Late wedding invite - are we the second tranche?

Victor

Teagwee wrote: »

I am a bit miffed to have received this invite so late and feel we're just from the reserve list after the regrets were received from the first choice list. Would this be a fair assumption to make?

Is this being a tiny bit precious?

Gatica

Nothing unusual about second round invites. The fact that they left in the narrow RSVP date and then potentially lied about it, could be a little silly of them. However, they may have been pressured by family to extend invitations to more family than they'd have liked themselves.
If you're unable to go either way, just a polite RSVP saying no and then send a card after the wedding wishing them well. If you can afford to throw in a small gesture gift, great. Personally I wouldn't bother with a huge gift for someone I'm not close to either way, especially when not attending the wedding.
The wording on the card about cash, is another story and there are plenty of threads that have discussed that. Other than that, they may have just left same wording as on the first round full invites they sent out. I'd pay no heed to it and just give what you'd have given anyway.

Bacchus

Nothing unusual about 2nd round invites but there's also nothing usual about people being rude.

Whatever way you dress it up, the bride and groom went through their list of people they want to be there and created a "subs bench". Invitation lists are no doubt one of the hardest parts of planning a wedding but you've got to be respectful of your guests. One thing many people forget is, that it may be your day but all your guests are putting in their time to be there to celebrate it with you. They've arranged sitters for the kids, made the drive/flight to the venue, rearranged weekend plans etc. Not that they are not happy to be there but I think there should be a certain amount of respect given by the happy couple to their guests. To 2nd tier some guests is a bit of an insult IMO. Depending on the situation and how the bride & groom handle it, you'd get over it. Given the OP's situation however AND the "cash not gifts" message, it's quite brash and smacks of "we've seats to fill cause we're paying for em anyway, call in the rent-a-crowd".

BTW, I'd hazard a guess that some of the people here who see no problem with 2nd tiering have done it themselves. There's no one rule but in general I think it is in bad taste to separate your guests into ones you REALLY want to be there and ones who could take or leave.

Neyite

Bacchus wrote: »

There's no one rule but in general I think it is in bad taste to separate your guests into ones you REALLY want to be there and ones who could take or leave.

Any cases I know of, the couples were under pressure to invite 'Mary and John because we went to their Daughters wedding in 1990' type guests from their parents. A smart way I saw done was to give each set of parents X amount of invites, and let them decide who its necessary to invite.

Invites are a diplomatic nightmare really. If you invite one aunt/ uncle you may be particuarly close to, there is an expectation that you should invite the rest of them - even the ones who barely remember your name, who hasnt seen you since you were 12. And looking at that from the outside, its not really fair these days when you consider its usually the couple hosting and paying for the day, and not the parents of the bride in days of old, that they have to invite a heap of people they dont know, who dont know them, when it means that it bumps very close friends that you would love to have see you marry off the list.

Gatica

Yes, we did have second round guests. But it wasn't a formal invite, we just said we've room if you fancy coming along or dropping in. No expectation either way.
Some venues cannot accommodate everyone you wish to invite, nor can people afford to pay for everyone to come.
We've been second round invited before too. Nothing wrong with that I thought. Maybe I should be more negative and get peeved at friends for daring to invite me after their first round of RSVPs. Realistically though, I can understand why such situations arise.
To one wedding we got invites to afters, that were after amended verbally to full day invites. Yes we were second round, so what. I couldn't go due to work, but went for afters but my OH went to full day. They were good enough friends that we weren't offended, but also not bosom buddies for us to think we should be first to be invited.

Yes, I agree that the cash gift request is crass (another thread, so let's not get into that), that pretending (if that's what happened, as fits pointed out it could be other reasons) that they were just "delayed" invites is a bit insulting to their intelligence and that sending invites with obviously missed RSVP dates is thoughtless.... So you can just decline the invite, rather that feed fuel to the flames of the family feud. Yes, you can get into the "they started it" thing, but honestly, it has to stop somewhere, with someone. The OP may as well be the bigger person here.

