Anyone here not bothered about sex or boyfriends?

StormWarrior

I haven't had sex or a boyfriend in 9 years. An old man I know accused me of being a lesbian because of this. I'm not gay at all. I do fancy blokes but I just don't want to do anything about it. I never got anything out of sex anyway. Anyone else feel the same?

McChubbin

I'd be inclined to agree. Closing in on almost 6 years since my last relationship and like yourself, I never got anything out of sex anyways.
That said, I'm bi with a strong tendency towards liking women so the lesbian jibes do tend to hit close to home from time to time.
My family are gently but very obviously pushing me to widen my social circle these days but I'm honestly not bothered if I find someone.
For starters, I'm extremely picky and have very high standards.

Addle

StormWarrior wrote: »

I haven't had sex or a boyfriend in 9 years. An old man I know accused me of being a lesbian because of this. I'm not gay at all. I do fancy blokes but I just don't want to do anything about it. I never got anything out of sex anyway. Anyone else feel the same?

How does an old man know you're not having sex?!

I haven't had sex in a long time, but I miss it more and more every day!

Pat Mustard

Addle wrote: »

How does an old man know you're not having sex?!

He probably has decades of personal experience.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

Not something I can relate to myself but I wouldn't say it's massively unusual. I know a couple of people who sound like yourselves, they don't seem to have much interest in sex and haven't been in relationships as long as I've known them and seem happy out. They're also both people who tend to put huge amounts of energy and time into, and get a lot out of, their friendships and family relationships compared to people who'd be more interested in romantic relationships. It's not a conversation I've had with either of them though (even though one is a pretty close friend) because frankly it's not my business. Sexuality is a spectrum and that spectrum includes people who just are not at all or not very sexual, and so much of social interaction is geared towards sex and based on the assumption that the most important relationship (emotionally and just practically) in one's life is going to be a romantic/sexual one that less sexual and asexual people are pretty much invisible as a group and viewed as deficient or repressed or at least a bit "odd" as individuals.

strobe

Alana Tinkling Giant wrote: »

Not something I can relate to myself but I wouldn't say it's massively unusual. I know a couple of people who sound like yourselves, they don't seem to have much interest in sex and haven't been in relationships as long as I've known them and seem happy out. They're also both people who tend to put huge amounts of energy and time into, and get a lot out of, their friendships and family relationships compared to people who'd be more interested in romantic relationships. It's not a conversation I've had with either of them though (even though one is a pretty close friend) because frankly it's not my business. Sexuality is a spectrum and that spectrum includes people who just are not at all or not very sexual, and so much of social interaction is geared towards sex and based on the assumption that the most important relationship (emotionally and just practically) in one's life is going to be a romantic/sexual one that less sexual and asexual people are pretty much invisible as a group and viewed as deficient or repressed or at least a bit "odd" as individuals.

While I broadly agree with that, I do also think it can be an unfortunate attitude for people to have. The reality is a sex life can be a hugely rewarding thing to have in your life and having no sexual desire is abnormal and there are a variety of things that can result in it. I'm sure some people can be perfectly content going through life without a sexual element to it, but that doesn't mean it couldn't be a wonderful addition to their life. And I'm sure some people are just plain old non-sexual beings for no real reason (well there's a reason for everything) at all, but I don't think anyone should work off the assumption that that is their default. For starters many people find that a sex drive and sexual desire is a 'use it or lose it' kind of thing to some degree, go without sex all the time and your body will compensate by dissipating the desire altogether, but that doesn't mean the desire isn't there lying dormant, or that they wouldn't find a huge amount of satisfaction if they worked to rekindle it. It's also true that just because someone 'never really got anything from sex', well that doesn't mean they never will (I've known a few people that's proven true for personally). There's also physical causes, hormonal issues, mental issues, psychological issues that can all zap a sex drive/sexual desire or interfere with enjoyment of sex.

I dunno, seems a shame for someone to just shrug their shoulders and say "meh, just the way I am", when it may very well not be, about something which can be such an enjoyable and rewarding facet of the human experience.

Das Kitty

I think it's very easy to filter things through our own experiences. To apply how we feel about things and look at others and think they're missing out.

The reality is that some people are asexual. Some people are aromantic. Some people are both. Whether it be for part or all of their lives.

For the sexual romantics among us, this can be difficult to fathom, as we spend so much of our lives in pursuit of love and sex. The idea that someone else has no interest in that, well, it seems sort of weird. But it's not weird. It's just another way to be. Asexual/aromantic people have perfectly full lives. They're not missing out by not doing something they have no interest in doing.

