

Ursus Horribilis

Is this the same girlfriend who wanted to go meet a guy she had previously fancied? http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2057573583/6?

Ursus Horribilis

I'm going to work on the basis that your girlfriend is the same one from your other thread I mentioned above. My take on this is that you've been ploughing ahead with this relationship while wearing a pair of blinkers. You obviously resolved the issue that was in the other thread but I still consider it to be a giant, flashing, neon lights warning. Just two months ago, your girlfriend wanted to go meet a guy she had had a "connection" with and was saying things that set off alarm bells with a lot of people who replied to you on that thread. Were they all wrong?

There are a couple of things going on here I think. One is that your sex drive and hers don't match (bladder infections aside). If her sex drive hasn't matched yours up until now, it's never going to. If I had a Euro for every thread I've seen here from men trapped in sexless relationships, I'd be able to retire to a desert island. This is a warning sign. If frequent sex is important to you - and it seems to be, going by the very in-depth detail you went into here - you're not going to get it from your girlfriend. Don't delude yourself into thinking otherwise.
Seconding, reading your previous thread and this one here, I wonder is she as committed to this relationship as you are. It's obvious that you're crazy about her. Maybe too in love with her as someone pointed out on the other thread. I'm not getting that impression from her behaviour at all. Are you sure moving in together so soon is wise?

MarkHayer

Thanks for your responses, but please don't bring the other thread into this. I tried to post anonymously but it wouldn't allow me due to ip.

Yes, we worked the stuff out from the other thread and she is very committed to me. Let's close that chapter now.

Anyway, I actually think I'm probably being a bit selfish as others have mentioned. And I need to just get a grip and maybe put her needs before mine for a while, and support her through this period. I'm probably too focused on sex at times so perhaps it's no harm to leave that aside for a while.

And it's annoying sometimes how people keep jumping to conclusions about other aspects of the relationship when really they've no idea. I love and respect her, I've helped her through a lot of stuff and my post isn't as self centered as some of you have perceived. I'm just doing a sanity check here, and I got my response - a)men generally have a much higher sex drive and b) it's quite normal in most relationships that the man doesn't get as much sex as he'd like. And you know... I'm happy to live with that because I love her so much, I honestly don't mind if we're having sex, or just sharing nice moments reading a book, walking hand in hand, or comforting each other after a challenging day.

LegacyUser

MarkHayer wrote: »

I honestly don't mind if we're having sex, or just sharing nice moments reading a book, walking hand in hand, or comforting each other after a challenging day.

..you minded enough to post the thread in the first place? Other posters are only bringing other parts of the relationship into the post because to give non biased advice they need the back story of the whole relationship, not just what you wish to tell us.

IMO, there is no point in burying your head in the sand with this one,as another poster said if your sex drives aren't matching up now they probably never will and you will need to address the issue at some stage. If she is unwell at the moment,be as supportive as possible. However, if you dont face the issue at some stage when she is feeling better,you will become more resentful towards her even if she hasn't done anything wrong. Communication is key

ChampagnePop

OP, I really hope you took my previous post seriously regarding educating yourself on how to prevent bladder infections, not all women get them, but a lot are susceptible to them so there's a lot of information out there.

Even if this isn't the root cause of the lack of sex in your relationship it's still something you need to educate yourself on for your relationship, she should as well by the way, your both in this together.

beks101

The first thing I thought when reading your post was phew, how exhausting.

Sex every day multiple times a day? Every night and every morning without fail? I'm wildly attracted to my OH and we have a great sex life but that sort of territory was reserved to the first few months when we were in the honeymoon of our relationship. Life happens, you grow closer emotionally and become used to one another and things like work and stress and plans and emotions take precedence over ripping each other's clothes off any chance you can get. My OH isn't dissatisfied not to get it twice a day either, I'd hazard a guess that your sex drive is far above average even by male standards.

Instead of fixating on your sexual needs, how about focusing on your gf's needs and how they are/are not being met? Maybe she feels this pressure to be sexual with you every time you're in bed together and it turns her off? Maybe when she's stressed she needs affection and love instead of sex? Maybe she needs to feel comfortable and safe to have sex and the bladder problems are preventing that? And most of all, maybe you need to consider the fact that her sex drive will never ever match yours, that your amazing sex life with your exes is completely irrelevant not least because those relationships all failed, your OH is not any of your exes, she is a completely different woman and this is a completely different relationship?

Sound Bite

Op, do you use sex and women to validate yourself? Do you need to work on your self esteem? It seems to be a reoccuring theme in your threads?

Ignatius in bloom

I would imagine that your gf is pulling away because you seem like you need to be validated all the time. That's exhausting and ultimately a mood killer for anyone. You really need to find your own way of fulfilment and what makes you happy independently of another person.

