Could you forgive your other half?

fussyonion

Would you forgive your other half if he/she cheated on you?

I've always thought I wouldn't but I was thinking about this the other day, after a close friend of mine confided in me that her husband is cheating on her.

I was thinking I probably would forgive my partner, even though at first I'd be fuming and would probably temporarily move out until I calmed down.

But because I love him and because he's my world, I know I would forgive him.
What would you do?

AnonoBoy

After what it left in the toilet bowl this morning I don't know if I can ever forgive my bottom half.

Generic Dreadhead

Cheating regularly and cheating as a once off are 2 different things IMHO
My answer is Yes, I think I would, but I know deep down I'd always carry it with me, so No in that sense, that's about as clear as mud

650gs

Forgive yes anyone can make a mistake ONCE but I think the trust would never come back

Macavity.

No, I wouldn't. That'd be it.

Wise Old Elf

I like to think I'd try for a one off, but it'd be much harder for an ongoing affair.
Even if I did forgive, I think I'd find it very hard to let it go completely; I'd probably bring it up in every argument and just prolong the agony and it would probably be a slow end to the relationship. Hopefully not something i will have to deal with.

OldNotWIse

I think I would want to, but whether or not I could... Forgiving and forgetting are two different things, and it would be hard to build up trust again.

Gongoozler

Most likely not. I can't imagine how he or I could ever justify the cheating. I'm not saying I wouldn't consider it but I can't see any situation where I would consider it justifiable.

obriendj

fussyonion wrote: »

Would you forgive your other half if he/she cheated on you?

I've always thought I wouldn't but I was thinking about this the other day, after a close friend of mine confided in me that her husband is cheating on her.

I was thinking I probably would forgive my partner, even though at first I'd be fuming and would probably temporarily move out until I calmed down.

But because I love him and because he's my world, I know I would forgive him.
What would you do?

It would depend on the situation.
There would be multiple factors that effect the answer

Relationship Status:
Are you going out long?
Are you married?
Kids?
House Together?

Mistress/mister (whats the male term for mistress)
Do you know her/him?
Has is been going on long? once off?
Will they see that person again? (like are they a work colleague)


Personally I think the depends on how happy you were with the relationship before the incident occurred. I would be fuming tho.

Shenshen

I think my definition of cheating might be very different from the majority's.

It would very much depend on the situation. Everybody makes mistakes, but I value honesty. If he's honest, I would most probably forgive and forget.

If he was trying to hide and I found out through some other channel - I don't know. There'd be some serious discussions.

Candy_Girl

It's not an easy yes or no if you're in a long term relationship with children involved, it really depends on the situation. Although some forgive it's another thing rebuilding trust.

Winty

Its all in the detail

Was the cheat a long term thing with holidays away, money spend on gifts and a sharing of loving kiss or a handj*b by a drunk girl in a nightclub carpark after a night of beer

Big Difference

bur

Depends on who with. But even then I'd find it impossible to get that image out of my head.

Nothing more pathetic than a doormat.

Tokyo

How the other person dealt with it would be a huge factor I think. If they were truly remorseful then yes, maybe there's a chance. If not, then no way. I tried to work things out once with a cheating partner only to find out that their apology came with too many caveats and I ended it shortly afterwards. Not soon enough though.

RoyalMarine

Nope. 100% nope.

Been cheated on before, and I know what it feels like.

I explained this to my current girlfriend, and she knows that its the one thing I cant accept.

Colser

Fair play to anyone who says they did and continued on to have a happy relationship...Once the trust is gone thats it imo...everytime your OH would walk out the door that nagging doubt kicks in and its impossible to ignore...Eventually you realise that you cannot live like that and have to make a clean break which is very difficult if you still love the other person. What you thought you would do in that situation can change dramatically when you are actually in it...its a horrible thing to have to go through ..

Tilly

I tried before to forgive but it just didnt work out in the end. Every text or call had my mind racing. So now if someone did it to me it would be game over.

