Gf broke up/on break with me and we were very happy. What do I do?

LegacyUser

Hi.

So me(29m) and gf(31f) are going out almost 1.5 years. We are very much in love, never fought, get on so so well, spend loads of time together and now over the past 2 weeks she's broken up with me for what I see are issues that are readily solvable. I am distraught and would love some advice on what to do. We tick all eachother's boxes and I feel it is a great relationship since we want the same things in life, marriage, build a house, family etc. I was hoping to move in with her this summer and maybe we'd get married next. No specific plan was in place be we both seemed to be on the same page about stuff.

There were some issues in the relationship that bothered her and I knew it but didn't think they were a big thing and she never said she was actually unhappy until it all came out when she said she wanted to break up. 1. she is frustrated by my tendency to procrastinate and not get stuff done in a timely manner as I could. 2. I've met her family a good few times, lovely people, but she has only met mine 3 times. This is the big issue. You see my mother's house isn't great and she's very embarrassed about it and is reluctant to have visitors. I have tried to do it up for her (mum) to maker her more at ease but I admit I have not been as proactive about having gf meet my family as I could have been. My mother can be difficult and I suppose I have avoided and put off the issue and now it's broken my relationship. Gf feels unwelcome but that is not the case, I want her involved but I don't want my mum uncomfortable and cause a fight by pressuring her having gf up more often. Meeting in town is an option but that just seems weird tbh.

I explained home issue with gf before, she understands but I feel she thinks I haven't been proactive enough about the family involvement and in other stuff too which I acknowledge.

We said we'd take a break but I kept up contact with her, promised to make the effort she wants with family and address my procrastination habit through taking a CBT course of which I have now done 2 sessions and is very good. I felt I put too much pressure on the contacting her and it was counterproductive.

However, we met sunday and I explained all and stated how important our relationhip was to me and how I am willing to put in the effort to right the things that were not great. She didn't blame me but I feel responsible tbh. She says it was a series of unfortunate circumstances that stressed her out and although she loves me she feels she has "run out of diesel" in the relationship despite the almost universal good times we have and us wanting the same things.

On sunday our parting was very tearful and upsetting for us both, last thing we said was "i love you" to eachother.

I really want to fix things with her. I was planning to marry this girl. Very down last few days not being in touch with her. Tbh I feel a bit angry that she is has given up and bailed out without giving a real chance to right the things that are wrong. I feel as if I am being punished and that I am not good enough. I feel guilty for fúcking things up. I miss her.

I'm not contacting her now. I was thinking I should leave her be for a week or 2 and then maybe check in with her hoping she's had some time to relax, cool off and maybe see sense. She is a worrier and a doer. I feel she freaked out about the issues and made a bold and rash decision to break without giving the chance to fix things.

Sorry for the wall of text, i'm stressed out. tl;dr: I want her back. What should I do?

LegacyUser

I suppose I am a people pleaser. I do lots of work at home to help my mum, chopping wood, helping do up the house, I help my sister a lot with her things - helping her with problems on her land that her husband is useless at etc.

Gf says I compartmentalize my life into family work and relationship and a spread myself too thinly. She appreciates I try to help everyone but says that she feels exhausted and that she has tried to tell my but I didn't hear/listen/ take heed enough to effect change.

Now I've got an awful hop and can see what I've done. I've tried to please everyone but ended up not pleasing anyone.

LegacyUser

I really feel an urge to text/call but I know we said we wouldn't.

I hate playing mind games but my current thinking is to not call/text for 2 weeks or so and let her feel the sting of no longer having me hoping she'll reconsider her decision.

I know I had my failings but I do feel I was very good to her in other respects. She says I'm extremely thoughful, kind and intelligent but she's just exhauseted.

batmanrobin

I think leave it completely. You've already told her you'll work on things and want to make the relationship work. She's told you she doesn't. There's not much you can do there. IF she changes her mind she'll get in touch with you. Honestly, though, I think you need to focus on looking after yourself and try to move past it.

You can talk to her until you're blue in the face, but if she's done (and it sounds like she is) then you're not going to change her mind.

Idle Passerby

From what you've described she was more unhappy with how things were than you realised. If problems have got to a stage that one person needs to step out of the relationship, its already pretty bad.

Reasonable people don't leave good relationships to make a point, they leave when they see no way of fixing things. It's very hard to claw back the trust and commitment when one person has decided they would rather leave than continue trying.

My guess is if you stand any chance of getting her back youd need to show proof that the issues she was bothered by have been tackled and positive changes have already begun.

CorkFenian

Its tough if you want advice and I guess thats why you're here.

