sleeping with an ex

aec85

I split from my boyf of 7 years last feb, totally his decision I was DEVASTATED actually I still am, I have tried everything to get him to reconsider but he wont, anyway we are still in contact every so often we have slept together a few times since the split, the last was before xmas where he told me after xmas we would try and work at getting back together, anyway it didn't happen but today I text inviting him down for fun, I was hoping when he saw me and was around me he might want me again, he came we had fun and got on but hes made it clear he doesn't want the "hassle" of a relationship, hes gone now and im totally gutted, even tho I asked him down I sent the suggestive texts I just feel so empty and alone now, having him here even for that little bit of time just made me remember when we were together all the time, we were always around each other
I just miss hom so much I still love him
I dunno what to do, I just want to cry but im afraid if I do I wont stop why why why cant I just get over him ive tried keeping busy, meeting other ppl but I just have no interest
im lost..

bee06

You need to break all contact with him immediately. How do you expect to get over him if you are still having sex. And to be honest it sounds like you had a lucky escape. Sleeping with a girl who you know still has feelings and keeping her on the hook for an easy lay by saying you might get back together isn't the nicest of behaviour from him.

Lisha

Yes op I must agree with the other poster, cease ALL contact with your ex.
He wants a 'no strings' situation, you want a relationship so any contact can only hurt you. It will end eventually so end it now and start living your life for you again.
Best if luck op

eviltwin

You can't get over someone until it's over. Staying in contact isn't over. You need a complete break before you can even begin to start the grieving process. It feels like you're never going to get past this but you will.

It goes without saying you have to stop having sex with him. You'll only end up feeling even worse about yourself.

aec85

thanks for the replies guys I honestly have tried the no contact but I always cave and message him I just miss him so much I feel robbed of the future I thought I was having I don't want to start again with someone new he was my everything I just feel so bad
and to make it worse hes txting now saying I need to stop living in the past and find a new man...its a total kick in the teeth when he knows all I want is him
when he told me at xmas we would try to work at things after I was so happy it was like I won the lotto but when I realised it wasn't gonna happen I was gutted

lucky frank lives

Ye still love him face the facts

aec85

lucky frank lives wrote: »

Ye still love him face the facts

Yes 1 million percent
How is this possible after a year he seems to have just switched off

lucky frank lives

aec85 wrote: »

Yes 1 million percent
How is this possible after a year he seems to have just switched off

Ur first love ?

kylith

Delete him. Delete him from Facebook. Delete his number off your phone. Block him on all social media. You can't break down and message him if you have no contact details for him. Give yourself time to get over this. Wail and scream and cry if you need to, but take care of yourself. Cutting off totally will feel like hell now, but will be so much better for you in the long run.

Katgurl

Ah you poor thing. Look uou're torturing yourself not accepting its over. He doesn't want to be with you. It hurts like hell but you can't make him love you.

You say you've tried the no contact but you need to try harder. He was weak coming around for casual sex but you enabled it. This is the absolute worst thing you can do by the way, you're accepting whatever scraps he's willing to give you and sending the message that's all you deserve to your ex and more importantly, to yourself.

You need to pull yourself together. He finished with you. He's told you to move on. He's not going to come back because he feels sorry for you or guilty. Let him go and look after yourself.

Ann84

You just don't want to accept its over, but it is...
The only stmpathy I have for you is that you can't see that every day you spend thinking about your ex, is just one more day of your life wasted, another missed opportunity.
You are completely blinkered, if Brad Pitt came and asked you out you wouldn't be able to say yes, can you not see you giving your ex not only all the power, your dignity but worst of all, your time...

We all only get one go at life, you are now free to meet the man of your dreams but your wasting that freedom on your crappy ex, that's the sad bit...

Please think about what I'm saying, wake up tomorrow with a new perspective, tomorrow is the first day of your new life, tomorrow is the day you make your first step towards being happy, by yourself and then hopefully with someone wonderful....

