Gf broke up/on break with me and we were very happy. What do I do?

Lavinia

Just what's written, which part is not clear to you? :rolleyes:

Ignatius in bloom

Lavinia wrote: »

Just what's written, which part is not clear to you? :rolleyes:

All of it to be honest! Rolling eyes! Nice!

Lavinia

Well look, I hope my post will be helpful to OP for something he is missing to see. I am curious to hear his feedback, if he decides to do so. It is nothing personal and spec not to you.
So I will ask again - what bothers you with it?

Traq

To me it just sounds like you and your girlfriend just weren't compatible. It got to the point where it became clear to her you were not going to work together long term. She may have fabricated reasons for the breakup but she wanted to break up nonetheless and if it wasn't now it would have been soon anyway.

Apologies if this sounds harsh but that's my take on it. Your best course of action is to move on.

Ignatius in bloom

Lavinia wrote: »

Well look, I hope my post will be helpful to OP for something he is missing to see. I am curious to hear his feedback, if he decides to do so. It is nothing personal and spec not to you.
So I will ask again - what bothers you with it?

Well maybe I missed it but does he actually say he lives at home?

He helps his mother? Means he is a mommas boy?? Derogratory really

He comes Across as quite mature and independent so to cast him as something he is not is unhelpful and judgmental!

And he actually seemed the one who was driving the future regarding getting married and children so seems bizarre to ask him in some way to grow up!

Lavinia

Ignatius in bloom wrote: »

Well maybe I missed it but does he actually say he lives at home?

He helps his mother? Means he is a mommas boy?? Derogratory really

He comes Across as quite mature and independent so to cast him as something he is not is unhelpful and judgmental!

That is what I got from his posts. If I am wrong he will correct me. No need to panic.

Ignatius in bloom

Lavinia wrote: »

That is what I got from his posts. If I am wrong he will correct me. No need to panic.

Well actually maybe you didn't realise it but you kind of attacked him!

Lavinia

Perhaps for a reason

Ignatius in bloom

Lavinia wrote: »

Perhaps for a reason

To make him feel worse about himself? by calling him derogatory names and telling him to grow up? Cool gotcha

Lavinia

Ignatius in bloom wrote: »

To make him feel worse about himself? by calling him derogatory names and telling him to grow up? Cool gotcha

You are reading your own thoughts into what I said. Can we please stop trolling this thread? If OP has something to tell me he will.
If you do please use PM, thanks.
When I wrote "perhaps for a reason" it means I said what i said "for a reason". Nothing else.

LegacyUser

To clarify, no I do not live at home. I house share in Cork. I stay at home one or maybe 2 nights at the weekend and usually spend one night in the house in cork with gf. Gf was sharing a house till January until it was sold and she moved home about half an hour away from the city.

Since christmas I admit I have been run a bit ragged from organising and doing the work on the house at home so mum would feel more comfortable with future visiting. I see that that has resulted in a lack of quality time with gf recently. It had an effect.

We both talked about house and having a family in the next few years and we both seemed to be on the same page. Her perhaps at a bit more of a state of readiness than me perhaps but I do want it. Anyway, we'd have to get married and have a house first - that would be our principles on family, we'd both be from rural backgrounds.

I feel a bit more responsibility to home than perhaps most - my 2 brothers are in the UK and we rarely see them at all. My dad is dead. My sister is married with 2 small children and she is effectively a single parent because her husband is not much use at home, he's very old fashioned in attitude despite being only in his 40s. The result is that a lot of the jobs around home fall to me. The farm is leased but there always seems to be things needing doing around the house and the yard. Gf often told me not to put myself under so much pressure. I didn't listen.

Myself and mum are close but I'm not "under her apron" as some might had misunderstood. I just feel a respponsibility to drive things at home since she's not much good at initiative and if I didn't drive it nothing would probably happen.

Neyite

Mod:

Lavinia & Ignatius, can you take your discussion to pm please? Replies should be advice or help for the OP, not general discussion of each others posts.

Lavinia

Complicated situation...
Did any of what I wrote rang a bell or was it all off? Eg your sudden urge to change (which is ok but bit too late to save the relationship?)
Do you think that if you did this earlier would make any difference?
how long since she told you about her worries or problems she had with it?...

Regardless of the outcome for the relationship I presume the CBT will do you good anyways so prob good to continue it for your own sake.

LegacyUser

Well she had always said that I was always going going going and it amazed her that I didn't seem to tire from it.

I suppose the issue about worrying about not being welcome at home cropped up before christmas. We had met mum and sis out in my local town and at her house twice. Mum seemed reluctant about having her at home due to the poor state of repair of the house.

