What factors matter most in a relationship?

thattequilagirl

What is the most important thing in a relationship?

I'm seeing a guy and I like him. We're compatible in a lot of ways, he's intelligent, sweet, funny and not bad looking (but not gorgeous)

I have some doubts because I'm not massively attracted to him sexually. I enjoy kissing him (that's about as far as it has gone yet) and I would like to sleep with him, but the thought doesn't give me butterflies.

He's so right for me in a lot of other ways, I feel like I should give him a chance. But I don't want to lead him on or waste my own time.

I'm just not sure if fireworks are the most important thing, or if compatibility matters more in the long run?

Ken.

Mod-moved to relationship issues. Please read the local charter before posting.

the evasion_kid

Let him go..

thattequilagirl

the evasion_kid wrote: »

Let him go..

That's my instinct too... But I feel like it's too soon to make that decision given that when we do end up getting intimate there's a chance he could be the best I've had.

I've had experiences in the past where I was way more attracted to someone 3 months in than when we started dating.

dudara

Poll closed as we do not allow them in PI & RI. Please note that the PI/RI rules now apply.

dudara

meeeeh

I think you have your answer if you need to start a poll.

CaraMay

Well maybe it's time to do the deed and decide after that?

thattequilagirl

CaraMay wrote: »

Well maybe it's time to do the deed and decide after that?

I was thinking that. He could be amazing in bed for all I know!

He's a really gentlemanly guy, quite traditional, from the country... And I'm used to dating dicks almost exclusively. It's strange and new for me for a guy to take me out on nice dates and treat me well.

I'm honestly very confused.

eviltwin

thattequilagirl wrote: »

I was thinking that. He could be amazing in bed for all I know!

He's a really gentlemanly guy, quite traditional, from the country... And I'm used to dating dicks almost exclusively. It's strange and new for me for a guy to take me out on nice dates and treat me well.

I'm honestly very confused.

How long are you seeing him?

CyrilFiggis

I agree with the other posters. You're better off breaking it off with him.

I'd be inclined to do it before you get sex involved because it does have a tendency to make things messier (and it could make him very insecure to be dumped not long after if ye did sleep together)

Turtle_

Id give him a chance, if you're used to dicks then it might be just that making it feel odd? If there's affection and at least some desire there it might be a really good thing, slower burning but more enduring and stable.

strandroad

The older I get the more I think that butterflies and fireworks are overrated. They might be a good indicator in a holiday romance but what matters in the long term is affection, intimacy and friendship - can you see you two having that?

melissak

Maybe it is just that he is different to what you are used to. If you are used to badboy types it may be that they seem more exciting but at a certain stage in your life you might want something more stable. We mightn't always want drama and excitement because it is exhausting. if you are at a stage in your life where you might want to settle down a nice dependable kind guy might be a better prospect than a more exciting guy who is a dick. Only you can know but sometimes these feelings grow with time. Compatability is very important for a long term relationship. Good luck.

CaraMay

Ah you need to break that going out with dicks habit. It's just a waste of time. Il sure it's more thrilling to 'tame' a bad boy for you but where has it gotten you? To a point where a nice guy seems dull. It's time to do yourself a favour and give decent guys a chance

melissak

I totally get the appeal of a bad boy but once you get to the stage of having kids you have basically just an extra bold child instead of a partner and it is not a great bet imo.

thattequilagirl

Turtle_ wrote: »

Id give him a chance, if you're used to dicks then it might be just that making it feel odd? If there's affection and at least some desire there it might be a really good thing, slower burning but more enduring and stable.

That's what I'm thinking.

When I think of the guys I've been hugely sexually attracted to it was always for all the wrong reasons... Invariably hot but the kinds of guys who lie and cheat and ignore me when they feel like it, or just string me along for ages.

This guy took me out for steak to a really nice restaurant for our first date, has put a lot of effort in - and we get on well and have a lot in common. I think I might be jumping the gun by dumping him before giving it a chance.

We started texting about 3 months ago after matching on Tinder and have been dating for about six weeks.

melissak

Good for you. I'm glad. You deserve to be with someone who treats you well

armaghlad

thattequilagirl wrote: »

That's what I'm thinking.

When I think of the guys I've been hugely sexually attracted to it was always for all the wrong reasons... Invariably hot but the kinds of guys who lie and cheat and ignore me when they feel like it, or just string me along for ages.

This guy took me out for steak to a really nice restaurant for our first date, has put a lot of effort in - and we get on well and have a lot in common. I think I might be jumping the gun by dumping him before giving it a chance.

We started texting about 3 months ago after matching on Tinder and have been dating for about six weeks.

It's really a case of weighing up the pros and cons. He seems decent, judging by the first date. It boils down to whether your lack of physical attraction can be made up for with other things.

Me personally, I'd need for there to be an attraction otherwise I couldn't date someone - but then again I'm a guy and we are shallow like that..

thattequilagirl

armaghlad wrote: »

It's really a case of weighing up the pros and cons. He seems decent, judging by the first date. It boils down to whether your lack of physical attraction can be made up for with other things.

Me personally, I'd need for there to be an attraction otherwise I couldn't date someone - but then again I'm a guy and we are shallow like that..

Yeah, I wouldn't date him if there was zero attraction/chemistry. I did enjoy kissing him and when we fooled around a little bit he seemed like he knew what he was doing.

Dial Hard

armaghlad wrote:

Me personally, I'd need for there to be an attraction otherwise I couldn't date someone - but then again I'm a guy and we are shallow like that..

There's nothing shallow about wanting to fancy your partner. In fact, it's pretty much the defining difference between romantic and platonic affection.

thattequilagirl wrote:

Yeah, I wouldn't date him if there was zero attraction/chemistry. I did enjoy kissing him and when we fooled around a little bit he seemed like he knew what he was doing.

I think your past experience with assholes is clouding your judgement here.

If you genuinely fancy him then go for it. And if you're still not feeling it after you sleep with him, then there's your answer.

LegacyUser

Niceness and sexual attractiveness aren't mutually exclusive.
Find someone who has both traits

armaghlad

Dial Hard wrote: »

There's nothing shallow about wanting to fancy your partner. In fact, it's pretty much the defining difference between romantic and platonic affection.

I dunno. My last serious gf wasn't what I'd describe as a 9 or a 10. She was a bit more "plain", size 10/12 when I'd be more of a size 8 kinda guy. I loved her to bits, and she was attractive; but say for arguments sake I was to meet her again for the first time ever, I don't think I'd be as attracted to her and probably wouldn't embark in a relationship.

That's definitely shallow! ^^^

melissak

armaghlad wrote: »

I dunno. My last serious gf wasn't what I'd describe as a 9 or a 10. She was a bit more "plain", size 10/12 when I'd be more of a size 8 kinda guy. I loved her to bits, and she was attractive; but say for arguments sake I was to meet her again for the first time ever, I don't think I'd be as attracted to her and probably wouldn't embark in a relationship.

That's definitely shallow! ^^^

A little bit shallow, but at least you are honest with yourself.

PLL

Respect, attraction, honesty etc all matter and are important.
But I believe if you don't have similar outlook/goals/ambitions in life it won't really work. I've seen that they are the most common reason relationships end.

In terms of hobbies/interests myself and my fiancé wouldn't be the same. But in terms of life goals we're identical. We have so much planned together and we get so excited about.. Down to simple things like eating certain types of food in a foreign country. We're both ridiculously ambitious and determined. Our mindset is the same.


I also think affection is very important, and I don't mean just sex and I don't mean public displays of affection, I hate them. I mean a hug or cuddle or play fight even. A bit of silly love, that shows you are connected.

Irish_Elect_Eng

Every other aspect of a relationship comes a poor second to Trust.

Don't confuse sexual attraction with sexual ability in bed, two very different things indeed. A couple with a strong attraction will usually learn to press each others buttons irrespective of the starting experience. It does not work the same the other way around.

If you are not attracted to him with his clothes on, then it won't change much when you get them off. If I was you, I would pass on the relationship if there is no genuine attraction.

LegacyUser

mhge wrote: »

The older I get the more I think that butterflies and fireworks are overrated. They might be a good indicator in a holiday romance but what matters in the long term is affection, intimacy and friendship - can you see you two having that?

The older I get think the opposite. Passion is key to feeling alive in my eyes! If I had the butterflies and fireworks and it ended up leading to affection, intimacy and friendship long term and we wanted to stay together then great but I don't think i'd want to start a relationship that didn't have the spark from the start.

Augme

I'm also in the butterflies are over-rated department. As nice as they are, it's something that will invariably diminish over time. Now if you're just looking for a short-term thing then fine, but if you're thinking long-term then I don't understand why people put so much time into butterflies. You'll be doing well to still have those butterflies 1 year into a relationship, let alone 20.

Teyla Emmagan

I think he sounds lovely OP. Definitely long term material. You might find the two of you are dynamite in bed. Worth fining out anyway.

silverharp

thattequilagirl wrote: »

That's what I'm thinking.

When I think of the guys I've been hugely sexually attracted to it was always for all the wrong reasons... Invariably hot but the kinds of guys who lie and cheat and ignore me when they feel like it, or just string me along for ages.

do you mind me asking why you are attracted to these guys and follow through on what will likely be doomed relationships? if this was the guy you are dating looking for an opinion I'd be temped to say avoid as you would likely make him miserable.

racso1975

For me its called butterflies cause the lifespan of a butterfly is 1 month-12 months before they die. So when they die down a bit you jeed something more concrete for the relationship to be based upon or it will die to. As with all things it needs an equal footing and all the options above need to be there. But the thing about the sexual satisfaction is that it can be worked on by good communication. If its not happening for you tell your partner what you would like like or guide them in that department. Everyone has a different way of making love and what they like and dont like varies too you jeed to be mature enough to accept that and talk about it.

thattequilagirl

silverharp wrote: »

do you mind me asking why you are attracted to these guys and follow through on what will likely be doomed relationships? if this was the guy you are dating looking for an opinion I'd be temped to say avoid as you would likely make him miserable.

Basically I used to make a lot of bad choices and now I'm trying to make better ones!

Sapphire

thattequilagirl wrote: »

Yeah, I wouldn't date him if there was zero attraction/chemistry. I did enjoy kissing him and when we fooled around a little bit he seemed like he knew what he was doing.

Why not just enjoy it for what it is. Stop focusing on a relationship as a goal with this guy. Just date. Get to know him. Enjoy spending time with him. Fool around as much as you both want to. See where it leads. And if it fizzles out, its not because he was a dick or because you picked a wrong 'un. It would just be because long term it wouldn't work out for you two.

I think a relationship is a lot like a road trip - like one of those cheesy movies where the characters get to know something about each other and themselves on the way. And like a road trip, sometimes a person can focus too much on the destination and forget to look out the window to enjoy the journey that they are taking. So focus on enjoying the journey with him instead and the rest will fall into place.

silverbolt

thattequilagirl wrote: »

What is the most important thing in a relationship?

I'm seeing a guy and I like him. We're compatible in a lot of ways, he's intelligent, sweet, funny and not bad looking (but not gorgeous)

I have some doubts because I'm not massively attracted to him sexually. I enjoy kissing him (that's about as far as it has gone yet) and I would like to sleep with him, but the thought doesn't give me butterflies.

He's so right for me in a lot of other ways, I feel like I should give him a chance. But I don't want to lead him on or waste my own time.

I'm just not sure if fireworks are the most important thing, or if compatibility matters more in the long run?

well it depends on what you want. Attraction can grow with time. It should also be pointed out that when all you have is passion and super hot sexual energy is that it burns out very quickly. If you have nothing other than that energy what can you build a relationship on?

CaraMay wrote: »

Ah you need to break that going out with dicks habit. It's just a waste of time. Il sure it's more thrilling to 'tame' a bad boy for you but where has it gotten you? To a point where a nice guy seems dull. It's time to do yourself a favour and give decent guys a chance

That is a true point. The OP is used to the "danger" drama, and excitement element of it.

At the end of the day its up to you OP - but people follow a pattern and certain people end up with certain types (i for instance always seem to end up with the damaged ones) unless they recognise and change this. Its partly why many abuse victims end up with another abuser.

I think your judging too quickly and basing it off your past experiences. Give it time. If there is def no attraction at all then yeah your more friends than anything else.