Stepdaughter wants nothing to do with my fiance because of me

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,
Well the title says it all. My stepdaughter, or stepdaughter to be, wants nothing to do with my fiance because of me.

We have been together for nearly 6 years. She is 15. When it all started to go wrong I don't know. She was also close to her dad that was grand. We never really bonded though. I don't know why. At the beginning it was fine and I always assumed we'd get there but we never did. As she has gotten older it has gotten worse. She doesn't come over anymore, she used to stay at least 2/3 times a week. She said she would be happier if I were gone.
I have made mistakes, I am not perfect, there are definitely situations I could have handled better. When I asked her to pick up after herself etc I was too bossy, when I stepped back I didn't care. I felt I couldn't do anything right so I stepped back and let her and her dad get on with it. I've apologised for doing anything that upset her etc I am a blunt person by nature so I am aware not everyone appreciates this. There have been issues with her telling lies and twisting things that have ended up causing problems for people. None of us are perfect in this situation.

However she doesn't like the fact that I am here at all. She says he puts me first which isn't true at all but this is how she feels.
He is sad, very sad. I feel awful and guilty, why do I feel guilty? Because if it weren't for me their relationship would be fine, if I hadn't come into their lives. Am I supposed to throw away my love, my home etc for this? If I feel like this I can't imagine how he feels.
We are due to get married in April next year, she says she won't come. Do I just leave now before we make the bigger commitment? I don't know what to do.

I have tried to reach out to her, was told by her to leave her alone. I'll respect that. She chats to her dad regularly but doesn't want to see him. I think she is angry that he is with me. He has tried all she can. She doesn't want to see him at Christmas. He cried yesterday hanging up the Christmas decorations and finding her stocking. Will it only get worse?

I should also mention her mother is very encouraging of her feelings towards me even though I have met her only once. She facilitates the anger and upset towards my partner as well. She has her own partner and a new baby and my stepdaughter wants to spend time with them. This hurts my partner too that she would rather spend time with another man instead of her own father. I suggested counselling, my partner and I have gone together for a pre - marriage type thing and it was great and very helpful so I suggested to bring her along. He was on board but her mother said no.

I don't know what I am looking for, no judgment, just advice and help. I love my partner so much and he loves me. We are both in our late 30's, I waited a long time to find the right person. Do I give it up for the sake of his relationship with his child?

Thank you.

LegacyUser

Oh no op thats a difficult situation. She is 15 so a teenager which brings with it all sorts of emotions. You mention she is being egged on in her behaviour by your fiancé s ex. Is their a reason why his ex doesn't like you even though she has already moved on?
I don't think you should cancel the wedding because of her, if you give into her demands then you'll both end up miserable.

Ellie2008

Stressederica wrote: »

Hi everyone,
Well the title says it all. My stepdaughter, or stepdaughter to be, wants nothing to do with my fiance because of me.

We have been together for nearly 6 years. She is 15. When it all started to go wrong I don't know. She was also close to her dad that was grand. We never really bonded though. I don't know why. At the beginning it was fine and I always assumed we'd get there but we never did. As she has gotten older it has gotten worse. She doesn't come over anymore, she used to stay at least 2/3 times a week. She said she would be happier if I were gone.
I have made mistakes, I am not perfect, there are definitely situations I could have handled better. When I asked her to pick up after herself etc I was too bossy, when I stepped back I didn't care. I felt I couldn't do anything right so I stepped back and let her and her dad get on with it. I've apologised for doing anything that upset her etc I am a blunt person by nature so I am aware not everyone appreciates this. There have been issues with her telling lies and twisting things that have ended up causing problems for people. None of us are perfect in this situation.

However she doesn't like the fact that I am here at all. She says he puts me first which isn't true at all but this is how she feels.
He is sad, very sad. I feel awful and guilty, why do I feel guilty? Because if it weren't for me their relationship would be fine, if I hadn't come into their lives. Am I supposed to throw away my love, my home etc for this? If I feel like this I can't imagine how he feels.
We are due to get married in April next year, she says she won't come. Do I just leave now before we make the bigger commitment? I don't know what to do.

I have tried to reach out to her, was told by her to leave her alone. I'll respect that. She chats to her dad regularly but doesn't want to see him. I think she is angry that he is with me. He has tried all she can. She doesn't want to see him at Christmas. He cried yesterday hanging up the Christmas decorations and finding her stocking. Will it only get worse?

I should also mention her mother is very encouraging of her feelings towards me even though I have met her only once. She facilitates the anger and upset towards my partner as well. She has her own partner and a new baby and my stepdaughter wants to spend time with them. This hurts my partner too that she would rather spend time with another man instead of her own father. I suggested counselling, my partner and I have gone together for a pre - marriage type thing and it was great and very helpful so I suggested to bring her along. He was on board but her mother said no.

I don't know what I am looking for, no judgment, just advice and help. I love my partner so much and he loves me. We are both in our late 30's, I waited a long time to find the right person. Do I give it up for the sake of his relationship with his child?