Super-Rush

I'd forgive my missus for forcing me into cheating on her.

anncoates

If one half of me cheated, it would only be 50% as bad, I suppose.

suicide_circus

It would always be at the back of my mind

Summer wind

The one thing I can't stand is being lied to. Plus if someone cheats on you once they will do it again so no I would never forgive or forget.

RoboRat

Nope, I have been cheated on before and if my wife done it to me I would walk because I know that it would always be eating away at me and would probably drive me back into depression.

Also, if she was to cheat it would show that I would never be good enough because I do everything I can to make her happy (and she does the same for me). If thats not enough, there is nothing more I can offer. I could possibly understand if I was a bad husband and neglected her, but I am not so there would be no point in trying to fix it.

GLaDOS

Would depend on the circumstances, but I don't think I would. It's a horrible breach of trust.

Penny Tration

It really depends.

If my OH kissed someone else while drunk, I could probably forgive it.

A situation I was in before, in a long term relationship:

I was suffering badly with depression and post traumatic stress, and couldn't bring myself to have sex for 3 months. Understandably, this was very hard on him, I get that.

One day, I hopped onto yahoo on his laptop (he told me I could use it) to check my email. It automatically was logged into his face email (with a fake surname, misspelled). All of the emails were from women he was arranging to meet for sex. On the anniversary of me being raped, when I was seriously suffering, he had given me space. More like ignored me because he was off sleeping with someone else that day.

I tried to forgive him. I couldn't. So we ended the relationship and we're both friends and much happier with our partners.

Shenshen

I've got a question to all posters here:

I read a while ago that women would be more likely to fogive and forget a man who cheats once, especially if it was with a stranger.
They would generally be much, much more concerend if it was a friend, and if they suspected that there was an emotional side to it.

Men, on the other hand, are very unlikely to forgive any cheating, be it once-offs or ongoing. They wouldn't see much difference.

So just out of curiosity, would you find that to be true?

I'm female, and as long as he's honest with me and there's no deep feelings involved, I would forgive and forget.

Generic Dreadhead

Shenshen wrote: »

I'm female, and as long as he's honest with me and there's no deep feelings involved, I would forgive and forget.

Fair play, would he get a number of strikes? Like if he did it once wit ha stranger, owned up to it and told you and was remorseful, but then did it a 2nd time a year later and owned up again.....

Holsten

If any girlfriend cheated on me in any form it would be over as soon as I found out.

There is simply no reason or justification for it. End the relationship and then go do whatever you want.

I don't think that once a cheater always a cheater, but once it's done it's that relationship over.

valoren

Reputation is everything.
You defend it as well as you can.

If you cheat on your partner, you show an appalling lack of respect for their own feelings. If you get caught, then your reputation is beyond repair. You have lost someones trust.

For me it's 100% a deal breaker.

And I would expect the same treatment if I were to cheat and get caught myself.

If you want to cheat then do the other person a favour by ending it.

Otherwise, tug one out or schlick one out if you're that randy.

NZ_2014

No way hozay. Once bitten twice shy.

Esterhase

I'm female and I don't think I'd be able to forgive, and I certainly would never be able to forget. Doesn't matter if it's a stranger or friend, or one time or many. If the OH wasn't happy enough to only be with me I'd rather be broken up with than cheated on.

Potatoeman

It would seem like an indication of their attitude to the relationship. If they do it then they clearly dont respect you.

RoboRat

If my OH kissed someone else while drunk, I could probably forgive it.

I think I could eventually forgive a drunken kiss with a stranger if she was extremely remorseful and I felt it was genuine, but with somebody that she knew, no. Anything more than a kiss is I have zero tolerance for.

