Is He A Good Guy or a Bad Guy?

Distorted

Theres been a mutual attraction between this guy and myself for a good few years now. We never seemed to get together, I can be a bit slow with guys and he never really seemed to ask me but would act very jealous if he saw me speaking to another guy. Anyway, for some reason when I was working away at the other end of the country and only back every month or six weeks or so, I texted him and told him to get his act together, and we started dating. At least I thought we did. We were on our way back from the cinema one night and he announces "This isn't a date you know". I'd already made up my mind that he was a bit anxious or whatever and to ignore any strange comments he made or brush them off.

So we dated a few more times and had a little kiss, and apart from not being allowed to call it dating, things were going really well. One day he said he didn't feel like going out but that I could call round to his place if I liked. I did, and things happened, so it was now a sexual relationship. It was great and I thought it was going really well, but just before I was due to move back to our town for good, he started being a bit distant. Never heard from him so after a couple of weeks back settling in, I texted him and he dumped me by text, saying he "couldn't do relationships like this". I wasn't very happy and after a few days told him so and that he should at least meet me in person.

So we met up but he seemed even more determined to end it and just kept saying he was a person that would never get married and just couldn't handle relationships. I tried to tell him how strong my feelings were for him, but he wasn't listening. He kept telling me I should do internet dating and meet someone else and I should go on Tinder.

So basically what I'm wondering whether he's just one of Those Guys, you know, the sexual predator type, that tells you all the nice stuff you want to hear to get their leg over a few times and then bails out. Onto the next one. I also think he had a secret relationship with another girl in a different town a few years back but didn't tell anyone about her and we have mutual friends. He's also had a fair few one night stands (he told me). He's 35, by the way.

I always thought he was a decent sort of guy (otherwise I'd have had nothing to do with him), also he suffers from pretty bad depression, anxiety, and so on, and gave up his job so, although he has a small income from a flat he owns and doesn't claim benefits. He was also saying he had nothing to offer me and he isn't worth bothering with and so on, and I tried to tell him I wasn't interested in going out with someone for their money, and anyway he owns his own place and I don't really see him as that bad a prospect in those terms. Although he never has any money to do anything (the cinema was too expensive after the first couple of times even though I paid for myself). He would always cook me food when I was round though. As far as I can tell (and I probably got him acting his best), he's become a bit agrophobic and doesn't leave the house some days, and hardly has any friends left.

So what do you guys think? Theres so many sexual predator types around (for want of a better expression), and I don't really respect that type of guy. Also we never seem to be able to quite get away from each other, and I can't rule this relationship starting up again, but I'd like to know what I'm dealing with. Actions speak louder than words? Its also pretty weird to have moved back after a year and a half of coming back and spending time with him, and not seeing him any more.

Augme

Based on the piece you wrote it's impossible to say if he's a good or bad guy. I certainly wouldn't call him a sexual predator. However this piece jumped out at me...

So we met up but he seemed even more determined to end it and just kept saying he was a person that would never get married and just couldn't handle relationships. I tried to tell him how strong my feelings were for him, but he wasn't listening. He kept telling me I should do internet dating and meet someone else and I should go on Tinder.

He's made it pretty clear(for whatever reason) that he isn't interested, so why are you still persuing him? Those kind of actions could be constructed as being quite predatory.

Distorted

Augme wrote: »

Based on the piece you wrote it's impossible to say if he's a good or bad guy. I certainly wouldn't call him a sexual predator. However this piece jumped out at me...





He's made it pretty clear(for whatever reason) that he isn't interested, so why are you still persuing him? Those kind of actions could be constructed as being quite predatory.

Thanks for your reply. I was dumped 2 months ago, and haven't contacted him since. I'm just trying to figure out why what happened did happen. I wouldn't have had sex with him if I didn't see a future in it. I'm not into casual sex, and made that clear to him.

As for a sexual predator, that's what my flatmate, who is on Tinder, calls them. By that, we mean the sort of guy that promises you the earth for no strings attached sex and then disappears. And most of the women I know want to avoid that type of man like the plague. Others may vary.