I would leave it completely-This is easier said than done...Give her the time and space to feel it again-The other way is going to be all about you and that will never work-trust me I've tried, just never does work

So start concentrating on work, fitness, concetrate on you , stop talking about what you're going to do and just do it

Its the only way for you to take charge and if she sees this and likes it she'll come back if not well there was never anything you could do in the first place

Best of luck...

LegacyUser

Thanks for all your responses.

I do realise that saying I can effect the change is just that, saying it. I agree that to have any chance I need to effect and demonstrate the changes i'v emade in the way I do things.

I am approaching those changes positively and I am effecting them now. For example, she said I spread myself very thin doing things at home. I have pretty much washed my hands on "hands on" work at home where possible and over the past week have had a number of tradesmen out to take care of things for me/mum without need for my direct involvement. I told gf/ex that I was going to do that.

I also recognise the issue I have with procrastination. Within 3 days of her wanting to break I had organised to attend CBT to improve the way I approach situations. I now have 2 sessions done and I am enthusiastic about completing the course which is suggested will be 10 sessions with projects and exercises.

I just feel a failure in the relationship and I am feeling a huge sense of loss.

I feel I will not meet anyone like her.

LegacyUser

I understand she needs time to be able to be in a position to feel it again as you say. Agreed. I'm thinking though that rather than being completely off the radar and effectively disappearing, should I let her know that i'm actively addressing my issues? Ie, text her in 2 weeks saying I hope she's doing OK and letting her know I'm getting on well at the CBT and that the situation with the jobs at home is all resolved?

Or would that be "all about me"? Kind of is I suppose.

daisybelle2008

Upsetbf86 wrote: »

Hi.

she feels she has "run out of diesel" in the relationship

I really want to fix things with her. I was planning to marry this girl. Very down last few days not being in touch with her. Tbh I feel a bit angry that she is has given up and bailed out without giving a real chance to right the things that are wrong. I feel as if I am being punished and that I am not good enough.

woah there, that is not good, you need to respect that she doesn't feel the same way. It might feel like you are being 'punished' but she is perfectly entitled to not want to continue in the relationship if it doesn't feel 100% right to her. Getting angry at her and beating yourself up is not going to help matters. You need to respect the choice she has made and not push the issue.

LegacyUser

Not angry at her as such, just frustrated and angry at the situation.

Augme

Agree with the advice not to contact her. If she gets in touch again you should just tell her it's over. She doesn't sound like a good catch. Be careful about willing to bend over backwards to please her no matter what, that can have pretty unhealthy consequences.

If you're sticking with the CBT then I'd ask them to look at why you feel the need to please everyone all of the time. That's seems like a much bigger issue to me.

LegacyUser

I realise procrastination can be frustrating and I know family are important to most people, but if that's honestly all there is to it then I think she was looking for an excuse. You don't bin a healthy relationship for those things, you work on them together. I think to be honest that even the CBT is a little too far unless you drag your heels so much that you've become dysfunctional. There's room in a relationship for different habits, even bad ones. I hate some stuff my gf does, but I don't hate her for it and I wouldn't dream of ending it for those things.
The family issue seems a little strange to me, contrived even. Your gf may want to see more of them, but she's not *entitled* to. No matter what your mother's reasons for not being more receptive to visitors, they're her reasons and she's entitled to have them respected. I wouldn't insist on going to somebody's home if they were uncomfortable with it, that's just not my place, no matter what relationship I had to them, but especially a third party relationship.

I don't think you need to take the blame here as much as you seem to be doing and I don't think your ex has been entirely honest with you either.

LegacyUser

On the grand scale of things the two issues you describe don't really sound all that bad especially the one about not being able to spend more time with your family. Obviously they are something that bother her. This stage in a relationship is often make or break time - one and a half to two years. If she sees these issues as a deal breaker then she must not feel you are compatible in the long term. I think when bigger issues would come up such as house, finance, children there could be possibly even more problems.

zoobizoo

4 issues

-Your Procrastination
-Your Mother
-Spreading yourself too thin (helping) others
-She;s exhausted


Okay, were you putting others ahead of her? Were you doing stuff for others which meant putting other things off?

What type of things were you procrastinating over?

What is she exhausted about? Telling you to get stuff done?

Are you saying that the Mother thing was the biggest issue?

