Ladies crashing the lads nights out - opinions please!

SarahMollie

My OH is friends with a group of lads since school, there are probably 8/9 in total, some here, some abroad at various stages but they've all really kept it together over the years.

We're now at the age where everyone is coupled up (OH will be 32 this month), with a few already married, and 4 more engaged. One girlfriend (actually the most recent girlfriend of the bunch, just over 1 year relationship) has a bit of a strange attitude in my opinion.

As everyone was home at Christmas, the lads had planned a night out and she basically tried to invite herself. She also was trying to rope me in, but I just said that since I hadn't finished up with work yet, that I didnt want to go out. She then text me and said that she heard it was my BF who didnt want her going on their night out, and what was up with that?

Now I must admit, he didnt want her to go, but not for any personal reasons but just because he believes in the sanctity of a lads night out! He send a silly picture around their lads Whatsapp group (a picture of a bird with a red line through it, like a traffic sign - "no birds") and the rest of them agreed. I'd be fairly privy to the goings on of this whatsapp group and I know they send this picture around a lot, I was just him that sent it this time. I know this is probably a bit silly but harmless in my opinion.

My issue here is two fold.

1. Why does she think that we have to go with them every time? I don't understand this behavior. I actually like it when he goes out with the lads as it gives me the place to myself for the evening.
2. She could only have found out what my bf sent to the group if her bf (his lifelong friend) showed her. Should there not be some loyalty/bro code on this sort of thing?

My take on it is that my BF's friend needs to manage her a bit better. She won't do herself any favours within the group if she's forcing herself on everyone.

listermint

This is the Lads problem, We have the same discussion many times "is it partners or just the lads" the question is asked as long as its asked and answered then everyone is clear.

This fella probably doesnt know how to explain that to her and blames your OH, either way its his issue and not that of your OHs.




yay 12,000 posts

Whosthis

SarahMollie wrote: »

My OH is friends with a group of lads since school, there are probably 8/9 in total, some here, some abroad at various stages but they've all really kept it together over the years.

We're now at the age where everyone is coupled up (OH will be 32 this month), with a few already married, and 4 more engaged. One girlfriend (actually the most recent girlfriend of the bunch, just over 1 year relationship) has a bit of a strange attitude in my opinion.

As everyone was home at Christmas, the lads had planned a night out and she basically tried to invite herself. She also was trying to rope me in, but I just said that since I hadn't finished up with work yet, that I didnt want to go out. She then text me and said that she heard it was my BF who didnt want her going on their night out, and what was up with that?

Now I must admit, he didnt want her to go, but not for any personal reasons but just because he believes in the sanctity of a lads night out! He send a silly picture around their lads Whatsapp group (a picture of a bird with a red line through it, like a traffic sign - "no birds") and the rest of them agreed. I'd be fairly privy to the goings on of this whatsapp group and I know they send this picture around a lot, I was just him that sent it this time. I know this is probably a bit silly but harmless in my opinion.

My issue here is two fold.

1. Why does she think that we have to go with them every time? I don't understand this behavior. I actually like it when he goes out with the lads as it gives me the place to myself for the evening.
2. She could only have found out what my bf sent to the group if her bf (his lifelong friend) showed her. Should there not be some loyalty/bro code on this sort of thing?

My take on it is that my BF's friend needs to manage her a bit better. She won't do herself any favours within the group if she's forcing herself on everyone.

Why is it okay for your lad to show you but not for her lad to show her?

smash

SarahMollie wrote: »

I'd be fairly privy to the goings on of this whatsapp group and I know they send this picture around a lot, I was just him that sent it this time. I know this is probably a bit silly but harmless in my opinion.

My issue here is two fold.

1. Why does she think that we have to go with them every time? I don't understand this behavior. I actually like it when he goes out with the lads as it gives me the place to myself for the evening.
2. She could only have found out what my bf sent to the group if her bf (his lifelong friend) showed her. Should there not be some loyalty/bro code on this sort of thing?

But sure you know what's going on in the group...

Anyway, she just sounds insecure and spoiled if I'm honest.

Flippyfloppy

While I don't agree with her behavior, the one thing that sticks out in your post is that you're 'fairly privy' to the goings on of the whatsapp group, but it's not ok for her to see something in it? Maybe she's just privy too? Or is that not ok because they're only going out a year?

waffleman

Sounds like yer fella's lifelong friend is a doormat who needs to sort his clingy possessive missus out.

One eyed Jack

SarahMollie wrote: »

My issue here is two fold.

1. Why does she think that we have to go with them every time? I don't understand this behavior. I actually like it when he goes out with the lads as it gives me the place to myself for the evening.