SMJSF

no boyfriend or sex in 3 years.... have given up looking now! not that bothered anymore.... I'm not going to die because of it!!

StormWarrior

Addle wrote: »

How does an old man know you're not having sex?!

Hahaha he's a family friend who spends a lot of time with us, so knew my last boyfriend. He hasn't seen me with a boyfriend in years so that's why he said it. He is a dreadful old man though, he's very rude to everyone, especially overweight women.

StormWarrior

strobe wrote: »

I dunno, seems a shame for someone to just shrug their shoulders and say "meh, just the way I am", when it may very well not be, about something which can be such an enjoyable and rewarding facet of the human experience.

I think there must have been a huge amount of people throughout history who didn't want romantic or sexual relationships. Throughout history there seems to have been a choice - either get married or become a monk/nun. I bet a lot of people joined monasteries just to avoid getting married. To me sex is just one of a range of hobbies that some people might be into - like some people are into skydiving or horseriding or motorbikes, and other people have absolutely zero interest in those things.

Actually the only reason I even got a boyfriend and had sex in the first place is because I was 20, and all of my friends had already lost their virginities, and I thought there must be something dreadfully wrong with me. I didn't enjoy it at all though and the only way I could put up with it was by taking a large amount of magic mushrooms beforehand. Luckily mushrooms were legal then so they were easy to obtain.

strobe

StormWarrior wrote: »

I think there must have been a huge amount of people throughout history who didn't want romantic or sexual relationships. Throughout history there seems to have been a choice - either get married or become a monk/nun. I bet a lot of people joined monasteries just to avoid getting married. To me sex is just one of a range of hobbies that some people might be into - like some people are into skydiving or horseriding or motorbikes, and other people have absolutely zero interest in those things.

Actually the only reason I even got a boyfriend and had sex in the first place is because I was 20, and all of my friends had already lost their virginities, and I thought there must be something dreadfully wrong with me. I didn't enjoy it at all though and the only way I could put up with it was by taking a large amount of magic mushrooms beforehand. Luckily mushrooms were legal then so they were easy to obtain.

Well like I said in my post. I'm sure some (I very much doubt a huge amount, cause of dna being a thing) people just are like that. I just don't think people should go with the attitude of presuming they are without ruling out other, probably more likely, things, when there's a lot to gain. But each to their own. Whatever.

kylith

strobe wrote: »

Well like I said in my post. I'm sure some (I very much doubt a huge amount, cause of dna being a thing) people just are like that. I just don't think people should go with the attitude of presuming they are without ruling out other, probably more likely, things, when there's a lot to gain. But each to their own. Whatever.

For someone that's asexual though that's like saying "I don't think people should go with the attitude of presuming they're not gay without giving it a try." Sure, some people might have lost their sex drive but for other people the idea of any sex is as icky as gay sex to a homophobe.

anonyanony

kylith wrote: »

For someone that's asexual though that's like saying "I don't think people should go with the attitude of presuming they're not gay without giving it a try." Sure, some people might have lost their sex drive but for other people the idea of any sex is as icky as gay sex to a homophobe.

People that don't want to have gay sex are not homophobes they are just straight, there are plenty of straight people that have nothing against gay people but just don't want a dick up their ass.

kylith

anonyanony wrote: »

People that don't want to have gay sex are not homophobes they are just straight, there are plenty of straight people that have nothing against gay people but just don't want a dick up their ass.

Do you not think that homophobes would find gay sex icky?

Jesus, if I'd said 'as disgusting as phlegm to a germophobe' would you feel it necessary to point out that non-germophobes also may not want to come in contact with phlegm?

strobe

kylith wrote: »

For someone that's asexual though that's like saying "I don't think people should go with the attitude of presuming they're not gay without giving it a try." Sure, some people might have lost their sex drive but for other people the idea of any sex is as icky as gay sex to a homophobe.

I've acknowledged that asexuality exists. I'm just of the opinion that people write themselves off (for want of a better phrase) as asexual when they are probably not. Like I said, I've known a few people for whom 'sex never did anything for them' until it did,it can be something of an acquired taste for some people, for a variety of reasons. I just don't think a presumption of asexuality should be the default for someone unless they've exhausted all the many other possibilities.

kylith

strobe wrote: »

I've acknowledged that asexuality exists. I'm just of the opinion that people write themselves off (for want of a better phrase) as asexual when they are probably not.

