Too many sexual partners?

mrsbyrne

Anon_anon wrote: »

I appreciate all the advice but I was asked the question. It would have been worse had I have said 'I don't want to answer that' as it would sound like I had something to hide, which I hadn't.

We slept together on all three dates, including the first. So it's quite possible that this is only a FWB situation.

I am so tired of FWB situations. When I have really liked a guy in the past I've held off for 5 or so dates, then they just ended.

I've no idea what to do now.

If you have sex with someone on a first date then you either really really like sex and were irresitably attracted to this guy, or you have very poor self esteem. Your 24. You've discovered that having sex with everybody who asks you out will not lead to a relationship, so don't do it anymore.I promise you, and I know, if a guy likes you he will wait until ye are really in love with each other. Have your self respect. Have your dignity. Just have fun and get to know the guy for a while. Find out what he's really like. You have years and years.

joeguevara

Saipanne wrote: »

FWB?

In my experience, the most healthy and long lasting relationships were ones where we waited and took our time, even if its just a few dates. If he really wants you he will wait.

And I always avoid the question, it brought me no harm to do so.

FWB: friend with benefits!

mrsbyrne

joeguevara wrote: »

FWB: friend with benefits!

If anybody can give me an example of an FWB situation where one of the friends didn't end up hurt (usually the girl) I'd be interested to hear it.

Meauldsegosha

mrsbyrne wrote: »

If anybody can give me an example of an FWB situation where one of the friends didn't end up hurt (usually the girl) I'd be interested to hear it.

Many examples have been given on this forum and on other forums on boards. I was involved in FWB arrangement for a couple of years that worked out very well for both people. We are both in serious relationships now but still the best of friends.

LegacyUser

mrsbyrne wrote: »

Have your self respect. Have your dignity.

See this is exactly my point.

How does enjoying sex equal a lack of self respect and dignity?

In an ideal world I would love to love someone and for them to love me back and enjoy sex with them and only them, but unfortunately that isn't the case, for now. Having multiple partners for the time being has no bearing on me as a person, nor on my morals/vaules etc.

I just enjoy sex. I don't see how that makes me low in self esteem? I have great confidence.

I recognise that is only one opinion out of many in the thread, majority of which I have taken on board. I am not obliged to answer the question, so in future I will have my wits about me. Many thanks.

Tasden

mrsbyrne wrote: »

If you have sex with someone on a first date then you either really really like sex and were irresitably attracted to this guy, or you have very poor self esteem. Your 24. You've discovered that having sex with everybody who asks you out will not lead to a relationship, so don't do it anymore.I promise you, and I know, if a guy likes you he will wait until ye are really in love with each other. Have your self respect. Have your dignity. Just have fun and get to know the guy for a while. Find out what he's really like. You have years and years.

Or she has a normal sex drive and wanted to have sex with the person when she felt chemistry between them?

Having sex with a person does not equate to a lack of self respect or dignity, no matter how early on they decide to do it. Yes, some people with low self esteem may have sex for the wrong reasons but having sex with someone you're attracted to is not an indication of self esteem issues or a lack of dignity. Nor does someone need to wait til she is really in love with someone to have sex with them. Of course if that is what they are comfortable doing then that's brilliant and fair play to them for doing what they feel is right by them but to imply that doing otherwise means they have low self esteem, or that it will not lead to a normal healthy relationship is ridiculous imo

LegacyUser

Tasden wrote: »

Or she has a normal sex drive and wanted to have sex with the person when she felt chemistry between them?

Having sex with a person does not equate to a lack of self respect or dignity, no matter how early on they decide to do it. Yes, some people with low self esteem may have sex for the wrong reasons but having sex with someone you're attracted to is not an indication of self esteem issues or a lack of dignity. Nor does someone need to wait til she is really in love with someone to have sex with them. Of course if that is what they are comfortable doing then that's brilliant and fair play to them for doing what they feel is right by them but to imply that doing otherwise means they have low self esteem, or that it will not lead to a normal healthy relationship is ridiculous imo

Apologies 'Tasden', I didn't see this post.

You summed up how I feel perfectly.

It is the above perception that led me to posting this thread.

I wasn't sure if most people shared the same opinion as 'mrsbyrne', in which case I'm totally oblivious to, or if mrsbyrne's opinion was an old fashioned opinion shared by few.

Having read the replies in the thread the answer seems to be the latter which I am happy about.

Barely There

anon_anon wrote: »

See this is exactly my point.

How does enjoying sex equal a lack of self respect and dignity?

In an ideal world I would love to love someone and for them to love me back and enjoy sex with them and only them, but unfortunately that isn't the case, for now. Having multiple partners for the time being has no bearing on me as a person, nor on my morals/vaules etc.

I just enjoy sex. I don't see how that makes me low in self esteem? I have great confidence.

I recognise that is only one opinion out of many in the thread, majority of which I have taken on board. I am not obliged to answer the question, so in future I will have my wits about me. Many thanks.

If you want to have lots of sex with lots of different partners, that's fine.

However, you are unable to control how guys will judge you on this.

Some will probably be fine with it, some may not.

The only sensible solution is the next time you're asked about your PSH, you tell the guy that it's none of his business (in a nice way).

Personally, I would find it very off-putting to be asked such questions at any time in a relationship, but even more so after a few dates.

I've only ever been with one girl who was into knowing the ins and outs (so to speak) of my PSH, and she was very insecure and a bit crazy.

I'm married over 10yrs now and never had this conversation with my wife.

Tasden

anon_anon wrote: »

Apologies 'Tasden', I didn't see this post.

You summed up how I feel perfectly.

It is the above perception that led me to posting this thread.

I wasn't sure if most people shared the same opinion as 'mrsbyrne', in which case I'm totally oblivious to, or if mrsbyrne's opinion was an old fashioned opinion shared by few.

Having read the replies in the thread the answer seems to be the latter which I am happy about.

Tbh, knowing yourself and your own morals and making up your own mind about your sex life and relationships rather than letting other people's morals dictate what you do shows you have enormous self esteem imo.

As long as you're comfortable and happy then do what feels right. If you think that waiting in future will leave you feeling less confused about a mans intentions then try that approach for a while, but not because somebody thinks you should do it to prove you have dignity or self esteem!

Czarcasm

anon_anon wrote: »

Apologies 'Tasden', I didn't see this post.

You summed up how I feel perfectly.

It is the above perception that led me to posting this thread.

I wasn't sure if most people shared the same opinion as 'mrsbyrne', in which case I'm totally oblivious to, or if mrsbyrne's opinion was an old fashioned opinion shared by few.

Having read the replies in the thread the answer seems to be the latter which I am happy about.

OP the thing is that often in threads like these, it can be a case of telling the OP what they want to hear, but this shouldn't be seen as a reflection of reality (which was Frank's point earlier), and there's nothing 'old fashioned' about mrsbyrne's opinion, which is actually far, FAR more common in modern society than the minority of opinions you'll hear here that you might think wouldn't be 'old fashioned'.

If you actually think about it, your problem actually seems to stem from the fact that offline you've met a guy who was of the same opinion as mrsbyrne. The double standard DOES exist, and chances are it will always exist, and always be the majority opinion.

You can't live your life by other peoples standards, be happy with your own standards and what you feel is right for you, and if a guy is put out by the fact that you've previously had sex, then it's their issue, and certainly not yours.

coffee_cake

mrsbyrne wrote: »

If you have sex with someone on a first date then you either really really like sex and were irresitably attracted to this guy, or you have very poor self esteem. Your 24. You've discovered that having sex with everybody who asks you out will not lead to a relationship, so don't do it anymore.I promise you, and I know, if a guy likes you he will wait until ye are really in love with each other. Have your self respect. Have your dignity. Just have fun and get to know the guy for a while. Find out what he's really like. You have years and years.

She stated clearly that she usually waits several dates.
Waiting until you're "in love" is fine for some but many/most people don't and it certainly does not indicate a lack of anything.

beks101

OP you seem to want more than another FWB situation. You are quite right that you are perfectly entitled to do as you please with your body and have as much casual sex as you want.

BUT. Are you 1,000,000 % sure you are comfortable with that? As Czarcasm said, the simple fact is there ARE lots of people out there who will be put off by your attitude towards sex if youre not subtle about it, and indeed as you've found sex on the first night will be a dealbreaker for lots of them. I've certain met lots of them and I was like you at your age - high sex drive, single, would meet someone I fancied and find it hard to resist having sex with them.

And quite often it would be game over for them, they'd vanish, 'chase' was over, they got what they wanted, end of. Which over time I found a bit exhausting and even hurtful, because when I got real with myself, I realized that sex was an intimate thing for me, I'd feel closer to the guy after and would almost always want to see him again. Which frequently wasnt the same mentality I'd find in the guys I was with.

Personally I decided to be a bit more selective and focus more on getting to know the guy, establishing an element of trust and friendship with him as a priority, and taking the focus off sex for the first couple of dates or weeks. That way, when we'd end up in bed together, my emotional as well as physical needs were more likely to be fulfilled, as the guy was already engaged.

And that's sort of how relationships have happened for me (sex has tended to be better too because of the build up!)

My sex drive never disappeared and I'd still find myself often wanting to rip my date's clothes off on the first night. But as I got older I learned not to because it never led to anything 'real' for me.

mrsbyrne

I honestly didn't mean to offend you and I'm sorry if I did. I guess I was reading between the lines in your op and felt that you are ready now to have an exclusive monogomous relationship. If that is the case I would advise taking things very very slowly with a lot more getting to know you time before committing to an intimate sexual relationship. I'm of the opinion that engaging in sexual intercourse changes the whole dynamic of a relationship..Others may disagree. Its just my opinion.
The whole issue of discussing previous lovers especially with a brand new boyfriend and someone you may be interested in long term is ridiculous. Just no. Pointless.u

mrsbyrne

bluewolf wrote: »

She stated clearly that she usually waits several dates.
Waiting until you're "in love" is fine for some but many/most people don't and it certainly does not indicate a lack of anything.

She said she had sex with this man on each of the three dates she had with him. I disagree . I think that it definitely shows a lack of self esteem to want to have sex with a virtual stranger, which is what sex on a first date is.

LegacyUser

beks101 wrote: »

OP you seem to want more than another FWB situation. You are quite right that you are perfectly entitled to do as you please with your body and have as much casual sex as you want.

BUT. Are you 1,000,000 % sure you are comfortable with that? As Czarcasm said, the simple fact is there ARE lots of people out there who will be put off by your attitude towards sex if youre not subtle about it, and indeed as you've found sex on the first night will be a dealbreaker for lots of them. I've certain met lots of them and I was like you at your age - high sex drive, single, would meet someone I fancied and find it hard to resist having sex with them.

And quite often it would be game over for them, they'd vanish, 'chase' was over, they got what they wanted, end of. Which over time I found a bit exhausting and even hurtful, because when I got real with myself, I realized that sex was an intimate thing for me, I'd feel closer to the guy after and would almost always want to see him again. Which frequently wasnt the same mentality I'd find in the guys I was with.

Personally I decided to be a bit more selective and focus more on getting to know the guy, establishing an element of trust and friendship with him as a priority, and taking the focus off sex for the first couple of dates or weeks. That way, when we'd end up in bed together, my emotional as well as physical needs were more likely to be fulfilled, as the guy was already engaged.

And that's sort of how relationships have happened for me (sex has tended to be better too because of the build up!)

My sex drive never disappeared and I'd still find myself often wanting to rip my date's clothes off on the first night. But as I got older I learned not to because it never led to anything 'real' for me.

Thank you beks that was lovely.

I won't lie, there most certainly is an underlying issue there alright. I would love nothing more than to be in a relationship with someone who I was seriously attracted to but unfortunately I am not.

I have taken time out in recent months to try and focus on myself. Eating better, exercising frequently, joining group activities etc. However, this has only increased my sex drive more and seeing as I'm not in a relationship there's no other option.

Sometimes it is a case of 'just sex', but you are right. If I were to be 100% honest with myself, more times than not I have been disappointed that it hasn't turned into something more. However I will say, it is very difficult to establish in your head sometimes how you truly feel. Sometimes I find myself convincing myself that I am OK with something, when in fact I really am not. I often find trying to establish how I 'really' feel quite difficult, like 'how do you feel OP? My answer - 'God I actually don't know how I feel', if that makes sense?

Having genuinely taken on board the advice here though, I am going to 'hold off' for a few dates. As Tasden said though, I won't be doing it to justify some sort of self worth, I will be doing it merely as a test for myself.

@Mrsbyrne, I meant no offence when I referred to your 'old fashioned views'. You of course are entitled to your own opinion too. Thank you all

mrsbyrne

Tasden wrote: »

Or she has a normal sex drive and wanted to have sex with the person when she felt chemistry between them?

Having sex with a person does not equate to a lack of self respect or dignity, no matter how early on they decide to do it. Yes, some people with low self esteem may have sex for the wrong reasons but having sex with someone you're attracted to is not an indication of self esteem issues or a lack of dignity. Nor does someone need to wait til she is really in love with someone to have sex with them. Of course if that is what they are comfortable doing then that's brilliant and fair play to them for doing what they feel is right by them but to imply that doing otherwise means they have low self esteem, or that it will not lead to a normal healthy relationship is ridiculous imo

For the OP it has never lead to a normal healthy relationship, which is what she would appear now to be looking for.

coffee_cake

Anon_anon wrote: »

I appreciate all the advice but I was asked the question. It would have been worse had I have said 'I don't want to answer that' as it would sound like I had something to hide, which I hadn't.

We slept together on all three dates, including the first. So it's quite possible that this is only a FWB situation.

I am so tired of FWB situations. When I have really liked a guy in the past I've held off for 5 or so dates, then they just ended.

I've no idea what to do now.

mrsbyrne wrote: »

For the OP it has never lead to a normal healthy relationship, which is what she would appear now to be looking for.

See above

hullaballoo

No one needs to know this stuff.

No one.

sam34

mrsbyrne wrote: »

If anybody can give me an example of an FWB situation where one of the friends didn't end up hurt (usually the girl) I'd be interested to hear it.

*waves*

I've had a few FWB arrangements, am currently on my fourth.

Two of them lasted over a year, one lasted a few years and the fourth is ongoing.


Nobody ended up hurt, or upset, or wanting 'more', the arrangements were what they were and suited both of us at the time. Honesty was a fundamental part of the process. Given my time over, I'd do the same again in a heartbeat.

And I'm female, btw.

Tasden

mrsbyrne wrote: »

For the OP it has never lead to a normal healthy relationship, which is what she would appear now to be looking for.

For the op none of those men led to a normal healthy relationship, who is to say it had anything to do with them having sex? Even if op had held off, which she said she did a few times I think, it still may not have developed into anything.

Saulcortez

mrsbyrne wrote: »

She said she had sex with this man on each of the three dates she had with him. I disagree . I think that it definitely shows a lack of self esteem to want to have sex with a virtual stranger, which is what sex on a first date is.

Why? Maybe she just enjoys sex with strangers. It 's a known fantasy and turn on for many women.

Starokan

There is never a right answer to this question, it usually just leads to some form of judgement which is never healthy, I have found that usually whomever is asking this has some form of insecurity issue going on and its generally best to avoid topic.

Invariably if the number is high you are classed as slut / gigolo depending on your gender. This classification I find funny as a person who is single might have say 10 partners over 2/3 years much of which could be one night stands. During that same period a person in a long term relationship could have sex many many more times the only difference being it is with the same person.

Its a sad reflection on our society that people can still be judged for their sex lives.

In general op I would say if you are asked this question again respond by asking why exactly do you want to know and what would be gained by talking about it?

Czarcasm

OP I went back and read through the thread again, and from your OP, well, tbh it just reads like you feel you need to justify your own decisions and you're looking for your choices to be validated by complete strangers online, because you're already all too aware of how your friends would judge you. It's all fine to say "I like having sex", but you need to own your choices and understand that it's not unfair that people don't agree with you. You're responsible for your decisions, so you must also take responsibility for the consequences.

anon_anon wrote: »

Hi all

I recently started dating a guy and we've been on three dates so far.

