I'm gay.

DeVore

Seems to be the weekend to tell people. There's not much more (and yet a whole lot more) to say about that. I'm gay.

Coming out has been... unsettling... but this weekend made it a lot (LOT) easier.

Thanks to all the YES supporters of all types.

_Whimsical_

I'm glad you feel comfortable being able to tell people. I'm sure that even one person feeling that easing of a burden will be enormously gratifying for everyone who voted yes, even for some who voted no on outside concerns when they still in essence believed gay people should be allowed marry and enjoy committed relationships like everyone else. Good luck and I hope the future brings you great happiness and much love in your private life.

Fleawuss

Welcome. It seems daft saying that to the co-founder? Owner? of the site but anyway. Welcome.

I don't know who you are, but why do you think any one cares? People is just people

J_E

Deleted User wrote: »

I don't know who you are, but why do you think any one cares? People is just people

Well, you could say he is somewhat important on Boards... :pac:

Señor Fancy Pants

Just saw this pop up on the "Latest" tab.

Good man DeVore. I hope any weights / burdens you may have carried are gone now.

Enjoy being who you are. Fair play.

Ruu

I feel like I should say sorry that it has been unsettling for you, you are human, just like me and it shouldn't ever have been this way. Hoping things get easier for you, even just a little bit. Live, love, give.

MarkR

I know it shouldn't be a big thing, but I know it is. Guess we'll have to adjust the coke and hookers order slightly. 😀Been reading online about so many other people, even kids, standing up against homophobia. I guess Ireland was ready for it. Just needed something big (and fabulous) to show it.

Gone Drinking

Hahaha, that's mad. I've met you, would never have known you were batting the other way. Enjoy

grizzly

Good for you I hope this helps boards being a place where everyone feels welcome.

Aard

Hopefully the huge support shown by all kinds of people in every part of the country will allow more people to feel comfortable and confident in coming out to family and friends, young and old.

wonderfulname

Well done, and thank you. Coming out can be difficult, great respect for your choice to do so here, wishing you all of the comfort and happiness - all of it!

Penny Tration

You shouldn't ever have been in a position where you felt unsettled. I'm sorry you felt like that.

Fair play to you for openly sharing on boards. It's an anonymous site, so it may be easier for some to come out on boards, but you're not an anonymous user, so it must have been more difficult for you.

Geniass

I think the ability to get married was an important result of the referendum, but of even greater significance is for our fellow Irish people of all sexual persuasions to feel comfortable about fully expressing themselves.

The large majority of heterosexual people that took the time and effort to vote shows we care.

In the short term I hope more people feel at ease enough to come out, but an even greater day will be when expressing one's sexuality has a similar effect to them saying, yeah, I prefer Classical rather than modern art.

tricky D

Deleted User wrote: »

I don't know who you are, but why do you think any one cares? People is just people

DeVore is a top man. His contributions to boards and many other worthy endeavours speak for themselves. So many of us here do care a lot.

However, I do kind of see where you are coming from. I want to live in a world where equality is a given and universally practiced as such, and we don't need to care because all is good. That's not the case and won't be for the foreseeable future with plenty of inequality still in the world and while that's the situation, we have to care, to the point of it being our duty imho.

stefanovich

DeVore wrote: »

Seems to be the weekend to tell people. There's not much more (and yet a whole lot more) to say about that. I'm gay.

Coming out has been... unsettling... but this weekend made it a lot (LOT) easier.

Thanks to all the YES supporters of all types.

Perhaps too personal a question to ask so feel free to ignore but when did you realise? Did you always know or is it a recent revelation? Was the problem you had with coming out purely based on how you thought it would be perceived by family and friends etc? How has the reaction been so far?

BuffyBot

Congratulations.

*manly hug* :P

Grab All Association

Not surprised. Boards.ie mods/admins invented gayness

Lets be honest there's still a very long way to go. 37.9% of the population voted No on Friday. I suspect the majority of these were the elderly who voted No because their faith/local priest told them to vote No or people who bought in to whole Mothers and Fathers matters/Iona. That's expected but we have to acknowledge that a small percentage of these people who voted No are homophobic and I do worry that these bitter hateful people will become more extreme with their views.

Yesterdays result is just the start. Hopefully more people will now have the confidence to come out and in 10-15 years homophobia will not exist.

Asarlai

tricky D wrote: »

DeVore is a top man.....

Maybe we could get together some time.....:D:D

Greenmachine

Not sure if it your first time coming out full stop or just online. Either way congrats on your new found acceptance.

herisson

DeVore wrote: »

Seems to be the weekend to tell people. There's not much more (and yet a whole lot more) to say about that. I'm gay.

Coming out has been... unsettling... but this weekend made it a lot (LOT) easier.

Thanks to all the YES supporters of all types.

I'm sorry you felt that way. No one should feel unsettled about their sexuality.

Congrats on coming out. I imagine it is a huge weight off your shoulders.

I wish you all the best x

iguana

I'm sorry this is still a world where you had to feel unsettled while coming to terms with this part of who you are. But glad things have gotten better this week.

Chris___ wrote: »

Lets be honest there's still a very long way to go. 37.9% of the population voted No on Friday.

