My girlfriend goes crazy when drinking

GaaNuts100

I have been going out with a girl for 3 years. She is great in so many ways. She is good looking , intelligent and has a good job. The problem is that when she goes drinking she turns into this lunatic who enters her own world and doesn't care who she offends or verbally abuses. It's getting to the point where I can't take it anymore. It's not like she drinks every day or anything but when she gets on the wine on the weekends she goes on a rampage and will drink til 9am if the supply is there. Even weekends we don't go out, she has to have a bottle of wine or two on a Friday and sat night. I have mentioned to her a few times that it has to stop but all that happens is she gets thick with me. On other occasions she has admitted she has an issue (only after drinking) but in general she completely ignores it. Even after nights out when I'm pissed off with her because she's made a show of herself,she simply will never apologise. It's getting to the point where it's mortifying me as whenever I am out with my friends I have to apologise to them the next day for something she did. Does anyone have a similar experience? I am thinking of contacting her best friend to get her to talk to her as whenever I try and bring it up she just does not want to talk about it.

irishgirl19

I think you will have to spell it out to her how much this is affecting your relationship.
Drink doesn't suit some people

intheclouds

Refuse to be in her company if she drinks.

pollyfarmgal

irishgirl19 wrote: »

I think you will have to spell it out to her how much this is affecting your relationship.
Drink doesn't suit some people

I agree, drink really has negative effects on people but they are oblivious to this unfortunately! I think that if Ye have been going out for 3 years, you should be able to tell her how bad this is for you and for her. You should be able to go and socialise with people without her getting smashed and making a show of herself. If she can't take it then maybe talk to her friend.. It's better coming from you first

silverharp

its not something you should have to put up with and its a worrying trait in somebody when you add in the refusal to talk about it. she is binge drinking and any adult that is drinking at least 3 times the weekly recommended maximum has a high risk approach to alcohol. I dont know what age you are and whether you see this as a long term relationship going forward but either way the 2 options I see are breakup or give her the opportunity to change her habits over the next few months or else you will move on.

strandroad

It's not even about her embarrassing you, it's about the fact that she has this need to get drunk regularly, even on her own at home. That's a serious drinking problem right there, to put it mildly.

SusieBlue

I have a family member who does this and it's been going on for over 20 years.

No matter how many times we ask her to stop, she just isn't bothered and think we have the problem. She doesn't get embarrassed and when we tell her all the things she said and did the next day, she's indifferent and accuses us of being overdramatic. On one occasion, she fell asleep at a wedding at 5pm before the meal was even served she was so hammered. This woman is in her 50's now and it's so sad to see.

Unless she accepts and addresses the fact that she has a problem, nothing will change and I suggest you start thinking about ending the relationship. If anything, things will only escalate and get worse if things continue as they are. Getting annoyed is getting you nowhere and seeing as it doesn't stop her from continuing to drink, you need to really show her that you won't tolerate this unless she gets help.

Hope you can work it out OP, such a tough situation! Best of luck.

Big Bag of Chips

Your gf has a drink problem. You can see. People close to you can see it. She knows it herself, which is why she gets defensive about it, but doesn't want to face up to it yet. There is nothing you can do about her until she decides for herself that it is getting out of hand. Losing you won't be enough of a threat. Losing friends etc won't bother her. She may never face up to it. I know a 65 year old woman who has drank heavily for over 25 years. She knows she's an alcoholic. Has admitted it to her immediate family, but has no interest in changing or talking about it.

You need to look after yourself. Maybe going along to an Al-Anon meeting would help. It's a support group for people living with an alcoholic in their lives.

LegacyUser

She might think you're over-exaggerating
videotape her drunken antics next time around on your phone,& show them to her when she's sober

Tigger99

But why should it take a video of her behaviour. His concern should be enough. A video may make a difference but how messed up a relationship is that when a partner doesn't take their boyfriends worries on board and needs video evidence to do so.

Time and time again she's chosen alcohol over you OP. She's still drinking despite being abusive to others on many occasions. She has a problem with alcohol that she blatantly doesn't want to address and really doesn't give a flying fcuk who it hurts/embarrasses. You can't change her drinking if she doesn't want to.

