Husband makes me feel worthless and makes no effort

LegacyUser

Hello

I have been debating about posting this thread for a number of weeks now because I don't want it to seem like I'm whinging over things that don't matter but I need some advice.

I am having a number of issues with my husband and I just can't seem to get through to him about any of them.

The first one is in relation to his hygiene. He just can't be bothered showering or changing his clothes. He has gone 10 - 14 days without taking a shower and in that period of time may only change his clothes 3-4 times (including underwear). It turns my stomach. I'm not a clean freak or anything like that but there are times when there is a very obvious smell off him. For example, last weekend he turned over in bed to face me and between the odour from his body and his smelly breath I actually had to get up out of the bed it was that bad.
I have to change the bed sheets at least 3 times a week otherwise they begin to smell horrendous too.
Aside from the obvious, i.e. the smell etc. I find it very unattractive that he makes no effort with himself, it makes him seem like he doesn't value himself at all.
I'm sure it will be obvious as well that our sex life isn't great if he's not showering. He just shows no interest.
We were last intimate about 6 months ago. I am a young woman and this is not enough for me. Aside from the lack of sex he shows me no affection, we kiss each other goodbye in the morning and say "I love you" but I feel like it's just part of the routine now.
I try to be affectionate with him but I have to be honest that the smell is so bad sometimes that I don't even want to hug him as it turns my stomach.
I have spoken to him many times about this but at the end of the day, I don't want to feel like his mother telling him to shower and change his clothes.
I have tried saying things like "there will be no blow jobs unless you have a shower" and try to say this in a playful way but because he shows so little interest in sex, it doesn't really have an impact.
What can I do? He's a grown man, he's 10 years older than me, and I do not want to feel like I have to order him about like a child.
My sister even said to me recently that she thought there was a bit of smell off him but I had to cover it up and say he spilled something on himself as I was so embarrassed.
I believe both people in a relationship are a reflection of each other and I always put my best self forward for him.

The other issue then is a bit more serious, to me anyway.
I feel that my husband has no respect for my job or the fact that I work very hard 5 days a week.
I work in a very busy office (I don't want to give away too much detail). My job involves working directly alongside the boss of the office. I have 3 people on a team who report to me and all in all, the office is a great environment, there isn't any clash of personalities even though the 3 people who report to me are older than me. I really enjoy my job. Like every job, there are bad points and it's not perfect but I love the work and we all get along well. My boss, who I work alongside, always has so much praise for me and my work and the various people that we both interact with in the course of our work always report back to my boss about how good I am etc.
However, my husband puts little to no value on my job. He finished college last year and has been working in a good job for the past 6 months. We both work the same hours but I have no problem saying his work is more physical than mine but it's just different and that's something that he just can't understand. He compares our work like for like and says that his job is so much harder than mine. He regularly says "sure your job is just sitting at a desk all day long" (which it isn't) "sure what are you tired from? you're only sitting down all day long" (which I'm not).
He makes me feel worthless and really belittles me.
He also uses his more "physical" job as a reason to do nothing around the house. This isn't a big deal but it ties in with him belittling my job. He will say things like "sure you can do x and y because you're just sitting down all day long".
I have spoken with him about this a few times but he just brushes it off.

Does anybody have any advice?

Merkin

Yes, my advice is that the softly softly approach quite clearly is not working. It's no good hinting that a blowjob is not going to be forthcoming when there hasn't even been a sniff of action in six months, it makes your words futile and meaningless.

What you do need to tell him is that you cannot put up his stench a moment longer and that other people have started to notice. Going up to two whole weeks without a shower is just disgusting beyond words and I personally wouldn't be able to share living space, let alone a bed, with someone who was such a personal hygiene abomination. You need to tell him in no uncertain terms that it is disgusting and that it also shows no respect for you.

I'd be interested to know if he has always been a stinker or if this is a recent thing. If it is recent, do you think depression could be at play? Or do you just think he's a lazy bastard who simply doesn't care?

Alf. A. Male

I'd stop saying things "playfully" or allowing them to be brushed off, I'd be saying it in a matter-of-fact way at this stage. Tell him he needs to wash and to change his clothes, tell him you work hard at a good job and to stick his opinion about it. And if he does nothing around the house, tell him it won't be done until he joins in and stops behaving like a baby. As for no blow jobs if he doesn't wash, you should be telling him you won't be going next nor near him at all. 10-14 days without a wash for a grown man in his own home? That's disgusting and it's time you stopped putting up with it at all.

rock22

You shouldn't have to put up with such behavior.

You don't mention how long you are married or how long this problem is going on. Not looking after your self can be a symptom of depression - although nothing in your post suggests your husband is depressed.

Only you can decide if you are willing to go on living like this. If it were me, at the very least, I would be moving into a spare room until he changes.

ABajaninCork

Oh boy -You've got 99 problems, girl!

I really don't know what to suggest. Why does your husband choose not to shower and change his clothes? Has nobody not mentioned it to him at work?? Is he depressed or stressed, do you think? Has he not questioned why you don't have sex as often any more??

I'd also stop being affectionate with him. If he smells that bad, it's no wonder you don't want to be physical with him. Perhaps it's time to be brutal with him. If he asks why tell him! Don't dress it up. If it means you moving to the spare room to drive the point home, then do that. Why should you have to sleep on smelly dirty sheets because he doesn't bathe? Again - if he asks why - tell him.

If you do move to the spare room? Leave the bedclothes in the bedroom right where they are. Don't change them, and don't tidy the room. If he wants to live like a pig - let him!

My husband has a physical job. I still make him do his share, although I do the lion's share of the housework and take care of the house bills. He washes up, takes the dog out as I can't really exercise at the moment, and will run the Hoover round if I don't get round to it. Hell - he might even put on the occasional load, even if he always puts the wash on too hot!

