Snide Comments

LegacyUser · 29-10-2014 8:09pm #1

Basically I am a full time Carer. I care for my child who has very complex care needs. I have other kids too and am facing a major life change shortly. I can feel very isolated at times as all I ever see are Doctors, Therapists, hospitals etc. I go to a lot of appointments each week.

Recently a friend has been giving me the cold shoulder. I keep getting snide comments about how busy they are in work and the fact that they work etc. Fair enough they work, they also go on holidays a lot and have lunch breaks etc. These things I can only dream of. Fine that is my life and I accept it but the snide comments about how they 'work' and are tired from 'work' are very, very hurtful. I work too except it is 24/7. I have very, very little money. I don't get much sleep at night. I parent alone and my family can't really help.

I do know what it is like to work outside the home as I had a very demanding well paid employment for 16 years. I had to give this up to look after my son. My job was a walk in the park compared to what I do now on a daily basis.

How do I deal with this friend or should I just leave her to it as she would probably need to walk in my shoes to understand?

Big Bag of Chips · 29-10-2014 8:47pm

Maybe she is just busy in work. And maybe she would like to not work? You don't work out of necessity. She obviously does work, also out of necessity. There is a chance she doesn't mean it as a dig at you, but you perceive it as a dig because you are sensitive about it.

It's difficult to know. If she is/was a really good friend would you not sit down with her, and tell her how you are feeling. But also listen to how she's feeling. I'm sure she sees the amount of work and effort you have to put in with your son, and I'd guess she wouldn't want to swap places with you.. but that doesn't mean that she can't have a bitch about hating work!

On the other hand, if she's not that close a friend, then just start avoiding her.

LegacyUser · 29-10-2014 9:18pm

The comments are definitely meant to get at me. Every second comment suddenly involves how they have to work and that sure I must have loads of free time. I don't, the care needs of a child with complex needs are huge. There is no lunch break, no time off and often involves sleeping on a hospital floor or hours sitting in a hospital for appointments.

I am being made feel like a second class citizen because I can't work. It is not like I have a choice. I know for a fact she is not overly busy in work. I'm not going into details about the type of job it is.

I don't even talk to her about what I do or don't do or the daily struggles that only a Carer would understand faces. I did value her friendship, that is why I am upset. She is definitely not having a bitch but rather trying to make out I have it handy.

Big Bag of Chips · 29-10-2014 9:28pm

Sadwoman wrote: »

I don't even talk to her about what I do or don't do or the daily struggles that only a Carer would understand faces.

How is she to understand if you don't tell her, though? Really, I can only guess how tough it is. We had a family member who needed care, not as much as your son, but it was constant all the same. But if you don't talk to your friend then she's not to know.

If on the other hand you think you have just grown apart and she adds nothing of benefit to your life, then start making excuses and stop meeting her.

Shrap · 29-10-2014 10:32pm

Sadwoman wrote: »

I don't even talk to her about what I do or don't do or the daily struggles that only a Carer would understand faces. I did value her friendship, that is why I am upset. She is definitely not having a bitch but rather trying to make out I have it handy.

OP, I hear you and I know how sh1t it is when someone is having a go at you, even subtly, because they think they know better about your life than you do, when all they know is how hard their own life is. However, there may be a reason for that and it's in bold right there above, like BBOC said.

My youngest has special needs (although no hospital visits, but we do plenty of therapy visits) and I get ONE full day off every second weekend courtesy of his Dad. You might even get none for all I know, but I hope you have some regular break. The reason I'm mentioning this is that my son's father does not know how close to breaking point I am all the time. I'm tough, but no-one sees how tough except my partner who doesn't live with me.

My youngest's father doesn't get it at all - the daily struggle with coaxing him through school, bus, homework, all the social situations that my 13 yr old deals with now that he's in secondary. There's a reason he doesn't get it - he doesn't see it (except for two nights and one full day when our son isn't in school) and I haven't been telling him. I'm starting to tell him now though (again!), and I've called him in a few times when things have been too tough recently.

Genuinely, people don't know what you do on a daily basis. My partner suggested that I literally lay out a typical day to my son's father and write down things like how there was a melt-down over the cereal bowl not being the right colour, or the melt-down over his homework, or the latest note home from school, or how his shirt wouldn't button up right, and to write down the TIME it all took (not to mention the energy and emotional stoicism it takes to rise above this and carry on, day in, day out).

