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Multiple Engagements + Same Family = Problem?

SarahMollie

So I met some friends for lunch at the weekend and one of my good friends said that she knew that her BF's sisters BF (stick with me!) was going to propose in the coming weeks. (This is fairly common knowledge to everyone but the sister as her BF wants to have a party with both families the night of the engagement (assuming she says yes!) so everyone has been told to keep the evening free

Anyway, then another one of our group said something to the effect of "well thats you on the shelf for the next year to 18months!", as to her, you can't both get engaged at the same time as a sibling.

I can see why ideally the weddings/engagements would be one at a time, but sometimes if siblings are close in age, then these things happen? Once you don't plan the actual weddings to be too close together, then is there really an issue? But apparently this is a widespread convention?

My friend is now a bit paranoid that her relationship now can't move forward until his sister gets married, which could be ages! My friend and her BF are both early 30s and have been together about 2.5 years, so i can see why she wouldnt be too keen at the prospect of hanging around for an arbitrary amount of time just because of other peoples relationships.

Thoughts?

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littelady

Never heard such nonsense. Shouldn't her sister be happy for her and it's something that might bring them closer. People put so much false energy into weddings whilst the only important thing is the " I do's"

messy tessy

SarahMollie wrote: »

So I met some friends for lunch at the weekend and one of my good friends said that she knew that her BF's sisters BF (stick with me!) was going to propose in the coming weeks. (This is fairly common knowledge to everyone but the sister as her BF wants to have a party with both families the night of the engagement (assuming she says yes!) so everyone has been told to keep the evening free

Anyway, then another one of our group said something to the effect of "well thats you on the shelf for the next year to 18months!", as to her, you can't both get engaged at the same time as a sibling.

I can see why ideally the weddings/engagements would be one at a time, but sometimes if siblings are close in age, then these things happen? Once you don't plan the actual weddings to be too close together, then is there really an issue? But apparently this is a widespread convention?

My friend is now a bit paranoid that her relationship now can't move forward until his sister gets married, which could be ages! My friend and her BF are both early 30s and have been together about 2.5 years, so i can see why she wouldnt be too keen at the prospect of hanging around for an arbitrary amount of time just because of other peoples relationships.

Thoughts?

I have never heard of this, two of my sisters got married within the space of three months of each other and there certainly wasn't any issues over it. Every family are different of course, but I personally couldn't see a problem with this.

RedXIV

I agree that it SHOULDN'T affect people but it does appear to be a bit of an Irish thing that you don't steal someone's thunder. I.E. while I was planning to pop the question, my best friend beat me to it, admittedly a few months in advance. One of the feelings I had on the day was "thank god there is a bit of time between his proposal and mine" as it gave them a chance to be in the spotlight a bit.

The other thing is if there are two engagements close together it's reasonable to assume the two weddings will be too and just from a financial standpoint, that can be hard to keep up with.

In a nutshell, I agree that you shouldn't be affected by it, but I've seen the above from first hand experience and to be honest, if someone close to me proposed the same week as I was planning to, if at all possible, i'd try to delay it by a few weeks at least

SarahMollie

For what its worth, I totally agree with you Littlelady!

But apparently, it can be seen as "stealing the other couples thunder"!

I think my friends real problem is that she doesnt know what her BF thinks about this so called "convention"... so she's worried he might not now propose for ages

hardCopy

Why wait though?

My younger sister got married three months after me (engaged two months after), it didn't cause us any grief. The only slight issue was that some overseas relatives couldn't manage both weddings but we all completely understood and expected that. I'm a bloke so maybe it's different with sisters?

Also, my sister's best friend got engaged about 10 days after her and married a few weeks after. Both were bridesmaids for each other and again, it didn't seem to cross anyone's minds that it would cause any issues (apart from a slight race to be the first to name a date in case of a clash).

