Husband makes me feel worthless and makes no effort

Pawwed Rig

I think that is a good first step and well done to you for doing it. Try to keep it non confrontational.
I would say the next move is his. The next time you are chatting (after the storm blows over) ask him if he had thought about what you had said to him. In the meantime try finding leaflets/brochures on marriage guidance.

Thomas D

I'd leave him. Why do people tolerate such slobs? There's a certain level of compromise with a partner but sometimes it's just better to drop them and look elsewhere. Life is too short.

username123

Thomas D wrote: »

I'd leave him. Why do people tolerate such slobs? There's a certain level of compromise with a partner but sometimes it's just better to drop them and look elsewhere. Life is too short.

Because you marry someone you love and its important to support your partner through difficult times. If this turns out to be a mental health issue then the OP is absolutely right to try and support her husband. It may turn out it is not a mental health issue and if thats the case then at least she knows she tried.

OP - I think you have taken a good first step. Given the outbursts/cold shoulder behaviour - would you consider writing how you feel (a lot of the content of your posts here) down and giving it to him to read in his own time?

I think its important having taken the first step to keep the pressure gently on to actually make some changes or see a medical professional. Dont let this go away.

LegacyUser

username123 wrote: »

Because you marry someone you love and its important to support your partner through difficult times. If this turns out to be a mental health issue then the OP is absolutely right to try and support her husband. It may turn out it is not a mental health issue and if thats the case then at least she knows she tried.

That is how I feel about it.
I did marry someone I love and he wasn't like this when I married him. I wouldn't have married him if he was like this prior to us getting married.
We were together a long time before getting married so I don't think he duped me into anything with any sort of act.

username123 wrote: »

OP - I think you have taken a good first step. Given the outbursts/cold shoulder behaviour - would you consider writing how you feel (a lot of the content of your posts here) down and giving it to him to read in his own time?

I think its important having taken the first step to keep the pressure gently on to actually make some changes or see a medical professional. Dont let this go away.

I think writing to down might be a good idea because I find that the minute he hears something negative he turns off and whether that is he stops listening or starts screaming and shouting.

I am going to try to keep pushing him along.

acequion

Thomas D wrote: »

I'd leave him. Why do people tolerate such slobs? There's a certain level of compromise with a partner but sometimes it's just better to drop them and look elsewhere. Life is too short.

Do you seriously think that's helpful,Thomas D? They're not a pair of teenagers,but a married couple. You don't just up and leave someone like that.When you love someone you want to give a relationship every chance,and that is what the OP is doing and she's come on this forum for some constructive advice.

Well done,OP! You've taken the first step. Do some research into passive / aggressive behaviour. The silent treatment,cold shoulder is the former and the shouting,screaming is the latter,both defensive strategies which he uses and both linked to various mental problems.

Good luck and as someone else said,stay on it and don't let your new assertiveness slide!

Thomas D

acequion wrote: »

Do you seriously think that's helpful,Thomas D? They're not a pair of teenagers,but a married couple. You don't just up and leave someone like that.When you love someone you want to give a relationship every chance,and that is what the OP is doing and she's come on this forum for some constructive advice.

Well done,OP! You've taken the first step. Do some research into passive / aggressive behaviour. The silent treatment,cold shoulder is the former and the shouting,screaming is the latter,both defensive strategies which he uses and both linked to various mental problems.

Good luck and as someone else said,stay on it and don't let your new assertiveness slide!

That's not how real life works. Why should she be the one looking for all the solutions when he is never going to meet her half way?

Raminahobbin

Thomas D wrote: »

That's not how real life works. Why should she be the one looking for all the solutions when he is never going to meet her half way?

Because when you marry someone you become their main support in life.

Nobody is telling the OP to sacrifice her own happiness for her husband, but she obviously wants to make sure she has tried everything she can to save her marriage. Nobody but her will know when enough is enough, but until then -especially if it's a mental health problem -she wants to try to find a solution.

username123

worthlessandbelittled wrote: »

That is how I feel about it.
I did marry someone I love and he wasn't like this when I married him. I wouldn't have married him if he was like this prior to us getting married.
We were together a long time before getting married so I don't think he duped me into anything with any sort of act.



I think writing to down might be a good idea because I find that the minute he hears something negative he turns off and whether that is he stops listening or starts screaming and shouting.

I am going to try to keep pushing him along.

The good thing about writing things down is it removes tone and gives you a chance to word what you want to say, stops you from blurting something negative out!