There's a saying I read recently up here about how, if everyone threw their problems in a pile and we all got to choose from them, most of us would take our own problems back instead of other people's. In fairness to your friend - she hasn't a clue. Not the foggiest idea. One of my own best friends is similar and she's a great one for the "Ah, it'll be fine" and "He'll find his feet". It's not helpful when you're the one with 13 years experience that platitudes aren't the answer.

I'd suggest that you give your friend a chance to see what she's actually saying to you when you feel she dismisses your life/your care as if it was a walk in the park. Make a list of how your day is. How you treasure every moment alone and why, and the things you HAVE to do that mean dread and drudgery, mental/physical/emotional energy, advocacy and immense stress. You have a job that you can't walk away from OP. You are an advocate, a parent and a carer. You have the biggest commitment of all, and she needs a heads up that her snide comments are adding to your load.

Although, I have to say, if she's that blind to your emotional state then she's a drain, not a friend. Hang in there mate. You, in giving over your life, are the reason your child is doing so well. Well done you - that's very, very cool :cool::cool:

Sorry, very long.

Shrap · 29-10-2014 10:42pm

Ps. Jaysus, I never mentioned about how my life is in the hal'penny place (stress wise) compared to yours. Sorry. Seriously, if I'm close to breaking point - I don't know how you're doing it with no sleep and no time to yourself. Mind yerself hon. Best of luck to you and all your care.

LegacyUser · 29-10-2014 10:58pm

When I say I don't talk to her about it, I mean I don't do it in a sense of moaning about how hard I have it. She always had a tendency to turn everything into a competition so I try to avoid saying " Well life is not a walk in the park for me" while you are working.

I did try to talk about it but was told that "They were busy working" Well she gets home from work. Still no effort at all.

I am not extra sensitive about it. It just hurts when someone constantly reminds you of the fact that "They work" One particular day I was up to my tonsils in paperwork from the HSE. Another joy of being a Carer and I was made little of because I could not answer a question she had asked. My head was fried. I simply could not remember what the answer was due to lack of sleep and the forms I had to fill in.

LegacyUser · 29-10-2014 11:56pm

I honestly believe that some people have no empathy or understanding of other peoples lives at all. Yes your friend might see that you are not working but the reality is that you have a child with special needs and you know that you are soon going to have major life change.
At this stage I would tell your friend that you would like to be back at work, to have a holiday or a lunch brake every day and then tell them what your life is like in reality.
If they make another side comment I would just stop contacting them.

I would also look into seeing if you could can some help with your child. I know that the jack and jill organisation help parents like you. Don't feel you have to do everything on your own because you need to look after yourself to help your child.

I would also see if you could contact other parents who have children with similar problems to your own child. They may be able to give you some advice and support.

I have a friend who child's is has autism and we often go through periods of not seeing each other much as she is busy with them but I would still ring and text her.
I think that some times you need to remember that some people suffer from lack of engaging brain before opening mouth.

R.D. aka MR.D · 30-10-2014 12:05am

Maybe someone on here can give you a good suggestion on where to get some support as a carer. It's not easy.

Honestly, it sounds like you are very stressed but it also sounds like you are being overly sensitive to your friends comments. Maybe you are feeling insecure/unhappy with your life and her comments are coming across as worse than they really are.

If she is really bothering you and you think she is doing it on purpose, then cut contact with her but otherwise maybe try to build your own self-worth so these comments don't cut so deep.

My mother is a carer and I see so much of the things she says to me in what you have written. Stress magnifies things 10 fold and it can be hard to see past your own problems when they are so large.

makeandcreate · 30-10-2014 1:28am

<Mod Snip: No need to quote entire post>

OP - there's a saying "things are as they are, we suffer because we imagine different"

and somewhere within that lies both your truth and your friends truth.

Although your life is hard, it seems as if she is the one that has difficulties accepting where her life is - you're not responsible for that, if she continually belittles you then it's time to give her an ultimatum.

Shrap · 30-10-2014 1:11pm

<Mod Snip: No need to quote entire post>

She sounds awful OP.

What have you got to lose by saying to her (the next time she brings up how busy she is by comparison to you) "Look, life isn't a fcuking competition, but if it was, I win hands down in the stress levels but I'm not going to moan about it to anyone". I can't think what this "friend" brings to your life, tbh. Sounds like if you would need to find the extra energy to stand up to this woman, you'd be better off using the energy to ignore her till she goes away.

Vixen24 · 30-10-2014 9:17pm

I think you guys are both stressed, and both need a break. My sister did this to me, I took time off work due to big health problems,I took a huge hit financially but she never stopped giving out about lazy people on sick leave, its mean spirited, but bizarrely despite my health problems, I actually think she would have just liked the time herself.But sometimes you have to cut out people from your life, your friend might be mindlessly competitive and there is nothing you can do about that, it will only bring her the obvious unhappiness she feels currently. By the way, you aren't over sensitive just because you dislike passive aggressive people, passive aggressive people are parasites and draining and mean exactly what you think they do. I once heard a psychiatrist say that if you challenge a passive aggressive person and they get defensive and argumentative then you have hit the nail on the head in what you thought they meant. When you misunderstand what a persons intentions are, they are nearly always apologetic and embarrassed because they meant something else. Just a thought. The best of luck, I hope you get some proper supports
soon, the Carers Association of Ireland are a representative body for carers and could possibly direct you to more supports or respite.

afterglow · 30-10-2014 9:55pm

Hi OP

Just wanted to throw my 2 cents in here.
I was going to say what the others have said above, about finding a respite for you/your son, so you can get some time to yourself but that's already been said. Really do look into this, you can't parent, or do anything effectively for that matter if your drained both emotionally and physically, and you need to be healthy in every way you can to keep doing what your doing, and if no one is helping you then you really do deserve a break.
I just wanted to comment as well about the friend who is making nasty comments.
I used to be friendly with someone, we are on facebook now still but wouldn't talk as much at all.
I have a disability, and he has same disability as me. Now, he was lucky enough to land himself a job in the civil service, and any time i make reference to how i wish i had a job or something like that, he will always come back with some stupid comment, it's not a picnic etc.
I bought myself a new phone there recently and he commented on my facebook about isn't it great to have the money.
I don't know what his problem was, i wasn't asking him to pay back the loan i got to get it, or to buy it for me or anything!!!!!
I know that these comments are awful, was the only reason i wrote all that stuff down.
I know what it's like to have someone tell you that they are so busy in work, or they wish they could have a day off when all you want is a job, or a moment to yourself, or someone to help you when you are having a tough time with your son in your case.
Perhaps your friend needs, as others said, exactly what a day entails for you written down, maybe then she would cop the hell on and stop being so self rightious and get down off her "i'm working your not" high horse.
People like her and like that person i talked about before are so self important that they don't see past the ends of their noses. No one has had, or ever will have, struggles/problems/whatever else's like they have had or will have.
Try talk to this person and then as others have said i really would move on and distance myself from them, and honestly do try find some support for yourself.
I really hope you manage to stay strong OP, and as others have said, you are doing a wonderful thing for your son, do remember that.

CaraMay · 31-10-2014 7:10am

Op she will never understand because she doesn't want to. You have enough stress in your life and don't need someone else adding to it.

dellas1979 · 01-11-2014 10:32am

Hi OP.

You see it from your point of view - she works (what ever that idea equates to you as, i.e., being out of the house, more money, meeting people, a rest from what you do [insert what "working" means to you here]...)

She sees work from her point of view (no matter if you think she is busy or not is irrelevant - you dont know - she thinks you are not busy - you catch what am saying?), as busy, boring, dealing with people she doesnt like, would prefer to be off doing something else [insert reason here].

Its total transference of your own "ideas" onto each other. I.e., the other seems to think the other is having a whale of a time.

I am playing devils advocate here (not my beliefs). But there is a general misconception out there, from people not in these roles, that people who are in carer roles do nothing all day (TV and couch scenario). "I mean, when the child/person is asleep, what do ye do? If the child goes to creche, what do ye do? How hard is to keep a house clean if you do 30mins/an hour everyday? You clean the house/washing/make meals? Well, so do I with a full time job. How can you complain how hard you have it at home, when (in their eyes) I get hammered by a boss everyday, meetings, deadlines, rude colleagues/dealing with people I dont like everyday?"

You could try listening to each other. Appreciate that maybe (in her eyes) she is busy/doesnt like her job (without putting your own spin on "well, working is easy compared to this - Id love to be out of the house"). Maybe invite her over to your house for a day (so she can see what you do). Maybe ask her to mind the child for a few hours. Ask her to help you with the paper work.

Rosie Rant · 01-11-2014 11:29am

Have you ever told your friend that she's being insensitive? When she makes one of her snide comments do you say " It hurts when you say that, please stop ? "

I think this is a case of "ignorance is bliss" . Your friend has no idea what life is like for you, what you have to deal with on a day to day basis. But that is because you haven't told her OP. If you think the friendship is worth salvaging then give her a chance to see how things are with you. Have her spend the day with you and the child. I think making these comments has become a bit of a habit with her and maybe she doesn't even realise how much they sting. I think that if you wrote down an account of a typical day for you she might just make the "too busy with work" comment again and not give it the attention it deserves.
Also, I imagine you don't get to spend much time with her because caring is such a full time job. She might (unreasonably) be feeling neglected by you. She needs to be made to understand. Actually seeing you do what you do will help with that. I agree with the above posters that say you should try get more help. You do an amazingly admirable job and you deserve some time for yourself.

Best of luck.

Rubberchikken · 01-11-2014 9:32pm

I cant see how people turn instances like this into a cpetition.
Her attitude, toe, seems to come from
Insecurity.
You obviously have very little time for socialising as ypu have your children to take care of, but is she feeling abandoned? Would you have had more time for her in the past?

I've tried to think about it from her angle, but i failed completely.

Maybe try telling her that her comments are unhelful.
Take care

LegacyUser · 03-11-2014 6:00pm

Thank you for all your very helpful comments. Day's have passed and not a word. However in spite of the fact that we are mature women, there have been some of those bitchy quotes posted on FB.

I have since read though all our messages and I can definitely see how she is sniping and making it seem like I do nothing all day long. Lots of comments about how busy she is because she works and she has to catch up with things on the weekend. All I ever see is socialising pictures. This is the first day I have had a chance to get to reply. I have asked what is wrong but was told they were busy working. She has a hell of a lot more free time then I could ever imagine.

I don't have much time at all for socialising and I'm trapped at home most evenings. However I have made time for her in the last few weeks so that is not the issue.

I have to come to the conclusion that she is never going to get it and I have to move on without her in my life. I do have some other wonderful friends however who in spite of not having kids certainly understand my situation. I also know plenty of other Carers like me and they would often tell me how lonely they have become because a lot of their friends just don't get it. Its like that old saying walk a mile in their shoes.

LegacyUser · 04-11-2014 11:42am

Are you sure her comments about being very busy with work are meant to be snide? You said in your first post that it is only recently that she has started giving you the cold shoulder.
If you have always been good friends before then why just start giving you the cold shoulder all of a sudden? Have you just recently stopped working or might it be over something else?

Do you think that because this "cold shoulder" thing is only a recent development, that it may be because of this that you are reading too much into every comment she makes as being snide, when perhaps the work comments aren't meant as such at all - she may be upset with you over something different or else you may just be drifting apart which happens sometimes?

You know a sort of reverse thing could be happening here either. As you were good friends she might know that you have a tough time but feel that you are often belittling or being dismissive of the work she has to do too. She may have listened and being understanding to you for years over the tough struggle you have, but if everytime she mentions her own work or life struggles you just dismiss her as "having it handy", or saying that she is "not overly busy" in her work, or telling her that you'd love to be able to swan off on holidays, or lunch breaks or weekends socializing like her, then maybe she is just sick of being apologetic for the nicer parts of her life whilst still just being brushed off as having it handy when she mentions her own tough times.

As mentioned before, it's not a competition of who has it worse. Yes you have major struggles in your life, but it doesn't mean you are the only person entitled to have a moan about things. Your problems are a lot bigger than most people's, you certainly know that and they know that too, but that doesn't mean that any stress they have should just be passed off as not being as bad as yours. There should be give and take on both sides in friendship and it can't all be one way. You should be able to talk to her about your problems, but likewise she should be able to talk to you about hers - no matter how trivial they may seem to you, they might be big to her. If it is only recent that she has started talking about her stress at work then maybe she has just gotten tired of staying quiet for so long about it?

I apologise if you are not actually guilty of dismissing her problems in the past, but that is certainly the impression you are giving by what you've posted so far.

However if you feel that maybe you have been a bit dismissive, and if you want to make peace and restore the friendship then you could try asking how she is, and maybe inviting her over for a cup of tea to chat and de-stress. Let her vent and just listen.
On other days if you need to vent to her then by all means do and let her listen.
What you both need to stop doing during these chats though is COMPARING.
She shouldn't say that she'd love to have more free time at home, you shouldn't say that her work is easy or that you wish you got a chance for weekend socializing anytime she mentions it.

Perhaps you could both have an open conversation where you tell her exactly what is bothering you at present (explain your day to day difficulties if she doesn't know), ask her have you being doing/saying things that bother her, then both agree to stop comparing each other and agree to try to be more supportive of each other in future.

If digs continue after these amendments have tried to be made, THEN consider dropping he as a friend.

Semele · 04-11-2014 3:33pm

I agree with what most people have been saying here that, although you do have an extremely hard time and are entirely deserving of support from your friends, you are quite dismissive of the fact that your friend doesn't seem totally happy herself at the minute.

I think that addressing it (by talking honestly with your friend about your feelings and the reality of your life) is the more adult thing to do, rather than lose a friendship and feel more alone. If she isn't receptive then by all means drop her, but at the minute it looks more as though there is just a real gap in your ability to understand each other's perspectives. Tell her what you need from her, but also be open to how you might be making her feel.

I like the allegory of physical pain- my broken leg doesn't hurt any less because the man in the next bed has just had his amputated! I may well be able to see that his is the worse position to be in and be thankful for my own relative good fortune, but that doesn't make the tiniest bit of difference to my own pain.

I can recognise that most of the world are less fortunate than I am, but that doesn't diminish the stress/worry/disappointment that my own life holds at times. We all need empathy and to feel cared for, and if you don't it is very difficult to summon up those feelings for another. You and your friend could have a lot to offer each other, but it has to come from a genuine place of care and interest on both parts.

dellas1979 · 04-11-2014 7:10pm

Sadwoman wrote: »

Lots of comments about how busy she is because she works and she has to catch up with things on the weekend. All I ever see is socialising pictures.

Sadwoman wrote: »

She has a hell of a lot more free time then I could ever imagine.

You really are being very judgemental of her. As you feel she is being to you.

Sadwoman wrote: »

Its like that old saying walk a mile in their shoes.

But you havent walked in her shoes either.

Maybe it is better that the flame of friendship is quenched, because neither of ye actually seem to appreciate each other and seem to resent each other. You seem to think she she swans around. And she seems to think you do nothing.

LegacyUser · 04-11-2014 8:36pm

Dellas1979. I have walked in her shoes and am far from judgemental. I worked running an office at the height of the boom. I worked there a long time. I had kids to come home to. However I got days off, lunch breaks, bank holidays & I got sleep at night. Now I care 24/7 & often no sleep. My issue is the snide comments from this lady who as no kids & plenty of free time. The snide comments were insinuating that she is so much busier & better then me because she has a job. They were extremely hurtful. I don't need to walk in her shoes as have wore that hat. I have tried to ask whats wrong but was given a snotty I'm busy because I work answer.

CaraMay · 04-11-2014 8:59pm

Dump her and block her. What a cow

dellas1979 · 04-11-2014 9:43pm

Sadwoman wrote: »

Dellas1979. I have walked in her shoes and am far from judgemental. I worked running an office at the height of the boom. I worked there a long time. I had kids to come home to. However I got days off, lunch breaks, bank holidays & I got sleep at night. Now I care 24/7 & often no sleep. My issue is the snide comments from this lady who as no kids & plenty of free time. The snide comments were insinuating that she is so much busier & better then me because she has a job. They were extremely hurtful. I don't need to walk in her shoes as have wore that hat. I have tried to ask whats wrong but was given a snotty I'm busy because I work answer.

You are not getting what am trying to say.

Just because you did this and that and all those things, and balanced a plate on your head {insert something else youve done}, doesnt mean she doesnt find it all hard or is busy.

I just find you incredibly judgmental.

A "who has it worse than who" competition.

It doesnt sound healthy, and if you do have friends who appreciate how hard you feel you have it (which is what it seems you want recognised), then stick with them.

December2012 · 04-11-2014 10:09pm

As I read your posts OP you seem bitter towards your friend, frustrated with your responsibilities and possibly a bit jealous?

Maybe her comments about being busy with work and catching up are nothing to do with you? Maybe it's to do with her?

The way you talk about this person - I mean why are you calling her your friend when you clearly don't like the way that the things she says and does make you feel (even if they're not directed at you)?

LegacyUser · 04-11-2014 10:15pm

You are actually totally wrong Dellas1979. If you read my post correctly you will see that it she that turns everything into a competition......... I am not looking for any recognition at all. You actually sound quite like my friend.

What I am looking for is for her to stop her snide comments, to cop on how hurtful she is being. That the fact she works does not make her a superior person. I have actually just had a family member ring me just now who has asked what her problem is as they have seen some comments.

I do have lots of friends. I don't need recognition from them as you put it. I am far from judgemental.

PinkLemonade · 04-11-2014 10:58pm

OP could you give an example of these snide comments, it's very hard to judge

Big Bag of Chips · 04-11-2014 11:06pm

Sadwoman wrote: »

What I am looking for is for her to stop her snide comments, to cop on how hurtful she is being.

Then you either tackle her on it, or you drop her as a friend...
Or you keep her as a friend with both of you (not so) secretly resenting the other.

Est28 · 05-11-2014 9:32pm

Sadwoman wrote: »

Basically I am a full time Carer. I care for my child who has very complex care needs. I have other kids too and am facing a major life change shortly. I can feel very isolated at times as all I ever see are Doctors, Therapists, hospitals etc. I go to a lot of appointments each week.

Recently a friend has been giving me the cold shoulder. I keep getting snide comments about how busy they are in work and the fact that they work etc. Fair enough they work, they also go on holidays a lot and have lunch breaks etc. These things I can only dream of. Fine that is my life and I accept it but the snide comments about how they 'work' and are tired from 'work' are very, very hurtful. I work too except it is 24/7. I have very, very little money. I don't get much sleep at night. I parent alone and my family can't really help.

I do know what it is like to work outside the home as I had a very demanding well paid employment for 16 years. I had to give this up to look after my son. My job was a walk in the park compared to what I do now on a daily basis.

How do I deal with this friend or should I just leave her to it as she would probably need to walk in my shoes to understand?

It will try not to make assumptions because maybe they ARE snide comments.
But to be honest it sounds like you're being overly-sensitive. Like, are they going out of their way to bring up the topic and pointedly make you feel bad? Because that would be horrible but really not what most people do.

People are concerned with their own stuff, not yours. If someone asks me how my week is, sometimes I'll do the same "Ah it's grand, knackered from work, we're up the walls!".
Even earlier in the week a friend asked me how work was going and I shot off for a few minutes telling her about how tiring and difficult some of the work is right now until I stopped and was like... "Sorry, I'm rambling, you don't want to be hearing all that...". But most of the time people are not conscious of it, and just go on.

It kinda sounds like your friend is just wrapped up in her own world like everyone else. Do you ever ASK her about work or what she has going on? Half the time that's the problem. If you just asked she'd know you're a good friend and she can talk about herself and then get it out of her system and the topic of conversation moves on.

You sound sort of "pity me", like you want all the attention on you.

Est28 · 05-11-2014 9:40pm

Sadwoman wrote: »

Dellas1979. I have walked in her shoes and am far from judgemental. I worked running an office at the height of the boom. I worked there a long time. I had kids to come home to. However I got days off, lunch breaks, bank holidays & I got sleep at night. Now I care 24/7 & often no sleep. My issue is the snide comments from this lady who as no kids & plenty of free time. The snide comments were insinuating that she is so much busier & better then me because she has a job. They were extremely hurtful. I don't need to walk in her shoes as have wore that hat. I have tried to ask whats wrong but was given a snotty I'm busy because I work answer.

Also... this sort of confirms what I said in my last post.

You're being totally dismissive of HER. What is it your business what she does with her "all her free time". How much do YOU connect or ask her about her?

I'm still in my late 20's, single, make a decent living and all I hear is people bitching about how I can do as I want, must have all the money and free time in the world when.... oh... woah is them... they have kids and responsibilities and blah blah blah...

Totally dismissing my life. You take care of your child, and that's great. But I don't take care of a child... but it doesn't mean I'm not on call for my job 24/7. It doesn't mean I don't have enough hours in the day to get all my work and other things I need to get done and other responsibilities, and THEN try to find some actual free time for friends or to chill out and have my own time.

Sounds like there's a pair of you there. I think she's just venting because she's busy but I couldn't blame her at this point after reading all your replies, if she did indeed act miffed by your attititude.

All you're doing is dismissing her, her job and anything important in HER life because you're painting yourself as this wonderful person who can do ALL these things. I'd be well shot of you with that attitude. Try being nicer to your friend and I'd imagine you'd get the same in return.

LegacyUser · 07-11-2014 12:38am

I have to say OP that I completely agree with Est. I really think that you are being terribly judgemental towards your friend, and in doing so, are at risk of isolating yourself.

I understand that you are under incredible stress and pressure, but your friend(s) may be under different stresses, and you just don't seem at all willing to recognise that. Just because you are under x amount of stress doesn't mean that others don't deserve to be listened to for being under y amount of stress. If you can't see this, then really you need to cut ties with your friend; although I think that will just isolate you further in terms of your stress levels.

CaraMay · 07-11-2014 6:44am

The people posting here obviously have no experience dealing with a special needs child all day. I moved from a very pressurized job into the role of carer and I can't believe how stressful it is. Nothing I've ever worked at before compares.

People are criticizing the op for being upset by her friend. In my case, if a friend were criticizing me for my choices I would be very upset too. I think it's one of those where you can't understand unless you are in the position. Fine, the op may not understand what pressure her friend is under by tun she didn't start the digs.

Neyite · 07-11-2014 10:13am

I think you should drop her OP. She displays a lack of understanding of what being a carer is. I've helped with respite care to give carers a break here and there for some years and I could NOT do it on a daily basis the way that they do. I feel emotionally drained and heartsore after helping out for a few days.

Shortly after I had my baby, I was sitting at home and though "oh, I think I'll pop out to Dunnes to see if they have any nice tops" Like I'd done a million times before.

Then I realised that I'd have to get myself and a baby organised for the trip, pack a changing bag, pack milk and food, extra nappies, clothes, time it feeds-wise, bring the buggy, remember the rain cover for the buggy, blanket, toys etc. I realised with shock that I could never just unthinkingly nip out to the shops for a very long time like I used to do. Thats only a small taster of what you face daily, not to mention battling for the meagre health services and appointments that our Health Service deign to occasionally bestow on our special needs children.

She might get it if she ever has to care for a relative, or if she has a child herself. But right now, she is unsupportive, unkind and not someone who is beneficial to have as a friend. Make friends with people you have something in common with, who's company you enjoy and ditch her.

dafunk · 07-11-2014 11:24am

It's simple. If you don't value her as a friend then end your relationship with her.
If you do value her as a friend then sit down, discuss how you're hurt by what she has said and resolve it with her. I would add though that I think there is a pair of you in it. You seem to be quite judgmental and dismissive of her stresses. From where you're standing it seems she's on easy street but maybe she hates her job and is miserable having to spend 10 hours a day in it. Maybe she's jealous of you that you have lovely kids that you spend your day with. Being at home all day with kids is not easy, I don't for one second think it's a walk in the park, but it's also a choice, whereas having to go to work everyday is not necessarily a choice.

CaraMay · 07-11-2014 11:38am

dafunk wrote: »

I don't for one second think it's a walk in the park, but it's also a choice, whereas having to go to work everyday is not necessarily a choice.

She is a carer for her special needs child. There is no choice.

dafunk · 07-11-2014 2:04pm

CaraMay wrote: »

She is a carer for her special needs child. There is no choice.

I'm not for one second undermining the job that the OP has. I can't even imagine how tough it is to be rearing kids alone and full time caring for one with special needs. It is trojan work and carers in this country are not given anyway near the supports that they need.

Perhaps I chose my words incorrectly, I was playing devils advocate really. When people have kids they choose whether to continue working or whether to be a stay at home parent. My point is that maybe for the OPs friend, these aren't choices that she has. Maybe there's a jealousy at play that she would like to be a stay at home parent. That aside, it does not justify making cruel or snide remarks.

Big Bag of Chips · 07-11-2014 2:32pm

CaraMay wrote: »

People are criticizing the op for being upset by her friend.

People are replying to you OP, because you are the one posting looking for advice. Advice is being offered. It may not be what you want to hear. It may not even be relevant to you, as you know the specifics of your situation. The only thing people have to go on is a few lines of text. If your friend was posting from her perspective she would probably be getting similar responses. People telling her that she shouldn't judge you, and she has no idea what your day to day life entails.

People post from their own perspectives. And 2 people can often have 2 very differing perspectives on exactly the same situation.

The only advice that can genuinely be offered to you to help change this situation (because I take it the reason you posted was to get advice on how to change what is happening?) is to talk to your friend about how she makes you feel. Or drop her.

LegacyUser · 07-11-2014 5:07pm

I've two cousins from two different families who have special needs. One is adopted into a family with two parents and three kids, the other is a child to a single mother. There's been a family falling out because my aunt who is the lone parent made snide comments about how much easier my uncle's family had it. Lots of snide comments about how much more support he has and as my cousin is not their biological child they can always 'give him back'.

People can be very self centered, I've friends who are lone parents who moan at me a lot at how lucky I am not having kids and I don't know how hard it is which makes me feel I can mention anything to them as if something is going well for me then it appears I'm gloating or if things are going bad I'll be mocked. I've just learned some friends are not as close to me as others and I don't share everything with them and the ones that really get on my nerves I just cut out of my life.

We don't know this woman so we don't know what is really going on in her life, looking from the outside doesn't always give a clear picture on what is going on with someone. If this woman is upsetting you so much OP then just stop talking to her....simple

Est28 · 07-11-2014 5:38pm

CaraMay wrote: »

The people posting here obviously have no experience dealing with a special needs child all day. I moved from a very pressurized job into the role of carer and I can't believe how stressful it is. Nothing I've ever worked at before compares.

People are criticizing the op for being upset by her friend. In my case, if a friend were criticizing me for my choices I would be very upset too. I think it's one of those where you can't understand unless you are in the position. Fine, the op may not understand what pressure her friend is under by tun she didn't start the digs.

And you obviously have no experience dealing with her friends job, or my job or any other job that may be high pressured and take up almost all of your time.... but that's not relevant to you is it?!?!

See, it isn't the fact that she has a child to care for... it's the fact that she insists that HER situations is SO much more important than ANYTHING anyone else could have going on. Or at least that how she's coming across...
... I get the feeling (but can't know for certain) she's probably telling her friend how AWFUL her life is and how difficult it is and how AMAZING she is for coping. To HER it is... but to her Friend... it's not... to me it's not. To me, my life and the stuff in it is most important.

It just sounds like OP shoves this in everyones face and then when others snipe back like "Eh, we have lives too...!" the OP is like "Oh, but you've no kids, no family, oh your job is easy, not like the one I had/have....".

This is like the 3/4 posts on here in the last month or so now where people complain about their kids as if they had no choice in the matter of having kids.
As I said, I'm 30 and not married nor have kids but I have a lot to take care of too and just can't listen to people going on like I have nothing to do and time to waste because I didn't CHOOSE (notice the word choose as having kids was your CHOICE, it wasn't thrust upon you) to have kids yet.

I can only imagine how hard it is to care for a special needs child. Can't be easy. But does everyone elses worlds stop because of it? No! Everyone has their own responsibilities and things they need to take care of. OP seems to want all the sympathy for her situation but downplaying everyone elses.

Tokyo · 07-11-2014 6:44pm

Mod Note:
Alright - the irony of asking everyone to stop with the snide comments is not lost on me. It's worth bearing in mind that for the most part, none of us here know the backstory of each others lives so let's not make assumptions shall we? Back to the OP's issue please...

Regards,
Mike

LegacyUser · 08-11-2014 6:20am

There's only 2 options:
1. Dump the friend
2. Talk to the friend & try to work it out.

I believe that in the OP's current mindset, (1) is the only option. I don't think (2) is possible, until OP recognises that although she's going through a hard time, it doesn't mean thst her friend doesn't have her own difficulties/stresses. I think for option (2) to be possible, she must trecognise thst she may be seeing anything less than 100% validation as 'snide', and thus making a serious error of judgement, and isolating herself. Life is short; others are willing to help/offer a listening ear; but not if they're put down and told - subtly or otherwise / that they 'have it easy'.

I do believe that until the OP recognises thst she's not the only person in the world with problems, nothing will change. I believe that she is choosing to view any comments that don't fit her view as being 'snide', but that this is just a function of her not recognising that others have their own life problems, which she is not willing to listen to at all

CaraMay · 08-11-2014 9:14am

Est28 wrote: »

And you obviously have no experience dealing with her friends job, or my job or any other job that may be high pressured and take up almost all of your time.... but that's not relevant to you is it?!?!

See, it isn't the fact that she has a child to care for... it's the fact that she insists that HER situations is SO much more important than ANYTHING anyone else could have going on. Or at least that how she's coming across...
... I get the feeling (but can't know for certain) she's probably telling her friend how AWFUL her life is and how difficult it is and how AMAZING she is for coping. To HER it is... but to her Friend... it's not... to me it's not. To me, my life and the stuff in it is most important.

It just sounds like OP shoves this in everyones face and then when others snipe back like "Eh, we have lives too...!" the OP is like "Oh, but you've no kids, no family, oh your job is easy, not like the one I had/have....".

This is like the 3/4 posts on here in the last month or so now where people complain about their kids as if they had no choice in the matter of having kids.
As I said, I'm 30 and not married nor have kids but I have a lot to take care of too and just can't listen to people going on like I have nothing to do and time to waste because I didn't CHOOSE (notice the word choose as having kids was your CHOICE, it wasn't thrust upon you) to have kids yet.

I can only imagine how hard it is to care for a special needs child. Can't be easy. But does everyone elses worlds stop because of it? No! Everyone has their own responsibilities and things they need to take care of. OP seems to want all the sympathy for her situation but downplaying everyone elses.

If you read the best line you would read that I moved from a very
Pressurised job...

Bottom line is no one needs a negative friend in their life and I certainly wouldn't entertain a friend who made snipes about my circumstances (whatever they are).