Multiple Engagements + Same Family = Problem?

SarahMollie

So I met some friends for lunch at the weekend and one of my good friends said that she knew that her BF's sisters BF (stick with me!) was going to propose in the coming weeks. (This is fairly common knowledge to everyone but the sister as her BF wants to have a party with both families the night of the engagement (assuming she says yes!) so everyone has been told to keep the evening free

Anyway, then another one of our group said something to the effect of "well thats you on the shelf for the next year to 18months!", as to her, you can't both get engaged at the same time as a sibling.

I can see why ideally the weddings/engagements would be one at a time, but sometimes if siblings are close in age, then these things happen? Once you don't plan the actual weddings to be too close together, then is there really an issue? But apparently this is a widespread convention?

My friend is now a bit paranoid that her relationship now can't move forward until his sister gets married, which could be ages! My friend and her BF are both early 30s and have been together about 2.5 years, so i can see why she wouldnt be too keen at the prospect of hanging around for an arbitrary amount of time just because of other peoples relationships.

Thoughts?

littelady

Never heard such nonsense. Shouldn't her sister be happy for her and it's something that might bring them closer. People put so much false energy into weddings whilst the only important thing is the " I do's"

messy tessy

SarahMollie wrote: »

So I met some friends for lunch at the weekend and one of my good friends said that she knew that her BF's sisters BF (stick with me!) was going to propose in the coming weeks. (This is fairly common knowledge to everyone but the sister as her BF wants to have a party with both families the night of the engagement (assuming she says yes!) so everyone has been told to keep the evening free

Anyway, then another one of our group said something to the effect of "well thats you on the shelf for the next year to 18months!", as to her, you can't both get engaged at the same time as a sibling.

I can see why ideally the weddings/engagements would be one at a time, but sometimes if siblings are close in age, then these things happen? Once you don't plan the actual weddings to be too close together, then is there really an issue? But apparently this is a widespread convention?

My friend is now a bit paranoid that her relationship now can't move forward until his sister gets married, which could be ages! My friend and her BF are both early 30s and have been together about 2.5 years, so i can see why she wouldnt be too keen at the prospect of hanging around for an arbitrary amount of time just because of other peoples relationships.

Thoughts?

I have never heard of this, two of my sisters got married within the space of three months of each other and there certainly wasn't any issues over it. Every family are different of course, but I personally couldn't see a problem with this.

RedXIV

I agree that it SHOULDN'T affect people but it does appear to be a bit of an Irish thing that you don't steal someone's thunder. I.E. while I was planning to pop the question, my best friend beat me to it, admittedly a few months in advance. One of the feelings I had on the day was "thank god there is a bit of time between his proposal and mine" as it gave them a chance to be in the spotlight a bit.

The other thing is if there are two engagements close together it's reasonable to assume the two weddings will be too and just from a financial standpoint, that can be hard to keep up with.

In a nutshell, I agree that you shouldn't be affected by it, but I've seen the above from first hand experience and to be honest, if someone close to me proposed the same week as I was planning to, if at all possible, i'd try to delay it by a few weeks at least

SarahMollie

For what its worth, I totally agree with you Littlelady!

But apparently, it can be seen as "stealing the other couples thunder"!

I think my friends real problem is that she doesnt know what her BF thinks about this so called "convention"... so she's worried he might not now propose for ages

hardCopy

Why wait though?

My younger sister got married three months after me (engaged two months after), it didn't cause us any grief. The only slight issue was that some overseas relatives couldn't manage both weddings but we all completely understood and expected that. I'm a bloke so maybe it's different with sisters?

Also, my sister's best friend got engaged about 10 days after her and married a few weeks after. Both were bridesmaids for each other and again, it didn't seem to cross anyone's minds that it would cause any issues (apart from a slight race to be the first to name a date in case of a clash).

Miss Merry Berry

My partner and I got engaged on the 17th of December last year. It was such a special time for us. My partner's sister has been with her partner for 10 years and they go engaged a week after us! Everyone reckons it's because the sister's partner felt the pressure of us getting engaged. We had been saying the minute we got engaged that we were planning a summer 2017 wedding, we could have got married this year but my sister is getting married this summer and I wanted her to enjoy her time and didn't want to put my family under extra financial pressure. My partner's sister proceeded to plan a July 2017 wedding and is getting married two weeks after us. She just went ahead and booked her venue and date without consulting us. I just think the way she went about it is all wrong. I think if someone in my family or close friend got engaged, I would prefer to let them enjoy their special time and not have to share the limelight as such. Even wait a few months. Just my opinion but some people obviously don't see it that way!