It is since christmas that I've been putting in effort to do up the house, (needed to be done anyway and was talked about) but having a situation that gf could visit with ease was an extra motivator. But it dragged on, I dragged my heals, my gf heard about all the work going on but never got an invite, it caused a lack of quality time together.
I think there are multiple different things that contributed to her frustrations and calling a halt.

I will carry on with the CBT. I think one way or another it will be a beneficial experience and I will grow as a person and mature from what I learn about myself and how I think.

Lavinia

To me tbh this "Mum seemed reluctant about having her at home due to the poor state of repair of the house." rang trouble bells. I mean, it sems as your mum is giving excuses so not to have perhaps your gf around or if she is about the other people like that than perhaps she has troubles on her own and just does not want any people around? Did she make any comments on your gf otherwise?

You continuing with your life the best you can is prob a good way to go - and who knows, maybe she (your ex gf) comes around. Perhaps you can meet occasionally for a cup of tea and a chat, talk like friends, jsut with no pressure as - as you noticed - it may backfire.

I do see things from her point of view also and it is good that you will become aware of that even if only to do better in your next relationship.

LegacyUser

Hi lavinia.

Well my mum does like my gf, says she is jolly, sociable and "she's lovely and tall"!!! Always amazed at how she's a fine girl.

Anyway, she's always been like this about people calling to the house. Mys sister had a similar issue years ago in that she often had to find an excuse to not bring her bf to the house because mum was odd about it. She pretty much never lets anyone in the kitchen because it is a state, understanable, but she never does anything about it no matter how much we tidy it for her - she just lets it slide back to mess within days.


Well lavinia the approach you speak of is what I happen to think is best also to give the relationship the best chance. Give it time, space and no pressure or premature contact.

I propose to drop a quick whatsapp along the lines of what I said previously to let her know I'm pro-actively working on the issues that have affected us. All going well I shall keep contact brief and only occasional. If that seems to get a positive reaction I might progress to a phone call. If that has a good response I might suggest going for tea and a light chit-chat, never pushing the relationship issue.
This I propose to take place gradually over the summer months. I know all too well that my eagerness to contact her over our previous 2 week break really stressed her and backfired on me. A lot of hurt has been caused and healing is needed on both sides.

tara73

tbh I havn't read everything but it seems crystal clear to me from what I read: sorry if it sounds harsh, but the truth has to be told and the main problem here is : you are a mammies boy.
and let me tell you: there is nothing more a turn off to a woman than a mammies boy.

your mum is manipulating you big time and she's very successful.
here it is:
she tells she's embarrassed about her house and that's the reason she can't invite your gf as a visitor. now you should do up her house. with this trick she's tieing you to her, to be at her place. she probably also knows you are not very good in getting things done, so even better for her, you'll stay at her place 'forever', trying to improve it.
she knows you try to do up her house with your hope of the happy ending she will invite your gf and everything will be great. but as said, that's not her intention. her intention is to keep her boy for herself doing up her house and every gf will be left behind. I read you said that she never liked any of your gf.

so, can you see what she's doing to you? the person you should be really angry with is your mum (or you, letting yourself being manipulated like this!!), not your (ex) gf. I'm sure she did manipulate you like this fom the day you were born, otherwise you wouldn't be this people pleaser.

it might be a long process for you ahead, but it's worth starting it, starting to get independant from your mum and people around you in general. if you can manage to do that, with the help of a counselor probably, it's a big step to live a happy life.

Clampdown

tara73 wrote: »

tbh I havn't read everything but it seems crystal clear to me from what I read: sorry if it sounds harsh, but the truth has to be told and the main problem here is : you are a mammies boy.
and let me tell you: there is nothing more a turn off to a woman than a mammies boy.

your mum is manipulating you big time and she's very successful.
here it is:
she tells she's embarrassed about her house and that's the reason she can't invite your gf as a visitor. now you should do up her house. with this trick she's tieing you to her, to be at her place. she probably also knows you are not very good in getting things done, so even better for her, you'll stay at her place 'forever', trying to improve it.
she knows you try to do up her house with your hope of the happy ending she will invite your gf and everything will be great. but as said, that's not her intention. her intention is to keep her boy for herself doing up her house and every gf will be left behind. I read you said that she never liked any of your gf.

so, can you see what she's doing to you? the person you should be really angry with is your mum (or you, letting yourself being manipulated like this!!), not your (ex) gf. I'm sure she did manipulate you like this fom the day you were born, otherwise you wouldn't be this people pleaser.

it might be a long process for you ahead, but it's worth starting it, starting to get independant from your mum and people around you in general. if you can manage to do that, with the help of a counselor probably, it's a big step to live a happy life.

