Blurred lines of friends with benefits

annabann

Having met this guy on line we decided we'd hook up. We were clear at the start it would be a bit of fun and whatever happened happened. So we met and chatted and got on ok. We got really drunk and had sex. All grand. He text after that to say he'd like to meet up again. I thought fine. But didn't really care either way. So over the next 3 months plans to meet fell through and I lost interest. But he would always keep up the texting. Then a friend suggested that he wouldn't be hanging around like that for that long if he didn't have some kind of interest and I'd want to hurry up and meet him again if I wanted to hold his attention. So I arranged for him to come to my house. It went really well and he stayed over until the next afternoon. He left saying we'd do it again soon. After that he started to text me everyday and his messages were full of smiley faces and kisses and pet names. I'm thinking wft has gotten into this guy. So this continues for a couple of weeks....the texting that is. I haven't met him since. So I find myself starting to like the guy so I draw back. Now as I said I wasn't looking for a relationship. So I perused other love interests.....namely an ex who had become keen again. I end up sleeping with my ex. All fine
So I'm texting with the other dude and I start to tell him a story about how I had to go with my friend on a date because the guy she was meeting insisted on bringing a friend. I laughed about how I hoped this guy wouldn't expect anything of me. Then he replied sure ur a free agent. Fair enough I thought. But for some reason it got my back up so I ended up telling him I had been with someone else. He was cool and asked me who out of curiosity ans I told him my ex. Then he got kinda cool. So I asked him was it a bit weird for him and he said..... a lil bit yea. So I asked him if it bothered him to which he replied of course not. So what's the problem then I think! I explained that it didn't mean I didn't like him. Which it doesn't, I really do like him but it's not a relationship. So I said you've gone quiet on me. He just replied......Mmmmh. I sent a question mark but all I got back was enjoy ur night. Having a beer x. I mean why am I getting the cold shoulder. I don't see why he has beef here. Am I right in thinking he's pissed because I was with someone else? Surely not. I doubt he's been the Virgin Mary since we met either. Or is he weird because I said I liked him? Bloody hell of course I like him!! I wouldn't spend time with him if I didn't like him as a person. It doesn't mean I want to marry him and have babies

laserlad2010

So.... You like this guy, he likes you, he confirms you're a free agent, and then you go and rub his face in it? With your ex?

The guy was just protecting himself. No guy wants to get involved on any level with a girl who has an ex on the scene. He clearly started to like you, but confirmed you weren't in any sort of relationship. At this point it would have been a good idea to stop labouring the point.

Instead you send a text that to any outsider, and indeed him, has a clear intent of messing with him. You already had the confirmation of FWB, now in his eyes you're attempting to make him jealous. Of course any sane guy would be considering pulling back.

I'm sorry, but even though he shouldn't have blurred the lines with his affection, he's acted entirely appropriately by acting cool with someone who is still involved with her ex and tells him about it, even though it's pretty clear that he has feelings for her.

It's not going to work. You know he has stronger feelings for you, don't mess him about, and find someone who doesn't like you as much.

Jotunheim

The communication here seems to consist of two people being dishonest with themselves and each other, playing it cool to hide what they want, not admitting to investment, having no clue how to read each other and doing most of it by text of some kind. How in the name of jaysis would that *not* lead to a totally unsatisfactory situation? Talk to each other face to face and have an honest conversation before he make any more of a mess and If it's not worth that then just leave it and move on.

Oryx

Are you trying to say you didnt know he was emotionally invested? Hes texting you everyday. Of course you knew. If you want to be cool with him then dont feed off his daily attention and basically string him along, then rub his face in it when you want him to back off. The initial agreement you both made to stay cool changed on his part. His actions will have told you that. Youve now bluntly told him how things stand, of course he is going to back off.

El_Duderino 09

laserlad2010 wrote:

So.... You like this guy, he likes you, he confirms you're a free agent, and then you go and rub his face in it? With your ex?

This.

Talking about how you're still having sex with your ex, is telling the new guy hes the 'rebound guy'.