Miss Merry Berry

My partner and I got engaged on the 17th of December last year. It was such a special time for us. My partner's sister has been with her partner for 10 years and they go engaged a week after us! Everyone reckons it's because the sister's partner felt the pressure of us getting engaged. We had been saying the minute we got engaged that we were planning a summer 2017 wedding, we could have got married this year but my sister is getting married this summer and I wanted her to enjoy her time and didn't want to put my family under extra financial pressure. My partner's sister proceeded to plan a July 2017 wedding and is getting married two weeks after us. She just went ahead and booked her venue and date without consulting us. I just think the way she went about it is all wrong. I think if someone in my family or close friend got engaged, I would prefer to let them enjoy their special time and not have to share the limelight as such. Even wait a few months. Just my opinion but some people obviously don't see it that way!

SarahMollie

Miss Merry Berry wrote: »

My partner and I got engaged on the 17th of December last year. It was such a special time for us. My partner's sister has been with her partner for 10 years and they go engaged a week after us! Everyone reckons it's because the sister's partner felt the pressure of us getting engaged. We had been saying the minute we got engaged that we were planning a summer 2017 wedding, we could have got married this year but my sister is getting married this summer and I wanted her to enjoy her time and didn't want to put my family under extra financial pressure. My partner's sister proceeded to plan a July 2017 wedding and is getting married two weeks after us. She just went ahead and booked her venue and date without consulting us. I just think the way she went about it is all wrong. I think if someone in my family or close friend got engaged, I would prefer to let them enjoy their special time and not have to share the limelight as such. Even wait a few months. Just my opinion but some people obviously don't see it that way!

Just to clarify, you've no issue with engagements overlapping - rather that the proposals and weddings are both within a short window of each other?

eviltwin

I think the whole limelight thing is very childish.

Miss Merry Berry

SarahMollie wrote: »

Just to clarify, you've no issue with engagements overlapping - rather that the proposals and weddings are both within a short window of each other?

My issue is that they go engaged a week after us even though they were together for over 10 years. Then they decided to plan their wedding for July 2017 which is the month we wanted to get married and stated this as soon as we got engaged (before them). They booked their date more or less straight away. Anyway, we have very different weddings and I don't dare ask her about her weddings plans as I'm always met with a frosty reception. I just found the whole situation a bit immature to be honest.

SarahMollie

eviltwin wrote: »

I think the whole limelight thing is very childish.

^+1 to this.

I'm at the age where there are weddings and engagements everywhere I look. Some people are still behaving like nice, rational human beings but not all! :eek:

Some people severely over estimate the importance of "their special day" to the world at large.

_Whimsical_

eviltwin wrote: »

I think the whole limelight thing is very childish.

I wonder if it's "limelight" or much more practical and actually about the finance aspect for guests and the present fund from relations and mutual friends. Two weddings in close succession for relations could well mean they'll be feeling they have to buy two new outfits and then scrimp more on gifts.

Miss Merry Berry

eviltwin wrote: »

I think the whole limelight thing is very childish.

But getting engaged so close to a close friend or family member is a bit selfish too. You have all the time in the world so let them enjoy it.

eviltwin

_Whimsical_ wrote: »

I wonder if it's "limelight" or much more practical and actually about the finance aspect for guests and the present fund from relations and mutual friends. Two weddings in close succession for relations could well mean they'll be feeling they have to buy two new outfits and then scrimp more on gifts.

That's totally different and understandable, but I'm talking about the kinds of people who don't want to share the attention or excitement with another couple.

eviltwin

Miss Merry Berry wrote: »

But getting engaged so close to a close friend or family member is a bit selfish too. You have all the time in the world so let them enjoy it.

Life is too short. I wouldn't want anyone feeling they have to put their lives on hold over my plans, that would be selfish.

SarahMollie

_Whimsical_ wrote: »

I wonder if it's "limelight" or much more practical and actually about the finance aspect for guests and the present fund from relations and mutual friends. Two weddings in close succession for relations could well mean they'll be feeling they have to buy two new outfits and then scrimp more on gifts.

Yeah the person who made the "left on the shelf" comment did say this by means of justification.

However in this day and age, I don't think the family would be called on for a contribution or anything. Yes, people spend on attending weddings, but would it not be fine for both couples to be engaged at the same time, once the original fuss has died down over the 1st engagement? Like maybe in 6 months or something?