I dunno about all this, to me it seems like it's exaggerating the situation with OP's mum quite a bit. He doesn't live at home, neither do his siblings, he's Mum is older and widowed, it sounds to me like he's doing what most decent fellas would, keep in touch and help out. I guess you prefer men who just abandon their widowed mothers completely?

A mammies boy would be someone who lives at home (when they don't have to) and has his mother still cooking/washing his clothes, etc.

Whatever the gf's reasons were (and sometimes they won't tell you all of them), as a poster said before, she ended it because she didn't think the issues would ever get fixed, or maybe she just fell out of love/attraction and decided to do what's best. She said I love you most likely as in 'I still care about you loads', but that's different than romantic love. Procrastination and family visits are pretty odd (and flimsy) dealbreakers to be honest. If it was alcoholism or something then I could see it being a big deal. I mean, we all procrastinate sometimes, we all have some weird family stuff that we hide, if your in love with someone those are not usually things that buy you a one way ticket to Splitsville.

Can I just put forth the suggestion that maybe you are a very decent guy, but she just decided she absolutely, definitely wanted to move on, and wanted to do it without hurting you any more than necessary, because she knows how nice you are? Because the whole 'no text or calls' ie: a clean break, and the reasons she gave suggest that to me.

I just think it would be terrible if you now go putting yourself under all this pressure to 'work on' these things that this woman and other posters have said is 'wrong' with you, when in reality you don't have a chance of getting back with your ex because she just wants to move on from the relationship permanently, because she knows you're just not the one (which doesn't mean you're a bad guy or a loser!)

We all have things we can work on but you do not leave someone you love unless you are convinced those flaws can't be fixed or maybe they're not even big flaws you just know it's not the person you want to be with any more and you're doing them a disservice by staying with them. You have to sometimes break someone's heart for both your sakes in that situation.

If she was still in love with you, she would have either given you more of a chance to work on the issues she had a problem with, or accepted those flaws because she loved so many other things about you and hey, no one's perfect.

I'd say it's best if you just move on from this woman (it's not easy, takes time). Telling her how hard you've been working on the issues she said were reasons is unlikely to get her back.

LegacyUser

Thank you.

Past 2 weeks I just feel like crap, stomach in knots.

I feel like I had my failings but I did do my best, even if I made mistakes.
I just feel like my best wasn't good enough for her.

Still a huge sense of loss and I can't sleep right either.

I miss her so much. I just want her back.

leggo

Never change because another person demanded it and held you to ransom by breaking up with you, change for yourself and if other people (this girl included) happen to like those changes, then great.

Control the controllables. You're not going to get this girl back by telling her how much you've changed. If you genuinely feel something is wrong with you, work on it for yourself and in time that change will be evident for her and everyone else to see.

The reason I'm saying this is because the situation you've outlined doesn't seem to be the kind of situation that ends a serious relationship. It was the first thing I thought of as I read your OP and others have said so too. So I'm suspicious about what's really the problem here. And I don't suspect you turning around and changing everything to suit this girl's every over-thinking worry is going to solve anything. For a start, it's not attractive to anyone when someone basically offers themselves and everything about their life up on a plate for you to dictate. Secondly because love is about acceptance of who someone is, warts and all. And, if her reasons are true and she has broken up with you because you didn't get the car fixed in a timely enough manner for her, then the sad reality is she's probably fallen out of love and is already gone.

Rather than take the approach that your ex or your mother is to blame for all of this, do the productive thing and learn what you can from this experience to improve yourself for the future, since your ex has left you with no other choice but to do so. Figure out the person YOU want to be going forward, not who your ex or mam want you to be, and what you can do to get from A to B. Make that your new goal in life and use it to fill the gaps where your ex would've taken time up and you'd miss her. Start rebuilding from the ground up and come away from it a better person. In doing so, you may even get the ex back, or you may meet someone else who fits in better with the new you. Easier said than done, I know, but take it step-by-step and it's absolutely possible.

LegacyUser

I don't want to meet someone else.

I just want to talk to her so badly, do all the things we used to do, go for walks, cuddle on the couch, talk shíte etc. Looking through pics of all our day trips yesterday and I'm just a mess. I'm in no condition to talk to her.

Dropped her a text this morning just hoping she had a good week off from school and wishing her a good day. Don't expect a reply and I'm not texting her anymore.