Bacchus

Neyite wrote: »

Any cases I know of, the couples were under pressure to invite 'Mary and John because we went to their Daughters wedding in 1990' type guests from their parents. A smart way I saw done was to give each set of parents X amount of invites, and let them decide who its necessary to invite.

Invites are a diplomatic nightmare really. If you invite one aunt/ uncle you may be particuarly close to, there is an expectation that you should invite the rest of them - even the ones who barely remember your name, who hasnt seen you since you were 12. And looking at that from the outside, its not really fair these days when you consider its usually the couple hosting and paying for the day, and not the parents of the bride in days of old, that they have to invite a heap of people they dont know, who dont know them, when it means that it bumps very close friends that you would love to have see you marry off the list.

Yup, you can't underestimate the pressure some couples may be under from family. We had a small bit of it regarding young children. We had a strict nephews/nieces only cause if started letting one cousin bring their child we'd only be upsetting others who asked. Just had to draw the line.

As I said, it's probably the hardest thing to do but it's nothing that can't be dealt with with proper planning (i.e. make your approximate list before you book a venue to make sure it is the right size, allow for 10-20% who can't make it) and setting the ground rules early with interfering relatives

Don't put yourself in a situation where you have to rank guests or deal with family politics. You'll only end up with a huge headache.

ianobrien

I once received an invitation to a wedding and it was the third round of invites I reckon. I was fairly miffed as I was at the stag party also!

I just returned the RSVP, said no and left it at that. Afterwords the groom brought it up and I said being on the third round wasn't on and that it was quite insulting. He did outline hir reasons but I still feel that it's insulting (send them all or send none if they are not ready). We cleared the air with that conversation and we are still friends.

Bacchus

Gatica wrote: »

Yes, we did have second round guests. But it wasn't a formal invite, we just said we've room if you fancy coming along or dropping in. No expectation either way.
Some venues cannot accommodate everyone you wish to invite, nor can people afford to pay for everyone to come.
We've been second round invited before too. Nothing wrong with that I thought. Maybe I should be more negative and get peeved at friends for daring to invite me after their first round of RSVPs. Realistically though, I can understand why such situations arise.
To one wedding we got invites to afters, that were after amended verbally to full day invites. Yes we were second round, so what. I couldn't go due to work, but went for afters but my OH went to full day. They were good enough friends that we weren't offended, but also not bosom buddies for us to think we should be first to be invited.

Seems like you handled your 2nd round in a decent enough way, in a no pressure one to one conversation, as opposed to the OP's getting a formal invite after the RSVP date has passed. Every situation is different, I won't argue that.

I got 2nd rounded once by a good friend (a few of us did). He spoke to us though and said it was family stuff. They both had huge family and they were under pressure to invite them first. I was cool with that, had a great day.

Gatica wrote: »

Yes, I agree that the cash gift request is crass (another thread, so let's not get into that), that pretending (if that's what happened, as fits pointed out it could be other reasons) that they were just "delayed" invites is a bit insulting to their intelligence and that sending invites with obviously missed RSVP dates is thoughtless.... So you can just decline the invite, rather that feed fuel to the flames of the family feud. Yes, you can get into the "they started it" thing, but honestly, it has to stop somewhere, with someone. The OP may as well be the bigger person here.

I disagree, it's a part of the OP's thread. You can't ignore the context of the invitation. Part of that is the request for cash over gifts. For instance, a phone call followed by a formal invite (without the cash request) is a completely different story to an obviously late (i.e. 2nd round) formal invite with a cash request. Doubly so since the wedding is abroad.

I agree, just leave it at a "regretfully we cannot make it" and leave it at that.

Gatica

Gatica wrote: »

Yes, I agree that the cash gift request is crass (another thread, so let's not get into that)

Bacchus wrote: »

I disagree, it's a part of the OP's thread.