Have you asked her why? The only person that can answer that question with any clarity is the girl in question herself. The rest of us would be just guessing.

SarahMollie wrote: »

2. She could only have found out what my bf sent to the group if her bf (his lifelong friend) showed her. Should there not be some loyalty/bro code on this sort of thing?

Apparently not...

SarahMollie wrote: »

I'd be fairly privy to the goings on of this whatsapp group

My take on it is that my BF's friend needs to manage her a bit better. She won't do herself any favours within the group if she's forcing herself on everyone.

And I thought I came out with some clangers

Seriously though, I'm thinking you're probably right, she isn't doing herself any favours trying to be friends with people who would purposely see her excluded from the sanctity of their "little group".

SarahMollie

Flippyfloppy wrote: »

While I don't agree with her behavior, the one thing that sticks out in your post is that you're 'fairly privy' to the goings on of the whatsapp group, but it's not ok for her to see something in it? Maybe she's just privy too? Or is that not ok because they're only going out a year?

OK this has been asked by a few posters.

To clarify, i don't have unfettered access, he just tends to show me things that he thinks I'd find funny or whatever, so I'd seen this particular "no birds" image previously. I'm sure there is plenty of stuff I haven't seen.

The other thing is that I'd say that he shares a lot with me because he knows I can be trusted! I'm not likely to get the hump over something like this nor am I even indiscrete when I know something that maybe I shouldn't.

My biggest issue is that I feel shes trying to rope me in to her way of thinking (which is not going to happen) but its awkward, as I do like her otherwise and we get on pretty well.

VisibleGorilla

SarahMollie wrote: »

My issue here is two fold.

1. Why does she think that we have to go with them every time? I don't understand this behavior. I actually like it when he goes out with the lads as it gives me the place to myself for the evening.
2. She could only have found out what my bf sent to the group if her bf (his lifelong friend) showed her. Should there not be some loyalty/bro code on this sort of thing?

1. Does she? Does this happen every single time?
2. Your boyfriend does the same with you where is his 'loyalty'?

waffleman

IMO I dont think the "no birds" sign can be taken as excluding her personally from the night out.

But then this guy shows it to her throwin his pal under the bus instead of just tellin her it's a lads night out?

Spineless.

Flippyfloppy

Was she just thinking of it as a Christmas night out without knowing it was tradition for the lads? Or does she make a habit of this? More details are needed!

Maybe she's used to everyone just going out together whenever they're available? My two groups of friends do this, it's always a mixed group.

listermint

Flippyfloppy wrote: »

Was she just thinking of it as a Christmas night out without knowing it was tradition for the lads? Or does she make a habit of this? More details are needed!

Maybe she's used to everyone just going out together whenever they're available? My two groups of friends do this, it's always a mixed group.

Surely thats up to her 'fella' to explain...


No ?

SarahMollie

One eyed Jack wrote: »

Seriously though, I'm thinking you're probably right, she isn't doing herself any favours trying to be friends with people who would purposely see her excluded from the sanctity of their "little group".

I think there is a difference between being friendly and then having to all be one big group where everyone has to be invited to everything. Most of the time, the nights out these days involve wives/girlfriends etc, dinners, concerts whatever. We all only know each other because our boyfriends happen to be friends. Is it not fine for the original boyhood group of friends to be able to go out just themselves now and again? Its a rare enough occurrence these days anyway, and extremely rare for them all to be in Dublin, that really only happens now at Christmas.

Another thing I forgot to mention, was that trying to keep the peace, I then invited her over to my place on the night in question for a girly night in but she declined.

Flippyfloppy

listermint wrote: »

Surely thats up to her 'fella' to explain...


No ?

Well, had he explained and she wanted to go regardless ? Or did he invite her out himself?

intheclouds

Dont really see why its anything to do with you at all?

You see some of the whats app stuff, she sees some of the whats app stuff. So what?

You say you can be trusted? I dont even really know what that means? Does it just mean that because you dont want to go on the lads night out you are not making noise about it but because she wants to go she makes noise so therefore she "cant be trusted"? Why does it matter to you anyway if you are not going to be there in the first place?

Sounds like her guy cant tell her that she isnt welcome so instead blames someone else - your guy. Thats your guys issue to sort out.

As to why she wants to go on the lads nights out? Dunno, youd have to ask her. I used to have a group of girl friends and we had the odd girls night out but one girl in particular always brought whoever she was seeing at the time, and he would bring a mate. It always annoyed me actually, but I wasnt annoyed with the guys, I was annoyed with the girl for asking them along to a girls night out.