Have you also suggested counselling to him, OP? That would help too.

Sorry - I just don't have anything more constructive to add. Hope it works out for you.

m'lady

worthlessandbelittled wrote: »

Hello

I have been debating about posting this thread for a number of weeks now because I don't want it to seem like I'm whinging over things that don't matter but I need some advice.

I am having a number of issues with my husband and I just can't seem to get through to him about any of them.

The first one is in relation to his hygiene. He just can't be bothered showering or changing his clothes. He has gone 10 - 14 days without taking a shower and in that period of time may only change his clothes 3-4 times (including underwear). It turns my stomach. I'm not a clean freak or anything like that but there are times when there is a very obvious smell off him. For example, last weekend he turned over in bed to face me and between the odour from his body and his smelly breath I actually had to get up out of the bed it was that bad.
I have to change the bed sheets at least 3 times a week otherwise they begin to smell horrendous too.
Aside from the obvious, i.e. the smell etc. I find it very unattractive that he makes no effort with himself, it makes him seem like he doesn't value himself at all.
I'm sure it will be obvious as well that our sex life isn't great if he's not showering. He just shows no interest.
We were last intimate about 6 months ago. I am a young woman and this is not enough for me. Aside from the lack of sex he shows me no affection, we kiss each other goodbye in the morning and say "I love you" but I feel like it's just part of the routine now.
I try to be affectionate with him but I have to be honest that the smell is so bad sometimes that I don't even want to hug him as it turns my stomach.
I have spoken to him many times about this but at the end of the day, I don't want to feel like his mother telling him to shower and change his clothes.
I have tried saying things like "there will be no blow jobs unless you have a shower" and try to say this in a playful way but because he shows so little interest in sex, it doesn't really have an impact.
What can I do? He's a grown man, he's 10 years older than me, and I do not want to feel like I have to order him about like a child.
My sister even said to me recently that she thought there was a bit of smell off him but I had to cover it up and say he spilled something on himself as I was so embarrassed.
I believe both people in a relationship are a reflection of each other and I always put my best self forward for him.

The other issue then is a bit more serious, to me anyway.
I feel that my husband has no respect for my job or the fact that I work very hard 5 days a week.
I work in a very busy office (I don't want to give away too much detail). My job involves working directly alongside the boss of the office. I have 3 people on a team who report to me and all in all, the office is a great environment, there isn't any clash of personalities even though the 3 people who report to me are older than me. I really enjoy my job. Like every job, there are bad points and it's not perfect but I love the work and we all get along well. My boss, who I work alongside, always has so much praise for me and my work and the various people that we both interact with in the course of our work always report back to my boss about how good I am etc.
However, my husband puts little to no value on my job. He finished college last year and has been working in a good job for the past 6 months. We both work the same hours but I have no problem saying his work is more physical than mine but it's just different and that's something that he just can't understand. He compares our work like for like and says that his job is so much harder than mine. He regularly says "sure your job is just sitting at a desk all day long" (which it isn't) "sure what are you tired from? you're only sitting down all day long" (which I'm not).
He makes me feel worthless and really belittles me.
He also uses his more "physical" job as a reason to do nothing around the house. This isn't a big deal but it ties in with him belittling my job. He will say things like "sure you can do x and y because you're just sitting down all day long".
I have spoken with him about this a few times but he just brushes it off.

Does anybody have any advice?

Oh your poor thing..Firstly I will say that you are not whinging over things that don't matter, this matters very much. I really don't know how you have tolerated this for any length of time, you have more patience than I would.

I don't think you mention how long this has been going on? Is this only recently or has he been like this for a long time? I agree with a previous poster that he doesn't sound like he's depressed, but then again maybe he is? As for him not doing anything in the house, that's just unfair and lazy- there's no excuse, especially that your both working.

I'd pack him off to the spare room, and tell him why. He's treating you with such disrespect and doesn't value your job- not on. I'm surprised his lack of hygiene hasn't been brought up in his job actually.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies everybody.

He doesn't seem to be depressed, is there any way of finding this out? He is very reluctant to visit a doctor and doesn't even have a regular GP.

This has been going on for about 18 months but has gotten worse in the past 3-4 months and he has been going even longer without a shower.
I think he is just lazy and doesn't care.

We are married nearly 2 years.

He has never mentioned to me about anyone saying it to him at work. Maybe they have and he just hasn't told me?

He is the one who is uninterested in sex in general. I am just uninterested in sex with a smelly person. He appears to have no sex drive. He has been like this for about 18 months too.

Unfortunately, we don't have a spare room and as I have a problem with my neck, I couldn't really sleep on the couch with much comfort.
I have had to replace his pillows twice in the past 12 months because they were badly stained from head sweat and quite smelly.

As regards the housework, I do everything. I do all the cleaning, all the cooking, buy all the household groceries, I feed the dogs, walk the dogs, pay for everything related to the dogs, I do as much of the odd jobs around the house as possible because if I don't do them they are just not done and the house would be left to fall down around us. I know some of you suggest not doing anything until he joins in but I could not live in the kind of mess he would allow build up and it wouldn't be fair on our dogs either.

We own our own home outright so the only bills we have between us are the ESB bill and our internet bill. I contribute €50 a week towards bills (this excludes the items mentioned above which I pay for on my own) and recently my husband has started demanding more money. Unfortunately, due to the neck problem I mentioned I cannot afford more than €50 per week as I have quite high medical expenses every week between medication and physio. My husband told me that I should be contributing at least €80 per week and when I told him I cannot afford this he told me "you'd have to pay it if you were somewhere else". This really upset me as it makes it sound like he thinks he's my landlord. Where is "somewhere else"? We're married, living in our marital home so there should never be a "somewhere else".