LegacyUser

a) I do. I procrastinated on getting my car fixed at over xmas when it broke. I had a spare car at home so that sort of "enabled me" but I know I should have had it sorted sooner. This bothered her as she worried that I had a poor approach to her.
She totally understands I want to help mum with the house but feels I procrastinated and tasks took too long and this affected the amoutn of quality time we spend together. Sometimes I would come down for a date and I'd be a bit tired from all the work.
She had advised I should "get a handyman" or "the man" to do some of the grunt work.

b) my mother has an odd attitude. She is very concious about the house being in not great shape and is very reluctant to have visitors, fair enough in itself and gf understands and didn't want to put pressure. Hence my trying to motivate mum to fix it up so make her more at ease and facilitate integrating gf into family more. But she is difficult, getting decisions and agreement on from her on refurbishment is like pulling teeth. My sister finds her difficult and contrary too. I feel if I didn't make progress, no progress would ever be made because she hasn't much initiative and has to be pushed kicking and screaming almost to make progress. But look, in hindsight I could have managed things better - like brought her to visit my sister's house instead. But i didn't, and I am sorry.

Mum also has a weird attitude to any gf/bf - when I suggesting bringing gf she says things like "why would she want to meet me? Ah sure there's a "want" in her!, Sure in my day you often didn't meet your in-laws until the day of the wedding!!!" That stresses me. But I can't blame my mum. I didn't handle things great either. Gf is very family orientated and and this situation bothered her as she felt unwelcome. In part I feel I'm being punished and dumped because of issues that are, to some degree at least, outside my control or I didn't take control at least.

c) I suppose she has said several times that I am "always going, going". Doing stuff at home, doing my work, doing keeping fit and going on dates and doing things with her and I never relax. She is right. I am a bit of a hamster at times and in hindsight I do see areas where the relationship suffered because of it.


As said, I've scaled back on active involvement in doing the refurb at home and it is more or less completed now anyway with just some painting to be done which I have a guy lined up to do rather than do it myself. To get the mother to allow him in to paint the kitchen was another battle, she has a thing about people coming in to the house.

d) she says she's exhausted by my approach to things. About the procrastinating of things like the car

Gf is a self admitted worrier. I feel she might be worried if we were building a house or had a family that I'd be not there all the time because I'd still be on the hamster wheel of doing stuff at home or other activities.

I explained all to the CBT therapist I saw for the procrastination. He said it seems like we both have anxiety issues - she is a super-organiser and deals with uncertainty by "getting shít done ASAP and likes to relax a lot" whereas I deal with it by avoidance and do a lot of activity (fitness) as a means of distraction from negative thoughts. These opposite approaches brought about a clash resulting in current situation.


I think the home situation is probably the issue that is most to the fore, gf is very social and family orientated and meeting my family only sporadiacally bothered her.

The always going going and procrastination is an issue but I get the impression it is lesser.

Although she mentioned issues worrying her before she never said that she was unhappy in the relationship or that she had doubts. If she had, at least then I could have fixed the problems that I did not see fully as being a big problem.

I feel awful. I feel a huge loss, -loss of the girl I love, loss of the life we had planned.. I feel guilty. I feel not good enough. I feel a failure. I feel I will never meet a girl as great as her again and will end up settling.

As she dropped back to my car sunday, we cried, we reminisced on all the good times we had, we said how much we would miss each other, that we loved each other. Before I left we shared what felt like the tightest hug we ever hugged.

LegacyUser

... and I fully intend on finishing the CBT course in its entirety one way or another. I think it will be very helpful and I will learn a lot from it.

zoobizoo

Okay,

Seems to me like you delay on some things (which don't seem that important). What way do your prioritise your actions? Sounds like you do what needs to be done. The car didn't really "need" to be done as you had another, but maybe other things needed to get done.

In fact, it doesn't sound like you procrastinate that much - maybe it's only over the things that she feels she wants done.

You cannot change your mother but your "ex" doesn't seem to realise that your family functions in a completely different way. You have never been able to change your mother. You never will be. They will never be best friends and will never have the relationship that she wants to have with your mother. If you have explained that and she cannot grasp that then that is not your problem, it's hers.

It also seems that she likes to relax by doing nothing, and you spend your spare time doing things (which really sounds like you're not a procrastinator).

Sounds like she has a few issues dude... and she can't accept that you do things differently to her

LegacyUser

I know I sound proactive now, but I only have made the drive to be proactive since the potential breakup came about. I knew I procrastinated, I knew it bothered her...but not to such an extend. And I failed to act until it reached a crisis point.

I procrastinate at work too. I defer unpleasant tasks on projects and those chickens have also come home to roost in the last few days, as if I hadn't enough stress already. I think addressing this problem I have is long overdue.

