Feeling a little rejected when my girlfriend isn't in the mood....

MarkHayer

At the moment I'm not sure who to talk to about this.

Basically, I'm in my early 30s and I've been in couple long term relationships before my current one. And in both of those relationships, sex was pretty much a given at night and in the morning unless there was some reason we couldn't (if we were both very tired, had to rush somewhere in the morn, or my partner was having her period). In otherwords, myself and my partner would have sex *most* days we were together at least once, provided there was time and space to do it. I guess we both had a relatively high sex drive and high level of physical attraction. If I was a bit tired and not so much in the mood but she was really up for it, we would have sex. If she was a bit tired and not so horny and I was really up for it, we would still probably make it happen with a bit of effort. But something would happen most nights and it we always managed to get each other going... even in situations where we'd return late, exhausted from a flight, etc... we'd still somehow manage to have sex. or at least a make out session, lots of kissing, touching, etc. and then go to sleep afterwards.

Now in my current relationship, this really isn't the case. We go through periods when we have sex 3 or 4 times in a week. And periods where it doesn't happen for weeks. And periods when she is just a bit cold and I'm there just waiting for her to feel the urge again... ready, eager, willing... And it's difficult for me to adjust to the new situation somewhat. Basically, I feel that she's always in control of when, and if, we have sex. I'm pretty much always up for it. Even when I'm tired, or in the morning before work, or if we wake up on a Saturday and have no major plans, I'm 100% up for having some intimacy and sex. I prioritise that, even if it means I'm losing sleep, or missing doing my morning [insert exercise routine here]. And sometimes she is really up for it too of course. But sometimes she really isn't, and recently (in the last 3 weeks or more) she's been going through a stressful time in life and she just hasn't been in the mood much. Cuddles are always on the cards thankfully, and we're very affectionate with each other. but I'm starting to feel a bit "pushy" or desperate, as I always try and take things in a sexual direction and recently she doesn't really respond sexually to me, or just lies there and lets me get turned as I touch and look at her body before she hugs me more and asks me to turn out the lights (to sleep). There are times at night when I'll be lucky to get a couple of kisses on the lips.

In all of this, I'm starting to just feel like I'm always the one who is making the moves to bring things in a sexual direction, and that I'm appearing like I always want to have sex with my constant hard-ons and my attempts to turn her on. And it's getting to the point that I'm just feeling rejected as she's the one in control ultimately if it happens or not.

Though recently it's more pronounced, there have also been times in the past (when she hasn't been going through stressful times) and I felt that she de-prioritised sex and intimacy a bit more than me. Like we're going to bed late-ish, and she'll say "lets read that book together", which basically means no sex because we'll be sleepy by the end of it. Or we'll wake up, and she'll say "hey, let's go [insert physical exercise here] before breakfast, which means we won't have time for sex either.

Have I communicated it? Yes I have. I told her I'd felt rejected when I'm "always on" and just basically waiting for her to open the doors, while she just doesn't appear to prioritise sex or makes it clear that sex isn't on the cards, or does some other random task which appears like avoidance of sex. It annoys me that I'm always the one eager and waiting for more intimacy when she isn't. But she said that she just hadn't been thinking about sex so much, and there were other things on her mind. Which I found a bit alarming in some ways... but she has also recently had issues with bladder infection and tightness in her area, so perhaps this also plays a role. We agreed in the end to set up "love dates" sometimes, where we'll agree on a day and time to have sex. We did it a couple of times and it worked great, but I'm always the one asking to arrange a love date and now, I don't feel like doing it anymore because again I don't want to come across as pushy. Perhaps I should ask for more sex, but right now I'd prefer her to make some moves.

When we have sex, it's really amazing. Which makes the absence even more difficult to deal with. Not only that, but she tells me it's the best lovemaking she's ever had and nobody has ever made her feel so wonderful. And I feel the same. And we really love each other and are getting on really well in so many other ways, and I'm very happy in general in the relationship.

But it's just that sometimes I compare to previous girlfriends, and I wonder what's going on. Even in previous ones, when my partner was stressed, or ill or whatever... sex didn't stop. If anything, we'd have more sex to blast away the stress. I guess everyone is different.

I was wondering if others have had similar issues with their partners? Perhaps we just have different sex drives, or less requirement for regular sex? perhaps for her, there are a range of things that need to be in place for sex to take place. Whereas for other women I've been with, sex was always on the cards, even a quickie in some cases. Or even sex multiple times in the same day.

As a side note, last night when she asked to turn out the light and sleep, I was so turned on I started touching myself. She noticed, and then she brought me to orgasm using her hands, and I could sense she got turned on as well. So she isn't totally insensitive to my needs, but ... she just isn't in the mood and it's been a few weeks since we had sex and I'm a little concerned.

And now I'm getting to the point where - after communicating with her, and letting her know how if feel, that my only option is to go a bit cold and she how she responds to that. It's hard for me, but I'll try and pretend I'm not turned on and not interested in sex and keep doing this until maybe eventually she'll start to make some moves. Otherwise I'm just going to keep feeling rejected a bit.