Augme

Distorted wrote: »

Thanks for your reply. I was dumped 2 months ago, and haven't contacted him since. I'm just trying to figure out why what happened did happen. I wouldn't have had sex with him if I didn't see a future in it. I'm not into casual sex, and made that clear to him.

As for a sexual predator, that's what my flatmate, who is on Tinder, calls them. By that, we mean the sort of guy that promises you the earth for no strings attached sex and then disappears. And most of the women I know want to avoid that type of man like the plague. Others may vary.

If the guy promised you the earth then I can understand the frustration. But when he said "This isn't a date" you should have listened, rather than brush it off. I'm not really sure why you just decided to ignore that.

CaraMay

But you had sex with him after he told you that ye weren't dating. That's casual sex. You made a quite common mistake - you didn't listen to what he was telling you. You also seemed to try to convince him to be with you when he was finishing with you? It doesn't natter if he's a good or bad guy. He's probably neither but the hard fact is that he doesn't want a relationship with you. Time to move on op.

Penny Tration

Distorted wrote: »

Thanks for your reply. I was dumped 2 months ago, and haven't contacted him since. I'm just trying to figure out why what happened did happen. I wouldn't have had sex with him if I didn't see a future in it. I'm not into casual sex, and made that clear to him.

As for a sexual predator, that's what my flatmate, who is on Tinder, calls them. By that, we mean the sort of guy that promises you the earth for no strings attached sex and then disappears. And most of the women I know want to avoid that type of man like the plague. Others may vary.

You made it clear you're not into casual sex, and he made it clear he's not into dating. You slept with him anyway. so that's on you, you chose to have sex knowing he had said there wasn't any dating and therefore no future.

He's not a sexual predator or a guy who promises the earth to get someone into bed. He very, very clearly told you he wasn't interested in dating, and you chose to keep going back to him.

You liking him a lot doesn't mean he has to feel the same. He told you it wasn't dating, so you knew he didn't feel the same. you just hoped he would/did and unfortunately he didn't.

He was clear in his intentions so nope, he's done nothing wrong.

Take something from this - if someone tells you you're not dating, you're not.

cactusgal

Yep, if he says you're not dating and that he doesn't want a relationship, it's pretty much as clear an indicator as can be that he doesn't want to be your boyfriend (sorry if that sounds harsh, but it's the truth).
How you act is up to you, but definitely don't have sex with someone who doesn't want to date or have a relationship unless you're only looking for something very casual.
I definitely don't think it's fair to call him a 'sexual predator' when he's been honest about his intentions.

Distorted

As far as I could tell, when he made that comment about it not being a date, we were on our second (non) date, holding hands, when he was walking me back to my car from the cinema. He then kissed me. The next time I saw him, he said it had been a stupid thing to say, he was just being stupid and he didn't know why he had said it, and it was a mistake. and we dated a few times more before things got more serious. Things seemed to be going really well, then he just went back to that sort of withdrawn behaviour again.

I've known him for years and I've seen some pretty strange behaviour from him, so I kind of knew he had difficulties, but had hoped it would ease for him.

Penny Tration

Distorted wrote: »

As far as I could tell, when he made that comment about it not being a date, we were on our second (non) date, holding hands, when he was walking me back to my car from the cinema. He then kissed me. The next time I saw him, he said it had been a stupid thing to say, he was just being stupid and he didn't know why he had said it, and it was a mistake. and we dated a few times more before things got more serious. Things seemed to be going really well, then he just went back to that sort of withdrawn behaviour again.

I've known him for years and I've seen some pretty strange behaviour from him, so I kind of knew he had difficulties, but had hoped it would ease for him.

This is the problem really. You hoped he'd change. You hoped he'd wake up and want a relationship, but he didn't.

He's not a bad person for that. You two just weren't compatible in what you wanted and unfortunately you got hurt.