I just feel incredibly lost at the moment with the recent events.

silverbolt

upsetbf86 wrote: »

I suppose I am a people pleaser. I do lots of work at home to help my mum, chopping wood, helping do up the house, I help my sister a lot with her things - helping her with problems on her land that her husband is useless at etc.

Gf says I compartmentalize my life into family work and relationship and a spread myself too thinly. She appreciates I try to help everyone but says that she feels exhausted and that she has tried to tell my but I didn't hear/listen/ take heed enough to effect change.

Now I've got an awful hop and can see what I've done. I've tried to please everyone but ended up not pleasing anyone.

Ok this sounds to me at first glance that frankly she didnt feel she was a big enough priority in your life. If she has told you and told and has seen no change then this is not a spur of the moment thing. This has been building for quite some time.

Reading through the rest of the thread - the other glaring thing to me is your mother and her involvement in your life. Your partner was frankly seeing herself as second best. Now on the one hand shes not your wife - on the other youve been together a year and a half.

A lot of what youve been saying seems to come back down to her, especially some of the things that she "says" Irish mammies boys have a really bad reputation at times (mammy is interfering and boy wont let go of the apron strings) and she may be all too aware of this - I'm not saying you are like this but she may be seeing it this way.

I agree with others - youve made your case clear, she knows you want to work it out and that you are willing to do what is needed. Leave it at that, give her space.

LegacyUser

Yes, she has said several times in a joking manner that I'm a mammy's boy. I suppose I am to a degree.

I'm not a bad person, but I feel like shít tbh.

I shall give her space. I will work on the issues I have to work on.

What do I do then though? Do I simply do nothing and hope she drops me line at some stage? She might never do so and I'd be left in limbo waiting and not wanting to move on, because I don't. Do I check in with her after a period of time has elapsed and inform her of how I got on at the CBT and that I've changed my approach to dealing with personal and home tasks?

I hate this uncertainty......

LegacyUser

I think you are being too hard on yourself here. You are not a bad person, in fact you sound like a pretty good guy but she is being too particular.

I don't see the point in writing a letter to her, why not just text her or whatever? But then I do suppose a letter is that bit more personal.

I wouldn't go contacting her just yet. Give it time, enough time but not so much that she just gets over it and moves on. No-one can say how long that might be. I get that you want to prove to her that you want to make the changes to the way you approach things but even then, there are no guarantees....

silverbolt

upsetbf86 wrote: »

Yes, she has said several times in a joking manner that I'm a mammy's boy. I suppose I am to a degree.

I'm not a bad person, but I feel like shít tbh.

I shall give her space. I will work on the issues I have to work on.

What do I do then though? Do I simply do nothing and hope she drops me line at some stage? She might never do so and I'd be left in limbo waiting and not wanting to move on, because I don't. Do I check in with her after a period of time has elapsed and inform her of how I got on at the CBT and that I've changed my approach to dealing with personal and home tasks?

I hate this uncertainty......

This you defientely should not do. Get a clear cut answer from her as to where you guys are going/gone.

Give her a couple of weeks to mull things over. And engage with her.

But if if she wants to work it out then this time you need to listen. And do bear in mind there are no guarantees. You have to ask yourself how much your willing to change

I dont think your a bad person but a mummies boy is never attractive to strong independent people.

LegacyUser

Yeah, the bolded bit above is definitely not healthy, I'd drive myself insane!! I'm anxious enough as it is thinking about it.


I suppose ultimately I'd like to reboot the relationship on an improved footing. But i do realise and am acutely aware that to push on that too early would not be a good idea and would be counterproductive. And even then, it's only a possibility, no gaurantees.

She has the next week off from school (she's a teacher) so that should give her time to think and mull over things. By the end of that week it will be 2 weeks since our tearful goodbye. That might still be very early/feelings too raw? By that point I'll be well into my CBT and hopefully will have made some progress with my anxiety/procrastination issues. I'll also have ironed out a few issues at home that, tbh, were bugging me too.

I'd propose dropping her a whatsapp next weekend along the lines of:

"Hi XXXX. How are you? I hope you've been doing alright this past while. This is hard.
Just to let you know I've been to a few CBT sessions now, going well. Seems procrastination is just a manifestation of anxiety I got myself into about things, as is the "always going" thing- a distraction. Getting lots of homework: exercises & little projects!! Interesting stuff, and making progress. I'm learning loads and it is helping a lot.
I hope you got a nice rest on the week off! "

Virgil°

It sounds to me OP that shes making excuses rather than telling you the real truth.

What that truth is I don't know. She could have fallen out of love with you, gotten bored in the relationship, someone else turned her head etc..... There's no real way of knowing. She may not know fully herself, just feeling "something" is missing.
I just think that unless you were actively hiding her from your family and friends and letting her down horribly and consistently with your procrastination that her reasons sound like nonsense.

