Starting a relationship with my lecturer

Nobody_can

So I like my lecturer and I'm 100% certain he likes me, let's just say I'm ALWAYS right when I know a guy really likes me. He's at least 15 years older than me. And he just looks at me like he wants me (stares at my face. Checks out my ass boobs and legs ) yes I know this is all too sexual for some of you on here but that's all I really want, sex.

My real question is how do I go about letting him know that I'm up for it.

By the way I don't need anyone to remind me of how "wrong" they think this, we are both old enough to know the consequences and to know what we want. And I don't want to wait until I graduate to make my moves. I want him now so please just answer my question. Thanks

Mark Tapley

Ask him would he like to meet your parents.That should do it.

Nobody_can

He doesn't need to, there are no strings attached.
I don't need my parents permission to get into someone's bed

EoghanIRL

If you like him that much then think of the consequences having a relationship with a student would have on his career

Make sure it's not against any university rules and that you can't get "in trouble".

long_b

If you're mature enough to sleep with him surely you can just ask him out for a drink?

ThunbergsAreGo

Just tell him

Nobody_can

EoghanIRL wrote: »

If you like him that much then think of the consequences having a relationship with a student would have on his career

Make sure it's not against any university rules and that you can't get "in trouble".

Ok. I will try to.

Nobody_can

long_b wrote: »

If you're mature enough to sleep with him surely you can just ask him out for a drink?

It's a little more complicated than that.

Nobody_can

EoghanIRL wrote: »

If you like him that much then think of the consequences having a relationship with a student would have on his career

I feel like our relationship shouldn't affect his career. Actually he was my lecturer last year and I'm pretty sure I won't be having him again this year.

ButtersSuki

Unlike I suspect the previous poster I genuinely lecture (part-time) in one of the universities in Dublin.

I'm not saying it doesn't happen, it does and anyone would be naive to think otherwise.

What I can however say is that it rarely ever works out and the fall out and consequences for all parties are usually awful.

Let's park that much and say you still go for it. He'll have a mountain of crap to deal with ethically - both formally and informally. It is a potentially career-staller, if not career-killer for him.

Not wishing to sound like I'm judging either (I'm not), but you sound like you just want sex, rather than a relationship, right? You're asking him to risk an awful lot career/reputation etc wise for a short period of sex. Do you think he wants that and is willing to pay the price?

Sorry, I hit "send" accidentally there before I had finished. That's what typing on a phone will do when you're shattered.

You're saying you don't want it to affect his career. It will. And only one way - negatively. From actively being held against him when he seeks a promotion, to almost all staff (male and female) frowning upon his behaviour if anything were to happen. The last thing you want to be known for as an academic is perving over students....and that's how it will be perceived. Even if it were "true love" (which yo admit it's not) it would be perceived negatively.

And here's the other thing in these "relationships". They don't even have to be true. The rumour mill alone can kill a career.

Do you ever wonder why lecturers never meet a student on a one to one basis without leaving their office door open? Or if they close it they have a large glass window/panel in the door? By the way, even with the glass window/panel, you're still meant to leave the door open. And that's the basics - it gets much more complicated after that.

On the student's side, when these things end (and again you're admitting you just want a shag, not a relationship), the student tends to be ostracized from almost everyone else in their class/course. You'll see people you thought were friends disappear (some overnight, some gradually) for fear of association and how it may affect their marks etc.

My strong advice to you would be DO NOT go down this road. It will not end well. Get your kicks and gratification elsewhere. You seem very sexually confident. I can't imagine you'd be stuck for suitors, right? Have your fun elsewhere and forget about this.

2 more things:
1. <mod note: banned topic and now results in immediate infractions - please be more careful>
2. Please don't be one of my students!

amdublin

I'd assume there is no issue with this...being both adults.

Is there any rules against this in your/any college?

LegacyUser

OP, a classmate of mine had an affair with her lecturer about 10 years ago. She then entered a LTR with a guy she got married to& has had a child with, so she's living your standard "white picket fence" life. However,classmates still remember the liaison, many will reference it if asked about her even now, her postgraduate qualifications have been overshadowed by the reputation she created for herself at that time in her life.
There must be another man in the entire college you can be with, surely!

MagicMarker

Nobody_can wrote: »

And he just looks at me like he wants me (stares at my face. Checks out my ass boobs and legs )

So what you're saying is.... he's a man?

Believe it or not, men look at women, some are smart enough to leave it at that.

But if you're going to do this, then be a grown up and just ask the guy out ffs. What kind of suggestions are you expecting exactly?

ButtersSuki

amdublin wrote: »

I'd assume there is no issue with this...being both adults.

