Starting a relationship with my lecturer

Nobody_can

So I like my lecturer and I'm 100% certain he likes me, let's just say I'm ALWAYS right when I know a guy really likes me. He's at least 15 years older than me. And he just looks at me like he wants me (stares at my face. Checks out my ass boobs and legs ) yes I know this is all too sexual for some of you on here but that's all I really want, sex.

My real question is how do I go about letting him know that I'm up for it.

By the way I don't need anyone to remind me of how "wrong" they think this, we are both old enough to know the consequences and to know what we want. And I don't want to wait until I graduate to make my moves. I want him now so please just answer my question. Thanks

Mark Tapley

Ask him would he like to meet your parents.That should do it.

Nobody_can

He doesn't need to, there are no strings attached.
I don't need my parents permission to get into someone's bed

EoghanIRL

If you like him that much then think of the consequences having a relationship with a student would have on his career

Make sure it's not against any university rules and that you can't get "in trouble".

long_b

If you're mature enough to sleep with him surely you can just ask him out for a drink?

ThunbergsAreGo

Just tell him

Nobody_can

EoghanIRL wrote: »

If you like him that much then think of the consequences having a relationship with a student would have on his career

Make sure it's not against any university rules and that you can't get "in trouble".

Ok. I will try to.

Nobody_can

long_b wrote: »

If you're mature enough to sleep with him surely you can just ask him out for a drink?

It's a little more complicated than that.

Nobody_can

EoghanIRL wrote: »

If you like him that much then think of the consequences having a relationship with a student would have on his career

I feel like our relationship shouldn't affect his career. Actually he was my lecturer last year and I'm pretty sure I won't be having him again this year.

ButtersSuki

Unlike I suspect the previous poster I genuinely lecture (part-time) in one of the universities in Dublin.

I'm not saying it doesn't happen, it does and anyone would be naive to think otherwise.

What I can however say is that it rarely ever works out and the fall out and consequences for all parties are usually awful.

Let's park that much and say you still go for it. He'll have a mountain of crap to deal with ethically - both formally and informally. It is a potentially career-staller, if not career-killer for him.

Not wishing to sound like I'm judging either (I'm not), but you sound like you just want sex, rather than a relationship, right? You're asking him to risk an awful lot career/reputation etc wise for a short period of sex. Do you think he wants that and is willing to pay the price?

Sorry, I hit "send" accidentally there before I had finished. That's what typing on a phone will do when you're shattered.

You're saying you don't want it to affect his career. It will. And only one way - negatively. From actively being held against him when he seeks a promotion, to almost all staff (male and female) frowning upon his behaviour if anything were to happen. The last thing you want to be known for as an academic is perving over students....and that's how it will be perceived. Even if it were "true love" (which yo admit it's not) it would be perceived negatively.

And here's the other thing in these "relationships". They don't even have to be true. The rumour mill alone can kill a career.

Do you ever wonder why lecturers never meet a student on a one to one basis without leaving their office door open? Or if they close it they have a large glass window/panel in the door? By the way, even with the glass window/panel, you're still meant to leave the door open. And that's the basics - it gets much more complicated after that.

On the student's side, when these things end (and again you're admitting you just want a shag, not a relationship), the student tends to be ostracized from almost everyone else in their class/course. You'll see people you thought were friends disappear (some overnight, some gradually) for fear of association and how it may affect their marks etc.

My strong advice to you would be DO NOT go down this road. It will not end well. Get your kicks and gratification elsewhere. You seem very sexually confident. I can't imagine you'd be stuck for suitors, right? Have your fun elsewhere and forget about this.

2 more things:
1. <mod note: banned topic and now results in immediate infractions - please be more careful>
2. Please don't be one of my students!

amdublin

I'd assume there is no issue with this...being both adults.

Is there any rules against this in your/any college?

LegacyUser

OP, a classmate of mine had an affair with her lecturer about 10 years ago. She then entered a LTR with a guy she got married to& has had a child with, so she's living your standard "white picket fence" life. However,classmates still remember the liaison, many will reference it if asked about her even now, her postgraduate qualifications have been overshadowed by the reputation she created for herself at that time in her life.
There must be another man in the entire college you can be with, surely!

MagicMarker

Nobody_can wrote: »

And he just looks at me like he wants me (stares at my face. Checks out my ass boobs and legs )

So what you're saying is.... he's a man?

