Is he not interested?

LegacyUser

Hi,
I met a guy on OKCupid 2 weeks ago and began messaging him. We got on really well, lots of mutual interests and I mentioned I love Thai and wanted to try a local restaurant I'd heard of, he asked me if I wanted to go for dinner there with him on Saturday night. He then asked me to add him on Whatsapp.

On the day, he was chatting to me that morning but did not mention the date later. That evening, he cancelled at 1.5 hours notice. Said he was sick etc, didnt offer to reschedule or say he'd been looking forward to it. I just figured he'd blown me off and stopped replying. He tried to call me, I didn't answer. Eventually he apologised. I just replied with one line "its fine we can go next week" and left it at that.

The next day he keeps messaging just making small talk, but no mention of a reschedule.
A couple of days later he asked me if I wanted to go out Saturday, I said ok. We chatted the whole evening.

Saturday (yesterday) comes, he messaged in the morning, no mention of the date, as with last time. He then finally messaged again about 4pm asking if I wanted to have "a pint or coffee". I felt the date had been downgraded and asked weren't we meant to go to the Thai place for dinner? He said he would book a table but couldnt get through on the phone so would go in person, its 5 mins away by walk. 1 hour later still no word, when i asked if he had booked it he said he had been doing "emergency shopping" for his dad. I said you didnt stop by the place? he said no.
At this point I got fed up and told him to just leave it, that he clearly wasnt interested. He did not deny not being interested and said "look we can go without a booking, i tried calling 15 times and tried booking online but they didnt call me back" i said "you are just playing games". he said "do you really think that, im sorry if you feel like that" i did not reply and he has not been online on Whatsapp since, usually he is on it every couple of hours.

Was I overly harsh or is he not interested?

missjm

Sounds like he's completely flaky and whether he's playing games or not, he's proved he's not reliable - twice now. Cut your losses before you invest anymore, he's not worth the investment.

mada82

He's probably not interested or not interested enough yet to go on a dinner date.

I know I'd prefer meeting in a pub rather than a restaurant for a first date.

But he could have said it up front instead of cancelling twice.

Stavro Mueller

I wonder is he married/has a girlfriend? It'd be one explanation for the cancellations.

maria34

I got an head ache only by reading it! Ditch the idea of meeting him you are waisting your time. He is not reliable..

Ann84

Why didn't you just offer to book it When he said he couldn't get a chance?
Maybe nerves are getting the better of him?

CaraMay

Ah he is a messer. Next!!!!!

retro:electro

maybe he hasn't the money to take you out for dinner, you seem pretty pushy that he take you there. It's a bad time of year for getting the funds together to go out for dinner, never mind with someone you've never even met.

Tigger99

Some people go online dating without ever intending to meet up with people as an ego thing or they can chicken out. Maybe he's neither but with this much drama before even a first date? Run away fast.

To be honest just for when you are arranging to meet someone again, a restaurant isn't always the best option for a first date. It's much longer than a casual drink or coffee, and will be pricey for whoever pays for it. Just my opinion but I'd find it a bit intense. Dating is supposed to be fun and casual, especially at the start.

Mr. Incognito

I am sorry but i met my oh on online dating and a dinner for a first date is too much. It stinks of princess syndrome.

Grab a coffee or a beer first, make sure they are real / not mental / that there is an attraction.

Expecting a guy to drop 100 quid on a meal after a few days chatting is just ridiculous, it takes meeting a few duds to meet someone you connect with.

Stop being so demanding

Is your objective meeting him or scoring a free meal in the thai you have heard so much about. Seriously

rcarroll

I don't know if ur new to online dating but it seems so. Standard protocol for me is first date a quick coffee either of us can then walk away if not interestes after a short time with no harm done. Most dates are not worth the time and money of a meal till you get to know them so yes, it was a downgrade but a reasonable and practical choice.

