Men who still live at home... is it a deal-breaker?

Dickie10

ok just wondering what people would advise on this. most of this is probarbly alien to most not from a farming background. i live at home with parents who are 80 and 70 respectivly im 31. this year i took over full control of the farm from my father who was delighted to retire.

so now i have my own bank account for the farm, aand pay any bills that were in my fathers Direct Debit Account. so basically im keeping a house going. this surely is not like the ordinary 31 year old living at home. the roles are reversed i work to keep my parents warm and well fed etc with the same amenities i had, ESB, SKY TV. this was all a bit of a shock to be honest. my parents kept whatever money was in their farm bank account when my father retired and i started on my own . i also already have the house signed over to me with the clause that i look after my parents until their day etc, which im at.

anyway renting with mates in a townis prob of no use as i need to be on site during spring with night calls to be done on sheep and cows. i dont want to bother building a house because il have the hassle of renting it in years to come as i move into the family home. i also dont have the cash at the minute, but to be honest id rather not have the millstone of huge debt for something i dont need, id rather expand the farm with debt! so whats the options? i seen some very handy log cabin structures on the net. small but no smaller than an apartment in dublin. i need something cheap and chearful. perhaps be a good granny flat if i get a woman and get married?

Jogathon

One easy enough solution would be to build a granny flat. Perfect for you now, perfect for your mum or dad in later years.

Dickie10

yes i thinking strongly on those lines.

libelula

If you do hope to meet a girl and settle down, I'd be wary of doing anything 'permanent' incase it's not a runner for her.
As in, you have your arrangement with your parents which you'll keep of course, but what if she lives 10 miles away in a similar circumstance or has a kid in school or something. Or she hates the sight of your parents place! If I was you, I'd keep it flexible for now.
Build the granny flat as suggested, that's no huge noose around your neck either way and it'll get used.

If you get a woman

In the woman shop

NewCorkLad

bluewolf wrote: »

If you get a woman

In the woman shop

You dont need to go into shops now, they have catalogue's.

libelula

bluewolf wrote: »

If you get a woman

In the woman shop

It's just a country saying, no harm meant I'm sure

Captain Chaos

bluewolf wrote: »

If you get a woman

In the woman shop

That's the way all my mates talk. They make it sound to me like it's just a matter or walking done to the local shop and picking on off a shelf.

Typical comment thrown at me every weekend, " would you ever get out there and find yourself a woman this weekend for a change". Starts to p1ss me off after a while.

Not easy to do when I've had to move home recently and I'm saving everything I have to buy my own place. Half of them live at home and are out every weekend with their girlfriends spending the majority of their wages on drink.

endacl

bluewolf wrote: »

If you get a woman

In the woman shop

libelula wrote: »

It's just a country saying, no harm meant I'm sure

Yeah Bluewolf. :mad:

Where would ye be goin' with yer high falutin' woman shops?!?

We get ours at the woman mart.

catallus

libelula wrote: »

If you do hope to meet a girl and settle down, I'd be wary of doing anything 'permanent' incase it's not a runner for her.
.

This is the precise opposite of what I would do.

You shouldn't be shaping your life for a woman, you should seek a woman who fits your life.

Surely if it's "not a runner for her" then she's not for you

smash

NewCorkLad wrote: »

You dont need to go into shops now, they have catalogue's.

But then you can't try them out first...

endacl

smash wrote: »

But then you can't try them out first...

You can return them. You only pay the postage.

smash

endacl wrote: »

You can return them. You only pay the postage.

Do you have to mark them as fragile? Or is that only if they're particularly emotional?

newport2

endacl wrote: »

Yeah Bluewolf. :mad:

Where would ye be goin' with yer high falutin' woman shops?!?

We get ours at the woman mart.

I found the Quicky Mart great in my single days

beyondbelief67

I know a lot of people are living back at home to save money etc
But a guy I met who had gone back to live at home made it clear early on he wanted to come and live with me.
So I broke up with him as I couldn't decide if it was me he wanted or simply somewhere else to live.

libelula

catallus wrote: »

This is the precise opposite of what I would do.

You shouldn't be shaping your life for a woman, you should seek a woman who fits your life.

Surely if it's "not a runner for her" then she's not for you

Yeah, but there has to be compromise in a relationship, no?

catallus

libelula wrote: »

Yeah, but there has to be compromise in a relationship, no?

Yeah, the compromise is that you're letting her in the front door in the first place!

Putting your life on pause because "she mightn't like the look of the place" isn't a compromise, it's a capitulation.

OP I've moved your post to a thread of its own to continue on the discussion.

jimgoose

bluewolf wrote: »

If you get a woman

In the woman shop

I'm goan ta Town daddy, for ta get mesel' a Woman! And a burger, wit sauce an' all!!

J Mysterio

SMJSF wrote: »

I would find it a deal breaker, but I'm 21, female, living independently since 18, and I find men who have never moved out of home don't want to know me! I don't know what it is, or what they don't like about it.
Is it something to do with a more capable sex/gender view?

