Am I an alcoholic? Please help.

susan2k15

Hi there,

I would like some unbiast advice regarding my drinking.

First off, I'm a 24 year old woman and many of my friends love to drink - and drink quite a lot.

I consider myself to be a problem drinker, however, I am unsure of whether I should keep working to further manage my issue with alcohol or if I should completely abstain from alcohol. I am rather uncomfortable discussing some of the main reasons why I believe this and with friends I do discuss it with (both responsible and irrepsonsible drinkers) tell me that I don't need to go off drink for good.

As I am posting anonymously, I thought I should share some of the most private reasons for why I feel I should give up alcohol.

I am/was a very binge drinker. I use to drink a bottle of wine before heading to the pub then continue to have anywhere from 5-10 drinks (pints or brandy or both) and more often than not, shots of some sort (tequila, baby guinness, jagerbombs). I use to blackout every few weeks/months, never really get sick. I am a lightweight drinker (tipsy after 2 pints, drunk after 3). Although, I am a lightweight drinker, when I get drunk I will not stop drinking and can consume alarmingly large amounts of alcohol for my 5ft2 frame.

I now drink 1 bottle of beer or less before I head out, avoid shots and stick to pints and maybe a brandy at the end of the night. I briefly went to counselling and am on antidepressants and now feel much more in control of my drinking due to the fact that my moods are so much more stable.

Previosuly, I use to drink because I was so uncomfortable in how I looked or how socialable I was - I drank to escape feelings of inadequacy. I am a very funny person to be around when I'm drunk and tend to get on great with others when drinking - people love having me around for a session and much of my self-esteem is/was based on happy I feel when drinking and how well others percieve me.

I drink one night every second week and don't seem to crave it so much other than this so naturally others don't assume I would be the "traditional" type of alcholic as I don't appear to have a phsycial dependency.

Although, I feel much more in control of my drinking - part of me wonders if this is me deluding myself in order to continue drinking and not face facts. I know that if I continue to drink, I cannot promise myself or anyone else that I won't ever go on an absolute bender or blackout. I often feel guilty about drinking even if I have no reason to regret the previous night - I feel guilty about the past and things I have let happen and blame myself.

When I was 18, I got blackout drunk and had vague flashbacks of being sexually assaulted by a stranger - my dress was still on and he had me in a strangle hold while he committed the act. I remember crying, saying stop and calling for my grandfather (who was dead 5 years at the time). After he was done, he invited his other friend into the room to also have sex with me. Needless to say, it was a traumatic way to lose my virginity however it is hard for me to feel remorse for myself when I continued to put myself in vulnerable situtations countless times since this incidence.

Years later, I fell in love but was still very much a problem drinker at the time. I again, got blackout drunk, kissed another man (after a bottle of wine + a pint of straight whiskey), told my BF (even though he would have never found out) who dumped me and has resented me ever since (and rightfully so). I had a complete mental breakdown after our relationship ended and have slowly come to terms with the guilt and anger at myself.

These are only two examples, clearly the two worst consquences of my drinking but it is clear to see that I have no regard for my personal safety or well being when I go on a binge.

So yeah, now, I feel that I am drinking because I enjoy it and not to escape my issues as I am trying to improve myself mentally. I feel much more aware of my drinking and avoid it if I feel that I am doing it because I feel upset/down.

I just don't know whether my drinking is only problematic because of how I feel about myself or if I should never drink again because it will always be problematic for me, regardless of my mental state or wellbeing?

I would appreciate any advice from people who have struggled with drinking. I know it is truly up to me to decide but I thought an outside perspective (not friends/family) might be helpful.

Ps. Apologies for the terribly long, scattered post!

Thanks,
Susan.

quarefarmers

Hi well done on your post,realising you might have a problem is the first step,
Nobody here can answer,i would suggest seeing your doctor who could refer you to a specialst,i would suggest maybe going to few aa meetings see what you make of it and continue on from there,best of luck!

susan2k15

quarefarmers wrote: »

Hi well done on your post,realising you might have a problem is the first step,
Nobody here can answer,i would suggest seeing your doctor who could refer you to a specialst,i would suggest maybe going to few aa meetings see what you make of it and continue on from there,best of luck!

Hi,

Thank you for reading and responding. I have went to my doc, am taking anti-depressants and he has referred me to a specialist. I have been waiting to see a specialist for nearly 5 months. I just came on here because I can't imagine going to an AA meeting and having to stand up and say such personal things about myself. I just don't know if my issue with drinking is only relative to my emotional well-being or if I will always be a problematic drinker and need to stop drinking forever.

quarefarmers

Meetings are fine you don't have to say anything if you don't want to,you will find good people there you can talk to

ratser

hi.
i dont know the answer to your question. i think you need to give yourself a breather - ie abstain for a while - dont stop socialising etc. maybe initially you could try a non alcoholic beer as suggested in similiar threads. it might deflect the peer pressure. by deciding you are giving it up it automatically lifts the pressure off you. for eg you know you are going to be fresh and ready for action on a sunday or monday morning. it will open you mind to new opportunities as you are not constantly thinking about drink.
just my thoughts. dont know if its any good for you.

susan2k15

ratser wrote: »

hi.
i dont know the answer to your question. i think you need to give yourself a breather - ie abstain for a while - dont stop socialising etc. maybe initially you could try a non alcoholic beer as suggested in similiar threads. it might deflect the peer pressure. by deciding you are giving it up it automatically lifts the pressure off you. for eg you know you are going to be fresh and ready for action on a sunday or monday morning. it will open you mind to new opportunities as you are not constantly thinking about drink.
just my thoughts. dont know if its any good for you.

I am planning to go off it for 90 days for New Years and see how it goes. I don't want to go off it before Christmas because I have too many social obligations and too many questions. I think I can pass it off as I'm off it to lose weight in the new year instead of saying I think I'm an alco and my friends will be like you're grand just don't drink so much when I don't feel I have 100% control to do so. The fear of how much more bad **** can I let happen before I realise I can't drink is a growing concern - I hurt my ex too much with one stupid mistake to ever do that again to anyone and can't imagine having to go through hating myself for anything like that again.

Non-alcoholic beer is a good idea, hadn't thought of that before - thank you!

Amazingfun

Susan there was a woman in AA (Marty Mann), one of the first female members I believe, who urged those who were unclear as to whether or not they were really alcoholic to try this:

We do not like to pronounce any individual as alcoholic, but you can quickly diagnose yourself. Step over to the nearest barroom and try some controlled drinking. Try to drink and stop abruptly. Try it more than once. It will not take long for you to decide, if you are honest with yourself about it. It may be worth a bad case of jitters if you get a full knowledge of your condition.

And I noted above you have already engaged in the practice of switching drinks, etc. This is also from the Big Book, same chapter as above "More About Alcoholism":

Despite all we can say, many who are real alcoholics are not
going to believe they are in that class. By every form of selfdeception
and experimentation, they will try to prove themselves
exceptions to the rule, therefore non-alcoholic.

If anyone who is showing inability to control his drinking can
do the right-about-face and drink like a gentleman, our hats are off
to him. Heaven knows, we have tried hard enough and long enough
to drink like other people!

Here are some of the methods we have tried:
Drinking beer only, limiting the number of drinks, never drinking alone, never
drinking in the morning, drinking only at home, never having it in
the house, never drinking during business hours, drinking only at
parties, switching from scotch to brandy, drinking only natural
wines, agreeing to resign if ever drunk on the job, taking a trip, not
taking a trip, swearing off forever (with and without a solemn oath),
taking more physical exercise, reading inspirational books, going to
health farms and sanitariums, accepting voluntary commitment to
asylums—we could increase the list ad infinitum.

http://anonpress.org/bb/Page_30.htm

Bonniedog

If you think it is a problem then it probably is. I had a bit of argument with Amazingfun regarding AA, which was not for me but you can attend meetings and just listen. If for no other reason you realize that you are not the only person for whom drinking is a problem.

I am only three weeks off again after one or two failed attempts, so god knows I am no expert, but one thing I did learn and hopefully will stand to me this time is that you need to really want to give up, and you need to plan when to give up, and what you will replace the time, and perhaps even the company, with.

I hope it works out for you.

JupiterKid

OP - it sounds like you are on the cusp - or close to crossing that line - from heavy drinking into full blown alcoholism. But you and only you can decide if you have a problem and learn to remedy it. AA is a good starting point. You don't have to speak at their meetings - just go and listen.

Try to stop drinking for a month. If you can manage that, well and good. If you can't - then you might have a serious problem on your hands. I crossed that line myself several years ago and am still trying to claw myself out of the abyss of the demon drink. It has brought me to dark, dark places that I never want to see again.

All I can say is this: before I gave up alcohol, the idea of life without alcohol seemed empty. What would I do with all my time? How would I relax? How would I unwind? Where would my relief, my escape, be? How could I possibly unravel all those ridiculously powerful Irish cultural connections between alcohol, tradition and having a good time? Getting ossified was always my reward, that deep vacuum into which I dumped the stresses of life.

Without all those days and times of drinking (to excess, always), the world seemed so singularly empty and, yes, scary when I thought about it more.

Almost two years later: it was all balderdash. Truly, never had I convinced myself so much about something that was so utterly wrongheaded. I do not miss alcohol in the slightest. That was my big fear, so I'd like to emphasis that reality now to anybody who has the same fear of giving up alcohol.


There's so much going on I can't conceive of having the energy (above all else) to go out and get plastered. I get home from work and from collecting my baby and from doing a masters in the evening and I am utterly exhausted. The only thing I want is sleep. It seems like a lifetime ago since I was coming straight home to get drunk in complete freedom, each and every evening. I achieved nothing in those years. Zero. No progress in career, mind, soul, intelligence. Resting on the laurels of my existing qualifications. Wasted years, and time now is the most precious thing of all (you only realise this when you lead a more full life).

Give it up, at least for a while. See how that goes. Find a new hobby, something you can grow with. I assure you that you'll not miss it near as much as you fear you might. There's a great world out here to embrace. Start noticing the simple things; the lovely fresh mornings, the sound of birds in the trees, the sound of water. Live.

Bonniedog

Nothing needs be added to that anamcheasta.

Gerry T

I'm not sure your an alcoholic. When under stress do you need a drink to cope. When important things are happening do you let yourself and other people close to you down by drinking? In a nutshell is there a dependence on drink?
You do sound like a heavy drinker and that you get drunk quickly, while you may make a fool of yourself that's a lesson you are slow to learn. Try keep to your limit, slow down your drinking, alternate a alcoholic drink with non alcoholic works.
As for you blaming yourself for finding yourself in vulnerable positions, that is silly but in no way is it your fault if some scumbag takes advantage of you. I'm so sorry you had that experience at 18, one that you are zero percent responsible for. You were taken advantage of by a preying evil thing. Your drinking sounds like a way for you to escape, getting professional councillor for what you were put through would be my advise and my best wishes to you.

susan2k15

Deleted User wrote: »

All I can say is this: before I gave up alcohol, the idea of life without alcohol seemed empty. What would I do with all my time? How would I relax? How would I unwind? Where would my relief, my escape, be? How could I possibly unravel all those ridiculously powerful Irish cultural connections between alcohol, tradition and having a good time? Getting ossified was always my reward, that deep vacuum into which I dumped the stresses of life.

Without all those days and times of drinking (to excess, always), the world seemed so singularly empty and, yes, scary when I thought about it more.

Almost two years later: it was all balderdash. Truly, never had I convinced myself so much about something that was so utterly wrongheaded. I do not miss alcohol in the slightest. That was my big fear, so I'd like to emphasis that reality now to anybody who has the same fear of giving up alcohol.


There's so much going on I can't conceive of having the energy (above all else) to go out and get plastered. I get home from work and from collecting my baby and from doing a masters in the evening and I am utterly exhausted. The only thing I want is sleep. It seems like a lifetime ago since I was coming straight home to get drunk in complete freedom, each and every evening. I achieved nothing in those years. Zero. No progress in career, mind, soul, intelligence. Resting on the laurels of my existing qualifications. Wasted years, and time now is the most precious thing of all (you only realise this when you lead a more full life).

Give it up, at least for a while. See how that goes. Find a new hobby, something you can grow with. I assure you that you'll not miss it near as much as you fear you might. There's a great world out here to embrace. Start noticing the simple things; the lovely fresh mornings, the sound of birds in the trees, the sound of water. Live.

Thank you for your kind, insightful words. Apologies for the delay, I was slightly overwhlemed by peoples responses. I've decided to give up drink for 12 months. Initially, I've told friends its for 3 months and for health reason. They all think I'm crazy, being heavy drinkers themselves, of course, they don't realise that I am depressed and cry nearly every few days which is still a vast improvement from a few months ago. I'm the party, happy out type so its a huge adustment. I will re-assess on whether I want to go back drinking once I hopefully feel well again and find other hobbies outside of being plastered and rebuild my self-esteem.

I realised I can't try to resolve my depression while continuing to drink, given my pattern of drinking, moderation isn't sustainable for the foreseeable future at least.

I'm going to my first AA meeting. Ironic, my father is a recovering alcoholic for 25 years and has not once thought I had a problem drinking despite picking me plastered throughout my teenage years. I never thought I was bad enough to go to AA but I don't want to wait until I end up in A&E or **** knows what else before I decide to at least try.

Thank you again for your words.

susan2k15

Also, as much as I've succeed with moderating my drink consumption in the past 6 months, I've still f*cked up. I've created a dangerous pattern of drinking and simply trying to muster the will to moderate, like normal people do, doesn't work for me when I've built my whole sense of persona and identity on being the drunk, party animal.

In the past 6 month, despite my efforts, I've still blacked out twice. Once, at home, drinking wine without even realising I had drunk much (not trying to intentionally make myself black out just watching a movie). I was then told that during my 3 hour blackout, I kept going into the wardrobe looking for narnia and Paulo (I don't know a Paulo), much to the amusement of others.

The second incident, I found myself tipsy (on a Wednesday) and decided to go f*ck it, yolo get as drunk as you want (your ex doesn't care anymore), nobody cares what you do. This resulted in me blacking out for 8 hours, waking up in a hotel with 2 guys with no idea how I got there (neither of them tried anything apparently and despite how much craic they said I was, were concerned that they had to keep pulling off a bottle of captain morgan on me that I tried downing at 5 in the morning). I got fined 60 euro by the hotel for noise complaints and then drove to work completely pissed at 2pm in the day (5 hours late) and sent myself home an hour later realising how pissed I acutally was (I am an office manager!).

The funny thing is I didn't care. I wouldn't have cared if I had sex with one of those random guys. I didn't care about myself. I wasn't even surprised nor were my friends, it was just seen as another funny drunk story.

I don't want to be that person or need to be, but I can't change without removing alcohol from my life. I have been too afraid to do that because of what others will think when all I should really care is what I think of myself, which is frankly and clearly, not a lot right now.

susan2k15

Also, as much as I've succeed with moderating my drink consumption in the past 6 months, I've still f*cked up. I've created a dangerous pattern of drinking and simply trying to muster the will to moderate, like normal people do, doesn't work for me when I've built my whole sense of persona and identity on being the drunk, party animal.

In the past 6 months, despite my efforts (my reflex to numb myself with drink), I've still blacked out twice. Once, at home, drinking wine without even realising I had drunk much (not trying to intentionally make myself black out just watching a movie). I was then told that during my 3 hour blackout, I kept going into the wardrobe looking for narnia (that magical place?) and Paulo (I don't know a Paulo), much to the amusement of others.

The second incident, I found myself tipsy (on a Wednesday) and decided to go f*ck it, yolo get as drunk as you want (your ex doesn't care anymore), nobody cares what you do. This resulted in me blacking out for 8 hours, waking up in a hotel with 2 guys with no idea how I got there (neither of them tried anything apparently and despite how much craic they said I was, were concerned and jokingly called me an alco as they had to keep pulling off a bottle of captain morgan off me that I downed most of at 5 in the morning). I got fined 60 euro by the hotel for noise complaints and then drove to work completely pissed at 2pm in the day (5 hours late) and sent myself home an hour later realising how pissed I acutally was (I am an office manager!). I think Ireland must be the only country where that can possibly be seen as a funny story by some people. Of course, I've created an attitude of how I don't care about how much I drink publically to others so probably harder to express concern when I don't express it to others (outside of anonymously on this thread of course).

The funny thing is I didn't care at the time. I wouldn't have cared if I had sex with one of those random guys. I don't even want to think about driving drunk because it is such appauling, ridiculously dangerous behaviour. I actually put road users at risk and that is terrifying regardless of the fact, that nothing bad happened on that single incident.

I didn't care about myself (or others whilst driving other the influence).

I don't want to be that person or need to be, but I can't change without removing alcohol from my life. I have been too afraid to commit to it before because of what others will think (I will lose my closest friend of 10 years) when all I should really care is what I think of myself, which is frankly and clearly, is not a lot right now.

syklops

You say you are on anti-depressants. Alcohol and Anti-depressants do not mix. At all. Take it from someone whose been there. I was on them for a while and the few times I drank on them my tolerance was reduced by about 70% and it caused me to behave erratically. Im surprised your doctor didnt tell you not to drink while on them.

I suggest you abstain during your course of medication and use the time to think about your relationship with alcohol.

Baron Kurtz

Driving under the influence would be a huge concern here btw. Please address this. I can empathise with your predicament, which from the outset was a question to decipher between hardcore binging or alcoholism, but now factor ing in this latest revelation it's just not on at all. This needs to be sorted out now and it's a lot more serious than your feeling low about yourself - no one else's lives have to needlessly be interfered with because of your problems.

susan2k15

syklops wrote: »

You say you are on anti-depressants. Alcohol and Anti-depressants do not mix. At all. Take it from someone whose been there. I was on them for a while and the few times I drank on them my tolerance was reduced by about 70% and it caused me to behave erratically. Im surprised your doctor didnt tell you not to drink while on them.

I suggest you abstain during your course of medication and use the time to think about your relationship with alcohol.

My GP is great. I use to hate going to him before because he would ask a million questions and keep me for nearly an hour whenever I need a repeat prescription. He knows well that I am telling him f**ck all. He gave me ones that you can drink on (as opposed to others that strictly say you can't drink with). He did this simply because he knew I wasn't going to recognise to give up drink completely. Hes referred me to an addicition outpatient program (waiting 6 months now) and I am looking forward to seeing him when I am 30 days sober. He is literally one of two people who can see through my facade created by drink. I didn't want to give up drinking before, partially, because I wanted to keep up the illusion that I am okay to others and because I was too depressed to even try. I drank two days over Xmas and cried for days and days after so ya it really affects my medication.

susan2k15

Baron Kurtz wrote: »

Driving under the influence would be a huge concern here btw. Please address this. I can empathise with your predicament, which from the outset was a question to decipher between hardcore binging or alcoholism, but now factor ing in this latest revelation it's just not on at all. This needs to be sorted out now and it's a lot more serious than your feeling low about yourself - no one else's lives have to needlessly be interfered with because of your problems.

Yes, I haven't repeated that incident. I was beyond shocked that I did that as I would normally get a bus or a lift, the rest of it not so surprising. But I did it and I need to take accountability of doing it, which is partly admitting to strangers that I have done it. I lost a friend due to drink driving so I of all people, should've known better. I haven't got excessively drunk since that incident but have decided I need to completely abstain for the foreseeable future because I can't risk it ever reoccurring and sadly, I don't think I can promise to myself that nothing bad will happen if I continue to drink. I realise there is no point being ashamed of it if I put myself in situations that allow my judgement to become so seriously impaired again.

gordongekko

Where were your friends that they let you off pissed with two random guys?

susan2k15

gordongekko wrote: »

Where were your friends that they let you off pissed with two random guys?

It was a Wednesday night, they went home because they had work in the morning and I assured them that I would go home after 1 more drink. I walked into a pub and made friends with a bunch of lads (I would be too shy to even talk to one sober) and yeah I wasn't as drunk before they left. But its happened plenty of times before, my friends are heavy drinkers so they can hardly mind themselves, nevermind me. I can't expect people to mind me when I do it all the time, it becomes norm.

Another time, I woke up in a basement with 3 guys with no idea how I got there. They actually took me home because they were too afraid to leave me by myself with a broken phone and no money and partly cause I was such a "hilarious" drunk. When I got home the next day, my friends just assumed I had found a man.

Believe it or not, I'm not even the most wreckless of drinkers compared to one of my friends.

susan2k15

Baron Kurtz wrote: »

Driving under the influence would be a huge concern here btw. Please address this. I can empathise with your predicament, which from the outset was a question to decipher between hardcore binging or alcoholism, but now factor ing in this latest revelation it's just not on at all. This needs to be sorted out now and it's a lot more serious than your feeling low about yourself - no one else's lives have to needlessly be interfered with because of your problems.

It was also this incident that gave me the answer to my question...regardless of whether or not its "just" hardcore binging or the onset of becoming an alcoholic, I have to stop drinking. When I try to moderate, I feel anxiety days before going out and throughout the night with the fear that something could trigger me to go overboard. I realise this is not normal.

I didn't drink at my work xmas party (from 7pm-5.30am!) out of the fear that I tend to binge drink when I feel socially awkward. I am now committed to staying sober regardless of whether anyone else thinks I have a problem or not because for me, at least it is definitely a problem.

Stealthfins

susan2k15 wrote:

Although, I feel much more in control of my drinking - part of me wonders if this is me deluding myself in order to continue drinking and not face facts. I know that if I continue to drink, I cannot promise myself or anyone else that I won't ever go on an absolute bender or blackout. I often feel guilty about drinking even if I have no reason to regret the previous night - I feel guilty about the past and things I have let happen and blame myself.

susan2k15 wrote:

My GP is great. I use to hate going to him before because he would ask a million questions and keep me for nearly an hour whenever I need a repeat prescription. He knows well that I am telling him f**ck all. He gave me ones that you can drink on (as opposed to others that strictly say you can't drink with). He did this simply because he knew I wasn't going to recognise to give up drink completely. Hes referred me to an addicition outpatient program (waiting 6 months now) and I am looking forward to seeing him when I am 30 days sober. He is literally one of two people who can see through my facade created by drink. I didn't want to give up drinking before, partially, because I wanted to keep up the illusion that I am okay to others and because I was too depressed to even try. I drank two days over Xmas and cried for days and days after so ya it really affects my medication.

Honestly there's no antidepressants which work effectively combined with alcohol.

A doctor who suggests prescription of antidepressants,and sure drink away would be struck off the list.

Alcohol is cunning baffling and powerful,it'll use any excuse to keep you drinking.

But I don't think any GP would suggest drinking or tell a depressed person to drink away on meds.

I wish you luck,from experience once I lost control of my drinking,I was never ever able to regain the original buzz of good old John Barleycorn....

syklops

susan2k15 wrote: »

He gave me ones that you can drink on (as opposed to others that strictly say you can't drink with). He did this simply because he knew I wasn't going to recognise to give up drink completely.

There are ones you can drink on, there are ones that explicitly say you must not. I'm saying don't drink on either type, and again Im speaking from experience.

susan2k15 wrote: »

Hes referred me to an addicition outpatient program (waiting 6 months now) and I am looking forward to seeing him when I am 30 days sober. He is literally one of two people who can see through my facade created by drink. I didn't want to give up drinking before, partially, because I wanted to keep up the illusion that I am okay to others and because I was too depressed to even try. I drank two days over Xmas and cried for days and days after so ya it really affects my medication.

Are you really waiting 6 months to see this addiction specialist? I'd say quit waiting for the specialist and start figuring this out your self.

I drink one night every second week and don't seem to crave it so much other than this so naturally others don't assume I would be the "traditional" type of alcholic as I don't appear to have a phsycial dependency.

You drink one night every second week? So skip one of the nights out and you are sober for 28 days already. At this point I should say I don't like using the word sober in this manner, but thats for another thread.

deisedays

I used to drink regularly in a social context in my early mid twenties. It was the usual "going for a few pints" stuff people that age do.
I gave up drinking entirely in my late twenties- I was playing a lot of GAA and was into fitness. I didn't drink for an entire year
After a year away from booze I had a pint of beer at a social event. I was amazed at how much I didn't like the taste of beer that I previously thought was lovely stuff.
Even years later drink has never again held the same appeal for me as it did when I was younger. I may or may not take a drink now at social occasions, and it is exactly that- what I have - A drink- one beer or one glass of wine and no more than that.
In summary I think there are huge benefits in taking a break from drink whether you think you have a problem or not.
I don't think I ever had a problem with drink but maybe it's better to knock drinking on the head before it becomes a problem !

Baron Kurtz

susan2k15 wrote: »

It was also this incident that gave me the answer to my question...regardless of whether or not its "just" hardcore binging or the onset of becoming an alcoholic, I have to stop drinking. When I try to moderate, I feel anxiety days before going out and throughout the night with the fear that something could trigger me to go overboard. I realise this is not normal.

I didn't drink at my work xmas party (from 7pm-5.30am!) out of the fear that I tend to binge drink when I feel socially awkward. I am now committed to staying sober regardless of whether anyone else thinks I have a problem or not because for me, at least it is definitely a problem.

Well the socially awkward side is a trigger and you successfully side-stepped that aspect of it so that's an excellent result in terms of awareness and progress. Did you hang in there until 5am to test out your endurance to abstaining or was it you didn't actually mind being in drunk people's company until then?

susan2k15

Stealthfins wrote: »

Honestly there's no antidepressants which work effectively combined with alcohol.

A doctor who suggests prescription of antidepressants,and sure drink away would be struck off the list.

Alcohol is cunning baffling and powerful,it'll use any excuse to keep you drinking.

But I don't think any GP would suggest drinking or tell a depressed person to drink away on meds.

I wish you luck,from experience once I lost control of my drinking,I was never ever able to regain the original buzz of good old John Barleycorn....

Sorry, I was being unclear. He tells me everytime I see him to stop drinking. He keeps encouraging me to stop and I can see that everytime I tell him that I still am but am trying to moderate, hes disappointed. He just chose to put me ones that didn't react as strongly with alcohol, probably as a measure of harm reduction on his side.

Drinking has always been my way of coping and of having fun so it was harder to think of giving it up when you feel down even if another part of you recognises that it is contributing hugely to the actual problem. Drinking was my way of fitting in. Its how I made friends, and how guys would like me, but whats the point when you don't even like yourself anymore.

But yes, I agree antidepressants and alcohol do not mix even for those without an issue with alcohol so I am off it now and starting AA next week and thank you, I thinking going on this thread has prompted me a lot in changing.

susan2k15

Baron Kurtz wrote: »

Well the socially awkward side is a trigger and you successfully side-stepped that aspect of it so that's an excellent result in terms of awareness and progress. Did you hang in there until 5am to test out your endurance to abstaining or was it you didn't actually mind being in drunk people's company until then?

I think it was a combination of both. It took 4 hours for people to realise I wasn't drinking and then I got a lot of strange looks and questions naturally enough. I told them that I was saving myself up for going on the tear the next day (I didn't drink the next day but it was the first excuse I thought of). I didn't plan not to drink but I had so much anxiety about knowing that I had to go that I just looked at the wine at my table and said f*ck this. We had a free bar all night and I didn't drink.

Between 3am and 5.30am was most difficult. Mostly because my friend wanted to go to this house party with these really drunk people who were after doing a rake of cocaine but ironically, they were all so f*cked they just assumed I was too!

susan2k15

syklops wrote: »

There are ones you can drink on, there are ones that explicitly say you must not. I'm saying don't drink on either type, and again Im speaking from experience.



Are you really waiting 6 months to see this addiction specialist? I'd say quit waiting for the specialist and start figuring this out your self.



You drink one night every second week? So skip one of the nights out and you are sober for 28 days already. At this point I should say I don't like using the word sober in this manner, but thats for another thread.

Sorry, I was being unclear. He tells me everytime I see him to stop drinking. He keeps encouraging me to stop and I can see that everytime I tell him that I still am but am trying to moderate, hes disappointed. He just chose to put me ones that didn't react as strongly with alcohol, probably as a measure of harm reduction on his side. I've accepted now that I can't drink on them because the difference in my mood after is not good.

Yeah waiting 6 months, which is shocking especially thinking there are so many people who have it so much worse than I do. Our health system is sh*te. The most I've learned is through boards and self-help books. I'm going to put up a post on what books and sites I've found helpful for others in a few weeks, it might help others. And I'm going to go to AA next week, f*ck the shame and stigma.

And yeah, every second weekend minmum. Sometimes twice a month, sometimes 5-6 times in a month. I've told friends I'm off it for 90 days for health reasons so they've been pretty cool about it (my closest alco friend is in UK which is frankly of huge relief.) My doc checked my B12 levels which were 70 (normal range is 200-900) so I'm taking monthly injections for the next year. Alcohol causes your body to stop absorbing B12 which can cause lack of energy and/or depression so it is really time I stop on top of the anti-depressants!

susan2k15

deisedays wrote: »

I used to drink regularly in a social context in my early mid twenties. It was the usual "going for a few pints" stuff people that age do.
I gave up drinking entirely in my late twenties- I was playing a lot of GAA and was into fitness. I didn't drink for an entire year
After a year away from booze I had a pint of beer at a social event. I was amazed at how much I didn't like the taste of beer that I previously thought was lovely stuff.
Even years later drink has never again held the same appeal for me as it did when I was younger. I may or may not take a drink now at social occasions, and it is exactly that- what I have - A drink- one beer or one glass of wine and no more than that.
In summary I think there are huge benefits in taking a break from drink whether you think you have a problem or not.
I don't think I ever had a problem with drink but maybe it's better to knock drinking on the head before it becomes a problem !

I couldn't agree with you more, hopefully, I'll feel the same in a year!

I'm joining a tag rugby club in spring, have given up smoking and hope to start hiking once I can build up some kind of fitness level with walking. Looking forward to actually forming a habit that is healthy!

Stanford

As someone who has been where you are I would offer you some unbiased and non-judgemental advice.
Firstly forget about putting labels on yourself e.g. alcoholic, heavy drinker, problem drinker etc. these only add to your guilt and won’t help your struggle. You have clearly moved past the major issue of all which is acceptance that alcohol is seriously impinging on your life, health, safety and possibly the safety of others so you must deal with that first.

Secondly from the levels of intake that you describe you are in crisis and need professional help.PLEASE DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP DRINKING COLD TURKEY. There are serious health risks involved in this including fatal seizures. Find a sympathetic GP who will provide you with appropriate medication and you may need to be admitted to hospital to be detoxed under medical supervision. This is your first vital step. After you have undertaken this you should commit to 8-10 sessions with a qualified Counselor trained in addiction treatment. You really need to make these commitments now. At your level of intake my advice is that total abstinence is going to be more successful than trying to moderate your intake because you don’t have control right now. Your GP can also prescribe medication to help with your cravings after you have stopped drinking to excess.

Alcohol is a chemical depressant so the absence of it will help your depression greatly but counseling will help you to get to the source of your personal issues which are causing your alcohol issues. Without alcohol in your system you will be surprised how soon your mood will lift, live will be more enjoyable and you will find the strength you need to radically change your life.

Take up a hobby which you enjoy as you will be amazed at the time you wasted with your “alcohol buddy”, ideally do something light and not too emotionally heavy as you will be already making changes to your psychological health which will need effort on your part.

I hope this helps but your first port of call is your GP, don’t be embarrassed, he/she will no doubt have many patients with alcohol issues. Alcoholism is now considered as a curable disease so you are not doomed to a life of addiction, help is available.

Good luck and take that first step.

G

Amazingfun

Firstly forget about putting labels on yourself e.g. alcoholic, heavy drinker, problem drinker etc. these only add to your guilt and won’t help your struggle.

Advice -or is this your personal experience Stanford?

For me, finally getting an understanding of what alcoholism is, and what my drinking and outrageous behavior with the bottle meant , did anything but "add guilt and not help my struggle"; in fact, once I accepted it, the struggle mercifully ended, thank God.

I am 3 weeks shy of being 14 years away from my last drink. I take no meds (except for thyroid replacement hormone), and I have never had to see a counselor of any description during this period. Not against it, to each their own, but I never found it necessary.

Finding out I am an alcoholic and can never, ever safely drink alcohol again felt like the end of the world in the beginning, like losing a best friend.
In reality, and as the wonderful sober years rolled by, I realized it was the best thing that ever happened to me.

Glad you are going to try an AA meeting, Susan. Welcome and good luck

Stanford

It is my advice based on my personal experience. I was trying to stress the point that from her postings the lady is clearly unable to control her drinking and hence she poses a serious risk to her continued health and safety. The first stop, in my view, is for her to stop drinking and for that she may need professional medical assistance to detox. After that it is her choice as to how she maintains her sobriety and that may need counselling help or going to AA meetings.

I have the highest regard for the work which AA does and never meant to impugn that work.

However the first urgency is for her to stop drinking safely, dealing with continued abstinence will then pose its own problems and rewards.

G

chicorytip

Alcohol is a depressant so your continued drinking is also diminishing the effects of the medication you are taking.You simply cannot combine both.
Alcohol dependency is not as difficult to overcome as it may appear. The critical thing is that the alcoholic must really, truly, deep down WANT to stop drinking. Many, unfortunately, do not.
What I would recommend for you would be a period of in - patient treatment in an addiction treatment facility. Talbott Grove in Castleisland, for instance, offers a month long residential programme incorporating excellent counselling and therapy which, crucially I think, involves the input of other family members in the treatment process.
It is expensive, of course, but there are other organisations such as Cuan Mhuire and Aisri which can cater for those who are unable to afford private treatment.
I wish you well and hope you will find both the courage and assistance you will need to overcome your difficulties.

susan2k15

Stanford wrote: »

It is my advice based on my personal experience. I was trying to stress the point that from her postings the lady is clearly unable to control her drinking and hence she poses a serious risk to her continued health and safety. The first stop, in my view, is for her to stop drinking and for that she may need professional medical assistance to detox. After that it is her choice as to how she maintains her sobriety and that may need counselling help or going to AA meetings.

I have the highest regard for the work which AA does and never meant to impugn that work.

However the first urgency is for her to stop drinking safely, dealing with continued abstinence will then pose its own problems and rewards.

G

Hi,

Thank you for your helpful advice. I get where both of you are coming from. For me, it was about finally accepting that I have a problem that if I am not already then I will likely become an alcoholic. I think its been really important to accept that internally for me because previously I was like oh I'm a binge drinker but so are all my friends and nobody even cares what I do.

But I agree with you in the sense that for me it helps not to identify or label myself to others. I am trying to get into the mindset that its just my choice not to drink now, and not just say to others that I can't because I'm an alcoholic because its not a label I want to carry - nor one I should feel the need to justify to others!

I doubt, although have little knowledge, that I would need to go to a detox treatment as my drinking was normally limited to weekends and I don't drink at home or with meals (1 attempt to "moderate").

I was always opposed to going to AA meetings but I'm older now (25) and think who cares, I'm going to go and see what I make of it. My stepfather is sober for 25 years and went to AA for the first 7 years which he stated has saved his life. I doubt its for me but I'm still willing to take any help at the moment.

I have found self-help books really helpful the past few weeks. I went out last night and was on the dry from 9pm-2.30am and drove my friends home, I actually had a good night because no one made me feel bad for not drinking so I was on a great buzz for the night!

susan2k15

chicorytip wrote: »

Alcohol is a depressant so your continued drinking is also diminishing the effects of the medication you are taking.You simply cannot combine both.
Alcohol dependency is not as difficult to overcome as it may appear. The critical thing is that the alcoholic must really, truly, deep down WANT to stop drinking. Many, unfortunately, do not.
What I would recommend for you would be a period of in - patient treatment in an addiction treatment facility. Talbott Grove in Castleisland, for instance, offers a month long residential programme incorporating excellent counselling and therapy which, crucially I think, involves the input of other family members in the treatment process.
It is expensive, of course, but there are other organisations such as Cuan Mhuire and Aisri which can cater for those who are unable to afford private treatment.
I wish you well and hope you will find both the courage and assistance you will need to overcome your difficulties.

Thank you for your advice and kind words.

Yeah I realised that over Christmas after I had a bad few days... personally, I don't think I would go to treatment facility as a) I don't know what to tell my employer and he would be less than understanding of such a situation and b) none of my friends or family (albeit my ex) think I have a drinking problem to the extent that I need to stop drinking completely nevermind go to treatment.

Although in saying that if it wasn't for that then I wouldn't mind going.

bilbot79

Don't know if it is absolutely imperative that you stay drinking. Is it imperative for anyone? However, given the risks outlined and the history I honestly think you'd be better off without. Give it up and never look back.

Lady Mac

Well done Susan you've made great progress over the Christmas. Best of luck to you!

susan2k15

Lady Mac wrote: »

Well done Susan you've made great progress over the Christmas. Best of luck to you!

Slowly but surely it seems Thank you

twibbles

Hi there Susan2k15,

I have read the thread to this point and I think that going to AA meetings is a very positive step. As another poster said you're not under any pressure to say anything. If it's a smaller meeting there's a greater chance of being asked if you have something to say. If you're not comfortable saying anything you can just state that you don't have anything to say at the moment and that you are happy to listen. That would be 100% fine.

I have never regretted giving up the drink myself. However, this was after a long period of heavy drinking. I used to black out and do regrettable things etc. In the end I just felt that it simply wasn't worth it.

It can be a challenge at times to go on the dry because a lot of socialising in this country is done in the pub. However, you can start meeting people for lunch or for coffee and so on. Or get involved in a sport. You could join the Sober Slice group on meetup.com maybe. There are plenty alcohol-free events there.

Something that you might consider doing is reading the AA Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th edition.) As far as I know it is available for free online (as a PDF) or you could purchase a hard copy at a meeting. It should be under 10 euro.

Anyway, I wish you the best of luck. You won't regret giving up alcohol. I promise you.

Twibbles.

FirefighterT7

Hi Susan2k15,

I hope life has been good to you since giving up alcohol ! Don't let it ruin your life, I can honestly say you will have a far better life without it and also will have better relationships with family/loved ones, someone close to me destroyed her and my life because of her drinking and please don't let it happen to you and yours..

PMBC

Hope you are still doing well. I stopped 30 years ago and never missed it although the first week or so it was difficult doing ordinary things. Just one or two things you mentioned that struck me. You say you are the life and soul of the party or something akin to that. But when you have consumed that much alcohol you cant possibly know that. Also your drinking mates are at the same level as yourself - well so were mine, one, my best friend died from alcohol, another is still at it, another died but not from booze and another is still going strong. I found the things I feared/was bad at such as meeti9ng new people, formal dining, talking to people for the first time, public speaking/speaking at meetings are now my strong points. I went to my doctor after being dried out a few times and failing and he helped me with medication. I suppose he took a leap of faith as my record was poor. Any way it worked and here I am now. My present circumstances are dire but drink is the last thing I would think of.
You will succeed as thousands have, for the record. Keep up your faith in yourself and best wishes

hubba

Posting this again as it's so powerful yet so sad. It really highlights the dark side of addiction.

http://www.fastcocreate.com/3039010/this-animated-short-cleverly-reveals-the-truth-about-addiction-and-its-devastating

Hunter101

Seen this before and have to say its very accurate to how i feel with drink. right now im looking positively to the future. only day one and thats no achievment but feel i can proberly do it, sorry i couldnt quote you hubba im a new user

PMBC

Hunter101 wrote: »

Seen this before and have to say its very accurate to how i feel with drink. right now im looking positively to the future. only day one and thats no achievment but feel i can proberly do it, sorry i couldnt quote you hubba im a new user

Congratulations for your first day. Today just take it easy; one hour at a time if necessary. Days will turn into weeks, soon.
Since I and countless others could, you too can. Treat yourself to something nice at the end of today. Your'e on the right road.

Hunter101

PMBC wrote: »

Congratulations for your first day. Today just take it easy; one hour at a time if necessary. Days will turn into weeks, soon.
Since I and countless others could, you too can. Treat yourself to something nice at the end of today. Your'e on the right road.

thanks PMBC, biggest fear i have right now and it will sound stupid is the fear of never being able to drink again, how do some of ye on here stop that feeling

Lady Mac

Hunter101 wrote: »

thanks PMBC, biggest fear i have right now and it will sound stupid is the fear of never being able to drink again

Doesn't sound stupid at all. I'm not in AA but I do like the one day at a time outlook. On May 4th it will be a year since I last drank. I couldn't see how I could possibly get through the month last May never mind the year but here I am and I am so much happier without alcohol. Well done on taking the 1st step. Don't think about what's to come. Think about looking after yourself like you would a baby for the next few weeks and you can open your mind to the future a little bit more then.

Hunter101

Lady Mac wrote: »

Doesn't sound stupid at all. I'm not in AA but I do like the one day at a time outlook. On May 4th it will be a year since I last drank. I couldn't see how I could possibly get through the month last May never mind the year but here I am and I am so much happier without alcohol. Well done on taking the 1st step. Don't think about what's to come. Think about looking after yourself like you would a baby for the next few weeks and you can open your mind to the future a little bit more then.

Thank you for the advice Lady Mac, dont know whet i wouldhave done if i didnt find a forum like this. just want to say thank you to everybody on here aswell. i cant go to aa either because i cant drive but i can in just under a year if i could just get that far i know i would be fine because id have an excuse not to have to drink.

PMBC

Lady Mac wrote: »

Doesn't sound stupid at all. I'm not in AA but I do like the one day at a time outlook. On May 4th it will be a year since I last drank. I couldn't see how I could possibly get through the month last May never mind the year but here I am and I am so much happier without alcohol. Well done on taking the 1st step. Don't think about what's to come. Think about looking after yourself like you would a baby for the next few weeks and you can open your mind to the future a little bit more then.

Hunter101 that's exactly how we all felt - we needed it because we couldn't live/function without it. Since alcohol is a chemical depressant it screws up your thinking and gives you thoughts like that. Try to put them to the back of your mind for the moment and concentrate on the main job today, and for the next few days. When your system has cleared you will begin to think more rationally. It took me a long time, and a few failures, before I could see clearly that I couldn't function with alcohol. The 'buddy' system in AA is great that way as there would be someone you could confide in/phone up when temptation strikes. I support Lady Macbeth completely as she stated one day etc. Stop worrying about tomorrow and next week and concentrate on today. Also remember that we are all 'rooting' for you and thinking of you.

PMBC

Hunter101 wrote: »

Thank you for the advice Lady Mac, dont know whet i wouldhave done if i didnt find a forum like this. just want to say thank you to everybody on here aswell. i cant go to aa either because i cant drive but i can in just under a year if i could just get that far i know i would be fine because id have an excuse not to have to drink.

My AA sponsor used drive me to the meetings; he was that helpful. So ask around. Not everybody needs/makes use of AA. I didn't but still recommend it highly. Perhaps consider also talking with your doctor as you will be in a very powerful, positive position having stopped. Do you have any friends or know anyone local to you who has been through this - they also would help. All my old drinking friends have stopped except two - one is dead and the other still at it!

Amazingfun

Hunter101 wrote: »

biggest fear i have right now and it will sound stupid is the fear of never being able to drink again, how do some of ye on here stop that feeling

I found that really tough to accept, that alcohol and I just weren't working anymore, and that we had to "get a divorce"

AA is where I found my answer. Not just in meetings, although they were an important part of my staying sober, but in the AA program itself.


There is a portion of the Book called "The Doctor's Opinion". There he explained that after watching thousands of alkies in his hospital over the years, he theorized that we had something physically different going on, and he called it "a physical allergy". It means that once I take the first drink, it's like starting up a motor....I lose control of the amount I take once I start to drink. http://anonpress.org/bb/docsopin.htm

When I took that information, and went back through my drinking years, I could see that this theory fit me and my crazy obsession with boozing. I began to accept my alcoholism, and strangely enough, once I really faced the truth and stopped fighting it, it wasn't so hard anymore. I got busy with the rest of the program, and the yearning for drink was simply removed.

I am over 14 years away from it now, and I owe it all to AA.

There are meetings all over Ireland everyday, always for fun and for free:

http://www.alcoholicsanonymous.ie/Information-on-AA/Find-a-Meeting

Lots of free talks here by alcoholics who've recovered:

http://www.alcoholicsanonymous.ie/Information-on-AA/Find-a-Meeting


There is a beautiful life awaiting you, if you really, really want it.