Advertisement
If you have a new account but are having problems posting or verifying your account, please email us on hello@boards.ie for help. Thanks :)
Hello all! Please ensure that you are posting a new thread or question in the appropriate forum. The Feedback forum is overwhelmed with questions that are having to be moved elsewhere. If you need help to verify your account contact hello@boards.ie

I cheated..

Options
1246

Comments

  • Options
    #92
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    jamesieboy15 wrote: »
    Had no idea that this post would get so many replies. I know it doesn't make much of a difference but both kids are under 3 so they are too young to understand anyway. It's in years to come that it will affect them.

    Does the new woman know she's going to end up step mum to two kids under 3? The relationship seems great now as there's no responsibility but once the dust is settled and she finds she dating a separated father who has to pay maintenance for his kids (plus his wife could get spousal support) and will have to arrange large chunks of his life around access to his kids well the fun and spark of the relationship may die very quickly.


  • Options
    #93
    eviltwin
    Registered Users Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    jamesieboy15 wrote: »
    Had no idea that this post would get so many replies. I know it doesn't make much of a difference but both kids are under 3 so they are too young to understand anyway. It's in years to come that it will affect them.

    2 kids under 3, no wonder there is no passion. OP you don't need me to tell you there are periods when your sex life goes south, the response to that is not to look for a replacement. If we all did that there would be few successful relationships. You both should have spent more time on yourselves as a couple, if you love each other you might have been able to get back the intimacy you lost but I don't see how you can do that now.


  • Options
    #94
    FortySeven
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,296 ✭✭✭FortySeven


    Divorce rates

    The seven-year itch can be analyzed quantitatively. Divorce rates show a trend in couples that, on average, divorce around seven years. Statistics show that there is a low risk of separation during the first months of marriage. After the "honeymoon" months, divorce rates start to increase. Most married couples experience a gradual decline in the quality of their marriage; in recent years around the fourth year of marriage. Around the seventh year, tensions rise to a point that couples either divorce or adapt to their partner.[3]

    In samples taken from the National Center for Health Statistics, there proves to be an average median duration of marriage across time. In 1922 the median duration of marriage that ended in divorce was 6.6.[4] In 1974 the median duration was 7.5. In 1990 the median duration was 7.2. While these can fluctuate from year to year, the averages stay relatively close to the seven year mark.[5]


  • Options
    #95
    Witchie
    Registered Users Posts: 5,597 ✭✭✭Witchie


    jamesieboy15 wrote: »
    Had no idea that this post would get so many replies. I know it doesn't make much of a difference but both kids are under 3 so they are too young to understand anyway. It's in years to come that it will affect them.

    I think the only thing you can do really is to end your marriage as amicably as possible and be the best possible dad. Your kids will be fine with the new arrangements and they will become normality as long as you look after them well.


  • Options
    #96
    Ann84
    Registered Users Posts: 303 ✭✭Ann84


    jamesieboy15 wrote: »
    Had no idea that this post would get so many replies. I know it doesn't make much of a difference but both kids are under 3 so they are too young to understand anyway. It's in years to come that it will affect them.

    Now this is my personal nightmare, I marry my fiancé we have a couple of kids, wrecked tired, life altered, body changed and my husband gets bored and cheats on me... And then leaves me with 2 small kids while he lives the life of a batchelor with his bit on the side, nice catch you were...

    I mean Bored!!! With 2 kids under 3... OP your doing it wrong.

    How the hell are you finding time to date? Why are you not at home helping your wife raise children you decided to have, together?!?!?

    No wonder your so worried about being the bad guy, this is the hardest part of your lives together, why are you not working as a team? Helping each other out?! Talking about how you feel and working on it!! Feck it love is far from many peoples lives when they have 2 small babies, surviving is more true!

    However, does this mean you checked out even before baby 2? Your really not going to get much sympathy here...
    Packing in a marriage with no effort to fix things when times are toughest, wow, just wow...


  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #97
    Stheno
    Moderators, Business & Finance Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 51,687 Mod ✭✭✭✭Stheno


    OP have you thought about the consequences of ending your marriage?

    Do you both work? Will you end up paying child and spousal maintenance? Will your new girl be happy if you are under constrained finances as a result?


  • Options
    #98
    strandroad
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,676 ✭✭✭strandroad


    Both kids under 3, so last year when the OP was getting bored the younger one was just an infant... the most challenging time for any couple and OP's reaction to that was to set up dating profiles.

    OP your marriage seems beyond saving as you checked out mentally long ago and your actions just confirm it. Sort out your separation before it all blows up, give your wife this minimum of respect.


  • Options
    #99
    dudara
    Registered Users Posts: 33,519 ✭✭✭✭dudara


    Posters - please do not use PI/RI to have discussions or arguments amongst yourselves. It drags the thread off-topic. If you are not posting to offer advice to the OP, then don't post.

    dudara


  • Options
    #100
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    If you are leaving then leave which I think you probably should, but for your own sake make sure your new girlfriend doesn't want a family of her own.
    Or you'll find yourself in a similar situation as my ex brother in law....except their kids were older than yours, pre-teens New woman wanted kids so instead of getting away from the boredom of married life, bills, mortgage, child minding, lifts to soccer matches, school plays, ..he just multiplied it all by 2.
    I wonder is his not so new woman as exciting as she first was?
    Maybe he'll need to go get a third one.


  • Options
    #101
    CarrickMcJoe
    Registered Users Posts: 3,379 ✭✭✭CarrickMcJoe


    jamesieboy15 wrote: »
    Had no idea that this post would get so many replies. I know it doesn't make much of a difference but both kids are under 3 so they are too young to understand anyway. It's in years to come that it will affect them.

    You should act like an adult and not like your username. Why not seek advice from a marraige councillor?
    Don't forget you still have to support your family as well as entertain your new model.


  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #102
    dudara
    Registered Users Posts: 33,519 ✭✭✭✭dudara


    jamesieboy15 wrote: »
    No we have not...as I said, it's like the elephant in the room. I need to sit her down and discuss it with her.

    So, rather than discuss your marriage and your family with the woman you married, not even once, you chose to create a fake dating profile and met someone else. You have shown your wife, your family and your wedding vows ZERO respect. It's truly reprehensible behaviour.

    I really don't know what advice to offer you because I don't think you will pay any heed. If you can't even talk to your wife, but run off to scratch your itches instead, I don't think you're mature enough to listen to advice.

    But here goes...Stop seeing this other woman. Talk to your wife. Try to see if your relationship is over before you go in search of a new one. At least be honest.


  • Options
    #103
    MightyMandarin
    Registered Users Posts: 3,723 ✭✭✭MightyMandarin


    I'll be frank in saying that OP, you should tell your wife (after Christmas as you'll definitely ruin it if you tell her before, and most certainly ignore the other woman until then) and give her the decision whether she wants to stay with you or not.

    Quite frankly I hope she comes to her senses and leaves you as you really seem like a terrible husband, but that's just my opinion. But #1 thing to do is tell her and cut off talk with the new woman until after Christmas at least.


  • Options
    #104
    smash
    Closed Accounts Posts: 34,809 ✭✭✭✭smash


    MightyMandarin wrote: »
    I'll be frank in saying that OP, you should tell your wife and give her the decision whether she wants to stay with you or not.

    He doesn't love her. Why let her decide if she wants to be with him? In doing so he'd just be stringing her along again if it's what she wants!


  • Options
    #105
    Stheno
    Moderators, Business & Finance Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 51,687 Mod ✭✭✭✭Stheno


    smash wrote: »
    He doesn't love her. Why let her decide if she wants to be with him? In doing so he'd just be stringing her along again if it's what she wants!
    If he no longer loves his wife, then he needs to take her out some night, or sit down when the kids are in bed and say so.

    I once had to do so, it was an excruciating conversation, but one which meant we both went on to better lives for ourselves.

    It's no fun having that conversation, but at least it's honest.


  • Options
    #106
    smash
    Closed Accounts Posts: 34,809 ✭✭✭✭smash


    Stheno wrote: »
    If he no longer loves his wife, then he needs to take her out some night, or sit down when the kids are in bed and say so.

    I once had to do so, it was an excruciating conversation, but one which meant we both went on to better lives for ourselves.

    It's no fun having that conversation, but at least it's honest.

    I know. That's why I asked why he should let her decide if she wants to be with him, when he doesn't want to be with her!


  • Options
    #107
    Witchie
    Registered Users Posts: 5,597 ✭✭✭Witchie


    smash wrote: »
    He doesn't love her. Why let her decide if she wants to be with him? In doing so he'd just be stringing her along again if it's what she wants!

    Exactly. If the love is gone there is no point in sticking it out for the sake of the kids.

    Talk to her now before Christmas about the fact that you are not happy in the marriage but tell her that you want to try and keep Christmas as good as possible for you all. That said, hands up here who remembers the first 3 or 4 Christmases of the their lives? The kids won't even remember this so it won't be ruined for them. And if your wife is as done with the marriage as you are, she might be happier that it is over than dragging out.

    I would get the kids to bed some night, tell her you are concerned that the marriage is dead and that you would like a separation. Allow her to decide if that happens straight away or it waits til after Christmas.

    Yes he fecked up, yes he is a dick for doing this to his wife, but it is done now and the only thing left to do is to work out a way of exiting with the least amount of emotional damage possible.


  • Options
    #108
    Sound Bite
    Closed Accounts Posts: 788 ✭✭✭Sound Bite


    OP, what planet are you on?

    Basically you got married and had 2 kids in quick succession. Did you not expect this to change your marriage at all? Obviously with two young kids, things would be tougher, you and your wife would be under more pressure and have less time to yourself. Relationships take effort but it looks like you made absolutely none from what you've told us.

    You're interested in the new woman because she doesn't have the stresses and responsibilities of married life...what happens when the new relationship hits tougher times...do you change woman again then too?

    Sounds to me like your wife is dealing with 3 children not two. Might be time to grow up and take responsibility for your actions.


  • Options
    #109
    Weatherproof79
    Closed Accounts Posts: 174 ✭✭Weatherproof79


    "in October we met for the first time...more or less so that she could see that we wouldn't get on and that that would be the end of it etc etc." Who are you trying to kid? Take responsibility for your own actions instead of passing the buck. Seems like you can't accept anything is your fault. You're married it is


  • Options
    #110
    magneticimpulse
    Registered Users Posts: 1,952 ✭✭✭magneticimpulse


    Sounds like a case of a mid life crisis....you are nearly hitting 40 and going after this "girl"? I suspect she is alot younger.

    Also you are not in love after meeting someone in october. Its called lust and as others put it, you are acting like a teenager.

    Either way you need to be honest with your wife and kids about cheating! No point telling lies and pretending there is no one else. The more honest you are the quicker your wife will deal with it and the less painful to deal with arranging to see the kids (which i assume you still want to see them when you move out?).


  • Options
    #111
    screamer
    Registered Users Posts: 6,134 ✭✭✭screamer


    I think the hardest slap in the face here is that you have someone else all lined up to run off with. Your poor wife whilst her world will likely be crumbling around her you're making plans to sail off into the sunset with your new squeeze. Awful just awful. For God sake don't tell her that you cheated and that your new woman is waiting in the wings. Leave and leave your wife with some dignity she deserves that at least. You don't sound like a prize so in time she might find someone who truly loves her. And my final piece of wisdom to you is the old saying regarding cheaters if they'll do it with you they'll do it to you.


  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #112
    zeffabelli
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,516 ✭✭✭zeffabelli


    Also don't leave her with all the childcare so she has no chance of finding someone new also.

    Maybe your kids are old enough now they don't need that.


  • Options
    #113
    Keane2baMused
    Registered Users Posts: 1,576 ✭✭✭Keane2baMused


    zeffabelli wrote: »
    Also don't leave her with all the childcare so she has no chance of finding someone new also.

    Maybe your kids are old enough now they don't need that.

    OP has two under 3.......


  • Options
    #114
    Chocolate girl
    Registered Users Posts: 131 ✭✭Chocolate girl


    You should take responsibility for your own actions. It didn't just happen you set up a profile on a dating website. As for your girlfriend feeling guilty so she should but where's your guilt? If you really wanted to sort your marriage out you should have done so instead of putting your efforts into someone else. Your poor wife and kids deserve better. Stop being a coward and take responsibility for what you have done.


  • Options
    #115
    zeffabelli
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,516 ✭✭✭zeffabelli


    Keane2baMused wrote: »
    OP has two under 3.......

    Ah this gets even better. She had all the childcare and domestics do he has the freedom to **** around.

    Ha ha if I were your wife and you were leaving me for this new step mom id pack the kids bags too lol.


  • Options
    #116
    mattP
    Closed Accounts Posts: 255 ✭✭mattP


    You didn't cheat, that would imply an one off thing - you're having an affair. Present continuous.
    If you actually care about the girl and dont care for your wife then just tell her and end it. What youre doing now is only creating bad blood.


  • Options
    #117
    RentDayBlues
    Registered Users Posts: 2,131 ✭✭✭RentDayBlues


    Keane2baMused wrote: »
    OP has two under 3.......

    So the OP is that guy, they have two babies in quick succession so his wife turns her attention to the kids and he feels neglected so he goes to look for mothering somewhere else.

    Those first few years are so hard, kids strain even the strongest relationship. Please OP, tell your wife the truth today and move out. You owe her honestly, staying til after christmas won't make any difference once you tell her, I'm fact she could feel worse that you kept up the charade.


  • Options
    #118
    Ann84
    Registered Users Posts: 303 ✭✭Ann84


    jamesieboy15 wrote: »
    I'm a 37 year old that's been married for 7 years, with 2 beautiful kids. But over the last 12 months or so, the spark is gone..and we are both responsible for this. There's no chemistry, we don't go out together...we are just like 2 friends living together looking after 2 kids.

    Jamsieboy, I literally can't get over your post, I feel so unbelievably sorry for your wife to be married to you. Read the above, welcome to marriage with 2 small kids! What exactly did you think life was going to be like when you DECIDED to have 2 children with your wife?!! If there is no chemistry, how did you end up with those 2 kids?
    Did nobody talk to you about marriage talking work, kids talking over your life, how hard it is for the first few years?!?
    And where are you through these hard times....
    jamesieboy15 wrote: »
    I'Anyway, earlier this year, out of boredom, I set up a fake profile on a dating site, just for the fun.

    Boredom, dude get back in the game at home, bored... Do some housework, read a book, talk to your wife!!!!
    jamesieboy15 wrote: »
    I'We became part of eachothers lives i guess.

    You didn't 'just become' part of anything, rather than focus on your marriage and family, you invested your time and energy in pursuing a relationship.
    jamesieboy15 wrote: »
    I'the guilt started eating away at her more so than me.

    Just what?! Why do you not feel guilty? And as said before, that is not real guilt, she would be gone if she really felt bad for your wife.

    However, I do.
    Generally I'm not a fan of 'try to make it work even if the love is gone...' but in this situation, your wife has 2 small kids, her life will be very hard, it will be extremely difficult to deal with a seperation and the next 2 years particularly of childcaring. She has physically been through a lot and could probably do with more help from you.
    In all honesty, if you've decided your going to leave at some stage, now is not the time. Much and all as your wife 100% deserves better than you in a man, your all she got.
    There are times in life when you put your families happiness over your own, we all do it at various points. This is one of those points in your life. You decided to have 2 kids with this woman, at least get over the hump of raising them before you walk out the door, do you think your wife would have decided to have 2 kids knowing she's be on her own in less than 3 years?!? What is she supposed to do, send them back becaue you changed your mind!?!?! How is she supposed to have a life, its really hard being a single parent - you signed up to those kids too and just because you changed your mind and fancy being free and single again what... it doesn't work like that!
    Good grief man, how did you even get to this point?

    Focus on your marriage, literally forget the other woman and sort your commitments out, life is long, why are you picking now to run away?!? Because times are hard, it's spineless!!! you have plenty of time to meet other people in a couple of years!


  • Options
    #119
    arayess
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,707 ✭✭✭arayess


    i was kinda on your side OP especially when dealing with the angry posters till you post that the kids were under 3.
    It looks like you've an immature view on life and how you didn't expect this stress on your marriage is beyond me .
    The stress on a relationship post children is common knowledge , the dogs on the street know this
    At 37 you really should know better.


  • Options
    #120
    A_Sober_Paddy
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,221 ✭✭✭A_Sober_Paddy


    Firstly the OP did a horrible thing.

    Calling him a coward may be correct, but if he decided to leave his wife he'd be homeless, its unlikely he'll keep the house, then he'll have to rent a place as well as keep a mortgage up on the family home. Which really isn't sustainable.

    The financial burden on the party who leaves can be crimpling, so people should consider that too


  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #121
    amdublin
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Arts Moderators, Entertainment Moderators Posts: 20,648 CMod ✭✭✭✭amdublin


    Forget the other girl. Go to marriage counselling and work on fixing your marriage.


Advertisement