what to think of a gf who...

ippn1

we have been together for a year. We are both 28 now. So we had our one year anniversary on Wednesday. We dont have regular sex (she lives at home and she rarely came to my place where we can have sex even tho i invite her quite often she came only once a month). So on Wednesday we went to a dinner and during dinner i suggested/invited her to come to my place on Saturday, but she declined invitation, because her best friend came back from holidays - she was gone for 14 days, and my gf rather wait for her at home to have a drink with her than come to my place and make some love. I m pretty hurt ((
She also gave me nothing for our anniversary even tho she was constantly counting how many months/weeks/days are still missing till one year together, so i thought its a big deal to her. Am i wrong to being hurt?!?

strobe

Have you said to her that you're unhappy with only having sex once a month? What was her response?

DeltaWhite

Few questions for you OP.

Have you ever spoken to her about her sex drive?
Is she open with you about sex in general?
Do you both kiss and cuddle/flirt a lot when out or at home?
Have you ever questioned why she doesnt stay with you more often?
Did you get her a gift for the anniversary?

Sorry for all the questions by the way, myself and my bf have never gotten each other anything for our anniversaries, we just go to a hotel or go out for a nice meal together so it's something we can enjoy with each other which in fairness we kind of spoke about fairly early on in the relationship so we're both ok with it! Maybe she is a bit like that?

Littlekittylou

Am i wrong to being hurt?!?

NO! About sex once a month. NO WAY.

She also gave me nothing for our anniversary

That's not kind. No I don't think you are wrong to be hurt.

Have you suggested maybe coming over twice or three times a week to spend the night? Is it hard or a long way? Does she feel ok in your place? Have you let her leave some stuff there to shower etc? Does she feel comfortable?

If you are inviting her regularly and going out a year I would expect you to be spending more time together and more overnight stays. I think that situation is not normal.
Ask her why she doesn't.

No I don't think that's normal.

I know couples who after a year spend almost every night together. That might not work for everyone. But I would expect twice a week. Once a month is not normal.

Saralee4

part of your post stood out to me was the fact that you said that she was counting down the days till you were together for one year.

Could it be that she is not really interested in a relationship with you and just puts in the minimum effort to keep it going. Perhaps she likes saying that she is 'in a relationship' to other people for social status or whatever it is.

Sometimes I see posts here and people seem to have a lot of incompatibility problems from very early days in their relationships. When I met my husband the first year was so much fun, we just really enjoyed each others company and that continued. Obviously sometimes after many years together, we wreck one another's head since real life and responsibilities have into he relationship but we had a good foundation from the first few years that we can deal with it. It just seems like its an effort for your gf. Even if she doesn't have a high sex drive, she should still want to see you.

you say that she only comes to stay once a month, that's only 12 times a year despite having opportunity to see you more. I would say have a serious talk to her about it and explain that you are not happy.

ippn1

We live 15 minutes (driving) away. Sex was always an issue - i was writing a diary all along, now im reading it: we only have sex 4 times in 5 months, 7 times in half a year... i would say we have had sex around 15x in one year! She is always caring and affectionate towards me plus she really wants me to be part of her family (always invites my to family members bday parties and vacation together).

but from the start of relationship she always find a reason not to come to my palce and have sex. i just don get it. there was a time (a month) that she was really eager to come (she was inviting herself) that was 6 month into the relationship but that stopped pretty soon after. By the way she never stops my advances and has never denied me in the bed, but its an art to get her into it. i just dont get it.

i always feel pretty hurt after weeks and weeks goes by and she wont come and what bothers me more is that she doesnt even care there is no sex for such a long period of time - she never said anything about it...

i just dont get it. i talked to her 3 times about how important is sex to me but nothing ever change... we dont have sex for 4,5,6 and sometimes even more months - up to 9 is a record... im desperate... and unhappy. i feel unwanted and unloved. and it doest bother her there is no sex. i used to get resentful towards her after so many weeks went by and we always have an argument but nothing change after that - we have sex soon after and then the cycle continue... its my first serious relationship and i love her, thats why i dont know what to do...

ippn1

DeltaWhite wrote: »

Few questions for you OP.

Have you ever spoken to her about her sex drive?
Is she open with you about sex in general?
Do you both kiss and cuddle/flirt a lot when out or at home?
Have you ever questioned why she doesnt stay with you more often?
Did you get her a gift for the anniversary?

Sorry for all the questions by the way, myself and my bf have never gotten each other anything for our anniversaries, we just go to a hotel or go out for a nice meal together so it's something we can enjoy with each other which in fairness we kind of spoke about fairly early on in the relationship so we're both ok with it! Maybe she is a bit like that?

- yes i did, she said she has no problem in that department...
- yes she is.
- we do that alot...
-yes, many times, always the same answer - something different comes up and she doenst have time
- yes i did, it was a painting that i made...

bp

I am taking a guess here, but maybe she feels that you only invite her over for sex. That she feels that is the only reason you want her? As I said I don't know, but that would put me off too!

DeltaWhite

I have to say OP since reading your 2nd post I would be so upset at her too if it were me. Have you asked her if she's really being honest with you? It sounds a little like maybe she's not into sex much. She may not have a high sex drive? Would you mind if I asked what is her reaction like when you mention to her about the lack of sex/not staying with you? And what exactly does she say?

Ps.. I'm an artist so I would be p!ssed if I went to the trouble of creating a painting for my OH to get nothing in return!

ippn1

DeltaWhite wrote: »

I have to say OP since reading your 2nd post I would be so upset at her too if it were me. Have you asked her if she's really being honest with you? It sounds a little like maybe she's not into sex much. She may not have a high sex drive? Would you mind if I asked what is her reaction like when you mention to her about the lack of sex/not staying with you? And what exactly does she say?

Ps.. I'm an artist so I would be p!ssed if I went to the trouble of creating a painting for my OH to get nothing in return!

thx for reading my long posts...

she said that things comes up in life... thats life, she cant help it or something like this. After we started having sex and she never orgasmed, i said id like to give her one and she should tell me what should i do to please her... She said dont worry, that she has never had an orgasm with any boyfriend and that it is OK. i asked her if she achieved orgasms by masturbating and she said yes... Maybe thats the reason. After that i was watching/noticing her during sex more closely and all i can say from her body responses and facial expressions is that she likes it/enjoys it... im lost...

strobe

ippn1 wrote: »

i just dont get it. i talked to her 3 times about how important is sex to me but nothing ever change...

Break up.

Merkin

Sounds like she wants to have a boyfriend but doesn't want to bother herself with the intricacies that are involved in same. I'm not just referring to sex but just making time for you and showing you she cares. Sounds like she wants to say she has a boyfriend, by wheeling you out for family functions and stuff, but she isn't really all that bothered. I appreciate that you have no prior relationship experience but I can tell you with certainty m'dear that a happy and enjoyable relationship is not one where your emotional and sexual needs are not being fulfilled. You've tried talking to her three times now, you're evidently not very high on her priority list, so I would be dumping her unceremoniously if I were you.

Stavro Mueller

Is this the same girl you've posted about here before?

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2057117345

ippn1

YES SHE IS!

this is how our relationship started and it hasnt change since...

Stavro Mueller

You used to post as well about a different(?) girl who wasn't very nice to you iether. At this stage you've got to stop and ask yourself why you keep pursuing girls who only treat you as a diversion when there's nothing better happening in their lives.

LegacyUser

Who initiates all the contact and meet ups in the relationship op? To be honest it doesn't sound she's interested at all, I'm surprised it's lasted a year!!

dudara

@strobe - Please take the time to read the recent forum announcement. Single one-liner responses are not welcome here anymore. Please try to provide better advice in future.

dudara

njs030

Why are you still with her?

You weren't happy after 3 months and the same problem is still there.

If you're asking how to change her, you can't. You can try talking to her but you said you did that and she had no response so it's either that she has a low sex drive, or she's not into you sexually.

So, the question is, what do YOU want? Are you prepared to put up with it or not? If not then what are you prepared to do?

Littlekittylou

ippn1 wrote: »

.
we only have sex 4 times in 5 months, 7 times in half a year...

That is unbelievable! How did you survive!??

YES SHE IS!

this is how our relationship started and it hasnt change since...

i just dont get it. i talked to her 3 times about how important is sex to me but nothing ever change...

Strobe.

Break up.

I agree.

She said dont worry, that she has never had an orgasm with any boyfriend and that it is OK.

You guys could perhaps go away a weekend and try sexual exploration I dunno. It sounds like she is not motivated to change.

Sounds like she wants to have a boyfriend but doesn't want to bother herself with the intricacies that are involved in same. I'm not just referring to sex but just making time for you and showing you she cares.

Some people like the idea of having one in their head. Maybe it's like a security blanket.

ippn1

Tabs101 wrote: »

Who initiates all the contact and meet ups in the relationship op? To be honest it doesn't sound she's interested at all, I'm surprised it's lasted a year!!

It about 50/50. I can tell she is really into me and sometimes she does rally nice things for me, but at the same time i also noticed her friends and her humanitary work (shes a volunteer - 2 months every year) are priority over me... During this time she neglects our relationship... During this time - 2 months - she never came to my place and we live 15 minutes away driving, she said she doesnt have time and the little time that she has she took for herself... during that time i was seeing her mostly only when i came to help her with her volunteer work...

By the way, sex with her is good, she really puts an effort everytime to satisfy me...
But it happens so rarely. After couple of weeks without sex i always feel unloved and unwanted, and thats where my resentment and argument starts.

ippn1

Littlekittylou wrote: »

That is unbelievable! How did you survive!??

I dont know, I think we did because it was my first serious relationhip - first girl in my life that i love so im willing to put up with this.. Even tho i m unhappy many times because of lack of sex.Everymonth i ger in abad mood because of that. What botherrs me even more is the fact that I think it d be normal that she would be bothered by the lack of sex.. i mean there were dozen times when there were no sex for 4,5,6 and even more weeks and she never said a word about it! i find that strange. Dont you?

DeltaWhite

Chocrealo wrote: »

I'd have a chat with her and let her know that as things stand you won't be able to continue the relationship, let her know that you don't feel like much of a priority in her life given the infrequent sex and general interest and effort on her part.

Since your additional posts OP, I would say the above is the best thing to do. You are going to drive yourself demented. It's not going to help your confidence either IMO. This is your first real relationship, the first year is usually lots of sex and fun times, cant keep your hands off each other etc. What you're describing sounds a bit like a long distance relationship, and you guys live 15mins drive from each other?

Sorry OP, but if things haven't changed since your thread a year ago, then you really need to ask yourself "can I go through another year of this?"

That's what I would be asking myself and I know my answer would be nope.

Stavro Mueller

I find it strange you think this is a serious relationship. It wouldn't surprise me if she has another guy on the go and is keeping you on the back burner. It's clear that all she has to do is throw you some crumbs from the table to keep you reeled in. Even if she doesn't have another guy, you are quite low on her list of priorities. Bottom line here is that if she genuinely liked you, you'd be seeing a lot of each other.

These threads and the ones you posted about this other girl you used to like are indicating a pattern. Twice now you've gotten involved with girls who have messed you around quite a bit. Ones who don't see you as boyfriend material but have sensed that you're the sort of person they can pr!ck tease, string along on vague promises and generally not treat with respect. For your own sake you need to spend some time being single and to gain some perspective.

You need to set standards for yourself. In other words, do not entertain women who are messing you around. You've put up with this for over a year -why? ? Because you finally found a woman willing to put out for you?

yermandan

Op,

People have differing sex-drives but this is excessive and all of your posts scream to me that she just isn't that into you and for your own sake you should probably walk away and find soneone who is.

Best of luck

ippn1

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

I find it strange you think this is a serious relationship. It wouldn't surprise me if she has another guy on the go and is keeping you on the back burner. It's clear that all she has to do is throw you some crumbs from the table to keep you reeled in. Even if she doesn't have another guy, you are quite low on her list of priorities. Bottom line here is that if she genuinely liked you, you'd be seeing a lot of each other.

These threads and the ones you posted about this other girl you used to like are indicating a pattern. Twice now you've gotten involved with girls who have messed you around quite a bit. Ones who don't see you as boyfriend material but have sensed that you're the sort of person they can pr!ck tease, string along on vague promises and generally not treat with respect. For your own sake you need to spend some time being single and to gain some perspective.

You need to set standards for yourself. In other words, do not entertain women who are messing you around. You've put up with this for over a year -why? ? Because you finally found a woman willing to put out for you?

There are good parts too! Many of them! Many nice memories! I know she is a good person, nobody can convince me otherwise... She took care of my when i had an injury, she came to my place and bring me something to eat and some medication, she even game me BJ that day. I never asked for it. When i was working and had some difficulties she left a candy and a note on my car she wish me a good day and everything is going to be fine! You know little stuff like this keeps me thinking she loves me... but on the other side Im torn...

blatantrereg

Don't know what to think without more info. You need to insist she explains this I think; it's clearly an issue, and it's reasonable that you have issue with it.

Try to avoid creating too much sense of pressure. Focus very much on finding out why, and try to understate the sense that she should be more interested. The more reluctanct she is to engage openly about the topic the more pressure is likely to result - but I think it is more important to try to get a straight answer than to avoid creating pressure in this instance, given the effect it is having throughout the relationship.

ippn1

Some more info...

1/2 year into relationship she bought a new bed so i could sleep over. I dindt feel comfortable since her mother is sleeping in the next room plus i wasnt feeling comfortable sleeping over between workdays - family members at the table/waiting when its gonna be my turno to go to the toilet and stuff like this. I told her that. After our last argument I suggested a plan that i only sleep over on fridays or saturdays. She agreed, but i only slept there once - very first time after this converstation. Now four months are gone and she has NEVER invited me to sleep there again.

I have invited myself 3 or 4 more times on weekends and she always has a reason why i cant come - she is sick, she is on a period, her sister and her bf came to visit her and they sleep in her bed. She puts them in her own bed before US! i dont know what to think of it... my friend said he would be raging in my spot... I m ready to change my thinking and start sleeping over during a week but i have a bad filling inviting myself again since she never said it on her own...

blatantrereg

Her mother being in the next room could be a lot to do with it.
Do you have much privacy in your own place? Do you live with your family?
A lot of people would have major inhibitions if their parents or their partner's parent are within earshot. Might be a straightforward explanation.

strobe

strobe wrote: »

Break up.

dudara wrote: »

@strobe - Please take the time to read the recent forum announcement. Single one-liner responses are not welcome here anymore. Please try to provide better advice in future.

dudara

Will do.

To elaborate IPPN. I think you should just break up with her at this point. You've spoken to her three times about your needs not being met, and she has made no more effort. If you speak to her another 30 times, I think she will make no more effort. So I think you will either need to break up with her at some point, I'd do so sooner rather than later, or accept that you will spend the rest of your life in a relationship where your needs will never be met. Because, why would she? She basically get's to suit herself in the 'relationship'. I agree with Merkin, sounds like she likes the idea of having a boyfriend (not particularly you, just a boyfriend) so she can tell people she does, and feel good about herself that she does, and click her fingers and have you come running if she needs one to accompany her somewhere, but she doesn't want to make any effort in return for that. Things will only get worse, not better, and then she'll meet someone she's crazy about and break up with you in an instant to be with them.

It's interesting you point out these three things as if they're exceptional...

She took care of my when i had an injury, she came to my place and bring me something to eat and some medication, she even game me BJ that day. I never asked for it. When i was working and had some difficulties she left a candy and a note on my car she wish me a good day and everything is going to be fine!

... they shouldn't be exceptional. They are nice things. But they are regular, everyday, girlfriend things. If I was to start listing out the things like that my girlfriend did for me in our first year together I would not be able to even think of half of them and I would get nothing else done with my day as the one's I could remember would just be too many to list. I could say the same of my previous girlfriend before my current one too.

There are millions of girls in the world that would take care of you and bring you food when you are injured, give you blowjobs, leave you a nice note when you are down, and also want to sleep with you every chance they get, make sure and take massive pleasure in making sure, that you're needs are met, both sexual and emotional. And wouldn't in a million years dream of heading off to go drinking with a friend of theirs on your anniversary rather than go home with you. That's not an exaggeration, literally millions.

There's 3.5 billion women in the world, that's 9 zeros, if you lined them up single file, it would take you ~117 years to walk to the end of the line of them. You can't walk down the street in this world without tripping over beautiful, intelligent, caring, considerate, girlfriend material women. There is no reason at all, that you should ever stay in a relationship with one of them that doesn't ride you into exhaustion on a regular basis and make you wake up every morning smiling to yourself about how well they treat you and what a good girlfriend they are.

tinkerbell

Good god OP. What will it take for you to realise that quite frankly this girl is NOT interested in you? She sounds like she's too cowardly to break up with you. She always has an excuse so that you don't come over. It's not the sex that is the issue here - it's that your "girlfriend" just ain't interested in you. Some couples can live hours apart and still make the effort. She lives 15 mins from you and just couldn't be bothered. Sorry if this is harsh but it's the reality and sooner you realise it then you can move on with your life.

beks101

I think reading this through the prism of someone who has low self-esteem and little-to-no self-worth will give a better understanding of the situation the OP is in.

I know what it’s like to cling onto shoddy treatment and less than respectful behaviour from someone in the hope against hope that they’ll wake up and see the light and change their tune towards you. You do it because you’re blinded by lust/infatuation/that initial rush of adrenaline when you click with someone and by the time you start to decipher the behaviour, you’re already sucked in and have already put all your eggs in one basket as it were.

And then you fall down a rabbit hole of knowing that all of these things don’t add up, don’t feel right, will never change…but also thinking ‘well any good relationship is hard work’ and ‘this is just how it goes’ and ‘this is just her personality’…’I know she cares because of the time she did X or said Y’.

Trust your gut. It has taken you here, to an anonymous message board seeking advice from a bunch of strangers, TWICE, in the relatively short time you’ve been together. You felt instinctively that something was wrong THREE MONTHS IN. Probably earlier than that really, if you look back on the pattern of things. And yet you’re still here, clinging onto scraps of affection from her and letting her dismiss your needs and dictate exactly how things will be between you both. Why? Why do you deserve no better than this? Why do your needs not matter? Why are you attracted to this kind of woman, this kind of behaviour that subtly tells you I DON’T VALUE YOU. I DON’T CARE ABOUT YOU.

If you had your head on straight with this, you would call it a day and spend some time on yourself, building up your confidence and being more cautious and selective about who you welcome into your life. Someone being attractive or introducing you to their family or throwing the odd compliment or gesture of goodwill your way does NOT cut it. Someone respecting your time and delighting in your company and being 100 percent present and collaborative in making your relationship work, is what you need to see.

Don’t try to reason with her again. She’s not interested in having sex with you and she’s not interested in having a conversation about it. That’s all you need to know. Walk. Away.