what to think of a gf who...

ippn1

i just dont get it why there was a time (short one lets say a month - we were together for cca 6 months) when she was inviting herself to come over my place - for exaple we had sex on saturday and two days later she was asking me when she can come again. Sex just didnt get magically good all of sudden... Why she bought bigger bed - for the two of us so i could spent a night over at her place. I know that for a fact. I just cant link the dots... i dont understand her actions... it just doesnt add up...

Stavro Mueller

Maybe she got handier at the sex business with some other bloke?

I'm not sure what advice it is you're looking for? If you find yourself not getting much action between the sheets and after a year, this isn't changing you're left with two options. 1) Put up with it or 2) Walk.

beks101

ippn1 wrote: »

i just dont get it why there was a time (short one lets say a month - we were together for cca 6 months) when she was inviting herself to come over my place - for exaple we had sex on saturday and two days later she was asking me when she can come again. Sex just didnt get magically good all of sudden... Why she bought bigger bed - for the two of us so i could spent a night over at her place. I know that for a fact. I just cant link the dots... i dont understand her actions... it just doesnt add up...

There you go again.

"It doesn't add up..." and yet you're still hanging around desperately waiting for an answer that is palatable. Something, anything that will justify you staying and not having to address the gaping hole that this relationship is creating in your life.

Listen, you know the score here. You can lie to yourself all you want, but deep down you know that you can't get what you need from her. Any fleeting happiness you've had with her has been overshadowed by these long gaps of hot-and-cold from her and second-guessing from you.

STOP. Just, stop doing this to yourself. Stop psychoanalyzing. Stop making excuses for her. Think about what you want in life. Can she give it to you for more than five minutes?

Are you happy to spend your life sexually frustrated, emotionally unfulfilled, mentally tortured?

You have to address this right now. Not put it on the long finger and come back in six months with another woeful, predictable thread about how miserable you are.

tinkerbell

OP, all you talk about is sex. Every post of yours on this thread is about sex. You have far bigger issues than sex and to be honest, the way you go on about sex here it's hardly surprising that the girl has distanced herself from you, because the impression I get is that despite being in a "relationship" for a year, all you want to talk about is getting laid.

If I'm honest, it's actually a bit creepy. This girl is not interested in you now. She may once have been, but not anymore. Just because she had sex with you, doesn't mean she wants to be with you. The sooner you get that into your head, the better. Leave her alone - she's not interested.

ippn1

tinkerbell wrote: »

OP, all you talk about is sex. Every post of yours on this thread is about sex. You have far bigger issues than sex and to be honest, the way you go on about sex here it's hardly surprising that the girl has distanced herself from you, because the impression I get is that despite being in a "relationship" for a year, all you want to talk about is getting laid.

If I'm honest, it's actually a bit creepy. This girl is not interested in you now. She may once have been, but not anymore. Just because she had sex with you, doesn't mean she wants to be with you. The sooner you get that into your head, the better. Leave her alone - she's not interested.

i mean what should i do??? Of course i want sex in relationship, i m not a boyfriend who wants only sex - many times there went weeks by that i didnt even mentioned it! i am sure i am a good , caring boyfriend, last week she said she has never doubt that i love her! i also told her i love her, but i wish 'to have her more' than once a month! she replied i love you too, but nothing about the other part...
But since she never puts herself in position to actually have sex with me, what can you expect me to do? WHAT CAN I DO? You sound angry with me because i am frustrated that my GF doesnt care bout sex and my needs... /
maybe it sounds i am all about sex - IM NOT, But its a problem when you have sex oncea a month or even less in irst year of being together.... I DO love her thats the fact and i DO show her that constantly, thats why we are still together, and believe it or not we have great time together, except you know what...

DeltaWhite

I can understand your frustration OP. I'm female with a high sex drive and I don't think I could stay in a situation like yours. What answer pops into your head when you ask yourself "can I go through all this AGAIN for another year?"

I feel for you because it sounds like you really like her a lot, but there comes a time when you have to look at your relationship and choose if it's for you or not. Seriously though purely a what if question of sorts but: can you see yourself marrying this girl? Can you see her changing for the better and you'll be happier ever after?

