Fussy

Lamp69

Tims Petshop wrote: »

Before you decide to settle down with this guy you need to let him know that you don't feel thunderbolts for him but you do feel thunderbolts for other men.

It's a huge decision to make when settling down with someone so he needs to know the truth about how you feel about him.

I'm hardly going to say all this after one date. Il see how it goes for a while first. Also my first boyfriend whom I met in college - I didn't fancy him at all first and we ended up dating for 3 years

tara73

Lamp69 wrote: »

I havnt come across him yet!! That's why I'm thinking to give this nice guy a chance. Of course I like him and fancy him but it's not the "lightning bolt" that I usually feel when I like guys whom usually break my heart.

do I get it right here, you havn't actually met him in person yet?
and you are fussing about to give him a chance and all that?

I would suggest to calm down, meet him in person, and decide from there.

you might even need more than one or even more than two dates to see if you would want a relationship with a person or not, and there's nothing wrong taking your time!
but seriously, not after some online chatting...
you put a lot of unnecessary pressure on yourself and the person you meet too. that's never a good position to start..

Lamp69

tara73 wrote: »

do I get it right here, you havn't actually met him in person yet?
and you are fussing about to give him a chance and all that?

I would suggest to calm down, meet him in person, and decide from there.

you might even need more than one or even more than two dates to see if you would want a relationship with a person or not, and there's nothing wrong taking your time!
but seriously, not after some online chatting...
you put a lot of unnecessary pressure on yourself and the person you meet too. that's never a good position to start..

No your not getting it right. I have met him.

zeffabelli

The reason bad boys are appealing us because they provide uncertainty.

They stimulate arousal through adrenaline and endocrenal responses. And this keeps things exciting for your body and your body responds.

That's all it is, nothing more.

dissed doc

you might not have much to bring to the table at this point in a long term normal relationship with a decent person. nice is not the factor, but rather, that you can remain in control of the relationship and not get dumped by him.

have you considered, what is in it for him? you are 33, 10 years of casual bad boy sex. it does not exactly scream relationship material or even more so, mother material (you mentioned having kids).

sasta le

My reply has disappeared or been deleted?!
Anyway maybe try a different for once and give him a fair shot

Lamp69

dissed doc wrote: »

you might not have much to bring to the table at this point in a long term normal relationship with a decent person. nice is not the factor, but rather, that you can remain in control of the relationship and not get dumped by him.

have you considered, what is in it for him? you are 33, 10 years of casual bad boy sex. it does not exactly scream relationship material or even more so, mother material (you mentioned having kids).

Wow harsh

Shrap

Lamp69 wrote: »

Wow harsh

Harsh, and complete bull. 10 years of "casual sex" is nothing to be ashamed about in the slightest - we're not living in the 1950's here. Women get to enjoy sex too, and if there are men about who "disapprove" of that, well....we don't need to go near them at all.

Lamp69

Shrap wrote: »

Harsh, and complete bull. 10 years of "casual sex" is nothing to be ashamed about in the slightest - we're not living in the 1950's here. Women get to enjoy sex too, and if there are men about who "disapprove" of that, well....we don't need to go near them at all.

Thanks. And it's not 10 years - I'd say 8 lol 😊

Shrap

Lamp69 wrote: »

Thanks. And it's not 10 years - I'd say 8 lol 😊

Well I've had plenty more years of casual sex than that, and enjoyed it! In between, I've had two children (now teens), am a damn good mother and am in the best relationship of my life with a fella who couldn't give two hoots if my previous sex life involved half the town plus the entire hurling team. I don't do shame, and neither does he.

dissed doc

Shrap wrote: »

Harsh, and complete bull. 10 years of "casual sex" is nothing to be ashamed about in the slightest - we're not living in the 1950's here. Women get to enjoy sex too, and if there are men about who "disapprove" of that, well....we don't need to go near them at all.

i didn't say i disapprove and no-one said be ashamed of anything (perhaps that is something personal for you) it is reality that she has been for many years only experienced with more casual sex with bad boys. Nothing shameful or wrong, just her choice of lifestyle. However, her experience is definitely at odds with what she now intends to undertake. she is very inexperienced in other types of adult relationships, right?

who said anything about women not enjoying sex and it being the 1950s? you can do whatever you like but your lifestyle choices may be completely incompatible with your long term goals. changing 10 years of a type of behaviour and emptional interaction is a big challenge, particularly for the nice decent she intends to try out her new self on.


like someone who spent 10 years driving cars but wants to start on motorcycles, she has no experience in it. simple reality.

as to you presuming that anything i said was critical of her lifestyle and shameful, i am afraid you are seeing things that are not there. she wants a long term nice guy, maybe kids. her lifestyle since becoming an adult has done little to develop that life she wants.

Shrap

dissed doc wrote: »

i didn't say i disapprove. it is reality. here experience is definitely at odds with what she now intends to undertake.

who said anything about women not enjoying sex and it being the 1950s? you can dp whatever you like but your lifestyle choices may be completely incompatible with your long term goald. changing 10 years of a type of behaviour and emptional interaction is a big challenge, particularly for the nice decent she intends to try out her new self on.

You indicated disapproval by implying that a "decent" man wouldn't want a relationship with a woman who had 10 years of casual sex, still less start a family. I've just dissed your theory because it's not my experience in the slightest, having done all that (and more) and also finding an incredibly decent and responsible man to share my life with. So, your implication that having casual sex is going to be incompatible with having either a great relationship or kids or both is not reality as I or any of my similar female friends know it. But like I said, men with this kind of disapproving attitude can be avoided....

Lamp69

dissed doc wrote: »

i didn't say i disapprove. it is reality. here experience is definitely at odds with what she now intends to undertake.

who said anything about women not enjoying sex and it being the 1950s? you can dp whatever you like but your lifestyle choices may be completely incompatible with your long term goald. changing 10 years of a type of behaviour and emptional interaction is a big challenge, particularly for the nice decent she intends to try out her new self on.

The years of casual sex were fun but not my first choice. I would have liked to settle down years ago but I never met the right guy - bad boys don't settle!!! So it won't be a big challenge to change my ways

dissed doc

Shrap wrote: »

You indicated disapproval by implying that a "decent" man wouldn't want a relationship with a woman who had 10 years of casual sex, still less start a family. I've just dissed your theory because it's not my experience in the slightest, having done all that (and more) and also finding an incredibly decent and responsible man to share my life with. So, your implication that having casual sex is going to be incompatible with having either a great relationship or kids or both is not reality as I or any of my similar female friends know it. But like I said, men with this kind of disapproving attitude can be avoided....

not casual sex, casual sex with "bad boys". perhaps you were always just hooking with nice guys.

and who is disapproving? like i said, do what you like, no-one is judging; that is something ypu keep mentioning about sex: shame and disapproval. that is something i never said, i think you have something more personal about that, so feel free to ignore what i write. if you feel shame or disapproval when someone writes about sex, that is your own issue. this is about the OP, please.


maybe she will get lucky with a nice guy, or maybe she will find out that she will not be able to force herself to be attracted to guys she found unattractive for the last 10 years or so.

GZ on recognising the problem though, OP!

Shrap

dissed doc wrote: »

not casual sex, casual sex with "bad boys". perhaps you were always just hooking with nice guys.

Certainly wasn't. But thanks for clarifying your disapproval.

Shrap

dissed doc wrote: »

like someone who spent 10 years driving cars but wants to start on motorcycles, she has no experience in it. simple reality.

as to you presuming that anything i said was critical of her lifestyle and shameful, i am afraid you are seeing things that are not there. she wants a long term nice guy, maybe kids. her lifestyle since becoming an adult has done little to develop that life she wants.

Motorbikes are quite simple once you understand the principals of driving.

I answered to what was in your post. Nobody "develops" a settled long term relationship with family prospects without meeting the right guy/girl.

The OP's whole question revolves around her having gone for guys who are unpredictable and irresponsible and wondering if she should change her MO. Everyone agrees she should. You are the only one who reckons that her past choices may have an effect on being able to bring something to a relationship with a "decent" guy.

Lamp69

dissed doc wrote: »

not casual sex, casual sex with "bad boys". perhaps you were always just hooking with nice guys.

and who is disapproving? like i said, do what you like, no-one is judging; that is something ypu keep mentioning about sex: shame and disapproval. that is something i never said, i think you have something more personal about that, so feel free to ignore what i write. if you feel shame or disapproval when someone writes about sex, that is your own issue. this is about the OP, please.


maybe she will get lucky with a nice guy, or maybe she will find out that she will not be able to force herself to be attracted to guys she found unattractive for the last 10 years or so.

GZ on recognising the problem though, OP!

I never found nice guys unattractive. I guess bad boys were more exciting but who wants exciting/upset the older you get.

dissed doc

Shrap wrote: »

Motorbikes are quite simple once you understand the principals of driving.

I answered to what was in your post. Nobody "develops" a settled long term relationship with family prospects without meeting the right guy/girl.

The OP's whole question revolves around her having gone for guys who are unpredictable and irresponsible and wondering if she should change her MO. Everyone agrees she should. You are the only one who reckons that her past choices may have an effect on being able to bring something to a relationship with a "decent" guy.

i think that past behaviour is the biggest predictor of future behaviour. that goes for much of life.

I also think that it is no important for me to be in agreement with you; needing to please is not an issue of mine. likewise on that sense, i can accept when opinions differ to mine. obviousl, not everyone shares that approach to a discussion.

and, people learn a lot and grow emotionally with every interaction, be it a one night stand or other relationship types. so, people do develop into the type of person that can do a long term relationship. some people at age 20, some at 50, some never at all because it is not a goal or important.

you are the "product" of your past, so to speak. some people learn and change,many do not. a long term relationship doesn't just happen because of magic and the stars aligning. it is more to do with emotional maturity.

Potatoeman

That is not a very flattering description of the guy. Is he objectively less attractive than you or are you just not attracted to him?

Good girls don't date bad boys, girls with bad judgement do.

Saying you usually go for badboys but that you want to settle down now so a nice guy will do, doesn't sound like the strongest start to a relationship. Are you going to tell the guy this at some stage in the future?

Lamp69

Potatoeman wrote: »

That is not a very flattering description of the guy. Is he objectively less attractive than you or are you just not attracted to him?

Good girls don't date bad boys, girls with bad judgement do.

Saying you usually go for badboys but that you want to settle down now so a nice guy will do, doesn't sound like the strongest start to a relationship. Are you going to tell the guy this at some stage in the future?

I am attracted to him but not as much as I have been to other guys in the past straight away. But this might grow. I do not disrespect him as someone also mentioned. And also to add I feel more attracted to him and want to talk to him more than I did this time last week. So it is growing already 😊

seenitall

Lamp69 wrote: »

I am attracted to him but not as much as I have been to other guys in the past straight away. But this might grow. I do not disrespect him as someone also mentioned. And also to add I feel more attracted to him and want to talk to him more than I did this time last week. So it is growing already 😊

Hi OP,

well there you go - there's your answer. Go on dating and see where it leads.

It's different strokes for different folks on this one. It is completely individual.

Personally, I have never been able to feel a strong physical attraction to a bloke where I didn't feel it within the moments of meeting him. "Lust at first sight", I think they call it. Other things, affection, respect, love, can and do grow for me in time, but that thrilling spark of "gawd I wish he just shagged me senseless" - nope.

Then I have a friend who never experiences what I do, and desire takes a long time to take hold with her, and when it does, it's like a slow tidal wave, deep and overwhelming (paraphrasing her).

If the attraction is growing for you, it's a good sign - for you both Good luck!

Potatoeman

Lamp69 wrote: »

I am attracted to him but not as much as I have been to other guys in the past straight away. But this might grow. I do not disrespect him as someone also mentioned. And also to add I feel more attracted to him and want to talk to him more than I did this time last week. So it is growing already 😊

Would you be happy with him describing you that way? How do you know he is a nice guy and not just putting his best foot forward at this early stage?

Lamp69

Potatoeman wrote: »

Would you be happy with him describing you that way? How do you know he is a nice guy and not just putting his best foot forward at this early stage?

I really have no idea. As you said it's an early stage so will see how it goes

baby and crumble

seenitall wrote: »

Then I have a friend who never experiences what I do, and desire takes a long time to take hold with her, and when it does, it's like a slow tidal wave, deep and overwhelming (paraphrasing her).

Perhaps slightly off topic (although I think it's relevant), this sounds like demisexuality:

Demisexual: A demisexual does not experience sexual attraction unless they have already formed a strong emotional bond with the person. The bond may or may not be romantic in nature.

Human sexuality and attraction and romance is so nuanced, there's hundreds of different ways someone experiences it.You can't really change it, nor who you are attracted to, but you can change how you react to it. Nothing wrong with trying new things so long as you're comfortable!

K_P

By all means go for it with this "nice guy", OP. But I'd be a little concerned that your main impetus for being with this guy is just that you want to settle down and have kids and the clock is ticking. That's unfair on both of you and it absolutely 100% will not work out if you don't fancy him. I get what you're saying, that you feel the attraction may grow and it's great if it does. But be prepared to walk away if it doesn't.

Also, just because you think he's different to the type of guys you usually go for, this doesn't mean it'll be smooth sailing, your relationship will be without problems or he'll be without fault.

Lamp69

When I say nice guy I prob should say a guy that seems keen and wants to get to know me and actually rang me! Most guys in the past just seem to want to sleep with me and that's why I'm calling this got a "nice guy"

WarpAsylum

Lamp69 wrote: »

When I say nice guy I prob should say a guy that seems keen and wants to get to know me and actually rang me! Most guys in the past just seem to want to sleep with me and that's why I'm calling this got a "nice guy"

I think it's good that you clarified, as the "nice guy" label would normally suggest a bit more.

So really, this guy is just treating you with the most rudimentary level of respect?

Lamp69

WarpAsylum wrote: »

I think it's good that you clarified, as the "nice guy" label would normally suggest a bit more.

So really, this guy is just treating you with the most rudimentary level of respect?

I guess so yes

Lamp69

Mr_Higgins wrote: »

If it were me I would want to know that you don't feel the attraction towards me that you feel towards other men. I couldn't be with a women who felt like that about me.

Well in my defence my ex of 3 years - when I first met him I didn't fancy him at all and we ended up dating and living together and I loved him very much. so that grew over time. All the other guys bar one whom I dated for about 6 months were all disasters and just sex. So now with this guy I'm seeing how it develops as if could be like my first ex

Lamp69

Mr_Higgins wrote: »

Obviously it's still early so I would give it some time, but if you never get to the point where you just have to rip the clothes off him I would break it off. 50 years with someone you kind of fancy is no fun.

Of course it's early days. We've only been on one date and he asked for another so I wasn't sure to accept or not and posted here. Btw my family think I'm highly fussy and need to cop on!!!!!! Lol