There is no quicker way to lose a sex drive than When one feels pressured to fulfill another persons insecurities through physical or even emotional interactions. Boundaries do and should exist still In a relationship and it's important to read them as they can save you your relationship. Get your own life too and build up your own interests separately to that of your relationship.

Give space and understanding to the other person as they probably don't see the world the way you do and to be honest no one wants to be touched, stared at and be touched all the time! Sometimes lying in silence apart but in the same space is the most intimate and close feeling two people can share as they unwind and relax after another day finishes.

Big Bag of Chips

You do come across quite intense, OP. As mentioned already it all sounds exhausting. Do you live with your gf? Did you live with your other gfs? Sometimes, even in a relationship, a person just likes to be alone. In their own space without someone on top of them. Maybe your post is coming across as intense because your issue is with the physical side, and that is what you are discussing... But this constant kissing, holding hands, "make out sessions", cuddling etc, it might be for some people, but it wouldn't be for everyone.

Maybe you and your gf just aren't compatible. You're VERY touchy/feely/physical and she's less so. There are girls out there who would like that level of contact.. you've already been with 2 of them. So if it means that much to you, you might have to consider finding someone more aligned to your needs. Or.. You compromise a little and give your current gf a bit of space when you sense she needs it.

bee06

I find it very strange that in your previous relationships you'd still have sex when one party wasn't really in the mood. It all seems very forced and over the top. It's ok to not want sex all the time. Were these long term relationships?

As for the UTI's, maybe you don't understand (or she hasn't explained what it feels like) but trust me, the last thing you want to do with a UTI is have sex.

It sounds like you have very different sex drives. I wouldn't be assuming that it's just going to get better either. You're just burying your head in the sand if you do that.

Dial Hard

beks101 wrote:

Sex every day multiple times a day? Every night and every morning without fail? I'm wildly attracted to my OH and we have a great sex life but that sort of territory was reserved to the first few months when we were in the honeymoon of our relationship.

They're only going out 9 months.

Honestly, even taking the UTI out of the equation, there are enough red flags about their sexual compatibility at this early stage for me to think this isn't a relationship with legs.

LegacyUser

MarkHayer wrote: »

And you know... I'm happy to live with that because I love her so much, I honestly don't mind if we're having sex, or just sharing nice moments reading a book, walking hand in hand, or comforting each other after a challenging day.

Doesn't sound like you're happy to live with because in your OP you said:

MarkHayer wrote: »

Though recently it's more pronounced, there have also been times in the past (when she hasn't been going through stressful times) and I felt that she de-prioritised sex and intimacy a bit more than me. Like we're going to bed late-ish, and she'll say "lets read that book together", which basically means no sex because we'll be sleepy by the end of it. Or we'll wake up, and she'll say "hey, let's go [insert physical exercise here] before breakfast, which means we won't have time for sex either.

She wants to be spend time with you but it sounds like sex is massive priority for you and honestly it doesn't sound healthy the way you talk about it. Yes people have different sex drives (it's not a men/women thing) but your comments about always being mad to go and having hard ons all the time sounds just like too much for anyone regardless of their sex drive. I can understand the start of relationship and after being apart which you admit you have lots of sex when you'd been apart for a bit but it's not possible to keep that up long term - relationships have dips and peaks - if it's just humping like rabbits all the time I'd get frankly bored after a while.

When you mention these other long term relationships exactly how long term where they?

ManOfMystery

OP,

I mostly agree with the sentiments that everyone else is expressing. Sex is obviously an important part of any relationships, and it's not uncommon for one partner to have a higher sex drive than the other. However you seem almost fixated on the sex part of the relationship and important factors like (a) your partner's sex drive, (b) the very important fact of her having a bladder infection and (c) the fact that she is not the same person as your exes, all seems to get only a brief mention.

I don't mean to sound insulting when I say this, but you come across like a dog on heat - you yourself say you're always up for it, hard-ons all the time, etc. I'm sure it's flattering to a girl in the beginning that you should find her so sexually attractive, but it sounds like it would be exhausting as time goes on.

No-one here can tell you your sex drive is wrong, or you have some kind of problem. You don't - everyone is different, and there's no 'right' or 'wrong'. What I can say is that you when you focus hugely on any one part of a relationship (in this case, sex) at the expense of others, it can end badly. Relax a little and enjoy the quality time you have with your girlfriend. Sex should come naturally as a result of a close intimacy, love and attraction between 2 people, but you're giving off vibes of it needing to be done to give you a release. In other words, it's sounding a little one-sided and that won't end well.

daisybelle2008

MarkHayer wrote: »

I'm pretty much always up for it. Even when I'm tired, or in the morning before work, or if we wake up on a Saturday and have no major plans, I'm 100% up for having some intimacy and sex. I prioritise that, even if it means I'm losing sleep, or missing doing my morning [insert exercise routine here]. but I'm starting to feel a bit "pushy" or desperate, as I always try and take things in a sexual direction

I'd find this really annoying and exhausting, and I'd have a fairly high drive. To be honest you come across very intense & needy both emotionally and sexually, that is way too much pressure on a relationship. You have a high level of dependency on this girl, it's not healthy for you and will ultimately turn her off.