If you want to know the story, talk to him. Friends with benefits is over. You need to figure out where the relationship goes next

Typer Monkey

Basically your pride was hurt when he said 'you're a free agent' so, knowing he was keen on you, you decided to put the boot in and tell him you were sleeping with your ex as revenge for denting your pride. Nice! No wonder he got thick with you.

Decide what you want and act decently would be my advice

Merkin

I'm afraid this situation is entirely of your own making. You guys had quite a fun set up by the sounds of things and your bid to make him jealous backfired. He mightn't have been quite ready to propose a romantic sail into the sunset but no guy wants to hear about sexual conquests concurrent with their involvement either. I think he has behaved entirely as one would expect given the situation. If you DO like him then stop playing games but I'd be wary that you may face missed the boat on this particular occasion unfortunately.

OnTheCouch

OP you seem slightly confused as to your true feelings towards this person. The two times you have met up with him everything seems to have gone really well. Now you do say in fairness that you don't want a relationship. But then when he confirmed this in words to you, you took it quite badly and decided to inform him that you slept with your ex, which you must have known was going to be quite hurtful, given it was clear he liked you. And in defence of internet guy, he seemingly acted quite gentlemanly about it, even though deep down he may have been seriously gutted. But it's inevitable now he's going to go quiet, 'lick his wounds metaphorically' so to speak. So yes, you could argue that he should have said straight up that he liked you, but as others have mentioned, it did seem patently obvious through his actions etc. There was no real need as far as I can see to mention the meetup with your ex, usually honesty is the best policy but here it almost certainly was a case of what he doesn't know won't hurt him, especially as you weren't official or anything.

I'm just curious, and yes I may be getting dangerously close to none of my business territory, but are there any specific reasons why you don't want a relationship now? Or more specifically, why not with internet guy? Like is there something about him that even though you get on like a house on fire when together, would make you think twice about wanting to be seen in public with him, as a couple? For instance, perhaps he dresses really badly, is maybe quite unattractive, is his behaviour sometimes not politically correct, which may dissuade you from introducing him to people, or is there a significant age gap between you (older/younger)?

You do seem slightly undecided as to whether you simply want to play the field or get into something more serious. I think this happens frequently enough when the heart and the head want different things so to speak. It does appear that you wanted internet guy to show his hand, which would have been doubly advantageous for you: your self-esteem would have received a boost and the ball would then have been in your court, you could decide then whether to reciprocate his feelings or say no, you would have had the power essentially. When he verbalised the situation that you ostensibly wanted, I assume that it was unexpectedly hurtful to you, that logically it was the correct thing to say, but deep down it felt like a rejection. So you decided to lash out and hurt him and now you may have lost him for good.

Sorry if some of that sounds harsh, but that's the way I see it. I hope some of these answers can help you do something about the situation.

beks101

Christ. If you like someone, you don't express it by giving them the cold shoulder, popping up to tell then you're hooking up with your ex but it doesn't mean you don't like them, and then berating them for not responding with enthusiasm to that particular revelation.

If some guy did the above to me I'd tell him to take a walk off a cliff and then wonder how I ended up getting involved with such a muppet in the first place. Seriously. No offence OP, but you sound about 13 with the blatant attention seeking and game playing over text.

CaraMay

Op the guy is hardly going to jump for joy when he finds out you are jumping from his bed to your ex's and back again. Nobody would. Are you happy to keep doing this?

annabann

There's no game playing here. I've been totally honest with him. When he asked me at the start what I wanted from this I said a bit of fun and if something comes of it then ok. I have no doubt that he's not seeing others as well. I had a pretty ****y ending to a long term relationship last year so am in no space to rush into anything else. The thing with my ex (a diff guy and was never anything serious) was a one off so I'm not seeing him. But that's neither here nor there.
When I was told I was a free agent I joked about saying I knew I was and who says I hadn't availed of it already. His reply was to say exactly and to ask me who. So I told him to be both honest with him and to answer his direct question. If it bothered him why would he ask to know more? Again no games I offered the truth when he asked. Didn't think he'd get cool about it. I assumed he was doing the same. It knocked me back when he said it was a little weird.
To answer another poster yes I do like the guy a lot. I wouldn't spend time with him if I didn't. Maybe I'm invested more than I think too but just don't want to get involved in a relationship after being through the ringer with someone else. I wanted to play the field and have some fun while I got back to feeling like I wanted a relationship. So this arrangement suited me. I'm not sure where to go from here with this guy. I know I should encourage him to tell me exactly what's going on in his mind about it. But that's if he ever speaks to me again. I've no intention of seeing my ex again or starting anything with him. I'd love to be brave enough to text this guy and say something. He says he's not bothered yet he cut me off pretty quick. Wouldn't it be great if we could all be upfront about feelings. I should just ask him is this just a sex thing for him or not?

