Snide Comments

CaraMay

The people posting here obviously have no experience dealing with a special needs child all day. I moved from a very pressurized job into the role of carer and I can't believe how stressful it is. Nothing I've ever worked at before compares.

People are criticizing the op for being upset by her friend. In my case, if a friend were criticizing me for my choices I would be very upset too. I think it's one of those where you can't understand unless you are in the position. Fine, the op may not understand what pressure her friend is under by tun she didn't start the digs.

Neyite

I think you should drop her OP. She displays a lack of understanding of what being a carer is. I've helped with respite care to give carers a break here and there for some years and I could NOT do it on a daily basis the way that they do. I feel emotionally drained and heartsore after helping out for a few days.

Shortly after I had my baby, I was sitting at home and though "oh, I think I'll pop out to Dunnes to see if they have any nice tops" Like I'd done a million times before.

Then I realised that I'd have to get myself and a baby organised for the trip, pack a changing bag, pack milk and food, extra nappies, clothes, time it feeds-wise, bring the buggy, remember the rain cover for the buggy, blanket, toys etc. I realised with shock that I could never just unthinkingly nip out to the shops for a very long time like I used to do. Thats only a small taster of what you face daily, not to mention battling for the meagre health services and appointments that our Health Service deign to occasionally bestow on our special needs children.

She might get it if she ever has to care for a relative, or if she has a child herself. But right now, she is unsupportive, unkind and not someone who is beneficial to have as a friend. Make friends with people you have something in common with, who's company you enjoy and ditch her.

dafunk

It's simple. If you don't value her as a friend then end your relationship with her.
If you do value her as a friend then sit down, discuss how you're hurt by what she has said and resolve it with her. I would add though that I think there is a pair of you in it. You seem to be quite judgmental and dismissive of her stresses. From where you're standing it seems she's on easy street but maybe she hates her job and is miserable having to spend 10 hours a day in it. Maybe she's jealous of you that you have lovely kids that you spend your day with. Being at home all day with kids is not easy, I don't for one second think it's a walk in the park, but it's also a choice, whereas having to go to work everyday is not necessarily a choice.

CaraMay

dafunk wrote: »

I don't for one second think it's a walk in the park, but it's also a choice, whereas having to go to work everyday is not necessarily a choice.

She is a carer for her special needs child. There is no choice.

dafunk

CaraMay wrote: »

She is a carer for her special needs child. There is no choice.

I'm not for one second undermining the job that the OP has. I can't even imagine how tough it is to be rearing kids alone and full time caring for one with special needs. It is trojan work and carers in this country are not given anyway near the supports that they need.

Perhaps I chose my words incorrectly, I was playing devils advocate really. When people have kids they choose whether to continue working or whether to be a stay at home parent. My point is that maybe for the OPs friend, these aren't choices that she has. Maybe there's a jealousy at play that she would like to be a stay at home parent. That aside, it does not justify making cruel or snide remarks.

Big Bag of Chips

CaraMay wrote: »

People are criticizing the op for being upset by her friend.

People are replying to you OP, because you are the one posting looking for advice. Advice is being offered. It may not be what you want to hear. It may not even be relevant to you, as you know the specifics of your situation. The only thing people have to go on is a few lines of text. If your friend was posting from her perspective she would probably be getting similar responses. People telling her that she shouldn't judge you, and she has no idea what your day to day life entails.

People post from their own perspectives. And 2 people can often have 2 very differing perspectives on exactly the same situation.

The only advice that can genuinely be offered to you to help change this situation (because I take it the reason you posted was to get advice on how to change what is happening?) is to talk to your friend about how she makes you feel. Or drop her.

LegacyUser

I've two cousins from two different families who have special needs. One is adopted into a family with two parents and three kids, the other is a child to a single mother. There's been a family falling out because my aunt who is the lone parent made snide comments about how much easier my uncle's family had it. Lots of snide comments about how much more support he has and as my cousin is not their biological child they can always 'give him back'.

People can be very self centered, I've friends who are lone parents who moan at me a lot at how lucky I am not having kids and I don't know how hard it is which makes me feel I can mention anything to them as if something is going well for me then it appears I'm gloating or if things are going bad I'll be mocked. I've just learned some friends are not as close to me as others and I don't share everything with them and the ones that really get on my nerves I just cut out of my life.

We don't know this woman so we don't know what is really going on in her life, looking from the outside doesn't always give a clear picture on what is going on with someone. If this woman is upsetting you so much OP then just stop talking to her....simple

Est28

CaraMay wrote: »

The people posting here obviously have no experience dealing with a special needs child all day. I moved from a very pressurized job into the role of carer and I can't believe how stressful it is. Nothing I've ever worked at before compares.

People are criticizing the op for being upset by her friend. In my case, if a friend were criticizing me for my choices I would be very upset too. I think it's one of those where you can't understand unless you are in the position. Fine, the op may not understand what pressure her friend is under by tun she didn't start the digs.

And you obviously have no experience dealing with her friends job, or my job or any other job that may be high pressured and take up almost all of your time.... but that's not relevant to you is it?!?!

See, it isn't the fact that she has a child to care for... it's the fact that she insists that HER situations is SO much more important than ANYTHING anyone else could have going on. Or at least that how she's coming across...
... I get the feeling (but can't know for certain) she's probably telling her friend how AWFUL her life is and how difficult it is and how AMAZING she is for coping. To HER it is... but to her Friend... it's not... to me it's not. To me, my life and the stuff in it is most important.

It just sounds like OP shoves this in everyones face and then when others snipe back like "Eh, we have lives too...!" the OP is like "Oh, but you've no kids, no family, oh your job is easy, not like the one I had/have....".

This is like the 3/4 posts on here in the last month or so now where people complain about their kids as if they had no choice in the matter of having kids.
As I said, I'm 30 and not married nor have kids but I have a lot to take care of too and just can't listen to people going on like I have nothing to do and time to waste because I didn't CHOOSE (notice the word choose as having kids was your CHOICE, it wasn't thrust upon you) to have kids yet.

I can only imagine how hard it is to care for a special needs child. Can't be easy. But does everyone elses worlds stop because of it? No! Everyone has their own responsibilities and things they need to take care of. OP seems to want all the sympathy for her situation but downplaying everyone elses.

Tokyo

Mod Note:
Alright - the irony of asking everyone to stop with the snide comments is not lost on me. It's worth bearing in mind that for the most part, none of us here know the backstory of each others lives so let's not make assumptions shall we? Back to the OP's issue please...

Regards,
Mike

LegacyUser

There's only 2 options:
1. Dump the friend
2. Talk to the friend & try to work it out.

I believe that in the OP's current mindset, (1) is the only option. I don't think (2) is possible, until OP recognises that although she's going through a hard time, it doesn't mean thst her friend doesn't have her own difficulties/stresses. I think for option (2) to be possible, she must trecognise thst she may be seeing anything less than 100% validation as 'snide', and thus making a serious error of judgement, and isolating herself. Life is short; others are willing to help/offer a listening ear; but not if they're put down and told - subtly or otherwise / that they 'have it easy'.

I do believe that until the OP recognises thst she's not the only person in the world with problems, nothing will change. I believe that she is choosing to view any comments that don't fit her view as being 'snide', but that this is just a function of her not recognising that others have their own life problems, which she is not willing to listen to at all

CaraMay

Est28 wrote: »

And you obviously have no experience dealing with her friends job, or my job or any other job that may be high pressured and take up almost all of your time.... but that's not relevant to you is it?!?!

See, it isn't the fact that she has a child to care for... it's the fact that she insists that HER situations is SO much more important than ANYTHING anyone else could have going on. Or at least that how she's coming across...
... I get the feeling (but can't know for certain) she's probably telling her friend how AWFUL her life is and how difficult it is and how AMAZING she is for coping. To HER it is... but to her Friend... it's not... to me it's not. To me, my life and the stuff in it is most important.

It just sounds like OP shoves this in everyones face and then when others snipe back like "Eh, we have lives too...!" the OP is like "Oh, but you've no kids, no family, oh your job is easy, not like the one I had/have....".

This is like the 3/4 posts on here in the last month or so now where people complain about their kids as if they had no choice in the matter of having kids.
As I said, I'm 30 and not married nor have kids but I have a lot to take care of too and just can't listen to people going on like I have nothing to do and time to waste because I didn't CHOOSE (notice the word choose as having kids was your CHOICE, it wasn't thrust upon you) to have kids yet.

I can only imagine how hard it is to care for a special needs child. Can't be easy. But does everyone elses worlds stop because of it? No! Everyone has their own responsibilities and things they need to take care of. OP seems to want all the sympathy for her situation but downplaying everyone elses.

If you read the best line you would read that I moved from a very
Pressurised job...

Bottom line is no one needs a negative friend in their life and I certainly wouldn't entertain a friend who made snipes about my circumstances (whatever they are).