I think your frustration is misplaced, its the girls BF who is the problem.

riffmongous

Good thing none of the lads are gay!

SarahMollie

VisibleGorilla wrote: »

1. Does she? Does this happen every single time?
2. Your boyfriend does the same with you where is his 'loyalty'?

1. its happened a bit (ie if the lads are down in the local, shes been known to "pop in" unannounced. The difference here is that this was supposed to be their christmas lads night out and they were going to meet in town after work and she wouldnt be able to pop in as easily.

2. My BF shows me some silly things, but he's never actually told me anything that would hurt my feelings or make one of his friends look bad. I don't know whether or not that stuff exists but I don't want to know either. Its discretion in my view.

Dyr

I've always found making excuses for not doing something is more hassle than its worth because you'll always have to make an excuse rather than just say "No" the first time

With that in mind OP, why not just tell this melter that you're not going on the lads night out because you prefer to leave them to it. She might take the hint that attendance is not the done thing.

SarahMollie

waffleman wrote: »

IMO I dont think the "no birds" sign can be taken as excluding her personally from the night out.

But then this guy shows it to her throwin his pal under the bus instead of just tellin her it's a lads night out?

Spineless.

Exactly - none of the girlfriends were invited, she was just the only one who had a problem with it! It wasnt aimed at her but she does seem to have taken in personally.

One eyed Jack

SarahMollie wrote: »

OK this has been asked by a few posters.

To clarify, i don't have unfettered access, he just tends to show me things that he thinks I'd find funny or whatever, so I'd seen this particular "no birds" image previously. I'm sure there is plenty of stuff I haven't seen.

So no "bro code" whatsoever then?

(as an aside - anyone who uses the term "bro code" at 32 - stop it.)

The other thing is that I'd say that he shares a lot with me because he knows I can be trusted! I'm not likely to get the hump over something like this nor am I even indiscrete when I know something that maybe I shouldn't.

And yet here you are telling the Internet. 'Trust' and 'discreet' wouldn't be the first words that spring to mind. Getting the huff' though over something like your boyfriends best friend not managing his girlfriend better? What sort of control freakery is that?

My biggest issue is that I feel shes trying to rope me in to her way of thinking (which is not going to happen) but its awkward, as I do like her otherwise and we get on pretty well.

I'm sure you're lovely and all, but Jesus you're coming across as having no self-awareness whatsoever. Perhaps you two have more in common than you think

smash

riffmongous wrote: »

Good thing none of the lads are gay!

Why?

Whispered

Lads night, no birds, bro-code, I think I've seen this movie!

warpdrive

Bambi wrote: »

I've always found making excuses for not doing something is more hassle than its worth because you'll always have to make an excuse rather than just say "No" the first time

With that in mind OP, why not just tell this melter that you're not going on the lads night out because you prefer to leave them to it. She might take the hint that attendance is not the done thing.

This. Just tell her that sometimes all of the lads meet up just themselves and it's best to just leave them at it and when you're wanted there they'll let you know. Also tell her about how you like having the place to yourself on those times so don't mind.

SarahMollie

One eyed Jack wrote: »

So no "bro code" whatsoever then?

(as an aside - anyone who uses the term "bro code" at 32 - stop it.)





And yet here you are telling the Internet. 'Trust' and 'discreet' wouldn't be the first words that spring to mind. Getting the huff' though over something like your boyfriends best friend not managing his girlfriend better? What sort of control freakery is that?





I'm sure you're lovely and all, but Jesus you're coming across as having no self-awareness whatsoever. Perhaps you two have more in common than you think

I'm not sure if youre just deliberately trying to stir but I'll take you at face value for now.

Bro code - used in jest...calm yourself.

Secondly, I'm not trying to control anything or anyone. I'm a little upset that I feel that my BF got thrown under the bus, and also that a situation came out of nowhere because her BF couldn't just tell her it was a lads only night.

Lastly, if people couldn't come on Boards to discuss the trivia of their lives, the site probably wouldn't exist. No one has been identified here.

SarahMollie

warpdrive wrote: »

This. Just tell her that sometimes all of the lads meet up just themselves and it's best to just leave them at it and when you're wanted there they'll let you know. Also tell her about how you like having the place to yourself on those times so don't mind.

Believe me, I tried all of this. It was true that I wasnt interested regardless because I was working right up until xmas eve and didnt want to be hungover.

She actually rang me later that night asking why my BF didnt want her there. I said that thats not really true, its nothing against you or any of the girls (no one else had a problem), its just something they do every year, tends to get messy, and that we're all well off out of it IMO. This is when I invited her over instead, and she just declined.

It felt to me like she was determined to take offence.

smash

SarahMollie wrote: »

She actually rang me later that night asking why my BF didnt want her there. I said that thats not really true, its nothing against you or any of the girls (no one else had a problem), its just something they do every year, tends to get messy, and that we're all well off out of it IMO. This is when I invited her over instead, and she just declined.

It felt to me like she was determined to take offence.

Simply, the conversation should have gone:

Her: Why does your bf not want me there?
You: Because it's a lads night out. He doesn't want ANY of us girls there. The rest of the lads feel the same so it's not exclusively his feelings, nor is it exclusively targeting you.

SarahMollie

Flippyfloppy wrote: »

Well, had he explained and she wanted to go regardless ? Or did he invite her out himself?

This is where its all a little vague. I think she just assumed and he did nothing to correct her.

warpdrive

SarahMollie wrote: »

Believe me, I tried all of this. It was true that I wasnt interested regardless because I was working right up until xmas eve and didnt want to be hungover.

She actually rang me later that night asking why my BF didnt want her there. I said that thats not really true, its nothing against you or any of the girls (no one else had a problem), its just something they do every year, tends to get messy, and that we're all well off out of it IMO. This is when I invited her over instead, and she just declined.

It felt to me like she was determined to take offence.

Fuk her then, just leave her off. Your bf should ask his friend about it though to clarify

SarahMollie

intheclouds wrote: »

Dont really see why its anything to do with you at all?

You see some of the whats app stuff, she sees some of the whats app stuff. So what?

You say you can be trusted? I dont even really know what that means? Does it just mean that because you dont want to go on the lads night out you are not making noise about it but because she wants to go she makes noise so therefore she "cant be trusted"? Why does it matter to you anyway if you are not going to be there in the first place?

Sounds like her guy cant tell her that she isnt welcome so instead blames someone else - your guy. Thats your guys issue to sort out.

As to why she wants to go on the lads nights out? Dunno, youd have to ask her. I used to have a group of girl friends and we had the odd girls night out but one girl in particular always brought whoever she was seeing at the time, and he would bring a mate. It always annoyed me actually, but I wasnt annoyed with the guys, I was annoyed with the girl for asking them along to a girls night out.

I think your frustration is misplaced, its the girls BF who is the problem.

Actually I'm pretty frustrated with the pair of them. I just don't understand her way of thinking, but I also don't understand his behavior.

I'm involved because firstly she tried to rope me into going, and then later she actually rang me to ask why my BF was stopping her from going. I wanted no part in this, but I also don't want my BF vilified for no real reason. This night out is an annual thing and its not on her to decide that from now on, shes included.

One eyed Jack

SarahMollie wrote: »

I'm not sure if youre just deliberately trying to stir but I'll take you at face value for now.

Bro code - used in jest...calm yourself.

Secondly, I'm not trying to control anything or anyone. I'm a little upset that I feel that my BF got thrown under the bus, and also that a situation came out of nowhere because her BF couldn't just tell her it was a lads only night.

Your boyfriend didn't get thrown under any bus. I'm guessing you're all in and around your late 20's to mid-30's, yet it comes across as though some of you are still behaving like children in your special little group and this girl just doesn't fit in with your group dynamic.

I'm not deliberately trying to stir anything and I'm not trying to upset you, but you need to take some of your own advice and calm yourself. There's always more to a story than what we're being told, and based on my experience, I'm finding it hard to take anything you say at face value.

Your boyfriend's a big boy, 32 years of age, knows his mate years... and you're upset because you feel he got thrown under the bus by his mate for a bloody "no girls night" whatever...

Who exactly Is blowing things out of proportion here and creating unnecessary drama for themselves? It isn't your boyfriend, or his mate, or his mate's girlfriend.

Lastly, if people couldn't come on Boards to discuss the trivia of their lives, the site probably wouldn't exist. No one has been identified here.

This really is trivial, and that's why I'm not taking it seriously, because it's like something out of a teenage soap.

waffleman

SarahMollie wrote: »

Actually I'm pretty frustrated with the pair of them. I just don't understand her way of thinking, but I also don't understand his behavior.

I'm involved because firstly she tried to rope me into going, and then later she actually rang me to ask why my BF was stopping her from going. I wanted no part in this, but I also don't want my BF vilified for no real reason. This night out is an annual thing and its not on her to decide that from now on, shes included.

If this happens regularly watch yourself and your OH.

Ive seen it before - if one of yer guy's pals lets himself be manipulated by his GF she sees it as license to act like this with everyone close to him.

You mention they are lifelong friends - even worse she will take the p!ss even more.

keep your distance.