CaraMay

You know he has difficulties so why would you think he's a sexual predator? It just didn't work out op. Try to put it behind you and not over analyse

Eimee90

Be very careful, op, with using terms such as sexual predator. That is so different to what you are describing here and damaging to someone's name. It's exactly what it says on the tin, he doesn't want a relationship

PressRun

I think he's been pretty straight-forward with you, tbh. He told you he didn't want a relationship and to look elsewhere. I think you should take that advice rather than trying to change his mind, because I just don't think that's going to work.

CaraMay

elsa21 wrote: »

Be very careful, op, with using terms such as sexual predator. That is so different to what you are describing here and damaging to someone's name. It's exactly what it says on the tin, he doesn't want a relationship

Exactly he's not exactly the guy from 50 shades of grey who is a sexual predator and I really wouldn't be bandying that term around in relation to him. Mud sticks and in this case you ignored what he said and he has done nothing wrong. Your friend needs to review her definition of sexual predator....

mapaca

I don't think he is a "Bad Guy", from what you've told us he was pretty clear this was a casual thing. I don't think he deliberately set out to deceive you, he just doesn't feel the same way as you do. It hurts, I know. Keep your distance from him now. Focus on other things and keep busy. Plenty more lovely guys out there when you're ready. Mind yourself.

m-a-i-

I could have written most of this a few months ago. Myself and my ex ended things because, put simply he "wasn't the relationship type". He had broken up with me before the end and had second feelings and I went back to him. I should have realised at that point that there was no changing him. I knew he loved me as a friend but nothing more. He had very bad anxiety and depression and I though that if I stuck by him I would help but I think I made it worse as it made him realise that he didn't have those feelings for me and the guilt ate away at him

Saying that, I was gutted that we ended it but I think he is a good person with a good heart and we just weren't meant to be. We keep in touch the odd time and are very kind towards eachother
You deserve someone who wants to be on the same page as you, who wants a relationship. You can't hope and pray that they will wake up and realise that they love you.. its not fair on them and more importantly yourself.

Distorted

CaraMay wrote: »

Exactly he's not exactly the guy from 50 shades of grey who is a sexual predator and I really wouldn't be bandying that term around in relation to him. Mud sticks and in this case you ignored what he said and he has done nothing wrong. Your friend needs to review her definition of sexual predator....

Don't worry yourself too much. These are only thoughts in my head after the end of a relationship, and his reputation remains unsullied in the rest of the world's population. I haven't even told my flatmate we slept together. I don't think she (or we) need to review anything though. Actions count for more than words, and I'm judging him on his actions, because I'm the one that experienced it.

I'm disappointed in him because I thought there was more to him than that. I had no idea he had had so many ONSs, I thought he was a bit innocent and inexperienced with women, mainly because I'd never known him to have a girlfriend. I don't really view one throwaway remark he made at the start of it as excusing him for any future behaviour, and a remark that he later corrected too. Taking him on his actions and not words, of course we were dating. He was doing enough to get what he wanted from me.

Its true I'm guilty of developing feelings for him. I didn't get carried away and expect too much from him at the start of a relationship, but obviously, like anyone, you hope more closeness will develop in time. But what I'm wondering is if he deliberately went into it just to get sex, knowing that I wouldn't have let him unless he had made some pretence of wanting a relationship. I think he did.

Yeah, of course it doesn't really matter, it wasn't that bad what he did. I'm just really disappointed in him though, as I thought he was a decent guy and again, judging him on what he did and not what he said (he likes to see himself as some saintly nice guy, saving the women of the world from bad relationships by ending things), he didn't behave that much differently from those sleazy guys who tell you all the things you want to hear then disappear as soon as you sleep with them.

If that's unusual, then all my friends must be very unusual too in trying to give guys like that a wide berth. Maybe when you're a student, but casual sex and sleeping around isn't something many women are into and its usually fairly easy to avoid guys like that. My flatmate has avoided two like that off Tinder in the last fortnight, and one of them is already trying the same thing on with another woman in her office, who is also giving him a wide berth. My mistake, as I thought getting involved with someone I knew and whose background I thought I knew would help me avoid it.

As for still pursuing him? No. Why would I want to pursue a guy who behaves like that? What I'm trying to do is persuade myself he really isn't the nice, exclusive guy I thought he was, and I wouldn't put it past him for him to use me for sex again in the future if I'd let him, then discard me again. What I was wondering is if the depression excuses him from some of how I regard him now, and I don't really think it does, no.