ManOfMystery

I'd stop with the softly softly approach and opt for shock value instead. Tell him he smells, tell him friends/associates have mentioned it on occasion and tell him it's embarassing. 'Hints' and being nice about it are not working, so you just have to be straight up even if it makes you feel guilty.

A shower takes all of 5 mins, there is absolutely no excuse for anyone not to have a quick one every day or at a push, every other day. Even a splash at the sink would be better than nothing.

LegacyUser

Also, as I have said, I think we are a reflection of each other so I try to put my best self forward. I'm not perfect in any way but I would never go unwashed or anything like that.

In relation to the way he treats me over my job, I do feel that he looks down on what I do as being unimportant. He literally does nothing around the house, won't even load or unload the dishwasher and if he does he will say "look I did that for you", it's not for me, it's for the house so we don't look like slobs and to have clean dishes to eat our food off of.
He will often say "I'm too tired to sweep the floor" or "I'm too tired to load the diswasher" and will follow it up with "sure you do that, you're just sitting down all day long".

ABajaninCork

Why is your husband demanding more money? What is he putting in?? Does he put in E80? I'd be telling him to get stuffed. You simply can't afford it as you have medical bills to pay. Does he not realise that?

Get a sofa bed for the front room and sleep on it. I'd refuse to share a bed again with that disgusting, stinking, lazy git.

Barely There

worthlessandbelittled wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies everybody.

He doesn't seem to be depressed, is there any way of finding this out? He is very reluctant to visit a doctor and doesn't even have a regular GP.

This has been going on for about 18 months but has gotten worse in the past 3-4 months and he has been going even longer without a shower.
I think he is just lazy and doesn't care.

We are married nearly 2 years.

He has never mentioned to me about anyone saying it to him at work. Maybe they have and he just hasn't told me?

He is the one who is uninterested in sex in general. I am just uninterested in sex with a smelly person. He appears to have no sex drive. He has been like this for about 18 months too.

Unfortunately, we don't have a spare room and as I have a problem with my neck, I couldn't really sleep on the couch with much comfort.
I have had to replace his pillows twice in the past 12 months because they were badly stained from head sweat and quite smelly.

As regards the housework, I do everything. I do all the cleaning, all the cooking, buy all the household groceries, I feed the dogs, walk the dogs, pay for everything related to the dogs, I do as much of the odd jobs around the house as possible because if I don't do them they are just not done and the house would be left to fall down around us. I know some of you suggest not doing anything until he joins in but I could not live in the kind of mess he would allow build up and it wouldn't be fair on our dogs either.

We own our own home outright so the only bills we have between us are the ESB bill and our internet bill. I contribute €50 a week towards bills (this excludes the items mentioned above which I pay for on my own) and recently my husband has started demanding more money. Unfortunately, due to the neck problem I mentioned I cannot afford more than €50 per week as I have quite high medical expenses every week between medication and physio. My husband told me that I should be contributing at least €80 per week and when I told him I cannot afford this he told me "you'd have to pay it if you were somewhere else". This really upset me as it makes it sound like he thinks he's my landlord. Where is "somewhere else"? We're married, living in our marital home so there should never be a "somewhere else".

He's disgusting, both in his personal habits and the way he treats you.

He doesn't seem to have any respect of affection for you at all.

Seriously - Why do you want to be with someone like this?

Magicmatilda

It seems like he does not want to be married to you or living with you anymore. Have you discussed separation? It sounds like you might need to. Ask him does he want a separation.

This is not a loving relationship that you are in. Why are you staying? what is he adding to your life?

You should be paying 50% of the bills when they arrive. He should be paying 50% of household costs.


Are the dogs both of yours or just your own?


I would start calculating the cost of food etc and deducting that from the 50% percent I owned of the bill. That is the amount quoted on the actual bill - not what he makes up in his head.

username123

Was he always like this regarding personal hygiene?

I do think a neglect of personal hygiene indicates poor mental health. Not only is it horrible for you and the smell etc... but its very unhealthy, a risk to the immune system. Particularly if his job has a physical aspect.

On the hygiene issue you really need to be firm. I absolutely would not share a bed with someone who was willfully unhygienic. Ask him to sleep elsewhere or sleep elsewhere yourself until this is resolved. But you do need to be aware that this may require medical intervention. Young healthy people dont usually just stop washing.

username123

Sorry I hadnt read right down to the end when I last replied.

The way he is treating you is appalling. Why are you staying in this relationship? What exactly are you getting out of it?

LegacyUser

Was he always like this OP??

I just cant see how this man is a catch if this is how he carries on.

Not trying to be smart with you or anything OP, quite the opposite, I feel really sorry for you having to put up with that crap.

But seriously, this just started 18 months ago? Patience of a saint you have, did you get any hint during your relationship that he was like this?

Emme

worthlessandbelittled wrote: »

We own our own home outright so the only bills we have between us are the ESB bill and our internet bill. I contribute €50 a week towards bills (this excludes the items mentioned above which I pay for on my own) and recently my husband has started demanding more money. Unfortunately, due to the neck problem I mentioned I cannot afford more than €50 per week as I have quite high medical expenses every week between medication and physio. My husband told me that I should be contributing at least €80 per week and when I told him I cannot afford this he told me "you'd have to pay it if you were somewhere else". This really upset me as it makes it sound like he thinks he's my landlord. Where is "somewhere else"? We're married, living in our marital home so there should never be a "somewhere else".

That really stands out. He doesn't consider your neck problem and instead is demanding more money from you. "You'd have to pay it if you were somewhere else" is charming. I don't advocate ending a marriage but maybe you should move into another bedroom for a while. Split all bills down the middle 50:50 at all times. Is the house you own outright in both of your names?