The conversation of 'how many sexual partners have you had?' arose, and me being a very honest person I told him straight, approx 30.

am female, 24 years old and as far as I know it is a lot.

I haven't heard much from him since, which is odd considering his number was 50+.

So you don't want to be judged for your number of sexual partners, yet you claim it's by someone else's standards to be a lot, and not only that, but you consider the guys "number" (jesus I cringe every time I have to write that!), is somehow relevant. You haven't given any thought to the fact his disappearance might be for some other reason entirely? You say yourself it's odd, so why would it be the first reason then that'd spring to mind?

The amount of sexual partners someone has had doesn't really bother me. I don't believe a girl is a slut because she enjoys sex, and I don't agree a guy is a pimp because he also enjoys sex. Sex is just sex imo.

If I'd a dime for every time I heard a girl say that, as if it's me needs to be convinced, when the reality is she would usually know me well enough to know I really couldn't give a flying... I'm all too aware the double standard exists, and while it's meaningless to me, often times it comes across like the girl is trying to reason with herself that having a healthy sex life is "acceptable for a woman, who should be seen as all virtuous 'n' shìt". You'll hurt your brain thinking too much about what other people might think of you for whatever decisions you make in life.

Would this put most guys off? I've read on boards a lot (especially in this forum), that if a guy is going to judge you based on the amount of sexual partners you've had then he needs to mature. Although this may be the online boards opinion, the majority of people in reality don't seem to agree with this opinion.

If you're old enough to have decided to have sex, you shouldn't need to rely on anyone else to validate your opinion, they're not in the bed with you, so their opinions can only take you so far, and for your own sake it's best if you're comfortable with your own decisions, because you're the only person who will have to live with the consequences, both good (hell, when it's good it's really, really good!), and the bad (when it's bad, it's really, really shìt!).

I should say, I am a really nice girl, if my friends were to describe me they'd say I was one of the sweetest, friendliest girls you could meet. They would be shocked if they knew how many people I have slept with, it is something which I keep to myself.

Why would they be shocked? You consider these people your friends, yet you worry that they'd overlook everything else about you and judge you negatively based on your sex life? You're not giving your friends much credit here, and not only that, but it goes against your whole "I don't believe a girl is a slut (hate that word) because she enjoys sex" philosophy, simply because you think your friends will think you're a slut because you enjoy sex. You're projecting your own preconceived notions upon your friends instead of giving them credit for being able to make up their own minds.

If you take nothing else from this thread - One thing I've learned in life is to surround yourself with people who you can be yourself around, and that way you'll never feel like you have to hide who you are as a whole person.

I find it most unfair if a guy was to judge me based on this. However, I do not feel I should have to lie about the 'number' in order for a guy to 'approve' of me.

It's about as unfair as the multitude of other ways in which people will judge you tbh. By all means you don't have to lie about your PSH, but then you have to accept the consequences of your decision, no matter how you might feel that it's unfair that you don't meet someone else's standards. You really can't have it both ways -

Either your PSH is relevant, in which case you're acknowledging the double standard that exists in wider society, or your PSH is irrelevant, in which case you live your life by your own standards. I know whose standards I'd rather live by.

Comments/opinions appreciated.

Thanks

Hopefully OP you won't take the above as being too hard on you, but what I've written above is pretty much what I've said to any of my women friends who have found themselves in your position, and it's with the most genuine of intent in order to get them to think for themselves. These are incredibly smart girls tbh, and you come across as quite an intelligent girl (I often have trouble articulating my thoughts on paper so to speak), but hopefully you'll get the general idea.

Fat Christy

Hi OP

Like other posters have said, I don't think it is something I would discuss with someone who I have only been on 3 dates with. My sexual preferences and how many people I have slept with is, quite frankly, nobody else's business.

I have discussed it with my bf but that was after a year of being together and more to do with curiosity than anything else. I was a virgin before I met him so I was curious about a few things. The amount of people someone slept with would not bother me in the slightest but if some guy/girl asked me that on the 3rd date, I'd tell him/her where to go. I wouldn't even discuss my sexual preferences with my friends, it's a very personal thing to me.

