Bridesmaids boyfriend putting a dampner on things

Sherlof3

Hi there, I'm wondering if I should ask my bridesmaid to keep her boyfriend in check for our wedding in July.

I've known the boyfriend for years and we don't get along, but we muddle together for her sake. He's always had a bit of a chip on his shoulder but recently has been making a number of remarks about how I'm going to 'get some land' when he does X or Y, one of the threats is to turn up in a three piece white suit or tell my future in laws about getting too drunk at junior discos years ago.

The girlfriend is one of my best friends but she's in love so doesn't see what the rest of us do, surprisingly she has started following his tune and made some smart remarks at my hen about what the wedding is costing them etc and how he's a guest I shouldn't be giving him jobs (I asked if the bridesmaids boyfriend might be able to bring some of the decorations from the church to the reception). Anyway I think she would be very defensive so not sure how to approach it.

I have really tried to rise above all of this and I know on the day I won't care, but I just think the way he has been going on is a bit unacceptable and would just think someone needs to call him up on it.

lazygal

If you decide to tell him how to behave, it won't go down well. He sounds like an immature pain in the arse. We had a similar guest at our wedding. He was the one who looked silly on the day for acting in a particular way,not us. No way would I have told him how I expected him to act. He was an adult and responsible for his own behaviour.

Find someone else to transport the decorations and keep your fingers crossed that they'll break up before the day.

Sherlof3

lazygal wrote: »

If you decide to tell him how to behave, it won't go down well. He sounds like an immature pain in the arse. We had a similar guest at our wedding. He was the one who looked silly on the day for acting in a particular way,not us. No way would I have told him how I expected him to act. He was an adult and responsible for his own behaviour.

Find someone else to transport the decorations and keep your fingers crossed that they'll break up before the day.

Thanks Lazygal - it's so annoying I know he just wants a reaction! The little evil part of me would love to stick him in the corner with my aunts and see how they put up with him!

Mr Peebs

Sherlof3 wrote: »

Hi there, I'm wondering if I should ask my bridesmaid to keep her boyfriend in check for our wedding in July.

I've known the boyfriend for years and we don't get along, but we muddle together for her sake. He's always had a bit of a chip on his shoulder but recently has been making a number of remarks about how I'm going to 'get some land' when he does X or Y, one of the threats is to turn up in a three piece white suit or tell my future in laws about getting too drunk at junior discos years ago.

The girlfriend is one of my best friends but she's in love so doesn't see what the rest of us do, surprisingly she has started following his tune and made some smart remarks at my hen about what the wedding is costing them etc and how he's a guest I shouldn't be giving him jobs (I asked if the bridesmaids boyfriend might be able to bring some of the decorations from the church to the reception). Anyway I think she would be very defensive so not sure how to approach it.

I have really tried to rise above all of this and I know on the day I won't care, but I just think the way he has been going on is a bit unacceptable and would just think someone needs to call him up on it.

You should really have considered this before choosing your bridesmaid.

give her a choice - either the bf stays at home or they both do

lazygal

Mr Peebs wrote: »

You should really have considered this before choosing your bridesmaid.

give her a choice - either the bf stays at home or they both do

Ah, here, you can't decide on a bridesmaid because of who's she's dating! And people break up/meet people all the time.

MagicMarker

If you don't like him then why are you involving him by asking him to bring you decorations??? Your bridesmaid is absolutely right there.

Anyway, all in all this seems like a non-issue. He's made some ''remarks''. So what? What do you mean by keeping him ''in check''?

gsi300024v

You can't control everyone and everything so stop trying.
You might be stressing about the big day in general, and this stressing about the bridesmaids bf is just an easy acceptable way of letting those built up stresses out.
I'd not give him any more attention than he already has, he's trying to wind you up and you are falling for it.

lazygal

Sherlof3 wrote: »

Thanks Lazygal - it's so annoying I know he just wants a reaction! The little evil part of me would love to stick him in the corner with my aunts and see how they put up with him!

He sounds like a child. Our 'problem' guest was commented on by other guests-but in a 'he really needs to cop on way' not 'OMG this is a crap wedding because of this guy pointing out all the negative things about the day' way. Leave him off. If you've noticed how annoying he is, other people will too, and won't judge you on his behaviour.

Milly33

Oh dear one thing I am sure you do not need... What a shame and for the bm to be following suit, remarks like that would are a bit cheeky..

Is he sitting with ye at the top table or is he sitting somewhere else.. Depending where, for me I would put him out of sight of your table anywho so you don't have to be looking at him.. Put him with some other chap you think he will get along with, that way he might just end up having a laugh and forgetting all about taking the piss.

