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Oh dear

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    #32
    darsheblows
    Registered Users Posts: 18 ✭darsheblows


    There's not a snowballs chance in hell of my wife ever being open to anything like that. We have a healthy sex life, but there's no such thing as experimentation, and I suppose it's experimenting that has me interested.


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    #33
    floggg
    Registered Users Posts: 5,820 ✭✭✭floggg


    darsheblows wrote: »
    There's not a snowballs chance in hell of my wife ever being open to anything like that. We have a healthy sex life, but there's no such thing as experimentation, and I suppose it's experimenting that has me interested.

    Doesn't sound too healthy if one party is feeling unfulfilled and incapable of expressing those feelings to the other.


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    #34
    darsheblows
    Registered Users Posts: 18 ✭darsheblows


    Welcome to married life in rural ireland. ha ha


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    #35
    Peregrinus
    Registered Users Posts: 26,056 ✭✭✭✭Peregrinus


    Welcome to married life, full stop. What do you want us to say? You've made a commitment of fidelity and exclusivity to this woman (and she to you). It's a big commitment, and I'm sure you didn't make it lightly. But the thing about commitments is, you're expected to stick to them. That's pretty much what "commitment" means. Sure, you are now having to stick to it in circumstances that you didn't envisage when you made the commitment, but grown-ups know that commitments are things that you need to take seriously even when they are not working out the way you expected or assumed. "I'll do this until I no longer feel like doing this" isn't really a commitment, is it?

    Your sex life is your wife's business; you have made it her business. Any explorations of the kind you are envisaging have to be discussed with her, and have to proceed with her knowledge and assent. Otherwise, you are what Dan Savage would call a CPOS (cheating piece of sh*t). And you're not that, are you?


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    #36
    darsheblows
    Registered Users Posts: 18 ✭darsheblows


    I hope not


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    #37
    Annasopra
    Registered Users Posts: 40,814 ✭✭✭✭Annasopra


    darsheblows wrote: »
    There's not a snowballs chance in hell of my wife ever being open to anything like that.

    Theres your answer then.

    It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyone's fault. If it was us, what did that make Me? After all, I'm one of Us. I must be. I've certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. No one ever thinks of themselves as one of Them. We're always one of Us. It's Them that do the bad things.

    Terry Pratchet



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    #38
    Annasopra
    Registered Users Posts: 40,814 ✭✭✭✭Annasopra


    darsheblows wrote: »
    I hope not

    You have 3 choices here
    1 Do nothing and politely ask the guy to back off
    2 Discuss the issue with your wife
    3 Pursue it and cheat on your wife

    You can choose option no 3 if you want but of course you should be aware of the potential consequences including possible marital breakdown.

    It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyone's fault. If it was us, what did that make Me? After all, I'm one of Us. I must be. I've certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. No one ever thinks of themselves as one of Them. We're always one of Us. It's Them that do the bad things.

    Terry Pratchet



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    #39
    darsheblows
    Registered Users Posts: 18 ✭darsheblows


    3 not so great choices.


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    #40
    Peregrinus
    Registered Users Posts: 26,056 ✭✭✭✭Peregrinus


    Well, any fourth choice we could suggest would certainly be even less great.

    Option 1 doesn't look so dreadful, it has to be said. Everyone who marries is making a decision that there is an array of as-yet-unknown sexual and romantic opportunities which they are ruling out. Presumably they feel that the advantages of marriage more than outweigh the disadvantages of making this choice. You might not have expected that this particular opportunity (if indeed it is an opportunity - we can't be sure it is!) is one that you would feel a twinge of regret at letting pass, but so what?

    And of course if you had made the decision not to marry, you'd have ruled out different possibilities for yourself. It's not as though marriage is a unique set of fetters.

    Growing up means the freedom of making your own choices, but also the responsibility of embracing the consequences of the choices you make. The choice to marry doesn't mean that neither of you can ever explore new developments in your sexual and romantic interests; it means you are committed to exploring them in a way that does not exclude or cheat one another. Exactly how that plays out in practice is something that you and your spouse have to nut out together as life unfolds for you.

    It's superficially tempting to say that your reluctance even to discuss your new-found curiosity with your wife points to a lack of openness and intimacy in your sexual communication with one another but, actually, that wouldn't be true. It's far more likely that you communicate very well with one another on matters of sexuality - well enough that you know how she would be affected by such a disclosure, and it's not an effect you wish to inflict upon her. In which case saying nothing to your wife and dropping the whole idea is not a failure in courage on your part.


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    #41
    Annasopra
    Registered Users Posts: 40,814 ✭✭✭✭Annasopra


    darsheblows wrote: »
    3 not so great choices.

    Welcome to the polylemma of life

    It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyone's fault. If it was us, what did that make Me? After all, I'm one of Us. I must be. I've certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. No one ever thinks of themselves as one of Them. We're always one of Us. It's Them that do the bad things.

    Terry Pratchet



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    #42
    darsheblows
    Registered Users Posts: 18 ✭darsheblows


    Polylemma indeed. Confused.com


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    #43
    Annasopra
    Registered Users Posts: 40,814 ✭✭✭✭Annasopra


    darsheblows wrote: »
    Polylemma indeed. Confused.com


    I like the word. :pac:

    http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/polylemma

    It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyone's fault. If it was us, what did that make Me? After all, I'm one of Us. I must be. I've certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. No one ever thinks of themselves as one of Them. We're always one of Us. It's Them that do the bad things.

    Terry Pratchet



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    #44
    darsheblows
    Registered Users Posts: 18 ✭darsheblows


    The polylemma just had an added dimension with said officemate noticing a reaction in my trousers to comments of his.


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    #45
    Ash885
    Registered Users Posts: 639 ✭✭✭Ash885


    ^Whatever fantasy this is becoming in your head, you owe it to your other half to tell her, so yes that you can move on/act on these impulses, but that she can sort herself out too. I'm not entertaining this notion of poor you for a minute when the poor girl herself will be crushed if something happens before being told...


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    #46
    L1011
    Moderators, Business & Finance Moderators, Motoring & Transport Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 67,698 Mod ✭✭✭✭L1011


    What's being done here appears to meet any definition out there of sexual harassment - it may be just easier for you to complain about it, to be honest.


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    #47
    blankblank
    Closed Accounts Posts: 614 ✭✭✭blankblank


    Just happened to come upon this thread and it got me interested.

    You seem to be here looking for someone to essentially tell you that its ok to cheat on your wife OP? Are you looking for someone to justify it because its with the same sex? That's what I gather from it anyway. All this talk of enjoying the flirting, thinking about it, getting an erection from it.

    Nobody on boards is qualified to tell you what to do here.

    Your an adult, Id imagine a responsible one as your in a committed relationship etc etc. So make an adult, informed decision.

    Either tell your wife what is going on and see how far that rabbit hole goes or cheat on her in private and deal with any potential consequences.

    TBH I think you've already crossed the line with this guy - the fact that he noticed something in your pants suggests numerous personal boundaries have already been crossed which will be very hard to uncross so to speak.


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    #48
    fabulousdeal
    Registered Users Posts: 44 ✭fabulousdeal


    It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt!!!


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    #49
    darsheblows
    Registered Users Posts: 18 ✭darsheblows


    Just to update .. I gave in ..


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    #50
    Rick_
    Registered Users Posts: 2,606 ✭✭✭Rick_


    Regardless of what you did and with whom, you still betrayed your wife. I feel sorry for her more than anything.


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    #51
    Davy80
    Registered Users Posts: 21 ✭Davy80


    So you gave in? do tell ....


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    #52
    darsheblows
    Registered Users Posts: 18 ✭darsheblows


    We were out for a few drinks the other night with a few other friends. Great evening. I wasn't drinking so drove them all home. Last to drop off was this guy.
    Sitting in the passenger seat. Reaches over and places his hand on my crotch. i didn't move it. Started rubbing me. I pulled over in a quiet car park and he went down on me.
    Wow


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    #53
    AdFundum
    Registered Users Posts: 84 ✭✭AdFundum


    I just can't imagine a gay guy in the workplace behaving in the way you describe - "That filing cabinet really brings out your bumcheeks" - maybe I am naive but it just doesn't make sense. OP, are you sure you didn't start the flirtation? I know what guys look like when they fancy you - and usually, they just look you up and down and a bit - the courageous ones might stutter something. I can't help but think there is something disingenuous here.


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    #54
    lyinghere
    Registered Users Posts: 132 ✭✭lyinghere


    darsheblows wrote: »
    We were out for a few drinks the other night with a few other friends. Great evening. I wasn't drinking so drove them all home. Last to drop off was this guy.
    Sitting in the passenger seat. Reaches over and places his hand on my crotch. i didn't move it. Started rubbing me. I pulled over in a quiet car park and he went down on me.
    Wow


    Literally no remorse picked up in this comment. You are cheating. In my opinion you really need to think about what you have done and evaluate next steps. Not fair on your family and lack of consideration for consequences is shocking.

    People on here might tell you it's fine and I'm being judgemental but you need to think about what your wife would think if she knew, you might think it's ok but she mostly likely would feel betrayed. It's her feelings that matter here and you took a vow to consider them.

    By making the decision to let this happen you are effectively choosing to end this marriage in my opinion, or at least that how you should be thinking about it.


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    #55
    darsheblows
    Registered Users Posts: 18 ✭darsheblows


    Of course I know it's wrong. I'm not an idiot.
    But feck it's good.


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    #56
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I'm a bit concerned at this approach that cheating is always bad
    It's not nice ,for sure, if someone you're with or married to goes off with someone else,that's true
    But against that no relationship or marriage is a prison
    Facts are if someone else attracts you such that you no longer can be happy with your current partner, then it's better to go for it rather than be miserable
    Why be miserable?
    Where kids are involved, there's thousands of examples countrywide of split parents loving their kids as much as ever

    In the op's case he's exploring a side of his life and has a decision to make
    Looking at it any other way or preaching higher moral ground should be left well out of it in my opinion save for comfort or support that the dumped partner may need
    I say best of luck to the Op


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    #57
    Annasopra
    Registered Users Posts: 40,814 ✭✭✭✭Annasopra


    Marriage isnt in general a prison. It can be a prison for some. I really dont think anyone here suggested that it is in general a prison. Its generally accepted that people who take vows are signing upto the ideas of faithfullness and monogamy.

    It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyone's fault. If it was us, what did that make Me? After all, I'm one of Us. I must be. I've certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. No one ever thinks of themselves as one of Them. We're always one of Us. It's Them that do the bad things.

    Terry Pratchet



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    #58
    SliabhnamBan
    Registered Users Posts: 5 ✭SliabhnamBan


    If, up to now, you have been happy with your wife, then steer clear of this guy and re-commit yourself to your wife.

    Why would you risk your happiness for someone you barely know?


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    #59
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Joeytheparrot wrote: »
    Marriage isnt in general a prison. It can be a prison for some. I really dont think anyone here suggested that it is in general a prison. Its generally accepted that people who take vows are signing upto the ideas of faithfullness and monogamy.
    True, but the reality is different, there are plenty thousands of happily divorced people in Ireland and rightly so All marriages or relationships are ideally a commitment but through this thread I'm sensing a condemnation of what is normal and a real politik of everyday life ie commitment s are made but circumstances sometimes intervene to mean a change


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    #60
    darsheblows
    Registered Users Posts: 18 ✭darsheblows


    Because it's fun.


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    #61
    Locker10a
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 4,142 Mod ✭✭✭✭Locker10a


    darsheblows wrote: »
    Because it's fun.

    So did you speak to this guy at all about the whole situation, I assume he knows you are "straight" ! After your encounter did you speak ? Is it not awkward at work ?


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