Is there any rules against this in your/any college?

It's a massive issue and there are rules, yes.

You have to declare it.

It places both parties under enormous scrutiny. All exams will be marked and checked with a microscope as will any previous or future modules involving both parties. This goes for the lecturer as well as the student.

It's not just that though. It's more what's not said upfront. It's the whispering, the gossip etc. from staff and students. Nothing undermines your credibility or authority like something like this.

Avoid!!!!

OneOfThem

Nobody_can wrote: »

It's a little more complicated than that.

It's really not. If he's interested in sleeping with you, he'll say yes. If he's not and just looking (men often look, without having any intention of taking things beyond that), he'll say no.

amdublin

Thanks for clarifying buttersuki. Op is the relationship worth all that buttersuki has laid out?

Grayditch

Get dem grades, gurl.

Nobody_can

ButtersSuki wrote: »

Unlike I suspect the previous poster I genuinely lecture (part-time) in one of the universities in Dublin.

I'm not saying it doesn't happen, it does and anyone would be naive to think otherwise.

What I can however say is that it rarely ever works out and the fall out and consequences for all parties are usually awful.

Let's park that much and say you still go for it. He'll have a mountain of crap to deal with ethically - both formally and informally. It is a potentially career-staller, if not career-killer for him.

Not wishing to sound like I'm judging either (I'm not), but you sound like you just want sex, rather than a relationship, right? You're asking him to risk an awful lot career/reputation etc wise for a short period of sex. Do you think he wants that and is willing to pay the price?

Sorry, I hit "send" accidentally there before I had finished. That's what typing on a phone will do when you're shattered.

You're saying you don't want it to affect his career. It will. And only one way - negatively. From actively being held against him when he seeks a promotion, to almost all staff (male and female) frowning upon his behaviour if anything were to happen. The last thing you want to be known for as an academic is perving over students....and that's how it will be perceived. Even if it were "true love" (which yo admit it's not) it would be perceived negatively.

And here's the other thing in these "relationships". They don't even have to be true. The rumour mill alone can kill a career.

Do you ever wonder why lecturers never meet a student on a one to one basis without leaving their office door open? Or if they close it they have a large glass window/panel in the door? By the way, even with the glass window/panel, you're still meant to leave the door open. And that's the basics - it gets much more complicated after that.

On the student's side, when these things end (and again you're admitting you just want a shag, not a relationship), the student tends to be ostracized from almost everyone else in their class/course. You'll see people you thought were friends disappear (some overnight, some gradually) for fear of association and how it may affect their marks etc.

My strong advice to you would be DO NOT go down this road. It will not end well. Get your kicks and gratification elsewhere. You seem very sexually confident. I can't imagine you'd be stuck for suitors, right? Have your fun elsewhere and forget about this.

2 more things:
1. <mod note: banned topic and now results in immediate infractions - please be more careful>
2. Please don't be one of my students!

You made some really good points. I see where almost everyone is coming from. I'll try to respect that it will affect his career.

Why would you say that. Do you check out your students ?

Nobody_can

Dgghgfx wrote: »

OP, a classmate of mine had an affair with her lecturer about 10 years ago. She then entered a LTR with a guy she got married to& has had a child with, so she's living your standard "white picket fence" life. However,classmates still remember the liaison, many will reference it if asked about her even now, her postgraduate qualifications have been overshadowed by the reputation she created for herself at that time in her life.
There must be another man in the entire college you can be with, surely!

Rumours tend to do that. I'm not worried about being disliked, I don't care what others think of me. But I'm worried for him, I can tell he is a good man.

Nobody_can

ButtersSuki wrote: »

Unlike I suspect the previous poster I genuinely lecture (part-time) in one of the universities in Dublin.

Not wishing to sound like I'm judging either (I'm not), but you sound like you just want sex, rather than a relationship, right? You're asking him to risk an awful lot career/reputation etc wise for a short period of sex. Do you think he wants that and is willing to pay the price?

My strong advice to you would be DO NOT go down this road. It will not end well. Get your kicks and gratification elsewhere. You seem very sexually confident. I can't imagine you'd be stuck for suitors, right? Have your fun elsewhere and forget about this.


What if no-one knows? Seeing as you are a lecturer has it ever occurred to you that no college actually has any rules specifically stating you cannot date your lecturer and that it will affect both parties career wise ?

Nobody_can

Nobody_can wrote: »

ButtersSuki wrote: »

Unlike I suspect the previous poster I genuinely lecture (part-time) in one of the universities in Dublin.