I understand that it's part of the OP's post, but wanted to leave a discussion specifically revolving about "what does everyone think about being asked for cash" out of it.
I was therefore referring to the general mention of cash on an invite. It's just that there are lots of really long, very impassioned threads on Boards about requests for cash (very strong opinions on either side about how dare anyone mention what they'd like as a wedding gift, to the if you want something specific may as well be up-front about it), which I was saying we shouldn't be starting off here as it could derail the thread... (and there I go and probably do the same )

Bacchus

Gatica wrote: »

I understand that it's part of the OP's post, but wanted to leave a discussion specifically revolving about "what does everyone think about being asked for cash" out of it.
I was therefore referring to the general mention of cash on an invite. It's just that there are lots of really long, very impassioned threads on Boards about requests for cash (very strong opinions on either side about how dare anyone mention what they'd like as a wedding gift, to the if you want something specific may as well be up-front about it), which I was saying we shouldn't be starting off here as it could derail the thread... (and there I go and probably do the same )

Fair enough. I see what you mean.

In relation to the OP's situation though I think the cash request tells part of the story. Without it being the focal point, I think it tells more about the reasons for the 2nd round. It's a "bums on seats, money in the card" invitation IMO.

stargazer 68

I dont see why people do the 2nd tranch etc thing. My sister didnt - if people couldnt come it was simply a reduction in numbers to the hotel.

Dietsquirt

OP i'm going to be 100% honest with you. I got married last year and we were 'expecting' money as a gift from guests.

But under no circumstance would be ever have dreamed of asking for money as a gift.

As someone mentioned in the thread, IF you plan on going, buy them a gift. Curtain Hooks for example, everyone needs curtain hooks.

Dolbert

Dovies wrote: »

I dont see why people do the 2nd tranch etc thing. My sister didnt - if people couldnt come it was simply a reduction in numbers to the hotel.

Sometimes hotels have minimum numbers. Couldn't do with the stress myself.

Bacchus

Dolbert wrote: »

Sometimes hotels have minimum numbers. Couldn't do with the stress myself.

See my post before RE: Planning A couple not putting in some basic effort to plan their wedding is no excuse for a money drive (if you'll excuse the sweeping statement). How hard is it to make up a list of guests BEFORE booking a venue. Get your approximate numbers (be honest), allow about 15% for those who won't make it and BOOM, there's your venue size. If numbers end up a bit lower than expected, bite the bullet.

And yes, it is stressful We had 3 people cancel in the 24 hours before the wedding. It happens, just gotta go with the flow and enjoy yourself.

Dolbert

Bacchus wrote: »

See my post before RE: Planning A couple not putting in some basic effort to plan their wedding is no excuse for a money drive (if you'll excuse the sweeping statement). How hard is it to make up a list of guests BEFORE booking a venue. Get your approximate numbers (be honest), allow about 15% for those who won't make it and BOOM, there's your venue size. If numbers end up a bit lower than expected, bite the bullet.

And yes, it is stressful We had 3 people cancel in the 24 hours before the wedding. It happens, just gotta go with the flow and enjoy yourself.

I was simply answering Dovies' question, not excusing anything. I'm very well versed in wedding planning but thanks for the pep talk all the same.

Teagwee

OP here with an update: It turns out no one from the Irish connection is going but all have sent money (between 50 and 150!) with their regrets, before our invitation was even issued - this was more than 5 weeks after everyone else received the original ones. I don't know how wide they've gone with the second round, but there's a very large connection, as they say.

We had no problem at all not being invited in the first place - since there's no real closeness and we haven't seen or heard from them in years, we didn't expect to be invited. To put it into context, there have been other events and visits home that we were not involved in nor asked to and we are genuinely ok with that.