I agree that it would be silly for the actual weddings to be close, but surely the 2nd couple could just bear that in mind when setting their date?

Miss Merry Berry

_Whimsical_ wrote: »

I wonder if it's "limelight" or much more practical and actually about the finance aspect for guests and the present fund from relations and mutual friends. Two weddings in close succession for relations could well mean they'll be feeling they have to buy two new outfits and then scrimp more on gifts.

This too, like I said my sister is married this year and I have two siblings in Australia who can only get home for 3 weeks per year if they can afford it. Even if I wanted to get married this year, I wouldn't put my siblings under that financial pressure two times in the same year, not to mention making them use up all their holiday time on traveling home.

SarahMollie

eviltwin wrote: »

Life is too short. I wouldn't want anyone feeling they have to put their lives on hold over my plans, that would be selfish.

I tend to agree with this. Obviously I think MMBs situation is extreme, but for example if the other proposal had been a few months later rather than a few weeks, it might not have been such an issue.

NyOmnishambles

SarahMollie wrote: »

I think my friends real problem is that she doesnt know what her BF thinks about this so called "convention"... so she's worried he might not now propose for ages

I would suggest her BF probably has no clue about such a convention or any other wedding related conventions (I was oblivious to lots of stuff before getting engaged and married)

So she probably has nothing to worry about on that front, if it his intention to ask at some stage he probably will without considering the convention implications

Miss Merry Berry

eviltwin wrote: »

Life is too short. I wouldn't want anyone feeling they have to put their lives on hold over my plans, that would be selfish.

Each to their own but that is not how I treat my family or friends. I'd like to think I'd be a bit more considerate of their feelings. Like I said, let them enjoy their special time. Give them a couple of month leeway to enjoy the high of getting engaged at least.

eviltwin

SarahMollie wrote: »

I tend to agree with this. Obviously I think MMBs situation is extreme, but for example if the other proposal had been a few months later rather than a few weeks, it might not have been such an issue.

I wouldn't ruin anyone's special day but the idea that they need the attention for the duration of their engagement in case it offends them is ridiculous.

SarahMollie

NyOmnishambles wrote: »

I would suggest her BF probably has no clue about such a convention or any other wedding related conventions (I was oblivious to lots of stuff before getting engaged and married)

So she probably has nothing to worry about on that front, if it his intention to ask at some stage he probably will without considering the convention implications

Yeah I hope not! I could just tell the comment got into her head, and then we chatted a bit about it on the way home when it was just the two of us.

It just goes to show how a flippant comment can get to people if it touches just the right nerve!

eviltwin

Miss Merry Berry wrote: »

Each to their own but that is not how I treat my family or friends. I'd like to think I'd be a bit more considerate of their feelings. Like I said, let them enjoy their special time. Give them a couple of month leeway to enjoy the high of getting engaged at least.

We will have to agree to disagree on this one. I don't see how someone being engaged at the same time as me is meant to make my engagement less special. I would be happy for them.

Dial Hard

_Whimsical_ wrote:

I wonder if it's "limelight" or much more practical and actually about the finance aspect for guests and the present fund from relations and mutual friends. Two weddings in close succession for relations could well mean they'll be feeling they have to buy two new outfits and then scrimp more on gifts.

My friend choreographed first dances for two couples where the grooms were brothers and they were having a joint wedding.

I thought it was a brilliant idea. The couples share the costs of a very expensive day and it saves their guests a hell of a lot of expense too. Plus, it'd be one hell of a party!

dori_dormer

My sister got engaged autumn last year. Her fiancés best friend had been engaged for a few months at that stage. But made no definite plans. My sister and her fella wanted to book a venue asap. They politely mentioned the places they were viewing over xmas etc to the other couple. Every single place was on their ' top 10 venues' and therefore 'baggsed' and my sister wasn't allowed view them without a falling out.
My sis and her fella found a place the other couple had never heard of, viewed , and booked their date. It was the only way to do it without a row. Since then the other couple have booked their place ( not on the top 10 list) for a few months before my sister. The few months spacing gives their mutual friends a bit of a financial breather.