I'd also strongly suggest al-anon, it's a fantastic organisation.

Either way you deserve a hell of a lot more than this jeykll and hyde character that I'd imagine you are on eggshells around when she is drunk.

SusieBlue

Tigger99 wrote: »

But why should it take a video of her behaviour. His concern should be enough. A video may make a difference but how messed up a relationship is that when a partner doesn't take their boyfriends worries on board and needs video evidence to do so.

Time and time again she's chosen alcohol over you OP. She's still drinking despite being abusive to others on many occasions. She has a problem with alcohol that she blatantly doesn't want to address and really doesn't give a flying fcuk who it hurts/embarrasses. You can't change her drinking if she doesn't want to.

I'd also strongly suggest al-anon, it's a fantastic organisation.

Either way you deserve a hell of a lot more than this jeykll and hyde character that I'd imagine you are on eggshells around when she is drunk.

I completely agree with you, but when someone has a serious alcoholism issue, it's not as simple as that. Of course someone should take their partners word for something like this without having to video them, but denial is part of the problem. Only when they accept they have an issue themselves will they be able to change their behaviour.

In my experience, the family members husband and children, as well as her sisters were begging her to stop but she doesn't and didn't see an issue with her behaviour. She's a very ill woman and she doesn't even realise the depths of it.

topmanamillion

Drink just doesn't suit some people and your GF sounds like one of these people.

I know a publican who used to drink the place dry.
One night he had a particularly bad reaction to drink and went on a bit of a rampage in the pub and doing a lot of inappropriate stuff with customers.
The next morning he remembered nothing and was all set for more drink that night.
That was until he checked the CCTV and saw exactly what he'd done.
He's been a tee totaler since.
You could record your GF in her worst moments.
Then the next day tell her you did it and your reasoning for doing it. Tell her you'll delete it after she listens to it.
It could be the wake up call she needs.
If she fails to change I would think move on.

My grandfather was an alcoholic, back in the days when drink wasn't as available as now, or people didn't treat it the same as they do now. He passed hid habit into at least 3 of his kids, maybe more.
Anyway, when he was an old man ( and I remember this) one if his sons taped him, on an old cassette player thing!

He heard it the next day, never drank since!
He didn't even see a video, just heard a tape.

I'd video her if it was me, & let her see exactly what she does. We are all great at ' forgetting' what we did when drunk. Conveniently

The Bishop Basher

You will not ever change her, her drinking or her behaviour no matter how well meaning or well-intentioned you are.

She will only see the issue when she's ready to see it and that could be tomorrow or it could be never.

Start from that point and you start making the correct decisions for yourself and your future as right now, that's the only thing you have any control over.

Al anon will help you see this and hopefully then you can make an informed decision as to whether the relationship is worth keeping or not.

Good luck...

KikiDee

Hey OP,

I agree with the majority of posters here. It sounds like she has a problem with drink. Her reluctance to talk about it means she hasn't accepted this yet or doesn't see it as a problem so you're not going to able to help her at the moment. She needs to realise what's happening.

+2 (or 3 at this stage?) to Al-Anon. If anything, you'll meet people in similar situations.

Xterminator

Hi OP

you cannot change your partner. Only she can.
As long as she is denying there is an issue, she cannot address her issues.

my advice to you is to decide if this relationship is for you ?

If you love this girl and are happy to put up with & pick up the pieces after her nights out then maybe you can help her realise how bad the issue is, and help her address them. but you must at least consider she may never want to face this. And if you stay you are at least partly enabling her behavior.

If you are not so attached; run for the hills.