You can sit there and mourn the relationship you lost until the day you die, or you can decide to move on and find happiness, it is 100% within your control

LegacyUser

Hi OP

I've been in your exact position. It's been 4 weeks since I blocked my ex from contacting me, he had said he wanted to "talk" about us just before Christmas. I visited him, we slept together and then he proceeded to blank me again (this was the 4th or 5th time I allowed this to happen) so I blocked him and it was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life but 4 weeks later I feel a lot better.

I was with him 5 years so I know the pain you're going through. It's horrendous, I was having nightmares, lack of sleep, couldn't eat, awful anxiety everyday. But thats all gotten better in the last week or 2. You know what you have to do. You are NEVER going to feel better if you continue what you're doing. Im sorry OP to say this but, if he wanted to be with you - he would. That's the cold hard truth of what I learned. I never thought I would be able to block him and stick to it, but I did and I haven't regretted it once.

Good luck and block him today. Don't even give him a reason, just do it for you.

aec85

how guys??? how do I do it??? how do I switch the feelings off
I could block him on everything except my brain
when a song comes on that we liked, or go to a restaurant we went to, or see a car similar to his 7years is a long time so many memories so many reminders

Sound Bite

You have to stop sleeping with him because despite the fact he knows you are still crazy about him he's happy just to shag you cos it's easy. He's using you and has no intention of getting back with you.

Any decent person wouldn't do that to an ex.

I know it's difficult but he isn't coming back and will only think less of you for continuing to sleep with him.

Take your dignity back. The longer you continue this the worse it will make you feel. Start filling up for time, take up a new hobby, sign up for a course, meet friends regularly...do everything you can to give yourself less time to think about him or sleep with him.

PressRun

Block him. Delete his number, block him from Facebook, everything. How do you expect to get over him if you keep contacting him and having casual sex with him? He's taking advantage of the fact that you still have feelings for him and he's only leading you on and making you feel worse. Breaking up and forgetting about someone you cared about isn't easy. Nobody has ever gotten over a relationship like that in a flash, and there's no quick fix or any one way that works for everyone. But you're not really giving yourself much of an opportunity to get over it by continuing to allow yourself to get sucked into it and allowing him to lead you on. The first step is taking control of the situation and your feelings, which you're not doing in any shape or form right now.

Ann84

aec85 wrote: »

how guys??? how do I do it??? how do I switch the feelings off
I could block him on everything except my brain
when a song comes on that we liked, or go to a restaurant we went to, or see a car similar to his 7years is a long time so many memories so many reminders

Take back the control, yes delete him from everything and decide you are not going to cry about him anymore. When a song comes on, change the station don't sit there and cry about it, don't go to restaurants that hold meaning, go somewhere new.
Start reading books again, pick up a new hobby, 7 years is a long time but your keeping the memories alive because you won't accept its over...
At this stage, after the last year if ye got back together it wouldn't last, you'd be a nervous wreck that he'd leave again, it would be awful, it wouldn't be like before.

Start tomorrow refusing to think about him, you might get 2 hours, but the next day get 3. There is no magic fix but you have to decide to let it go

aec85

I feel disgusted with myself I lowered myself so much today I totally pimped myself out to him and he still feels the same
im a disgrace it cant happen again

Lisha

aec85 wrote: »

I feel disgusted with myself I lowered myself so much today I totally pimped myself out to him and he still feels the same
im a disgrace it cant happen again

Do not beat yourself up! Stop beating yourself up. This will only make you feel bad. And when you feel bad you will turn to him to make you feel better. This will not work and you will feel so much worse in the long run.
Take back the control, love yourself, respect yourself and know that you deserve better. Only you can stop him treating you badly.
Be kind to yourself and build yourself up.

You deserve better and from now you be in charge.

Sound Bite

aec85 wrote: »

I feel disgusted with myself I lowered myself so much today I totally pimped myself out to him and he still feels the same
im a disgrace it cant happen again

Go easy on yourself.
Love makes us all do stupid things.
Any time you are tempted to make contact again, just remember how lousy you feel now.
Delete him from your life.
Figure out when you are at your worst, if it's weekends, arrange to meet friends etc.
I once had a friend who broke up with a long term partner and circumstances were similar to yours. She used to text me saying "texting you so I don't text him...then we'd talk or I'd suggest cinema or something. Do similar if you have too. It's not easy but you need to do it for your sanitu.

Scarinae

aec85 wrote: »

I feel disgusted with myself I lowered myself so much today I totally pimped myself out to him and he still feels the same
im a disgrace it cant happen again

Be kinder to yourself - if a friend was in this situation and told you about it, would you say she's a disgrace? I doubt it; you would show kindness and compassion towards her, and that's the attitude you need to take with yourself as well.

I agree with the others that you need to cut off contact completely. My own eight-year relationship disintegrated last year and I cut contact, it really helped me to move on. The grieving period is hard but you have to go through it, there is no quick fix, and you'll never get over him if you're still seeing him and especially if you're sleeping with him. You deserve better - someone who wants to be with you properly! But don't even think about dating etc for now, just take the time to do things that YOU want. For example my ex never wanted to travel around Europe so I booked a week's holiday to Italy with one of my friends.

Talk to your friends and your family about how you're feeling too, I'm sure they'd hate you to be going through all this on your own and other people's perspectives (and hugs) can help so much!

LegacyUser

Don't feel badly, anyone who has been broken up with by someone they love has been in the same 'I'll do anything to get you back' headspace you're in now. And it's not weird that you aren't over a 7 year relationship less than a year after it ended. Break ups like that are like someone died, don't beat yourself up for not being ok with it yet.

The sting is though that you will never, ever get someone back acting like you are at the moment. Desperation is making you act like you are and desperation is not attractive, especially to someone who already made the decision that they don't want to be with you. Every single desperately hopeful easy lay hurts you and does nothing but make him more sure he doesn't want to be with you. Not to be horrible but it's just that your achieving the opposite of what you want to while hurting yourself on top of that. You need, for your own sake, to draw a line in the sand now, because you could still be trapped in this horrible headspace for a year if you don't cut him out and keep him cut out.

You need to cut him out, if you're brave enough you need to ask him to also cut you out, it's not fair that he sleeps with you and gives you false hope and if he's a decent person, at all, he'll stop that now.

Speaking as someone who has been broken up with by someone they thought they would spend their life with and who was pretty much insane for a while after, this gets better. Give yourself a year without him in it, at all, and come back and read this thread. You won't recognise yourself.

Ursus Horribilis

If breaking up with someone was easy, this forum would be a much quieter place. It's not going to be easy but seeing as what you've done so far has brought you nothing but distress and heartbreak, will a Plan B really hurt much more?

Don't be beating yourself up over what you did. You're not the first woman who has tried to get her ex back in this way. It's an entirely human reaction. If the finger of blame is to be pointed at anyone here, I'd point it straight at your ex. He knew you were distraught and desperately wanted to restart the relationship. Yet instead of doing the honourable thing and suggesting you don't contact each other for a while, he slept with you. For the best part of a year. How lousy is that?

I get the impression that a light has finally gone off his his head and that it's finally dawning on him that sleeping with you is a problem. That's why you've come here, isn't it? Almost a year after your relationship ended, you're finally experiencing the full force of the break-up. The realisation that there is no hope. What a shame he didn't do this months ago.

You're going to have to take ownership of the situation here. Block his number on your phone so he can't call or text. Unfriend him and block him on Facebook, on Twitter, Snapchat, messaging apps. What good is having him in your life doing you anyway? He has made it clear that there is no hope of ye getting back together. The next step for him, I suspect, is that he'll meet someone else. Do you really want to be watching that from the sidelines? You can get over this if you get yourself into the right frame of mind. Time is a great healer. Until now, you denied yourself this because you were still sleeping with him and giving yourself false hope.

pgj2015

just a few ideas for ya op, the 1 does not exist, there are many ones out there for everyone, you will find love again, another thing I read here in the past about ways to stop thinking about an ex was, go for a run every day, a really long run so you are so exhausted all you can focus on is how exhausted you are, i think it is good advice. also as others have said keep busy with friends and go on a few dates.

aec85

aec85 wrote: »

I feel disgusted with myself I lowered myself so much today I totally pimped myself out to him and he still feels the same
im a disgrace it cant happen again

No you're not and stop being silly. You met him for sex, you had a lot of fun and a good time. A part of you knew that he wasn't going to want to be back with you and now you just need to have willpower. Busy yourself with other stuff. Get out with friends. When you feel like you want to message him, remember how you're feeling now and think; do I really want to go through that again?

There's nothing wrong with sleeping with an ex, who is now essentially a friend with benefits, if you can handle it, but you know that you can't, so it's now time to go scorched earth and remove him from your life.

aec85

Hey guys, OP here I just wanted to check in and thank everyone for the incredibly kind and helpful replies, I have blocked and tried very hard to change my thought patterns the last few days. I know I need to do this and get over this episode for once and for all
It's consumed too much of my life for far too long
I'm finding it tough I'll be honest but taking it day by day
Thanks again guys xx

Calypso Realm

Well done OP! From now on you'll begin to feel a lot better, I promise you!

A good way of looking at it is this-by continuing to sleep with an ex you're providing absolutely no incentive for them to reconcile as they have all the 'perks' of the relationship without any of the responsibilities. In addition, by continuing contact etc you're not giving them a chance to miss you, which is a very necessary prerequisite to wanting to get back with someone. Not all couples do actually get back together of course, but some people do not realise what they had until it's gone!

Your ex will also wonder what you're up to now you're off his radar!

PressRun

There's something very empowering about conquering these feelings and getting to a point where you finally feel like you've moved on, OP. It'll take time and you're not going to feel it right away, but you will get there.

aec85

PressRun wrote: »

There's something very empowering about conquering these feelings and getting to a point where you finally feel like you've moved on, OP. It'll take time and you're not going to feel it right away, but you will get there.

I can't wait to finally be free of these feelings, if I done this at the start I would have made life so much easier but I guess it's a lesson learnt

magicmushroom

aec85 wrote: »

Hey guys, OP here I just wanted to check in and thank everyone for the incredibly kind and helpful replies, I have blocked and tried very hard to change my thought patterns the last few days. I know I need to do this and get over this episode for once and for all
It's consumed too much of my life for far too long
I'm finding it tough I'll be honest but taking it day by day
Thanks again guys xx

Well done OP, blocking him is a huge step and I'm delighted for you.

Hope you're feeling better today - it will be tough but you can get through it

Shrap

Hey, just saw this thread now and was going to say that you'll have to allow yourself to feel the pain of this breakup and that the hope you felt about getting back together was stopping you from doing that......but I see you're already over that massive hurdle. Well done you - first step to recovery and you're after taking your life back. Onwards and upwards!

aec85

Shrap wrote: »

Hey, just saw this thread now and was going to say that you'll have to allow yourself to feel the pain of this breakup and that the hope you felt about getting back together was stopping you from doing that......but I see you're already over that massive hurdle. Well done you - first step to recovery and you're after taking your life back. Onwards and upwards!

Thanks so much it's very hard

LegacyUser

I had a break up last year and although now I realise it is for the best , back then I was all over the place.

This is what helped me:
I had given back all his bits and pieces etc that I had plus his house keys.
I blocked his number and deleted his number so even on the rare occasion I had a desire to contact him, I couldn't.
I had something planned for every weekend, it's even better if you have a busy job take on more tasks and responsibilities.
Join a gym, not just for physical health and fitness , you will feel mentally stronger after going to 4 or more classes a week. Classes are good because you can do some spinning, some cardio so it's not always the same.
Look at all aspects of your life that you want to change and grow and take this as an opportunity to achieve all those goals.
Stay away from men for a time agreed in your head because rebounds only suit some people.
When your mind is racing, ruminating , over analysing, plotting revenge, rethinking, replaying, wishing you could change it , fix it etc write this down get a note book and keep writing till you have nothing left to say!!! I laugh when I look at the five six pages I used to write and I cringe.
Do plot revenge but never carry it out. Revenge I used to think got me through the anger, the hurt and the ego bashing.... I never did anything and held my dignity.
All this time has passed and yes he still pops into my head but maybe once a day... Before a minute couldn't pass without me thinking of him.
Life goes on.. There are loads of good nice decent men out there who would love to meet you . So go and find yourself, the new and improved version and get out and have fun again.
You will love again, just enjoy life while your waiting for that!:)

SarahMollie

aec85 wrote: »

thanks for the replies guys I honestly have tried the no contact but I always cave and message him I just miss him so much I feel robbed of the future I thought I was having I don't want to start again with someone new he was my everything I just feel so bad
and to make it worse hes txting now saying I need to stop living in the past and find a new man...its a total kick in the teeth when he knows all I want is him
when he told me at xmas we would try to work at things after I was so happy it was like I won the lotto but when I realised it wasn't gonna happen I was gutted

He's messing with you. You have to be more disciplined. Delete his number. Keep blockinghim on social media. I know he's confused you by saying that he'd reconsider after christmas, but his actions are speaking volumes. He does not value you (as he's using you for sex even though he knows you're not over him) and does not want to be wtih you.

Tell yourself that however much you loved him, you have to love yourself more.

I had the exact same experience in my early 20's after my first serious relaitonship ended. I just could not accept it. I stopped eating properly, couldnt focus, total nervous wreck, tried to win him back with sex, the works. Eventually i got really run down and cought a pretty bad infection and was in my sick bed for the best part of 2 weeks. I think this forced a bit of a detox and as I got better physically, I started thinking clearly which I hadnt done for a long time.

I asked him to meet me after college (how I graduated from my masters I don't know!) and told him that I couldn't see him again for at least six months. He cried as he dropped me home. i got out of his car and didnt look back.

Turns out we never got in contact again, except one drunk text from him about a year later - telling me that dumping me was the best decision of his life etc, really horrible stuff. Weirdly, this made me smile. The fact that he was still so twisted about how things ended with us when I finally wasnt obsessing over him anymore gave me back a sense of control and also restored my dignity a bit too. I took the high road and deleted the text.

Then about 4 years ago I was out for some drinks with friends from work and he came up and tapped me on the shoulder. I smiled, said "I hope you're well, but I don't want anything to do with you,I hope you can respect that and I wish you well", and just walked away. My friends told me he just stood there, agog. I don't know if I was being amazingly strong or just determined not to have a breakdown in front of my colleagues! My legs were like jelly walking away.

About a year ago (the joys of Facebook and its "people you might know" feature) I found out he'd gotten married. My stomach still did a little flutter when I saw his profile pic of his wedding day. I was so proud of myself for not falling apart.

Once you've loved someone a breakup can be like a bereavement, and you might always carry a bit of it with you, but you have to be strong and put yourself first. In time you'll realise that you won't ever have a healthy relationship with this man again, because once he's had so much power over you, things will never be equal again.

Having been in your shoes, talk to your friends, it really works. Keep yourself distracted, and you might find out that you're stronger than you think

LegacyUser

Well said Sarah Mollie, that was powerful stuff, that will help the OP and many others to know that it can be done, and to take control of our own lives, change our behaviour and stop being the victim of someone else's head wrecking mind games.