I personally would rather a guy who can stand on his own two feet than moving in with a man and expecting me to spoon feed him, or can't even use the washing machine or cook a proper meal for himself or change a lightbulb!

Did you read his post?

He's running an entire farm ffs. Bit more complicated than turning on a washing machine.

He is standing on his own two foot and he's supporting he's holding up his parents while he's at it.

jimgoose

SMJSF wrote: »

I would find it a deal breaker, but I'm 21, female, living independently since 18, and I find men who have never moved out of home don't want to know me! I don't know what it is, or what they don't like about it.
Is it something to do with a more capable sex/gender view?

I personally would rather a guy who can stand on his own two feet than moving in with a man and expecting me to spoon feed him, or can't even use the washing machine or cook a proper meal for himself or change a lightbulb!

Yeah. I remember poor bastids - only sons now, mind you - living in giant rambling farmhouses on a couple hundred acres in the Golden Vale, elderly parents, running the whole lot, Grampy's old Mercedes 300D estate, the usual - grown weary trying to compete for the affections of chungwans with hep young chaps in short pants and fashionable beards ankle-deep in three-week-old pizza in third-floor grotfests in Limerick city. NOT!! :pac:

jimgoose

J Mysterio wrote: »

Did you read his post?

He's running an entire farm ffs. Bit more complicated than turning on a washing machine.

He is standing on his own two foot and he's supporting he's holding up his parents while he's at it.

This. There's living at home, and then there's Living at Home.

recylingbin

It's a deal breaker for me.
The men bit anyway.

OneOfThem

SMJSF wrote: »

I would find it a deal breaker, but I'm 21, female, living independently since 18, and I find men who have never moved out of home don't want to know me! I don't know what it is, or what they don't like about it.
Is it something to do with a more capable sex/gender view?

I'm sure you're a ride. But is it any kind of a remote possibility that the guys you mention just didn't find you all that fvckable?

Bubbaclaus

IMO you should only be living at home if you are either:
a) still in education
b) have a disability of some sort that requires care
c) looking after an elderly parent

Anything outside this you are only making excuses and really just love being mothered.

The Diabolical Monocle

Not a deal breaker. Once she sees that you hold the equity in the farm it'll be all good.


edit: shortly thereafter she will try to liberate you of the financial responsibility.

LadyFenghuang

Nah...I live at home...or ahem...I live in a secret place.....my ...home...

Jogathon

Jogathon wrote: »

One easy enough solution would be to build a granny flat. Perfect for you now, perfect for your mum or dad in later years.

Best solution for the OPs living arrangements I think. A bit of separation and useful for his folks when the time comes.

Greenmachine

SMJSF wrote: »

I would find it a deal breaker, but I'm 21, female, living independently since 18, and I find men who have never moved out of home don't want to know me! I don't know what it is, or what they don't like about it.
Is it something to do with a more capable sex/gender view?

I personally would rather a guy who can stand on his own two feet than moving in with a man and expecting me to spoon feed him, or can't even use the washing machine or cook a proper meal for himself or change a lightbulb!

Maybe they are terrified your not chaste, on account of living away from parents. Their loss in any case. They have saved themselves on account of not being allowed to bring a girl home for the nights. Why couldn't you have stayed with mammy and daddy till you met them.

RayM

I lived with my mother until I was 30 - she died a couple of weeks after my 30th birthday. I'm 33 now, and if she was still around, I'd probably still be living with her. Not because I love being 'mothered' (if I had expected that kind of thing, I'm sure she would have told me to fuck off), but because she was really easy to live with.

If someone thought that was a 'deal-breaker'... well, she probably wouldn't be my type anyway.

Dickie10

Dickie10 wrote: »

anyway renting with mates in a townis prob of no use as i need to be on site during spring with night calls to be done on sheep and cows. i dont want to bother building a house because il have the hassle of renting it in years to come as i move into the family home. i also dont have the cash at the minute, but to be honest id rather not have the millstone of huge debt for something i dont need, id rather expand the farm with debt! so whats the options? i seen some very handy log cabin structures on the net. small but no smaller than an apartment in dublin. i need something cheap and chearful. perhaps be a good granny flat if i get a woman and get married?

I have two brothers at home. Both tried, but neither stuck it out on the homeplace. Too much seclusion from women (nightlife) was definitely one issue. Risk of drink driving was another. Another was that women can be agitated about the influence of mothers-in-law, and I'm afraid it's pretty mutual.

If I were you I'd rent a place in the next village. I'm sure there's something half-decent for 300-odd quid a month, depending on where you are, if you have contacts? Even if it means not sleeping there during the height of the calving season, it will be worthwhile for the rest of the year.

ciartastix

Your circumstances differ from many other men living at home however it would take a certain type of woman to take all of that on. You have obviously made sacrifices for the sake of your parents and the farm business but you cant force the issue. I wouldnt go building a granny flat purely to attract a female... do it for yourself first and foremost.

Chain Smoker

I'd imagine the kind of person who finds the living at home part of your situation a deal breaker would be the same ones who find the marrying a farmer part a deal breaker. The negatives would surely be offset by the facts that its all yours or going to be yours and you're more than earning your keep for most people.


I do wonder if women from towns and such who marry into farms have any clue what they're stepping into at all. There's few situations where someone winds up anywhere near as intricately involved in their spouse's job as it. Would love to hear some stories if anyone has any, actually!

Penny Lane

I wouldn't be building anything with a view to pleasing a hypothetical woman but for your own independence I'd go down the route of a granny flat !

Teyla Emmagan

I think you're great for taking over the farm and looking after your parents OP. Nice responsible man with a job and land? That'll appeal to a lot of women.

entropi

There was a thread on this very subject here until earlier today, closed too might I add.

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056690454

entropi

entropi wrote: »

There was a thread on this very subject here until earlier today, closed too might I add.

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056690454

Deleted User wrote: »

OP I've moved your post to a thread of its own to continue on the discussion.

RobertKK

I live alone in a big old house alone, 5 bedrooms, and same situation as the OP.
But the house was big enough for me for my own space. I was given the farm and the family home with the condition the parents had a right to live there, which was no problem, when I was 20 years old.
You definitively need your own space, and the parents should contribute to cost of running the house, my parents were great when they were around, they were of pension age so were happy to get the pension but also help out both on the farm and financially.
Time moved on and I live alone now but I know where the OP is coming from.
Starting off farming is costly and you know all about the hard work. When you are paying for everything you won't have much money, some farm debt is alright, at least the interest is tax deductible.
If you own the house, and I don't know how big or small it is, you could have apart from your bedroom, a room for yourself so you can do what you want. Yes privacy is an issue when you live at home.
I don't know how much a mobile home is as an alternative. I know your problem is you have the cost of everything and despite what certain city people believe, a farm is something that eats money so the cheapest option is the status quo, mobile home/cabin next, then an extension and then building a new house would be the lat option and costly.
It was a privilege in my view to live with the parents, we always got on very well, and you miss them when not around.

Puddle Q

jimgoose wrote: »

Yeah. I remember poor bastids - only sons now, mind you - living in giant rambling farmhouses on a couple hundred acres in the Golden Vale, elderly parents, running the whole lot, Grampy's old Mercedes 300D estate, the usual - grown weary trying to compete for the affections of chungwans with hep young chaps in short pants and fashionable beards ankle-deep in three-week-old pizza in third-floor grotfests in Limerick city. NOT!! :pac:

What does this even mean???

jimgoose

Puddle Q wrote: »

What does this even mean???

To summarise: just because someone lives in their parents' house does not necessarily mean that they are not a person of means and substance. Just because someone maintains their own separate establishment does not necessarily mean that they are not a chuckle-head with a reading-age of eight. To summarise the summary: we're all Differently Tarded.

TheBeardedLady

Teyla Emmagan wrote: »

I think you're great for taking over the farm and looking after your parents OP. Nice responsible man with a job and land? That'll appeal to a lot of women.

Definitely. Kindness is always an extremely attractive trait.

jimgoose

TheBeardedLady wrote: »

Ah here we go...

He's right, though. Road-frontage now - all the tasty young Bridies want to pack up the HR and insurance jobs in The Dublin and impale themselves on road-frontage.

Sand

jimgoose wrote: »

He's right, though. Road-frontage now - all the tasty young Bridies want to pack up the HR and insurance jobs in The Dublin and impale themselves on road-frontage.

Yeah, women never mature beyond the age of 21.

Christ.

catallus

Sand wrote: »

Yeah, women never mature beyond the age of 21.

If only

Sand

catallus wrote: »

If only

I dunno - I cant see 30 somethings and older having a chance. There isn't enough "daddy issues" to supply demand.

catallus

Sand wrote: »

I dunno - I cant see 30 somethings and older having a chance. There isn't enough "daddy issues" to supply demand.

Tread softly, for you tread on my dreams

Cold War Kid

Sometimes people's circumstances (taking over the farm being a prime example) dictate that they have to live with the folks - it doesn't mean that they've never moved out or that they're not independent. No biggie IMO.

If they were just an adult child who's still being mollycoddled, it would be off-putting, but I'm sure such people are few and far between.

kfallon

Still living at home is ok by me....however the fact it's a man is a very big deal breaker.....even if he's like The Crying Game 'fella'....that's still a no-no!!

lulu1

Dont really see what the big deal is about living at home with your parents. Most people seem to think that you should have your own place when your 17 or 18 .Might work foe some Might not be a good idea for others

libelula

TheBeardedLady wrote: »

Oh so delicious. Where's the "We've got a badass here" gif when you need it?


Kindness is an attractive trait in a partner as it's nice to spend time with a kind person as opposed to a dickhead.

Edit: I've had a few white wines - I wouldn't advise you to get into a scrap with me after I've had a few winzez. You'll be sorry!

Absolutely spot on.
There comes a time in life when you wake up and realise that finding someone with a good heart, that you know for sure will never let you down, and that would move hell and high water to take care of his family is one worth hanging onto, regardless of the petty little details

TheBeardedLady

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iIIuR-HjFho