X

GaaNuts100

Hi all. I am new to boards so didn't realise there were any replies as I thought you get email notifications. Sorry for the late response. So I had a chat with her during the week on the phone (as I was away with work). It was basically a one way conversation unfortunately. She just said that nothing has changed since the last times I have brought it up with her and that she wasn't going to change. Not that she doesn't want to, but she 'cant'. The biggest problem for me is the silence about it and the unwillingness to apologise even though she knows I'm heart broken over it. Looking back on my first post, I probably egaggerated how often this happens and how many times I have to apologise to people. I guess it was because I was so upset at the time of writing. We can go out and have great nights but we'll say one in 3 nights turns into a rampage and it's a case of 'out of my way, I'm gonna have my own Craic and don't care what anyone thinks an out it'. Weve all been on nights out and got plastered and cringe the next day if we know we've posed people off. The worst thing of all for me is the unwillingness to acknowledge this. What's extremely difficult is that I have been seeing it as long term (3 years tells it's own story) and my time with her when we are not drinking is great (it's also great some of the times we are drinking). Part of me wants to say it's a small part of our week together and the rest is great but it's not right is it?😯

CaraMay

So she can't stop? What happens if ye have kids or she gets pregnant?

GaaNuts100

For those asking were early 30s

GaaNuts100

CaraMay wrote: »

So she can't stop? What happens if ye have kids or she gets pregnant?

I know. She is absolutely great with kids and part of me wants to think this would get her to stop. I know from someone's perspective looking in it is hard to understand but when you are so in love with the person it's so so hard. My head is addled.

Augme

1 in 3 seems like a really high amount to me. Realistically it's not really a small part of the week. The following day you feel down, you need to apologise to your friends etc and this feeling down probably drags into another day, even more before you're over it and back to yourself. As time goes on your frustration with this issue will just keep lasting longer and soon(probably even now) it actually takes up a large part of your week and your thoughts. Even in the day or two before nights out you must be feeling apprehensive about them. For your own happiness and sanity I can't see how you can continue the relationship when she won't change. The other option is for you to ignore her drinking and not let it bother you but that's probably not even possible.

jimd2

If she is not prepared to acknowledge it and deal with it then she would not be someone I would settle with in the longer term. Too many risks and also the possibility that it will escalate when various issues and pressures come your (collective) way in the future.

Turtle_

Reading your post, my first reaction was that your girlfriend is an alcoholic.

A family member of mine was an alcoholic, he stopped drinking because he realised he didn't like the person he became when he drank. Not because of any other effects, or any impact on anyone else, but because he didn't like the person he turned into when he drank.

Your girlfriend won't change until she dislikes the person she turns into when she drinks. It's that simple.

You can try and open her eyes to how awful she becomes when drinking, maybe video her. But you have to ask her if she actually likes the person she becomes when drinking. If she does, nothing you can do.

Big Bag of Chips

Your relationship doesn't have to end. But you now have to make a decision. She has told you exactly where she stands on the issue. Nothing has changed, she "can't" change (has she ever actually tried?) so therefore nothing is going to change.

Now it's up to you to decide to you put up with it and never mention it again (because it's not going to get you anywhere) or do you decide you have had enough.

She's not going to change. She's told you that. So now the decision is yours.

intheclouds

Having kids won't make her stop. It'll just mean there's now kids as an added complication.

zoobizoo

She says she "can't" change but you can substitute the word "won't" for that

In the short term, decide either not to drink in her company

Ursus Horribilis

intheclouds wrote: »

Having kids won't make her stop. It'll just mean there's now kids as an added complication.

No matter how much you love this woman, you need to think very very carefully before you choose to bring children into this relationship. I noticed that you're already starting to backtrack on what you posted originally. It doesn't matter if it's 1 in 3 times that this problem arises or 3 out of 3. It's far too many times and it is a problem. I don't think you have any clue what damage having a parent like that will do to children. Your girlfriend has a very real problem with drink and has absolutely no interest in changing. Maybe videoing her in action might shock her into doing something about it but I'd not hold my breath.

strandroad

GaaNuts100 wrote: »

I know. She is absolutely great with kids and part of me wants to think this would get her to stop.

No it wouldn't, the problem will not resolve itself without her committing to it... If you find it hard to explain it to your friends, imagine having to explain it to your scared and confused children every couple of days or weeks.

CaraMay

GaaNuts100 wrote: »

I know. She is absolutely great with kids and part of me wants to think this would get her to stop.

Cos there are no alcoholic mothers or kids born with fetal alcohol syndrome? It won't make her stop - it will just f up some innocent kids lives. She's not interested in changing full stop

batmanrobin

I'll never understand why people think children will magically fix issues in relationships! Children are massively hard work!