Merkin

Good God, I've just read your additional posts. This marriage is bordering on abusive what with the wilful reluctance to help in any way, the flagrant disregard for personal hygiene and then demanding money from you. It doesn't sound like this man even likes you, let alone loves you. What a horrible situation. Do you love this man? Do you want your marriage to work? Because I'd be really concerned about his level of investment, he seems to simply have given up on it all

Jimmy Bottlehead

This treatment is not acceptable. He is showing no love to either himself, or more importantly you.

It's time for a very serious talk where he either commits to changing his ways, or else you two look at ending the marriage. He cannot expect someone to stay with him behaving as he is.

D Weasel

worthlessandbelittled wrote: »

Hello

I have been debating about posting this thread for a number of weeks now because I don't want it to seem like I'm whinging over things that don't matter but I need some advice.

I am having a number of issues with my husband and I just can't seem to get through to him about any of them.

The first one is in relation to his hygiene. He just can't be bothered showering or changing his clothes. He has gone 10 - 14 days without taking a shower and in that period of time may only change his clothes 3-4 times (including underwear). It turns my stomach. I'm not a clean freak or anything like that but there are times when there is a very obvious smell off him. For example, last weekend he turned over in bed to face me and between the odour from his body and his smelly breath I actually had to get up out of the bed it was that bad.
I have to change the bed sheets at least 3 times a week otherwise they begin to smell horrendous too.
Aside from the obvious, i.e. the smell etc. I find it very unattractive that he makes no effort with himself, it makes him seem like he doesn't value himself at all.
I'm sure it will be obvious as well that our sex life isn't great if he's not showering. He just shows no interest.
We were last intimate about 6 months ago. I am a young woman and this is not enough for me. Aside from the lack of sex he shows me no affection, we kiss each other goodbye in the morning and say "I love you" but I feel like it's just part of the routine now.
I try to be affectionate with him but I have to be honest that the smell is so bad sometimes that I don't even want to hug him as it turns my stomach.
I have spoken to him many times about this but at the end of the day, I don't want to feel like his mother telling him to shower and change his clothes.
I have tried saying things like "there will be no blow jobs unless you have a shower" and try to say this in a playful way but because he shows so little interest in sex, it doesn't really have an impact.
What can I do? He's a grown man, he's 10 years older than me, and I do not want to feel like I have to order him about like a child.
My sister even said to me recently that she thought there was a bit of smell off him but I had to cover it up and say he spilled something on himself as I was so embarrassed.
I believe both people in a relationship are a reflection of each other and I always put my best self forward for him.

The other issue then is a bit more serious, to me anyway.
I feel that my husband has no respect for my job or the fact that I work very hard 5 days a week.
I work in a very busy office (I don't want to give away too much detail). My job involves working directly alongside the boss of the office. I have 3 people on a team who report to me and all in all, the office is a great environment, there isn't any clash of personalities even though the 3 people who report to me are older than me. I really enjoy my job. Like every job, there are bad points and it's not perfect but I love the work and we all get along well. My boss, who I work alongside, always has so much praise for me and my work and the various people that we both interact with in the course of our work always report back to my boss about how good I am etc.
However, my husband puts little to no value on my job. He finished college last year and has been working in a good job for the past 6 months. We both work the same hours but I have no problem saying his work is more physical than mine but it's just different and that's something that he just can't understand. He compares our work like for like and says that his job is so much harder than mine. He regularly says "sure your job is just sitting at a desk all day long" (which it isn't) "sure what are you tired from? you're only sitting down all day long" (which I'm not).
He makes me feel worthless and really belittles me.
He also uses his more "physical" job as a reason to do nothing around the house. This isn't a big deal but it ties in with him belittling my job. He will say things like "sure you can do x and y because you're just sitting down all day long".
I have spoken with him about this a few times but he just brushes it off.

Does anybody have any advice?

You need to do some straight talking to the filthy lazy disgusting fook !!! Simple as that. Also if you don't have kids I would venture it is time to consider divorce. His behaviour will make it impossible to live with him.

LegacyUser

So 6mths into your marriage, with a mortgage/debt free home & jobs your new husband decided to stop making an effort of keeping up pretense of humanity, stopped washing, stopped wanting intimacy, stopped (or never did) anything around the house - I have to ask WHY are you still with him?

Do you want to salvage your marriage?
Do you want children in the future?

He contributes nothing to your "Present", what do You Want for your Future?

Boldberry

I don't understand how he keeps a job if he only washes a couple of weeks. If my fella left it a day without a shower he would be pretty sniffy, I just can't get my head around this behaviour.

Pawwed Rig

I would suspect there is more to this than we have heard so far, 3 sides to every story and all that.
OP I would suggest guidance counselling. Nagging and shouting at him is never going to work (might do the opposite). In the meantime you are both working, hire a cleaner for a couple of hours every week and split the cost with him.

lollsangel

My ex was like that, I gave up after 8 years 2 years after marrying him. I walked! Best thing I done, if he doesn't change, do u love him enough to keep putting up with it

Fudge You

worthlessandbelittled wrote: »

My husband told me that I should be contributing at least €80 per week and when I told him I cannot afford this he told me "you'd have to pay it if you were somewhere else". This really upset me as it makes it sound like he thinks he's my landlord. Where is "somewhere else"? We're married, living in our marital home so there should never be a "somewhere else".

Alarm bells.
Time for a serious conversation.
Im no expert but that does not sound like a marriage. He has a problem, you two have to talk.

And also op. What was he like before you were married???

LegacyUser

I just want to say thanks again for all of the replies.

As regards money, I contribute €50 per week and my husband makes up the balance, generally speaking our ESB bill is around €350 every 2 months and €80 for internet, sometimes a bit more, sometimes a bit less. They're our only bills and then I pay for all household stuff.

I suppose I want to be with him because I married the old him and I want to believe he's in there somewhere. He wasn't always like this. He used to take real pride in his appearance and in himself. He used to regularly buy himself new clothes and just generally look after himself, regular haircuts and the like.

The dogs are our dogs, together.

username123 I genuinely wouldn't know a lot about mental health issues, would you have any advice in this regard? I suppose it's something that should be explored, how would I know if this is the cause?

We do still have a laugh together and we have a lot of common interests but I could say the same about some of my friends. I miss the romantic connection, that feeling of wanting to kiss someone and them kissing you back and the contentment of watching a movie next to that person you're most comfortable with. I miss feeling like I'm a part of his life and he a part of mine.

Prior to him changing into this person, he was just normal, normal guy. I did notice that he became very lazy when he was in college. He would never clean up after himself, saying "I'm too busy studying" and his hygiene definitely started to go downhill at that point. He did put in huge hours of study while in college and did very well in his exams and with his thesis so I suppose there is one upside to it. I think maybe he just fell into that pattern then.

The house is just in my husband's name, he inherited the house from his grandaunt when she passed away 5 years ago but had been living in it for years prior to her death as she was in a home suffering from very bad dementia.

I do find the words "you'd have to pay it somewhere else" ringing in my ears all the time.

Pawwed rig - I don't shout at him, I'm just not a shouty person. I don't nag at him other than occasional reminding him to wash. I've given up asking him to contribute to the household chores unless it's something I absolutely cannot do myself.

After I got home, fed the dogs and walked the dogs (something he never does, even on his days off), I decided to go out for a drive and have a think about what to do.

LegacyUser

Before we got married he was great, a completely different person almost.
I wonder if this is the real him or if that was the real him.

apsalar

OP

Your marriage does not sound happy. And neither does it look like it will change anytime soon.

We make efforts to be attractive to our partners/ other people because we want to look good and present our best face to them (aside from feeling attractive just for ourselves). It sounds like your partner is either depressed (which you are not sure of) or really doesn't care very much what you think about his looks at all i.e., he is not interested in being attractive to you.

That sounds harsh but based on what you said I don't see any other reason for a person to go so long they smell when they share a living space and bed with their spouse.

You also mentioned asking for more money towards expenses.....while I appreciate it is your marital home, was it his house you moved into? Because it sounds as though he has mentally disengaged from the relationship and is now thinking about salvaging what is "his". In other words, he may feel like you are imposing on him and it's telling he feels like he does you favours by doing any housework - seems like he thinks housework is a fair exchange for you living in the home!

This man either has other hidden problems that may be troubling him or has just taken an active dislike to you, never mind the spouse bit.

I feel quite awful for you - I was in a situation where a relationship ended badly because my ex decide he didn't like me anymore so that gave him carte blanche to act like a complete d!ck.

I have never and do not understand why falling out of love means treating the other person like dirt. There is no justification, but then I guess I don't like nastiness, esp if we saw each other naked!

I hope you get to at least find out the "why" of his treatment and act accordingly to make yourself happy even if your marriage never improves. All the best.

username123

Really all you can do is talk to him about why he is this way, ask him would he seek professional help, would he go to his GP, suggest to him that neglect of personal hygiene could be a symptom of some kind of mental health issue. Ask him straight out if he is unhappy and why. Tell him you are at breaking point and it's the marriage that's on the line here because his behaviour is affecting you and distressing you.

Beyond that, well we can't drag people to doctors and even if we could they will only take medical advice if they want to.

Hollister11

If I don't shower every morning my day Is ruined. If your a grown man shower if your going out or not. That's vile.

Boldberry

I really think the man is ill, depressed people can be very nasty.

The_Honeybadger

Op I have lived around mental health issues my whole life and your husband has some classic symptoms. Has he lost interest in hobbies and other aspects of his life that were important to him? Does he have friends that he stays in touch with, Maybe if he gets the right help things could get better. He is likely having problems in work as well and needs to sort himself out for his own sake if not for your marriage. It doesn't sound like you are the problem in any case, he took pride in his appearance in the past, this would not change so drastically if he had merely lost interest in you. I would wager that he is depressed but functional in terms of getting up in the morning and going to work. The first step is getting him to acknowledge that there is a problem, he must know that his life is turning into a train wreck .

If he is not sick he is being very unfair with regards money etc., he obviously feels that you are living in "his" house rather than your marital home and that tells it's own story. His behaviour is despicable and you need to ask yourself if you can continue in this marriage. It sounds like you could be financially independent so you have options, do you have kids btw? This is a huge factor.

I would make it clear to him that you are not happy and that you may be forced to leave if things don't improve. It sounds like you love your husband and things might not be beyond saving, but he absolutely has to start making an effort if he wants to hold on to you. Good luck with everything.

acequion

My heart goes out to you,OP. All the other posters are right. To an objective observer,you are in an appalling situation which doesn't bear even the smallest resemblance to a loving relationship. Having a laugh and common interests are superficial,they are not the gel that binds a marriage if nothing else is there.
You tell us that you've been married for two years and that this awful behaviour started about 18 months ago, so a mere six months into the marriage. That’s very fast. Was he a bit of a charmer when you met him? Did he sweep you off your feet? Were you guys dating for long before you married? Obviously, you know this man and we don’t,but from what you tell us,it sounds like a bit of a Jekyll and Hyde. So do you know a lot about his past? I would suspect that there’s either a history of a mental problem there, like depression, or that your courtship was one big act and the real him started to emerge six months into the marriage.

It definitely sounds like you’re much more invested in the relationship than he is. You speak of “we” and “our” all the time, which of course is how it is in a relationship, except that there’s only one of you in this one. When you say that a couple are a reflection of each other,I’m not sure I agree. It sounds like you've been way too nice and patient,even subservient, and that has got you nowhere. It’s also possible that he has big self esteem issues and resents you for perhaps being smarter than he is. He may resent that you’re so good at your job and appreciated by your boss and also that you’re more sexual than he is. But he is obviously no fool as he was capable of studying hard and doing well in exams. So Jekyll and Hyde again. There are definitely serious issues going on with this man.

I would give the same advice as the others. This absolutely must be brought to a head. You simply must talk to him straight up.The situation must change because you cannot go on living like that. If nothing comes of your efforts,then, painful as it is to leave a marriage,ultimately would it not be less painful than a life with such a partner? The best of luck to you.

LegacyUser

I do feel he is not interested in being attractive to me.

Thanks username123 I am preparing myself to talk to him about this tonight. Hopefully get some answers, whether it's that he is sick or I'm the problem.

mickeyk, he has lost interest in alot of stuff and is spending more time on interests that involve minimal effort.

We don't have kids. We haven't decided if we want kids.

I wouldn't say he was a charmer, no more charming than any other person I've been with. We were together for 5 years before we even talked about marriage seriously and we got married about 2 years after that. I would know his past quite well, certainly no history of mental illness with his parents and his one brother.

It's interesting what you say about Jekyll and Hyde, I could definitely say he has Jekyll and Hyde moments when he goes from being totally normal to flying off the handle. Last week we were about to sit down and watch a movie, he was pulling the curtains and they kept getting stuck on the pole, he went absolutely ballistic, screaming and shouting at me nonsensically and then he went off to our bedroom for an hour, when he came back he gave me the cold shoulder for another hour and then he was fine again.

I hope it doesn't seem like I'm painting him as some sort of head case and me as being a victim. I just don't challenge him or shout back at him when he's having one of his tantrums (that's the only word I could use to describe them) because there's no point, it's like he's blind to any reason when he's like that.

Merkin

I'm not sure if it is an approach you want to take but is his family a close-knit one and do you get on well? If so, could you talk to his brother in confidence, tell him what's going on and ask him if there is any kind of history of this sort of behaviour? You don't have to go into the very intimate stuff like your sex life or the way he speaks to you necessarily, just a general chat about his personal hygiene and mood swings. If he is to go and seek help (and I suspect he will be reluctant to) it would be best if you know the full picture, if there is one.

Emme

worthlessandbelittled wrote: »

I just want to say thanks again for all of the replies.

As regards money, I contribute €50 per week and my husband makes up the balance, generally speaking our ESB bill is around €350 every 2 months and €80 for internet, sometimes a bit more, sometimes a bit less. They're our only bills and then I pay for all household stuff.

I suppose I want to be with him because I married the old him and I want to believe he's in there somewhere. He wasn't always like this. He used to take real pride in his appearance and in himself. He used to regularly buy himself new clothes and just generally look after himself, regular haircuts and the like.

The dogs are our dogs, together.

username123 I genuinely wouldn't know a lot about mental health issues, would you have any advice in this regard? I suppose it's something that should be explored, how would I know if this is the cause?

We do still have a laugh together and we have a lot of common interests but I could say the same about some of my friends. I miss the romantic connection, that feeling of wanting to kiss someone and them kissing you back and the contentment of watching a movie next to that person you're most comfortable with. I miss feeling like I'm a part of his life and he a part of mine.

Prior to him changing into this person, he was just normal, normal guy. I did notice that he became very lazy when he was in college. He would never clean up after himself, saying "I'm too busy studying" and his hygiene definitely started to go downhill at that point. He did put in huge hours of study while in college and did very well in his exams and with his thesis so I suppose there is one upside to it. I think maybe he just fell into that pattern then.

This might be totally off the mark, but did your husband start smoking dope in college? This is of course his own business but smoking a lot of dope can make some people lazy and apathetic. Others can smoke it with little or no ill effect.

Or maybe he's just depressed?

worthlessandbelittled wrote: »

The house is just in my husband's name, he inherited the house from his grandaunt when she passed away 5 years ago but had been living in it for years prior to her death as she was in a home suffering from very bad dementia.

I do find the words "you'd have to pay it somewhere else" ringing in my ears all the time.

This is abusive. You married him in good faith. You pay for all the household stuff and for your share of the bills. You both need marriage counseling on this alone. If you weren't with him maybe you could afford a little place of your own, on your own? This may not be what you want but your husband is being abusive when he says "you'd have to pay it somewhere else".

worthlessandbelittled wrote: »

Pawwed rig - I don't shout at him, I'm just not a shouty person. I don't nag at him other than occasional reminding him to wash. I've given up asking him to contribute to the household chores unless it's something I absolutely cannot do myself.

After I got home, fed the dogs and walked the dogs (something he never does, even on his days off), I decided to go out for a drive and have a think about what to do.

At the moment he is treating you like a live-in maid who also happens to pay for household stuff and goes halves on bills.

Tell him you are moving into another room until he resumes having a daily shower and normal personal hygiene. See if he's happy to go for marriage counseling. If he isn't happy with that, doesn't change and keeps looking for more money for you I'd seriously reconsider your marriage.

Pawwed Rig

Hollister11 wrote: »

If I don't shower every morning my day Is ruined. If your a grown man shower if your going out or not. That's vile.

Slightly off the point but aa daily shower is completely unneccesary in Ireland unless you are performing strenuous manual work or sweat heavily for some other reason. Daily washing is a vanity inherited from warmer climates that has nothing to do with hygiene. In fact putting chemicals in your hair and on your skin everyday is really bad for your skin. That said more often than once in 2 weeks would be required for hygiene as bacteria will grow (the smell) in the sweaty areas like under the arms and in the crotch area.

OP another poster said to talk to one of his family members. I would talk to him first if I was you as extending this issue beyond the 2 of you could make things worse. I suggested relationship counselling in an earlier post, have you considered that? It would be a way to get everything out in the open in a safe environment. If there is a depression element it might become more obvious in this environment.

Or you may have to consider the fact that he is not happy in his current life.