SarahMollie

Miss Merry Berry wrote: »

My partner and I got engaged on the 17th of December last year. It was such a special time for us. My partner's sister has been with her partner for 10 years and they go engaged a week after us! Everyone reckons it's because the sister's partner felt the pressure of us getting engaged. We had been saying the minute we got engaged that we were planning a summer 2017 wedding, we could have got married this year but my sister is getting married this summer and I wanted her to enjoy her time and didn't want to put my family under extra financial pressure. My partner's sister proceeded to plan a July 2017 wedding and is getting married two weeks after us. She just went ahead and booked her venue and date without consulting us. I just think the way she went about it is all wrong. I think if someone in my family or close friend got engaged, I would prefer to let them enjoy their special time and not have to share the limelight as such. Even wait a few months. Just my opinion but some people obviously don't see it that way!

Just to clarify, you've no issue with engagements overlapping - rather that the proposals and weddings are both within a short window of each other?

eviltwin

I think the whole limelight thing is very childish.

Miss Merry Berry

SarahMollie wrote: »

Just to clarify, you've no issue with engagements overlapping - rather that the proposals and weddings are both within a short window of each other?

My issue is that they go engaged a week after us even though they were together for over 10 years. Then they decided to plan their wedding for July 2017 which is the month we wanted to get married and stated this as soon as we got engaged (before them). They booked their date more or less straight away. Anyway, we have very different weddings and I don't dare ask her about her weddings plans as I'm always met with a frosty reception. I just found the whole situation a bit immature to be honest.

SarahMollie

eviltwin wrote: »

I think the whole limelight thing is very childish.

^+1 to this.

I'm at the age where there are weddings and engagements everywhere I look. Some people are still behaving like nice, rational human beings but not all! :eek:

Some people severely over estimate the importance of "their special day" to the world at large.

_Whimsical_

eviltwin wrote: »

I think the whole limelight thing is very childish.

I wonder if it's "limelight" or much more practical and actually about the finance aspect for guests and the present fund from relations and mutual friends. Two weddings in close succession for relations could well mean they'll be feeling they have to buy two new outfits and then scrimp more on gifts.

Miss Merry Berry

eviltwin wrote: »

I think the whole limelight thing is very childish.

But getting engaged so close to a close friend or family member is a bit selfish too. You have all the time in the world so let them enjoy it.

eviltwin

_Whimsical_ wrote: »

I wonder if it's "limelight" or much more practical and actually about the finance aspect for guests and the present fund from relations and mutual friends. Two weddings in close succession for relations could well mean they'll be feeling they have to buy two new outfits and then scrimp more on gifts.

That's totally different and understandable, but I'm talking about the kinds of people who don't want to share the attention or excitement with another couple.

eviltwin

Miss Merry Berry wrote: »

But getting engaged so close to a close friend or family member is a bit selfish too. You have all the time in the world so let them enjoy it.

Life is too short. I wouldn't want anyone feeling they have to put their lives on hold over my plans, that would be selfish.

SarahMollie

_Whimsical_ wrote: »

I wonder if it's "limelight" or much more practical and actually about the finance aspect for guests and the present fund from relations and mutual friends. Two weddings in close succession for relations could well mean they'll be feeling they have to buy two new outfits and then scrimp more on gifts.

Yeah the person who made the "left on the shelf" comment did say this by means of justification.

However in this day and age, I don't think the family would be called on for a contribution or anything. Yes, people spend on attending weddings, but would it not be fine for both couples to be engaged at the same time, once the original fuss has died down over the 1st engagement? Like maybe in 6 months or something?

I agree that it would be silly for the actual weddings to be close, but surely the 2nd couple could just bear that in mind when setting their date?

Miss Merry Berry

_Whimsical_ wrote: »

I wonder if it's "limelight" or much more practical and actually about the finance aspect for guests and the present fund from relations and mutual friends. Two weddings in close succession for relations could well mean they'll be feeling they have to buy two new outfits and then scrimp more on gifts.