It's possible that some people do write themselves off, but I'd be surprised if they actually labelled themselves asexual rather than just resigning themselves and trying to forget about it. The difference being that asexual people have never had sexual desire whereas, shall we say, non-sexual people have had sexual desires even if they are currently repressing them.

anonyanony

anonyanony wrote: »

People that don't want to have gay sex are not homophobes they are just straight, there are plenty of straight people that have nothing against gay people but just don't want a dick up their ass.

Mod

You have already been infracted for, and had a post removed in this thread. In case I didn't make it clear in my infraction note; you need to get a feel for this forum before you post again. Your inflammatory language is not welcome despite whatever sentiment you thought you were attempting to convey.

Change your posting style or I will remove your access. This is your last warning.

anonyanony

kylith wrote: »

Do you not think that homophobes would find gay sex icky?

Jesus, if I'd said 'as disgusting as phlegm to a germophobe' would you feel it necessary to point out that non-germophobes also may not want to come in contact with phlegm?

I think most of the male worlds population population would find gay sex icky, so don't go calling them homophobes

anonyanony

anonyanony wrote: »

I think most of the male worlds population population would find gay sex icky, so don't go calling them homophobes

She didn't say that people who find gay sex icky are homophobes.

She said that homophobes find gay sex icky.

Two different sentences meaning two different things.

Now drop it, everyone. It's off topic and derailing the thread.

StormWarrior

strobe wrote: »

Well like I said in my post. I'm sure some (I very much doubt a huge amount, cause of dna being a thing) people just are like that. I just don't think people should go with the attitude of presuming they are without ruling out other, probably more likely, things, when there's a lot to gain. But each to their own. Whatever.

From my point of view, this is a weird thing to say. By "ruling out other things," I presume you mean things like getting blood tests to find out if their hormones are a problem, and trying other kinds of sexual things to see if you like something? But we're talking about people who don't care that they aren't into sex and don't feel that they are missing out. So why would they go to any bother to "rectify" the situation? It makes no sense. Suppose you had a friend who just loves birdwatching, and can't understand why you don't want to give it a go. He thinks you should try to find out what's wrong with you so that you can get cured and start to enjoy birdwatching. You wouldn't bother would you, as you are perfectly happy never going birdwatching, no matter how much your friend thinks you have to gain by taking it up.

StormWarrior

kylith wrote: »

It's possible that some people do write themselves off, but I'd be surprised if they actually labelled themselves asexual rather than just resigning themselves and trying to forget about it. The difference being that asexual people have never had sexual desire whereas, shall we say, non-sexual people have had sexual desires even if they are currently repressing them.

I think for a lot of people it's not even a case of resigning yourself and trying to forget about it. If there's a hobby you're not interested in you don't resign yourself and forget about it, you just don't think about it.

kylith

StormWarrior wrote: »

I think for a lot of people it's not even a case of resigning yourself and trying to forget about it. If there's a hobby you're not interested in you don't resign yourself and forget about it, you just don't think about it.

Well that's where the asexual/non-sexual distinction would come in. An asexual person would, as you say, just have no interest in sex at all whereas a non-sexual person would have had sexual interests at some point.

The post of mine that you quoted there really deals more with non-sexual people than with asexuals. Someone who hasn't had any luck finding a sexual partner may resign themselves to a life without sex and may over time lose their sex drive, but that is not the same as being an asexual person who has never had a sex drive in the first place.

anonyanony

kylith wrote: »

Well that's where the asexual/non-sexual distinction would come in. An asexual person would, as you say, just have no interest in sex at all whereas a non-sexual person would have had sexual interests at some point.

The post of mine that you quoted there really deals more with non-sexual people than with asexuals. Someone who hasn't had any luck finding a sexual partner may resign themselves to a life without sex and may over time lose their sex drive, but that is not the same as being an asexual person who has never had a sex drive in the first place.

Lots of asexuals masterbate they have a sex drive just no interest of sex with another individual, many romantic asexuals will have partners also, op doesn't want a partner. I don't know why you brought up asexuals at all.

pwurple

I think that's fairly normal OP. I know loads of people who would have no interest. Plenty of celibates / unmarried aunts and uncles around in all our families. Sexuality is a range, from zero to high. We all fit in on it differently.

I'd compare it more to food. I know loads of plain eaters, who have no interest in food beyond fuel, and on the other end of the scale are the gourmands, who are always looking for new tastes. Nothing "wrong" with either, it's just a different set of likes and interests.


I wonder is it more irritating that everything is so sexualised though, if you have no interest? Sex is used to sell the most random of things, from cars and watches to jewellery and clothes.

StormWarrior

pwurple wrote: »

I wonder is it more irritating that everything is so sexualised though, if you have no interest? Sex is used to sell the most random of things, from cars and watches to jewellery and clothes.