You've already tried talking to her and it didn't work! My dad once asked me when I was in a bad relationship "do you see yourself marrying him?" My answer was a flat out no and I broke up with the guy the very next day. Best decision I have ever made in my life..

Just some things for you to think about. And I don't want to seem harsh but it's seems like you're desperately clinging onto something that's not working. I know it's your first relationship but you can and WILL find somebody else who will be a better match for you!

ippn1

i guess you are right, in my opinion we have a problem where there should be absoulutely no problem in our realtionship at least at this stage... I cant see the real picture because its my first relationship... I always thought that it is normal that she would be as eager to have sex at weekends (every chance we can get since we dont live together) as me but looks like i was wrong. AM I WRONG? I dont even know what to think anymore, im blind by emotions... I also blame myself that i didnt want to sleep over during weeks/workdays when she first bought a bigger bed and she expect me to do so... She must have a motivation to do so, i even helped her rearange her room for our new bed at her place...
But months after i change my mind and hoped we can solve our problem this way she wasnt intrested in it anymore or she would invite me whenever she could since she knows am willing to sleep over.

If my friend would have the same problem and i was objective i think ill advice him to go seperate ways. but i do love her...
To answer you question? I think i can, but id not be happy and became more and more resentfull towards her...

strobe

ippn1 wrote: »

I always thought that it is normal that she would be as eager to have sex at weekends (every chance we can get since we dont live together) as me but looks like i was wrong.

That is what's normal. And will be the case with most girls you have a thing with. But it's not the case it this one. You're learning a valuable less right now that most people have to learn at some point. If you're not happy about something major in a relationship, and this is about as major as they come, and upon trying to talk to the person and resolve the issue it doesn't change, then leave.

Look you love her, and it's your first relationship so you won't have learned this yet either, but love is not finite. If you break up with this one, you will meet someone else and fall in love with them too, that's how it works.

There's no reason to stay in this situation. You should have left 3 months in the time of your first thread. If you had of done, you would probably be in another relationship by now, falling in love with her, but not be constantly feeling sexually frustrated, and rejected and like your love life is a constant struggle. Basically right now you could have anything you enjoy from being with this girl, without all the things you do not, imagine how awesome that'd be?
All you're doing now is delaying the inevitable and preventing yourself from meeting that awesome girl.

ippn1

I know you are right...
Part of me wants to stay in this relationship because everything else in fine. i have nothing to complain about except the lack of sex and her interest in it -since the start... I also noticed our relationship is not what it used to be since Im more and more frustrated, and resentful because things hasnt changed. I just cant belive she doesnt do anything about it, she doesnt try to change it,...because if she did she would do something about it. Dont you agree? We made a plan how to resolve this issue the last time we have an argument/talked about it and she hasnt invite me or invite herself to spend a night together ( or even mentioned sex) not even ONCE in 3 MONTHS ... I love her but i think i have no choice. I just want to make sure im doing the right thing since i dont even know how it looks like / supposed to be in relationship with some other girl.

I mean I just dont get it whats the deal with her?? Maybe se doesnt like sex??? - she shows me that she loves me but not in that way or not enough to satisfy me even tho i told her what bothers my for couple of times...... she even suggested that we can solve our problem with moving in together but i found that a nonsense since i knew im gonna have my own place after a month. Now i have it for 3 months and nothing changed. I guess I have to stop looking for excuses for her why she doest want to have sex and just find my peace by realizing she doesnt like sex or at least not with me... Its just sad... Tnx for helping everybody. I appreciate every opinion!

Fubrege

ippn1 wrote: »

I know you are right...
Part of me wants to stay in this relationship because everything else in fine. i have nothing to complain about except the lack of sex and her interest in it -since the start... I also noticed our relationship is not what it used to be since Im more and more frustrated, and resentful because things hasnt changed. I just cant belive she doesnt do anything about it, she doesnt try to change it,...because if she did she would do something about it. Dont you agree? We made a plan how to resolve this issue the last time we have an argument/talked about it and she hasnt invite me or invite herself to spend a night together ( or even mentioned sex) not even ONCE in 3 MONTHS ... I love her but i think i have no choice. I just want to make sure im doing the right thing since i dont even know how it looks like / supposed to be in relationship with some other girl.

