That look women give to other women

Melisandre121

I think we all know it. That look. I was out with my boyfriends best friend and his girlfriend and she was giving me terrible looks. It made me feel awful as I was hoping so much we'd be friends.

Are you guilty of giving this look yourself? Or have you been on the receiving end? More importantly, why do we do it?!

Roselm

Why would she be giving you "a look"?
Did she think you were moving in on her guy?!

Oryx

I dont know the look.

Dolbert

If random women have been giving me dirty looks, I haven't noticed it

Melisandre121

Roselm wrote: »

Why would she be giving you "a look"?
Did she think you were moving in on her guy?!

No of course not, I'm guessing she was just insecure. But it was unnecessary.
I'm surprised so far no one has gotten a dirty look from another girl for no reason?

OneOfThem

Sounds like you're just too much of a stone cold, undeniably, ridey, dirty ride for your own good OP. Comes with pros and cons. Could be worse sure, chimp could eat your face. Then where would you be? Getting looks of an entirely different kind, wouldn't you be? "Oh look, a chimp ate that ladies face" looks, by all accounts.

You'll more than likely be met with a homogenous combination of bafflement and incredulity here, but yeah of course there's "the look", you may even be guilty of it yourself on occasion without realising it. Like you say, just a bit of insecurity seeping through, no harm meant in it I'm sure. Just take it as a compliment, it's only given to girls considered prettier than the looker by the looker generally.

Whitewinged

Melisandre121 wrote: »

I think we all know it. That look. I was out with my boyfriends best friend and his girlfriend and she was giving me terrible looks. It made me feel awful as I was hoping so much we'd be friends.

Are you guilty of giving this look yourself? Or have you been on the receiving end? More importantly, why do we do it?!

A while ago my husband asked me to go out with his mate from work and his girlfriend. Another couple were comming too and my husband knew the guy from the workfriends stag party.

When we were out, we were sat near the band and it was really hard to hear. The fella from the stag was sitting beside me and his girlfriend beside him. My husband was in the other side of me and was mostly talking to his workpal. So i looked a bit like a spare part but it was only because i coudnt get too involved in conversation because i couldnt hear anyone. The stag guy was switching between conversation with me and then he'd talk to his gf. I overheard him once or twice saying to her "whats wrong with you" because she had a face like a bull. Then whenever id look up, id catch her looking at me with daggers. End of the night we were all thinking of going to a niteclub. I was walking ahead with the two gfs to get a cab when the stag guys gf jumped in a cab. She said "im going home" and left in a huff without telling the bf. He decided that he was going to the niteclub anyway which i thought was wrong but none of my business.

a couple of months later we were at the workfriends wedding. The stag bloke would not even look in my direction and she wouldnt either. It didnt bother but it was awkward at times were i ended up beside them, like at the smoking area or dancefloor or the bar.

At the end of the nite, my husband said "lets sit over here" and it was the table that they were on. My husband was chatting away to everyone but i ended up stuck beside her in an awkward silence. So i said "it was a good day, wasnt it?" And she just looked straight at me with some weird rage in her eyes for about 10 seconds and said .....nothing. It was so cringe that, Oneofthem, at that moment i just wished a chimp would come and eat my face off

I havent done anything like that to other women. Of course ive been jealous before but if i did feel jealous, id say it to my husband not take it out in the girl.

Usually i have a great time at weddings but that girl and her bf made me feel really isolated because they had alot of other friends there too. I didnt flirt with the bloke at all. All i did was talk to him one night when we were all out so her overreaction was a bit scary.

Das Kitty

I'm 35 and only once can I recall having this look sent in my direction. Guy was chatting to me at a bar, we had some friends in common, his girlfriend came up and did the look as I introduced myself.

I found out later that the guy had repeatedly cheated on her. Not easy for the girl. She eventually got sense and broke up with him.

My point is, I don't think it's a "thing girls do." It's something universal. Guys get jealous too, they throw similar looks, but we only talk about it when it's women, because women's jealousy and rage is something to be laughed at, apparently. With men, we should take it seriously, but when it's a woman they're just being silly.

Gunslinger92

Not exactly 'the look' but one of my OH's friends got a new girlfriend a while back and OH was telling me that whenever they were out and there was a girl deemed by the new girlfriend to be better looking than herself there, she would take him out of the room, to the smoking area for example...
I walked in one time and off they went :pac: I found it very strange. Just screams of insecurity, which is a shame cause it must be crap feeling that insecure a lot of the time.

baby and crumble

I don't often get "the look" in this way because it's plainly obvious I'm not after anyones boyfriend.

However, there is a "thing" where sometimes other butch women I see on the street or in a bar will like "puff up" or pull their girlfriends in closer when I smile or approach. It's so bizarre. It's just insecurity, plain and simple. And tbh if you're the kind of person to go off with another persons partner you're hardly the type to get intimidated by a stare, are you?

Whitewinged

Das Kitty wrote: »

I'm 35 and only once can I recall having this look sent in my direction. Guy was chatting to me at a bar, we had some friends in common, his girlfriend came up and did the look as I introduced myself.

I found out later that the guy had repeatedly cheated on her. Not easy for the girl. She eventually got sense and broke up with him.

My point is, I don't think it's a "thing girls do." It's something universal. Guys get jealous too, they throw similar looks, but we only talk about it when it's women, because women's jealousy and rage is something to be laughed at, apparently. With men, we should take it seriously, but when it's a woman they're just being silly.

I think the problem here is that it can drag an innocent party into the equation of their relationship.

its not about laughing at other womens insecurities but knowing how to deal with insecurities. If her bf is a cheater and he makes polite conversation with you in the pub, are you supposed to change who you are and be rude even tho you dont know the backround story? All you know is that there is a couple there and they are making conversation with you. Do you deserve someone staring at you and intimadating you? No

MissFlitworth

I've gotten meaningful looks from girls I don't know before when flirting, unbeknownst to me and probably to the flirtee (my flirting wasn't always v. polished), with someone else's boyfriend in a bar. But not in a b*tchy way, more a 'hi, that's my boyfriend' way. Random dirty looks from girls I don't know? No. Stuff of soap operas and teen romance books as far as my experience goes. Not familiar with a standard 'that look' at all

Scarinae

I don't think I've ever been on the receiving end of that sort of look... Either I'm very oblivious or I'm an unthreatening minger

Malari

I got it once, that I know of. I was out with my new boyfriend. He'd been single for a year or so before me and had arranged to meet up with a few friends. This girl who was part of their group of regular weekenders arrived and he introduced me as his girlfriend. I said hi, and she looked me up and down then turned around and walked away! Anytime he bumped into her after that she would ask "are you still with yer wan?" even after we had been together over a year and living together :pac: She was less jealous I think than pi$$ed off that one of her regular single guy acquaintances was no longer as available as she would like :rolleyes:

Dial Hard

MissFlitworth wrote:

Random dirty looks from girls I don't know? No. Stuff of soap operas and teen romance books as far as my experience goes. Not familiar with a standard 'that look' at all

Nor me. I'm either embarrassingly oblivious or far too unattractive to warrant it.

Das Kitty

Whitewinged wrote: »

I think the problem here is that it can drag an innocent party into the equation of their relationship.

its not about laughing at other womens insecurities but knowing how to deal with insecurities. If her bf is a cheater and he makes polite conversation with you in the pub, are you supposed to change who you are and be rude even tho you dont know the backround story? All you know is that there is a couple there and they are making conversation with you. Do you deserve someone staring at you and intimadating you? No

We all get dragged into other people's BS regularly, though. We have lots of unpleasant interactions with other people. This isn't any different. It's not about what someone deserves or doesn't deserve.

I just think there seems to be a societal need to pitch women against one another. Women being jealous of one another, and how pathetic it all is, is often a topic of conversation. It's something you rarely hear said of men. If it is it's tied in with domestic abuse. It feels like it has to be that bad for a man's jealousy to be a problem, yet for a woman it's a problem the second she throws a look at another woman.

Whitewinged

Das Kitty wrote: »

We all get dragged into other people's BS regularly, though. We have lots of unpleasant interactions with other people. This isn't any different. It's not about what someone deserves or doesn't deserve.

I just think there seems to be a societal need to pitch women against one another. Women being jealous of one another, and how pathetic it all is, is often a topic of conversation. It's something you rarely hear said of men. If it is it's tied in with domestic abuse. It feels like it has to be that bad for a man's jealousy to be a problem, yet for a woman it's a problem the second she throws a look at another woman.

When you are on the receiving end of such a look and it is by no fault of your own and when you aknowledge that it happens and are told things like (not quoting anyone) "no it doesnt happen to me so it doesnt exist", "you must have been flirting to get that look" or "that poor woman has been dealing with that husband and its not her fault" then you are justifying the behaviour.

yes we do get dragged into other peoples bs, it still doesnt make it right to use your body language to intimidate someone.

its not about men and women. Op is just a woman aknowledging that this has happened to her before and it was not a nice experience and she didnt do anything to provoke it.

This kind of thing does happen and if someone highlights that it was a problem for them, then they have a right to talk about it without everyone assumming that it is an attack on women.

What can you do about it if happens? Not much other than asses the situation and distance yourself from that couple.

Das Kitty

Seeing things from another person's perspective is not justifying bad behaviour; it's just an attempt to understand it and acknowledge the other person's humanity.

No one said it was right to use body language to intimidate another person. Not once.

And it is about men and women when the title of the thread calls it out as a woman thing, ignoring entirely that men do it too.

By providing a different argument / question into a thread, the idea is to open the topic a bit wider, see what others think. It's not to shut down the OP but to challenge our perceptions of these things. It's no more shutting other people down than the counter arguments you're providing on this thread.

Whitewinged

Das Kitty wrote: »

Seeing things from another person's perspective is not justifying bad behaviour; it's just an attempt to understand it and acknowledge the other person's humanity.

No one said it was right to use body language to intimidate another person. Not once.

And it is about men and women when the title of the thread calls it out as a woman thing, ignoring entirely that men do it too.

By providing a different argument / question into a thread, the idea is to open the topic a bit wider, see what others think. It's not to shut down the OP but to challenge our perceptions of these things. It's no more shutting other people down than the counter arguments you're providing on this thread.

Ok well my take would not have been to take it men vs women.

I would think it is more important to highlight that bullying people by giving them dirty looks is wrong and to make that clear.

If it was happening in the workplace it would be wrong. If it was happening in a school it would be wrong. If a man was looking at a woman like that it would be wrong.

by body language i mean giving someone a dirty look. Giving someone a certain look can portray many things to another person. It can be used to show sympathy, flirting, discust and even threatning. The problem with this type of bullying is that if the person confronts it, then it is just denied or blamed on the person who confronted the situation.

you do need to see it from all perspectives and all people have their reasons for doing things but it doesnt make it right.

I think focussing on the title of "looks women give other women" is wrong and i am coming from the angle of trying to see past the title and really what her op is saying, which is, do people bully each other sometimes when feeling irrationally threatened by the same sex? And the answer is yes they do.

beks101

Das Kitty wrote: »

I don't think it's a "thing girls do." It's something universal. Guys get jealous too, they throw similar looks, but we only talk about it when it's women, because women's jealousy and rage is something to be laughed at, apparently. With men, we should take it seriously, but when it's a woman they're just being silly.

This precisely.

I've seen guys get shirty with each other when they're out and about, a meeting of egos and the body language that ensues can be quite the amusing thing to watch. Guys standing between their girlfriend and another guy, puffing out their chests, eyeballing each other, the full works. Insecurities mean everyone is competition.

I've had hostility from other women from time to time, similar eyeballing or up-and-down stares or snide comments. But the general comradery and compliments and chats and female bonding experiences I've had far outweigh those incidents, about 50 to 1 I would say. I love women, I've got two sisters and lots of female relatives and every new lady I meet is a potential friend and that's been reciprocated tenfold over the years.