We totally understand that wedding numbers have to be limited and yes, we were relieved not to have been expected to travel to this expensive event. To then be presented with a very late invite + a cash request after the RSVP date is the reason we were a bit annoyed. It would appear (if my cynicism can be excused by my critics in this thread) that the couple have discovered an invite to Irish relatives = regrets + cash, ergo a win-win. It's quite clear to us that this invite was not an honour and our presence is neither wanted nor required.

Thanks to everyone who made useful suggestions and offered genuine opinions of the substance of my original post - we have taken these on board and will simply send regrets and a wish for their future happiness.

tommythecat

Wow, They are fairly Shnaky!! You are doing the right thing OP

Gatica

yikes...
I'd probably do the same, decline and leave at that.

mrsbyrne

As Brucie used to say" Didn't they do well"!
Wouldn't you love to write back and say sorry can't come money, worries, blah blah, any chance you could send us a few Bob! lol
Seriously, I'm sure its nothing personal ,I think its cheap and mean on their behalf and your doing the right thing.

Tarzana

Mrs OBumble wrote: »

OP, I think you're being incredibly childish.

HOW on earth is the OP being selfish?

candyplanner

Sometimes people read wedding invitations all wrong and instead of the words on the invitation , they read between the lines .
It is hard to make a list of people to invite to a wedding but it is very easy to forget people especially when you don’t see them often .
If you don’t want to give a wedding present then don’t, who wants a gift that’s given with resentment.
Give the couple a break , organising weddings is stressful enough !!

Gatica

Mrs OBumble wrote: »

OP, I think you're being incredibly childish.

Tarzana wrote: »

HOW on earth is the OP being selfish?

You don't seem to be reading the post you're replying to properly before posting. It makes little sense when the two statement are only somewhat loosely connected (childish could be misconstrued as selfish, but not necessarily the same thing).

Tarzana

Gatica wrote: »

You don't seem to be reading the post you're replying to properly before posting. It makes little sense when the two statement are only somewhat loosely connected (childish could be misconstrued as selfish, but not necessarily the same thing).

Absent-minded mistype. I meant childish. In light of what OP told us farther up the page, definitely not childish.

Mellamella

Up to you if you go, even if you were a second option. But It could be a misunderstanding that they forgot to send ye one thinking they already had. But my issue is people actually having the cheek to ask for a gift on an invitation. I find it ignorant and rude asking for a present, it embarrassing. and especially to be specific about what gift you want to receive.

If a guest wants to bring a present or give you money in a card then be grateful. Do not tell a person their gift isn't wanted as they would prefer money. Its disgusting. Personally i think a card is just as meaningful.

Long gone are the days you'd receive a gift or card and be grateful for it. Its one thing to say we don't want gifts, its another thing to say we want money instead.
Some people don't have the money these days for these occasions as people are expecting more lavish gifts all the time.
and a guest has enough to pay for from splashing out on outfits, travel, accommodation and spending money just to share your big day and keep you happy. If the couple cant afford the big day then they should hold off rather than asking guests for money.

Mellamella

Teagwee wrote: »

If it were up to me, I'd simply send the regrets but it's a bit more complicated. It's my husband's nephew (his sister's son) and he doesn't want to create more ill feeling. They haven't really got along in years though and contact is strained enough already. He's only now beginning to believe that we were actually on the subs bench - or that such a thing even existed. Nothing worse than family for creating these kinds of issues
I don't want to become the baddy in this whole mess, so I'm trying to keep out of it as much as possible. It's a big enough victory that he agrees we're not going so I'm thankful for small mercies. I definitely feel we've been well and truly insulted and I hope these reserve list invites are not common.