Thanks for any help!

racso1975

MarkHayer wrote: »

And now I'm getting to the point where - after communicating with her, and letting her know how if feel, that my only option is to go a bit cold and she how she responds to that. It's hard for me, but I'll try and pretend I'm not turned on and not interested in sex and keep doing this until maybe eventually she'll start to make some moves. Otherwise I'm just going to keep feeling rejected a bit.

Thanks for any help!

Please don't do the above. Relationships should not be about fighting fire with fire. She in all likely hood is not doing this to make you feel bad whereas what you suggest is a deliberate action

Just a couple of things. You need to realise that not everybody has the same sex drive. In some relationships it will start in abundance but will diminish as other parts of the relationship develops. In others it will continue on. Were you happy with things prior to her infection?

In your post you have not mentioned how all the rest of the relationship is? It would be good to get your take on this as well as hers. Also how old is the relationship?

You will need to make a call on this at some stage op if it does not change. I did end up in a marriage with somebody with an exceptionally diminished (months without not weeks) sex drive and it drove me crazy like you it started as feeling rejection to feeling self hatred as this person obviously did not fancy me (in my own head) due to how I looked etc etc

I would also suggest you forget about comparing current to previous relationships. Doing this when you are having problems leads to "the grass was greener" situation. There was obviously reasons they did not work.

ChampagnePop

If she's having trouble with bladder infections I can see why she's avoiding sex, they're horrible and can linger for a very long time, I think this is playing a larger role than you realise

LegacyUser

Your description of your previous relationship makes it sound like an athletic competition, quite, shallow, cold and unfeeling and just about the numbers. Sounds like quite an immature approach to relationships. It's also a relationship that ended, so it ultimately failed. All-in-all, not really a template for comparing other relationships.

You also say very little about the rest of your current relationship aside from the sex. Your girlfriend is, as you said, going through some stresses which may be undermining her need to be intimate with you, but I would also imagine that she is seeing a more comprehensive version of what your post says and what your post says is that sex is your priority. If that's what she's seeing, I'd be unsurprised if she's withdrawing from intimacy and I'd be equally unsurprised if she eventually withdrew from the relationship.

I don't think your girlfriend is the problem here, just the symptom. Take a hard look at your attitude to her before you do anything else.

MarkHayer

racso1975 wrote: »

Were you happy with things prior to her infection?

In your post you have not mentioned how all the rest of the relationship is? It would be good to get your take on this as well as hers. Also how old is the relationship?

How did your marriage work out in the end?

We are together 9 months now. It started with lots of cuddling and intimacy. No sex for the first couple of weeks together. Then we had some amazing sex for a few weeks, then a month of no sex, then after that it was regular sex a few times a week. After being apart at Christmas, we had a rip-roaring sex life for a few weeks and it was amazing... thought we had gotten into a pattern, then it would go quiet. Then dribs and drabs, and now it's gone very quiet. My sex drive is always fairly high though, but I'm using meditation / yoga to calm it down and that's working well.

When my partner wants sex, she is really very passionate and sexual and she tells me she finds me really attractive and beautiful, and that I turn her on so much (and yes, she does get very very turned on and easily orgasms).

The rest of the relationship is really good. We share lots of things and have really deepened our relationship in the past few months, and she's moving in to my place very soon. We do everything together and have worked thorough any problems in a positive way.

MarkHayer

ChampagnePop wrote: »

If she's having trouble with bladder infections I can see why she's avoiding sex, they're horrible and can linger for a very long time, I think this is playing a larger role than you realise

Yes, it's been lingering a lot and sometimes the day after sex she feels very cold down there and uncomfortable. The last three times we tried to have sex, she was too tight to allow me to penetrate so it's just been stimulation instead. This is strange because she had never been tight in the past. But the doctor said this (bladder infection) was quite common and not to worry. Advised anti-biotics if she really needs it (but she's against that).

njs030

MarkHayer wrote: »

Yes, it's been lingering a lot and sometimes the day after sex she feels very cold down there and uncomfortable. The last three times we tried to have sex, she was too tight to allow me to penetrate so it's just been stimulation instead. This is strange because she had never been tight in the past. But the doctor said this (bladder infection) was quite common and not to worry. Advised anti-biotics if she really needs it (but she's against that).

Sex can make bladder infections worse as the movement creates friction and can even push more bacteria up into the bladder. I would abstain as well if I had a bladder infection.

I agree you need to stop comparing, your ex might have been great sexually but obviously you weren't compatible or you'd still be together!

ChampagnePop

MarkHayer wrote: »

Yes, it's been lingering a lot and sometimes the day after sex she feels very cold down there and uncomfortable. The last three times we tried to have sex, she was too tight to allow me to penetrate so it's just been stimulation instead. This is strange because she had never been tight in the past. But the doctor said this (bladder infection) was quite common and not to worry. Advised anti-biotics if she really needs it (but she's against that).

I know this is will sound harsh, but I think your being incredibly selfish, from what your saying it seems your pleasure is more important to you then your girlfriends health.
Are you aware of what you should be doing before/ during/after sex to reduce the likelihood of her having bladder issues? Because if not read up ASAP, you have a responsibility here as well

Sleepy

OP, ime, you were pretty lucky in your earlier relationships. There are very few women whose libido matches that of the average man and even less who maintain that level of drive in a long-term relationship. Once kids come along, your idea of a "problem" i.e. 3/4 times per week is pretty much typical of a couple with a healthy sex drive. There are some who manage it more frequently, but they're rare and there are terrifyingly high numbers of posts on here for whom 3/4 times a week would be a dream.

racso1975

MarkHayer wrote: »

How did your marriage work out in the end?