Thank you.

Have you ever talked to your partner about splitting up for the sake of his relationship with his child? I see it as more his decision than yours tbh, if he wants to marry you despite the effect it will have on their relationship I would see it as his choice to make.

Why did he split up with her mother? Does the child blame you in any way for that? Why do you think the mother still cares if she herself has moved on? Do your partner & the mother have a good relationship when it comes to parenting the child?

Is there a formal custody arrangement in place that he can seek to enforce. Obviously she s a little big to be dragged anywhere but could he seek to force the mother to ensure that she stays with you for a certain amount of time?

You sound like you are very much in love with this man & I admire you for acknowledging your own failings in the situation.

The one red flag was that you kind of said you are blunt by nature, I don't think it's a good idea to be blunt with someone else's child especially at that age.

PressRun

It's good that you've acknowledged that you may have made mistakes and taken a step back.

However, I'm curious to know why her mother is facilitating this if she herself has moved on? Is there a chance that your fiance's daughter is telling her mother things that may not be entirely true and that has turned the mum against you, or perhaps the other way around? It might be worth having a discussion together with her mother and her partner and finding out exactly what the issues are on their side. Does your partner have a good relationship with the girl's mother? It sounds like you're going to need to find out exactly what's going on or what's being said to the mum before it's going to move forward in a meaningful way.

LegacyUser

Hi,
Thank you for replying. I'll try to answer your questions.
No he doesn't want to split up. Yes of course I have made mistakes, it was all a learning experience and to learn sometimes you need to fail. I acknowledge this and have always done.

My partner and the mother split up when my stepdaughter was 1 around 14/15 years ago so that has nothing to do with me. They don't have a good relationship. She isn't the easiest individual to get along with and there have been issues with lies from her about a number of things and she has been caught out. I only say this as it's relevant to the situation as my stepdaughter has exhibited some lying tendencies.

I don't believe being blunt is a red flag. I'm straight and honest. If there were dirty dishes I'd ask can you wash them please, clothes on the floor, can you pick them up. With someone else's child also makes it sound like a child I met at the park or supermarket. It's not. She was coming regularly, I never, ever tried to be her mother. I don't feel she respected me. If she were ever alone with me for day I might ask her to walk dog or tidy her room etc and the next thing I know she would have texted her grandmother to come pick her up. I'd spend weeks picking up bits and pieces for Christmas and birthday presents that I knew she'd like. I'd only get a thank you when told to say thank you. She'd get annoyed her dad would tell her to say thank you and see this as siding with me. He wanted us to be a family that he'd always want us to do things together, looking back now I think she feels I tool all her time with her dad and that I was always there. Of course this wasn't done on purpose.

I have no idea exactly what she has gone back and told her mother but I do know that things have been twisted. She used my phone once when my partner had gone off somewhere to text her mother. It said to hurry up and pick her up as her dad had gone off and she was home with me, her mother made a big joke about it saying she'd tie a rocket to the car to get here quicker so she wouldn't have to be with me. I wasn't even bothering her. She was in her room watching tv and I was downstairs.

She wants me gone and I feel if things continue this way she'll get her wish.

CaraMay

Can he not go to court for access? She's 15 and probably Hayes the world in general so she may come round. Can you go away for a weekend and see if she will come over to him then. I certainly wouldn't be throwing away a perfectly good relationship hoping she will come round.

LegacyUser

Hi Caramay,
Thank you for your reply. He has court mandated access and maintenance etc but at 15 if she doesn't want to you can't force it. I am from a different county to where I live so I am away and I have lots of hobbies etc....sometimes she comes when I am not there. However I think that is a bad habit to get into, that she will only come when I am not there.

I can handle her feelings towards me but it is sad that she is pushing away her dad. He is a good father, one of the reasons I love him. Sometimes he puts me first, sometimes he puts her first and sometimes he is a priority. It depends but she thinks that if he agrees with me about anything that he is picking me over her which is not true at all at all.

Back in August she admitted she had been telling people I was going out of my way to be mean to her. I was shocked, like my jaw dropped. We might not have bonded but I certainly don't do that. Her dad said no that that wasn't true and she went home to her mother and said her dad chose me over her and her mother rang my partner calling him every name under the sun. It was awful. Like if I really didn't care I would not be on here asking about it.

CaraMay

Hi I know that op. Maybe you need to realise there is nothing you can do right now. I would be away as much as possible to let them get close again and then slowly reintroduce yourself. You cant let a teenager dictate your lives.

Sound Bite

She's 15 and immature, have you looked at things from her point of view.

Her dad is dating a woman who is blunt by her own admission and also admits to handling a lot of things badly.

In her opinion, you are an intrusion, a bossy own at that, who is coming between her and her dad.

Given his ex has moved on, it would be strange if she was driven by anything other than protecting her daughter.

It seems to me you've done a lot wrong too. Is it possible that you, her and both her parents could discuss how best to move forward.