I mean I just dont get it whats the deal with her?? Maybe se doesnt like sex??? - she shows me that she loves me but not in that way or not enough to satisfy me even tho i told her what bothers my for couple of times...... she even suggested that we can solve our problem with moving in together but i found that a nonsense since i knew im gonna have my own place after a month. Now i have it for 3 months and nothing changed. I guess I have to stop looking for excuses for her why she doest want to have sex and just find my peace by realizing she doesnt like sex or at least not with me... Its just sad... Tnx for helping everybody. I appreciate every opinion!

You'd have to question whether she is attracted to you.

ippn1

is it possible that she has such a low sex drive?
i mean, i know she does love me , she even suggested to move in together (that was one of her solution to have more sex when i told her that the lack of sex really bothers me and i wont be able to continue that way for much longer)..
i just dont buy it when some ppl here say that she is not into me... She is very affectionate and caring, just sex part... i m not gonna repaet myself over and over again. it was enough already.
i can dump her or try to move in with her...i just dont feel like talking to her about lack of sex again... i think it wont change anything.

Taltos

Ok.
So you move in and in 5 years where are you?
Can you really see yourself being happy in a low sex relationship?

Once you start juggling bills, cleaning and having the mystery and excitement removed what's left?

Man life's too damn short. Sexual incompatibility kills relationships but not before hitting one or the other partners confidence for six.

ippn1

maybe it wouldt be a problem if we live together - lay every night in the same bed - as i said she never denied my advances once in bed, even when she is on period she takes care of me. But to get her in the bed is a freakin art...

i think every sane male would dump her in the first 3 months or even sooner, but i do love her, shes my first love. I had others before her but things werent serious, there was no love, at least not mutual...it would be horrible to let her go but i think i should soon...

Stavro Mueller

There have been quite a few threads here from men trapped in unhappy, celibate marriages with wives who refuse point blank to sleep with them. They sleep side by side in the same bed but that's as far as things go. In just about every thread here, there are kids in these marriages. Children conceived on the rare occasions the wives had sex with their husbands. It's often the fear of living lives without their children that is stopping these guys from leaving.

Now to the bit which is very important here: in just about all of these threads, someone has asked the unhappy husband what was their sex lives like before marriage. In 99.9% of the cases, it wasn't great. Yet despite the warning signs, these guys went ahead and married their girlfriends anyway. Now they're trapped, celibate, miserable. Have tried everything but nothing will work.

Don't say you weren't warned.

strobe

ippn1 wrote: »

is it possible that she has such a low sex drive?

That is possible yes. She may just have no (or very very very little) interest in sex at all. If that is the case, and that was you too, if you were like that as well, then that would be a perfect match. You're not though, that's the thing.

And if that is the case (it might not be, she may be sex mad and getting all she wants elsewhere, for one alternative possibility), well think about it this way. How many people have a high 'listening to someone talk about their problems' drive? How many people feel a deep physical need to sit down and listen to someone talk about the problems they are having at work, or the issues they are having with one of their friends, or... etc. No one right? That's not a thing.

Now what would you think of a situation where someone posted on here saying "it's really important to me to be able to talk tough times through with my girlfriend/boyfriend if I'm upset over something. They aren't like that, they don't really feel the need to do that when it comes to their problems, but it's a big thing to me. It really helps and when I don't have them to rely on like that when I need them it badly effects me. Which they are aware of. But they constantly avoid it. If I ring them up and tell them something bad has happened and I could really do with talking it through with someone, they do everything they can to avoid being that person. They won't even come over to my place accept once a month because I might want to talk about things with them. I've tried talking to them several times, and they are very aware of how much this means to me, but they still make no effort at all to be there for me in the way I need them. We have sex all the time because that's something that's important to them but when it comes to this thing that's important to me they show no interest at all. What should I do?"

What would you tell that person?

It's the same situation.

You have a need in the relationship. A perfectly normal one. One that's a normal part of a relationship. You've explained how you feel and she is very well aware of how it's effecting you. But she just doesn't care. Doing what is convenient for her trumps any need you have regardless of how that will effect you. She's at best, incredibly selfish.

Dude, bail.

njs030

Agree 100% with the above post.

It really doesnt matter if she has a low sex drive or no sex drive, what matters is you're not happy and she's not willing to change.

Though, really no one should be forced to change themselves for someone else. Yes of course there's things we adjust and behaviours we modify to help our relationships run smoother, but forcing someone to change who they are, at a basic level to suit you is very unfair, and will cause a break up in the future anyway.

As sad as it is op this girl isn't for you, at worst she's using you to have a "boyfriend" to talk about, and at best you're incompatible.

Honestly these problems will help you recognise what you do need and help you to find it with the right person.

ippn1

The last time I brought the lack of sex topic up she got very defensive. She always has the same defense 'how many times have you slept over at my place? We are both to blame!'
My reply is always the same 'not as much as I d like' which is true. She has done absolutely nothing since our last argument about how to change things for the better. She said she wants to find a solution – moving in together and that i can sleep over at her place, anyday of the week… Moving in together was not a good idea because i have my own place and its just expensive, i told her that. I havent suggested her to move in at my place since she came her only once every month…When I said what about we agree not to have sex at all (i said that just bacuase i want to hear her response, and she said thats a stupid solution and it is not healty to not have sex in relationhsip)
Since i have told you guys so much Im gonna tell you this too even tho im ashamed: The thing is that if she wanted this to work she would put some effort on it, but nothing has changed. We agree how to save realtionship but she puts no effor to actually do it.
Also after reading my diary Im gonna tell you guys something i wrote down in a diary few months back. I invited myself to her place on a Fridays to sleeep over at her plcae. She said OK. Th next day she said she would invite me to come BUT her sister left her dog at hr place to wathc it over, adn te dog can only sleep in her room otherwise it barks and doest sleep. So tjhat was the reason I could come even tho I wanted to. Of course next time she didnt invite me herself….
I was angry as hell since i had a feeling a dog has priority ove r me. I think its just disrespectuf. When i told her that she said she knows I dont like that dog (i dont because its not cicilized) and thats the reason she didt innvite me…
Tnx for opinion people! I think we wont be together much longer…

Penny Tration

I don't know why you keep saying she loves you.

She doesn't.

If she loved you, she'd want to discuss this and work on it. She's refusing to do that. She very clearly only cares about her own feelings here.

You were given pretty much the same advice 9 months ago, and nothing has changed.

ippn1

well you heard only the negative things about her, Theres a good side too, otherwise i wont be with her for over a year.

Stavro Mueller

All that would happen if you did move in together is that she'd invent new ways spurning your advances. Not that I could ever see you moving in together anyway.

Penny Tration

Who cares that she does nice things?

I hug my friends, am very affectionate with them, and do nice things for them. I don't want sex with them though.

Your girlfriend is a friend. Not a girlfriend.

You say she never rejects your advances in bed. How can you live like that? Having sex, knowing the other person doesn't want it and is just going along with it? I'd never be able to have sex unless I knew my partner wanted it, and he wouldn't either.

It boils down to this -

Stay with her, and have a long, sex starved, depressing sham of a relationship.

Or, dump her, move on and in time meet someone who will show you what love actually is.

You're pretty much just going round in circles now. What has changed since your thread last year? Nothing. You're back, with the same issues.

It's time to either put up with it, or leave.

Meauldsegosha

ippn1 wrote: »

She always has the same defense 'how many times have you slept over at my place? We are both to blame!'
My reply is always the same 'not as much as I d like' which is true.

You (and her) keep mentioning staying at her place. Is there a reason she won't stay in yours?

ippn1

Absolutely no reason, hell she can come whenever she wants. She knows that! Thast just her defense...

DeltaWhite

I have to agree with Stavro about the threads that are regularly on here, men completely miserable In their marriage. I always wonder why they continued if they were so unhappy but I think most of them felt that things would change or get better, but it doesn't most of the time.

You have a tough decision to make OP. I can see you're already finding it hard to let go, but I can guarantee that you are going to be more miserable in say 6 months time if you stay with her and it doesn't change. If you really really want to try one last time, then sit down with her face to face and tell her exactly what's on your mind. Id then give a months deadline and if it's still the same then you have your answer. That to me is the last resort, I have to be blunt and honest and say that I cannot see the situation changing. I am certain though, that you will only become more resentful and more bitter towards her and that's not fair on either of you!

Meauldsegosha

ippn1 wrote: »

Absolutely no reason, hell she can come whenever she wants. She knows that! Thast just her defense...

A girlfriend shouldn't need a defence not to sleep with her boyfriend. It sounds like she is stringing you along until someone else comes along. For your self respect and self esteem you should end it with her sooner than later.

ippn1

There were something off from the beginning, if not i wouldnt make a thread after 3 months of relationship when everything should be great, especially sex. It just hoped it will get better and it did for a short period of time but not in the long run. There was a time she was the initiator regarding sex - she has inviting herself to my place 3 or 4 times during that time but that ended soon. Dont know why..??

What bothers me is that I just dont get it. Why would she be eager to sleep with me just for one short period of time and then i get her once every 5,6 weeks.
I know I love her I also know I m not happy. I know things likely will not change for the better.

I have been blinded by emotions entire relationship thats why i m seeking help here. I tink ill took your advices sooner or later...

Big Bag of Chips

She's not your gf. She's your gf in name. She was excited about the first anniversary so that she could tell people she's been with her bf for a year. That's it.

Outside of that she's your friend. If you moved in together she would become your housemate. Why does she still live at home and call it "her place"? It's not her place it's her mother's place, and to be honest any adult would feel uncomfortable having sex with the mother in the next room.

I think this has gotten to a stage now where it is a case of 'stay in my house so we can have sex.' Rather than 'stay in my house and we'll have a nice evening, that may or may not end in sex'. There's a chance that she feels under pressure that you only want her to stay so you can have sex. Obviously she's not that bothered. She enjoys it when it happens but isn't necessarily "in the mood" before that, if you know what I mean.

Why not drop the sex issue for a little while, and invite her over.. For a pizza and DVD, and no expectation of anything else.

I sense that you are never going to be a 3 times a week couple. But if you take the expectation out of it it might make things less pressured.

Maybe

ippn1

That might be the case, but you know, not everytime she came to my place we had sex. I even cooked her the dinner once and the night, and the other time we make pizza together and both times night didnt end up having sex, because i saw she was not in the mood when lying in my bed after eating so much, so i didnt even try... Based on that she souldnt have feeling that i invite her over just for sex but at the same time that could be the case, i dont know what ses thinking. But WHAT CAN I DO, there is no sex for 4,5,6 weeks and if i invite her over of course i expect sex. Wouldnt you? If i was pushy about it I wouldnt tolarate it that far. i hope she understands that.... I think there are not many guys in that position and age that would put up with BS problems that I/we have...

At the same time I do show that i love and care for her. And when she was interested having sex with me she had no problem inviting herself. The same way im doing it all along. SO...

The fact is that i know she is not that much in sex, but what bothers me is that she knows it means big deal to me, but she doesnt do anything about it, she puts no effort to change things if she did, she would invite me or invite herself at least once ever 2 weeks or something. but weeks can go by and she wont say a single word about the lack of sex... looks like she really doesnt care much about my needs, just her own feelings and needs...

Stavro Mueller

I still think she's not into you but let's leave that aside for now.

It may just be that she's just someone who doesn't really like sex. Or is someone with a very low sex drive. She might be very happy to go for months without sex. Something I might add, she's perfectly entitled to do. If your sex drive and hers are so wildly different, then it's time to cut your losses and find someone whose libido matches yours.

ippn1

Jenny Thalia wrote: »

Who cares that she does nice things?

You say she never rejects your advances in bed. How can you live like that? Having sex, knowing the other person doesn't want it and is just going along with it? I'd never be able to have sex unless I knew my partner wanted it, and he wouldn't either.

Well she initates sex 2 times since we are together.One time she took my hand and take me to bed while i was watching a TV (great feeling, was really happy that day), and the other time we were kising and she started undressing me... But thats about it.