Broke up after 10 years of trying to make it work with only arguments we ever had being about sex.

Ursus Horribilis

Is this the same girlfriend who wanted to go meet a guy she had previously fancied? http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2057573583/6?

Ursus Horribilis

I'm going to work on the basis that your girlfriend is the same one from your other thread I mentioned above. My take on this is that you've been ploughing ahead with this relationship while wearing a pair of blinkers. You obviously resolved the issue that was in the other thread but I still consider it to be a giant, flashing, neon lights warning. Just two months ago, your girlfriend wanted to go meet a guy she had had a "connection" with and was saying things that set off alarm bells with a lot of people who replied to you on that thread. Were they all wrong?

There are a couple of things going on here I think. One is that your sex drive and hers don't match (bladder infections aside). If her sex drive hasn't matched yours up until now, it's never going to. If I had a Euro for every thread I've seen here from men trapped in sexless relationships, I'd be able to retire to a desert island. This is a warning sign. If frequent sex is important to you - and it seems to be, going by the very in-depth detail you went into here - you're not going to get it from your girlfriend. Don't delude yourself into thinking otherwise.
Seconding, reading your previous thread and this one here, I wonder is she as committed to this relationship as you are. It's obvious that you're crazy about her. Maybe too in love with her as someone pointed out on the other thread. I'm not getting that impression from her behaviour at all. Are you sure moving in together so soon is wise?

MarkHayer

Thanks for your responses, but please don't bring the other thread into this. I tried to post anonymously but it wouldn't allow me due to ip.

Yes, we worked the stuff out from the other thread and she is very committed to me. Let's close that chapter now.

Anyway, I actually think I'm probably being a bit selfish as others have mentioned. And I need to just get a grip and maybe put her needs before mine for a while, and support her through this period. I'm probably too focused on sex at times so perhaps it's no harm to leave that aside for a while.

And it's annoying sometimes how people keep jumping to conclusions about other aspects of the relationship when really they've no idea. I love and respect her, I've helped her through a lot of stuff and my post isn't as self centered as some of you have perceived. I'm just doing a sanity check here, and I got my response - a)men generally have a much higher sex drive and b) it's quite normal in most relationships that the man doesn't get as much sex as he'd like. And you know... I'm happy to live with that because I love her so much, I honestly don't mind if we're having sex, or just sharing nice moments reading a book, walking hand in hand, or comforting each other after a challenging day.

LegacyUser

MarkHayer wrote: »

I honestly don't mind if we're having sex, or just sharing nice moments reading a book, walking hand in hand, or comforting each other after a challenging day.

..you minded enough to post the thread in the first place? Other posters are only bringing other parts of the relationship into the post because to give non biased advice they need the back story of the whole relationship, not just what you wish to tell us.

IMO, there is no point in burying your head in the sand with this one,as another poster said if your sex drives aren't matching up now they probably never will and you will need to address the issue at some stage. If she is unwell at the moment,be as supportive as possible. However, if you dont face the issue at some stage when she is feeling better,you will become more resentful towards her even if she hasn't done anything wrong. Communication is key

ChampagnePop

OP, I really hope you took my previous post seriously regarding educating yourself on how to prevent bladder infections, not all women get them, but a lot are susceptible to them so there's a lot of information out there.

Even if this isn't the root cause of the lack of sex in your relationship it's still something you need to educate yourself on for your relationship, she should as well by the way, your both in this together.

beks101

The first thing I thought when reading your post was phew, how exhausting.

Sex every day multiple times a day? Every night and every morning without fail? I'm wildly attracted to my OH and we have a great sex life but that sort of territory was reserved to the first few months when we were in the honeymoon of our relationship. Life happens, you grow closer emotionally and become used to one another and things like work and stress and plans and emotions take precedence over ripping each other's clothes off any chance you can get. My OH isn't dissatisfied not to get it twice a day either, I'd hazard a guess that your sex drive is far above average even by male standards.

Instead of fixating on your sexual needs, how about focusing on your gf's needs and how they are/are not being met? Maybe she feels this pressure to be sexual with you every time you're in bed together and it turns her off? Maybe when she's stressed she needs affection and love instead of sex? Maybe she needs to feel comfortable and safe to have sex and the bladder problems are preventing that? And most of all, maybe you need to consider the fact that her sex drive will never ever match yours, that your amazing sex life with your exes is completely irrelevant not least because those relationships all failed, your OH is not any of your exes, she is a completely different woman and this is a completely different relationship?

Sound Bite

Op, do you use sex and women to validate yourself? Do you need to work on your self esteem? It seems to be a reoccuring theme in your threads?

Ignatius in bloom

I would imagine that your gf is pulling away because you seem like you need to be validated all the time. That's exhausting and ultimately a mood killer for anyone. You really need to find your own way of fulfilment and what makes you happy independently of another person.