Believe it or not, men look at women, some are smart enough to leave it at that.

But if you're going to do this, then be a grown up and just ask the guy out ffs. What kind of suggestions are you expecting exactly?

ButtersSuki

amdublin wrote: »

I'd assume there is no issue with this...being both adults.

Is there any rules against this in your/any college?

It's a massive issue and there are rules, yes.

You have to declare it.

It places both parties under enormous scrutiny. All exams will be marked and checked with a microscope as will any previous or future modules involving both parties. This goes for the lecturer as well as the student.

It's not just that though. It's more what's not said upfront. It's the whispering, the gossip etc. from staff and students. Nothing undermines your credibility or authority like something like this.

Avoid!!!!

OneOfThem

Nobody_can wrote: »

It's a little more complicated than that.

It's really not. If he's interested in sleeping with you, he'll say yes. If he's not and just looking (men often look, without having any intention of taking things beyond that), he'll say no.

amdublin

Thanks for clarifying buttersuki. Op is the relationship worth all that buttersuki has laid out?

Grayditch

Get dem grades, gurl.

Nobody_can

ButtersSuki wrote: »

Unlike I suspect the previous poster I genuinely lecture (part-time) in one of the universities in Dublin.

I'm not saying it doesn't happen, it does and anyone would be naive to think otherwise.

What I can however say is that it rarely ever works out and the fall out and consequences for all parties are usually awful.

Let's park that much and say you still go for it. He'll have a mountain of crap to deal with ethically - both formally and informally. It is a potentially career-staller, if not career-killer for him.

Not wishing to sound like I'm judging either (I'm not), but you sound like you just want sex, rather than a relationship, right? You're asking him to risk an awful lot career/reputation etc wise for a short period of sex. Do you think he wants that and is willing to pay the price?

Sorry, I hit "send" accidentally there before I had finished. That's what typing on a phone will do when you're shattered.

You're saying you don't want it to affect his career. It will. And only one way - negatively. From actively being held against him when he seeks a promotion, to almost all staff (male and female) frowning upon his behaviour if anything were to happen. The last thing you want to be known for as an academic is perving over students....and that's how it will be perceived. Even if it were "true love" (which yo admit it's not) it would be perceived negatively.

And here's the other thing in these "relationships". They don't even have to be true. The rumour mill alone can kill a career.

Do you ever wonder why lecturers never meet a student on a one to one basis without leaving their office door open? Or if they close it they have a large glass window/panel in the door? By the way, even with the glass window/panel, you're still meant to leave the door open. And that's the basics - it gets much more complicated after that.

On the student's side, when these things end (and again you're admitting you just want a shag, not a relationship), the student tends to be ostracized from almost everyone else in their class/course. You'll see people you thought were friends disappear (some overnight, some gradually) for fear of association and how it may affect their marks etc.

My strong advice to you would be DO NOT go down this road. It will not end well. Get your kicks and gratification elsewhere. You seem very sexually confident. I can't imagine you'd be stuck for suitors, right? Have your fun elsewhere and forget about this.

2 more things:
1. <mod note: banned topic and now results in immediate infractions - please be more careful>
2. Please don't be one of my students!

You made some really good points. I see where almost everyone is coming from. I'll try to respect that it will affect his career.

Why would you say that. Do you check out your students ?

Nobody_can

Dgghgfx wrote: »

OP, a classmate of mine had an affair with her lecturer about 10 years ago. She then entered a LTR with a guy she got married to& has had a child with, so she's living your standard "white picket fence" life. However,classmates still remember the liaison, many will reference it if asked about her even now, her postgraduate qualifications have been overshadowed by the reputation she created for herself at that time in her life.
There must be another man in the entire college you can be with, surely!

Rumours tend to do that. I'm not worried about being disliked, I don't care what others think of me. But I'm worried for him, I can tell he is a good man.

Nobody_can

ButtersSuki wrote: »

Unlike I suspect the previous poster I genuinely lecture (part-time) in one of the universities in Dublin.

Not wishing to sound like I'm judging either (I'm not), but you sound like you just want sex, rather than a relationship, right? You're asking him to risk an awful lot career/reputation etc wise for a short period of sex. Do you think he wants that and is willing to pay the price?

