Engagement ring issue

Monkey09

I'd really appreciate any advice that anyone has to offer on this please.. I'll keep it as brief as possible.

So my boyfriend (who I love to bits) have discussed many times over the last few months about getting engaged. We had planned to wait until the summer, as we've planned a holiday together. We had done a little shopping around (window shopping mainly!), and I'd always assumed the plan was that we would do some shopping around and chose the ring together.

Anyway, he sent me a text last Sunday to say that he had purchased a ring. I was absolutely shocked, and replied saying that I thought we were going to pick it out together. Tbh, I was quite disappointed as I was really looking forward to the shopping part, trying on different styles to see what we both liked..

Anyway, we went for a drive, thinking that I would find the right moment to talk about things, but to my surprise, he produced the ring and asked me to marry him.

I am absolutely thrilled that he asked me to marry him, and of course I said yes - but I just can't help feeling a little down that we won't have the chance to share the shopping experience. The ring itself is nice enough, but I don't think it would be something I'd have picked myself.. I had noticed a ring a few weeks back that I really loved (and had mentioned to him), and I'm having difficulty moving on from that one..

When I asked about it later, he said he chose the ring with his mam.. I feel absolutely awful about all this as I feel like I've hurt his feelings, and also his Mam's.

Would anyone have any advice on how best to deal with this situation.

Tigger99

You'll get people on here saying that you are being spoilt caring about the type of ring, that him asking you should be enough. But I'd be more concerned that he didn't listen to anything you said about wanting to choose it together. Does his mother have a history of interfering in your relationship? I can imagine her picking something more old fashioned.

Id say to him that you were surprised you didn't pick the ring together like you said you'd like to and take the conversation from there. That the ring is nice but that you were looking forward to picking it wuth him. Keep it positive and light. See what he says. You might grow to love the ring.

ChampagnePop

Congrats, first of all.
I don't think it's a good idea to do anything. His mother is involved too and I don't think it will end well if you ask to change it. It's a pity he didn't understand how important buying a ring was to you, but I think that times past.

ChampagnePop

Also to add, so many people will want to know about your engagement ring story, do you really want his family to all know that you turned your nose up at the ring his mother picked?

I'm not trying to be judgmental, just add perspective

eviltwin

Is it possible to exchange an engagement ring? I find it a bit odd he picked the ring with his mam, how would she help unless she knows exactly what you are into.

Monkey09

Thanks so much for the replies!

Tbh, as I thought the engagement wouldn't be happening for another few months, I hadn't specifically said to him that I wanted to do the shopping together. I just assumed that's what would be happening as we had stopped to look in windows a few times before.

I have mentioned to him over the last few days that I was really looking forward to going shopping together, and trying on different styles, to see what looked best as I don't know a lot about jewellery - I don't wear much. Tbh, I had it all built up in my mind that things were going to happen differently so I'm feeling a little let down tbh.

The poor guy feels really bad about the whole thing and is willing to do anything to fix the situation. And I feel terrible for making him feel this way as I know he meant well and his heart was in the right place. But at the same time, I think honesty is important in a relationship. He's even offered to take me out shopping for another one.

He has a very close relationship with his Mam, and I suppose I should see it as a compliment that she agreed to help him chose it. The ring is fine, I'm happy enough with it, and it's definitely not old-fashioned. I just would have preferred to at least have shopped around a bit to see what I liked - And if he wanted to make the ultimate decision, I would have been fine with that.

His mam unfortunately is aware of how I feel.. Thankfully, she sees my point of view, and I'm sure she feels probably worse about the whole thing than I do.

I just would hate for anyone to think badly about me, or feel that I'm spoilt or being ungrateful - as that's absolutely not the case.

I just wanted picking out the engagement ring to be a special time for us as a couple that we would remember forever..

Monkey09

eviltwin wrote: »

Is it possible to exchange an engagement ring? I find it a bit odd he picked the ring with his mam, how would she help unless she knows exactly what you are into.

It is possible to exchange it, but I really didn't see anything I liked in that particular jewellers. They seemed to have a very small selection.. only about 6 rings tbh.

Yes, that's what I thought initially about his Mam - but he suppose he thought of it as a woman's opinion on what might be nice. He hadn't ever even asked what I wanted in a ring.

ChampagnePop

Monkey09 wrote: »

It is possible to exchange it, but I really didn't see anything I liked in that particular jewellers. They seemed to have a very small selection.. only about 6 rings tbh.

Yes, that's what I thought initially about his Mam - but he suppose he thought of it as a woman's opinion on what might be nice. He hadn't ever even asked what I wanted in a ring.

Can he get a refund?

If he can't get a refund and you don't want an exchange - what do you want him to do?

Sapphire

I always had a certain style in mind for mine. I thought I knew exactly what I wanted but when I tried it on it was just ok. You could try on ones you think you would like and see if you would prefer your own one. That's a gamble though because you might fall in love with another one.

By the way, congratulations

meeeeh

Congrats.

I think it's just a ring. Your bf didn't do anything different than many others do. At least he didn't design it himself then saying that you don't like it would be really awkward. But there are always those who prefer the surprise and those who don't. The final decision is up to the person paying imo.

Anyway since they know how you feel you might try to return it but my honest opinion is that you don't live with a ring. I can't see inconsideration or meddling on your fiance's or mother's part so I would keep the ring and pick a really cool wedding ring. But if you think you will feel resentment then maybe is better to return it.

SarahMollie

Congrats on your engagement OP.

I get why it shouldn't matter but I think I'd probably feel the same. I'm sure it was all very well intention ed but I certainly wouldn't want my BF's mam picking my ring. I suppose I'm a bit non traditional in a lot of ways and don't like people chosing things for me.

My BF and I are in a similar place, in that we've talked about getting engaged in the not too distant future, but not just yet, as we've a lot going on at present, and are very tied up being Bridesmades and Groomsmen for other people at the moment.

Anytime I hear about someone around him getting engaged, I always make a point of asking if they got the ring together, and if he says they did, then I'm always reinforcing the idea by saying " good choice, sensible man, wise move" etc etc.

I'm not sure I've any real advise as its a bit of a stick situation. Would the jewellers offer to take it back and then arrange for something to your liking to be made if you don't like what they have at the moment?

A friend of mind was gifted some rings from her mother as she can't wear them anymore due to swelling caused by an illness. My friend took them to a jewelers who melted them down, and put the diamonds in a different, more modern setting, and she also bought some new smaller diamonds to complete the design she'd chosen.

Could the raw materials be fashioned into something you'd like better? This could be a lower cost solution than buying a whole new ring.

ChillyAngel

If it were me I'd say it to him and ask can he get a refund. Most jewellers do as not everyone says yes.

You'll (more than likely) be wearing it for life, so you should love it.

Lavinia

So I decided not to read the comments before I share my first impression.
To me his move looks sweet as if he wanted to surprise you a little. Guys are so often so nervous about this I'm sure he didnt mean anything "bad" with it, and probably the reason he picked it with his mom is cause he needed a backup, someone else's opinion who is a female so to help him chose a nice one - FOR YOU!

Perhaps see it like that and be happy for both of you, and of course congrats and many happy years

baby and crumble

It's not really his fault you had an idea in your head about how things would go down- he was just trying to do what a lot of guys do which is to get the ring and propose with it- you didn't actually tell him what was in your head. If I were you I'd live with it for a while. If it's something you really don't see yourself wearing perhaps you can get it all redesigned into something you do like. It's not like his Mam is being a wagon about it either. I know lots of women who got surprised by the ring and although it mightn't have been exactly what you'd pick for yourself, look at the sentiment behind it- he wants to marry you, and spend your lives together. That's what you should try and see when you look at the ring, not a disappointment that he couldn't read your mind. You know?

Also- congratulations!

I'm just imagining this scenario in my head and wondering how I would feel. My taste in jewellery would be quite specific. White gold or whatever with a big feck off rock wouldn't be to my liking. It would be very nice to be proposed to with a ring that's just the type I had hoped for or one we picked out together.

Then I think to myself well yeah of course it would be nice but you know what would be a million and one times nicer? To have a man who loved me so much that he wanted to commit to spending the rest of his life with me. Hell he could give me a piece of grass from his front lawn tied in a ribbon!

We're all different I guess.

Boskowski

Call me old fashioned but I find this whole engagement ring togetherness weird. Fella buys the ring and proposes. You say yes or no.

Unless you propose of course in which case I'd find it weird that the fella has to buy the ring.

I suppose making the decision together is the modern thing in which case you should both be buying/paying for the ring?

If you expect to be proposed to the old style way then he gets to buy the ring. You get to wear it.

Isn't there something nice and romantic about if you wear what he picked to express himself withfor the biggest question of his life? Making it a joint process is very modern but also kinda business like. It's not fashion jewellery item after all.

Tigger99

Considering many couples pool their money (or put money into a joint account) then an engagement ring usually ends up bring paid by both. Not quite business like?

Also in the cases I've known where the guy has paid for the ring, his wife to be usually gets him an epic engagement present back, like a sound system or expensive bike.

eviltwin

The actual question is a bit moot anyway as most couples will have already discussed marriage and know it's on the cards.

Lavinia

Personally OP I wouldn't exchange the ring for anything else and would laugh to myself in years to come
Hope you resolved it!

snickerpuss

If you hadn't made it clear that you wanted to choose it then he's not to blame really. I knew I would want to pick my own and made sure to tell my now husband that. I had never worn ANY jewellery at all before I got engaged so I wanted to see what I liked on and what suited. He of course didn't mind at all since he knew I'd get something I really liked.

Just because someone picks something for you doesn't mean you'll like it, even something as sentimental as an engagement ring. I have friends whose husbands picked their engagement rings and they really dislike them, they don't suit their hands and it's just not "them" if you know what I mean. Of course they haven't told their husbands this. I think it's a terrible pity because I got to design mine and I just love it, still admiring it everyday 2.5 years after getting it!

VincePP

The op is coming across to me as a little spoilt brat. I'm probably wrong, but that's how it comes across.

Firstly to have your future mother in law as one of those who helped choose the ring is hugely positive (but you don't seem to see that), secondly that he went on his own bat to surprise you and pick something he thinks you would like says a lot for him.

Now you can turn around and snub him and your future mother in law, but it would be the biggest mistake of your life.

Nothing worse than the mother of the groom to have a reason to dislike you.

Btw - you will be able to choose the wedding ring.

snickerpuss

VincePP wrote: »

The op is coming across to me as a little spoilt brat. I'm probably wrong, but that's how it comes across.

Firstly to have your future mother in law as one of those who helped choose the ring is hugely positive (but you don't seem to see that), secondly that he went on his own bat to surprise you and pick something he thinks you would like says a lot for him..

And yet he managed to pick something she didn't like? So rather than have something she likes she needs to lie for the rest of her married life and wear something she dislikes just to be polite? It's not a once off birthday present, it's on her hand forever. Not everyone is good at picking things out for others. That doesn't make her spoilt.

fits

Its a difficult situation. I picked out my ring with my husband and having tried lots on, so many rings just wouldn't suit everyone's fingers. It can be a big enough investment and you wear it all your life so from that point of view its nice to get something you like. But then if he paid for it.. Its a tough one. (and i don't think OP is a spoilt brat at all).

wuffly

I don't think you're spoilt or being a brat, i think you are just a but lamped and disappointed. Which is fair enough.
I don't think there is anything wrong with choosing a ring together my parents did it nearly 40 years ago.
But personally I wouldn't change the ring if i were you. My OH picked out my ring its not something i would have chosen but I love it because he chose it which i know he must have found really hard. Unless you truly hate it and don't want to wear I don't think its worth changing it.
Perhaps ye could go look and rings and see if you still really like that other ring that you had in mind, you might find that you've changed your mind? Either way its not the end of the world but i would make a decision about keeping it or changing it fairly quickly put it behind ye and then move on to enjoying being engaged and make sure you're clear about all your wedding ideas! Best of luck.

Keane2baMused

You have to wear it for the rest of your life. I understand your disappointment if it's not to your taste and this does not make you spoiled or a brat!

If he has sense he won't feel you're at all bad for telling the truth. He will probably be disappointed he didn't choose the right one which is understandable, but he shouldn't think at all bad of you for not liking it. You're human! If anything he will hopefully be glad at hearing truth and then you can maybe exchange it (if not a refund).

I doubt he would want you to wear a ring forever that you don't like!

Snoopy1

It's just a ring, get over it and enjoy the engagement.
Also be thankful you have a nice partner who wants to marry you.

CaraMay

She's not a spoilt brat no more than he's a mummy's boy. I can't imagine any man wearing something he didn't like (but could see all day long) for the rest of his life. Tbh I don't know what he was thinking. You clearly said you wanted the experience with him. Bring it somewhere to get it amended or else lose it.... I wouldn't wear a ring I didn't like - it's a waste of money.

Tasden

CaraMay wrote: »

She's not a spoilt brat no more than he's a mummy's boy. I can't imagine any man wearing something he didn't like (but could see all day long) for the rest of his life. Tbh I don't know what he was thinking. You clearly said you wanted the experience with him. Bring it somewhere to get it amended or else lose it.... I wouldn't wear a ring I didn't like - it's a waste of money.

She said in op "I had always assumed". That's not clearly telling him.

meeeeh

CaraMay wrote: »

She's not a spoilt brat no more than he's a mummy's boy. I can't imagine any man wearing something he didn't like (but could see all day long) for the rest of his life. Tbh I don't know what he was thinking. You clearly said you wanted the experience with him. Bring it somewhere to get it amended or else lose it.... I wouldn't wear a ring I didn't like - it's a waste of money.

Well you don't have to wear it. Plenty people don't and a lot don't wear their wedding rings either. Would you say no to a marriage if the only ring you can get is the one you don't like.

I actually can't believe the sense of entitlement from some, not the op. The engagement ring is only part of folklore around the marriage. It doesn't make you any more in love, it doesn't make you any more married, it is a decoration that you even don't have to wear.

IvyTheTerrible

I think it's unfair to dismiss the importance of the engagement ring to a lot of couples. I don't care about engagement rings, I'm not into jewelry. But I wouldn't dismiss the fact that for other people, it has huge cultural significance.

CaraMay

meeeeh wrote: »

Well you don't have to wear it. Plenty people don't and a lot don't wear their wedding rings either. Would you say no to a marriage if the only ring you can get is the one you don't like.

I actually can't believe the sense of entitlement from some, not the op. The engagement ring is only part of folklore around the marriage. It doesn't make you any more in love, it doesn't make you any more married, it is a decoration that you even don't have to wear.

She didn't say no and it would be stupid not to wear a ring that was already paid for

meeeeh

CaraMay wrote: »

She didn't say no and it would be stupid not to wear a ring that was already paid for

I wasn't talking about op, I was mostly replying to sentiment like yours. How could someone suggest to loose a ring intentionally after someone spent most likely significant amount for it is beyond me.

If that isn't sense of entitlement then I don't know what is. I made it clear in my previous post I am not talking about op.

micks_address

Think the longer term.. Yes of course it's your engagement ring but ten year anniversary is diamond anniversary.. Do what my wife did and organise to get the ring you want then...i was brave enough to buy our engagement ring but my wife had basically told me what she wanted..

SarahMollie

meeeeh wrote: »

I wasn't talking about op, I was mostly replying to sentiment like yours. How could someone suggest to loose a ring intentionally after someone spent most likely significant amount for it is beyond me.

If that isn't sense of entitlement then I don't know what is. I made it clear in my previous post I am not talking about op.

I tend to agree. Thats not only entitlement but either insurance fraud or defrauding her BF.

ChampagnePop

CaraMay wrote: »

She's not a spoilt brat no more than he's a mummy's boy. I can't imagine any man wearing something he didn't like (but could see all day long) for the rest of his life. Tbh I don't know what he was thinking. You clearly said you wanted the experience with him. Bring it somewhere to get it amended or else lose it.... I wouldn't wear a ring I didn't like - it's a waste of money.

LOSE THE RING? That's disgusting

CaraMay

ChampagnePop wrote: »

LOSE THE RING? That's disgusting

Clearly it was tongue in cheek

michellie

To the people calling her a spoilt brat...really???

I know adults who have only now after 20 years together upgraded rings because they weren't happy with their original ones. Why should OP keep this ring when it's not her style ?

It's not about the ring it's about what's behind it, he asked her to spend the rest of their lives together. The ring is a small thing- who cares if she changes it!

Change the ring and get something you look at every day and admire.

Parchment

He paid for it - his choice of ring. Thats how i see it.

CaraMay

Parchment wrote: »

He paid for it - his choice of ring. Thats how i see it.

So if he earns more, does he make all the choices for them?

If that's the case then if she doesn't like it she doesn't have to wear it - like any other present you give / get.

I just don't get, in this day and age, why anyone would bring their mother / another to buy a ring for his fiancée.

Shawn Michaels

michellie wrote: »

I know adults who have only now after 20 years together upgraded rings because they weren't happy with their original ones.

I find this astonishing. My Mum has some serious jewellery, and nothing means more to her than her not particularly expensive engagement ring.

eviltwin

Shawn Michaels wrote: »

I find this astonishing. My Mum has some serious jewellery, and nothing means more to her than her not particularly expensive engagement ring.

Different strokes for different folks. I know a few couples who would have become engaged with a token ring and bought something after a few years when they had the money. I know people who bought an engagement necklace or watch instead of a ring and I know people who didn't go for any engagement gift. The important thing is the question and the marriage, the rest is just window dressing.

Shawn Michaels

eviltwin wrote: »

Different strokes for different folks. I know a few couples who would have become engaged with a token ring and bought something after a few years when they had the money. I know people who bought an engagement necklace or watch instead of a ring and I know people who didn't go for any engagement gift. The important thing is the question and the marriage, the rest is just window dressing.

Seems quite materialistic to me. It's not about the physical ring...it's about the engagement / marriage. A ring bought way after the fact is just a ring.

michellie

Shawn Michaels wrote: »

I find this astonishing. My Mum has some serious jewellery, and nothing means more to her than her not particularly expensive engagement ring.

Yea because she loves her ring , its obviously to her taste. Why is it hard for people to understand when someone doesn't love a piece of jewellery ? Why should someone be expected to wear it every day for the rest of their lives if they don't love it ?

Shawn Michaels

michellie wrote: »

Yea because she loves her ring , its obviously to her taste. Why is it hard for people to understand when someone doesn't love a piece of jewellery ? Why should someone be expected to wear it every day for the rest of their lives if they don't love it ?

No. It's nowhere near as nice or valuable as the other stuff. She didn't pick it. But because my Dad did and rustled up the cash to do so, it means more to her. Nothing to do with the style.

CaraMay

Shawn Michaels wrote: »

No. It's nowhere near as nice or valuable as the other stuff. She didn't pick it. But because my Dad did and rustled up the cash to do so, it means more to her. Nothing to do with the style.

So she wears it and doesn't like the style?

Addle

Another ring won't be an engagement ring though, as he's already proposed and been accepted. Another ring will just be another piece of jewellery.

intheclouds

Terrible idea of him and his mother. I mean really, she should have had the cop on to tell him to let OP pick it!

There's a few choices.

Get a refund, maybe a loss, store credit, different ring, see can the jeweller order in a ring you like?

Wear it for a few years then get it remodelled using its own precious metal and diamond(s) into a style you prefer.

Keep it and insist on choosing your own wedding and eternity rings, and get exactly what you want for them.

Personally I'd probably just leave it.

Keane2baMused

Addle wrote: »

Another ring won't be an engagement ring though, as he's already proposed and been accepted. Another ring will just be another piece of jewellery.

So would you say the same for those who get a token ring? Is their 'real' ring just another piece of jewellery and the 10 euro costume ring THE one?

meeeeh

Some do. When ever there is an engagement ring thread there are some who say how much token ring means to them.

I can very well understand why op is disappointed, but every rom com rubbish features the ring being given as a surprise, chosen by boyfriend or even being family heirloom. It's completely natural someone would think buying a ring and surprising the girlfriend with it is the thing to do. I would also think some men would do it strategically because that means they are in charge of how much they spend and how many shops they have to visit.

I just don't think it's that much of a big deal but I also don't think op is a whinger. It's a miscommunication that happens sometimes.

matt-dublin

I was in a similar situation with the wife a few years back but it we over a very expensive pair of shoes.

I picked them as a surprise and wanting to be thoughtful. She wanted us to choose them together and had a go at me for it.

We ended up having a massive row about it as I felt that I had gone to the trouble of spending my hard earned cash, money which I needed to fix my car on something that I knew she wanted and I was being really thoughtful about.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that he was being thoughtful and I wouldn't go there as he was trying to impress you with his actions and excitement

Keane2baMused

meeeeh wrote: »

Some do. When ever there is an engagement ring thread there are some who say how much token ring means to them.

I can very well understand why op is disappointed, but every rom com rubbish features the ring being given as a surprise, chosen by boyfriend or even being family heirloom. It's completely natural someone would think buying a ring and surprising the girlfriend with it is the thing to do. I would also think some men would do it strategically because that means they are in charge of how much they spend and how many shops they have to visit.

I just don't think it's that much of a big deal but I also don't think op is a whinger. It's a miscommunication that happens sometimes.

I have a token ring. And it means an awful lot to me.

However the ring we chose together means more. And not because I got to pick what I wanted. The token ring is stunning in itself, my oh has great taste!

A token ring won't last forever unless it's a very good quality token ring, which defeats the purpose of it really. Mine is already a little discoloured and it has been well looked after!

There's more to the 'diamonds are forever statement ' than the romantic love notion. It's literally that, they last forever, cubic zirconia or glass won't!