There is no quicker way to lose a sex drive than When one feels pressured to fulfill another persons insecurities through physical or even emotional interactions. Boundaries do and should exist still In a relationship and it's important to read them as they can save you your relationship. Get your own life too and build up your own interests separately to that of your relationship.

Give space and understanding to the other person as they probably don't see the world the way you do and to be honest no one wants to be touched, stared at and be touched all the time! Sometimes lying in silence apart but in the same space is the most intimate and close feeling two people can share as they unwind and relax after another day finishes.

Big Bag of Chips

You do come across quite intense, OP. As mentioned already it all sounds exhausting. Do you live with your gf? Did you live with your other gfs? Sometimes, even in a relationship, a person just likes to be alone. In their own space without someone on top of them. Maybe your post is coming across as intense because your issue is with the physical side, and that is what you are discussing... But this constant kissing, holding hands, "make out sessions", cuddling etc, it might be for some people, but it wouldn't be for everyone.

Maybe you and your gf just aren't compatible. You're VERY touchy/feely/physical and she's less so. There are girls out there who would like that level of contact.. you've already been with 2 of them. So if it means that much to you, you might have to consider finding someone more aligned to your needs. Or.. You compromise a little and give your current gf a bit of space when you sense she needs it.

bee06

I find it very strange that in your previous relationships you'd still have sex when one party wasn't really in the mood. It all seems very forced and over the top. It's ok to not want sex all the time. Were these long term relationships?

As for the UTI's, maybe you don't understand (or she hasn't explained what it feels like) but trust me, the last thing you want to do with a UTI is have sex.

It sounds like you have very different sex drives. I wouldn't be assuming that it's just going to get better either. You're just burying your head in the sand if you do that.

Dial Hard

beks101 wrote:

Sex every day multiple times a day? Every night and every morning without fail? I'm wildly attracted to my OH and we have a great sex life but that sort of territory was reserved to the first few months when we were in the honeymoon of our relationship.

They're only going out 9 months.

Honestly, even taking the UTI out of the equation, there are enough red flags about their sexual compatibility at this early stage for me to think this isn't a relationship with legs.

LegacyUser

MarkHayer wrote: »

And you know... I'm happy to live with that because I love her so much, I honestly don't mind if we're having sex, or just sharing nice moments reading a book, walking hand in hand, or comforting each other after a challenging day.

Doesn't sound like you're happy to live with because in your OP you said:

MarkHayer wrote: »

Though recently it's more pronounced, there have also been times in the past (when she hasn't been going through stressful times) and I felt that she de-prioritised sex and intimacy a bit more than me. Like we're going to bed late-ish, and she'll say "lets read that book together", which basically means no sex because we'll be sleepy by the end of it. Or we'll wake up, and she'll say "hey, let's go [insert physical exercise here] before breakfast, which means we won't have time for sex either.

She wants to be spend time with you but it sounds like sex is massive priority for you and honestly it doesn't sound healthy the way you talk about it. Yes people have different sex drives (it's not a men/women thing) but your comments about always being mad to go and having hard ons all the time sounds just like too much for anyone regardless of their sex drive. I can understand the start of relationship and after being apart which you admit you have lots of sex when you'd been apart for a bit but it's not possible to keep that up long term - relationships have dips and peaks - if it's just humping like rabbits all the time I'd get frankly bored after a while.

When you mention these other long term relationships exactly how long term where they?

ManOfMystery

OP,

I mostly agree with the sentiments that everyone else is expressing. Sex is obviously an important part of any relationships, and it's not uncommon for one partner to have a higher sex drive than the other. However you seem almost fixated on the sex part of the relationship and important factors like (a) your partner's sex drive, (b) the very important fact of her having a bladder infection and (c) the fact that she is not the same person as your exes, all seems to get only a brief mention.

I don't mean to sound insulting when I say this, but you come across like a dog on heat - you yourself say you're always up for it, hard-ons all the time, etc. I'm sure it's flattering to a girl in the beginning that you should find her so sexually attractive, but it sounds like it would be exhausting as time goes on.

No-one here can tell you your sex drive is wrong, or you have some kind of problem. You don't - everyone is different, and there's no 'right' or 'wrong'. What I can say is that you when you focus hugely on any one part of a relationship (in this case, sex) at the expense of others, it can end badly. Relax a little and enjoy the quality time you have with your girlfriend. Sex should come naturally as a result of a close intimacy, love and attraction between 2 people, but you're giving off vibes of it needing to be done to give you a release. In other words, it's sounding a little one-sided and that won't end well.

daisybelle2008

MarkHayer wrote: »

I'm pretty much always up for it. Even when I'm tired, or in the morning before work, or if we wake up on a Saturday and have no major plans, I'm 100% up for having some intimacy and sex. I prioritise that, even if it means I'm losing sleep, or missing doing my morning [insert exercise routine here]. but I'm starting to feel a bit "pushy" or desperate, as I always try and take things in a sexual direction

I'd find this really annoying and exhausting, and I'd have a fairly high drive. To be honest you come across very intense & needy both emotionally and sexually, that is way too much pressure on a relationship. You have a high level of dependency on this girl, it's not healthy for you and will ultimately turn her off.