My strong advice to you would be DO NOT go down this road. It will not end well. Get your kicks and gratification elsewhere. You seem very sexually confident. I can't imagine you'd be stuck for suitors, right? Have your fun elsewhere and forget about this.


What if no-one knows? Seeing as you are a lecturer has it ever occurred to you that no college actually has any rules specifically stating you cannot date your lecturer and that it will affect both parties career wise ?

Nobody_can

Nobody_can wrote: »

ButtersSuki wrote: »

Unlike I suspect the previous poster I genuinely lecture (part-time) in one of the universities in Dublin.

Not wishing to sound like I'm judging either (I'm not), but you sound like you just want sex, rather than a relationship, right? You're asking him to risk an awful lot career/reputation etc wise for a short period of sex. Do you think he wants that and is willing to pay the price?

My strong advice to you would be DO NOT go down this road. It will not end well. Get your kicks and gratification elsewhere. You seem very sexually confident. I can't imagine you'd be stuck for suitors, right? Have your fun elsewhere and forget about this.


What if no-one knows? Seeing as you are a lecturer has it ever occurred to you that no college actually has any rules specifically stating you cannot date your lecturer and that it will affect both parties career wise ?

And I don't want sex from anyone else. I like him but in a "let's have sex" kind of way.

Nobody_can

amdublin wrote: »

I'd assume there is no issue with this...being both adults.

Is there any rules against this in your/any college?

I looked it up and there are no rules against it.

Nobody_can

MagicMarker wrote: »

So what you're saying is.... he's a man?

Believe it or not, men look at women, some are smart enough to leave it at that.

But if you're going to do this, then be a grown up and just ask the guy out ffs. What kind of suggestions are you expecting exactly?

The looks he gives me aren't just looks of a casual nature. Trust me I know men look at me all the time. The looks he gives me are way more intense. He is physically attracted to me

Penny Tration

Nobody_can wrote: »

The looks he gives me aren't just looks of a casual nature. Trust me I know men look at me all the time. The looks he gives me are way more intense. He is physically attracted to me

So ask him for a drink.

I don't understand what you're looking for here. You claim you know he fancies you, and argue against people who say not to do it. So do it?

Nobody_can

ButtersSuki wrote: »

It's a massive issue and there are rules, yes.

You have to declare it.

It places both parties under enormous scrutiny. All exams will be marked and checked with a microscope as will any previous or future modules involving both parties. This goes for the lecturer as well as the student.

It's not just that though. It's more what's not said upfront. It's the whispering, the gossip etc. from staff and students. Nothing undermines your credibility or authority like something like this.

Avoid!!!!

Please tell me where I can find these rules. What are the regulations in place.

Tell me exactly where I can find these rules.

Nobody_can

Penny Tration wrote: »

So ask him for a drink.

I don't understand what you're looking for here. You claim you know he fancies you, and argue against people who say not to do it. So do it?

I'm not trying to offend you. I'm just stating the facts.

Penny Tration

Nobody_can wrote: »

I'm not trying to offend you. I'm just stating the facts.

I'm not offended. I'm genuinely wondering what advice you want.

You've been told not to do it - you've argued against that.

You've been told to ask him out - you've said you cant.

You've been told he might just be checking you out - you've said no, he's interested.

What else do you want to hear? You've been told to ask him, not ask him, that he fancies you, that he doesn't fancy you. And you've refuted each point.

OneOfThem

Nobody_can wrote: »

The looks he gives me aren't just looks of a casual nature. Trust me I know men look at me all the time. The looks he gives me are way more intense. He is physically attracted to me

If every man slept with every woman they were sexually attracted to, and stared at, they'd have to quit their lecturing (or whatever) job because there simply wouldn't be enough hours in the day. Finding someone sexually attractive and wanting to have sex with them in the abstract, doesn't necessarily translate into actually wanting to go through with it.

That doesn't mean he doesn't want to sleep with you. But it doesn't mean he does. But the only way you'll know is to make a move, ask him out.

MagicMarker

And even if he does want to sleep with you, that doesn't mean he will.

Nobody_can

Penny Tration wrote: »

I'm not offended. I'm genuinely wondering what advice you want.

You've been told not to do it - you've argued against that.

You've been told to ask him out - you've said you cant.

You've been told he might just be checking you out - you've said no, he's interested.