I would highly advise cutting contact. If she wants to continue she knows where to find you. I think contacting her is likely only going to confuse you further as its likely she won't want to/ be able to explain herself properly.

batmanrobin

silverbolt wrote: »

This you defientely should not do. Get a clear cut answer from her as to where you guys are going/gone.

Give her a couple of weeks to mull things over. And engage with her.

But if if she wants to work it out then this time you need to listen. And do bear in mind there are no guarantees. You have to ask yourself how much your willing to change

I dont think your a bad person but a mummies boy is never attractive to strong independent people.

She's told him where he stands. He stands nowhere. She doesn't want to continue with the relationship.

OP, You can twist yourself into knots and try to change everything about you to be the person you think she wants you to be, but I'd put good money on that not being enough. She just sounds done.

You have two choices: (1) cling to the hope that if you change you can get her back or (2) realise it's over and start the grieving and healing process. You can choose the first option, but several months down the line you'll find yourself at option 2, only it'll be much worse for you. Put yourself first here!

daisybelle2008

OP, you keep saying how you are being 'punished', this is not the case. She doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, you need to respect her decision and accept that. Trying to change yourself for someone else is a bad idea. You are not in limbo waiting for something to change. Just accept you are not together and move on. It can be a little disrespectful to not accept her decision, she is not doing it to punish you, she just doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. It's tough i know but you are hurting yourself by not accepting it.

Lavinia

I'm sorry OP but how old are you?
I will be direct and say you do sound a bit like "momma's boy" if you know what I mean.
You are angry with your gf as she didnt give you a chance? Well she gave you 1.5 years of chances how many more of her years would you waste before you'd really do something?
Btw you are doing it NOW when she said she had enough, to me it seems just as manipulation to get her back, not cause you really see your problem.
That is why you are already "dying" to tell her how "trying you are".

C'mon pull yourself together and be honest with yourself. What is Your Life? Where is Your ground?
Will you move from your parents anytime soon?
That would defo be helpful for you to start a life and make a family on your own but I do not see any of that in your posts.

And btw you really need to move away from a controlling mother, her excuses are ridiculous and you are all oh so agreeing and blind.

CaraMay

Op it's just not the relationship for her. I suspects she considers you good on paper and is clearly very fond of you but she's trying to change you. She's trying to change you so she's happier in the relationship but that's no good. You have to be yourself. Tbh I think she's going you a big favour

Ignatius in bloom

Why do you want to get back with her?

She did not sit you down to discuss the difficulties in your relationships and how you both can move forward or not. Instead she gave you what seems like veiled hints about things! You are going above and beyond what a normal person would do in that situation to make yourself more like she wants you to be without actually respecting you or your relationship or indeed your own families boundaries! she has a family that is different than yours obviously but she seems less capable of respecting your family boundaries and what they want or don't want. I wouldn't stay with a person wanted to mold me into their version of what they want! When you become that person more than likely they will either control you or get bored and dump you.

You procrastinate? So what! The majority of the people in the world do! And as for being a nice helpful person Jesus that's truly awful! She doesn't sound that great OP sorry and perhaps with time you might even see that!

You're young. Why not work on the things you want to work on and have the summer to think about what you want in life and what person you want to spend your life with! Let me tell you one thing some people love and accept us the way we are and those are the people we truly want in our lives.

Ignatius in bloom

Lavinia wrote: »

I'm sorry OP but how old are you?
I will be direct and say you do sound a bit like "momma's boy" if you know what I mean.
You are angry with your gf as she didnt give you a chance? Well she gave you 1.5 years of chances how many more of her years would you waste before you'd really do something?
Btw you are doing it NOW when she said she had enough, to me it seems just as manipulation to get her back, not cause you really see your problem.
That is why you are already "dying" to tell her how "trying you are".

C'mon pull yourself together and be honest with yourself. What is Your Life? Where is Your ground?
Will you move from your parents anytime soon?
That would defo be helpful for you to start a life and make a family on your own but I do not see any of that in your posts.

And btw you really need to move away from a controlling mother, her excuses are ridiculous and you are all oh so agreeing and blind.

what are you on about?

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the comments.

I appreciate your insights. I do want to giver her her space, not stress her out etc but I suppose I am selfish.

I feel I am going to text her in a few weeks once the dust has settled somewhat. If I don't I feel I'll always be left wondering "what if...".

I love her so much and it really hurts. I'm on the brink of tears every day, mornings are the worst and I can't sleep much.