Actually 37.9% of 60% of the electorate voted no. Only 16% of the population did.

sweetie

Good stuff outta you

Wanderer78

best of luck op

Grab All Association

iguana wrote: »

I'm sorry this is still a world where you had to feel unsettled while coming to terms with this part of who you are. But glad things have gotten better this week.



Actually 37.9% of 60% of the electorate voted no. Only 16% of the population did.

That's what I meant. When you add in the number who didn't vote, non registered or the non Irish and its probably closer to 30%

Very concerning post http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showpost.php?p=95612737&postcount=1116

What I'm saying is we need to legislate now to prevent nut jobs/trouble makers standing outside wedding venues with signs like "God hates fags" like what's happening state side.



Isn't that the Jesus guy from Limerick?

Chucken

It feels rather humbling that you chose to share this with us.

I hope you are very very happy in the future

eviltwin

Congratulations, it's wonderful to see the power of this vote, it's far more than just the right to marry. All the best for your future xx

L1011

Chris___ wrote: »

What I'm saying is we need to legislate now to prevent nut jobs/trouble makers standing outside wedding venues with signs like "God hates fags" like what's happening state side.

We already have this legislation. Prohibition of Incitement to Hatred Act 1989. We were fairly far ahead of the curve in the western world with this.

Roscommon Leitrim

Yes. Yes you are.

The_Minister

Congratulations man.

Side-note:My gaydar is just awful.

I called Leo Vradkar, but missed Ricky Martin, Ursula Hannigan and now DeVore.

P_1

Congrats, must be a relief getting that out. This weekend we took a giant leap towards nobody needing to feel relief at coming out, we're not quite there yet but one day hopefully we will.

Slydice

DeVore, I've only really known you on and off through boards.ie for 15 years now. You've been one of the strongest minds I've ever encountered and a real inspiration. I have no doubt that this will add to the inspiration you give to all communities you are involved in.

Thanks for sharing

NoAlarms

DeVore, I'm delighted for you..

I'm still new here..your responses to me were amazing..blown away by the kindness of a stranger, it will stay with me always..

This is about you..and thank you..the world deserves you and is better for you..

allanb49

How can we be sure this post is true this is the internet - JFK - 2016


But in fairness, fair play to ya Dev

Iwannahurl

Your first post in the LGBT forum since 1998, OP?

If so, that's a pretty good poker face you've got!

endacl

So what. *



* posted from the hopefully-not-to-distant-future.

4zn76tysfajdxp

Fair play for coming out! Though who'd have thought this poster would prove to be so prophetic?

Leonard Hofstadter

Best of luck OP .

deirdre_dub

Delighted for you that you are living true to yourself!

DeVore wrote: »

Coming out has been... unsettling... but this weekend made it a lot (LOT) easier.

I think people need to read both halves of that sentence and take it in.

Asarlai

Fair play chuh

Lord PuppyMcSnuggle of Cuddleshire

deirdre_dub wrote: »

I think people need to read both halves of that sentence and take it in.

Mmm, when you take it in whole, it really sinks in and pounds the point home.

Evac101

As long as you're happy in yourself T, it won't affect my feelings regarding about you or the other Mountjoy Square 4 :P

efb

Fair play! Come on out the water's fine!

Coming out? I dunno... seems a bit gay to me.





Seriously though, fair play Devore. Can't be too easy (even after the Yes vote).

Although I'm personally the type of person that doesn't care who's gay or straight as it'll never affect me, I do know there are a lot of people out there who'd take it as a big thing and can make it quite uncomfortable.


So hat's off to you, man. Hopefully it won't have any negative impact at all on you. I think most people's attitude to gay/lesbian people is more of an indifference these days? (but I could well be wrong).

Aard

[Deleted User] wrote: »

I think most people's attitude to gay/lesbian people is more of an indifference these days? (but I could well be wrong).

Not as often as you'd think. A lot of people will still ask all sorts of personal questions that just seem to be fair game to ask of a gay guy, that they'd never ask a straight guy.

Also, it really depends on where you're located too. South Dublin? Sure, you can live your whole life fairly openly and nobody will care really. From my experience in rural Munster.... there's a lot of things you'll hide.

And even though things are fairly good now, don't forget that a lot of gay people would have been bullied or ostracised in school if they came out. Others would have lived a secret life until their 30s, 40s, 50s.... Others will never have come out. Looking into the future, it's certainly bright when it comes to living as a gay person where society doesn't make a song and dance about it any more, though for a lot of people the scars of the past are still healing.

Kintarō Hattori

Congrats Tom. It's a shame you didn't feel comfortable making the statement until now but that's understandable. Ireland has taken its time to come out of a frankly dark place and is moving forward to a point in time where the only thing that matters to people is whether you're sound or not.

Sexual orientation, religion etc...... no-one really cares about that anymore, it's not what makes you, well you.

lyinghere

Very good. Well done.

Boards.ie played a pivotal role in my own coming out story so thanks to you too.

ðŸ˜

floggg

Congrats on coming out. Its not an easy process, but it is so ****ing worth it.

Hope you were able to join in the party on Saturday!

D

I've been a user of this site for many years now, it is a wonderful resource and social platform.

In all that time the question of other users' sex or sexuality never really crossed my mind, but it speaks volumes about the culture that is boards.ie

Thank you for boards.

ShaShaBear

So great to know that voting yes has done so much more than allow same-sex couples to marry, but that people feel more accepted in the community as a whole!

Although I can honestly say I never suspected. I always assumed you'd marry Josh

DeVore

Ow. My head (still) hurts.

I sat my folks down yesterday and had "that talk" with them. They're dyed-in-the-wool Catholics but they also have been compassionate and supportive in everything I've ever done and they weren't different yesterday. Its going to take time to fully adjust but they both just want me to be happy.

So, to answer some of the points raised here:

1. Why me? I guess because Boards is my home, this is the site I started and if anything has spanned my life and will be considered a "legacy" I guess its boards. I cant tell you how many times I've wanted to rant about something on this forum but didn't. I held back because I was afraid and I don't like that. I don't care for the feeling at all. I'm not someone who typically is scared to strike out on his own but this thing had knocked me into a cocked hat all of my life. It feels good, but also weird and a bit scary to beat it finally. Its a leap of faith I guess.
I like to think of myself as being a guy who will say whats true and use that truth as armour. I love the Captain America quote "Your job is to plant yourself like a tree beside the river of truth and tell the whole world, No, *you* move." But here I was cowering away from this and inventing all sorts of reasons (perfectly plausible reasons) why it was no one elses business or that I was protecting my family etc. But that's not true, I was afraid and for no good reason. I'm not going to be afraid any more.

2. Why now? Because this weekend was the first time in my entire life that I felt proud, not "unashamed", actual pride in who I am and I walked a little taller telling friends in town on Sat night. Watching Panti walk from Dublin Castle to her bar, the route lined with applauding, cheering people was incredible. I told mates in the pub and they made me feel like it was my night. I'm not sure I could have done this on any other night, it took this much to push me over the line.

3. Why? As someone said above, there are things asked of gay men's private life that would get you a slap in the gob if you asked straight people. I shouldn't *HAVE* to come out. No one should. Its no one elses business. Its a weird situation we find ourselves socially in. I'm happy to report that there were NO instances of anyone acting weird around me afterwards.... but then I'm 45, my friends are friends for life. There is a selection bias in that... I wouldn't last two seconds with someone who was prejudiced about anything so there's that.
I wanted to post this publically for two reasons.
A. F*ck fear. I've spent a lot of my life giving the two fingers to fear but here I was utterly afraid of this. Afraid people would see me in a different light, or react differently to me or whatever. Just afraid. And fear eats you from inside so this is my over-reaction to that
B. Seeing GAA players and ministers step up and challenge the stereotypes of the "sit-com limp wristed poodle carrier" helped me come to terms with myself. I didn't want to admit to myself I was gay because I genuinely didn't see a role model that I could identify with. They have helped me and I owe that forwards.


Some more light hearted elements... Male friends seemed to go through a specific set of reactions, at varying speeds but pretty much always the same stages. Surprise. Re-establishment of understanding. Re-establishment of boundaries. Re-evaluation of stereotypes. Settling. Jokes.

So it kinda goes like
Me: "I want to let you know... I'm gay".
"Jesus... are you serious?"
<pause>
"You know I'm not , right?"
<pause>
"You don't fancy me, do you?!"
<pause>
"Wow... I would never have guessed / You don't act gay!"
<pause>
<pause>
<pause>

"Sooo... eh... whats cock taste like?" "FnCK YOU!" "Hahahahahah"

This happens at various speeds with various people. Some skip certain sections or don't voice them, others take a good while to move on. Mostly this WASNT a journey for me, mostly I sat beside friends waiting for them to get to the jokes stage. It was more like sheparding than any great revelation for me. That was kinda surprising but I guess I've had 45 years to deal with it and I've just sprung it on them!

I've also learned that no matter HOW hetro your friend is, no matter HOW womenising and red blooded they are... the answer to the question "you don't fancy me do you?" that they are looking for is emphatically NOT "You???!! Jesus, fnck NO!".
Take it from me


I was watching an Ireland vs Italy football match with a Dutch friend and we were talking about his family who I'm very fond of. I decided to slip it in by saying "well, in this context I'd be pulling on an Italian shirt". We were both watching the screen intently "Oh, hmm, yeah <bad sliding tackling takes out an Irish player> REFEREEEE!??!". I figured maybe he hadn't quite copped my meaning so I asked him. "No, I got it...... <shrug> ... Okay." Back to pints and footie. I thought to myself, this is right... why cant it be like this all the time, for everyone.


In conclusion, I would really like my private life to go back to being my private life, but while there are still people being scared and afraid and hiding who they are like I have done for 45 years, then maybe it needs to be said aloud.
I've never gone to a Pride march. I have had my issues with the whole ostentatious overt extremity of it at times.... This weekend has changed a lot of my views on things and shown me that mass support really matters, role models really matter, reclaiming your identity matters. I look forward to my first pride march next month.

"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain" - Litany Against Fear.