This too, like I said my sister is married this year and I have two siblings in Australia who can only get home for 3 weeks per year if they can afford it. Even if I wanted to get married this year, I wouldn't put my siblings under that financial pressure two times in the same year, not to mention making them use up all their holiday time on traveling home.

SarahMollie

eviltwin wrote: »

Life is too short. I wouldn't want anyone feeling they have to put their lives on hold over my plans, that would be selfish.

I tend to agree with this. Obviously I think MMBs situation is extreme, but for example if the other proposal had been a few months later rather than a few weeks, it might not have been such an issue.

NyOmnishambles

SarahMollie wrote: »

I think my friends real problem is that she doesnt know what her BF thinks about this so called "convention"... so she's worried he might not now propose for ages

I would suggest her BF probably has no clue about such a convention or any other wedding related conventions (I was oblivious to lots of stuff before getting engaged and married)

So she probably has nothing to worry about on that front, if it his intention to ask at some stage he probably will without considering the convention implications

Miss Merry Berry

eviltwin wrote: »

Life is too short. I wouldn't want anyone feeling they have to put their lives on hold over my plans, that would be selfish.

Each to their own but that is not how I treat my family or friends. I'd like to think I'd be a bit more considerate of their feelings. Like I said, let them enjoy their special time. Give them a couple of month leeway to enjoy the high of getting engaged at least.

eviltwin

SarahMollie wrote: »

I tend to agree with this. Obviously I think MMBs situation is extreme, but for example if the other proposal had been a few months later rather than a few weeks, it might not have been such an issue.

I wouldn't ruin anyone's special day but the idea that they need the attention for the duration of their engagement in case it offends them is ridiculous.

SarahMollie

NyOmnishambles wrote: »

I would suggest her BF probably has no clue about such a convention or any other wedding related conventions (I was oblivious to lots of stuff before getting engaged and married)

So she probably has nothing to worry about on that front, if it his intention to ask at some stage he probably will without considering the convention implications

Yeah I hope not! I could just tell the comment got into her head, and then we chatted a bit about it on the way home when it was just the two of us.

It just goes to show how a flippant comment can get to people if it touches just the right nerve!

eviltwin

Miss Merry Berry wrote: »

Each to their own but that is not how I treat my family or friends. I'd like to think I'd be a bit more considerate of their feelings. Like I said, let them enjoy their special time. Give them a couple of month leeway to enjoy the high of getting engaged at least.

We will have to agree to disagree on this one. I don't see how someone being engaged at the same time as me is meant to make my engagement less special. I would be happy for them.

Dial Hard

_Whimsical_ wrote:

I wonder if it's "limelight" or much more practical and actually about the finance aspect for guests and the present fund from relations and mutual friends. Two weddings in close succession for relations could well mean they'll be feeling they have to buy two new outfits and then scrimp more on gifts.

My friend choreographed first dances for two couples where the grooms were brothers and they were having a joint wedding.

I thought it was a brilliant idea. The couples share the costs of a very expensive day and it saves their guests a hell of a lot of expense too. Plus, it'd be one hell of a party!

dori_dormer

My sister got engaged autumn last year. Her fiancés best friend had been engaged for a few months at that stage. But made no definite plans. My sister and her fella wanted to book a venue asap. They politely mentioned the places they were viewing over xmas etc to the other couple. Every single place was on their ' top 10 venues' and therefore 'baggsed' and my sister wasn't allowed view them without a falling out.
My sis and her fella found a place the other couple had never heard of, viewed , and booked their date. It was the only way to do it without a row. Since then the other couple have booked their place ( not on the top 10 list) for a few months before my sister. The few months spacing gives their mutual friends a bit of a financial breather.

The stress of venues and dates tho! There's a certain amount of politeness and buffer needed but some people take it too far or abuse it for control.

SarahMollie

dori_dormer wrote: »

My sister got engaged autumn last year. Her fiancés best friend had been engaged for a few months at that stage. But made no definite plans. My sister and her fella wanted to book a venue asap. They politely mentioned the places they were viewing over xmas etc to the other couple. Every single place was on their ' top 10 venues' and therefore 'baggsed' and my sister wasn't allowed view them without a falling out.
My sis and her fella found a place the other couple had never heard of, viewed , and booked their date. It was the only way to do it without a row. Since then the other couple have booked their place ( not on the top 10 list) for a few months before my sister. The few months spacing gives their mutual friends a bit of a financial breather.