The world is so saturated with sexual advertising that it just doesn't even register, that's just the way it is. The irritating thing is people commenting on or speculating about my lack of a love life and trying to work out the reasons for it, or most irritating at all, female friends trying to set me up with people. That drives me absolutely bonkers although it doesn't happen now as much as it used to, I think people have got the message. On several occasions female friends have even arranged with men for me to have sex with them, and then come and told me, "Oh, so-and-so will do it with you tonight, I've arranged it." It was infuriating and I always turned it down. I don't know why some people are so desperate to see other people hooked up. Or if a bloke told my female friends he fancied me, they'd work on me, nagging and nagging me to go out with him. Once I even went out with a bloke I didn't fancy at all just to shut them up and I hated every second of it and tried to avoid him as much as possible.

strobe

StormWarrior wrote: »

From my point of view, this is a weird thing to say. By "ruling out other things," I presume you mean things like getting blood tests to find out if their hormones are a problem, and trying other kinds of sexual things to see if you like something? But we're talking about people who don't care that they aren't into sex and don't feel that they are missing out. So why would they go to any bother to "rectify" the situation? It makes no sense. Suppose you had a friend who just loves birdwatching, and can't understand why you don't want to give it a go. He thinks you should try to find out what's wrong with you so that you can get cured and start to enjoy birdwatching. You wouldn't bother would you, as you are perfectly happy never going birdwatching, no matter how much your friend thinks you have to gain by taking it up.

If that's a genuine question, then honestly, if birdwatching was a driven largely by normal biological function, was enjoyed a lot by the vast majority of the planet, and potentially offered a lot in the way of life enrichment, like sex and relationships can and do, and people I knew had gone from having no interest in birdwatching to being big fans of the whole craic after addressing underlying issues, I'd probably weigh up all possibilities and look into them before just saying "meh, not bothered", genuinely. Just because I was perfectly happy, wouldn't mean I couldn't be even happier potentially.

Look I ultimately don't care what anyone else does, not my business. I'm not gonna start hounding bachelors on the street into hooking up with someone, or grab passing people by the back of the head and make them kiss, or anything. It's just I have known people to think the same and hold the same feelings and for the feelings to change and I genuinely think they are grateful they didn't just not bother and accept that that's just the way things were.

beks101

I'd be quite a sexual person (and a closet romantic!) but I can kind of relate.

I've had periods in the past where I've just been like, 'fcuk it' and sort of 'switched off' my dating radar, wasn't bothered, didn't want to know.

Sometimes it was borne out of some dating-related angst (breakup, broken heart, mistreatment or some other disappointment or disillusionment) where I've just been emotionally drained and just needed to take myself out of the game for a while.

Other times there might have been some other stress or pressure or all-consuming event (work stress/assignments ramping up being a typical one, a bereavement or some sort of trauma) that would make the pursuit of romance no sort of priority to me and I would completely emotionally disengage.

In both cases the attraction would still be there, I'd still get the 'ooh, cute guy' moments, but just have feck all motivation or desire to do anything about it, from engaging with a guy to flirting, etc.

Funnily enough these are generally the times when the male attention cranks up. Being that non-plussed about a guy seems to attract a certain type of guy in turn, and I guess at the same time you're that bit more relaxed and laidback because you simply do not give a crap about dating.

That said, it would never be a permanent thing, and I think in the long run living without affection, romance, sex and all that comes with it would be a very lonely experience for me.

Censorsh!t

I've been single for 2 years now.

A lot of the time I don't mind, and am very happy, but the odd time I'm lonely. Although, half those times I can't tell if I'm lonely or horny, haha!

dickface

StormWarrior wrote: »

I haven't had sex or a boyfriend in 9 years. An old man I know accused me of being a lesbian because of this. I'm not gay at all. I do fancy blokes but I just don't want to do anything about it. I never got anything out of sex anyway. Anyone else feel the same?

Did you masturbate during those nine years?

JaseBelleVie

I've been single for about a year know. Last break up was very hard on me, so I didn't go looking for a relationship. I'm happy enough with being single at the moment, I have had one or two one-night-stands. I'm just happy enough with how things are at the moment. I do intend to try for another relationship in the near future. I am a pretty relationship-guy and I love having a special someone in my life.

But for now, I'm happy to be single for a bit. It had been a while, so I'm happy to get back into the groove of being single. For the time being anyway.

NZ_2014

JaseHeath wrote: »

I have had one or two one-night-stands.

Was it one, or two? Surely you can remember :pac: