Stepdaughter wants nothing to do with my fiance because of me

Ave Sodalis

A_Sober_Paddy wrote:

With that attitute so, she doesn't collect her,wash her clothes or cook her dinner

And that would be completely acceptable. Again, she isn't her parent. I'm not entirely sure why the OP would be washing her clothes anyway. My stepmother never did any of this, except the odd dinner because she wanted to (however she did give very unreasonable requests)

CaraMay

A_Sober_Paddy wrote: »

With that attitute so, she doesn't collect her,wash her clothes or cook her dinner

She's the adult, she shouldn't be keeping score. Being a step mother is the most thankless job in the world, anyone who expects otherwise is greatly disillusioned. In most cases, the most you can expect is to ultimately become friends with them but that's it.

LegacyUser

Can I ask cantlogin for some advice regarding what my partner should do seeing as she was once the child in the situation?

I'll try answer a few other queries. No there are no other kids my side but we would like one. Her mother had a baby 6 months ago.

The point I made about her mother allowing me to take her to cinema was that it suited her for me to take daughter as she could go away with her own partner. When it suits her it's okay.

Yes being a stepmother, whether you hate the term or not, is thankless. You can't admit you get annoyed or pissed off or you're the bad guy. But I do get pissed off. I don't keep score of anything but I did her washing, cooking, brought her shopping in an effort to bond and to make her feel like I cared. She doesn't care what I do though.

I think to say that I am overestimating my role in her life is unfair. I am not her parent and never actively tried to be. I accept point about chores. But I am in her life whether she likes it or not. She doesn't have to like me but manners is different. Yes respect is earned but apart from come into her father's life I haven't done anything to disrespect her. I support their relationship, the main reason I came on here. I accept we will not have one but I should have to leave my home when she says so in order for her to come around? What is this teaching? There are ways to facilitate their relationship without resorting to that surely. I accept she feels annoyed at me being here. I can't just disappear. I do support their relationship. I also want the best for my own relationship.

meeeeh

sup_dude wrote: »

It doesn't sound like the mother has much of a problem with you at all.

Respect is earned OP. She's not a 5 year old, she's 15. Telling her to do things and expecting her to do them because of your idea of what's good for a teenager isn't going to gather respect. If she's disrespectful, it's up to her father to fix that. If she feels that it's warranted however, then I don't think even the father can fix that.

If a little brat went to a camp she would be expected to clean after herself and do chores despite her parents not being there. Her father's house is not her holiday home where she should be served and not expected to pull her weight just because her father is not around.

Op, I think it's up to your partner to resolve issues and mend bridges with his daughter. At the moment the madam is making sure everything revolves around her. Unlike most teenagers who fall out with their parents she has two places to stay so she can blackmail one or the other parent. I don't know what the solution is but I am pretty sure that if you two give her time, she will fall out with her mother about something and arrive at your door.

A_Sober_Paddy

CaraMay wrote: »

She's the adult, she shouldn't be keeping score. Being a step mother is the most thankless job in the world, anyone who expects otherwise is greatly disillusioned. In most cases, the most you can expect is to ultimately become friends with them but that's it.

Its not about keeping score, its about give and take

Ave Sodalis

meeeeh wrote: »

If a little brat went to a camp she would be expected to clean after herself and do chores despite her parents not being there. Her father's house is not her holiday home where she should be served and not expected to pull her weight just because her father is not around.

Op, I think it's up to your partner to resolve issues and mend bridges with his daughter. At the moment the madam is making sure everything revolves around her. Unlike most teenagers who fall out with their parents she has two places to stay so she can blackmail one or the other parent. I don't know what the solution is but I am pretty sure that if you two give her time, she will fall out with her mother about something and arrive at your door.

I would assume the camp leaders would be in a position of authority over the girl. The OP is not. As already said, nobody is suggesting the daughter does nothing.

I think there's something a bit more going on than just falling out with her father and it's an unfair assumption to make about her falling out with her mother.

Dellnum

I think that the trouble here is that this girl is 15. 15 year old girls can be very very hard to get along with and it doesn't matter whether you are her mother or her step mother. In my opinion you are being way too sensitive here, because you have no experience of 15 year old girls. She will grow out of her rudeness so try not to take it personally. She is a brat, and will torment you no matter how nice you are to her. In fact you would be better off being indifferent to her behaviour. She is walking all over you because you show you care. That is the nature of 15 year old brats. They usually grow out of it. I would not dance around her trying to please her and I certainly would not be apologising to her. Just continue to be a reasonable human being and I see no reason why you should treat her with kid gloves. If she leaves things on the ground she should be asked to pick them up etc. etc.
Unfortunately, if she thinks she is getting to you she will make your life a hell. It is all so unfair but you will never win with this young Miss and the harder you try the worse it will get. The only thing that will work with her is to just be a reasonable step mother and don't show how much you care if she annoys you. Fortunately, she will grow out of this behaviour but it could take 5 - 7 years I am afraid, so don't put your life on hold because of her.

She is also looking for attention from her father and trying to annoy him too, so tell him not to pander to her.

CaraMay

A_Sober_Paddy wrote: »

Its not about keeping score, its about give and take

Are you a step mother? If not, the you can't fully understand the politucs

njs030

A_Sober_Paddy wrote: »

Its not about keeping score, its about give and take

I actually laughed when I read this. Clearly you haven't had many dealings with teenage girls!!
Teenage girls are hellish little demons for their parents let alone outsiders- that's why nature gave the parents 15 years to grow to love them. I have one myself who woke up one morning and decided she'd like to disagree with everything one minute and be a little girl needing guidance the next.
Parents give and children take, there's very little self-awareness in the teenage years!!


Teenagers are hard, hard work and as I said before the op should stop trying to enforce her ideas and allow the child and father to have a relationship, if that means being the adult and accepting the child's wants and needs come first then so be it.

meeeeh

sup_dude wrote: »

I would assume the camp leaders would be in a position of authority over the girl. The OP is not. As already said, nobody is suggesting the daughter does nothing.

Considering her parents are quite happy to leave her alone with OP she is the person of authority. If they are happy for her to collect the girl, get her clothes, take her to cinema and so on then they should also afford her some authority over child (and I think they do) and they should also instruct daughter to do what she is told when alone with op. When my kids are staying with their grandparents or child minder, I fully expect them to do what they are told.

Ellie2008

She is also looking for attention from her father and trying to annoy him too, so tell him not to pander to her.[/quote]

Of course 15 year olds are hard going & she is possibly being a little madam but it's not the OP s place to tell her what to do. Let the parents do the parenting. The OP has her own views on how teenagers should behave that s fine when she has her own teenager she can act on these views this is somebody else s teenager, let the actual parents do their job.

If the child is being disrespectful etc let the father call her out on it, if the mother contradicts him that's for the parents to work out between themselves.

The OP s role in all of this is to have a relationship with the man who has a child. The child has decided she doesn't like the OP who by her own admission has made mistakes when it came to the child & is a blunt person. We all make mistakes but mistakes have consequences. The child may never have liked her anyways perhaps she wanted her daddy all to herself & resents the change & what probably feels like somewhat of an intrusion into their lives to her.

The important thing is that the father isn't left upset at not seeing the child & if the child is happy to see her father without the OP they should do that.

LegacyUser

Supdude I don't know why you feel there is something more going on. There isn't. I've been very straight as I am here to get help not to make myself look like some kind of martyr.

I fully support their relationship and have no problem with them doing things without me, in fact I would rather it but I won't leave my home because she says she won't come if I'm here. On a more practical note all my family are from the north, we live in the South, where would I go. I wouldn't burden friends.

I also have plenty of experience with teenagers as I work with them on a daily basis. So I am aware of what they are like. Granted I work with males.

My only concern is not her feelings towards me but her relationship with her dad. I can put her attitude towards me aside to focus on that. She needs a relationship with him, I have a fantastic one with my own dad and wouldn't deny anyone that.

Today my fiancé said he would bring her shopping for Christmas and she could get what she wants. She said she is going shopping with her mother and mother's partner so just give her the money and that would be grand. We gave her 300 euro. He is gutted and told her he was upset she wouldn't go with him, just the two of them. She said there is no point going shopping twice. He tried to reason with her but she got annoyed. Her mother then text my partner telling him he is a failure as a father and a myriad of other things.

MouseTail

Stressederica wrote: »

I suggested counselling, my partner and I have gone together for a pre - marriage type thing and it was great and very helpful so I suggested to bring her along. He was on board but her mother said no
.

On the above OP, it would have been very inappropriate to bring a teenage child into this session. The child's mother was absolutely correct to veto it.

I think all you can do here is encourage a relationship between your partner and his daughter. Let them meet and do things without you. I think you did overstep boundaries, but in time your relationship may be repaired, but the priority is to do everything you can to repair the relationship between her and her father.

LegacyUser

Mousetail, she wasn't going to sit in pre marriage course it was family counselling with a counsellor who specialises in blended families. How is that inappropriate?

Also how did I overstep boundaries? Aside from chores issue that has already been addressed.

Ellie2008

MouseTail wrote: »

On the above OP, it would have been very inappropriate to bring a teenage child into this session. The child's mother was absolutely correct to veto it.

I think all you can do here is encourage a relationship between your partner and his daughter. Let them meet and do things without you. I think you did overstep boundaries, but in time your relationship may be repaired, but the priority is to do everything you can to repair the relationship between her and her father.

I hope the OP isn't taking this too badly.

You are clearly mad about this man and you said you waited a long time to find him. Perhaps because you love him so very much you were eager to bond with his child, I think you used the word bond in your OP. I personally wouldn't date a man with a child because I wouldn't be able to handle the politics neither would I want his ex in my life.

This child has made it quite clear what she wants - she wants you to leave her alone and to preferably get out of her father's life. So saying stuff like you don't think it's acceptable that you always have to be out when her & her father meet is a little pointless in the circumstances. She doesn't like you, she doesn't want to spend time with you, possibly she ll grow out of it possibly she won't.

As I've said I'd just let the pair of them at it, it's not really important whether you have any place in her life, it would be nice of course, but if she doesn't want it she doesn't want it.

LegacyUser

Ellie2008
I've said and I really mean I want them to have a relationship and without me involved is fine by me.
I do think it's unacceptable that people suggest I leave my own home in order for this to happen. I disagree with you saying it's pointless. I want to facilitate this so that everyone can be happy, myself included.

No I am not taking it badly at all, I appreciate many of the constructive answers.

ash23

Hi OP. I'm on both sides of this as a woman with a man who has a child and as a woman with a child and a new partner.

My teen daughter and boyfriend get on great but at times she is resentful of his presence. What I've done is chat to her on a regular enough basis about how she's finding things with him living here and doing things just me and her regularly. So far, so good.
There was one occasion where he told her to do something and she really did not like it. And she's a really good kid, does what I tell her, helps around the house and is good in school. But it rubbed her up the wrong way when he did so I spoke to him about it and spoke to her and pretty much told them both that it's accepted she will be respectful and polite to him but telling her to clean her room, do the dishes, do her homework etc is my place and not his. It was the first and so far, last time it happened and they've been getting on great.

From his child's point of view, I tag along on occasional visits, she comes over to us now and then but mostly he visits her on her own patch and on his own. So my relationship with her wouldn't be as strong as his is with my child but with her, she's not living here, she has her mum whereas my child doesn't have her dad......you just have to factor those things in because it does complicate things because there's a loyalty there to the biological parents etc. She likes me and I like her but I know she prefers to have dad go to her place instead of coming here and that's OK. My child prefers having me to herself too. It's nothing personal.

Anyway, my advice would be for your fiancee and his daughter to talk openly and honestly about their relationship and how it can be improved. He should absolutely tell her she is to be respectful to you, as she is to any adult and outline the house rules for the house but you need to keep out of it. It just isn't your place.
Start from scratch and make sure he keeps the lines of communication open with her and hopefully things will improve and you and her can get along a bit better.

CaraMay

Just stand back op and let her build her relationship with her father. He needs to put in the effort to go see her too.

Ellie2008

Stressederica wrote: »

Ellie2008
I've said and I really mean I want them to have a relationship and without me involved is fine by me.
I do think it's unacceptable that people suggest I leave my own home in order for this to happen. I disagree with you saying it's pointless. I want to facilitate this so that everyone can be happy, myself included.

No I am not taking it badly at all, I appreciate many of the constructive answers.

No I wouldn't necessarily think you have to leave your house, can he take her out for dinner etc.

What I meant by pointless is she doesn't appear to want you around, how can that be resolved it can't really be I don't think.
Saying stuff to her mother like can you come get me out of here type thing when you aren't even spending time in the same room, a text which she probably meant you to see isn't a good sign.

It depends what you mean by happy, is it possible for all of you to be happy with her not wanting you in her life & her mother stirring the pot probably not. That doesn't mean you can't have a wonderful relationship with her father who quite clearly loves you, I don't see you having one with her. Could you be happy with that? Letting them do their thing separately to you?

Ellie2008

Today my fiancé said he would bring her shopping for Christmas and she could get what she wants. She said she is going shopping with her mother and mother's partner so just give her the money and that would be grand. We gave her 300 euro. He is gutted and told her he was upset she wouldn't go with him, just the two of them. She said there is no point going shopping twice. He tried to reason with her but she got annoyed. Her mother then text my partner telling him he is a failure as a father and a myriad of other things.[/

That s a tough one, the mother sounds like she has serious issues. Did your partner leave her when they broke up? Why would she feel the need to tell him he is "a failure as a father", why because he had a fight with a spoilt bratty 15 year old? Sounds pretty par for the course to me. I have sympathy for you in that the mother sounds like she has some serious serious issues.

€300 is a lot of cash for a 15 year old, easy to say but perhaps he should have been firmer and not given her the money? If my father told me something at 15 I bloody well did it, and I wasn't getting €300 for it either but then it was different in that my mother wasn't seeking to undermine him at turn.

LegacyUser

Yes elliemay I would be happy for them to do things separately as long as they maintain a relationship which I want for both their sakes.

300 is a lot but I agreed because he was upset and hurt and it made him feel a bit better to give it. I would never have seen that kind of money at 15 unless I had a job.

LegacyUser

Thank you to everyone for their posts, I am glad I came here to ask for advice.

Mods you can lock the thread please , I think I have gotten what I need from it.

Thanks again

screamer

Ellie2008 wrote: »

Today my fiancé said he would bring her shopping for Christmas and she could get what she wants. She said she is going shopping with her mother and mother's partner so just give her the money and that would be grand. We gave her 300 euro. He is gutted and told her he was upset she wouldn't go with him, just the two of them. She said there is no point going shopping twice. He tried to reason with her but she got annoyed. Her mother then text my partner telling him he is a failure as a father and a myriad of other things.

Alrightee then as you're a blunt person I'm gonna give it to you straight. She sounds like a spoiled little brat who is using her fathers sadness to get what she wants. Sounds like her mother is a right manipulative b!tch too and apples never fall far from.the tree.
You asked about splitting up what would that achieve do you think it would be any different with his next partner?
Your partner needs to grow a pair and stand up to his ex. He should meet with his daughter whether she likes it or not and explain how he feels and how she has made him feel. If she doesn't respond he needs to make it very clear to her that of course he is always there for her but not as an ATM facility when she feels like going shopping. Sometimes it takes a bit of tough love. And your partner will need to come to terms with the possibility that she will cease communication with him but better that than be used and abused for money and made to feel guilty.