Working on my issues. but at this moment in time I've no interest in relationship with anyone. Hurts too much that my best and my love wasn't good enough.

dixiefly

leggo wrote: »

Never change because another person demanded it and held you to ransom by breaking up with you, change for yourself and if other people (this girl included) happen to like those changes, then great.

Control the controllables. You're not going to get this girl back by telling her how much you've changed. If you genuinely feel something is wrong with you, work on it for yourself and in time that change will be evident for her and everyone else to see.

The reason I'm saying this is because the situation you've outlined doesn't seem to be the kind of situation that ends a serious relationship. It was the first thing I thought of as I read your OP and others have said so too. So I'm suspicious about what's really the problem here. And I don't suspect you turning around and changing everything to suit this girl's every over-thinking worry is going to solve anything. For a start, it's not attractive to anyone when someone basically offers themselves and everything about their life up on a plate for you to dictate. Secondly because love is about acceptance of who someone is, warts and all. And, if her reasons are true and she has broken up with you because you didn't get the car fixed in a timely enough manner for her, then the sad reality is she's probably fallen out of love and is already gone.

Rather than take the approach that your ex or your mother is to blame for all of this, do the productive thing and learn what you can from this experience to improve yourself for the future, since your ex has left you with no other choice but to do so. Figure out the person YOU want to be going forward, not who your ex or mam want you to be, and what you can do to get from A to B. Make that your new goal in life and use it to fill the gaps where your ex would've taken time up and you'd miss her. Start rebuilding from the ground up and come away from it a better person. In doing so, you may even get the ex back, or you may meet someone else who fits in better with the new you. Easier said than done, I know, but take it step-by-step and it's absolutely possible.

I havent read the full thread either but I do agree with this post.

My feeling from reading the first couple of pages is that the spark has gone in the relationship for your ex girlfriend, it could be your mum / your procrastination but it also could be something else and is probably a combination of several things and also perhaps changes in her also.

If it was me I would regard it now as being a relationship in the past and move on on that basis. If ye guys get together in the future then so be it, but if it was me I would need reassurances that she would now accept and love me warts and all.
You are who you are, we can all work to improve and take comments from others on board but she seems to have more issues with the relationship than just this.

Best of luck.

dixiefly

upsetbf86 wrote: »

Hi lavinia.

Well my mum does like my gf, says she is jolly, sociable and "she's lovely and tall"!!! Always amazed at how she's a fine girl.

Anyway, she's always been like this about people calling to the house. Mys sister had a similar issue years ago in that she often had to find an excuse to not bring her bf to the house because mum was odd about it. She pretty much never lets anyone in the kitchen because it is a state, understanable, but she never does anything about it no matter how much we tidy it for her - she just lets it slide back to mess within days.


Well lavinia the approach you speak of is what I happen to think is best also to give the relationship the best chance. Give it time, space and no pressure or premature contact.

I propose to drop a quick whatsapp along the lines of what I said previously to let her know I'm pro-actively working on the issues that have affected us. All going well I shall keep contact brief and only occasional. If that seems to get a positive reaction I might progress to a phone call. If that has a good response I might suggest going for tea and a light chit-chat, never pushing the relationship issue.
This I propose to take place gradually over the summer months. I know all too well that my eagerness to contact her over our previous 2 week break really stressed her and backfired on me. A lot of hurt has been caused and healing is needed on both sides.

I don't think you should do this.

Lavinia

upsetbf86 wrote: »

Thank you.
Past 2 weeks I just feel like crap, stomach in knots.
I feel like I had my failings but I did do my best, even if I made mistakes.
I just feel like my best wasn't good enough for her.
Still a huge sense of loss and I can't sleep right either.
I miss her so much. I just want her back.

I am sorry to hear this OP, but of course I understand perfectly well.. I presume most of us have been there at some stage in our lives... and I am no exception...
Not sure what to tell you, should you call her, not to call her, try this or the other thing...
But just wish to give you a hug and to say - hang on in there... When the time comes you will know what to do, and you will just do it...
Our heart cannot accept the advise of a reason so many times...

LegacyUser

Thank you lavinia.

I hope we can start again, but I realise and will have to accept the probability that it won't happen.

Moving on is not easy, I don't want to move on. I am badly heartbroken as I love this girl with all my heart. But I have no choice. I must continue without her.

leggo

upsetbf86 wrote: »

I don't want to meet someone else.

I just want to talk to her so badly, do all the things we used to do, go for walks, cuddle on the couch, talk shíte etc. Looking through pics of all our day trips yesterday and I'm just a mess. I'm in no condition to talk to her.

Dropped her a text this morning just hoping she had a good week off from school and wishing her a good day. Don't expect a reply and I'm not texting her anymore.

Working on my issues. but at this moment in time I've no interest in relationship with anyone. Hurts too much that my best and my love wasn't good enough.

Aw man...I've been there. I've so been exactly where you are - to the letter - and I remember how absolutely heart-achingly **** it was, you have my complete sympathy.

For the record, I wasn't saying go out and find someone else now. I was saying more focus on you for now and rebuilding yourself up as a new person (making the changes you, and only you, want; not changes to please her or your mam) and, in the process, when you are ready you may find someone better than you thought possible. Someone who wouldn't leave you this way out of the blue, at least. Someone who loves and accepts you for who you are.

For example: I recently had an ex from the past, who left me saying a lot of literally the exact same things you're saying now, reach out to me and basically say she made a mistake. And, you know what? While that was all I wanted to happen at the time, I passed. I bounced back and am in a position in my life now where going back to that wouldn't make me happy because I now see how much more is possible.

It can be done man, trust me. Not only is it possible, it's likely. I know you don't see that now, so just trust from someone who's been there if that helps you get through the day. There'll be a time when the pain goes away. And you can start that by forgiving yourself, not blaming yourself on everything and seeing that the problems she had were probably an overreaction on her part and not a slight on yours. And at the end of this all you'll be a better man for this.

If the idea of thinking about the two of you apart is too difficult, try this mindset: your 'relationship' now is all about how you became a better person from her walking away. That's the string that binds and connects you now. How she knocked you down and you got back up and became better and stronger than you thought you could be. Give it enough time and you'll just be better and will wake up not thinking or even particularly wanting any notion of a connection between you two.

batmanrobin

upsetbf86 wrote: »

Hurts too much that my best and my love wasn't good enough.

I'd imagine it was less about you and more about HER feelings. By that I mean that your best and your love were enough, but her feelings for you and the relationship changed. When feelings change like that there is little that can be done really.

For your own sake, don't contact her again. Each time you do you're setting yourself back to square one. You'd be better off blocking her and deleting her number. It'll make it harder for you to engage in instant contact.

Stop thinking about how she is doing and focus on yourself. OP, you sound like a decent bloke. Be decent and kind towards yourself now.

DukeOfTheSharp

Look OP, we all make mistakes, to what degree and how we can fix them - especially with regards to relationships - requires communication and honesty. If someone isn't honest and forthcoming with you, you're never going to get anywhere, it's the biggest headache in a relationship, and blindsiding you to the extent she did was an immature choice to make. I think that, while entitled to her feelings on the matter, how she handled those feelings and how she communicated them was beyond wrong-headed and poor. You're allowed be angry, but temper that anger with the understanding that regardless of your perceived 'failures', she's just as much to blame given how she's handled things; cryptically and vaguely.

Now, here's a thing you need to get in order: you have siblings, get onto them and tell them to help your mother fix up the house. You can't be a dutiful son and have your own life, it doesn't work that way. Procrastination? The key is to understand that if you do it now, it won't screw you later, it takes a while but it's doable, it's a learning process.

Forget your ex, spend time on yourself, and remember that relationships are about communication: if someone isn't willing to tell you what's wrong, get the hell out of dodge.

Clampdown

Stop contacting her OP. It won't get her back and it will only stop you taking your mind off her, which is what you need to do. Dont look at any more pictures or anything either.

Just completely ignore her, trust me on this. If she still has feelings for you, or is having second thoughts about dumping you, she will get curious and contact you. If not, take it as a sign that this is 100% final. Which it likely is and any further efforts to contact her will just cause you both more pain.

LegacyUser

Duke,

Getting on to my siblings to help with the house is a waste of time. My brothers both live in the UK for years, one is married in Scotland and asking him to do anything is a waste of words trust me. Hasn't been back in 3 years odd, always an excuse. The other is in London but rarely see him either.
Sister has 2 kids to mind and is effectively a single parent because her husband, although a nice enough guy, is absolutely useless and incompetent around the house and kids.
She does do her best to advise and help where she can though. I don't want to add more stress to her than she already has.

Look besides, most of the work is not DIY stuff anyway at this stage, its all trades - painters, gutter fitters, joiners etc there this week so there's nothing they could really do anyway except clean up to get ready but that's all done now.

Look, I do want her back. I am going to play the long game on it, leave her be and come back to her when the dust settles in some time and just see what happens even if that wrecks my head in the meantime. I do feel she is worth it. At least then I can walk away saying I 100% did everything I could and not be thinking what if...