I find a lot of the time it is all just talk aswell, bet you on the day he will be as good as can be....

The only other option is to come out to the Bm and tell her that he is kinda of annoying you. You can say it nicely....

gsi300024v

Yeah, a bm would love to hear hey your bf is kinda of annoying. She probably doesn't think so, what if she said your future husband is kinda annoying because he said x y and z, would you answer, oh sorry, you are right, I'll go talk to him, thank you.

Milly33

Why not, I don't think they are 10 or children

gsi300024v

Who takes criticism of their partner well. Oh and if you really want to do it right, add in, he's acting annoyingly and you are starting to act that way too.
Try picture someone saying that to you, would you really say thanks for the newsflash that my bf and I have been acting annoying.
You might end up making him worse.
Possibly right, he's a guest at a wedding, he might like to just show up and at the wedding and have a nice day, not have to help out and more or less pay for his day out too. I'm just saying, look at both sides if you can before doing anything.

Milly33

right o

bigpink

Why did you ask him do to a job if you dislike him?

Sherlof3

lazygal wrote: »

Ah, here, you can't decide on a bridesmaid because of who's she's dating! And people break up/meet people all the time.

Mr Peebs wrote: »

You should really have considered this before choosing your bridesmaid.

give her a choice - either the bf stays at home or they both do

Ah she's one of my best friends and tbh there was no issue at all beforehand it's just seemed to creep out of the woodwork now!

Sherlof3

bigpink wrote: »

Why did you ask him do to a job if you dislike him?

The other bridesmaids boyrfriends volunteered over dinner one night, we actually didn't specifically ask him.

Sherlof3

MagicMarker wrote: »

If you don't like him then why are you involving him by asking him to bring you decorations??? Your bridesmaid is absolutely right there.

Anyway, all in all this seems like a non-issue. He's made some ''remarks''. So what? What do you mean by keeping him ''in check''?

As I mentioned I know it's not a big deal in the grand scheme of things but his non stop barrage of negative comments is an attempt at deliberately being mean, my query was just if there might be a way I could broach it with my bridesmaid.

Sherlof3

Part of me thinks the other guests would find his turning up in a white suit hilarious!

bucketybuck

Sherlof3 wrote: »

As I mentioned I know it's not a big deal in the grand scheme of things but his non stop barrage of negative comments is an attempt at deliberately being mean, my query was just if there might be a way I could broach it with my bridesmaid.

Why not just tell him to fuck off? The next time he comes out with some mean comment just tell him to keep his opinions to himself, and leave it at that.

Not everything has to be a drama, he is being a dick, tell him to stop being a dick and move on.

gsi300024v

Negative comments might just be lads humour being misread by a lady who is probably quiet stressed about her big day. None stop barrage?
Our judgements are often flawed.

We process info in a self-referential ways.

We can be significantly influenced by seemingly insignificant situational variables.

seamus

Sherlof3 wrote: »

I've known the boyfriend for years and we don't get along, but we muddle together for her sake. He's always had a bit of a chip on his shoulder but recently has been making a number of remarks about how I'm going to 'get some land' when he does X or Y, one of the threats is to turn up in a three piece white suit or tell my future in laws about getting too drunk at junior discos years ago.

So let him. Who is he? Just some guy. Trust me, the person who attempts to upstage or badmouth the bride at a wedding is the one who comes out of it with their own reputation in tatters.

how he's a guest I shouldn't be giving him jobs (I asked if the bridesmaids boyfriend might be able to bring some of the decorations from the church to the reception).

Yeah well I agree with this. Friends and family will happily do jobs for you. Bridesmaids' boyfriends, not so much. Don't give him anything to do, stick him at a table with people he knows and then you don't need to worry about him.

I have really tried to rise above all of this and I know on the day I won't care, but I just think the way he has been going on is a bit unacceptable and would just think someone needs to call him up on it.

Can't be you. Because getting a rise out of you is what he wants. Just don't involve him in the wedding and there's very little he can actually do besides making irritating remarks.

A lighter aside - as he's known you years is there any chance he actually fancies the arse off you and his infantile behaviour is his frustration coming out?

gsi300024v

Yeah fancies you or finds you as annoying as you find him?

Marsden

Tell him not her, if he has a problem with it he can f*ck off and not go the wedding. If it bothers you that much don't let it fester. Your mates feelings aren't the priority, why should you suffer because he feels like acting the eejit. If your mate doesn't understand then f*ck her too. It may be an awkward situation but its only awkward because he's making it that way.

is he in charge of speeches? no! so he'll be someone elses drunk problem wearing a white suit running round telling old disco stories. if your bridesmaid thinks he's worth emulating or admiring then so what, her problem.

play it by ear on the day and if you get along with any of the more adult type alpha males, tell them to check em, only if it's balatantly obvious to all he's being mean and thus taking away from your day! then your bridesmaid may wish she'd have cautioned him well in advance. he sounds like a knob though.