laserlad2010

Ask him on a date. If he says no then you've lost nothing because in your eyes he's not going to speak to you again anyway.

If you do go on a date just ask if he wants to go on another one, and another one, and repeat ad nauseum until you guys become official or die a painful breakup death.

"who says I haven't already" Jesus H. Christ. Here's the bottom line. This guy has given you lots of indicators that he likes you more than just the odd ride. He gives you a chance "you're a free agent" to let him know you're interested in just him... But, no, annabann smashes that one right outta the park!! So then he's trying damage limitation for himself, trying to gauge just how little interest you have in anything serious by asking with whom you are sleeping... and BOOM!! ANOTHER HOME RUN!! He finds out that he's now competing with an ex! Time to press the eject button and move on, because to him you're not worth it, simple as.

Stop making excuses, text him. Or don't text him. Make a decision and stick to it.

beks101

annabann wrote: »

When I was told I was a free agent I joked about saying I knew I was and who says I hadn't availed of it already. His reply was to say exactly and to ask me who. So I told him to be both honest with him and to answer his direct question. If it bothered him why would he ask to know more? Again no games I offered the truth when he asked.

No, you told him to provoke a reaction because his saying you were a 'free agent' riled you. You wanted to press him, to make him jealous for the benefit of your own ego. And you got your little ego boost when he got silent with you. He obviously cares, bingo, happy days.

I'm not pointing this out to be a dick; I'm simply trying to make you see why your behaviour has caused him to cut you off. It's not caring, considerate behaviour that would encourage the guy to pursue anything with you. It screams headwrecker and timewaster. Why mention your ex if it was a one-off and you have no intention of seeing him again? If I was interested in a guy and had hooked up with someone else, the last thing I'd want was him to know about it and have the picture of me with my ex in his head. To think that I was potentially off the market again. That would be madness.

Quit all this texting bullsh1t and be an adult here. If you want to see the guy again, apologize for messing with his head and ask him out so you can talk about things. Tell him you like him and don't know how he feels given how things have been between the two of you and that has caused you to be a bit inconsistent in your contact with him and you're sorry for that. And take it from there.

annabann

Well I just got it out of him that it was just a bit of fun for him too. I explained that I do like him and that I wouldn't spend anytime on him if I didn't. I asked him right out is it just a bit of fun for u. He said yes it is. I just said as was my intention that I didn't want anything but at the same time I had great time for him and we had a laugh. I said that I just wanted his take on it. I finished by saying I was prob just pissing him off now and that I'd leave him be.

kylith

You told him 'if something comes of it that'd be ok'. What he heard is 'there is a chance that something will come of this'. If you didn't want a relationship you shouldn't have led him to believe there was a chance of a relationship. No wonder he's gotten cool since finding out you're sleeping with your ex

Penny Tration

annabann wrote: »

Well I just got it out of him that it was just a bit of fun for him too. I explained that I do like him and that I wouldn't spend anytime on him if I didn't. I asked him right out is it just a bit of fun for u. He said yes it is. I just said as was my intention that I didn't want anything but at the same time I had great time for him and we had a laugh. I said that I just wanted his take on it. I finished by saying I was prob just pissing him off now and that I'd leave him be.

Well, of course he said that.

You messed him about by telling him you were off shagging someone else. Why would he admit to wanting anything other than sex now? He's going to try save his dignity by making out like it's just a laugh for him too.

I think you should just leave this one be and learn how to conduct yourself in a fcuk buddy situation. Telling them about other people you sleep with is a crappy thing to do.

Yea, have to agree that if I found out a girl I was interested in (and actively pursuing, because, like other have mentioned, he most definitely is pursuing you) got with an ex, it would somewhat put me off a tiny bit. It just kind of seems like you played this whole thing kinda badly and are now facing the consequences of that. Now - this isn't to say that you shouldn't have slept with your ex, because like has been pointed out, you're a "free agent" and can sleep with whoever you want, but just the way you handled it with this particular guy was a bit wrong.

zeffabelli

You put him in a position where he could say very little without losing face.

In future a good idea not to talk to men about other men.

Oryx

He is in defensive mode now. Of course he is going to say the right words to you. The situation is one where he cant express hurt or annoyance because hes not supposed to feel them. He had no claim on you, its how you set it up. So why on earth do you expect him to express feelings for you when you have explicitly told him its just fun, and gone further than that with physical proof that he isnt important to you.

OnTheCouch

annabann wrote: »

I have no doubt that he's not seeing others as well.

Do you mean he is seeing others? Because the way it's written makes it sounds like you know he's only got eyes for you, which would be inconsistent with other stuff you have mentioned.

And if it is a typo...do you know this for a fact or are you just assuming? In my experience this is often a misconception women have of men, that being if they are single, they are shagging everything that moves, which, although certainly true in many cases, is definitely not the case for all men. He does sound like he's put all his eggs in one basket, despite what he said when you asked him.

annabann

No definate proof. But ya he's meeting other girls online. Plenty of new female adds on his Facebook and I also noticed him online on pof this morning. So Yip reckon I can take it as a given. But look he was also a free agent to do what he wanted. I'm not going to contact him anymore about this. I'm only getting very short replies so no point. I actually think at this stage he's ego is not bruised he's just not interested and never was. He was just out for friends with benefits as we agreed it would be. I think What I said first day was fun and whatever happens happens

prettyrestless

annabann wrote: »

No definate proof. But ya he's meeting other girls online. Plenty of new female adds on his Facebook and I also noticed him online on pof this morning. So Yip reckon I can take it as a given. But look he was also a free agent to do what he wanted. I'm not going to contact him anymore about this. I'm only getting very short replies so no point. I actually think at this stage he's ego is not bruised he's just not interested and never was. He was just out for friends with benefits as we agreed it would be. I think What I said first day was fun and whatever happens happens

OP you clearly don't want to listen to the advice that was offered and that's entirely your choice. Just try to have a bit more common sense. Even if there's no commitment, and you're both open to seeing other people there's no need to be sharing details of who you're banging. No one wants to hear that.

Penny Tration

annabann wrote: »

No definate proof. But ya he's meeting other girls online. Plenty of new female adds on his Facebook and I also noticed him online on pof this morning. So Yip reckon I can take it as a given. But look he was also a free agent to do what he wanted. I'm not going to contact him anymore about this. I'm only getting very short replies so no point. I actually think at this stage he's ego is not bruised he's just not interested and never was. He was just out for friends with benefits as we agreed it would be. I think What I said first day was fun and whatever happens happens

Well yeah, of course he's going to be back on POF and sending you short replies. What do you expect after telling him you slept with someone else?!

Jimmy Bottlehead

OP, the fact you're not acknowledging your fault in this proves what's been said about you not being mature and self aware to handle this.

The guy clearly liked you. You made sure to tell him you were a free agent and then told him of your thing with the ex.
And now you're surprised he's off with you?

As with most men, I'm not in the market for a head wrecker or someone who comes loaded with drama and attention seeking. I'm not surprised at all he's distanced himself.

You need to learn to see this from a different perspective than your own and maybe see how he got burned, and then had no choice but to hide the hurt by saying "ah yeah, it was just fun."

annabann

No I'm taking it on board. Guess it's just my own insecurity that thinks he didn't like me. So any advice on how I can fix this if I've hurt him? Should I just leave him alone or try to give him some space and then talk to him again. I do like him I didn't want to hurt him.

What do you want, OP? Do you even know?