Do not, and I am very serious when I say this, bring a child into the world with a woman who behaves like that. Any future child of yours is owed a hell of a lot more than a parent who sounds like she is an alcoholic and who refuses to change. Children are NOT fixit aids.

DukeOfTheSharp

Been there, done that OP. By any chance, does your GF's family have members who're alcoholics? That's usually where the warning signs start flashing. Basically OP, people with drink problems don't care what they do, who they hurt, or how much harm they cause, the dependence on drink is all that matters. You're being put in the middle (again, I know this feeling) and you're trying to show her it's not ok, but to no avail. You've two choices OP, stick it out with someone who might never accept they've a problem, or get out and try to find someone who isn't an addict, because even if she was to realise it was an issue and give up the drink, there's no guarantee she'd stay off of it. You can't help her towards this, and I echo the other posters when I say that only she can stop this cycle.

Big Bag of Chips

One other thing is stop apologising to people on her behalf. She's not sorry. The people you apologise to know she's not sorry. It's awkward and embarrassing to have somebody apologise to you for another adult's actions. Especially when the actions are a frequent occurrence. People will start drifting away from her (and you). Nobody wants to be putting up with that on a night out.

I know you are trying to protect her and keep her safe, but you are enabling her. Everything you do is protecting her from the reality of how she is carrying on. I've been there. I enabled a problem drinker for 7 or 8 years. It's very difficult not to. Only when I stopped enabling him did something happen, (although it took a year!) He wasn't personally injured in any way, but something happened that made him cop on. Now he hasn't drank for 2 months and is in counselling.

Clampdown

Part of the problem is many people think that in order to have a drinking problem, you have to be a bum living under a bridge with a bottle in a paper bag. But problem drinking occurs in may different ways in all types of people.

For many of us, the buzz and 'loosening up' feeling you get is what keeps us drinking in the short and long term. However for some of us, the longer we go on we end up becoming a person that says and does totally inappropriate things that we would never do sober.

When it started happening to me, I was confused by it. I couldn't understand where this horrible side of me came from. Was it repressed anger or just the effects of alcoho?. All I know is it didn't happen any time I didn't drink alcohol, but it did happen sometimes when I did drink. Then I noticed that I almost never wanted to stop drinking after just one or two. When I drank I had to keep going, and would end up hammered. So these embarrassing 'episodes' became more common until I realized I had to stop or I would end up in a seriously bad way. For men, acting rudely or aggressively on a night out can easily land you in hospital or jail. But it can for a woman, too.

Unfortunately unless she wants to admit she has a problem and quit this isn't going to stop. And I mean 100% quit. You'll find with problem drinkers that when they have to control ( moderate) their drinking, they can't enjoy it. And when they enjoy their drinking, unfortunately, they can't control it.

GaaNuts100

intheclouds wrote: »

Having kids won't make her stop. It'll just mean there's now kids as an added complication.

Thanks all for your comments. My girlfriend knows where I stand. I told her our relationship can't survive one more of these events. I have never put it in such 'ultimatum' terms until now. We just had a great weekend but we weren't out which made all the difference. I will update ye on how things go, thanks again for your comments. Being a man it is difficult to discuss this with my own friends so I appreciate the input and am now happy in my own mind that this behaviour is absolutely unacceptable.

Big Bag of Chips

GaaNuts100 wrote: »

I told her our relationship can't survive one more of these events. I have never put it in such 'ultimatum' terms until now.

If you've made the ultimatum then you have to make sure your relationship doesn't survive one more of those nights. Because if it does, then she can just carry on safe in the knowledge that you'll always be there to pick up the pieces. It is going to happen again. You and she both know it's going to happen again. I suggest you start preparing yourself for that.

GaaNuts100

Yes I agree totally. It can't happen any more. I am trying to prepare myself for this eventuality.Thanks for your post.

GaaNuts100

Clampdown wrote: »

"Part of the problem is many people think that in order to have a drinking problem, you have to be a bum living under a bridge with a bottle in a paper bag. But problem drinking occurs in may different ways in all types of people.