Sherlof3

I'm sure he finds me very annoying too - we've known each other since school and always lots of competition academically and with results etc. I was never that bothered about it but he was always very competitive! Had a snog about ten years ago but there's nothing unresolved there!

gsi300024v

The plot thickens!

Sherlof3

Thanks for all of the comments and suggestions all - it is a bit of a non-issue, I will go for a few drinks with my BM and try and see if there's anything she needs to air, and also try and quietly say it's a bit distracting him going on like that. Ultimately just need to let it wash over and this be the end of it!

"Ultimately just need to let it wash over and this be the end of it"
if you'd have done this years ago rather than giving him just a snog, who's to say the nuptials wouldn't be yours and his!!! ha ha ha cant beat a good semen joke!

bjork

Why are you worried if someone tells your parents you got drunk at junior cert discos

Sounds like your trying to control too much and are over worrying.

Sherlof3

lazygal wrote: »

He sounds like a child. Our 'problem' guest was commented on by other guests-but in a 'he really needs to cop on way' not 'OMG this is a crap wedding because of this guy pointing out all the negative things about the day' way. Leave him off. If you've noticed how annoying he is, other people will too, and won't judge you on his behaviour.

Milly33 wrote: »

Oh dear one thing I am sure you do not need... What a shame and for the bm to be following suit, remarks like that would are a bit cheeky..

Is he sitting with ye at the top table or is he sitting somewhere else.. Depending where, for me I would put him out of sight of your table anywho so you don't have to be looking at him.. Put him with some other chap you think he will get along with, that way he might just end up having a laugh and forgetting all about taking the piss.

I find a lot of the time it is all just talk aswell, bet you on the day he will be as good as can be....

The only other option is to come out to the Bm and tell her that he is kinda of annoying you. You can say it nicely....

rusty cole wrote: »

"Ultimately just need to let it wash over and this be the end of it"
if you'd have done this years ago rather than giving him just a snog, who's to say the nuptials wouldn't be yours and his!!! ha ha ha cant beat a good semen joke!

OH's parents are in their 80s and may be a bit like WTF!

yeah but I wasn't serious about the semen thing??? why you quote my joke!!

oh dear, bit of a stuffy pants then!

Sherlof3

rusty cole wrote: »

yeah but I wasn't serious about the semen thing??? why you quote my joke!!

oh dear, bit of a stuffy pants then!

Sorry that was an accident I didn't mean to quote all three things

Wafaa79

Sherlof3 wrote: »

I asked if the bridesmaids boyfriend might be able to bring some of the decorations from the church to the reception).

I would second a previous poster and give that job to someone else, he doesn't seem reliable and trustworthy enough to do it properly.
I think you have 2 ways of going about it:
1/ You ignore him completely because it looks like he is trying to push your buttons and you wouldn’t want to give him the satisfaction to see that it’s working.
Plus if he wants to show up dressed all in white or some stupid similar stunt, he is going to make himself and his girlfriend ridiculous, not you or your husband. And, that's free comedy relief for you and your guests ;-)
2/ It is up to you to know if your friendship with your bridesmaid compensates all the irritation you get from that guy. If she cannot be open and reasonable enough to try and understand how you feel about it and worse, if she starts acting like him, it might be a sign that this friendship is on the way out. Not a nice thing to face if you have been close all these years but sadly it happens.
I can relate to your situation in some ways. A former close friend also made a few comments on the costs of attending my wedding during my hen. She also pulled a face during the whole weekend because what I wanted to do didn’t match what she would have liked to do.
We have since had a major falling out and looking back, between her snide comments since I got engaged and her attempt to impose as her guest the disrespectful prick she was having casual sex with, I feel it was for the best.
Now only you will know if your bridesmaid’s general behaviour is the one of a true friend and if it’s worth gritting your teeth over her boyfriend’s immaturity.
PS: I am not a native speaker so apologies if my English sounds weird sometimes.

anncoates

I can't believe he threatened to turn up in a three piece suit. That would have just completely ruined my day at my wedding.

Wafaa79

anncoates wrote: »

I can't believe he threatened to turn up in a three piece suit. That would have just completely ruined my day at my wedding.

Come on, seriously? A guy making a fool of himself would have ruined your wedding? It's a reflection on him, not you.
We got married outside, in a garden, and one of my guests started panicking and run around like crazy in the middle of the ceremony because a wasp was following her.
We all had a good laugh about it.

anncoates

Wafaa79 wrote: »

Come on, seriously? A guy making a fool of himself would have ruined your wedding? It's a reflection on him, not you.

Absolutely. Because I was being completely serious there.

gsi300024v

Sherlof3 wrote: »

OH's parents are in their 80s and may be a bit like WTF!

You ain't marrying them. You are coming over as a wee bit over controlling.

gsi300024v

anncoates wrote: »

Absolutely. Because I was being completely serious there.

Catharsis, maybe OP talking about this out loud or typing here might help you see how you are possibly worrying over nothing at all. Say you have 100 guests one is a bit funny, so wat, it's a wedding, don't try make it be perfect, try make it fun and heartfelt, nothing is perfect!

It can't a coincidence the one guest annoying you is one you've kissed before and know ages. Not a chance!

Colser

A touch of jealousy there Id say OP and he also sounds like an attention seeking d*ck....
I wouldnt mention it to either of them because guarenteed they will twist your words and try to make you out to be some sort of bridzilla.
When he mentions doing something on the wedding day again just pretend like you didnt hear it and dont react as he is trying to get at you and will love to see it affecting you.
You wont get anywhere mentioning it to the BM because he is obviously rubbing off on her so she will deffo side with him.
Ignore him as best you can and mention casually at some stage that you are sorted for the decorations on the day.Dont let him take from the excitement leading up to your day..hes not worth it and theres always one ass*ole in the crowd.:)

AoifeCork

rusty cole wrote: »

...so he'll be someone elses drunk problem wearing a white suit running round telling old disco stories.

Hahahahahahahahaha! Monty Python sketch!

Sligo1

bucketybuck wrote: »

Why not just tell him to fuck off? The next time he comes out with some mean comment just tell him to keep his opinions to himself, and leave it at that.

Not everything has to be a drama, he is being a dick, tell him to stop being a dick and move on.

I second this! "O just f*ck off would ya!" Will go down a treat and with any luck it'll give him a bit of a shock and he'll keep his big mouth shut in future.

Toots

Sherlof3 wrote: »

Thanks for all of the comments and suggestions all - it is a bit of a non-issue, I will go for a few drinks with my BM and try and see if there's anything she needs to air, and also try and quietly say it's a bit distracting him going on like that. Ultimately just need to let it wash over and this be the end of it!

Fingers crossed it will go ok. Even if he doesn't knock the knobbery on the head, just try your best and ignore it. If anything I'd be hoping he does turn up at the wedding in a white 3 piece suit.

A man wearing a regular 3 piece suit to a wedding would look smart and classy. A man wearing a white 3 piece suit to a wedding would be lucky if he ended up looking like The Hoff, but would more likely end up looking like that langer out of Crystal Swing, ie; a laughing stock. People will think it's funny, but not in the way he intends it to be; they'll be laughing AT him, not with him.

Toots

To illustrate my point:


Just no. Not ever. Photographs should serve as a reminder to humanity to never allow this to happen again.





Could potentially work, providing the wearer is as god damn cool as Hoff.





I seem to have lost my train of thought............. mysterious desire to watch Suits re-runs on Netflix.... once I've wiped all the drool off my keyboard :pac:

liz lemoncello

Sherlof3 wrote: »

.,.... she's in love so doesn't see what the rest of us do, surprisingly she has started following his tune and made some smart remarks at my hen about what the wedding is costing them etc and how he's a guest I shouldn't be giving him jobs (I asked if the bridesmaids boyfriend might be able to bring some of the decorations from the church to the reception)....

Is it possible that your wedding is costing them more than they can afford? It would only explain her statements, however, and not his, as he has always been somewhat of a jerk.

gsi300024v

So to re cap, he is a jerk and she is becoming a jerk and you've done nothing while I'm sure being quite stressed to annoy them in anyway?

Gatica

Agree with Wafaa79's post...

I'm sorry you're having an awful time with your bridesmaid and her boyfriend.

Sherlof3 wrote: »

I'm wondering if I should ask my bridesmaid to keep her boyfriend in check for our wedding in July.
...
Anyway I think she would be very defensive so not sure how to approach it.

First of all, you can't ask someone to keep someone else in check. They're both adults and can't really be treated like children (even though his behaviour is childish). As you said, she may also get defensive of her OH, especially if she's following suit. You could ask a groomsman or a guest you trust to keep an eye on him if he tries anything funny on the day.