Dave0301

annabann wrote: »

No I'm taking it on board. Guess it's just my own insecurity that thinks he didn't like me. So any advice on how I can fix this if I've hurt him? Should I just leave him alone or try to give him some space and then talk to him again. I do like him I didn't want to hurt him.

Then tell him you like him.

Be honest to him with your feelings and that you made a mistake by provoking a reaction from him.

This is not a game of car and mouse, just own up to your feelings.

annabann

I just did. I was completely honest with him. I told him that I started to like him in the last couple of weeks and that it freaked me out because it was only meant to be a bit of fun. That to stop myself getting attached I was with someone else to nip it in the bud. ****ed up I know but I have good reason to protect myself. I said nothing because nobody wants to be the one to lay their cards on the table and be vulnerable. I said that he made it clear that he didn't like me when he said it was just a bit of fun to him. But that was ok because that was the original deal. Then I just came straight out and said did he want to stop and cut contact. He's read the message but hasn't replied. So I guess I have my answer now for sure.

annabann

annabann wrote: »

I just did. I was completely honest with him. I told him that I started to like him in the last couple of weeks and that it freaked me out because it was only meant to be a bit of fun. That to stop myself getting attached I was with someone else to nip it in the bud. ****ed up I know but I have good reason to protect myself. I said nothing because nobody wants to be the one to lay their cards on the table and be vulnerable. I said that he made it clear that he didn't like me when he said it was just a bit of fun to him. But that was ok because that was the original deal. Then I just came straight out and said did he want to stop and cut contact. He's read the message but hasn't replied. So I guess I have my answer now for sure.

I just wanted to bold out that line to you and point out just how stupid it was. You acted the way you did, because you didn't want to feel vulnerable? Here's the thing-- somebody has to. Somebody has to lay their cards on the table, otherwise how on Earth would anything get started? And he did. He laid his cards on the table, but you just picked them up and tore them up.

Something kind of tells me that this might be a lost cause ...

ibarelycare

annabann wrote: »

I just did. I was completely honest with him. I told him that I started to like him in the last couple of weeks and that it freaked me out because it was only meant to be a bit of fun. That to stop myself getting attached I was with someone else to nip it in the bud. ****ed up I know but I have good reason to protect myself. I said nothing because nobody wants to be the one to lay their cards on the table and be vulnerable. I said that he made it clear that he didn't like me when he said it was just a bit of fun to him. But that was ok because that was the original deal. Then I just came straight out and said did he want to stop and cut contact. He's read the message but hasn't replied. So I guess I have my answer now for sure.

I don't blame him for not replying. You've come across as a headwrecker and someone who has no idea what they want. Use this as a lesson for the future!

dellas1979

annabann wrote: »

No I'm taking it on board. Guess it's just my own insecurity that thinks he didn't like me. So any advice on how I can fix this if I've hurt him? Should I just leave him alone or try to give him some space and then talk to him again. I do like him I didn't want to hurt him.

Jesus lads - hold on now. Maybe both have been playing some sort of game. But both are responsible adults. He had every opportunity also to say something if he did like her!

OP I dont see what youve done wrong - you are a free agent (as he also told you) bar feeding the man's ego. And by the sounds of it, he has a fragile one.

Oryx

You issued an ultimatum? Do you want to cut contact? Why such drama for gods sake? Absolutely no need for it. Life is not black and white, cut and dried like that. You lay your cards out without expectation, and dont force the issue. Were you hoping he would declare that he didnt want to cut you off and had to see you? You cocked up inititially and every move from then on is just compounding that. Step back with no final declarations of anything and give the guy some space. See what a few weeks does.

LegacyUser

I was in something similar a few months ago where she played games both with words and actions. We both liked eachother and I taught things were moving along nicely to the point where I was about to make it a "couple thing" and thankfully it didn't as i seen her in a different light. Do the guy a favor and let him go....you had your chance and blew it as your ego got in the way shouting about your ex, learn from it and next time treat a guy the way youd like to be treated.

prettyrestless

I think you've ruined your chances with this guy and need to leave him alone. Sorry to be so blunt but I think you should just move on.

irishdude11

He obviously liked you and then you deliberately rubbed his face in it saying you slept with your ex. I'd say his opinion of you changed dramatically after that and he no longer views you the same. As everyone else said, he is saving face, I mean what else can he say now? But I would also think it quite likely that he is genuinely no longer that into you after you lowered his opinion of you...I mean you put images of you having sex with your ex into his head while simultaneously making him feel like a fool for thinking there could be something more between you. That's a serious turnoff.