The stress of venues and dates tho! There's a certain amount of politeness and buffer needed but some people take it too far or abuse it for control.

Wow, that sounds highly annoying. Adults can't just go around "bagsying" things!

I wouldnt have much sympathy for the friends of your sister, because whatever about families, its pretty normal for a few out of a group of friends to be engaged, especially in a certain age range. That doesnt give whoever got engaged first a monopoly on all venues out there, especially if they initially were in no rush to book anything!

cmac2009

eviltwin wrote: »

I think the whole limelight thing is very childish.

I really don't think it is speaking from experience. It happened a year or so ago with a good friend, got engaged 4 days after me. The issue is not the you want the spotlight but the fact that when you meet with all your friends and family this is the focal point of the conversation. Before they even begin to congratulate you or ask about the engagement it's ' I can't believe he did that' etc etc. Which takes away from the excitement of the what has just happened. I think it depends on the type of person, I wouldn't do it to a good friend. Other's obviously have no problem with it.

Addle

Miss Merry Berry wrote: »

I wanted her to enjoy her time

What 'time' really though?
It's a wedding DAY.

_Whimsical_

cmac2009 wrote: »

I really don't think it is speaking from experience. It happened a year or so ago with a good friend, got engaged 4 days after me. The issue is not the you want the spotlight but the fact that when you meet with all your friends and family this is the focal point of the conversation. Before they even begin to congratulate you or ask about the engagement it's ' I can't believe he did that' etc etc. Which takes away from the excitement of the what has just happened. I think it depends on the type of person, I wouldn't do it to a good friend. Other's obviously have no problem with it.

I actually think it's very sad if adults making a monumental life decision factor the degree of adulation and attention they'll get into when to do it. I can understand taking the practicalities of having two weddings where most of the attendees will be the same into account but thinking everyone whooping around you and making you the focal pin of everything is your due is just a dismal perspective. An engagement is ultimately between two people, if the love and commitment of your partner isn't enough to have you delighted with life after an engagement something is a miss in my opinion.

The_Stranger

eviltwin wrote: »

Life is too short. I wouldn't want anyone feeling they have to put their lives on hold over my plans, that would be selfish.

Couldn't agree with you more.

My partner and I got engaged a week before Christmas last year. My sister got engaged a week later on Christmas day along with numerous other friends and cousins. (Must be something in the air!! Ha) I was genuinely very happy for them. I'll be getting married this summer and my sister is getting married at Christmas next year. Tbh I actually found it to be a great thing as we can discuss wedding plans and ideas without boring anyone else to death!

cmac2009

_Whimsical_ wrote: »

I actually think it's very sad if adults making a monumental life decision factor the degree of adulation and attention they'll get into when to do it. I can understand taking the practicalities of having two weddings where most of the attendees will be the same into account but thinking everyone whooping around you and making you the focal pin of everything is your due is just a dismal perspective. An engagement is ultimately between two people, if the love and commitment of your partner isn't enough to have you delighted with life after an engagement something is a miss in my opinion.

It's easy to write out all that on a message board, but when it happens you can't help but being affected. Getting engaged is a very special moment, one which we share with your friends and family. When someone gets engaged the same week as you it slightly knocks the shine off the occasion. Maybe it is selfish. But as I said if your the type of person to do that to a friend it says a lot about what you think of them.

nikkibikki

If everyone were to live by those rules, nobody would ever get married! My husband's oldest brother got engaged around 6months after us. They set their date 6weeks after our wedding. We actually had 2 weddings to attend in between ours and theirs. A busy time but happy for everyone getting married!

lazygal

cmac2009 wrote: »

It's easy to write out all that on a message board, but when it happens you can't help but being affected. Getting engaged is a very special moment, one which we share with your friends and family. When someone gets engaged the same week as you it slightly knocks the shine off the occasion. Maybe it is selfish. But as I said if your the type of person to do that to a friend it says a lot about what you think of them.

You don't "do" anything to a friend when you get engaged. Seriously.

PinkLemonade

If someone asks you to marry them, you can't really say no because Mary down the road just got engaged and would be offended, that's a ridiculous idea!

Probably a good idea to leave a few weeks if your planning on proposing encase anyone's easily offended

ChewChew

When I got engaged it was just before the Christmas and in the January we had a family meal to celebrate and that was it. As a bride to be I didn't want any kind of "limelight" attention and couldn't have cared less if anyone close to me had gotten engaged at the same time. In my opinion, my engagement was for me and my partner. Anyone who passed congratulations was thanked and the bling was shown but I was glad when the excitement had worn off!

Oswin

Can't believe some of the responses here. One of my best friends got engaged a few days after me and I felt it only added to the excitement and happiness! Another close friend is getting married a couple of months before me and it's lovely to chat about dress shopping and venues with someone who is genuinely interested. I can understand not wanting to get married in the same month as a sibling for practical reasons but overall people should get engaged/ married when it's the right time for them as a couple.

meeeeh

Is it only me thinking that it would be extremely cool if all engagements for the year would be done on the same day so you can congratulate everyone and be done with it. About half of the couples will be divorced in ten years anyway.

I don't think it matters when anyone gets engaged but it is great if couples coordinate a bit among themselves about the dates and locations. Two weddings in the middle of the week two weeks apart would be hard to attend. It's a common sense approach, you don't book the same venue and leave just a little bit of breathing time between the dates because it can be very stressful for everyone otherwise. But that is about it.

Sligo1

cmac2009 wrote: »

I think it depends on the type of person, I wouldn't do it to a good friend. Other's obviously have no problem with it.

What exactly would you be doing to a good friend? If a partner proposes unexpectedly and you wanted to marry him/her you're hardy going to say no!

Tbh, some of the reponses on this thread are ridiculously self-indulgent and narcissistic. People are getting engaged for god sake... Be happy for them! I'm so glad I'm married and dont have to deal with this sh*te. I've travelled and lived elsewhere and As far as I'm aware this seems to be an Irish thing as I've not heard of this ridiculous selfish behaviour in any other country I've been in.

( P.s. I'm not generalising Irish people here as it's obvious plenty of people here don't think this way and and I'm Irish myself, merely saying this "convention" seems slightly less common elsewhere...).

cmac2009

Sligo1 wrote: »

What exactly would you be doing to a good friend? If a partner proposes unexpectedly and you wanted to marry him/her you're hardy going to say no!

Tbh, some of the reponses on this thread are ridiculously self-indulgent and narcissistic. People are getting engaged for god sake... Be happy for them! I'm so glad I'm married and dont have to deal with this sh*te. I've travelled and lived elsewhere and As far as I'm aware this seems to be an Irish thing as I've not heard of this ridiculous selfish behaviour in any other country I've been in.

I doubt there is many people on here that have got engaged a few days after one of their good friends did. As I said I wouldn't have proposed had a friend got engaged a few days before me. Maybe you would. Thats where we differ.

Sligo1

cmac2009 wrote: »

I doubt there is many people on here that have got engaged a few days after one of their good friends did. As I said I wouldn't have proposed had a friend got engaged a few days before me. Maybe you would. Thats where we differ.

If my partner proposed to me a couple days after a friend of mine got engaged damn right I'd say yes... I'm not going to say sorry I can't... Mary's only just gotten engaged.... And funnily enough, the friends I have would be happy for me would you believe. But as I said, I'm married so that's irrelevant. If a good friend of mine got engaged the same week as I did, well by God is be delighted for them. Would make the planning so much more fun. But as I said... That's the kind of relationship I have with my friends. It's kinda selfless... Normal nearly.

Some posters opinions on here are imo... A complete headwreck.

meeeeh

Sligo1 wrote: »

What exactly would you be doing to a good friend? If a partner proposes unexpectedly and you wanted to marry him/her you're hardy going to say no!

Tbh, some of the reponses on this thread are ridiculously self-indulgent and narcissistic. People are getting engaged for god sake... Be happy for them! I'm so glad I'm married and dont have to deal with this sh*te. I've travelled and lived elsewhere and As far as I'm aware this seems to be an Irish thing as I've not heard of this ridiculous selfish behaviour in any other country I've been in.

( P.s. I'm not generalising Irish people here as it's obvious plenty of people here don't think this way and and I'm Irish myself, merely saying this "convention" seems slightly less common elsewhere...).

