My girlfriend goes crazy when drinking

Big Bag of Chips

One other thing is stop apologising to people on her behalf. She's not sorry. The people you apologise to know she's not sorry. It's awkward and embarrassing to have somebody apologise to you for another adult's actions. Especially when the actions are a frequent occurrence. People will start drifting away from her (and you). Nobody wants to be putting up with that on a night out.

I know you are trying to protect her and keep her safe, but you are enabling her. Everything you do is protecting her from the reality of how she is carrying on. I've been there. I enabled a problem drinker for 7 or 8 years. It's very difficult not to. Only when I stopped enabling him did something happen, (although it took a year!) He wasn't personally injured in any way, but something happened that made him cop on. Now he hasn't drank for 2 months and is in counselling.

Clampdown

Part of the problem is many people think that in order to have a drinking problem, you have to be a bum living under a bridge with a bottle in a paper bag. But problem drinking occurs in may different ways in all types of people.

For many of us, the buzz and 'loosening up' feeling you get is what keeps us drinking in the short and long term. However for some of us, the longer we go on we end up becoming a person that says and does totally inappropriate things that we would never do sober.

When it started happening to me, I was confused by it. I couldn't understand where this horrible side of me came from. Was it repressed anger or just the effects of alcoho?. All I know is it didn't happen any time I didn't drink alcohol, but it did happen sometimes when I did drink. Then I noticed that I almost never wanted to stop drinking after just one or two. When I drank I had to keep going, and would end up hammered. So these embarrassing 'episodes' became more common until I realized I had to stop or I would end up in a seriously bad way. For men, acting rudely or aggressively on a night out can easily land you in hospital or jail. But it can for a woman, too.

Unfortunately unless she wants to admit she has a problem and quit this isn't going to stop. And I mean 100% quit. You'll find with problem drinkers that when they have to control ( moderate) their drinking, they can't enjoy it. And when they enjoy their drinking, unfortunately, they can't control it.

GaaNuts100

intheclouds wrote: »

Having kids won't make her stop. It'll just mean there's now kids as an added complication.

Thanks all for your comments. My girlfriend knows where I stand. I told her our relationship can't survive one more of these events. I have never put it in such 'ultimatum' terms until now. We just had a great weekend but we weren't out which made all the difference. I will update ye on how things go, thanks again for your comments. Being a man it is difficult to discuss this with my own friends so I appreciate the input and am now happy in my own mind that this behaviour is absolutely unacceptable.

Big Bag of Chips

GaaNuts100 wrote: »

I told her our relationship can't survive one more of these events. I have never put it in such 'ultimatum' terms until now.

If you've made the ultimatum then you have to make sure your relationship doesn't survive one more of those nights. Because if it does, then she can just carry on safe in the knowledge that you'll always be there to pick up the pieces. It is going to happen again. You and she both know it's going to happen again. I suggest you start preparing yourself for that.

GaaNuts100

Yes I agree totally. It can't happen any more. I am trying to prepare myself for this eventuality.Thanks for your post.

GaaNuts100

Clampdown wrote: »

"Part of the problem is many people think that in order to have a drinking problem, you have to be a bum living under a bridge with a bottle in a paper bag. But problem drinking occurs in may different ways in all types of people.

For many of us, the buzz and 'loosening up' feeling you get is what keeps us drinking in the short and long term. However for some of us, the longer we go on we end up becoming a person that says and does totally inappropriate things that we would never do sober.

When it started happening to me, I was confused by it. I couldn't understand where this horrible side of me came from. Was it repressed anger or just the effects of alcoho?. All I know is it didn't happen any time I didn't drink alcohol, but it did happen sometimes when I did drink. Then I noticed that I almost never wanted to stop drinking after just one or two. When I drank I had to keep going, and would end up hammered. So these embarrassing 'episodes' became more common until I realized I had to stop or I would end up in a seriously bad way. For men, acting rudely or aggressively on a night out can easily land you in hospital or jail. But it can for a woman, too.

Unfortunately unless she wants to admit she has a problem and quit this isn't going to stop. And I mean 100% quit. You'll find with problem drinkers that when they have to control ( moderate) their drinking, they can't enjoy it. And when they enjoy their drinking, unfortunately, they can't control it"

Thanks for your post. You know I felt the exact same way until the last few years. That alcoholics were the people you see hanging outside a bar at 9am. It's more complex than that and now I can see it. It doesn't effect her work one bit as it's a weekend thing. To meet her you would never ever think she had a problem unless you met her on a sat night! But a drink problem is a drink problem, whatever the scale of it

GaaNuts100

DukeOfTheSharp wrote: »

Been there, done that OP. By any chance, does your GF's family have members who're alcoholics? That's usually where the warning signs start flashing. Basically OP, people with drink problems don't care what they do, who they hurt, or how much harm they cause, the dependence on drink is all that matters. You're being put in the middle (again, I know this feeling) and you're trying to show her it's not ok, but to no avail. You've two choices OP, stick it out with someone who might never accept they've a problem, or get out and try to find someone who isn't an addict, because even if she was to realise it was an issue and give up the drink, there's no guarantee she'd stay off of it. You can't help her towards this, and I echo the other posters when I say that only she can stop this cycle.

Add your reply here.

DukeOfTheSharp wrote: »

Been there, done that OP. By any chance, does your GF's family have members who're alcoholics? That's usually where the warning signs start flashing. Basically OP, people with drink problems don't care what they do, who they hurt, or how much harm they cause, the dependence on drink is all that matters. You're being put in the middle (again, I know this feeling) and you're trying to show her it's not ok, but to no avail. You've two choices OP, stick it out with someone who might never accept they've a problem, or get out and try to find someone who isn't an addict, because even if she was to realise it was an issue and give up the drink, there's no guarantee she'd stay off of it. You can't help her towards this, and I echo the other posters when I say that only she can stop this cycle.

Thanks Duke. There is no history of it in her family whatsoever. Both of her parents are tee totallers.which makes it all the more difficult to understand. There is no specific incident which sparked this. It's just that it drives her daft sometimes, she admitted this to me last night.

GaaNuts100

mhge wrote: »

GaaNuts100 wrote: »

I know. She is absolutely great with kids and part of me wants to think this would get her to stop.

No it wouldn't, the problem will not resolve itself without her committing to it... If you find it hard to explain it to your friends, imagine having to explain it to your scared and confused children every couple of days or weeks.

Add your reply here.

I agree. That's why I said part of me 'wants' to think this, but it is hiding from reality.

kravmaga

GaaNuts100 wrote: »

I have been going out with a girl for 3 years. She is great in so many ways. She is good looking , intelligent and has a good job. The problem is that when she goes drinking she turns into this lunatic who enters her own world and doesn't care who she offends or verbally abuses. It's getting to the point where I can't take it anymore. It's not like she drinks every day or anything but when she gets on the wine on the weekends she goes on a rampage and will drink til 9am if the supply is there. Even weekends we don't go out, she has to have a bottle of wine or two on a Friday and sat night. I have mentioned to her a few times that it has to stop but all that happens is she gets thick with me. On other occasions she has admitted she has an issue (only after drinking) but in general she completely ignores it. Even after nights out when I'm pissed off with her because she's made a show of herself,she simply will never apologise. It's getting to the point where it's mortifying me as whenever I am out with my friends I have to apologise to them the next day for something she did. Does anyone have a similar experience? I am thinking of contacting her best friend to get her to talk to her as whenever I try and bring it up she just does not want to talk about it.

She has a serious drink problem, maybe alcoholic, maybe ask her why is she drinking so heavily?

Tell her that its affecting your relationship with her, she needs help, AA meeting might be a good start

DukeOfTheSharp

GaaNuts100 wrote: »

Add your reply here.


Thanks Duke. There is no history of it in her family whatsoever. Both of her parents are tee totallers.which makes it all the more difficult to understand. There is no specific incident which sparked this. It's just that it drives her daft sometimes, she admitted this to me last night.

Well honestly, that's a real problem because she could have the genes for it and since her parents don't drink, there's a chance that they did that out of some form of prevention. 'Drives her mad' isn't a good term, especially if she's admitting to it OP, but there's a big differences between saying something and doing something. And that 'sometimes' may become more than 'some' if she keeps on this path. It's a difficult decision to make OP, but really, you can't trust her judgement. Maybe if she was to immediately get involved with AA, there'd be some hope, but the general consensus is that alcoholics rarely admit to having a problem and then genuinely pursue a solution unless they're really close to losing something that they desire more than drink. It really does suck OP, but I've seen this, I've dealt with it, and if it ever ends well, I've yet to hear of it. One thing I'd say is to stop trying to find a 'reason', you're her boyfriend, not her counselor, and as much as the impulse to help her may be there, you're doing more damage by trying to rationalise her, even if that's not what you're aiming to do.

I'm worried I'm coming off as judgmental here, I hope you know that I'm not judging at all, from experience, I know how hard it can be watching someone you love steadily disintegrate from who they were, and how they refuse to see sense. Just take care of yourself OP, these things have a habit of hurting the people closest to the alcoholic in ways you can't even imagine.

LegacyUser

GaaNuts100 wrote: »

Add your reply here.


Thanks Duke. There is no history of it in her family whatsoever. Both of her parents are tee totallers.which makes it all the more difficult to understand. There is no specific incident which sparked this. It's just that it drives her daft sometimes, she admitted this to me last night.

Obviously just anecdotal, but my ex BF mother was teetotal cos her father was an violent gambling alcoholic. People react that way sometimes, but the genes are still there (and I firmly believe a lot of it is genetic). His father's drinking was controlled by his mother, as in heavily monitored. But once or twice over the few years I knew the ex's dad, he got really drunk and said some really offensive things. I found out later, weirdly through friends of friends of my parents, that the ex's dad had a brother who was an alcoholic, died early 50s. My ex didn't drink for years when I was with him, neither did his bro. His sis however was another matter.

My story could all be coincidental, but the tee total thing now makes me wonder why, as in what's in the background. Probably wrong to say that to you based on one relationship in my past, but there you go.

ManOfMystery

batmanrobin wrote: »

I'll never understand why people think children will magically fix issues in relationships! Children are massively hard work!

Do not, and I am very serious when I say this, bring a child into the world with a woman who behaves like that. Any future child of yours is owed a hell of a lot more than a parent who sounds like she is an alcoholic and who refuses to change. Children are NOT fixit aids.

This x 1000.

My uncle married a woman who had issues with alcohol, and also thought children would magically fix the issue and turn her into a calm, teetotal loving mother. It's now 11 years later, and I'll not bore you with the details - but let's just say it's been 11 years of multiple breakups and make-ups, her taking the children to school drunk, social services involved, her falsely accusing him of violence though the police saw through it, and numerous other issues which have left the children somewhat damaged.

Children are wonderful, but bringing them up can be very stressful, tiring and simply hard work. For someone with a dependency on (or lack of self-control around) alcohol, it's like taking a match to a firecracker.

Alibaba

Sorry to hear about your partner.

Just thinking if she won't listen to you maybe you could get a member of her family to have a word with her. (Maybe someone she looks up to and is close to)

Explain to them in the quiet , that's if they don't know already and the strain its putting you under.

Sometimes people just might listen to one of their family.