Jimmy Bottlehead

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

Slightly off the point but aa daily shower is completely unneccesary in Ireland unless you are performing strenuous manual work or sweat heavily for some other reason. Daily washing is a vanity inherited from warmer climates that has nothing to do with hygiene. In fact putting chemicals in your hair and on your skin everyday is really bad for your skin. That said more often than once in 2 weeks would be required for hygiene as bacteria will grow (the smell) in the sweaty areas like under the arms and in the crotch area.

OP another poster said to talk to one of his family members. I would talk to him first if I was you as extending this issue beyond the 2 of you could make things worse. I suggested relationship counselling in an earlier post, have you considered that? It would be a way to get everything out in the open in a safe environment. If there is a depression element it might become more obvious in this environment.

Or you may have to consider the fact that he is not happy in his current life.

I can only speak for myself, but I shower daily as:

1) I like to smell nice for myself
2) I like to smell nice for my girlfriend
3) I like to smell nice to society in general

I can understand someone maybe taking a shower once every two days, but I sure as hell wouldn't put up with a partner who had offensive B.O.

Emme

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

Slightly off the point but aa daily shower is completely unneccesary in Ireland unless you are performing strenuous manual work or sweat heavily for some other reason. Daily washing is a vanity inherited from warmer climates that has nothing to do with hygiene. In fact putting chemicals in your hair and on your skin everyday is really bad for your skin. That said more often than once in 2 weeks would be required for hygiene as bacteria will grow (the smell) in the sweaty areas like under the arms and in the crotch area.

OP another poster said to talk to one of his family members. I would talk to him first if I was you as extending this issue beyond the 2 of you could make things worse. I suggested relationship counselling in an earlier post, have you considered that? It would be a way to get everything out in the open in a safe environment. If there is a depression element it might become more obvious in this environment.

Or you may have to consider the fact that he is not happy in his current life.

A minority of people can get away with having a shower every 2 days in cold weather but the other 99% of us should shower every day. The OP's husband is clearly in the majority because she can smell him before she sees him!

username123

I agree with Merkin. There could be a history.

Even if there isnt, the current situation is going to affect YOUR mental health so you need to consider your role in this environment. Being subjected to unreasonable behaviour (whatever the cause) is going to have a long term negative effect on you if you stay there and nothing changes.

Ultimately you can only change or help yourself. You can give advice to someone else, but you cant make them address a problem or make changes.

I do advise compassion as it does sound like a mental health issue, but I do think you need to extend compassion to yourself as well. Because you are in the situation it is very difficult for you to have perspective on the situation. It is telling in your first post that you concentrate more on your husbands perception of your job and his verbal put downs rather than his personal neglect which has such a big practical impact on your life. His emotional abuse seems to have overshadowed the rest of it.

From what you describe his personality has changed, so implore him to seek medical attention.

Pawwed Rig

Emme wrote: »

A minority of people can get away with having a shower every 2 days in cold weather but the other 99% of us should shower every day.

I suspect you just made up that statistic. If not then please quote a citation.

See

http://jezebel.com/how-often-do-you-really-need-to-shower-1510228527
http://www.nhs.uk/livewell/homehygiene/pages/are-we-too-clean-for-our-own-good.aspx
http://www.nhs.uk/carersdirect/guide/practicalsupport/pages/hygiene.aspx
http://health.howstuffworks.com/skin-care/daily/tips/daily-shower-skin1.htm

Similarly washing clothes after 1 wear is completely unnecessary, unless you are in a strenuous job or sweat alot. It is really only in the last 10-15 years this obsession with cleanliness has been here. Your parents generation are unlikely to have washed and changed every day.

Anyway as I said it is slightly off the point as we can agree that where there is a pungent odour then he is not washing enough.

LegacyUser

I would be reluctant to involve his brother but even so, his brother lives abroad and while they get on well, they wouldn't be in contact very regularly at all.

When he said "you'd have to pay it somewhere else", it did upset me greatly. It makes me feel like I'm not a permanent fixture in his life and that I should always be considering myself lucky that I'm not renting somewhere.

I will certainly consider relationship counselling. After I speak to him tonight I'm hoping that the reason for his behaviour will all become clear.

username123 - I do feel like I am withdrawing into myself because I am trying to keep this a secret. I have told nobody about this because I am embarrassed for him and by him. He humiliates me sometimes, never in front of someone else, but makes me feel like I am nothing.

I hope to speak with him tonight and at least make some headway. At this point, if it means splitting up or even having a break from each other to make him return to his previous self, then even just for his own sake, that would be worth it. I worry about his health, both mental and physical.
He also has an absolutely appalling diet which I think has a big effect on him. I cook most things from scratch and I know I am a good cook but he won't eat vegetables. Also, if he is in one of his moods, he will just refuse to eat whatever it is I cook (which could be anything from homemade spag bol to a roast chicken dinner) and get a takeaway for himself instead. In the past 6 months I have really changed up my eating habits and have lost weight and just feel generally way better for it so when I look at what I eat and what he eats be comparison, I can't imagine he feels very good on the inside.

username123

I think its important that when you talk to him to try to stay objective. I know its really difficult when you are hurt and angry yourself but if you give him a list of things you are unhappy about he may just go straight on the defensive and lose the chance to talk properly.

If you can frame the conversation into being worried about him, his physical and mental health, the effects his BEHAVIOUR has on you (sticking to discussing his behaviour and not HIM makes it less likely he will see it as a personal attack on him), concern over his diet and general well being, you might be more successful in trying to get to the root of what is going on.