PressRun

Have to agree with all that's been said. There's an odd intensity to your post that is frankly a bit off-putting. Sure, everyone likes to feel as though they're sexually attractive to their partner, but nobody wants to feel like sex is an obligation that has to be carried out in order to appease the other person, and that's what you're in danger of turning this into. Feeling like you have to have sex with someone in order to provide them with some kind of validation so they don't feel rejected is frankly one of the most un-sexy things I've ever heard. Sex should feel natural, not like a chore.

There's nothing wrong with having a high sex drive, but likewise, there is nothing wrong with not wanting to have sex all the time either, especially if someone is trying to recover from a bladder infection. There are other important aspects to cultivating a healthy, functioning relationship that don't involve sex. There's only so far that a relationship based on sex is going to go. If you can't enjoy your girlfriend's company without there being a constant sexual dimension to it, then the relationship is going nowhere fast. And you might want to start by cutting out the comparisons to your exes. Your girlfriend is her own person.

suicide_circus

Your previous relationship involved sex every night and in the morning? Bless. Sorry to break it to you but that is not the norm...not even close. You may need to adjust you expectations.

Big Bag of Chips

MarkHayer wrote: »

The last three times we tried to have sex, she was too tight to allow me to penetrate so it's just been stimulation instead. This is strange because she had never been tight in the past.

Something to consider is that the tightness is your gf's body reacting to the pressure to have sex when she's not feeling up to it. If sex has been uncomfortable for her recently due to her health problems, then the natural reaction from the body is to protect itself and and go into defense mode. Also your gf might now have a mental block around sex. Both because of the physically discomfort caused by her infections and the constant expectancy to be "up for it".

You need to give her space, not least to fully recover from her infections.

SarahMollie

ChampagnePop wrote: »

OP, I really hope you took my previous post seriously regarding educating yourself on how to prevent bladder infections, not all women get them, but a lot are susceptible to them so there's a lot of information out there.

Even if this isn't the root cause of the lack of sex in your relationship it's still something you need to educate yourself on for your relationship, she should as well by the way, your both in this together.

I cannot agree with this strongly enough. UTIs are no joke and you seem not to understand them or their consequences. If you did, rushing your GF back to having sex wouldnt even be on your mind.

She should be taking antibiotics if she has a UTI. This is one area where doctors have no issue in writing a prescription as they are very necessary. If left untreated they can cause permanent scarring of the urinary tract and/or develop into a kidney infection which is more serious.

My doctor recommends at least 1 week off sex after the course of antibiotics (maybe 10 days total) and honestly even if he didn't, I wouldn't be in the mood for at least that amount of time. UTI's are absolutely miserable.

You mention that she's now tightening up when faced with the prospect of having sex? Her body is protecting her from inflaming an existing infection. Give her time, back right off for now. Its not all about you.

Keane2baMused

OP I suggest you read all of these replies and take them seriously.

It sounds like being in a relationship with you would be mentally and physically exhausting. She must feel that pressure and it is only going to drive a distance between you.


If you can't realise this is actually an issue with you maybe this relationship isn't for you.

baby and crumble

To be fair to the OP, if you haven't experienced sexual rejection (by someone you love, not just random people obviously), it's very difficult. Ok, so maybe he is a bit unrealistic in his relationship expectations, but I can assure you, being rejected by someone you love and want has serious ramifications.

Now obviously you can't just badger someone into sex, or expect sex all the time, but I think there is a reasonable expectation that sex is part of a mature, adult relationship. If it suddenly disappears it's very confusing and upsetting.

kylith

SarahMollie wrote: »

I cannot agree with this strongly enough. UTIs are no joke and you seem not to understand them or their consequences. If you did, rushing your GF back to having sex wouldnt even be on your mind.

She should be taking antibiotics if she has a UTI. This is one area where doctors have no issue in writing a prescription as they are very necessary. If left untreated they can cause permanent scarring of the urinary tract and/or develop into a kidney infection which is more serious.

My doctor recommends at least 1 week off sex after the course of antibiotics (maybe 10 days total) and honestly even if he didn't, I wouldn't be in the mood for at least that amount of time. UTI's are absolutely miserable.

You mention that she's now tightening up when faced with the prospect of having sex? Her body is protecting her from inflaming an existing infection. Give her time, back right off for now. Its not all about you.

Not to mention that one of the main causes of UTIs is sex!

Having sex before a UTI has fully cleared up isn't only uncomfortable it can cause the problem to flare up worse than before.