The reason, for me is that a drunken kiss with a stranger may be a mistake whereas if its with somebody she knew it must have been on her mind. I have had girls that were friends and they were interested in more and truth be told, if I was single, I would have also been interested but I have left them in the past because it is temptation and I love my wife and child.

suicide_circus

Shenshen wrote: »

I've got a question to all posters here:

I read a while ago that women would be more likely to fogive and forget a man who cheats once, especially if it was with a stranger.
They would generally be much, much more concerend if it was a friend, and if they suspected that there was an emotional side to it.

Men, on the other hand, are very unlikely to forgive any cheating, be it once-offs or ongoing. They wouldn't see much difference.

So just out of curiosity, would you find that to be true?

I'm female, and as long as he's honest with me and there's no deep feelings involved, I would forgive and forget.

A man's greatest fear is unknowingly raising the spawn of another mans seed

Mesrine65

No, if the trust is gone, the betrayal negates forgiveness, let alone the return to intimacy...but that's just me.

Potatoeman

suicide_circus wrote: »

A man's greatest fear is unknowingly raising the spawn of another mans seed

There is a compamy that you get a kit with swabs for dna testing. Its all done through the post.

Fuzzytrooper

Yes - I would of course be really hurt and it would take time for this to heal and to rebuild trust but I think I would.

floggg

Gongoozler wrote: »

Most likely not. I can't imagine how he or I could ever justify the cheating. I'm not saying I wouldn't consider it but I can't see any situation where I would consider it justifiable.

Because they are human and prone to err?

We have all done thing's we regret. Cheating is obviously a big one (and not something I've ever done for the record), but I can understand how it might happen.

We don't ever think rationally when we make mistakes like this, and a momentary impulse can over ride all other considerations.

I think successful long term relationships rely on three things (amongst others) - sacrifice, forgiveness and understanding.

Sacrifice, because monogamy is about rejecting your natural impulses and commiting solely to one person (no matter how in love you are, you will be subject to occasional third party lustings).

Forgiveness and understanding because if you plan to spend a life together then you need to accept you will both make mistakes of various varieties, big and small, and will also hurt each other occasionally as well.

To paraphrase Dan Savage, forgiveness and understanding are of little value if you only use them for the little things.


Whether I would forgive or not would depend on the circumstances, and the reasons why it occurred. A once off mistake or a moment of weakness on his part, I would like to think I would understand and forgive.

If it was more calculated, and a conscious choice so to speak, then I don't think I could forgive that because it shows a disregard for me and our relationship.

Wibbs

Shenshen wrote: »

I've got a question to all posters here:

I read a while ago that women would be more likely to fogive and forget a man who cheats once, especially if it was with a stranger.
They would generally be much, much more concerend if it was a friend, and if they suspected that there was an emotional side to it.

Men, on the other hand, are very unlikely to forgive any cheating, be it once-offs or ongoing. They wouldn't see much difference.

So just out of curiosity, would you find that to be true?

It would of course depend entirely on the individuals involved SS, but I'd say that might be very generally true going on my past experience. There might and I say might even be some biology behind it. Until very recently a man couldn't be 100% sure a child was his, but for a woman this wasn't even a thought(unless some case of swapped at the hospital occurred). So a woman cheating on a man might mean said man would end up raising a child that wasn't his, so this would make men more twitchy about infidelity. On the other hand a man cheating on a woman wouldn't directly impact on the children she has, save for the man sharing resources with the other woman. Men with lots of resources this would be even less of an issue(posing the questions; a) do rich men cheat more and b) do their partners forgive it more often?).

But that's pie in the sky stuff, one broad gender difference I have noted is with regard to the type of cheating involved. Physical cheating gets most of us wound up, but emotional cheating is usually completely off the radar with men so long as there is no sex involved, whereas women are much more likely to spot it and get upset by it.

As for the original question? No way, or at least there would have to be extremely extenuating circumstances and that's for a one off snog type dealio, for an actual affair? GTFO and don't let the door hit your arse on the way out. Circumstances could well be an issue for some mind you. A long term marriage with children involved, shared finances etc. In such a case just leaving or asking the other person to leave wouldn't be nearly so simple.

floggg

Summer wind wrote: »

The one thing I can't stand is being lied to. Plus if someone cheats on you once they will do it again so no I would never forgive or forget.

I dont think thats true. Everybody is different in the end, but not everybody is a serial cheater. Sometimes people just make a once off mistake they regret for the rest of their lives.

Haven't you ever done something you've regretted, and vowed to learn, grow and never repeat?

Once off drunken kiss, maybe. If they were genuinely remorseful about any other once off stuff, maybe. Anything else, no. Tried the forgiveness route before and I may as well have held up a "please walk all over me" sign after that.

RoboRat

Because they are human and prone to err?

We have all done thing's we regret. Cheating is obviously a big one (and not something I've ever done for the record), but I can understand how it might happen.

We don't ever think rationally when we make mistakes like this, and a momentary impulse can over ride all other considerations.

I disagree, cheating just doesn't happen... its not like you walk by a woman, lock eyes and then start sucking the face off her. There is dialogue, flirting and generally touching and sexual tension before anything happens. Everybody knows when this is happening so when it starts, you walk away. If you get too drunk to see this (and I don't for a second believe drink is an excuse) then you shouldn't drink or at least moderate your drinking.

If you don't bother to heed the signals then you have knowingly cheated. If you get sexual, then you have had numerous chances to walk away but you have knowingly made a choice that this is a chance you are willing to take, which IMO, means you don't think much of your partner.

Maximus Alexander

I'd probably forgive her, but I wouldn't stay with her. Trust is the absolute foundation of a relationship, once that's gone there's just no point.

orlyice

Completely depends, to me a purely physical drunken one night stand is not as bad as an emotional affair. If my OH was confiding in her and he was emotionally attached to her, then I would find that impossible to forgive, even if there was very little or no physical cheating. I should always be no. 1 to him and if he felt closer to another woman then it would be over, no matter what.

I can't handle lying so if someone lied to me about cheating it would also be a deal breaker. I think if my husband cheated on me, one night stand, complete stranger, with a massive amount of drink involved and was honest about it, then I might be able to forgive it. That would be the only situation in which I could forgive, if it happened a second time then it's curtains for our relationship

Tokyo

Summer wind wrote: »

If someone cheats on you once they will do it again

RoboRat wrote: »

I disagree, cheating just doesn't happen... its not like you walk by a woman, lock eyes and then start sucking the face off her. There is dialogue, flirting and generally touching and sexual tension before anything happens.

I don't necessarily agree that this is the case in all scenarios. People can find themselves at an emotional rock bottom for various life reasons, looking for something/anything to pick them back up again. Sometimes that can be the attentions of a third party. I'm not arguing that it's right, just pointing out that there can be more to it than just trying to get your rocks off with somebody else.

strobe

A lot would vary based on the specific relationship I was in and the person I was in it with.

But in general a once off crazy stupid drunken mistake where they came clean, I could possibly forgive. But it'd still more than likely mean the end of the relationship.

An ongoing calculated thing I don't think I'd be able to forgive tbh.

Wise Old Elf

Wibbs wrote: »

Circumstances could well be an issue for some mind you. A long term marriage with children involved, shared finances etc. In such a case just leaving or asking the other person to leave wouldn't be nearly so simple.

I think this counts as well. I said in my earlier reply that I'd like to think I would, but I'm not sure how I'd get on. I'd fall in to the shared finances and children category, and it would be extremely difficult to walk away from (aside from the emotional attachment to my partner, obviously). I guess if it happened earlier in a relationship, I might take a harder line on it and walk away.
I'm not sure drink is a defence for cheating either. Obviously, we can all do silly things with drink on board, but I don't think I've ever forgotten that I'm married, or not cared about my relationship, no matter how drunk I've gotten.

MistyCheese

Why? What have you heard? I'll kill him! I knew that story about a nun begging and all he had to give her was his wedding ring was a load of krap.

Jay D

I think once the dirt is done in a relationship it's over.