PressRun

Have to agree with all that's been said. There's an odd intensity to your post that is frankly a bit off-putting. Sure, everyone likes to feel as though they're sexually attractive to their partner, but nobody wants to feel like sex is an obligation that has to be carried out in order to appease the other person, and that's what you're in danger of turning this into. Feeling like you have to have sex with someone in order to provide them with some kind of validation so they don't feel rejected is frankly one of the most un-sexy things I've ever heard. Sex should feel natural, not like a chore.

There's nothing wrong with having a high sex drive, but likewise, there is nothing wrong with not wanting to have sex all the time either, especially if someone is trying to recover from a bladder infection. There are other important aspects to cultivating a healthy, functioning relationship that don't involve sex. There's only so far that a relationship based on sex is going to go. If you can't enjoy your girlfriend's company without there being a constant sexual dimension to it, then the relationship is going nowhere fast. And you might want to start by cutting out the comparisons to your exes. Your girlfriend is her own person.

suicide_circus

Your previous relationship involved sex every night and in the morning? Bless. Sorry to break it to you but that is not the norm...not even close. You may need to adjust you expectations.

Big Bag of Chips

MarkHayer wrote: »

The last three times we tried to have sex, she was too tight to allow me to penetrate so it's just been stimulation instead. This is strange because she had never been tight in the past.

Something to consider is that the tightness is your gf's body reacting to the pressure to have sex when she's not feeling up to it. If sex has been uncomfortable for her recently due to her health problems, then the natural reaction from the body is to protect itself and and go into defense mode. Also your gf might now have a mental block around sex. Both because of the physically discomfort caused by her infections and the constant expectancy to be "up for it".

You need to give her space, not least to fully recover from her infections.

SarahMollie

ChampagnePop wrote: »

OP, I really hope you took my previous post seriously regarding educating yourself on how to prevent bladder infections, not all women get them, but a lot are susceptible to them so there's a lot of information out there.

Even if this isn't the root cause of the lack of sex in your relationship it's still something you need to educate yourself on for your relationship, she should as well by the way, your both in this together.

I cannot agree with this strongly enough. UTIs are no joke and you seem not to understand them or their consequences. If you did, rushing your GF back to having sex wouldnt even be on your mind.

She should be taking antibiotics if she has a UTI. This is one area where doctors have no issue in writing a prescription as they are very necessary. If left untreated they can cause permanent scarring of the urinary tract and/or develop into a kidney infection which is more serious.

My doctor recommends at least 1 week off sex after the course of antibiotics (maybe 10 days total) and honestly even if he didn't, I wouldn't be in the mood for at least that amount of time. UTI's are absolutely miserable.

You mention that she's now tightening up when faced with the prospect of having sex? Her body is protecting her from inflaming an existing infection. Give her time, back right off for now. Its not all about you.

Keane2baMused

OP I suggest you read all of these replies and take them seriously.

It sounds like being in a relationship with you would be mentally and physically exhausting. She must feel that pressure and it is only going to drive a distance between you.


If you can't realise this is actually an issue with you maybe this relationship isn't for you.

baby and crumble

To be fair to the OP, if you haven't experienced sexual rejection (by someone you love, not just random people obviously), it's very difficult. Ok, so maybe he is a bit unrealistic in his relationship expectations, but I can assure you, being rejected by someone you love and want has serious ramifications.

Now obviously you can't just badger someone into sex, or expect sex all the time, but I think there is a reasonable expectation that sex is part of a mature, adult relationship. If it suddenly disappears it's very confusing and upsetting.

kylith

SarahMollie wrote: »

I cannot agree with this strongly enough. UTIs are no joke and you seem not to understand them or their consequences. If you did, rushing your GF back to having sex wouldnt even be on your mind.

She should be taking antibiotics if she has a UTI. This is one area where doctors have no issue in writing a prescription as they are very necessary. If left untreated they can cause permanent scarring of the urinary tract and/or develop into a kidney infection which is more serious.

My doctor recommends at least 1 week off sex after the course of antibiotics (maybe 10 days total) and honestly even if he didn't, I wouldn't be in the mood for at least that amount of time. UTI's are absolutely miserable.

You mention that she's now tightening up when faced with the prospect of having sex? Her body is protecting her from inflaming an existing infection. Give her time, back right off for now. Its not all about you.

Not to mention that one of the main causes of UTIs is sex!

Having sex before a UTI has fully cleared up isn't only uncomfortable it can cause the problem to flare up worse than before.

Keane2baMused

baby and crumble wrote: »

To be fair to the OP, if you haven't experienced sexual rejection (by someone you love, not just random people obviously), it's very difficult. Ok, so maybe he is a bit unrealistic in his relationship expectations, but I can assure you, being rejected by someone you love and want has serious ramifications.

Now obviously you can't just badger someone into sex, or expect sex all the time, but I think there is a reasonable expectation that sex is part of a mature, adult relationship. If it suddenly disappears it's very confusing and upsetting.

I completely agree it can be damaging, but from what it sounds like it doesn't seem to have completely disappeared.

Having repeated UTI's, stress etc are common place and normal reasons why a couple may not have sex for a time. It's when it's completely absent for no reason is when I would worry. This OP has gotten unrealistic expectations based on past experience and wholey expects his current partner to keep in line with what he wants (or sounds like it).

Give and take (scuse the pun) has to work both ways (which the OP doesn't appear to realise) and if he wants this to be a lasting relationship he will have to settle down a bit and find a way to come to the terms with not having sex on tap like he wants.

MarkHayer

Thanks for the responses and advice.

I'm not even going to begin to address all of the ways that people have misinterpreted me, and taken me for a sex crazed selfish git. If that's what you think I am, fine. But you don't know me, and it wasn't helpful to have so many people make unkind and often highly inaccurate assumptions about my character and about the nature of my relationship (based on the small amount of information given here, perhaps it says a lot more about you than me?).

For those that gave genuinely helpful advice without knee-jerk reactions, assumptions and judgement, I thank you from my heart.

I'm completely happy with our relationship as it is, and today I talked to my partner about how much I've loved living with her. She reciprocated and I could tell it was genuine. Since created this post I've taken the (helpful and non-judgemental) posters' advice and backed off a bit on the sex side. I've given her time to heal and I've let go of my urge to make love whenever we go to bed together. I've taken care of her and put her needs before mine (and enjoyed doing it). And it's been really lovely We've certainly deepened our connection in lots of nice ways, and I don't feel sex is so important anyway. I can't deny that I've got a high sex drive, and if I could get it every day I probably would... but the thing is, I know I don't need it. I've had two years of abstinence when single - right before this relationship - and now I'm happy to deepen my connection to someone who I consider to be a wonderful human being, and sex isn't important to me. It's nice to have, but I'm letting go of the feeling of rejection if we don't have sex a few nights, or if we don't always have the same level of horniness. And I actually noticed that when I was less sexual with my gf, she actually started initiating sexual contact with me on unexpected occasions. Giving her more space and letting her come to me and initiate things a bit more is working much better. And like one poster mentioned, it's good to get back in with my own interests, hobbies and be happy with myself... building my own self-esteem, and not focusing too much on the relationship. I think that is one of the most helpful things of all. I think you can fall in love with your partner again and again, in different ways!

For those doom sayers who say we aren't compatible and that this relationship is in big trouble... you're entitled to your opinion, but I highly disagree. And I believe in working at relationships, being flexible and changing our expectations and ways of living. If your SO is someone you truly love and want to have in your life, then it actually isn't difficult. I've found it quite easy so far. You should try it sometime instead of throwing in the towel at the first sign of an "incompatibility"

Big Bag of Chips

MarkHayer wrote: »

I believe in working at relationships, being flexible and changing our expectations and ways of living. If your SO is someone you truly love and want to have in your life, then it actually isn't difficult. I've found it quite easy so far. You should try it sometime instead of throwing in the towel at the first sign of an "incompatibility"

Fair play to you, OP. I couldn't agree more with what you said here. These days it seems everything is disposable, easily replaceable and all too often the advice is "walk away, now". Even to people married 10, 15, 20 years. Yes, sometimes the ONLY option is to walk away. But more often than not problems can be worked through. If we took a poll of internet forums as a guide for how many marriages/long term relationships end, I'd say we could expect 95% of marriages to end in divorce!

I wish the two of you well.

zcorpian88

Was in a similar spot, I would be a few years younger than yourself op, was in a long distance relationship for nearly two years, the sex was awesome, we always drove each other wild.

During the last I would say 2 months of the relationship the sex was starting to wane more and more, and in our relationship I was the one travelling to see her 90% of the time, spending insane amounts of money and even passing up on great opportunities (a job offer being one of them just to keep that relationship fresh and moving forward) anyway she'd go completely cold when I'd start to initiate it, last time we did it would have been on her rarer visits to my house and we done it on my couch.

Then over the next 6 weeks or so, none at all, and when that happens you don't want to be the prick and start arguments over it but for a 20 something year old couple, it should be an important and regular part of the relationship, and even more so in a long distance relationship because we wouldn't have had the privilege of living closer and spending sufficient time with each other so naturally I wanted both of us to benefit fully from the relationship. She was doing a phD at the time so her mind was always on that and barely on us, when it should be the best of both worlds, she wasn't taking enough time for herself so she could have any form of fun with me.

Anyway my birthday comes along, I'm one for wanting all the people that are important to me to come out and enjoy and mark the day with me, naturally I wanted my girlfriend there, she announces a week before it that she can't come down for it, she's had data to do for her phD and some bint of a colleague in America is giving her a hard time over it and has her tied to her computer for the best part of a fortnight. I was unhappy about it but I let it go thinking she would use her head and make it up to me, (because I would in a nanosecond for her) she gave me some DVD's for my birthday, didn't really blink and eyelid at me most of the weekend and continued working, I let it go because she was under pressure.

The next week came, marked my birthday but was feeling s**t all day because in my group I've had to celebrate many of their birthdays and their partner was always there to make what would be if you were single it would be a pleasant enough day but when you have a girlfriend it makes the day a lot more enjoyable, special and significant so I was feeling really bad all day and I put a brave face on and tried to enjoy the night, but my friends read me like a book and they knew I was not happy.

The following week I go up to herself, and it's the same story, still parked in front of the laptop, I put on a movie for us to watch, still has that laptop on and insists that she is watching it but you can't work and focus on a movie at the same time, it's one of my pet peeves kind of, why put on a movie if you're not paying attention to it? Plus I fancied cuddling up and watching it, I'm a man, and yeah I like a cuddle. Bit hard to cuddle when there is a f**king macbook on her lap. And the whole weekend goes by and I still have to make an advance on her? It was my birthday the previous week she missed, I'm not going to use the word "entitled" but in a relationship, a long distance one at that, where the boyfriend bends over backwards to do everything she wants, when she wants. She deliberately misses my birthday the week before and doesn't really acknowledge or think "Oh my boyfriend didn't have my companionship for his birthday and I again choose my work over him, maybe I should make it up to him in a way that he'd like" but no, the cold shoulder again all weekend. Annoyed me that I have to keep initiating it where a few months ago it was pretty 50/50, where did that girlfriend go?

Made me feel like the most undesirable piece of s**t ever. I like to think most men would get it especially on their birthday? Am I wrong here? Sorry to sort of steal your spotlight OP but I'm trying to relate to what you're saying. I already had something of an issue with this same girlfriend over her not wanting children one day and I thought she would change her mind and I wasn't going to bring it up till Christmas was out of the way, but when she was pushing me away and making me feel alienated, rejected and unwanted I essentially got extremely burned out and ended it, which I'll admit destroyed me because I did love her and I wanted to continue but there was less and less give on her end and I feel she was increasingly strangling the life out of the relationship and making it unfun and un-enjoyable in the present and by the looks of things and her frame of mind there wasn't anything to look forward to in the future either and she was letting it go stagnant and I just had enough.

Anyway sorry to write something that long OP and steal your spotlight but at least you know there is more of us out there.

SB_Part2

If your gf doesn't want sex she doesn't want sex and just because it's your birthday doesn't make a blind bit of difference. You are coming across as if you are owed sex because she missed your birthday.

zcorpian88

SB_Part2 wrote: »

If your gf doesn't want sex she doesn't want sex and just because it's your birthday doesn't make a blind bit of difference. You are coming across as if you are owed sex because she missed your birthday.

Not so much owed but the gesture would have been appreciated, I mean I always bent over backwards and beyond to do really nice things for her, spoiled her rotten so she'd never want for anything and accommodated her every need, is it really too much to ask to be a bit desired after a very long journey to see her which I made a hell of a lot more than her coming to see me, and I'd have wanted the intimacy/sex whether she missed my birthday or not, more so for definite if she missed it.

The sex isn't all about the feel good factor of the act (yeah it's a bonus) but it is also about being loved, appreciated and being accepted. Where in our case it wasn't happening when it mattered.

LegacyUser

MarkHayer wrote: »

I'm not even going to begin to address all of the ways that people have misinterpreted me, and taken me for a sex crazed selfish git. If that's what you think I am, fine. But you don't know me, and it wasn't helpful to have so many people make unkind and often highly inaccurate assumptions about my character and about the nature of my relationship (based on the small amount of information given here, perhaps it says a lot more about you than me?).

As one of the posters who fits into that category, I'd have to say I stand over what I first posted and the above does nothing to change my view, it really comes across as though the posts you're referring to touched a nerve, so you feel the need to say they're all wrong while the posters who, in your view, sided with you are all much more perceptive. The rest of your post comes across as congratulating yourself for not expecting your girlfriend to have sex when she doesn't want to. If anything, your post reinforces my initial view of your approach to this.

MarkHayer

zcorpian88 wrote: »

SB_Part2 wrote: »

If your gf doesn't want sex she doesn't want sex and just because it's your birthday doesn't make a blind bit of difference. You are coming across as if you are owed sex because she missed your birthday.

Not so much owed but the gesture would have been appreciated, I mean I always bent over backwards and beyond to do really nice things for her, spoiled her rotten so she'd never want for anything and accommodated her every need, is it really too much to ask to be a bit desired after a very long journey to see her which I made a hell of a lot more than her coming to see me, and I'd have wanted the intimacy/sex whether she missed my birthday or not, more so for definite if she missed it.

The sex isn't all about the feel good factor of the act (yeah it's a bonus) but it is also about being loved, appreciated and being accepted. Where in our case it wasn't happening when it mattered.

Feel free to steal the spotlight, as my PI is pretty much resolved now.

But as for you. Well, you can expect to be treated harshly and insensitively by a lot of the posters here. And they'll probably make you feel pretty bad about yourself.

But before they do, I would like to stress that you are man normal human being, with wants and needs in a relationship. One of those wants / needs is a little thing called equality. Feeling like you're on a level playing pitch, and that there is sufficient give and take, and a nice balance.

I would personally feel that communication is a big issue in your relationship. You should consider looking up "non-violent communication" and finding ways to communicate with partners that is non-accusative, or harsh, but still states how you are feeling about her behaviour. And also, if you get hurt by something, you should always let your partner know; "you know when you do this, I feel hurt, unloved or neglected. I appreciate that you probably didn't mean any harm, but this is just how I was feeling". Without accusing, and owning your emotions, you can let your partner know, in a constructive way, that their behaviour may have impacted you, whether intentionally or unintentionally.

Did you manage to get back with your gf in the end? As you said, she was probably going through a very stressful time, but it was something you two could have communicated about and maybe created boundaries around it to define what was acceptable behaviour and acceptable compromises on both sides. Her needs for work, your need to be given some attention and care, and a little time.

Lau2976

Zcorpion88 It sounds like the issue for you and your gf was more related to not communicating properly. In your post it sounds like she was extremely busy and stressed and to her at the time work was more important. While to you, you were at a time in your life where you had a better work/life balance.

That isn't to say she was in the wrong, just that she was working towards a career and to her you were wprking towards a family with her. A family she didn't seem to want.

The whole birthday sex thing IMO stems from that because sex was a special treat to you as opposed to being a special moment for both of you.

Ursus Horribilis

As soon as I saw zcorpian88 I just knew what was in store for us. Seriously man, did you ever go seek professional help to get over your ex? I'm not the first person who has suggested it either I might add. Those long long posts venting about your ex strongly suggest to me that you should talk to someone. This is consuming you and it's not healthy.

zcorpian88

My problem was I do bottle things up and I tried too hard to be the nice, accommodating perfect boyfriend (not to blow my own trumpet) I did this really only because it was always extremely difficult to find a girlfriend especially someone like her, who I hit it off with straight away. I didn't want to be an arsehole in any way shape or form, have had to watch a lot of douchebags who were not friends or merely acquaintances of mine pull these really lovely girlfriends and they treat them like s**t and I just didn't want to do that and I was overly nice to anyone who took an interest in me, so I was delighted when this particular person came along.

I was besotted with her but not like clingy at all but I did certainly appreciate every moment I had with her, and those last 2 weekends I had with her, it was hitting me like harder and harder slaps in the face when she kept choosing her phD over our relationship, in my head she had Monday to Friday and every second weekend to work on her stuff, I was flexible enough and was ok with her doing a few bits and pieces while I was up with her, but when it turns into like a marathon of button mashing that goes well into a Saturday afternoon and even into the night when most people should be winding down and relaxing, she would be there at it till 11/12 at night, then she'd go to bed and leave me down in the living room confused and thinking "What the f**k?"

I did spend 4 hours travelling to get there for both of us to enjoy the relationship and I mean all aspects of it, since we couldn't have that relationship in our locality. When I started going out with her I was cautious that her academic schedule could interfere with the relationship, she was in the final months of her masters at the time and I was wondering what would happen after that, but she decided to do a phD because in her line of work, the government don't have any funding or resources to give her a full time beneficial position, so off she went and started the phD, and surprise, surprise it got in the way of the relationship. All I could think all weekend is try not to explode and call her supervisor a complete wanker for e-mailing all day Saturday and into the evening time and being pissed off about her other colleague in America e-mailing and wanting Skype chats at 8 or 9 at night, as it's still early afternoon in the states, and all I was thinking was "F**k sake, 4+ hours on a bus for this **** before she heads off to bed, feeling like I'm some bogus acquaintance rather than her loving caring boyfriend that would break his back for her,

I'd like to think she was intelligent with all her degree's, her masters and how academically generally achieved she was, she couldn't switch herself off, stop being selfish and become a little bit more human and less robotic and constantly pleasing these people, none of these people go out of their way to come see her, they didn't turn down a job for her you'd think she'd come to the realization and tell by my body language and my sort of passive aggressiveness all weekend that I was thinking "we are in a long distance relationship and travelled a long way to come see her" It's a wasted journey for me, it's a waste of time and money that I don't really have to be spending on a non beneficial relationship where I'm there feeling like I have no place in her life and what we should want isn't worth a damn.

And no OP I haven't gotten back with her, she is actually in town this weekend for an event she liked to come to in my locality, funny that, when it's my birthday she won't make the journey but if the journey suits her own purpose she's down like a light. Probably the reason I wrote all this here in the first place, I'm somewhat aggravated and won't set foot outside the house (even on a gloriously sunny day like today) in case I bump into her which would happen, my luck is that bad, the thread just hits a sore subject for me because I can relate.

batmanrobin

Odus fell down wrote: »

As soon as I saw zcorpian88 I just knew what was in store for us. Seriously man, did you ever go seek professional help to get over your ex. Those long long passages you post here point to someone who could do with talking to someone.

Yeah, I'd second this! Zcorpian, I'm not being facetious, you really do need to speak to a professional about this. Every time you post about that relationship, you reiterate it word for word. It's really unhealthy. You really need to make peace with the past and move on.

dudara

@zcorpian88 - this thread is not about you and your experiences. Please confine yourself to offering advice to the OP.

dudara

LegacyUser

MarkHayer wrote: »

But as for you. Well, you can expect to be treated harshly and insensitively by a lot of the posters here. And they'll probably make you feel pretty bad about yourself.

OP you got the replies you got because of what you had written. We only have your posts to go on and the picture you painted with your choice of words is what people based their advice and comments. Perhaps take the time to re-read what you write before posting and ask yourself if there is a better way to phrase your thoughts in order to express yourself more clearly and thus get advice you seek quicker. You've also posted several times with issues with the same relationship so of course peoples advice is going to become more and more blunt when it becomes clear it's not being taken on board. I hope you have sorted your issues out and your not going to be back posting again in a few weeks/months but only time will tell.