Not wishing to sound like I'm judging either (I'm not), but you sound like you just want sex, rather than a relationship, right? You're asking him to risk an awful lot career/reputation etc wise for a short period of sex. Do you think he wants that and is willing to pay the price?

My strong advice to you would be DO NOT go down this road. It will not end well. Get your kicks and gratification elsewhere. You seem very sexually confident. I can't imagine you'd be stuck for suitors, right? Have your fun elsewhere and forget about this.


What if no-one knows? Seeing as you are a lecturer has it ever occurred to you that no college actually has any rules specifically stating you cannot date your lecturer and that it will affect both parties career wise ?

And I don't want sex from anyone else. I like him but in a "let's have sex" kind of way.

Nobody_can

amdublin wrote: »

I'd assume there is no issue with this...being both adults.

Is there any rules against this in your/any college?

I looked it up and there are no rules against it.

Nobody_can

MagicMarker wrote: »

So what you're saying is.... he's a man?

Believe it or not, men look at women, some are smart enough to leave it at that.

But if you're going to do this, then be a grown up and just ask the guy out ffs. What kind of suggestions are you expecting exactly?

The looks he gives me aren't just looks of a casual nature. Trust me I know men look at me all the time. The looks he gives me are way more intense. He is physically attracted to me

Penny Tration

Nobody_can wrote: »

The looks he gives me aren't just looks of a casual nature. Trust me I know men look at me all the time. The looks he gives me are way more intense. He is physically attracted to me

So ask him for a drink.

I don't understand what you're looking for here. You claim you know he fancies you, and argue against people who say not to do it. So do it?

Nobody_can

ButtersSuki wrote: »

It's a massive issue and there are rules, yes.

You have to declare it.

It places both parties under enormous scrutiny. All exams will be marked and checked with a microscope as will any previous or future modules involving both parties. This goes for the lecturer as well as the student.

It's not just that though. It's more what's not said upfront. It's the whispering, the gossip etc. from staff and students. Nothing undermines your credibility or authority like something like this.

Avoid!!!!

Please tell me where I can find these rules. What are the regulations in place.

Tell me exactly where I can find these rules.

Nobody_can

Penny Tration wrote: »

So ask him for a drink.

I don't understand what you're looking for here. You claim you know he fancies you, and argue against people who say not to do it. So do it?

I'm not trying to offend you. I'm just stating the facts.

Penny Tration

Nobody_can wrote: »

I'm not trying to offend you. I'm just stating the facts.

I'm not offended. I'm genuinely wondering what advice you want.

You've been told not to do it - you've argued against that.

You've been told to ask him out - you've said you cant.

You've been told he might just be checking you out - you've said no, he's interested.

What else do you want to hear? You've been told to ask him, not ask him, that he fancies you, that he doesn't fancy you. And you've refuted each point.

OneOfThem

Nobody_can wrote: »

The looks he gives me aren't just looks of a casual nature. Trust me I know men look at me all the time. The looks he gives me are way more intense. He is physically attracted to me

If every man slept with every woman they were sexually attracted to, and stared at, they'd have to quit their lecturing (or whatever) job because there simply wouldn't be enough hours in the day. Finding someone sexually attractive and wanting to have sex with them in the abstract, doesn't necessarily translate into actually wanting to go through with it.

That doesn't mean he doesn't want to sleep with you. But it doesn't mean he does. But the only way you'll know is to make a move, ask him out.

MagicMarker

And even if he does want to sleep with you, that doesn't mean he will.

Nobody_can

Penny Tration wrote: »

I'm not offended. I'm genuinely wondering what advice you want.

You've been told not to do it - you've argued against that.

You've been told to ask him out - you've said you cant.

You've been told he might just be checking you out - you've said no, he's interested.

What else do you want to hear? You've been told to ask him, not ask him, that he fancies you, that he doesn't fancy you. And you've refuted each point.

I see where you are coming from. I do have all the advice I need for the go ahead. I think I'm ready to do this.

Nobody_can

OneOfThem wrote: »

If every man slept with every woman they were sexually attracted to, and stared at, they'd have to quit their lecturing (or whatever) job because there simply wouldn't be enough hours in the day. Finding someone sexually attractive and wanting to have sex with them in the abstract, doesn't necessarily translate into actually wanting to go through with it.

That doesn't mean he doesn't want to sleep with you. But it doesn't mean he does. But the only way you'll know is to make a move, ask him out.

You really are just naive. If someone really wants to shag the poop out of someone. It's going to be really hard for him to control his physical attraction towards me.

Please don't think there aren't plenty of boys in my college that want to shag me. I know I'm sexy or whatever but I know this man is dying to and I want someone a little more mature.