I would agree with an earlier post that regularly and once off affairs are completely different. However either would turn my world upside down if I found out and I would not like to inflict it on someone else.

Married? Please no. My 2 cents.

floggg

RoboRat wrote: »

Nope, I have been cheated on before and if my wife done it to me I would walk because I know that it would always be eating away at me and would probably drive me back into depression.

Also, if she was to cheat it would show that I would never be good enough because I do everything I can to make her happy (and she does the same for me). If thats not enough, there is nothing more I can offer. I could possibly understand if I was a bad husband and neglected her, but I am not so there would be no point in trying to fix it.

I think in many cases the cheating has nothing to do with the non-cheating partner, or their supposed worth.

Sometimes it's just a drunken mistake, a partner with esteem or other issues, or just a sudden moment of weakness.

One eyed Jack

Shenshen wrote: »

I've got a question to all posters here:

I read a while ago that women would be more likely to fogive and forget a man who cheats once, especially if it was with a stranger.
They would generally be much, much more concerend if it was a friend, and if they suspected that there was an emotional side to it.

Men, on the other hand, are very unlikely to forgive any cheating, be it once-offs or ongoing. They wouldn't see much difference.

So just out of curiosity, would you find that to be true?

I'm female, and as long as he's honest with me and there's no deep feelings involved, I would forgive and forget.

Over the course of my lifetime, and I can only speak anecdotally obviously, but I think there was some truth in that in previous generations. Among the current and 'upcoming' generation so to speak (people in their 20's), it's definitely more of a 50/50 split between genders as women are proving themselves just as capable of walking away from a relationship when their partner cheats on them, and more men seem more likely to want to work things out when their partner cheats on them. The circumstances are as variable as their reasons for their decisions either to leave or try and work things out.

suicide_circus wrote: »

A man's greatest fear is unknowingly raising the spawn of another mans seed

Your greatest fear perhaps, I can think of a lot worse myself.

floggg wrote: »

Because they are human and prone to err?

We have all done thing's we regret. Cheating is obviously a big one (and not something I've ever done for the record), but I can understand how it might happen.

We don't ever think rationally when we make mistakes like this, and a momentary impulse can over ride all other considerations.

I think successful long term relationships rely on three things (amongst others) - sacrifice, forgiveness and understanding.

Sacrifice, because monogamy is about rejecting your natural impulses and commiting solely to one person (no matter how in love you are, you will be subject to occasional third party lustings).

Forgiveness and understanding because if you plan to spend a life together then you need to accept you will both make mistakes of various varieties, big and small, and will also hurt each other occasionally as well.

To paraphrase Dan Savage, forgiveness and understanding are of little value if you only use them for the little things.


Whether I would forgive or not would depend on the circumstances, and the reasons why it occurred. A once off mistake or a moment of weakness on his part, I would like to think I would understand and forgive.

If it was more calculated, and a conscious choice so to speak, then I don't think I could forgive that because it shows a disregard for me and our relationship.

I don't know who Dan Savage is, but he was bang on with that, or I could certainly agree with him at least. I'd always forgive someone, because I don't believe I'd be doing myself any favours holding onto any bitterness.

Whether I'd stay with them or not would be completely dependent upon the circumstances and even if they actually wanted to stay with me in the first place. That's always been my first question that I tell a person they should ask themselves. There's no point in trying to salvage something if the person can't be honest with themselves before they expect of themselves that they're capable of being honest with someone else.

Gongoozler

floggg wrote: »

Because they are human and prone to err?

We have all done thing's we regret. Cheating is obviously a big one (and not something I've ever done for the record), but I can understand how it might happen.

I get what you're saying, but disagree. It's not about being prone to error, you're simplifying things. As better explained above me, cheating doesn't just happen. There's often thought, often lack of thought, often malice bla bla bla.

And I don't know that it's a commonly accepted theory that people are polygamous at all, so I dunno that I'd have much sympathy for the attitude that you're doing well not to cheat.