Ave Sodalis

Something that stuck out to me about your posts is the fact that you're getting the child to do chores. To me, that is not your right and if she has to do chores in the house, it's between her and her father. You can ask for a hand, but speaking from personal experience, it could be a very big cause of the bad relationship between you and your fiance's daughter. It's not your job to discipline the girl.

LegacyUser

Yes of course I have looked at it from her point of view but at same time I can't let my life and relationship be controlled by her which is what is happening. I wouldn't be on here if I didn't care about her.

Yes I have made mistakes, we all have however I haven't given up.
I don't know where you got bossy from, asking her to wash her plates, bring them down from her room etc is bossy? I don't think so. I am blunt yes as in straight talking. I'll admit my faults and will openly and honestly discuss anything. She sees me as an intrusion yes but what is the alternative? Leave because she doesn't like the intrusion? Surely her dad deserves to be happy and I do too.

Her mother is delighted at all of this so protection of her daughter is not her primary concern. She doesn't need protecting from me anyway.

LegacyUser

Supdude thanks for your reply. Well in response I do a lot for her as in washing, cooking, picking up, buying clothes, treats etc so asking her to help around the house isn't a big ask. I can understand she might not want to do it. Her dad supports her doing chores and I think it's good for a teenager to learn to be responsible by walking dog or whatever. It certainly wasn't discipline in any way.

Ellie2008

Stressederica wrote: »

Hi,
Thank you for replying. I'll try to answer your questions.
No he doesn't want to split up. Yes of course I have made mistakes, it was all a learning experience and to learn sometimes you need to fail. I acknowledge this and have always done.

My partner and the mother split up when my stepdaughter was 1 around 14/15 years ago so that has nothing to do with me. They don't have a good relationship. She isn't the easiest individual to get along with and there have been issues with lies from her about a number of things and she has been caught out. I only say this as it's relevant to the situation as my stepdaughter has exhibited some lying tendencies.

I don't believe being blunt is a red flag. I'm straight and honest. If there were dirty dishes I'd ask can you wash them please, clothes on the floor, can you pick them up. With someone else's child also makes it sound like a child I met at the park or supermarket. It's not. She was coming regularly, I never, ever tried to be her mother. I don't feel she respected me. If she were ever alone with me for day I might ask her to walk dog or tidy her room etc and the next thing I know she would have texted her grandmother to come pick her up. I'd spend weeks picking up bits and pieces for Christmas and birthday presents that I knew she'd like. I'd only get a thank you when told to say thank you. She'd get annoyed her dad would tell her to say thank you and see this as siding with me. He wanted us to be a family that he'd always want us to do things together, looking back now I think she feels I tool all her time with her dad and that I was always there. Of course this wasn't done on purpose.

I have no idea exactly what she has gone back and told her mother but I do know that things have been twisted. She used my phone once when my partner had gone off somewhere to text her mother. It said to hurry up and pick her up as her dad had gone off and she was home with me, her mother made a big joke about it saying she'd tie a rocket to the car to get here quicker so she wouldn't have to be with me. I wasn't even bothering her. She was in her room watching tv and I was downstairs.

She wants me gone and I feel if things continue this way she'll get her wish.

I would disagree with you somewhat but I mean it as just giving another person's point of view just to be helpful, I've no wish to insult you.

Of course she s not a child you meet at the park, but neither is she your child so I personally would have left the parenting re the picking up dishes etc. to her father and you said you were a blunt person to be fair. I would resent if I person who wasn't my parent started to tell me what to do, yes she should do the dishes etc. but let him tell her so.

My advice to you now would be to just not be there when she wants to spend time with her dad, if she doesn't like you at this stage she doesn't like you, it doesn't seem like that is going to change anytime soon.

LegacyUser

I accept what you said about asking to do chores etc and I see your point and her point of view. I will not do it in future.

sashafierce

This post has been deleted.

Sunny Dayz

I think you (actually your partner) need to arrange a meeting with yourself, himself, his ex and her partner. The 4 of you are her parents, whether biologically, legally or acting. You all need to discuss her behaviour and come to conclusions together as to how she should behave. If ye are all in agreement about what she can/can't do, should/shouldn't do, then that should cut out this running to her mum telling tales and stories.

Sunny Dayz

Do you have any relationship or contact with her mum at all? Cos it seems to me that the daughter has painted you in a very bad light to her mother and of course her mother is going to believe anything her daughter says about you.

Magicmatilda

Have you and her dad sat down with her and asked her what her problem with you is? What did she say?
Is it that she feels left out, rejected unloved whatever? You say she was left at home with you for the day, why? She has court mandated access with her dad, where is he going? That time should be dedicated to spending it with her. That's not to say you shouldn't be there but you shouldn't be left on your own to mind her, why is that happening?

While I understand asking her to do chores and I think every child should do some chores, I think its best to let her dad ask her and disciple her for not doing them. As for walking the dog or cleaning her room again leave that to her dad. It seems he has abducated a lot of responsibility here.