What often happens with unreasonable and odd behaviours from a loved one is that we normalise the situation over time because the behaviours tend to build up over time. You dont go from being a happily married woman with a normal hygienic husband to living with someone who doesnt take care of themselves overnight. Unfortunately this often results in us enabling bad behaviours as we initially hope its just a phase, then because ignoring things like dirty sheets makes our own life unbearable we begin cleaning up after the person and we start normalising and suddenly its just the way things are. This makes things harder to talk about too because time has passed and we are all acting like this is the way it is and thats grand. An example of you enabling this behaviour is you changing the bed clothes so frequently. He is not suffering the consequences of his behaviour. Obviously as you share a bed this is why you do it - but if I were in the situation you are now in I would be asking him to sleep elsewhere than the marital bed until the hygiene issue is resolved or making alternative sleeping arrangements myself.

Also, keeping it all to yourself, while totally understandable, is not helping you - or him really. You need to be able to express yourself and you are not responsible for protecting his secret of bad hygiene.

Jack B. Badd

worthlessandbelittled wrote: »

As regards money, I contribute €50 per week and my husband makes up the balance, generally speaking our ESB bill is around €350 every 2 months and €80 for internet, sometimes a bit more, sometimes a bit less. They're our only bills and then I pay for all household stuff.

So in a 4 week month you contribute €200 & the bills total €255 (175 pm ESB + 80 internet). The balance he pays is €55 pm? He doesn't maintain himself, your relationship or your home and now he wants more money from you? You're not his wife, you're his keeper.

Emme

Jack B. Badd wrote: »

So in a 4 week month you contribute €200 & the bills total €255 (175 pm ESB + 80 internet). The balance he pays is €55 pm? He doesn't maintain himself, your relationship or your home and now he wants more money from you? You're not his wife, you're his keeper.

She pays for household stuff as well.

Pawwed Rig

Jack B. Badd wrote: »

You're not his wife, you're his keeper.

They live mortgage free though and it was him that inherited the house so I suspect they came to some agreement in relation to bills. I don't think it is really the main issue here though

Jack B. Badd

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

They live mortgage free though and it was him that inherited the house so I suspect they came to some agreement in relation to bills. I don't think it is really the main issue here though

I agree that it's not the main issue but it's indicative of the overall issue - he expects her to keep him, treating her worse than he would a lodger. A lodger wouldn't buy his food, clean his house, put up with his moods or smell... And I don't think the "old him" is coming back.

LegacyUser

Hi username123, yes I was thinking of trying to word it as concern for his health, rather than concern about the way he is treating me or the way I feel. I thought that might be a roundabout way to get him to address the things that are affecting both of us without making it just about the effect it's having on me.

We didn't ever come to an agreement in relation to the household matters. When I was in rented accommodation I put away €50 per week for all my bills and when I moved in with him I said I was happy to continue with that. I wouldn't be in a position to contribute any more than that though.
I said I was happy with the €50 because at the time our agreement was that he would be putting in the same amount and whatever was left over would be used towards the yearly bill for coal, heating oil and the house insurance - but that never happens and I am expected to pull money out of somewhere else when those bills come in too. If he ends up covering the bill for the heating oil for a number of weeks until I can come up with my share (which I always do), if I say anything about the heating being on too much in the meantime (for example, he had the heating on all last week when it was very warm and our house is very well insulated and very warm anyway), he says things like "I paid for it, I'll use it whatever way I want" but then if we have to get more heating oil, I then have to come up with more money again.
To be honest I sometimes think even €50 is too much considering I buy all the groceries for the house, look after nearly all of the household things, I do all the cleaning and all the cooking. I would've thought that those things should be considered as part of my whole contribution to the house but my husband doesn't see it that way and tells me that I choose to do the cleaning and the cooking. I don't choose to do it, if I didn't do it, it wouldn't get done at all.

If I ask him to pick up his dirty socks from the bedroom floor (and I mean actually dirty from being worn for days on end) he gets in a strop, makes a big production about picking them up and flounces off like a child. That is his reaction whenever I ask him to do something around the house, be it something small like putting his dishes in the dishwasher or something bigger like the usual odd jobs that anybody needs to do around their house.

I know what some of you are saying about it being his house etc but if he really feels that way, I would've thought he would put some effort into the upkeep of his house, if he really feels it is his and his alone.

IrishEyes19

OP, you have to ask yourself if this was a close friend of yours would you tell them, he will change? You know the old cliche, you cant change someone, you can only change what you are willing to endure for someone. Get out of there. This is not living!

acequion

OP,username123 is spot on in the advice to you.Your marriage sounds like it's rapidly turning into a co-dependency where you enable and normalise the bad behaviour and the vicious cycle continues. That is how it often is in dysfunctional relationships like being with an alcoholic or compulsive gambler, where one constantly covers up for and cleans up the mess of the other. You are even sounding a bit like an enabler as you're obviously very loyal to him and protective of him. Those are very noble qualities but not in a situation like this, where it's doing neither of you any good.
.
Your husband is obviously sick. A lot of what he is doing is self harm. He eats rubbish so he is letting his body rot both inside and out. As the saying goes,we have to be able to love ourselves before we can love anyone else and it sounds like he now despises both himself and you. The rages and tantrums over petty things are another indication and I don't mean to scare you but the verbal outbursts could get physical,towards you.

You will need a lot of courage in dealing with this,but fair play to you,you have taken the first steps by reaching out anonymously here. I wish you luck when you talk to him tonight. It will be a start and if you don't get answers,you might at least get some clues.

Emme

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

They live mortgage free though and it was him that inherited the house so I suspect they came to some agreement in relation to bills. I don't think it is really the main issue here though

They may have come to an agreement regarding bills but the OP's husband is asking for more money that he knows she cannot afford on account of health issues. A partner should provide support with health issues, not put on extra financial pressure.

Rubberchikken

How long did you know him before you married?

The lack of sex/washing seems to have started very soon after the wedding which seems unusual.

Do you actually love him?
Imo he diesnt sound a well man and while you're entitled to ask him to smarten up he should have the sense to speak to a doctor if he wants this marriage to last.