I definitely think it's worth a try.

macplato

Well done on opening up and telling your husband that there is a problem, OP. I agree with what Thomas D said though - it is not up to you to come up with solutions, it's up to your husband to respond to what you said to him, by providing you with a solution - if he cares for you, he will.

I suggest that instead of "putting pressure on him", you ask him today how he feels about what you said yesterday. Ask him if he is willing to make some changes, and let him tell you what he is going to do. Then tell him whether this suits you or not. If you can't reach a compromise, and you want to try to work on the marriage, I'd suggest that you put a boundary in place ("if you don't wash, I will not sleep with you, and won't hug or kiss you, because it's too unpleasant for me" - or whatever you feel you need to do), and ask your husband to go to marriage counseling with you.

LegacyUser

acequion - he is very very passive aggressive. I think it's obvious that he doesn't meet anything head on so he tends to be passive aggressive in many ways.

Thomas D - I don't want to think that he is "never going to meet me half way", that remains to be seen. Yes, I am trying to be optimistic, maybe that's silly of me but I'm just hoping if I push and he joins me that we can make it better.

I want to know that I've done everything and tried everything to make this better and if it works then that's exactly what I want and if it doesn't then I will move on very reluctantly.

username123 - I am going to write down everything tonight and have a think on it for a day or two, maybe try a few drafts.

I agree macplato, I am hopeful that after what I have said to him already that he has been thinking about things and digesting what I said and trying to come up with ways to deal with this and make it better, the same way as I am.
I will try what you say about letting him tell me what he proposes and see where we go from there.

Thanks again everyone.

ABajaninCork

I think your husband has realised you hit a nerve when you started to tell him. But - being a man, he doesn't want to admit you have a point. That may be why he's resorting to passive aggressive behaviour and outbursts.

The others are right. Stick at it. Did you ask him tonight if he gave any thought to what you discussed yesterday? What was his reaction to you telling him he stank. For instance - did he shower and put on fresh clothes this morning?

The only thing I would say is that he should shower EVERY DAY. Every other day isn't cutting it, especially as he has a physical job.

Hope it works out for you!

LegacyUser

Well if you could have seen my face when I got home today.

My husband was on a day off today. When I got home he had done loads of work in our yard and garden, cutting hedges, clearing the yard, cleaning the gutters, he had done all his washing, made his own dinner, had a shower, bought us some drinks and has some new music downloaded for us to listen to.
I am amazed.

I haven't even had a full chat with him yet, just our brief chat the other night.
I am amazed.

ABajaninCork

Blimey squared! Fair play to him. Your words must've had some effect.

Men are like dogs. They LOVE praise! Did you thank him for the work, and tell him how nice he looks?? I'm serious - might be incentive for him to keep going.

I'd still have that chat with him though, but leave it on the back burner for a while to see how he does...

Good luck!

macplato

Well, how about that! I agree with ABajaninCork - show your husband how much you enjoy his clean, fresh-smelling self, and thank him for all his work (though somehow I think you've done it already). I also think you still need to have that follow-up conversation with him, but it seems that the chat will be more light-hearted than we all expected. Really happy for you, OP.

Fingers crossed this is the beginning of a lasting change!

Tokyo

ABajaninCork wrote: »

being a man, he doesn't want to admit you have a point.

ABajaninCork wrote: »

Men are like dogs. They LOVE praise!

ABajaninCork - less of the sweeping generalisations, thanks.

Regards,
Mike

LegacyUser

ABajaninCork wrote: »

Blimey squared! Fair play to him. Your words must've had some effect.

Men are like dogs. They LOVE praise! Did you thank him for the work, and tell him how nice he looks?? I'm serious - might be incentive for him to keep going.

I'd still have that chat with him though, but leave it on the back burner for a while to see how he does...

Good luck!

Oh I did! I gave him tonnes of praise. He also agreed with me when I said "wasn't it nice to be outside in the sun working on your home and feel productive".
I told him the garden looked great and to keep going with it (we have a huge garden and yard) and he said "yeah it'll be nice during the summer, we can get some furniture". He never wants to spend money on the house so i was delighted to hear this.

I'm going to leave the chat, give it a couple of weeks and see if he carries on with improving himself.

I walked out to the hall and said "what's that smell?" and he said "oh i had a shower, it must be me" so i gave him a hug and said "you smell lovely".
It feels a bit childish and silly to say things like that but if that'😕s what it takes then so be it.

Thanks so much for all the posts. Hopefully this is a fresh start.

LegacyUser

Oh and he is going to take me and my sister and her husband out for dinner tomorrow night. I'm walking around with a surprised smile on my face since I got home.

Pawwed Rig

That is great news OP but I would caution that 1 shower does not a change make. I still think you both need to address the underlying issues here.

Probably best to let it go for today though and enjoy your evening

acequion

Oh OP that's great! I think it proves that deep down he realises that he has a problem and as the only one who can fix it is him,today is a great start.

The others are right. Plenty of praise and encouragement is the way to go,for now.

Fingers crossed for you.:)

tinkerbell

That's great OP. Maybe the brief chat yesterday (even though it wasn't a major brutally honest chat) has given him the kick up the backside that he needed. Hopefully this is a turning point. If not, you'll need to have the proper chat. But for now, see how it goes.

Azwaldo55

worthlessandbelittled wrote: »

Hello

I have been debating about posting this thread for a number of weeks now because I don't want it to seem like I'm whinging over things that don't matter but I need some advice.

I am having a number of issues with my husband and I just can't seem to get through to him about any of them.

The first one is in relation to his hygiene. He just can't be bothered showering or changing his clothes. He has gone 10 - 14 days without taking a shower and in that period of time may only change his clothes 3-4 times (including underwear). It turns my stomach. I'm not a clean freak or anything like that but there are times when there is a very obvious smell off him. For example, last weekend he turned over in bed to face me and between the odour from his body and his smelly breath I actually had to get up out of the bed it was that bad.
I have to change the bed sheets at least 3 times a week otherwise they begin to smell horrendous too.
Aside from the obvious, i.e. the smell etc. I find it very unattractive that he makes no effort with himself, it makes him seem like he doesn't value himself at all.
I'm sure it will be obvious as well that our sex life isn't great if he's not showering. He just shows no interest.
We were last intimate about 6 months ago. I am a young woman and this is not enough for me. Aside from the lack of sex he shows me no affection, we kiss each other goodbye in the morning and say "I love you" but I feel like it's just part of the routine now.
I try to be affectionate with him but I have to be honest that the smell is so bad sometimes that I don't even want to hug him as it turns my stomach.
I have spoken to him many times about this but at the end of the day, I don't want to feel like his mother telling him to shower and change his clothes.
I have tried saying things like "there will be no blow jobs unless you have a shower" and try to say this in a playful way but because he shows so little interest in sex, it doesn't really have an impact.
What can I do? He's a grown man, he's 10 years older than me, and I do not want to feel like I have to order him about like a child.
My sister even said to me recently that she thought there was a bit of smell off him but I had to cover it up and say he spilled something on himself as I was so embarrassed.
I believe both people in a relationship are a reflection of each other and I always put my best self forward for him.

The other issue then is a bit more serious, to me anyway.
I feel that my husband has no respect for my job or the fact that I work very hard 5 days a week.
I work in a very busy office (I don't want to give away too much detail). My job involves working directly alongside the boss of the office. I have 3 people on a team who report to me and all in all, the office is a great environment, there isn't any clash of personalities even though the 3 people who report to me are older than me. I really enjoy my job. Like every job, there are bad points and it's not perfect but I love the work and we all get along well. My boss, who I work alongside, always has so much praise for me and my work and the various people that we both interact with in the course of our work always report back to my boss about how good I am etc.
However, my husband puts little to no value on my job. He finished college last year and has been working in a good job for the past 6 months. We both work the same hours but I have no problem saying his work is more physical than mine but it's just different and that's something that he just can't understand. He compares our work like for like and says that his job is so much harder than mine. He regularly says "sure your job is just sitting at a desk all day long" (which it isn't) "sure what are you tired from? you're only sitting down all day long" (which I'm not).
He makes me feel worthless and really belittles me.
He also uses his more "physical" job as a reason to do nothing around the house. This isn't a big deal but it ties in with him belittling my job. He will say things like "sure you can do x and y because you're just sitting down all day long".
I have spoken with him about this a few times but he just brushes it off.

Does anybody have any advice?

Tell him you are going to leave him unless he washes himself and he stops belittling you.

This man is a pig and you don't deserve this.

If he changes it had better be permanent or you are going and that's it.

franklyon

Azwaldo55 wrote: »

Tell him you are going to leave him unless he washes himself and he stops belittling you.

This man is a pig and you don't deserve this.

If he changes it had better be permanent or you are going and that's it.

Did you even bother reading the whole thread?