For many of us, the buzz and 'loosening up' feeling you get is what keeps us drinking in the short and long term. However for some of us, the longer we go on we end up becoming a person that says and does totally inappropriate things that we would never do sober.

When it started happening to me, I was confused by it. I couldn't understand where this horrible side of me came from. Was it repressed anger or just the effects of alcoho?. All I know is it didn't happen any time I didn't drink alcohol, but it did happen sometimes when I did drink. Then I noticed that I almost never wanted to stop drinking after just one or two. When I drank I had to keep going, and would end up hammered. So these embarrassing 'episodes' became more common until I realized I had to stop or I would end up in a seriously bad way. For men, acting rudely or aggressively on a night out can easily land you in hospital or jail. But it can for a woman, too.

Unfortunately unless she wants to admit she has a problem and quit this isn't going to stop. And I mean 100% quit. You'll find with problem drinkers that when they have to control ( moderate) their drinking, they can't enjoy it. And when they enjoy their drinking, unfortunately, they can't control it"

Thanks for your post. You know I felt the exact same way until the last few years. That alcoholics were the people you see hanging outside a bar at 9am. It's more complex than that and now I can see it. It doesn't effect her work one bit as it's a weekend thing. To meet her you would never ever think she had a problem unless you met her on a sat night! But a drink problem is a drink problem, whatever the scale of it

GaaNuts100

DukeOfTheSharp wrote: »

Been there, done that OP. By any chance, does your GF's family have members who're alcoholics? That's usually where the warning signs start flashing. Basically OP, people with drink problems don't care what they do, who they hurt, or how much harm they cause, the dependence on drink is all that matters. You're being put in the middle (again, I know this feeling) and you're trying to show her it's not ok, but to no avail. You've two choices OP, stick it out with someone who might never accept they've a problem, or get out and try to find someone who isn't an addict, because even if she was to realise it was an issue and give up the drink, there's no guarantee she'd stay off of it. You can't help her towards this, and I echo the other posters when I say that only she can stop this cycle.

Add your reply here.

DukeOfTheSharp wrote: »

Been there, done that OP. By any chance, does your GF's family have members who're alcoholics? That's usually where the warning signs start flashing. Basically OP, people with drink problems don't care what they do, who they hurt, or how much harm they cause, the dependence on drink is all that matters. You're being put in the middle (again, I know this feeling) and you're trying to show her it's not ok, but to no avail. You've two choices OP, stick it out with someone who might never accept they've a problem, or get out and try to find someone who isn't an addict, because even if she was to realise it was an issue and give up the drink, there's no guarantee she'd stay off of it. You can't help her towards this, and I echo the other posters when I say that only she can stop this cycle.

Thanks Duke. There is no history of it in her family whatsoever. Both of her parents are tee totallers.which makes it all the more difficult to understand. There is no specific incident which sparked this. It's just that it drives her daft sometimes, she admitted this to me last night.

GaaNuts100

mhge wrote: »

GaaNuts100 wrote: »

I know. She is absolutely great with kids and part of me wants to think this would get her to stop.

No it wouldn't, the problem will not resolve itself without her committing to it... If you find it hard to explain it to your friends, imagine having to explain it to your scared and confused children every couple of days or weeks.

Add your reply here.

I agree. That's why I said part of me 'wants' to think this, but it is hiding from reality.

kravmaga

GaaNuts100 wrote: »

I have been going out with a girl for 3 years. She is great in so many ways. She is good looking , intelligent and has a good job. The problem is that when she goes drinking she turns into this lunatic who enters her own world and doesn't care who she offends or verbally abuses. It's getting to the point where I can't take it anymore. It's not like she drinks every day or anything but when she gets on the wine on the weekends she goes on a rampage and will drink til 9am if the supply is there. Even weekends we don't go out, she has to have a bottle of wine or two on a Friday and sat night. I have mentioned to her a few times that it has to stop but all that happens is she gets thick with me. On other occasions she has admitted she has an issue (only after drinking) but in general she completely ignores it. Even after nights out when I'm pissed off with her because she's made a show of herself,she simply will never apologise. It's getting to the point where it's mortifying me as whenever I am out with my friends I have to apologise to them the next day for something she did. Does anyone have a similar experience? I am thinking of contacting her best friend to get her to talk to her as whenever I try and bring it up she just does not want to talk about it.

She has a serious drink problem, maybe alcoholic, maybe ask her why is she drinking so heavily?

Tell her that its affecting your relationship with her, she needs help, AA meeting might be a good start

DukeOfTheSharp

GaaNuts100 wrote: »

Add your reply here.


Thanks Duke. There is no history of it in her family whatsoever. Both of her parents are tee totallers.which makes it all the more difficult to understand. There is no specific incident which sparked this. It's just that it drives her daft sometimes, she admitted this to me last night.

Well honestly, that's a real problem because she could have the genes for it and since her parents don't drink, there's a chance that they did that out of some form of prevention. 'Drives her mad' isn't a good term, especially if she's admitting to it OP, but there's a big differences between saying something and doing something. And that 'sometimes' may become more than 'some' if she keeps on this path. It's a difficult decision to make OP, but really, you can't trust her judgement. Maybe if she was to immediately get involved with AA, there'd be some hope, but the general consensus is that alcoholics rarely admit to having a problem and then genuinely pursue a solution unless they're really close to losing something that they desire more than drink. It really does suck OP, but I've seen this, I've dealt with it, and if it ever ends well, I've yet to hear of it. One thing I'd say is to stop trying to find a 'reason', you're her boyfriend, not her counselor, and as much as the impulse to help her may be there, you're doing more damage by trying to rationalise her, even if that's not what you're aiming to do.

I'm worried I'm coming off as judgmental here, I hope you know that I'm not judging at all, from experience, I know how hard it can be watching someone you love steadily disintegrate from who they were, and how they refuse to see sense. Just take care of yourself OP, these things have a habit of hurting the people closest to the alcoholic in ways you can't even imagine.

LegacyUser

GaaNuts100 wrote: »

Add your reply here.


Thanks Duke. There is no history of it in her family whatsoever. Both of her parents are tee totallers.which makes it all the more difficult to understand. There is no specific incident which sparked this. It's just that it drives her daft sometimes, she admitted this to me last night.

Obviously just anecdotal, but my ex BF mother was teetotal cos her father was an violent gambling alcoholic. People react that way sometimes, but the genes are still there (and I firmly believe a lot of it is genetic). His father's drinking was controlled by his mother, as in heavily monitored. But once or twice over the few years I knew the ex's dad, he got really drunk and said some really offensive things. I found out later, weirdly through friends of friends of my parents, that the ex's dad had a brother who was an alcoholic, died early 50s. My ex didn't drink for years when I was with him, neither did his bro. His sis however was another matter.

My story could all be coincidental, but the tee total thing now makes me wonder why, as in what's in the background. Probably wrong to say that to you based on one relationship in my past, but there you go.

ManOfMystery

batmanrobin wrote: »

I'll never understand why people think children will magically fix issues in relationships! Children are massively hard work!

Do not, and I am very serious when I say this, bring a child into the world with a woman who behaves like that. Any future child of yours is owed a hell of a lot more than a parent who sounds like she is an alcoholic and who refuses to change. Children are NOT fixit aids.

This x 1000.

My uncle married a woman who had issues with alcohol, and also thought children would magically fix the issue and turn her into a calm, teetotal loving mother. It's now 11 years later, and I'll not bore you with the details - but let's just say it's been 11 years of multiple breakups and make-ups, her taking the children to school drunk, social services involved, her falsely accusing him of violence though the police saw through it, and numerous other issues which have left the children somewhat damaged.

Children are wonderful, but bringing them up can be very stressful, tiring and simply hard work. For someone with a dependency on (or lack of self-control around) alcohol, it's like taking a match to a firecracker.

Alibaba

Sorry to hear about your partner.

Just thinking if she won't listen to you maybe you could get a member of her family to have a word with her. (Maybe someone she looks up to and is close to)

Explain to them in the quiet , that's if they don't know already and the strain its putting you under.

Sometimes people just might listen to one of their family.