How Can I Get Her To Fit In

beks101

OP, it's time to sh1t or get off the pot.

You've rattled on for seven pages of this thread about how much of a hurricane of destruction this woman is in your life; you've spent years listening to your close family and friends - the people who actually love and worry about your welfare - say the same; you've sought the advice of a men's shelter who told you the same; a professional therapist told you the same; you've been persistently abused in more ways than there are letters in the alphabet - mentally, physically, emotionally, psychologically, financially, spiritually... and you've still just hmmed and hawed over breaking up with this person who inflicts layer upon layer of rapidly accumulating misery on you, only to back out when she pulls another manipulative turn out of her bag of tricks.

Where does it end? Is this going to just be another 'thing' to add onto the list of vain attempts you've made to claim back your life and your happiness and your FREEDOM from all of this bullsh1t? That time you sought the anonymous advice of a bunch of randomers on an internet board, only to ignore it all and continue in your doomed relationship, which has never brought you a minute's peace, simply because, well, she might threaten to kill herself again?

What has to happen OP? She's already hit you. She's already been violent and aggressive. She's already lied to you. You're already expressing doubt and distrust in anything she says because she'll do anything to not let you get away. Is that a healthy relationship to you? It sounds more like a hostage situation to me.

What has to happen OP? How much more are you willing to take? Who are you? Are you the guy who stays by the side of somebody who thinks nothing of destroying you in every way that you can destroy a person, despite all the goodness in your life - your family, your friends, your gut instinct - telling you to get the fcuk out of dodge?

Or are you the guy who decides that he won't take another year of abuse and torment, that he's too bloody good for it, and decides to be proactive about finding a better, happier life for himself? Are you willing to listen to the voices that count?

We are days away from 2015. 'A new year, a new you'. To extract yourself from the life of somebody utterly toxic and destructive, and to whom you have shaped so much of who you are for so long, is probably the most difficult challenge any one of us can face. It's scary, no doubt about it. It presents a lot of uncertainty and will provoke a lot of fear.

But it's either that, or let this woman kill you. If not physically - then mentally, emotionally and in every other way that a person can die. It's either walk away without looking back and start to LIVE again. Or stick it out and continue to exist, to suffer through this hell.

What are you worth?

It's time to stop ruminating about this and make some serious decisions OP.

gozunda

OP

Go and do not look back and best of luck for the future - it will be a lot better for you.

Stavro Mueller

Just to add. I had a friend who grew up in a house where her mother was an utter headwreck. Like you, she read up on that Narcissistic personality disorder and thinks that's what her mother has. Not that your reading or this woman's reading equates to a medical diagnosis. It's just a thought to throw into this. Anyway, my point is that having a mother like this caused an awful lot of psychological damage to her children. It's a given that she treated her husband like sh!t but she was little better to the children they had. She terrorised them and they grew up to be damaged adults who've had a lot of issues. The parents split up when the kids grew up but they wish they'd split years before that because it was an awful house to have grown up in. I don't know what the story is now but at one stage none of the kids were on speaking terms with their mother because she said some awful things to them.

After all the warnings you've had - and your last post was a real eye opener - bringing a child into the world with this woman would be a remarkably cruel thing to do. Do you seriously think that she'll have a personality transplant and miraculously become a loving mother? Children aren't stupid. Your child will see his mother treating you like an emotional punchbag. It'll be terrorised by its mother. It'll grow up damaged, struggle to meet someone who'll treat them well etc. etc. The biggest gift you can give any potential children you may have is to not have them with this trainwreck of a human being.

stop animal cruelty

OP listen to Beks101! Hit the nail on the head....please leave this woman, for your own sake. Theres no way you could bring kids into this kind of relationship. This woman is self centered and sounds very immature.....chances of her changing?? Big fat 0. Its like she has you wrapped around her finger and she knows it.

You sound miserable with her...you sound like a good fella, you deserve so much better. You need to leave and start living your life.

Good luck.

Stavro Mueller

Beks used a great word in her post - ruminating. From what I can see, there has been an awful lot of that and precious little action. How much more information do you need to gather before you actually do something? The longer you continue to be passive, the deeper into the doo-doo you're going to sink. Breaking up with someone is never easy, regardless of how long you've been with them. Nobody else is going to do the dirty work for you so you're just going to have to find the courage to do it. Maybe you could chat to someone in your family and ask for help? Once someone else is in on the plan, it'll be harder for you to back out.

ahnow

OP, I just wanted to say that at exactly this time last year I left an abusive situation, and although it was tough at first-the toughest time of my life-It's only a year later and I'm a completely different person.
You will be too, and you will marvel at how wonderful life is, and you will realise what a lovely person you are without this person dragging you down.
You have so much support surrounding you, all your family and all your friends. Make a plan, step by step and do this for yourself.
What she does is not your problem and you will see that in time, you cannot take responsibility for her actions.
Best of luck to you for 2015. You can do this!

FurBabyMomma

My god OP reading this thread makes me so incredibly sad. I hope you listen to the advice on here, as until now you seem to have been conditioned to accept abuse as the norm in a relationship when it most certainly is not.

I've recently had a baby and it is incredibly hard. However when I look at my baby I can tell her that she was brought into this world by two people who loved each other for a long time and now love her just as much. Though the sleep deprivation and stress sometimes makes us a bit grouchy, I know that myself and her dad are a team and support each other. I know my girl will grow up in a happy home and I want our relationship to be the model of what she will one day seek out herself - someone who will love and respect her and encourage her to grow and be the best she can be.

Now imagine you have a little girl or boy on your knee. Will you be telling them that both parents brought them into the world because of love or because of guilt? Will your child be looking at your relationship and hoping one day they meet a person who will treat them the same way? Or do you imagine yourself constantly apologising to this child for bringing them into a toxic relationship, for fighting in front of them, or for having them being used as a pawn in yet another mind game?

Don't feel guilty for your girlfriend. Feel guilty for any child you would inflict this situation on. But I suspect you won't have to feel guilty, as you seem to be coming close to realising that you can walk away and find the happiness and family you want without the physical and emotional abuse that's part of this one. Please know that you deserve more.

MissFlitworth

There's a little bit of vanity in 'She'll be devastated without me' that I think a lot of people who've had to end long term relationships can understand. My ex didn't break up with me for a year and a half because he thought I'd be devastated when my life 'was turned upside down by him'. I didn't break up with him for a couple of years because I thought he couldn't cope without me. A few months into our break up - we're fine. We'd be better if we'd acted on our urges to get out of the relationship back when they first became big giant 'THINGS ARE NOT GOOD HERE' warning signs.

We're not always as entirely necessary to the survival of people we are in relationships with as our vanity might like us to believe. You can break up with her and she will be ok. All will temporarily be awful, for both of you, but that's just a break up.

Littlekittylou

This thread has gotten progressively worse as you reveal things that were not stated at first.

OP there is obviously something amiss here. You are not responding to the behavior you describe in a reasonable way which tells me you are deep in shock and survival mode here.

You need to talk to a counselor who has the ability to open your eyes and build you up so that you can untangle your life from her and leave. And more importantly this person can train you to recognize the signs of these types of people in future so that you can avoid them in your future life. They can give you a future check list to look for in suitable healthy partners.

Don't you desire a HEALTHY relationship? I promise you can have one. Deep deep down we all desire a healthy relationship and seek like minded partners. This woman does not want a healthy relationship she wants one in which everything is twisted to her advantage and in appeasing her sick illness.

She beats you and shows no respect for your money. She calls you names to her family. She stirs up trouble. She doesn't love you it's possible she does not even experience love.

You need to accept that there are just crazy bad men and women out there who only want others as tools or puppets to serve their will. They see themselves as the puppet masters. Or as a trainer training an animal.

The lights are on but no one is home. This woman has no heart in the way you and normal people understand that concept. She has only her immediate needs. They need sex or money or food or whatever. They usually have multiple sexual partners by the way too. It's very rare for them to be monogamous. I know this is not necessarily true for your situation. But what I am saying to you is you are being abused into the type of 'thing' she needs you to be. Only she does not need you. Not really. She needs your money she needs your house. Etc.

If she needed YOU the person she would also need you happy and healthy. But she doesn't need you healthy she needs your things.

You are a thing to her.

But none of what we say matters to you. Because what she says and does to you matters to you right now. Because she is much more immediate in your life. You need to talk to a professional and recover.

It sounds to me like you have been through the wars as far a relationships are concerned. And I think you need to heal and talk to someone. Build yourself up. Seek kind hearted loving healthy relationships. And remember being single is one hundred times better than being with her.

Talk to someone in this field please.

LEAVE HER!