Sherlof3 wrote: »

made some smart remarks at my hen about what the wedding is costing them

Being a devil's advocate here, but is it possible that you've put any financial pressure on your bridesmaids (other than just the small thing of asking them to transport the flowers)? e.g. have you asked them to pay for own shoes, or dress, make-up/nails/tan, or even hotel room (although these aren't always paid for, some do)? If so, maybe they don't have the gall to approach you and tell you this to your face, and so it's coming out arse-ways as snide remarks.

Sherlof3 wrote: »

how he's a guest I shouldn't be giving him jobs (I asked if the bridesmaids boyfriend might be able to bring some of the decorations from the church to the reception).

Sherlof3 wrote: »

The other bridesmaids boyrfriends volunteered over dinner one night, we actually didn't specifically ask him.

As a suggestion with this douchebag, if he and your bridesmaid have a problem with him being given "jobs" when he's just a guest, then just tell her sorry, you didn't mean to give them something that would inconvenience them and ask someone else to bring the flowers he would've been bringing. Then the other bridesmaids' boyfriends (the ones that suggested they'd help out in this way) can do those little jobs for you, and he'll just be the knob boyfriend that refused to do this simple task.

Sherlof3 wrote: »

recently has been making a number of remarks about how I'm going to 'get some land' when he does X or Y

You mentioned "land". The only thing I know about land ownership is from The Field ... So if you guys are somehow related and you stand to gain while he stands to lose from some family transaction/inheritance et al, then maybe he's just bitter over that.

Sherlof3 wrote: »

The little evil part of me would love to stick him in the corner with my aunts and see how they put up with him!

If your bridesmaid is sitting with you, you can always do this :rolleyes:



I wouldn't have gathered sarcasm from this comment, tbh:

anncoates wrote: »

I can't believe he threatened to turn up in a three piece suit. That would have just completely ruined my day at my wedding.

also love this quote:

rusty cole wrote: »

he'll be someone elses drunk problem wearing a white suit running round telling old disco stories.

Sherlof3

liz lemoncello wrote: »

Is it possible that your wedding is costing them more than they can afford? It would only explain her statements, however, and not his, as he has always been somewhat of a jerk.

Gatica wrote: »

Agree with Wafaa79's post...


Being a devil's advocate here, but is it possible that you've put any financial pressure on your bridesmaids (other than just the small thing of asking them to transport the flowers)? e.g. have you asked them to pay for own shoes, or dress, make-up/nails/tan, or even hotel room (although these aren't always paid for, some do)? If so, maybe they don't have the gall to approach you and tell you this to your face, and so it's coming out arse-ways as snide remarks.

Hi both. Am paying for dresses, bags, hair make up, hotel, dinner and drinks etc. Asked them whether they wanted to wear their own shoes or I'd buy them some, all agreed they'd be comfier in their own shoes and their dresses are long so I don't give a hoot.

They are paying for their own flights to France and I have always tried to be sensitive here and make sure they weren't under pressure.

For this particular couple they are both always talking about making more than 100K, and they have paid off the mortgages on two houses. He is mortally scabby though i.e. 'doesn't believe' in tipping / would never stand a round etc.

I am very aware and grateful the bridesmaids are flying over to France and that there is still a number of expenses for them, and have continually said please let me know if anything is too much etc.

gsi300024v

More plot thicking, if he doesn't like you I can see it been a royal pain having to go to France for a wedding of someone you don't like. Yes he could not go, but he is going probably for his gf. You seem to not like him full stop, so whatever he does is filtered through that lens of not liking him for years.
Is anyone actually going to say, oh I can't afford this or that can you pay for it please, hardly!!
It does put a different spin on things now you mention it's a non local wedding.

Gatica

Well, in that case, it does seem that your wedding is costing them money. I'm sure they've agreed to be bridesmaids and would have happily gone, but it still doesn't negate the fact.
Even if they are earning 6 figure sums, they may not like having to spend it on someone else. Even if it's a small fraction of earnings.
However, since she's agreed to go and so has he, they should suck it up and get on with it. I've gone to friends' weddings abroad (non-Irish weddings though) and would never dream to blame the couple for my expense as it was my choice to go all the same. ...but you can see how something that would normally be more insignificant, would crop up because of latent ill-feelings.

CaraMay

I suspect that the bm is bitching about you / the wedding to him and he is acting like this on the basis of her actions.

You have come out with a few bridezilla comments op. Are you sure it's them who've changed?

Sherlof3

CaraMay wrote: »

I suspect that the bm is bitching about you / the wedding to him and he is acting like this on the basis of her actions.

You have come out with a few bridezilla comments op. Are you sure it's them who've changed?

Maybe you're right, if so I need some introspection. Just trying to get a handle on things.