Just send a card. If they are in another country you dont need to go. And a card is a nice gesture. Maybe give them a call the day or 2 before the wedding to wish them luck

Mellamella

Teagwee wrote: »

If it were up to me, I'd simply send the regrets but it's a bit more complicated. It's my husband's nephew (his sister's son) and he doesn't want to create more ill feeling. They haven't really got along in years though and contact is strained enough already. He's only now beginning to believe that we were actually on the subs bench - or that such a thing even existed. Nothing worse than family for creating these kinds of issues
I don't want to become the baddy in this whole mess, so I'm trying to keep out of it as much as possible. It's a big enough victory that he agrees we're not going so I'm thankful for small mercies. I definitely feel we've been well and truly insulted and I hope these reserve list invites are not common.

Just reading some of your posts on the situation, i am just curious but by any chance are you the driving wedge between your husband and his family??, as it seems by what you have said you are trying to convince him there is some sort of motive from his side as you said he didn't believe you at first and then you were on about and you said you basically wanted to rub it in by letting his side know you were a sub invite

Teagwee

Mellamella wrote: »

Just reading some of your posts on the situation, i am just curious but by any chance are you the driving wedge between your husband and his family??, as it seems by what you have said you are trying to convince him there is some sort of motive from his side as you said he didn't believe you at first and then you were on about and you said you basically wanted to rub it in by letting his side know you were a sub invite

Please read the post - I didn't say he didn't believe me and I am not driving any kind of wedge nor trying to 'rub in' anything. Yes, I was tempted to let them know we knew it was a very late invitation, but we've decided not to do that now.
My husband has come to believe the quite logical interpretation of events by himself - he's a grown man. The situation with his sister has been going on for even longer than we've been married and we're actually grandparents and pensioners now!
What is it with some people on this thread reading beyond what has been said, passing judgement on my personality, motives and even predicting how I would react in other circumstances? I've kept shtum until now and not responded to those threads but enough already!

Mellamella

Im not making a judgement on you, I was just curious as to know if it was you with more of an issue with them or your husband with the issue. I still think a card is enough. If others want to send a gift thats their business. Do the people getting married send you gifts? probably not. And you dont see them often so let them get on with things and live your life. I wouldnt worry about them anyway. If they want to sulk over not getting a present or money or have something to say about it, Then they wouldnt be the type of people id want to send a gift to

tommythecat

Teagwee wrote: »

Please read the post - I didn't say he didn't believe me and I am not driving any kind of wedge nor trying to 'rub in' anything. Yes, I was tempted to let them know we knew it was a very late invitation, but we've decided not to do that now.
My husband has come to believe the quite logical interpretation of events by himself - he's a grown man. The situation with his sister has been going on for even longer than we've been married and we're actually grandparents and pensioners now!
What is it with some people on this thread reading beyond what has been said, passing judgement on my personality, motives and even predicting how I would react in other circumstances? I've kept shtum until now and not responded to those threads but enough already!

In fairness if you post on here, you should expect to hear from all sides of the coin. People don't know you personally so they will try to dig a little deeper to see if there is more to it than you are letting on. This happens frequently enough you'll find! There are two sides to most stories! Perhaps your husbands nephew is posting somewhere on another forum wondering why people aren't accepting his gracious wedding invitation!;)

Teagwee

tommythecat wrote: »

In fairness if you post on here, you should expect to hear from all sides of the coin. People don't know you personally so they will try to dig a little deeper to see if there is more to it than you are letting on. This happens frequently enough you'll find! There are two sides to most stories! Perhaps your husbands nephew is posting somewhere on another forum wondering why people aren't accepting his gracious wedding invitation!;)

I do expect to hear from all sides and welcome contributions and opinions of the substance of my query, even if it doesn't gel with my own views. However, I have a problem with judgmental remarks of a personal nature that have little to do with my post, offer no real advice of worth and (IMO) some of which actually contravene the charter's Be Civil rules to wander into the field of speculation and flaming. Give your opinion of the problem and relevant advice not your abuse of the poster - is that not the spirit of Boards?
Of course there are two sides to every story but posters here need to work with the only side they're ever going to get and not attempt to play detective or psychologist.

On another note, LOL at the nephew's 'gracious wedding invitation' :pac: