Fussy

Lamp69

Hi

I've been single a good while and I'm nearly 33 now. A guy I met once from tinder is keen on me and is actually a really nice guy with a good job etc. ( not the guy from my last post )! But I'm wondering girls - do you think you should go for the nice guy that would treat you well or the guy that wrecks your head but you really fancy. I've always gone for the head wreckers and that's why I'm 33 and still single. Time to change tactic??

bp

Go for the nice guy :-) try something new

Shrap

Do you know what I find most fanciable? Nice, respectful, responsible. Took me a while to get past fancying "danger" more than "dependable" but believe me, it was worth it!

Stranger Danger

Lamp69 wrote: »

Hi

- do you think you should go for the nice guy that would treat you well or the guy that wrecks your head but you really fancy.

What about going for the nice guy that you really fancy?

It's not a mutually exclusive choice you know.

Lamp69

Stranger Danger wrote: »

What about going for the nice guy that you really fancy?

It's not a mutually exclusive choice you know.

I havnt come across him yet!! That's why I'm thinking to give this nice guy a chance. Of course I like him and fancy him but it's not the "lightning bolt" that I usually feel when I like guys whom usually break my heart.

LegacyUser

In all honestly I've never really went for bad boys, with the exception of one when I was 18. I normally go for the quiet one in a bar with nice eyes :'D still I'm tragically single at 29 even with not being a picky person.
If you don't have a spark, I don't know. IMO it's really important. Maybe give the nice guy a go? What's the worst that could happen!

baby and crumble

eh, lightning bolts are overrated.

Shrap

Lamp69 wrote: »

I havnt come across him yet!! That's why I'm thinking to give this nice guy a chance. Of course I like him and fancy him but it's not the "lightning bolt" that I usually feel when I like guys whom usually break my heart.

Maybe that lightening bolt would be less of a flash in the pan than usual and more of a long slow burn after you get treated right by a good bloke for a while. Don't knock it till you've tried it!

Lamp69

Yeah suppose I've nothing to lose. Il give it a chance and see - thanks all

Confucius say

The Lightning doesn't last. If you're looking for a long term partner take practicalities into consideration too. I'm in a similar boat but I've learned from experience that there's more to lasting relationships than that dizzying madness you get when you find someone with whom there's a lot of chemistry initially.

Large Bulge

Do you find this "nice guy" sexually attractive, does he arouse you?

If not I would say you should let him go, he'll be posting on this forum in a few years about how awful his sex life is. To make matters worse he'll be made to feel guilty that he doesn't do enough housework and that's the cause of the problem when in reality he just does not turn you on.

Lamp69

Large Bulge wrote: »

Do you find this "nice guy" sexually attractive, does he arouse you?

If not I would say you should let him go, he'll be posting on this forum in a few years about how awful his sex life is. To make matters worse he'll be made to feel guilty that he doesn't do enough housework and that's the cause of the problem when in reality he just does not turn you on.

What?!

Large Bulge

Lamp69 wrote: »

What?!

Do you find this "nice guy" sexy?

Lamp69

Large Bulge wrote: »

Do you find this "nice guy" sexy?

Ya a bit but il have to get to know him more

baby and crumble

I think a lot of women (myself included) can find sexual attraction growing and developing as the relationship grows and develops, a lot more than men can. As long as you don't think your possible partner is a total turn OFF then it can develop.

discus

Lamp69 wrote: »

Ya a bit but il have to get to know him more

Look, if you don't want to jump his bones right now, you are wasting his time and yours. Large bulge is one hundred percent right. You are looking to settle down with a 'nice guy', someone to provide you with a comfortable relationship but you'll resent him eventually, especially if you don't even fancy him all that much right now.

Even your admission... 'ya a bit'... face it, you're not attracted to him are you?

Lamp69

baby and crumble wrote: »

I think a lot of women (myself included) can find sexual attraction growing and developing as the relationship grows and develops, a lot more than men can. As long as you don't think your possible partner is a total turn OFF then it can develop.

He's def not a turn off - I guess not my usual type. But my usual type isn't working for me. And to be honost I do want to settle down with children etc and the clock is ticking

discus

baby and crumble wrote: »

I think a lot of women (myself included) can find sexual attraction growing and developing as the relationship grows and develops, a lot more than men can. As long as you don't think your possible partner is a total turn OFF then it can develop.

Your advice is practically tailored to what OP wants to hear. She won't respect this guy a whit as soon as the relationship moves out of the honeymoon.

discus

Lamp69 wrote: »

He's def not a turn off - I guess not my usual type. But my usual type isn't working for me. And to be honost I do want to settle down with children etc and the clock is ticking

Say no more, best of luck OP

baby and crumble

discus wrote: »

Your advice is practically tailored to what OP wants to hear. She won't respect this guy a whit as soon as the relationship moves out of the honeymoon.