I suggest you come to an agreement with her dad that he will be around when she is there (fine if he has to pop to the shop but there should be no extended absences for more than 15-20 mins). That he discipline her and take responsibility for what she is or iss't doing. Then you sit down with her and explain this agreement going forward. Explain to her that as a young adult who will no doubt be going off to live her own live in 3 years, she needs to accept that you are part of the picture and while she may not like you she cannot disrespect you.

Are you and your partner planning on having any more children? Or are there any other children in the house?

SAMTALK

I'm amazed that people dont think the daughter should do chores. Why not?
She part living in the house . I most certainly wouldnt be handing her meals and not expect her to help clear up
The mother doesnt help the problem with her smart answers.. She should actually be telling her off for her attitude.
OP didnt cause the split yet mother and daughter seem to treat her like she did.

OP how does daughter treat step dad? And how does he handle her?

Ellie2008

Sunny Dayz wrote: »

I think you (actually your partner) need to arrange a meeting with yourself, himself, his ex and her partner. The 4 of you are her parents, whether biologically, legally or acting. You all need to discuss her behaviour and come to conclusions together as to how she should behave. If ye are all in agreement about what she can/can't do, should/shouldn't do, then that should cut out this running to her mum telling tales and stories.

Whilst this would be great if they all got on well, it doesn't sound like the mother would entertain that.

Only two people in this scenario are her actual parents, I think it's important not to lose sight of that too, she might be a self-centred ungrateful little cow but if she doesn't want to play happy families I don't see forcing her will help she ll probably just resent you more.

I'd stay out of her way for the most part, if the goal is to keep your partner happy and not have him crying about Christmas, and she s happy to spend time with him alone I'd let them at it. I'd still buy her the presents and stuff though even if she is rude & ungrateful just so you maintain some type of relationship with her. Maybe even buy her something for her & her Dad to do together. Maybe when she s older and has her own life she ll be more prepared to accept you in her life as her Dad s partner.

Ellie2008

SAMTALK wrote: »

I'm amazed that people dont think the daughter should do chores. Why not?
She part living in the house . I most certainly wouldnt be handing her meals and not expect her to help clear up
The mother doesnt help the problem with her smart answers.. She should actually be telling her off for her attitude.
OP didnt cause the split yet mother and daughter seem to treat her like she did.

OP how does daughter treat step dad? And how does he handle her?

She 100% should do chores in my view but the person who should enforce this should be her father. It's up to a parent to enforce what is and isn't acceptable in terms of standards of behaviour. I think it would be good if in doing so he left you out of it, and simply let her know in no uncertain terms that there are things that he expects from her, it's not about you, it's about having good manners and being polite when someone does something for her.

SAMTALK

Ellie2008 wrote: »

She 100% should do chores in my view but the person who should enforce this should be her father. It's up to a parent to enforce what is and isn't acceptable in terms of standards of behaviour. I think it would be good if in doing so he left you out of it, and simply let her know in no uncertain terms that there are things that he expects from her, it's not about you, it's about having good manners and being polite when someone does something for her.

Have to agree with you . Nobody seems to be setting boundaries as to what is acceptable behaviour

Ave Sodalis

Stressederica wrote: »

Supdude thanks for your reply. Well in response I do a lot for her as in washing, cooking, picking up, buying clothes, treats etc so asking her to help around the house isn't a big ask. I can understand she might not want to do it. Her dad supports her doing chores and I think it's good for a teenager to learn to be responsible by walking dog or whatever. It certainly wasn't discipline in any way.

I don't mean discipline in the way of giving out. I mean it in the way of telling her what to do. The truth is it doesn't matter what you think is good for a teenager. She isn't your daughter.

LegacyUser

SAMTALK wrote: »

I'm amazed that people dont think the daughter should do chores. Why not?
She part living in the house . I most certainly wouldnt be handing her meals and not expect her to help clear up

It's not she shouldn't do chores but it shouldn't be the OP enforcing that she does it. This is only building up the girls dislike of her when it should be her father that is taking the lead. Sounds like the father and the OP had good intentions but it sounds like early on in the relationship she was crowded by the OP and her OH and felt maybe pushed to like the OP and has ended up being resented. I'm not saying the OP shouldn't have been part of her life as she's with her father but these things are always difficult and need to be handled carefully.

She's a teen now so honestly it should be up to her to say if she wants to spend time at your house and forcing the issue is going to result in a lot of push back from her. You can try sitting down the three of you and talking about it or inlcuding her mother but honestly I would have your OH focus on his relationship with his child, if that means he takes her out for the day and she doesn't stay the night then so be it.

I've been the teen in this situation and while I know they meant well I just couldn't warm to my dads new partner. Looking back I know people meant the best but just because they were adults didn't mean they knew what they were doing. She was pushed on me too early in their relationship I felt and then she was always pushing for us to be close and share things like boys I might like etc etc and faking interest in things I liked and my dad making such a big deal of any gift she got me and how super thoughtful she was when I just wanted her to stop. It wasn't that I balamed her or anything she just annoyed me being invovled in my life and teen hormones did not help. She seemed to take offenece because my cousin's parents had split and both remarried and he got on really well with both step parents. My relationship with my dad was damaged until well into my 20's and I've never had the relationship his OH seems to have wanted but I'm civil to her.

I'm not saying that's whats going on with you OP I'm just giving you my exprience. Back off, try not to let it impact on your relationship with your partner, have him focus on his relationship with her and slowly work from there.

LegacyUser

Hi everyone and thank you.
To whoever mentioned boundaries, there most certainly are boundaries here and what's expected of everyone but when she goes elsewhere and there are none or she's told that we are wrong it's quite counterproductive.

My fiancé is a good dad. He's not shirking responsibility, I wouldn't be with him if he did. She was left with me between him going to work and mother picking her up. An hour maybe.... Her mother has been happy for me to collect her from school when she couldn't or bring her to cinema and out for evening when my fiancé was abroad with work.

No she's not my daughter supdude but I would think a level of respect when it's given isn't crossing boundaries.

Ellie2008

sup_dude wrote: »

I don't mean discipline in the way of giving out. I mean it in the way of telling her what to do. The truth is it doesn't matter what you think is good for a teenager. She isn't your daughter.

^ this really, I think another person said she has four parents essentially, she doesn't she has two. If she wants to play happy families with her step dad that s her choice, same if she doesn't with you. But she doesn't get to be a rude little madam about things, if her mother has no wish to take her in hand, her father should make it clear what behaviour won't be accepted.

CaraMay

And if she doesn't want to come to his house he dhould be going to visit her on the days he has access.

Ellie2008

can't log in wrote: »

It's not she shouldn't do chores but it shouldn't be the OP enforcing that she does it. This is only building up the girls dislike of her when it should be her father that is taking the lead. Sounds like the father and the OP had good intentions but it sounds like early on in the relationship she was crowded by the OP and her OH and felt maybe pushed to like the OP and has ended up being resented. I'm not saying the OP shouldn't have been part of her life as she's with her father but these things are always difficult and need to be handled carefully.

She's a teen now so honestly it should be up to her to say if she wants to spend time at your house and forcing the issue is going to result in a lot of push back from her. You can try sitting down the three of you and talking about it or inlcuding her mother but honestly I would have your OH focus on his relationship with his child, if that means he takes her out for the day and she doesn't stay the night then so be it.

I've been the teen in this situation and while I know they meant well I just couldn't warm to my dads new partner. Looking back I know people meant the best but just because they were adults didn't mean they knew what they were doing. She was pushed on me too early in their relationship I felt and then she was always pushing for us to be close and share things like boys I might like etc etc and faking interest in things I liked and my dad making such a big deal of any gift she got me and how super thoughtful she was when I just wanted her to stop. It wasn't that I balamed her or anything she just annoyed me being invovled in my life and teen hormones did not help. She seemed to take offenece because my cousin's parents had split and both remarried and he got on really well with both step parents. My relationship with my dad was damaged until well into my 20's and I've never had the relationship his OH seems to have wanted but I'm civil to her.

I'm not saying that's whats going on with you OP I'm just giving you my exprience. Back off, try not to let it impact on your relationship with your partner, have him focus on his relationship with her and slowly work from there.

I think this is a really helpful post. I've never done the step-kid thing but I don't think the OP s relationship with the child or lack of one is important at all really to be honest. I don't even like the coinage "step-mum", it implies that somehow the step-mum has some level of parentage of the child. The relationship is with the father not the child. The most important relationship here is the one between the parent & the minor, she only gets one childhood and it's her chance to establish a relationship with her dad. She doesn't get to be a brat, she has to be polite and respectful anything further is down to her.

Ave Sodalis

Stressederica wrote: »

Hi everyone and thank you.
To whoever mentioned boundaries, there most certainly are boundaries here and what's expected of everyone but when she goes elsewhere and there are none or she's told that we are wrong it's quite counterproductive.

My fiancé is a good dad. He's not shirking responsibility, I wouldn't be with him if he did. She was left with me between him going to work and mother picking her up. An hour maybe.... Her mother has been happy for me to collect her from school when she couldn't or bring her to cinema and out for evening when my fiancé was abroad with work.

No she's not my daughter supdude but I would think a level of respect when it's given isn't crossing boundaries.

It doesn't sound like the mother has much of a problem with you at all.

Respect is earned OP. She's not a 5 year old, she's 15. Telling her to do things and expecting her to do them because of your idea of what's good for a teenager isn't going to gather respect. If she's disrespectful, it's up to her father to fix that. If she feels that it's warranted however, then I don't think even the father can fix that.

njs030

CaraMay wrote: »

And if she doesn't want to come to his house he dhould be going to visit her on the days he has access.

From my point of view all the op's posts seem to be missing the point that she isn't important in the child's life. The important relationship is between the father and child, not the op and child and if the child only wants to come to the house while op is out that should be allowed until the CHILD decides otherwise. Isn't it better she sees her dad at all and feels that he's putting her first? Maybe if the girls feelings were put first she would feel more secure.
Op, it's not really your place to be making decisions about her life or enforcing rules.

I don't mean to be harsh but you need to remember your role isn't as a parent, maybe you should step back and allow her the time she needs with her dad without you being present.

A_Sober_Paddy

sup_dude wrote: »

I don't mean discipline in the way of giving out. I mean it in the way of telling her what to do. The truth is it doesn't matter what you think is good for a teenager. She isn't your daughter.

With that attitute so, she doesn't collect her,wash her clothes or cook her dinner

Ave Sodalis

A_Sober_Paddy wrote:

With that attitute so, she doesn't collect her,wash her clothes or cook her dinner

And that would be completely acceptable. Again, she isn't her parent. I'm not entirely sure why the OP would be washing her clothes anyway. My stepmother never did any of this, except the odd dinner because she wanted to (however she did give very unreasonable requests)

CaraMay

A_Sober_Paddy wrote: »

With that attitute so, she doesn't collect her,wash her clothes or cook her dinner

She's the adult, she shouldn't be keeping score. Being a step mother is the most thankless job in the world, anyone who expects otherwise is greatly disillusioned. In most cases, the most you can expect is to ultimately become friends with them but that's it.

LegacyUser

Can I ask cantlogin for some advice regarding what my partner should do seeing as she was once the child in the situation?

I'll try answer a few other queries. No there are no other kids my side but we would like one. Her mother had a baby 6 months ago.

The point I made about her mother allowing me to take her to cinema was that it suited her for me to take daughter as she could go away with her own partner. When it suits her it's okay.

Yes being a stepmother, whether you hate the term or not, is thankless. You can't admit you get annoyed or pissed off or you're the bad guy. But I do get pissed off. I don't keep score of anything but I did her washing, cooking, brought her shopping in an effort to bond and to make her feel like I cared. She doesn't care what I do though.

I think to say that I am overestimating my role in her life is unfair. I am not her parent and never actively tried to be. I accept point about chores. But I am in her life whether she likes it or not. She doesn't have to like me but manners is different. Yes respect is earned but apart from come into her father's life I haven't done anything to disrespect her. I support their relationship, the main reason I came on here. I accept we will not have one but I should have to leave my home when she says so in order for her to come around? What is this teaching? There are ways to facilitate their relationship without resorting to that surely. I accept she feels annoyed at me being here. I can't just disappear. I do support their relationship. I also want the best for my own relationship.

meeeeh

sup_dude wrote: »

It doesn't sound like the mother has much of a problem with you at all.

Respect is earned OP. She's not a 5 year old, she's 15. Telling her to do things and expecting her to do them because of your idea of what's good for a teenager isn't going to gather respect. If she's disrespectful, it's up to her father to fix that. If she feels that it's warranted however, then I don't think even the father can fix that.

If a little brat went to a camp she would be expected to clean after herself and do chores despite her parents not being there. Her father's house is not her holiday home where she should be served and not expected to pull her weight just because her father is not around.

Op, I think it's up to your partner to resolve issues and mend bridges with his daughter. At the moment the madam is making sure everything revolves around her. Unlike most teenagers who fall out with their parents she has two places to stay so she can blackmail one or the other parent. I don't know what the solution is but I am pretty sure that if you two give her time, she will fall out with her mother about something and arrive at your door.

A_Sober_Paddy

CaraMay wrote: »

She's the adult, she shouldn't be keeping score. Being a step mother is the most thankless job in the world, anyone who expects otherwise is greatly disillusioned. In most cases, the most you can expect is to ultimately become friends with them but that's it.

Its not about keeping score, its about give and take

Ave Sodalis

meeeeh wrote: »

If a little brat went to a camp she would be expected to clean after herself and do chores despite her parents not being there. Her father's house is not her holiday home where she should be served and not expected to pull her weight just because her father is not around.

Op, I think it's up to your partner to resolve issues and mend bridges with his daughter. At the moment the madam is making sure everything revolves around her. Unlike most teenagers who fall out with their parents she has two places to stay so she can blackmail one or the other parent. I don't know what the solution is but I am pretty sure that if you two give her time, she will fall out with her mother about something and arrive at your door.

I would assume the camp leaders would be in a position of authority over the girl. The OP is not. As already said, nobody is suggesting the daughter does nothing.

I think there's something a bit more going on than just falling out with her father and it's an unfair assumption to make about her falling out with her mother.