Getting back to the matter at hand, I honestly doubt that he stopped seeing you because of this. Like other posters have said, I'd say there is some other issue here. And in your defence, I doubt it's to do with sleeping with these guys. I was mad about my bf when I first met him. I think I slept with him the 3rd time I had met him and kept seeing him for 3 months before we got together. After the 3 month mark, I put my foot down and said it's like this, we get together or you can feck off. Men aren't mind readers you know, I like to be very cards on the table about things. If you meet someone and there's a spark there, let them know how you feel.

Do you really like this guy?

LegacyUser

Fat Christy wrote: »

Hi OP

Do you really like this guy?

Hi Fat Christy

No I do not really like the guy. His company is enjoyable to a certain extent but I would never enter a relationship with him as he is extremely crude and isn't really what you would call a 'gent'.

I was more offended at the fact that it may have been my sexual history that put him off, however I jumped to that conclusion myself. As someone else said, he may just not be that into me which is fair enough.

I am 100% going to hold off in future and see how it goes.

Fat Christy

anon_anon wrote: »

Hi Fat Christy

No I do not really like the guy. His company is enjoyable to a certain extent but I would never enter a relationship with him as he is extremely crude and isn't really what you would call a 'gent'.

I was more offended at the fact that it may have been my sexual history that put him off, however I jumped to that conclusion myself. As someone else said, he may just not be that into me which is fair enough.

I am 100% going to hold off in future and see how it goes.

Ooooohhhh, well that makes A LOT more sense! I agree with Beks, a bit more grafting will have to be done if you want to have a relationship with someone. Get to know the person a bit first and then take it from there. It'll be worth the wait.

I wouldn't even worry about it, he's just some random guy. If he was put off by that fcuk him, his loss.

Frank Lee Midere

Saulcortez wrote: »

It baffles me how you think someone who has had 50 sexual partners must therefore have been unfaithful.

It baffles me that people can't read simple sentences.

jimd2

mrsbyrne wrote: »

She said she had sex with this man on each of the three dates she had with him. I disagree . I think that it definitely shows a lack of self esteem to want to have sex with a virtual stranger, which is what sex on a first date is.

Mrsbyrne, I don't think that it is an indicator of low self esteem. They may be situations in which it is but there could be many situations where it is not and there are many girls with confidence and want to have sex from the get go with anyone they date and that is their perogative.

It is over 20 years since I was "on the scene" and I never expected girls to have sex on the early dates. Because of that I generally dated girls that I knew didn't jump into bed on the first date. I didn't think any less of them or counted them as sluts but just didn't regard them as my type. If you are part of a general group you might indirectly be putting some of the guys off and these guys might be ones that would ordinarily be looking for a relationship.

Of the guys that do want to kick things off with one night stands I would hazard a guess that 50% are only interested in 1 or 2 hook ups and then maybe 50% are willing and interested in taking things further. So there is a fair chance that you are indirectly reducing your opportunities of hooking guys that are interested in a relationship. Some guys are just not interested in are.ationship and they would need to be head over heels about someone to pursue a relationship with them.

The awkward thing for you is that because you often sleep with guys on the first date it is hard to roll back from that standard especially if new guys know your previous guys. I think that you should try to do as advised here and refrain from bedding guys early on. It will be difficult as you should not come across as frigid in your attempt to set standards for yourself . You need to make them see what he is missing and that you have a desire just holding back for a time.

Frank Lee Midere

Clearly there is a disconnect between real life and the Internet. My score ( at 39) is 20. 7 girlfriends. 12 one night stands. One other. That's above average in theory.

The 12 came in one year when I broke up badly. After a while I realised I wasn't really enjoying it. I don't mention them to my present partner who knows about the 6 gfs. So I lie. Or don't tell.

Anyway the idea that PSH doesn't matter is nonsense. If you like someone at work and he says he likes you and you sleep with him only to find out he has slept with the office, and many more because he has a "normal healthy appetite" and "50 a year isn't that much", do you take his claim that you are now the one seriously?

Not only is this Internet only logic, it's Internet only logic confined to certain types of threads.

Frank Lee Midere

It's not impossible for someone who slept with the office to now like you and to be legitimately into you and legitimately monogamous in intent. It's a risky bet though.