I think you might be right. It's a cultural thing, possibly closer to USA than continental Europe. When we got engaged bf's family was excited and so on and my parents response was, why all the fuss, it's not like you set the date. Considering we are still not married (a house, dog and two kids later) their reaction was probably more realistic.

Sligo1

meeeeh wrote: »

I think you might be right. It's a cultural thing, possibly closer to USA than continental Europe. When we got engaged bf's family was excited and so on and my parents response was, why all the fuss, it's not like you set the date. Considering we are still not married (a house, dog and two kids later) their reaction was probably more realistic.

A good friend of mine got married 2 weeks after I did. And when she was making the date (she knew our date) she actually asked me if I thought her date was ok and was thy ok with me. I was like "why on earth are you asking me that!!!???" God love her... Life is short. Do what makes you happy!

westernlass

Sligo1 wrote: »

A good friend of mine got married 2 weeks after I did. And when she was making the date (she knew our date) she actually asked me if I thought her date was ok and was thy ok with me. I was like "why on earth are you asking me that!!!???" God love her... Life is short. Do what makes you happy!

We did this. We got married last week and have a friends in eight days. They were so happy for us but I was nervous when we told them. I can't wait for her wedding. It's lovely to have something to look forward to so soon afterwards

maisiedaisy

I got engaged over a year and half after my sister did, 6 months before her wedding. She didn't speak to me for a month afterwards. We had no intention of setting a date until after her wedding, for our own reasons. I had no idea my fiancée was going to propose to me, but she blamed us both for 'ruining the build up to her wedding'.

Keane2baMused

I genuinely think it's insane that anyone would be miffed at a friend/family member getting engaged soon after them.

To the poster who mentioned her SIL to be (I think it was) getting engaged a week after. How do you know it wasn't planned for that week? Maybe your fiancé pipped him to the post. However why should he have changed his plans just so your so called 'limelight' would remain? I think it's quite selfish for anyone to suggest that. They had been together 10 years so he may have had it planned alot longer than your guy did!

Booking the wedding day within a few weeks of each other seems silly but I certainly wouldn't feel my limelight is being stolen.

The important part to me is the marriage and its significance to me and my hubby to be, not the party.

Ursus Horribilis

So maybe the OP's friend is going to have to propose to her boyfriend, just in case

Keane2baMused

maisiedaisy wrote: »

I got engaged over a year and half after my sister did, 6 months before her wedding. She didn't speak to me for a month afterwards. We had no intention of setting a date until after her wedding, for our own reasons. I had no idea my fiancée was going to propose to me, but she blamed us both for 'ruining the build up to her wedding'.

Wow. Just wow :-O

Electric Sheep

_Whimsical_ wrote: »

I wonder if it's "limelight" or much more practical and actually about the finance aspect for guests and the present fund from relations and mutual friends. Two weddings in close succession for relations could well mean they'll be feeling they have to buy two new outfits and then scrimp more on gifts.

So it is the scrimping on gifts that is to be feared, I suspect...

Does anyone apart from the couple who just got engaged really award them any "limelight" or "thunder"? I think most people say Congrats and forget about it.

Princess Peach

cmac2009 wrote: »

I doubt there is many people on here that have got engaged a few days after one of their good friends did. As I said I wouldn't have proposed had a friend got engaged a few days before me. Maybe you would. Thats where we differ.

But if that happens I really doubt it would be intentional. Maybe the second proposal was planned for ages, or they wanted it to be on a specific date. You would want someone to cancel their engagement of they heard a friend had gotten engaged? Why not just let everyone be happy!

And with engagements and weddings, it's possible people have a planned time line for when they want to be engaged and married, and putting things off to suit someone else doesn't really make sense to me.

Gael23

Total nonsense. My dad and his sister got married 3 months apart. It was 27 years ago but still I don't think it matters

amdublin

Life's not a rehearsal folks!

To the poster who said they wouldn't "do it to a friens" ie. would not propose in quick succession. What if something awful happened while you were waiting through their "limelight period". (Awful thoughts but what if you or your future fiance were in an accident).

My point is life is not a rehearsal don't be waiting around over (let's face it) silly things like grown adults needing a period when only they can be engaged.

Engagement is a special time for the engaged couples and their families. Someone else getting engaged at the same time does not make it less special.