Dellnum

I think that the trouble here is that this girl is 15. 15 year old girls can be very very hard to get along with and it doesn't matter whether you are her mother or her step mother. In my opinion you are being way too sensitive here, because you have no experience of 15 year old girls. She will grow out of her rudeness so try not to take it personally. She is a brat, and will torment you no matter how nice you are to her. In fact you would be better off being indifferent to her behaviour. She is walking all over you because you show you care. That is the nature of 15 year old brats. They usually grow out of it. I would not dance around her trying to please her and I certainly would not be apologising to her. Just continue to be a reasonable human being and I see no reason why you should treat her with kid gloves. If she leaves things on the ground she should be asked to pick them up etc. etc.
Unfortunately, if she thinks she is getting to you she will make your life a hell. It is all so unfair but you will never win with this young Miss and the harder you try the worse it will get. The only thing that will work with her is to just be a reasonable step mother and don't show how much you care if she annoys you. Fortunately, she will grow out of this behaviour but it could take 5 - 7 years I am afraid, so don't put your life on hold because of her.

She is also looking for attention from her father and trying to annoy him too, so tell him not to pander to her.

CaraMay

A_Sober_Paddy wrote: »

Its not about keeping score, its about give and take

Are you a step mother? If not, the you can't fully understand the politucs

njs030

A_Sober_Paddy wrote: »

Its not about keeping score, its about give and take

I actually laughed when I read this. Clearly you haven't had many dealings with teenage girls!!
Teenage girls are hellish little demons for their parents let alone outsiders- that's why nature gave the parents 15 years to grow to love them. I have one myself who woke up one morning and decided she'd like to disagree with everything one minute and be a little girl needing guidance the next.
Parents give and children take, there's very little self-awareness in the teenage years!!


Teenagers are hard, hard work and as I said before the op should stop trying to enforce her ideas and allow the child and father to have a relationship, if that means being the adult and accepting the child's wants and needs come first then so be it.

meeeeh

sup_dude wrote: »

I would assume the camp leaders would be in a position of authority over the girl. The OP is not. As already said, nobody is suggesting the daughter does nothing.

Considering her parents are quite happy to leave her alone with OP she is the person of authority. If they are happy for her to collect the girl, get her clothes, take her to cinema and so on then they should also afford her some authority over child (and I think they do) and they should also instruct daughter to do what she is told when alone with op. When my kids are staying with their grandparents or child minder, I fully expect them to do what they are told.

Ellie2008

She is also looking for attention from her father and trying to annoy him too, so tell him not to pander to her.[/quote]

Of course 15 year olds are hard going & she is possibly being a little madam but it's not the OP s place to tell her what to do. Let the parents do the parenting. The OP has her own views on how teenagers should behave that s fine when she has her own teenager she can act on these views this is somebody else s teenager, let the actual parents do their job.

If the child is being disrespectful etc let the father call her out on it, if the mother contradicts him that's for the parents to work out between themselves.

The OP s role in all of this is to have a relationship with the man who has a child. The child has decided she doesn't like the OP who by her own admission has made mistakes when it came to the child & is a blunt person. We all make mistakes but mistakes have consequences. The child may never have liked her anyways perhaps she wanted her daddy all to herself & resents the change & what probably feels like somewhat of an intrusion into their lives to her.

The important thing is that the father isn't left upset at not seeing the child & if the child is happy to see her father without the OP they should do that.

LegacyUser

Supdude I don't know why you feel there is something more going on. There isn't. I've been very straight as I am here to get help not to make myself look like some kind of martyr.

I fully support their relationship and have no problem with them doing things without me, in fact I would rather it but I won't leave my home because she says she won't come if I'm here. On a more practical note all my family are from the north, we live in the South, where would I go. I wouldn't burden friends.

I also have plenty of experience with teenagers as I work with them on a daily basis. So I am aware of what they are like. Granted I work with males.

My only concern is not her feelings towards me but her relationship with her dad. I can put her attitude towards me aside to focus on that. She needs a relationship with him, I have a fantastic one with my own dad and wouldn't deny anyone that.

Today my fiancé said he would bring her shopping for Christmas and she could get what she wants. She said she is going shopping with her mother and mother's partner so just give her the money and that would be grand. We gave her 300 euro. He is gutted and told her he was upset she wouldn't go with him, just the two of them. She said there is no point going shopping twice. He tried to reason with her but she got annoyed. Her mother then text my partner telling him he is a failure as a father and a myriad of other things.

MouseTail

Stressederica wrote: »

I suggested counselling, my partner and I have gone together for a pre - marriage type thing and it was great and very helpful so I suggested to bring her along. He was on board but her mother said no
.

On the above OP, it would have been very inappropriate to bring a teenage child into this session. The child's mother was absolutely correct to veto it.

I think all you can do here is encourage a relationship between your partner and his daughter. Let them meet and do things without you. I think you did overstep boundaries, but in time your relationship may be repaired, but the priority is to do everything you can to repair the relationship between her and her father.

LegacyUser

Mousetail, she wasn't going to sit in pre marriage course it was family counselling with a counsellor who specialises in blended families. How is that inappropriate?

Also how did I overstep boundaries? Aside from chores issue that has already been addressed.

Ellie2008

MouseTail wrote: »

On the above OP, it would have been very inappropriate to bring a teenage child into this session. The child's mother was absolutely correct to veto it.

I think all you can do here is encourage a relationship between your partner and his daughter. Let them meet and do things without you. I think you did overstep boundaries, but in time your relationship may be repaired, but the priority is to do everything you can to repair the relationship between her and her father.

I hope the OP isn't taking this too badly.

You are clearly mad about this man and you said you waited a long time to find him. Perhaps because you love him so very much you were eager to bond with his child, I think you used the word bond in your OP. I personally wouldn't date a man with a child because I wouldn't be able to handle the politics neither would I want his ex in my life.

This child has made it quite clear what she wants - she wants you to leave her alone and to preferably get out of her father's life. So saying stuff like you don't think it's acceptable that you always have to be out when her & her father meet is a little pointless in the circumstances. She doesn't like you, she doesn't want to spend time with you, possibly she ll grow out of it possibly she won't.

As I've said I'd just let the pair of them at it, it's not really important whether you have any place in her life, it would be nice of course, but if she doesn't want it she doesn't want it.

LegacyUser

Ellie2008
I've said and I really mean I want them to have a relationship and without me involved is fine by me.
I do think it's unacceptable that people suggest I leave my own home in order for this to happen. I disagree with you saying it's pointless. I want to facilitate this so that everyone can be happy, myself included.

No I am not taking it badly at all, I appreciate many of the constructive answers.

ash23

Hi OP. I'm on both sides of this as a woman with a man who has a child and as a woman with a child and a new partner.

My teen daughter and boyfriend get on great but at times she is resentful of his presence. What I've done is chat to her on a regular enough basis about how she's finding things with him living here and doing things just me and her regularly. So far, so good.
There was one occasion where he told her to do something and she really did not like it. And she's a really good kid, does what I tell her, helps around the house and is good in school. But it rubbed her up the wrong way when he did so I spoke to him about it and spoke to her and pretty much told them both that it's accepted she will be respectful and polite to him but telling her to clean her room, do the dishes, do her homework etc is my place and not his. It was the first and so far, last time it happened and they've been getting on great.

From his child's point of view, I tag along on occasional visits, she comes over to us now and then but mostly he visits her on her own patch and on his own. So my relationship with her wouldn't be as strong as his is with my child but with her, she's not living here, she has her mum whereas my child doesn't have her dad......you just have to factor those things in because it does complicate things because there's a loyalty there to the biological parents etc. She likes me and I like her but I know she prefers to have dad go to her place instead of coming here and that's OK. My child prefers having me to herself too. It's nothing personal.

Anyway, my advice would be for your fiancee and his daughter to talk openly and honestly about their relationship and how it can be improved. He should absolutely tell her she is to be respectful to you, as she is to any adult and outline the house rules for the house but you need to keep out of it. It just isn't your place.
Start from scratch and make sure he keeps the lines of communication open with her and hopefully things will improve and you and her can get along a bit better.

CaraMay

Just stand back op and let her build her relationship with her father. He needs to put in the effort to go see her too.

Ellie2008

Stressederica wrote: »

Ellie2008
I've said and I really mean I want them to have a relationship and without me involved is fine by me.
I do think it's unacceptable that people suggest I leave my own home in order for this to happen. I disagree with you saying it's pointless. I want to facilitate this so that everyone can be happy, myself included.

No I am not taking it badly at all, I appreciate many of the constructive answers.

No I wouldn't necessarily think you have to leave your house, can he take her out for dinner etc.

What I meant by pointless is she doesn't appear to want you around, how can that be resolved it can't really be I don't think.
Saying stuff to her mother like can you come get me out of here type thing when you aren't even spending time in the same room, a text which she probably meant you to see isn't a good sign.

It depends what you mean by happy, is it possible for all of you to be happy with her not wanting you in her life & her mother stirring the pot probably not. That doesn't mean you can't have a wonderful relationship with her father who quite clearly loves you, I don't see you having one with her. Could you be happy with that? Letting them do their thing separately to you?

Ellie2008

Today my fiancé said he would bring her shopping for Christmas and she could get what she wants. She said she is going shopping with her mother and mother's partner so just give her the money and that would be grand. We gave her 300 euro. He is gutted and told her he was upset she wouldn't go with him, just the two of them. She said there is no point going shopping twice. He tried to reason with her but she got annoyed. Her mother then text my partner telling him he is a failure as a father and a myriad of other things.[/

That s a tough one, the mother sounds like she has serious issues. Did your partner leave her when they broke up? Why would she feel the need to tell him he is "a failure as a father", why because he had a fight with a spoilt bratty 15 year old? Sounds pretty par for the course to me. I have sympathy for you in that the mother sounds like she has some serious serious issues.

€300 is a lot of cash for a 15 year old, easy to say but perhaps he should have been firmer and not given her the money? If my father told me something at 15 I bloody well did it, and I wasn't getting €300 for it either but then it was different in that my mother wasn't seeking to undermine him at turn.