The stress of venues and dates tho! There's a certain amount of politeness and buffer needed but some people take it too far or abuse it for control.

SarahMollie

dori_dormer wrote: »

My sister got engaged autumn last year. Her fiancés best friend had been engaged for a few months at that stage. But made no definite plans. My sister and her fella wanted to book a venue asap. They politely mentioned the places they were viewing over xmas etc to the other couple. Every single place was on their ' top 10 venues' and therefore 'baggsed' and my sister wasn't allowed view them without a falling out.
My sis and her fella found a place the other couple had never heard of, viewed , and booked their date. It was the only way to do it without a row. Since then the other couple have booked their place ( not on the top 10 list) for a few months before my sister. The few months spacing gives their mutual friends a bit of a financial breather.

The stress of venues and dates tho! There's a certain amount of politeness and buffer needed but some people take it too far or abuse it for control.

Wow, that sounds highly annoying. Adults can't just go around "bagsying" things!

I wouldnt have much sympathy for the friends of your sister, because whatever about families, its pretty normal for a few out of a group of friends to be engaged, especially in a certain age range. That doesnt give whoever got engaged first a monopoly on all venues out there, especially if they initially were in no rush to book anything!

cmac2009

eviltwin wrote: »

I think the whole limelight thing is very childish.

I really don't think it is speaking from experience. It happened a year or so ago with a good friend, got engaged 4 days after me. The issue is not the you want the spotlight but the fact that when you meet with all your friends and family this is the focal point of the conversation. Before they even begin to congratulate you or ask about the engagement it's ' I can't believe he did that' etc etc. Which takes away from the excitement of the what has just happened. I think it depends on the type of person, I wouldn't do it to a good friend. Other's obviously have no problem with it.

Addle

Miss Merry Berry wrote: »

I wanted her to enjoy her time

What 'time' really though?
It's a wedding DAY.

_Whimsical_

cmac2009 wrote: »

I really don't think it is speaking from experience. It happened a year or so ago with a good friend, got engaged 4 days after me. The issue is not the you want the spotlight but the fact that when you meet with all your friends and family this is the focal point of the conversation. Before they even begin to congratulate you or ask about the engagement it's ' I can't believe he did that' etc etc. Which takes away from the excitement of the what has just happened. I think it depends on the type of person, I wouldn't do it to a good friend. Other's obviously have no problem with it.

I actually think it's very sad if adults making a monumental life decision factor the degree of adulation and attention they'll get into when to do it. I can understand taking the practicalities of having two weddings where most of the attendees will be the same into account but thinking everyone whooping around you and making you the focal pin of everything is your due is just a dismal perspective. An engagement is ultimately between two people, if the love and commitment of your partner isn't enough to have you delighted with life after an engagement something is a miss in my opinion.

The_Stranger

eviltwin wrote: »

Life is too short. I wouldn't want anyone feeling they have to put their lives on hold over my plans, that would be selfish.

Couldn't agree with you more.

My partner and I got engaged a week before Christmas last year. My sister got engaged a week later on Christmas day along with numerous other friends and cousins. (Must be something in the air!! Ha) I was genuinely very happy for them. I'll be getting married this summer and my sister is getting married at Christmas next year. Tbh I actually found it to be a great thing as we can discuss wedding plans and ideas without boring anyone else to death!

cmac2009

_Whimsical_ wrote: »

I actually think it's very sad if adults making a monumental life decision factor the degree of adulation and attention they'll get into when to do it. I can understand taking the practicalities of having two weddings where most of the attendees will be the same into account but thinking everyone whooping around you and making you the focal pin of everything is your due is just a dismal perspective. An engagement is ultimately between two people, if the love and commitment of your partner isn't enough to have you delighted with life after an engagement something is a miss in my opinion.

It's easy to write out all that on a message board, but when it happens you can't help but being affected. Getting engaged is a very special moment, one which we share with your friends and family. When someone gets engaged the same week as you it slightly knocks the shine off the occasion. Maybe it is selfish. But as I said if your the type of person to do that to a friend it says a lot about what you think of them.