My advice is what I believe and have experienced. Nothing more.

Sunflower 27

Another one here for the nice guy! I met my partner at 40 - I was a very slow learner!!! I absolutely adore him. His kindness melts my heart. And he is very handsome, too

I dated many head wreckers, but a man who is kind and respectful is far more attractive. I have never been happier

Emme

My advice is to go for the nice guy. Thunderbolts don't last but the nice guy could be a slow burn which is so much better.

Relationships aren't all about s8x.

Lamp69

discus wrote: »

Your advice is practically tailored to what OP wants to hear. She won't respect this guy a whit as soon as the relationship moves out of the honeymoon.

Why would I not respect him?

Lamp69

discus wrote: »

Look, if you don't want to jump his bones right now, you are wasting his time and yours. Large bulge is one hundred percent right. You are looking to settle down with a 'nice guy', someone to provide you with a comfortable relationship but you'll resent him eventually, especially if you don't even fancy him all that much right now.

Even your admission... 'ya a bit'... face it, you're not attracted to him are you?

No I don't want to jump his bones right now but a guy I did want to jump his bones - we slept together a few times and it was toxic

njs030

I remember your thread last week where you were mad about a different fella and upset that he didn't contact you enough....Are you interested in this nice one because the other one has let you down again?

if so op I would say leave him alone, its not right to date someone to make you feel better about a previous fling/date/whatever.

Wait until you meet someone who treats you kindly and is fun AND attractive when your mind isn't caught up with someone else.

Lamp69

notjustsweet wrote: »

I remember your thread last week where you were mad about a different fella and upset that he didn't contact you enough....Are you interested in this nice one because the other one has let you down again?

if so op I would say leave him alone, its not right to date someone to make you feel better about a previous fling/date/whatever.

Wait until you meet someone who treats you kindly and is fun AND attractive when your mind isn't caught up with someone else.

Ya but the guy last week turned out to be a total player and I'm sick of those guys.

Emme

Lamp69 wrote: »

Ya but the guy last week turned out to be a total player and I'm sick of those guys.

I advised you earlier to go for the nice guy but you want to be fair to him. Is you main reason for dating the nice guy the fact that you're 33 and you want children?

Go out with the nice guy but don't have anything definite in mind until you get to know him better. See him a few times (if he wants to meet you again after the first date) and then decide if there is an attraction there. If there is an attraction continue seeing him. If not maybe don't date for a while and work on yourself instead.

Lamp69

Emme wrote: »

I advised you earlier to go for the nice guy but you want to be fair to him.

Of course. I went on 2 dates with the guy from last week and chatted about 2 months so hardly much for me to get over

Lamp69

Emme wrote: »

I advised you earlier to go for the nice guy but you want to be fair to him. Is you main reason for dating the nice guy the fact that you're 33 and you want children?

Go out with the nice guy but don't have anything definite in mind until you get to know him better. See him a few times (if he wants to meet you again after the first date) and then decide if there is an attraction there. If there is an attraction continue seeing him. If not maybe don't date for a while and work on yourself instead.

We have gone on a date and we are meeting this week again

Emme

Lamp69 wrote: »

We have gone on a date and we are meeting this week again

See how it goes. And don't go out with any players in the meantime.

sasta le

I know so many ladies over 25 with good prospects but they seem to never get out of teenage girl mode and they be moaning there single.Try a different guy or tactic and give them a chance

Lamp69

Tims Petshop wrote: »

Before you decide to settle down with this guy you need to let him know that you don't feel thunderbolts for him but you do feel thunderbolts for other men.

It's a huge decision to make when settling down with someone so he needs to know the truth about how you feel about him.

I'm hardly going to say all this after one date. Il see how it goes for a while first. Also my first boyfriend whom I met in college - I didn't fancy him at all first and we ended up dating for 3 years

tara73

Lamp69 wrote: »

I havnt come across him yet!! That's why I'm thinking to give this nice guy a chance. Of course I like him and fancy him but it's not the "lightning bolt" that I usually feel when I like guys whom usually break my heart.

do I get it right here, you havn't actually met him in person yet?
and you are fussing about to give him a chance and all that?

I would suggest to calm down, meet him in person, and decide from there.

you might even need more than one or even more than two dates to see if you would want a relationship with a person or not, and there's nothing wrong taking your time!
but seriously, not after some online chatting...
you put a lot of unnecessary pressure on yourself and the person you meet too. that's never a good position to start..

Lamp69

tara73 wrote: »

do I get it right here, you havn't actually met him in person yet?
and you are fussing about to give him a chance and all that?

I would suggest to calm down, meet him in person, and decide from there.

you might even need more than one or even more than two dates to see if you would want a relationship with a person or not, and there's nothing wrong taking your time!
but seriously, not after some online chatting...
you put a lot of unnecessary pressure on yourself and the person you meet too. that's never a good position to start..

No your not getting it right. I have met him.

zeffabelli

The reason bad boys are appealing us because they provide uncertainty.

They stimulate arousal through adrenaline and endocrenal responses. And this keeps things exciting for your body and your body responds.

That's all it is, nothing more.

dissed doc

you might not have much to bring to the table at this point in a long term normal relationship with a decent person. nice is not the factor, but rather, that you can remain in control of the relationship and not get dumped by him.

have you considered, what is in it for him? you are 33, 10 years of casual bad boy sex. it does not exactly scream relationship material or even more so, mother material (you mentioned having kids).

sasta le

My reply has disappeared or been deleted?!
Anyway maybe try a different for once and give him a fair shot

Lamp69

dissed doc wrote: »

you might not have much to bring to the table at this point in a long term normal relationship with a decent person. nice is not the factor, but rather, that you can remain in control of the relationship and not get dumped by him.

have you considered, what is in it for him? you are 33, 10 years of casual bad boy sex. it does not exactly scream relationship material or even more so, mother material (you mentioned having kids).

Wow harsh

Shrap

Lamp69 wrote: »

Wow harsh

Harsh, and complete bull. 10 years of "casual sex" is nothing to be ashamed about in the slightest - we're not living in the 1950's here. Women get to enjoy sex too, and if there are men about who "disapprove" of that, well....we don't need to go near them at all.

Lamp69

Shrap wrote: »

Harsh, and complete bull. 10 years of "casual sex" is nothing to be ashamed about in the slightest - we're not living in the 1950's here. Women get to enjoy sex too, and if there are men about who "disapprove" of that, well....we don't need to go near them at all.

Thanks. And it's not 10 years - I'd say 8 lol 😊

Shrap

Lamp69 wrote: »

Thanks. And it's not 10 years - I'd say 8 lol 😊

Well I've had plenty more years of casual sex than that, and enjoyed it! In between, I've had two children (now teens), am a damn good mother and am in the best relationship of my life with a fella who couldn't give two hoots if my previous sex life involved half the town plus the entire hurling team. I don't do shame, and neither does he.

dissed doc

Shrap wrote: »

Harsh, and complete bull. 10 years of "casual sex" is nothing to be ashamed about in the slightest - we're not living in the 1950's here. Women get to enjoy sex too, and if there are men about who "disapprove" of that, well....we don't need to go near them at all.

i didn't say i disapprove and no-one said be ashamed of anything (perhaps that is something personal for you) it is reality that she has been for many years only experienced with more casual sex with bad boys. Nothing shameful or wrong, just her choice of lifestyle. However, her experience is definitely at odds with what she now intends to undertake. she is very inexperienced in other types of adult relationships, right?

who said anything about women not enjoying sex and it being the 1950s? you can do whatever you like but your lifestyle choices may be completely incompatible with your long term goals. changing 10 years of a type of behaviour and emptional interaction is a big challenge, particularly for the nice decent she intends to try out her new self on.


like someone who spent 10 years driving cars but wants to start on motorcycles, she has no experience in it. simple reality.

as to you presuming that anything i said was critical of her lifestyle and shameful, i am afraid you are seeing things that are not there. she wants a long term nice guy, maybe kids. her lifestyle since becoming an adult has done little to develop that life she wants.

Shrap

dissed doc wrote: »

i didn't say i disapprove. it is reality. here experience is definitely at odds with what she now intends to undertake.

who said anything about women not enjoying sex and it being the 1950s? you can dp whatever you like but your lifestyle choices may be completely incompatible with your long term goald. changing 10 years of a type of behaviour and emptional interaction is a big challenge, particularly for the nice decent she intends to try out her new self on.

You indicated disapproval by implying that a "decent" man wouldn't want a relationship with a woman who had 10 years of casual sex, still less start a family. I've just dissed your theory because it's not my experience in the slightest, having done all that (and more) and also finding an incredibly decent and responsible man to share my life with. So, your implication that having casual sex is going to be incompatible with having either a great relationship or kids or both is not reality as I or any of my similar female friends know it. But like I said, men with this kind of disapproving attitude can be avoided....

Lamp69

dissed doc wrote: »

i didn't say i disapprove. it is reality. here experience is definitely at odds with what she now intends to undertake.

who said anything about women not enjoying sex and it being the 1950s? you can dp whatever you like but your lifestyle choices may be completely incompatible with your long term goald. changing 10 years of a type of behaviour and emptional interaction is a big challenge, particularly for the nice decent she intends to try out her new self on.

The years of casual sex were fun but not my first choice. I would have liked to settle down years ago but I never met the right guy - bad boys don't settle!!! So it won't be a big challenge to change my ways

dissed doc

Shrap wrote: »

You indicated disapproval by implying that a "decent" man wouldn't want a relationship with a woman who had 10 years of casual sex, still less start a family. I've just dissed your theory because it's not my experience in the slightest, having done all that (and more) and also finding an incredibly decent and responsible man to share my life with. So, your implication that having casual sex is going to be incompatible with having either a great relationship or kids or both is not reality as I or any of my similar female friends know it. But like I said, men with this kind of disapproving attitude can be avoided....

not casual sex, casual sex with "bad boys". perhaps you were always just hooking with nice guys.

and who is disapproving? like i said, do what you like, no-one is judging; that is something ypu keep mentioning about sex: shame and disapproval. that is something i never said, i think you have something more personal about that, so feel free to ignore what i write. if you feel shame or disapproval when someone writes about sex, that is your own issue. this is about the OP, please.


maybe she will get lucky with a nice guy, or maybe she will find out that she will not be able to force herself to be attracted to guys she found unattractive for the last 10 years or so.

GZ on recognising the problem though, OP!

Shrap

dissed doc wrote: »

not casual sex, casual sex with "bad boys". perhaps you were always just hooking with nice guys.

Certainly wasn't. But thanks for clarifying your disapproval.

Shrap

dissed doc wrote: »

like someone who spent 10 years driving cars but wants to start on motorcycles, she has no experience in it. simple reality.

as to you presuming that anything i said was critical of her lifestyle and shameful, i am afraid you are seeing things that are not there. she wants a long term nice guy, maybe kids. her lifestyle since becoming an adult has done little to develop that life she wants.

Motorbikes are quite simple once you understand the principals of driving.

I answered to what was in your post. Nobody "develops" a settled long term relationship with family prospects without meeting the right guy/girl.

The OP's whole question revolves around her having gone for guys who are unpredictable and irresponsible and wondering if she should change her MO. Everyone agrees she should. You are the only one who reckons that her past choices may have an effect on being able to bring something to a relationship with a "decent" guy.

Lamp69

dissed doc wrote: »

not casual sex, casual sex with "bad boys". perhaps you were always just hooking with nice guys.

and who is disapproving? like i said, do what you like, no-one is judging; that is something ypu keep mentioning about sex: shame and disapproval. that is something i never said, i think you have something more personal about that, so feel free to ignore what i write. if you feel shame or disapproval when someone writes about sex, that is your own issue. this is about the OP, please.


maybe she will get lucky with a nice guy, or maybe she will find out that she will not be able to force herself to be attracted to guys she found unattractive for the last 10 years or so.

GZ on recognising the problem though, OP!

I never found nice guys unattractive. I guess bad boys were more exciting but who wants exciting/upset the older you get.

dissed doc

Shrap wrote: »

Motorbikes are quite simple once you understand the principals of driving.

I answered to what was in your post. Nobody "develops" a settled long term relationship with family prospects without meeting the right guy/girl.

The OP's whole question revolves around her having gone for guys who are unpredictable and irresponsible and wondering if she should change her MO. Everyone agrees she should. You are the only one who reckons that her past choices may have an effect on being able to bring something to a relationship with a "decent" guy.

i think that past behaviour is the biggest predictor of future behaviour. that goes for much of life.

I also think that it is no important for me to be in agreement with you; needing to please is not an issue of mine. likewise on that sense, i can accept when opinions differ to mine. obviousl, not everyone shares that approach to a discussion.

and, people learn a lot and grow emotionally with every interaction, be it a one night stand or other relationship types. so, people do develop into the type of person that can do a long term relationship. some people at age 20, some at 50, some never at all because it is not a goal or important.

you are the "product" of your past, so to speak. some people learn and change,many do not. a long term relationship doesn't just happen because of magic and the stars aligning. it is more to do with emotional maturity.

Potatoeman

That is not a very flattering description of the guy. Is he objectively less attractive than you or are you just not attracted to him?

Good girls don't date bad boys, girls with bad judgement do.

Saying you usually go for badboys but that you want to settle down now so a nice guy will do, doesn't sound like the strongest start to a relationship. Are you going to tell the guy this at some stage in the future?

Lamp69

Potatoeman wrote: »

That is not a very flattering description of the guy. Is he objectively less attractive than you or are you just not attracted to him?

Good girls don't date bad boys, girls with bad judgement do.

Saying you usually go for badboys but that you want to settle down now so a nice guy will do, doesn't sound like the strongest start to a relationship. Are you going to tell the guy this at some stage in the future?

I am attracted to him but not as much as I have been to other guys in the past straight away. But this might grow. I do not disrespect him as someone also mentioned. And also to add I feel more attracted to him and want to talk to him more than I did this time last week. So it is growing already 😊