In future have some discretion and class, no-one likes to hear about who else you are banging even if you are just casual.

laserlad2010

I think some posters on here should get down off their high horses. OP made an absolute mess of things up to a point.

She then owned up to it and apologised. In my opinion thats the decent thing to do. He then is giving her the cold shoulder, but at least she made the effort.

OP, look, I can see where you came from. It was childish, but understandable. Unfortunately it didn't work here. The unspoken rule with FWB is nobody actually wants to acknowledge that the other person is actually f**king around, which is hilarious when you think about it.

Learn from this episode. Thats all you can do. You're just getting the backlash of the good old Irish "girls who sleep around are disgusting but lads are grand" attitude from some of the more recent posters.

In general, find out what you want, be honest with the people you interact with, and always be up front. That way you'll be happy with yourself.

CaraMay

Op you are playing big girls games here but don't gave the emotional maturity to follow the rules. I don't mean that it hurt you but it sounds to me like you aren't able for the fwb scenarios. You are jumping from one guy to the next and justifying it by saying you were falling for Mr A.

Fwb are ok if you are hardy and can handle the lack of emotional reciprocity but you clearly can't so stop. This isn't about the moral aspect, it's about the mental and emotional health. If you are insecure already the fwb certainly isn't going to help that.

zeffabelli

Why are you doing this by text message?

How old are you?

ibarelycare

zeffabelli wrote: »

Why are you doing this by text message?

How old are you?

No need to be so patronising. People always make comments about texting on this forum as if it's something that only teenagers should do. Texting is how people communicate for the most part these days.

prettyrestless

laserlad2010 wrote: »

You're just getting the backlash of the good old Irish "girls who sleep around are disgusting but lads are grand" attitude from some of the more recent posters.

I'm not sure where you've gotten this idea from? As far as I can see, everyone agrees that the OP is entitled to see whoever she wants but that telling a guy she likes that she had slept with someone else was a bad idea. The only one bringing up this "attitude" is you.

Taltos

Mod Note
ibarelycare - if you have an issue with a poster please just report it, responding as above is not appropriate.

zeffabelli - you've been here a while, you know by now that if you have no constructive advice you just don't post. While your first question may have been appropriate, your second question is sailing very close to the wind and I don't want to see repeats of this.

Thanks
Taltos

zeffabelli

I was asking the age because people in their teens use a lot icon text and you lose nuance in text, it's no good for more complex discussions.

Also it's helpful to know if you're talking to a fifteen year old or someone in their 30s, if I assume they are 40, the answer might be inscrutable to a 15 year old or vice versa.

laserlad2010

prettyrestless wrote: »

I'm not sure where you've gotten this idea from? As far as I can see, everyone agrees that the OP is entitled to see whoever she wants but that telling a guy she likes that she had slept with someone else was a bad idea. The only one bringing up this "attitude" is you.

My point is that she's clearly made an effort, according to her last few posts, to try to salvage something with him. Once we've seen this happen, albeit maybe not the way some of us would have liked, we should have all backed off rather than continue to get the boot in regarding the original post.

His behaviour from then on hasn't been ideal, to be honest. He should also just be up front and tell her he's no longer interested rather than letting her think that it's to do with being upset with her - the latter being something she could potentially do something about.

prettyrestless

laserlad2010 wrote: »

My point is that she's clearly made an effort, according to her last few posts, to try to salvage something with him. Once we've seen this happen, albeit maybe not the way some of us would have liked, we should have all backed off rather than continue to get the boot in regarding the original post.

His behaviour from then on hasn't been ideal, to be honest. He should also just be up front and tell her he's no longer interested rather than letting her think that it's to do with being upset with her - the latter being something she could potentially do something about.