Distorted

m-a-i- wrote: »

I could have written most of this a few months ago. Myself and my ex ended things because, put simply he "wasn't the relationship type". He had broken up with me before the end and had second feelings and I went back to him. I should have realised at that point that there was no changing him. I knew he loved me as a friend but nothing more. He had very bad anxiety and depression and I though that if I stuck by him I would help but I think I made it worse as it made him realise that he didn't have those feelings for me and the guilt ate away at him

Saying that, I was gutted that we ended it but I think he is a good person with a good heart and we just weren't meant to be. We keep in touch the odd time and are very kind towards eachother
You deserve someone who wants to be on the same page as you, who wants a relationship. You can't hope and pray that they will wake up and realise that they love you.. its not fair on them and more importantly yourself.

Pretty much what happened to me. I'm avoiding him because I think he will try things on again if we have had distance for a while though and he feels better in himself. He's not the type to have friends anyway.

Its pretty damned hard to find a guy that does want a relationship and doesn't bore you. Most guys seem to mess you around. One of my friends has just found out she's been getting cheated on by a guy she's been living with for 6 years and just bought a house with. He's moved out, straight into the other woman's house. And my flatmate is truly beautiful and a nice genuine person, and you just wonder why the guys are not queuing up to have her as their girlfriend.

Penny Tration

Distorted wrote: »

I'm disappointed in him because I thought there was more to him than that. I had no idea he had had so many ONSs, I thought he was a bit innocent and inexperienced with women, mainly because I'd never known him to have a girlfriend. He was doing enough to get what he wanted from me.

Him never having had a girlfriend may have been a pretty clear indicator that he didn't do relationships. As for getting what he wanted from you - you actively engaged in it, you wanted it too!

But what I'm wondering is if he deliberately went into it just to get sex, knowing that I wouldn't have let him unless he had made some pretence of wanting a relationship. I think he did.

He didn't pretend he wanted a relationship. He told you he didn't!

he didn't behave that much differently from those sleazy guys who tell you all the things you want to hear then disappear as soon as you sleep with them.

He's nothing like them because he DIDN'T tell you what you wanted to hear.

Maybe when you're a student, but casual sex and sleeping around isn't something many women are into and its usually fairly easy to avoid guys like that.

It's something many, many adult women are into. And that's ok, just like it's okay not to be.

I wouldn't put it past him for him to use me for sex again in the future if I'd let him, then discard me again.

He didn't use you! He told you it wasn't a relationship, you chose to ignore that and continue on. that's not using you, that's you choosing to ignore what he told you.

Neyite

OP, Penny is right.
When someone chooses to tell you who they are, listen to them.

You didn't listen to a single thing the bloke said to you. I don't think you are listening to what people are telling you here either.

You want to reinvent him as a bad guy, a predatory sex pest going around taking advantage of innocent women but he's clearly not like that from your own description. He clearly told you from the outset what to expect, and its really not his fault that it failed to align with the monogamous relationship you had going on inside your head.

sbsquarepants

Distorted wrote: »

As for a sexual predator, that's what my flatmate, who is on Tinder, calls them. By that, we mean the sort of guy that promises you the earth for no strings attached sex and then disappears. And most of the women I know want to avoid that type of man like the plague. Others may vary.

I don't think your flatmate quite gets the gist of "no strings attached". Why would they need to promise anything?

As for your situation - I don't mean to be blunt but it looks like he just wasn't all that interested. It happens. He obviously was attracted to you and wanted to sleep with you, but maybe you just didn't gel on any other level.

desertcircus

Distorted wrote: »

Don't worry yourself too much. These are only thoughts in my head after the end of a relationship, and his reputation remains unsullied in the rest of the world's population. I haven't even told my flatmate we slept together. I don't think she (or we) need to review anything though. Actions count for more than words, and I'm judging him on his actions, because I'm the one that experienced it.