What else do you want to hear? You've been told to ask him, not ask him, that he fancies you, that he doesn't fancy you. And you've refuted each point.

I see where you are coming from. I do have all the advice I need for the go ahead. I think I'm ready to do this.

Nobody_can

OneOfThem wrote: »

If every man slept with every woman they were sexually attracted to, and stared at, they'd have to quit their lecturing (or whatever) job because there simply wouldn't be enough hours in the day. Finding someone sexually attractive and wanting to have sex with them in the abstract, doesn't necessarily translate into actually wanting to go through with it.

That doesn't mean he doesn't want to sleep with you. But it doesn't mean he does. But the only way you'll know is to make a move, ask him out.

You really are just naive. If someone really wants to shag the poop out of someone. It's going to be really hard for him to control his physical attraction towards me.

Please don't think there aren't plenty of boys in my college that want to shag me. I know I'm sexy or whatever but I know this man is dying to and I want someone a little more mature.

MagicMarker

Nobody_can wrote: »

You really are just naive. If someone really wants to shag the poop out of someone. It's going to be really hard for him to control his physical attraction towards me.

Please don't think there aren't plenty of boys in my college that want to shag me. I know I'm sexy or whatever but I know this man is dying to and I want someone a little more mature.

Well here's hoping he isn't looking for someone a little more mature.

Eugene Norman

Nobody_can wrote: »

I'm not trying to offend you. I'm just stating the facts.

I don't think you are looking for advice in a forum all about advice, except technical explanations of your university rules which we can't answer because we don't know it.

OneOfThem

Nobody_can wrote: »

You really are just naive. If someone really wants to shag the poop out of someone. It's going to be really hard for him to control his physical attraction towards me.

Please don't think there aren't plenty of boys in my college that want to shag me. I know I'm sexy or whatever but I know this man is dying to and I want someone a little more mature.

I think you're the one that's naive. It's entirely possible he looks at 20 of his students the exact same as he looks at you, and 200 women a day outside of work in the exact same way, and finds them all very sexually attractive. It's entirely possible he's had ample oppurtunity to sleep with many of them, and didn't. That just makes him a man, not a man that can't resist you specifically. It's entirely possible in other circumstances he may want to sleep with you, but wouldn't want the potential hassle of sleeping with a student, be that you or any other attractive students that have had a crush on him, it's a common enough thing for students to try and put the moves on a lecturer.

But sure go for it, only one way to find out.

santana75

Nobody_can wrote: »

You really are just naive. If someone really wants to shag the poop out of someone. It's going to be really hard for him to control his physical attraction towards me.

Please don't think there aren't plenty of boys in my college that want to shag me. I know I'm sexy or whatever but I know this man is dying to and I want someone a little more mature.

Ego makes even the most physically attractive person ugly.

Penny Tration

Nobody_can wrote: »

You really are just naive. If someone really wants to shag the poop out of someone. It's going to be really hard for him to control his physical attraction towards me.

Please don't think there aren't plenty of boys in my college that want to shag me. I know I'm sexy or whatever but I know this man is dying to and I want someone a little more mature.

I'm not even trying to be rude here, but have you considered that maybe other people aren't as obsessed with how you look as you are?

Nobody_can

santana75 wrote: »

Ego makes even the most physically attractive person ugly.

Thanks. When you write a forum and everyone knocks you down and hunt that you may be slightly crazy lets see how you would respond on the receiving end

Penny Tration

Nobody_can wrote: »

Thanks. When you write a forum and everyone knocks you down and hunt that you may be slightly crazy lets see how you would respond on the receiving end

Nobody has said you're crazy. People are saying that shagging your lecturer is a bad idea.

baby and crumble

Nobody_can wrote: »

You really are just naive. If someone really wants to shag the poop out of someone. It's going to be really hard for him to control his physical attraction towards me.

Firstly, "shag the poop" out of someone is a new phrase on me. :eek:

Second, in all honesty, OP, you are the one who sounds naive. There are times in my life where I have been around women I really REALLY wanted to have sex with, and guess what? I could control myself. People aren't animals, unless every single one of his defence mechanisms are down, he has some level of control over himself.

Even if there are no "rules" against it in the student handbook or available to YOU, I'd nearly guarantee there's a stipulation somewhere in his contract, or in his employment terms and conditions that forbids relationships with students.