Ok that's a fair enough point, and with hindsight I agree that maybe I and some of the other posters should have eased off a bit. I'm still not sure how you think this equates to people thinking that a girl is "disgusting" for having casual sex but it's grand for guys. I didn't see anyone even hinting at that.

laserlad2010

prettyrestless wrote: »

Ok that's a fair enough point, and with hindsight I agree that maybe I and some of the other posters should have eased off a bit. I'm still not sure how you think this equates to people thinking that a girl is "disgusting" for having casual sex but it's grand for guys. I didn't see anyone even hinting at that.

Ah it was the vibe I got from a few posts that didn't contribute anything but rather just got the boot in. Some of them had a tone of judgement about them that I didnt like.

I myself was harsh with her at the start because she seemed to lack insight, but in the last few posts she's grown up a bit more so I'm happy to leave it at that.

Listen, OP, nobody died. Life goes on. It just got a little messy, see if you can salvage it, otherwise find another guy to hang out with. Plenty of nice lads out there!

VisibleGorilla

This 'relationship' or whatever it is you want to call it was dead in the water the second you hopped into someone else's bed.

Doesn't matter what the guy said, as soon as you told him about your ex he closed you off, as would 90% of men.

Learn from it and move on.

annabann

Ok allow me to clarify for some people here. We are two adults in our mid 30's who entered into to a no strings agreement. It was assumed that both of us could do what we wanted outside of that. He's talked about other women and I never asked if it was while we had or thing because it was none of my business. So we both had free range to do what we wanted. The only difference is he asked me who and I replied with honesty. Only place where things got blurred is when he started to text me everyday. Yes text because adults do that too!! We live about 45 mins apart and like grown ups have jobs so we text. As it was supposed to be a fwb we were hardly meeting for romantic meals for two. So when I started to like him in my head it was a bad thing. I've had similar arrangements before and it's been cool because I've not liked them in that way not because I'm too emotionally immature to handle it. This guy was different. So I've been the adult and come clean. What he does with this information is up to him. But it looks like it was just a bit of fun for him. So in reality he's not hurt by my actions at all

Jotunheim

annabann wrote: »

Yes text because adults do that too!!

And look how it worked out for you. Texts are brilliant, within limits. You can't conduct a relationship by text, which is largely what you seem to have done. The rest of that post just comes across as an elaborate justification for the two of you getting it badly wrong, not an explanation for why you're right an he's losing the plot, which is what you seem to be hoping it would suggest.
Neither of you are covered in glory here, but you're being very defensive in response to people pointing out flaws in how you carried on. Maybe take the advice on board, otherwise there was no point in posting your thread other than a failed attempt to have people validate your behaviour.

Flippyfloppy

Because of the fact it's your ex that you're meeting up with he probably wants to back off. Whether it's the fact that he doesn't want to step on your exes toes/feels inadequate/ like he has been a rebound the whole time is hard to tell. I don't think he was interested in pursuing a relationship anyway tbh, FWB rarely graduate to relationship status.

OneOfThem

My reading of things, for what it's worth, is you were hooking up with this guy, thought you sensed emotional investment from him, and so emotionally invested yourself, decided to test him (never a great idea tbh - people don't like being tested), by mentioning your date and putting out the idea that something might happen with another guy ("hope he doesn't try anything"), him not taking the bait and being cool about it, "got your back up" as you said. So you doubled down and told him "well actually something's already happened with another guy, my ex, what do you think of that?" and at this point he decided enough was enough, you're a game player, and decided to back off from things with you.

I think you screwed the pooch by playing silly buggers basically. And if you'd just been straight with the guy things would have went much much much smoother. Men adore women just being up front with them. Bunch of messing and double talk has us thinking "HASSLE" in big giant glowing red neon letters, plus we see through it like glass, it's very often quite transparent, men have been known to joke about the degree of transparency that usually accompanies it. Just be straight with people in future. No playing games, no testing, no silliness, no hassle. They'll be all over you.

annabann

Further update for everyone just as there seemed to be a lot of sympathy for him. I finally get my reply.....He has a girlfriend but he likes me too. Now he's asking me if I still want to see him!!! Didn't see that one coming now did we. To say my jaw hit the floor was an understatement