Gongoozler

I must really not pose much of a threat to anyone, not sure I ever got a look from anyone

Whitewinged

beks101 wrote: »

. I love women, I've got two sisters and lots of female relatives and every new lady I meet is a potential friend and that's been reciprocated tenfold over the years.

I think thats what op was saying though. She seen the woman as potential friend but was met with hostility.

And yes it doesnt happen that often but when it does it is a form of bullying. Its not about women vs women in general or men vs womens reactions to jealousy. Its about one person targetting another person in an effort to intimidate based on their own insecurities.

As an adult people can handle these situations better but if your sitting there making conversation with someone in a effort to bond with them and they are shooting you down each time for no reason then that is simple bullying.

If you start to look at it as women pitting women against each other rather than the fact that someone was being treated unfairly then your moving into generalisations and not properly seeing the reality is that some people do unfairly place their insecurities onto other people whether man or woman. Its not about women, its about how some people treat each other.

The reason why op uses that title is because she will more than likey not experience the same kind of hostility with a man. But obviously some men do this to each other too.

the quote that you posted above and said "this precisely" only deals with the "jealous" woman and how she is unfairly treated as opposed to a "jealous" man but mentions nothing about third party, the woman that was being picked on by another woman.

meeeeh

I never noticed it among women or at least not starting at me. I did notice it among men though. And I actually think it's very much frowned upon because it hints on possesivness. I've also know of men who intentionally stand away from girlfriend and then look for a fight if anyone speaks to her.

seenitall

Yes, although in my experience "the look" is usually less nasty than it is inquisitive, perplexed, or kinda sad.

Oh and I'm sure I've participated in "the look" over the years as well!

People are only human after all.

beks101

Maybe I've been more fortunate than some women, but I've never felt bullied by this behaviour. Moreso just "hey, I met a tw@t. Better steer clear of this one."

Usually the source of their angst is pretty obvious too. They're threatened because they think you're prettier. Or the guy is more into you. Or you're younger. Or slimmer. Or more successful.

If someone wants to shoot icy glares at me or throw a back-handed compliment my way as a means of trying to knock me down, or make a snide joke at my expense, then fire away, they won't be long in my company. If I'm forced to be within their radius (a former work colleague springs to mind), I'll stare right back and ask them to repeat themselves after they've had a dig, make sure everyone in the room is aware of just what we're dealing with.

This isn't my common everyday experience of women though. Yes, we often check each other out. We size one another up. We make swift judgements, we spot almost instantly if not sooner when we're in the company of someone more attractive or slimmer than us. We're human, we're competitive. It's not often in my life at least that this translates to the aforementioned coldness or nastiness, but some people are d1cks, and that's got absolutely nothing to do with me or my behaviour.

It might be a lesson you learn as you get older though. To screen this kind of behaviour out. I certainly remember being a lot more "why doesn't she like me!!" at 20 than I am now at 30, where I have a lot more confidence and know to roll my eyes and get on with my day if I meet this kind of person.

Whitewinged

beks101 wrote: »

Maybe I've been more fortunate than some women, but I've never felt bullied by this behaviour. Moreso just "hey, I met a tw@t. Better steer clear of this one."

Usually the source of their angst is pretty obvious too. They're threatened because they think you're prettier. Or the guy is more into you. Or you're younger. Or slimmer. Or more successful.

If someone wants to shoot icy glares at me or throw a back-handed compliment my way as a means of trying to knock me down, or make a snide joke at my expense, then fire away, they won't be long in my company. If I'm forced to be within their radius (a former work colleague springs to mind), I'll stare right back and ask them to repeat themselves after they've had a dig, make sure everyone in the room is aware of just what we're dealing with.

This isn't my common everyday experience of women though. Yes, we often check each other out. We size one another up. We make swift judgements, we spot almost instantly if not sooner when we're in the company of someone more attractive or slimmer than us. We're human, we're competitive. It's not often in my life at least that this translates to the aforementioned coldness or nastiness, but some people are d1cks, and that's got absolutely nothing to do with me or my behaviour.

It might be a lesson you learn as you get older though. To screen this kind of behaviour out. I certainly remember being a lot more "why doesn't she like me!!" at 20 than I am now at 30, where I have a lot more confidence and know to roll my eyes and get on with my day if I meet this kind of person.

I dont agree tho that it is a lesson to learn as you get older. Of course you understand the dynamics at play better as you get older. You can roll your eyes and its water off a ducks back. I am in my 30s too and very confident however implying that the person recieving the dirty looks "learn as you get older" is still placing the situation away from the bully and that is the person who is acting childish. But obviously yea you just have to take it with a pinch of salt because sometimes people just are that way.

The reason i am focussing on this as a bullying situation is because it was suggested that viewing the "jealous" woman against the "jealous" man reaction was the wider discussion but i believe the wider discussion is that when a woman does confirm that things like this do happen like in the op that she is accused if pitting women against one another which was mentioned in the thread because of the thread title. Das kitty said that it was about men and women because the title said it was a woman thing. When the thread is not about women pitting women against each other. Its about a woman saying that some women do this based her experience and turning to other women to see if they have had similar experiences.

OneOfThem

Ah look, it's definitely a 'thing girls do' thing. It just is. I dunno why, but sit back and watch a very very attractive girl walk into a party and 20% of the women there will throw her a dirty look, 30% will start to fix their hair and clothes and make up and basically fix themselves up, and the other 50% won't pay a blind bit of difference. And no, it's not the same for men, for whatever reason. Good looking guy showing up just wont elicit the same kind of response from men there. I dunno, I'm sure men have other things or whatever, ultra competitiveness when playing a game of tiddly winks or whatever. Just one of these things that are a difference. Like women being smaller than men, or liking shoes more, or whatever, it's just a thing. C'mon now?

Whitewinged

OneOfThem wrote: »

Ah look, it's definitely a 'thing girls do' thing. It just is. I dunno why, but sit back and watch a very very attractive girl walk into a party and 20% of the women there will throw her a dirty look, 30% will start to fix their hair and clothes and make up and basically fix themselves up, and the other 50% won't pay a blind bit of difference. And no, it's not the same for men, for whatever reason. Good looking guy showing up just wont elicit the same kind of response from men there. I dunno, I'm sure men have other things or whatever, ultra competitiveness when playing a game of tiddly winks or whatever. Just one of these things that are a difference. Like women being smaller than men, or liking shoes more, or whatever, it's just a thing. C'mon now?

Oneofthem, are you referring to my post here?

If so, your post is totally unrelated to anything i have said so much so that it is a bizarre response.

i have said that it does exist although i wouldnt refer to it as a "womans thing" and i have been the main person saying that the debate does not need to get to man vs woman.

My main concern was dealing with the issue from ops perspective and the reaction that she will get when telling of such an experience. That the person on the recieving end of someones negative looks is often forgotton about and not discussed and the focus ends unneccesarily on men vs women or women vs women. When op is not attacking anyone or pitting anyone against each other so we dont need to go on the defense. Thats all ive said.

if you are talking about me, in the post above, you might want to go back and read all my posts because your views of my opinion based on what you said above are fabricated and have nothing to do with what i am talking about. If you dont want to do that then go off and play your tiddly winks or whatever! "Cmon now"!

OneOfThem

Whitewinged wrote: »

Oneofthem, are you referring to my post here?

I wasn't Whitewinged, no.

starling

Giving people dirty looks is not an inherently female thing to do. Some people are jealous insecure spas. That's hardly exclusive to either sex.

It's possible to argue that a woman who has insecurity issues is slightly more likely to use passive aggressive sh1t like dirty looks and rudeness than a man is, or that a man is slightly more likely to try to use a physical altercation of some kind, but that's speculation. I think it's lazy and sexist to be claiming that pulling faces, glaring, and and other passive aggressive nonsense is "a thing women do" as opposed to "a thing that childish people do." Christ knows I've met enough passive aggressive, cowardly men.

Personally I prefer not to indulge idiots like that. If someone is rude for no reason then I just think "what an asshat" and have nothing to do with them. I don't come away thinking "why are women so rude" or other silly generalisations.

Whitewinged

OneOfThem wrote: »

I wasn't Whitewinged, no.

Oh ooops

starling

Melisandre121 wrote: »

I think we all know it. That look. I was out with my boyfriends best friend and his girlfriend and she was giving me terrible looks. It made me feel awful as I was hoping so much we'd be friends.

Out of interest, did you ask her why she was giving you dirty looks? Did you talk to your bf about it? What did he say? Hypothetically if I introduced my partner to my friends and one of them was rude and tried to make my partner feel unwelcome for no reason I'd want to know about it.

bee06

I was in the US on holidays this summer and my husband asked me one day did I notice all the women passing who were giving me looks. I hadn't a clue but after he pointed it out I did catch a couple of them. These were just randomers though. I can't imagine why anyone would to it to someone they were out for the night with especially when both boyfriends were there. Never happened to me and never noticed it happen to anyone else either but maybe I'm just away with the fairies and don't notice.

Whitewinged

Luccello wrote: »

You can give the look without being a bully you know. I think Beks' attitude is the right one to have, just ignore it and move on.

No its bullying behaviour no doubt about it. Singling someone out for no reason other than their own insecurities. You can be aware of something going on and that its wrong and still have a similar attitude to beks.

Theres a difference between a woman fixing her hair and being aware of another womans attractiveness and viewing her as competition

And

A woman who actively goes out of her way to intimidate using snide remarks and dirty looks

Also just because the person receiving the dirty looks does not let it get in on them, does not make the behaviour more justified. Its still an effort to attempt to bully.

starling

Whitewinged wrote: »

No its bullying behaviour no doubt about it. Singling someone out for no reason other than their own insecurities. You can be aware of something going on and that its wrong and still have a similar attitude to beks.

Theres a difference between a woman fixing her hair and being aware of another womans attractiveness and viewing her as competition

And

A woman who actively goes out of her way to intimidate using snide remarks and dirty looks

Also just because the person receiving the dirty looks does not let it get in on them, does not make the behaviour more justified. Its still an effort to attempt to bully.

from reading your posts in this thread it seems like you're talking about bullying of an ongoing nature as opposed to what the Op described which is "meeting an insecure person who was passive aggressive and rude."

Nobody's trying to "justify" anything. But if you meet someone on a night out and they are rude to you, you don't need to let their rudeness affect you. You mentioned being dragged in to a couples problems but that is entirely up to you.

I have been bullied and I don't want to sound harsh but at the same time as someone who has experienced bullying I don't like it when people describe one-off instances of rude behaviour as "bullying." Yes, the person might be trying to intimidate you, but other people are only responsible for their own behaviour and you are responsible for yours, so if you have just met someone and they are giving you dirty looks or being pig ignorant then it's up to you to decide if you're going to let that ruin your night. I know that not everyone can be as blunt as I would be and call them out on it, but they only have as much power over you as you choose to give them.

If a boss or coworker is bullying you at work, that's an entirely different situation because not only are you forced to be in their company, you're also expected not to be rude, so it's difficult to either say "Go f*ck yourself" or avoid that person.

All this talk of whether the recipient of rude behaviour "deserves" it is not a very helpful line of thinking. Instead of thinking "This person I just met socially is being rude, I don't deserve that, what a bullying asshat!" it might help to tell yourself "This person I just met socially is rude, but I am not her employee, I am her equal, so i don't have to be in her company or worry about what she thinks of me."

In other words, you don't have to actually tell someone "Go f*ck yourself" out loud. You can tell yourself, in your head, "Well she can go f*ck herself, I'm not playing her mind game."

Whitewinged

Ok starling, im not going to have a debate about whos bullying is worse.

at the beginning of the thread i wrote an example of where this has happened me. I met the girl on two occasions and i felt isolated because we were with mostly her group of friends. I didnt enjoy the wedding and it was through no fault of my own.

Ill give you another example where this has happened to me. I was in a pub and walking out alone to the smoking area. There were two women and a bloke that i passed by on my way. The bloke made a derogatory comment towards me as i passed by which i ignored and kept walking. I was sitting in the smoking area only a couple of seconds when the two girls came out. They both stood over me very close to my personal space while i was sitting. One of them was glaring at me and the other went on a rampage asking me questions and barely giving me time to answer. "Where are you from", "what has you out here", "who are you with". The bloke then arrived out and tried to make conversation. I stayed polite, finished my cigarette and left. I went back to the bar area to my husband but i didnt want to say anything to him because i didnt want to make a big deal. I told him i had a headache and we went home. Up until that point i was having a great night. I felt that with more drink that they could possibly get aggresive with me. I had to leave. It was not a case "oh im stronger than that, im not going to let it ruin my night". I had to leave for my own safety.

another time when i was about sixteen, a girl who i knew of but had never spoke to kept looking at me funny. I overheard her whispering to her mates "yea thats her". They came over asking me if i knew some fella. I told them id never heard of the name and didnt know him. She said "you do" and i said "no i dont". I just ended up walking off.

Now i know those instances are more extreme than the op but just because the behaviour is milder doesnt mean its not wrong or a form of bullying.

Now take someone where that has happened on more than one occasion. It might be different people but the numerous events can build up and the effects are those of someone who is being bullied.

When things like that happen someone and when they speak about it and they are accused of "overreacting", "pitting women against each other", "must have been doing something to provoke it", "youl learn as you get older","you have control over your actions", "that poor girl was probably insecure" or comments like "well it doesnt happen me" then that gives the person a distorted view of what has happened and they may become confused because noone is correctly validating their experience.

Thats why it is important to define even one instance of it happening because if you dont you justify the behaviour and dont aknowledge that it is a form of bullying then your not validating that persons experience.

Im not speaking against women here. Im speaking for women. Im saying that you dont have to pretend something didnt happen just in case the response of speaking about it is negative.

I think it can also be overlooked because people think its a compliment as if someones jealousy is some kind of consolation prize.

starling

I'm not trying debate with you about whose bullying is or was worse. I was trying to give you advice, there's no need to be lashing out at me. Clearly you're very sensitive about all this stuff that's happened to you so I think it might be best if I just leave you to it.

Whitewinged

starling wrote: »

I'm not trying debate with you about whose bullying is or was worse. I was trying to give you advice, there's no need to be lashing out at me. Clearly you're very sensitive about all this stuff that's happened to you so I think it might be best if I just leave you to it.

But starling can you not see that your just doing the same thing again by accusing me of being too sensitive when im just explaining how it is.

starling

I really don't want to continue this discussion with you WW, I'm not trying to be mean but you seem to be feeling extremely sensitive about this topic and I don't think it would help anyone to continue. No hard feelings or anything but I just think it might not be wise.

Whitewinged

starling wrote: »

I really don't want to continue this discussion with you WW, I'm not trying to be mean but you seem to be feeling extremely sensitive about this topic and I don't think it would help anyone to continue. No hard feelings or anything but I just think it might not be wise.

thats fair enough and yes there are no hard feelings. I would just like to point out that i was not "lashing out", i was just as explaining my experience as you had explained yours.

starling

Whitewinged wrote: »

thats fair enough and yes there are no hard feelings. I would just like to point out that i was not "lashing out", i was just as explaining my experience as you had explained yours.

Ok grand so

beks101

A final note on this.

People can and will be rude to you every day of the week in all walks of life.

I live in London. I get yelled at by bus drivers, glared at by passersby or motorists staring at me out of their car windows, or ignored by shop assistants or pushed out of the way in tube stations, or accosted by randomers on the street or thrown dirty looks by anyone who happens to be having a bad day and has a bad attitude to accompany it.

Just like I might get an air of hostility and the body language to match from some woman who thinks I'm some sort of threat to her or my mere presence is going to upstage her or sh1t all over her ego.

My confidence hasn't been ripped to shreds by these incidents. Nor do I construe them as bullying and therefore assigned the role of victim to myself. Because I'm not a victim, and this is just life. I've chosen to live in a busy, noisy city and sh1t like this is going to happen.

If someone crosses a line with me, I'll defend myself by whatever means I choose, but most of the time I'll walk on without flinching, because life would be exhausting if someone else's rudeness always had to be my problem. If it always had to be picked apart and dissected and determined to be part of some greater event where someone was out to get me, or tear me down, and I had to feel an array of emotions that the relatively minor event is absolutely not worth.

Someone throwing me 'a look' and being a passive aggressive dick is absolutely not worth anguishing over.

Whitewinged

Im not disagreeing with you beks.

All i was saying for the whole thread was that it was not a man vs woman thing and that it was not women against women which was the direction the thread was going. I said way back that it was just one of those things and it was just how some people treat others.

The main point that i was making was that when somebody does say that an instance like that occurs that you show an understanding and aknowledge that the behaviour is wrong. Its called empathy.

Imo it is bullying because that person will probably react that same way when another person triggers that insecurity in them.

However it is very difficult to have an adult debate with people who reduce to tactics of labelling people as "too sensitive" or playing the victim for simply stating that a behaviour is wrong.

I know that look. It's never my problem because it's 99.9% pulled out of thin air and not a response to anything I've done or said. It's their problem, and they try make it mine. They can't do that without my co-operation, so if someone is being all glarey and passive-aggressive, I just continue on as normal in the knowledge that my behaviour isn't at fault here.

It's not a common thing, it's only happened a handful of times.

Dial Hard

Whitewinged wrote:

However it is very difficult to have an adult debate with people who reduce to tactics of labelling people as "too sensitive" or playing the victim for simply stating that a behaviour is wrong.

I'll take an infraction for this: you seem to find it very difficult to have an adult debate with practically everyone on Boards, but it's never your fault. Funny, that.

Lucyfur

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Daisy78

Ahh to be honest I find this behaviour a bit pathetic, whether it's a man or woman at fault. It points to a lack of maturity and a lack of self awareness on their part. If an adult can't keep their feelings in check in situations like this then they are at fault, not me. I'd never feel that I was to blame and just chalk it up to that persons insecurities rather than anything I've done. I guess the dynamics of male/female interactions don't tend to lead to this type of carry on as men tend to "pitch" themselves more against other men and likewise with women. So very often you don't observe this behaviour in men but Im absolutely certain it does happen. They may communicate it in a different way, are maybe less demonstrative than women can be, but its not a behaviour thats unique to women, not by a long shot.

dellas1979

I sympathise with WW in what she is trying to say.

I know that look and behaviour too well myself.

I am female, and females terrify me.

Ive had more nasty looks, things said to me, rumours spread about me, and I have never done a thing to merit them.

It is hard to keep up a pretense of "its them not you" when it happens (and pretty regularly).

It is their own insecurities. Yes. But constantly being projected onto is quite frankly tiring. And if you had that too, how would you feel?

meeeeh

I don't know it's very easy to stay out of the petty little feuds with people you don't really know. It's harder if they are with people at work or friends. And men are just as bad at it , I work in very male dominated environment and there is plenty of drama there.

Having said that, sometimes you just don't click with people. Also it can be hard work making conversation with random girl your friend is dating when you know she will last about a month and then new one will come along. They might not know that but we did.

starling

meeeeh wrote: »

I don't know it's very easy to stay out of the petty little feuds with people you don't really know.

This is exactly what I'm saying, you can't control which emotion you might feel when you have a negative encounter like this, but you can control what you focus on and what you do about it.

spurious

Perhaps I'm older than many posting, or perhaps because I spent 30 years dealing with adolescent dramas, but I passed caring what any randomers thought about me about 20 years ago. They can do 'the look' as much as they want, I'm paying no notice.