After all is said and done, do you really want to put him in the position of having to disclose any move you make on him to his superior? Because if he has any sense that's what he'll do, straight away. I know I would have if I was teaching- I was gesturing with my hand once in a conversation and it grazed a students chest. I don't think I wrote a report to my boss as fast afterwards in my life.

Nobody_can

OneOfThem wrote: »

If every man slept with every woman they were sexually attracted to, and stared at, they'd have to quit their lecturing (or whatever) job because there simply wouldn't be enough hours in the day. Finding someone sexually attractive and wanting to have sex with them in the abstract, doesn't necessarily translate into actually wanting to go through with it.

That doesn't mean he doesn't want to sleep with you. But it doesn't mean he does. But the only way you'll know is to make a move, ask him out.

That's a ridiculous statement to make. It's different when he checks you out all the time. And I've seen him in the middle of lectures and all that stuff I know how he looks at students and how he looks at me.

OneOfThem

Nobody_can wrote: »

That's a ridiculous statement to make. It's different when he checks you out all the time. And I've seen him in the middle of lectures and all that stuff I know how he looks at students and how he looks at me.

sure. He's only got eyes for you in all the world. Whatever you say. Go for it so, what you waiting for. Good luck.

Eugene Norman

Nobody_can wrote: »

That's a ridiculous statement to make. It's different when he checks you out all the time. And I've seen him in the middle of lectures and all that stuff I know how he looks at students and how he looks at me.

Let's assume that he does and you are as attractive as you say. You say he's at least 15 ( but possibly more) years older than you. I'm guessing 35-40. That means he's been lecturing for probably a decade or more.

In those years there will always be extremely attractive student in any class. Or two.Or more.

Presumably he's an attractive enough guy.


You are probably not the first girl he has ogled, who's also liked him. How many do you think he has slept with. ( Bear in mind a college campus, even if it has no rules on student fraternisation -- which is unlikely -- is like a village and there will be gossip. He would have a reputation).

If none, then why you? Your claim of our nativity, that people always sleep with whom they are attracted to, is itself naive. That might be the experience of a very hot 20 year old woman ( no reason to assume you are lying on that) with regards to men of that age with few responsibilities. But it doesn't continue like that.

Nevertheless Feel free to ask him out.

The Princess Bride

I've done some lecturing in my time- not if I'd been celibate for months would I ever cross that line.
I know a lot of lecturers who'd agree, it's just not worth jeopardising their careers, especially for "just sex".

I once had a friend who went back to college as a mature student. She was forever saying that one of her lecturers fancied her, that she knew by the way she'd catch him looking at her.
After she graduated, she got hold of his mother's phone number (cringe);rang and left a message asking him to contact her as she wanted to meet for a coffee. He never made contact.

Same person also thought her physiotherapist fancied her and the satellite installation man.....a decade later she's still single.

Am sure there are lots of older men you can find for just sex, who aren't looking to complicate their lives.

Penny Tration

Nobody_can wrote: »

First of all you know damn well what I meant by using those words instead of cursing.

Secondly if he was half as professionally cautious as you he wouldn't for months check out or find an excuse to check me out. It doesn't make sense! I him recently and I swear it took him all his will power to continue his conversation with his colleague while still checking me out. I mean if he had to just turn and look at my ass while walking past me doesn't that mean he is not in tune with professionalism when it comes down to it?

Checking you out hasn't got much to do with his professionalism. It's what people do. Hell I'm female and i do it all the time. It doesn't mean i have no self control and will throw myself at the first penis belonging to a man i find attractive.

Go for it if that's what you want. But bear the consequences in mind if he accepts.

And bear in mind that he'll still be your lecturer and someone he teaches every single day if he rejects you.

Penny Tration

Nobody_can wrote: »

Yeah I see what you mean.
But the only reason I wouldn't pursue this is because of his career. Not because I'm wrong about this. I'm one of those people that knows people better than they know themselves. And every time I have ever thought a guy really liked me, he did. Beside knowing when a guy likes me I once told my friend how her friend was going to screw her over and a week later she did exactly what I said she would do... This is my 6th sense and I'm pretty damn good at it

It's not a sixth sense. It's being a decent judge of character. And people in their early twenties are as easy to read as a junior infants book. I ALWAYS knew when someone liked me when I was that age, because young people aren't emotionally mature enough to hide their feelings properly.

Now, at 26? Couldn't tell you if a man liked me. I could tell if he was checking me out, but all that means is he likes how I look. Nothing else.

Nobody_can

Penny Tration wrote: »

It's not a sixth sense. It's being a decent judge of character. And people in their early twenties are as easy to read as a junior infants book. I ALWAYS knew when someone liked me when I was that age, because young people aren't emotionally mature enough to hide their feelings properly.

Now, at 26? Couldn't tell you if a man liked me. I could tell if he was checking me out, but all that means is he likes how I look. Nothing else.

Not for me. I've predicted some pretty unpredictable stuff you know. At the start of college one of my friends decides to get involved with this guy I told her straight up that I didn't like him and that he was too shady. Next thing you know he is spreading vicious rumours about her sex life. Tell me this isn't 6th sense

MagicMarker

Nobody_can wrote: »

Yeah I see what you mean.
But the only reason I wouldn't pursue this is because of his career. Not because I'm wrong about this. I'm one of those people that knows people better than they know themselves. And every time I have ever thought a guy really liked me, he did. Beside knowing when a guy likes me I once told my friend how her friend was going to screw her over and a week later she did exactly what I said she would do... This is my 6th sense and I'm pretty damn good at it

You sound deluded tbh.

Penny Tration

Nobody_can wrote: »

Not for me. I've predicted some pretty unpredictable stuff you know. At the start of college one of my friends decides to get involved with this guy I told her straight up that I didn't like him and that he was too shady. Next thing you know he is spreading vicious rumours about her sex life. Tell me this isn't 6th sense

It's not. It's being a fairly good judge of character. It's pretty simple really.

beks101

OP you sound like the biggest cliche in the book. Young hot college student who's bored of shagging the child-ish predictable men her age and wants someone a bit more "mature", a bit more of a challenge.

That and the shameless self-delusion. Straight men check women out as a rule. It's been happening since the dawn of time. Especially fit young 19 year old college students. I remember what that was like. I remember growing boobs and getting curves and my face maturing and discovering makeup and all eyes on me in every room I walked into. The ogling and the staring at every opportunity. It's easy to spot and it's a rush of blood to the head when you've still got the brain of a child and suddenly discover the power and control your sexuality offers you on a plate.

You get cocky and smug and want to push the boundaries, you want the forbidden men that you're so sure want you too. Give yourself ten years love. The married men and older men and friend's partners and shopkeepers and bosses and prospective employers etc will still be looking, because it's what they do, they just won't be leaving their wives/girlfriends/families/jobs for you because sexual attraction is one thing, reality is quite another.

Enjoy being young and attractive. It's great. It doesn't give you carte blache to be a morally-deficit dickhead though, at least not without garnering a very serious reputation.

baby and crumble

Nobody_can wrote: »

Secondly if he was half as professionally cautious as you he wouldn't for months check out or find an excuse to check me out. It doesn't make sense! I him recently and I swear it took him all his will power to continue his conversation with his colleague while still checking me out. I mean if he had to just turn and look at my ass while walking past me doesn't that mean he is not in tune with professionalism when it comes down to it?

Look, I'm not trying to wind you up. But here's the deal.

Human beings, ALL of us, check people out. Yes, sometimes it's very hard to remain professional if there's someone you find really hot walking by. I, for example, have nearly been knocked down by cars because I got distracted by hot women.

HOWEVER. Getting distracted to the point of losing the run of our sentence does not equal wanting to jeopardise your career. Even if e is unprofessional and would say to randomly scoring a student, would you want to be responsible for that?

Also, are you sure he's even single? If not, would you be happy to ruin his relationship, even if you don't sleep with him, the simplest hint of a rumour could really jeopardise it. And Universities are breeding grounds for rumours.

Lastly, and I mean no disrespect- you need to tone down the unbelievable levels of arrogance you portray. I get it- you're probably a hot 20 year old. Hot 20 year olds may make your world go around, but not the rest of it. If this guy has been teaching in University for a couple of years he's seen hot students come and go. Being able to surround yourself with beautiful young people is a perk of the job, I will admit. But when it comes down to it most folks don't dip their pen in the company ink.

osarusan

Him eyeing you up and thinking about how he'd fancy sleeping with you, and him actually having any intention of actually sleeping with you are completely different things.