Cancelling last minute however especially twice is not acceptable- there's plenty more guys to choose from

hfallada

He seems interested in meeting up. But maybe just not in a restaurant. Like I have noticed guys tend to prefer simple dates eg coffee. Where as girls expect the whole Hollywood film style of movies or dinner. A restaurant isn't as comfortable for a first date as it can be an awkward setting and a lot of pressure on both people

Go for coffee and if he bails on you. Forget about him

LLMMML

Are you sure his pics are real? Sounds like you were never going to actually meet.

IlmoNT4

Maybe he doesnt have the cash to take you out for dinner...everyone is pretty broke this time of year.

Dinner on a first date is too much, go for a coffee, a walk around town or an early drink and see if you like each other. I think most guys, taking a lady out for a date can be intimidating and if he didnt have the cash to take you to that Thai place, maybe he didnt want to tell a total strange that he didnt have the cash.

I think you are over reacting, and I dont know why it was all up to him to book the table etc or why you couldnt mention your plans/ confirm your plans with him the day before.? This is a two way thing OP....You come across as being really hard work, you've never even met this guy and your already giving him a hard time. If you wanted to go to the Thai place that badly, pick up the phone yourself and go with some friends.

Xmas is a busy time of year, restaurants are packed, elderly parents do need extra help...not everyone has their schedule planned out ..just saying..

shalalala

Op, he suggested the dinner so don't feel guilty. He asked you out so he should organise it. Simple as.

He bailed twice, granted, I would never make myself so available at the weekend but that is a personal thing. I would leave it. I have been through similar myself and it really isn't worth not knowing if he is going to be flaky again. Move along and maybe try for a more casual date the next time

Op is not the one who suggested dinner so calling her a princess is unfair.
And to go from that to maybe a pint is downgrading - he should have just suggested coffee in the first place imo.
He sounds flaky and I would just move on i think

LegacyUser

bluewolf wrote: »

Op is not the one who suggested dinner so calling her a princess is unfair.
And to go from that to maybe a pint is downgrading - he should have just suggested coffee in the first place imo.
He sounds flaky and I would just move on i think

OP here
Yep it was him that suggested dinner not me. I would also like to point out that I always offer to go halves on dates and will insist unless the guy REALLY wants to pay. I make my own money and pay my own way.

Chemical Byrne

I'd advise you to call it a day OP. He's flaking you off in a big way and whether that is due to him being NTIY or just being overly forgetful and thoughtless it deosn't really matter. Either way he is showing that he is not really reliable. I'd say you are well rid.

Try not to worry or torture yourself thinking about the whole thing. There are plenty of guys out there who would make a much better effort.

njs030

Have you met this man op or is this a first meeting? Tbh you seem way over invested in him that your thinking so much about it.
I agree with the majority, first meetings are generally coffee not dinner because it's easier to end it quickly if it's not going well. Just go with some friends and relax until you get to know someone a bit more.

Mr. Incognito

bluewolf wrote: »

Op is not the one who suggested dinner so calling her a princess is unfair.
And to go from that to maybe a pint is downgrading - he should have just suggested coffee in the first place imo.
He sounds flaky and I would just move on i think

I mentioned I love Thai and wanted to try a local restaurant I'd heard of, he asked me if I wanted to go for dinner there with him on Saturday night. He then asked me to add him on Whatsapp

She suggested it. He subsequently went with it. This is before they were even whatsapping. So it was definitely brought up by her very very early.

I think the OP is being disingenuous here.

Maybe he thought that she was more interested in the meal than him

That's the way I would read it if I was him.

shalalala

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

She suggested it. He subsequently went with it. This is before they were even whatsapping. So it was definitely brought up by her very very early.

I think the OP is being disingenuous here.

Maybe he thought that she was more interested in the meal than him

That's the way I would read it if I was him.

This is clutching at straws. I would mention food I like and a local that I wanted to try. Doesn't mean I want to try it with that person. This is just how conversations go!

harney

Move along OP, he seems a bit too flakey.

I read once you are better off going for lunch on a first date as it is easier to make excuses to beat a hasty retreat earlier in the day.

If you are still adamant to meet the guy, why not suggest getting lunch at this place (and it will be cheaper, if that is his issue)?

Saralee4

op you did nothing wrong here. The only thing you could do wrong is keep anything going with the guy.

I was in a similar position once not online but the guy was asking me out, then flaking. I hung on for way too long, we were in the 'relationship' for about 4 months well I was anyway. The same thing kept happening. We would meet up, have a great time, then the next date he would have an excuse sometimes texting me just before I was about to get in the cab which was embarrassing in front of my family and friends.

He was telling me that he loved me (which I never believed) and then told a mutual friend that he wasn't looking for anything serious which was the last straw. I went total no contact and low and behold about 5 years later got a text saying 'remember me' huh wtf!

Some people are confused with what they want or they just live in the moment, make plans but have no intent of going ahead with the plans unless it suits them on the actual day.

I think if he's like this now, he's only going to get worse. He is confusing you already and you haven't even been on date yet! Stay away before you get too involved emotionally.

LegacyUser

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

She suggested it. He subsequently went with it. This is before they were even whatsapping. So it was definitely brought up by her very very early.

I think the OP is being disingenuous here.

I also told him that I want to visit Germany next year and would love to get a dog, does that mean I'm expecting him to shell out for a holiday and a puppy? You're aware that women are allowed to work and pay for their own things these days?

Oink

Op, move on. I seem to remember from back in the day that you're supposed to be a little more excited than that for a first date. He doesnt sound very accommodating for someone who's got a date with her girl he likes.

Katgurl

JillyThe630 wrote: »

I also told him that I want to visit Germany next year and would love to get a dog, does that mean I'm expecting him to shell out for a holiday and a puppy? You're aware that women are allowed to work and pay for their own things these days?

I'm so glad you didn't let that slide.

Honestly I can't believe some of the replies here. The op is trying to scam a free dinner at the local Thai? For gods sake, who would go to that much effort for a free meal.

OP if it were me I would leave it. I don't know it it's all down to a lack of interest or being flakey but the fact of the matter is he has messed you around. It's not good enough and if it's all this much hassle for the first date it'll be nothing but trouble down the line.

You deserve better.

LegacyUser

OP here
For some reason I feel guilty over telling him he was wasting my time.
What if he really was sick the first time... when I saw he'd cancelled I went quiet for an hour or two as I was upset and don't like to talk when I am upset... maybe that's why he didn't immediately try to rearrange but he still didnt mention he had been looking forward to it or anything.

It's hard because I have had boundary issues in the past, used let guys walk all over me cos I rarely like someone so it's a big deal for me when I do.

Maybe it's just the time of year making me soft, I dunno.

Saralee4

JillyThe630 wrote: »

OP here
For some reason I feel guilty over telling him he was wasting my time.
What if he really was sick the first time... when I saw he'd cancelled I went quiet for an hour or two as I was upset and don't like to talk when I am upset... maybe that's why he didn't immediately try to rearrange but he still didnt mention he had been looking forward to it or anything.

It's hard because I have had boundary issues in the past, used let guys walk all over me cos I rarely like someone so it's a big deal for me when I do.

Maybe it's just the time of year making me soft, I dunno.

It's easy for people to give advice and say "just forget about it" , "it's obviousl he is messing you around".

We only hear the facts and base what we would do on that. You only started talking to the guy two weeks ago but sometimes in those two weeks the excitement or how the other person has made you feel is so good that you have a sort of heightened view of them. I think everyone does it. The hope and excitement of a new romance can be confusing and euphoric. You know only a certain amount about the person so you fill on the blanks with your ideal. Then when the person let's you down, your so shocked and you can't understand because it's not something you would do. So you start to make excuses for it and question yourself even though you know he hasn't been very nice. I've done this myself and sometimes there is no advice that I would take.

You have two choices, you can either knock it on the head now because he is not giving you what you are looking for or continue on. If you do decide to continue you should be wary and make him prove himself which I can't see happening if he's not even willing to put the effort in now.

Mr. Incognito

JillyThe630 wrote: »

I also told him that I want to visit Germany next year and would love to get a dog, does that mean I'm expecting him to shell out for a holiday and a puppy? You're aware that women are allowed to work and pay for their own things these days?

Sorry was away for Christmas. I am aware that women are allowed to work and pay for their own things. What has that got to do with this? Should i buy a beyonce album as a show of sisterly solidarity? Talk about off topic.

The facts are after minimum messaging she suggested she liked a place. He offered to take her and bailed.

Then she volunteered we can go next week. He didnt offer that.

The following week he suggested coffee and she say this as downgrading.

Bottom line he didnt want to take her to a restaurant day one. People saying he got a date with the girl he wanted? Seriously?

He got a date with a pixel on the net he barely knew. Sometimes they turn out to be lovely people. Sometimes they dont.

Foisting a three hour meal on someone that doesnt want it and then blaming them for it is ridiculous regardless of who is paying or contributing.

He doesnt want to take her for dinner. That doesnt mean he is not interested. It just means he is prudent.

LegacyUser

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

Sorry was away for Christmas. I am aware that women are allowed to work and pay for their own things. What has that got to do with this? Should i buy a beyonce album as a show of sisterly solidarity? Talk about off topic.

You accused me of only mentioning the restaurant because I wanted him to bring me there, that's why. Are you unable to read back on your previous posts?

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

Foisting a three hour meal on someone that doesnt want it and then blaming them for it is ridiculous regardless of who is paying or contributing.

Again, please learn to read. It was him who suggested dinner. Suggesting a meal to a girl who you have no intention of actually going to meet is dishonest, no? I suppose in your mind it is always the woman's fault anyway.

dudara

OK - JillyThe630 & Mr Incognito - let's be polite to each other. Constructive advice only please posters.

dudara

Mr. Incognito

Okay, constructive advice. Ask him for a coffee.

CountyHurler

JillyThe630 wrote: »

Excuse 1: had been doing "emergency shopping" for his dad.
Excuse 2: "look we can go without a booking, i tried calling 15 times and tried booking online but they didnt call me back"

This scarily reminds me of a friend of mine... He blames everything on some random issue that you have no means of validating... My own pals preference used to be his phone.... It was always "my battery died, my phone is broke, I've no credit, I've no signal"... And believe me if it was some hot chick he was chasing you could guarantee there would have been nothing wrong with the phone service at all..

So this guy tried calling the restaurant 15 times, but didnt think to call you ONCE to tell you that there was a problem booking the meal...? It was his responsibility to let you know, IF that had been the case... But, let's be honest, he's full of crap...

jenna1057

He sounds completely full of sh*t after reading your message! Move on, there's plenty more people worth your time out there! I would however recommend that a coffee date would be better for a first date as there is less pressure than a dinner date!

Candy_Girl

Ask yourself why on earth are you giving him the time of day? plenty of nice guys out there...forget him he's sounds like a head melter.

leahyl

Move on OP, he's messing you around even before anything has got off the ground.

LegacyUser

Hi guys,
Thanks all for your advice, I thought I would give an update cos so many of these threads just kind of fade out

I bumped into this guy out on Stephens night (we live in the same part of town) he was apologetic about the whole thing and his friend said "oh you're Jilly, he was actually sick that night".
We were both drunk but he seemed really nice in person and he asked if I wanted to do something one of the nights...... 2 night ago we went for drinks.

It wasn't much fun.
He spent basically the whole time talking about himself. Didn't ask about me.
He brought up the topic of exes and complained at length about his.
He complained about his former coworkers and arguments he had with them.
He wanted to go outside to smoke 3 times and was in no rush to finish despite me shivering with the cold... I ended up going back indoors by myself.
Everything was a trigger for a rant.... he held a door open for me and then started complaining about guys who over-do chivalry.
In the end I said it was time for me to get going home, he walked me home but I just gave him a kiss on the cheek and legged it inside! He was texting me again 10 minutes later.... I didn't respond.

Thanks to everyone for your advice, it was really helpful