I'm disappointed in him because I thought there was more to him than that. I had no idea he had had so many ONSs, I thought he was a bit innocent and inexperienced with women, mainly because I'd never known him to have a girlfriend. I don't really view one throwaway remark he made at the start of it as excusing him for any future behaviour, and a remark that he later corrected too. Taking him on his actions and not words, of course we were dating. He was doing enough to get what he wanted from me.

Its true I'm guilty of developing feelings for him. I didn't get carried away and expect too much from him at the start of a relationship, but obviously, like anyone, you hope more closeness will develop in time. But what I'm wondering is if he deliberately went into it just to get sex, knowing that I wouldn't have let him unless he had made some pretence of wanting a relationship. I think he did.

Yeah, of course it doesn't really matter, it wasn't that bad what he did. I'm just really disappointed in him though, as I thought he was a decent guy and again, judging him on what he did and not what he said (he likes to see himself as some saintly nice guy, saving the women of the world from bad relationships by ending things), he didn't behave that much differently from those sleazy guys who tell you all the things you want to hear then disappear as soon as you sleep with them.

If that's unusual, then all my friends must be very unusual too in trying to give guys like that a wide berth. Maybe when you're a student, but casual sex and sleeping around isn't something many women are into and its usually fairly easy to avoid guys like that. My flatmate has avoided two like that off Tinder in the last fortnight, and one of them is already trying the same thing on with another woman in her office, who is also giving him a wide berth. My mistake, as I thought getting involved with someone I knew and whose background I thought I knew would help me avoid it.

As for still pursuing him? No. Why would I want to pursue a guy who behaves like that? What I'm trying to do is persuade myself he really isn't the nice, exclusive guy I thought he was, and I wouldn't put it past him for him to use me for sex again in the future if I'd let him, then discard me again. What I was wondering is if the depression excuses him from some of how I regard him now, and I don't really think it does, no.

Why are you insisting on judging him on what he did rather than what he said? It's very unfair to judge someone for pretending to want a relationship when they've told you they don't want one.

osarusan

Neyite wrote: »

You want to reinvent him as a bad guy, a predatory sex pest going around taking advantage of innocent women but he's clearly not like that from your own description. He clearly told you from the outset what to expect, and its really not his fault that it failed to align with the monogamous relationship you had going on inside your head.

Spot on.

This guy only comes across as a bad guy to you is because he fails to meet the standards you built up of him in your head - that is nothing like what he actually is - and what he was telling you he is.

You've convinced yourself that he deceived you in some way and has treated you badly, but he hasn't, as far as I can see, and you view the whole thing with a bitterness that I think is unwarranted.

Distorted

desertcircus wrote: »

Why are you insisting on judging him on what he did rather than what he said? It's very unfair to judge someone for pretending to want a relationship when they've told you they don't want one.

Because actions speak louder than words. Anyone can say they are the best person in the world. That hardly makes it true.

He only said he wasn't into relationships the day he dumped me. I thought it was going quite well until then. True, he made that strange comment about it not being a date at the start and I actually ended it because I thought he was messing me about, but he apologised and told me he was being stupid and it had been a dumb thing to say. In fact it was him who started referring to "our relationship" after that. Then he suddenly changed when I said I was moving back and went cold and distant on me.

Short of making him sign and date a contract confirming his intentions
from the outset, I don't really see what else I could have done. You don't immediately pledge undying love the minute a relationship starts.

Yes, that's right. Neither my flatmate, me, nor any of our friends are into casual sex and sleeping around. We all only sleep with guys we want to have relationships with. Is this really radical or something? Are we being immoral in some way? we all agree that sleeping around makes you feel cheap and a bit used, it doesn't make you feel good, its something you do when you're very young or as a one-off mistake and even then you kind of know its not great.

To be honest, what does it matter what I think of him if I'm never going to see him again? I haven't said anything bad to him or about him, just thought it. Its just what my instincts are telling me. I went into it hoping for a relationship, he went into it to get sex and to end any developing relationship before he got too close. Clearly I should think the worst of people before I get involved with them!

Distorted

Penny Tration wrote: »

Him never having had a girlfriend may have been a pretty clear indicator that he didn't do relationships.

Actually as I found out, he had had a previous long term relationship, with a woman in another different town, about 300 miles away. But he didn't tell anyone about it. I only found out about it when he saw me with another guy and he got jealous and told mutual friends about her. Then I questioned him about her obviously and he said it hadn't worked out because they were too different.

m-a-i-

Distorted wrote: »

Pretty much what happened to me. I'm avoiding him because I think he will try things on again if we have had distance for a while though and he feels better in himself. He's not the type to have friends anyway.

Its pretty damned hard to find a guy that does want a relationship and doesn't bore you. Most guys seem to mess you around. One of my friends has just found out she's been getting cheated on by a guy she's been living with for 6 years and just bought a house with. He's moved out, straight into the other woman's house. And my flatmate is truly beautiful and a nice genuine person, and you just wonder why the guys are not queuing up to have her as their girlfriend.

I think you might be hurting a lot but there is a lot of good men out there believe me . So he wasn't right for you and the friend has had her heart broken as well by some toerag but that doesn't mean that all men are evil. Some are scared and nervous as we women are but don't show it the way we do.

Chin up OP and focus on yourself and making yourself happy. Don't be too hard on the guy based on your impression of who he should have been. I saw myself in that position before and I was able to take a step back and realise that we were both at fault. I wanted to be someone he wanted and I wanted him to be someone else. that just exhausted us both when it was really obvious that he wasn't the one for me

timmy880

He made it very clear ye weren't dating so to have sex with him after he made it this clear (and therefore were never going to have a relationship) is just a casual hookup unfortunately. I don't think he is a good or bad guy based on this, its just one of those things that happened. Maybe you became attached to the idea of being with him once ye had sex but his stance was never going to change so I wouldn't judge him, even if he did become a bit distant like you said.

I know lots of guys who happily let girls think they are into having a relationship with them and then leg it once they get their bit but to compare him to those guys would be unfair.

Best not to think about it too much anymore.

m-a-i-

Distorted wrote: »

To be honest, what does it matter what I think of him if I'm never going to see him again? I haven't said anything bad to him or about him, just thought it. Its just what my instincts are telling me. I went into it hoping for a relationship, he went into it to get sex and to end any developing relationship before he got too close. Clearly I should think the worst of people before I get involved with them!

Maybe he wasn't in it just for sex. Maybe he genuinely thought that this was something more as well and that he thought he could make a go of it but his feelings got the better of him. He sounds so like my ex with being distant all of a sudden when it starts to get too real for him he just buckled. There is nothing wrong with that if he wasn't in the right head space. I think he might have led you on but not to the extent that you think he did.
My ex was constantly "we aren't boyfriend and girlfriend... but I've told people we are.. " Sign of a person who is terrified of their feelings.

Distorted

m-a-i- wrote: »

Maybe he wasn't in it just for sex. Maybe he genuinely thought that this was something more as well and that he thought he could make a go of it but his feelings got the better of him. He sounds so like my ex with being distant all of a sudden when it starts to get too real for him he just buckled. There is nothing wrong with that if he wasn't in the right head space. I think he might have led you on but not to the extent that you think he did.
My ex was constantly "we aren't boyfriend and girlfriend... but I've told people we are.. " Sign of a person who is terrified of their feelings.

Yes, I get that. He was even all "our relationship this" and "our relationship that" when I thought it was a bit early to start all that relationship talk and then by text he suddenly tells me he doesn't do relationships.

For the record, after he made that "this isn't what I would call a date" comment, I tried to end it. And it was him who said it had been a stupid thing to say and talked me round. I certainly wouldn't have slept with him if we hadn't gone on a number of dates first and I made that clear to him.

Katgurl

Hi OP,

I think this guy has confused you. I don't think it's as straightforward as "he told you it wasn't a date, therefore you were only casual hookups". You're a fairly regular poster and I think its obvious you wouldn't continue along with something that didn't at least seem to be meeting the standards you set for yourself.

In answer to your q, I don't think he is necessarily a bad guy but I think he is a Headwrecker with a capital 'h'. I went on a date last year with a guy I'd some very distant history with, I actually don't think he'd been with anyone really since, he'd gone through a lot of trauma and had some mental difficulties. He didn't phone me afterwards and I did wonder if I got completely played as he had told me that he really liked me and he knew he wasn't the full package (out of work etc) but would I consider him as a boyfriend. He seemed 100% wanting to give things a go and then silence.

Anyway I was disappointed, angry, upset afterwards and had similar questions to you. In the end all I could deduce was that whether his intentions were manipulative or whether he was simply not able it didn't matter, he wasn't going to be with me.

Thankfully my anger had passed by the time we met up again. He came around to my mother's house when he heard I was back and he looked wretched and said he was really sorry. We hung out for a while and i saw he was genuinely no fit state for anything.

I'm not sure if any of this helps except to say; you can't figure out on your own what his motives / objections were. Try to accept for the moment that is just the way it is. IME you always get answers eventually and usually when you no longer want them.

Sorry it worked out like this for you. I have a similar attitude to you and your friends that I dont want casual and it can be a minefield with tinder etc. There are guys out there who won't mess you about, sorry this fella wasn't one of them.

njs030

He's not a bad guy but he's been a bad guy to you which is what matters.
I can see exactly where Op is coming from, he made one comment about not wanting to date which he retracted and apologised for and his actions did sound like the start of a relationship until he told her it's not what he wanted after sex.
It sounds to me like he only decided he didn't want a relationship after sleeping together, maybe the chemistry wasn't there or a hundred different reasons.
Unfortunately op it's quite common for people to say they don't want a relationship when really you need to add "with you" to the end. It's an easy get out clause early on and saves him from hurting your feelings in his eyes.

One thing i will say is please don't judge people so harshly- just because you or your friends don't like one night stands or casual sex doesn't mean you have a right to be "disappointed" that other people do. It's not really your business what choices other people make.

Distorted

notjustsweet wrote: »

He's not a bad guy but he's been a bad guy to you which is what matters.
I can see exactly where Op is coming from, he made one comment about not wanting to date which he retracted and apologised for and his actions did sound like the start of a relationship until he told her it's not what he wanted after sex.
It sounds to me like he only decided he didn't want a relationship after sleeping together, maybe the chemistry wasn't there or a hundred different reasons.
Unfortunately op it's quite common for people to say they don't want a relationship when really you need to add "with you" to the end. It's an easy get out clause early on and saves him from hurting your feelings in his eyes.

One thing i will say is please don't judge people so harshly- just because you or your friends don't like one night stands it casual sex doesn't mean you have a right to be "disappointed" that other people do. It's not really your business what choices other people make.

We slept together a lot of times, and were seeing each other for 6 months, but only about 15 times in those six months because of living far apart. I honestly thought we had got over that stage of initial nervousness about relationships, so it was a kick in the teeth to suddenly be confronted with what seemed to be actually an entirely different person. We were getting on great, no arguments, it seemed to be getting better and better and we had the same interests in common (when he could leave the house that is). And then he suddenly just changed.

What he did do was reduce the things he was doing until it no longer involved him leaving his house, and I guess doing all the stuff together first was a big effort on his part. I knew him when he still had a job and a normal life that didn't involve staying in his house for 4 days at a time and I probably didn't realise how many problems he had. And he won't even admit to it himself that its not healthy. He tells himself not leaving his house for days on end is good because he might catch a cold due to the bad weather!

Obviously someone can change their mind but I honestly got the impression that he went into it with the idea of ending it once he got what he wanted. I don't think he went into it with genuine intentions, and I feel I've been played. Its like he got his get out excuses in early so they would work well when the time came.

I don't have any problem with people who have casual sex, but I don't like being viewed as odd when I say its something that makes me feel bad. I really do avoid men who are just looking for casual sex. And you do have to avoid them, because there are loads of them around. Although to be honest, if I just wanted sex, I'd choose to have a ONS with someone I didn't know than getting played and dumped like this. It would be a lot less bother, and there would be no risk of me getting hurt.