Late wedding invite - are we the second tranche?

Teagwee

We've just received a late wedding invite with an RSVP of 15th May - everyone else we know who's invited seems to have received theirs about 5 weeks ago. It's not delayed post either - the postmark is 12th May and it appears the rest went out on the 1st April.
It's going to cost us quite a lot to attend this wedding (it's in the UK) and it's a member of my husband's family, who we rarely see or hear from. I am a bit miffed to have received this invite so late and feel we're just from the reserve list after the regrets were received from the first choice list. Would this be a fair assumption to make?
We've more or less decided not to go as it will cost in the region of 600 to 800 with flights and accommodation. The invite had an insert to the effect that they didn't need 'gifts' but were open to cash. If the invite had arrived the same time as everyone else's, we might have sprung for €100 even when we weren't attending. Under the circumstances, a cheque for €50 is about my limit!
I'd be interested to hear if these late invites are common practice - or am I just being cynical?

jlm29

Sounds like a second round invite alright. I'd post them over a set of coasters or something. If someone sent me an invite looking for money, I'd go out of my way to send them something else.

Teagwee

jlm29 wrote: »

Sounds like a second round invite alright. I'd post them over a set of coasters or something. If someone sent me an invite looking for money, I'd go out of my way to send them something else.

Haha, I'd just love to do that, but hubby wouldn't be up for it, I know. So, second round invitations DO happen? Sheesh, I just wish they hadn't bothered :mad:

lazygal

I wouldn't bother going Tbh. It sounds more like a cash drive than anything else.

When people refer to gifts and dress it up that they'd really appreciate cash because they have everything blah blah blah I'm usually inclined to send a with regrets card and nothing else.

mrsbyrne

Why oh why oh why would you think that you had to send these virtual strangers money in return for their insulting you by putting you on their subs bench????

tinkerbell

You rarely see the person, you are not attending the wedding so all you need to do is send a card. There is NO need to send a present of any sort.

mrsbyrne

tinkerbell wrote: »

You rarely see the person, you are not attending the wedding so all you need to do is send a card. There is NO need to send a present of any sort.

I wouldn't even RSVP. Not worth the stamp. Is there no e-mail facility?

Teagwee

If it were up to me, I'd simply send the regrets but it's a bit more complicated. It's my husband's nephew (his sister's son) and he doesn't want to create more ill feeling. They haven't really got along in years though and contact is strained enough already. He's only now beginning to believe that we were actually on the subs bench - or that such a thing even existed. Nothing worse than family for creating these kinds of issues
I don't want to become the baddy in this whole mess, so I'm trying to keep out of it as much as possible. It's a big enough victory that he agrees we're not going so I'm thankful for small mercies. I definitely feel we've been well and truly insulted and I hope these reserve list invites are not common.

LynnGrace

Teagwee wrote: »

If it were up to me, I'd simply send the regrets but it's a bit more complicated. It's my husband's nephew (his sister's son) and he doesn't want to create more ill feeling. They haven't really got along in years though and contact is strained enough already. He's only now beginning to believe that we were actually on the subs bench - or that such a thing even existed. Nothing worse than family for creating these kinds of issues
I don't want to become the baddy in this whole mess, so I'm trying to keep out of it as much as possible. It's a big enough victory that he agrees we're not going so I'm thankful for small mercies. I definitely feel we've been well and truly insulted and I hope these reserve list invites are not common.

I think you're right to steer clear as best you can. I wouldn't be bothered with giving them a gift, but if he prefers to, that is up to him, as you have said.
You have put me thinking now...my parents received a late invitation to a neighbour's wedding. They were told it was due to a 'mix-up'.
Maybe it was, but maybe it was a case of them being on a 'reserves list'. Hmmm.

Teagwee

mrsbyrne wrote: »

I wouldn't even RSVP. Not worth the stamp. Is there no e-mail facility?

Yes, there's an email and I'm going to reply sweetly and apologise for missing the RSVP date because I didn't get the invite in enough time to do so. I really can't resist letting them know I smell a rat :pac:
Thanks to everyone for the replies - I really appreciate knowing that I'm not just being paranoid or nasty. It must be some racket to have 2 invite lists to make everyone think they were specially invited, then not have to pay for any of their meals and still rake in the cash gifts from both groups who, like us, feel guilted into giving them.

Mrs OBumble

OP, I think you're being incredibly childish.

Almost no one can afford to invite absolutely everyone to their wedding. So most people have a list of folks they'd like to invite, but cannot afford to have. The choice is basically not invite them at all, or do a 2nd round. I know which I think is the meanest option.

Frankly, if being in the 2nd round upsets you that much, then it's probably best that you're not going because you'll probably find other things to be upset about too.

chrismon

Mrs OBumble wrote: »

it's probably best that you're not going because you'll probably find other things to be upset about too.

Wow

dixiefly

Mrs OBumble wrote: »

OP, I think you're being incredibly childish.

Almost no one can afford to invite absolutely everyone to their wedding. So most people have a list of folks they'd like to invite, but cannot afford to have. The choice is basically not invite them at all, or do a 2nd round. I know which I think is the meanest option.

Frankly, if being in the 2nd round upsets you that much, then it's probably best that you're not going because you'll probably find other things to be upset about too.

Ah come off it there, there is late and there is ridiculously late. The OP received the invitation after the RSVP date. I think that the late invite allied to the request for money (which is a very risky option) leaves the OP justifiably peeved and I think you are wrong to have a swipe at the OP implying the he/ her is easily miffed.
I am not saying that late invites are never sent out, I remember sending some late ones out for our wedding to friends that had been good friends but we had drifted from and it had been on my mind. However it was still well ahead of the RSVP date.
I also think that plenty of time should be given before the RSVP to allow for cases where a couple might feel they need to add someone on to the list.

dixiefly

Teagwee wrote: »

Yes, there's an email and I'm going to reply sweetly and apologise for missing the RSVP date because I didn't get the invite in enough time to do so. I really can't resist letting them know I smell a rat :pac:
Thanks to everyone for the replies - I really appreciate knowing that I'm not just being paranoid or nasty. It must be some racket to have 2 invite lists to make everyone think they were specially invited, then not have to pay for any of their meals and still rake in the cash gifts from both groups who, like us, feel guilted into giving them.

Also Teagwee, a close relation of mine go married last year and quite a few people that did not attend gave no present so, don't feel in any obligation to give a present. You could send a wedding card wishing them all the best on the day.

Boombastic

Teagwee wrote: »

..... ....Nothing worse than family for creating these kinds of issues
I .......... I definitely feel we've been well and truly insulted and I hope these reserve list invites are not common.

Who is creating the issue?

Late or not, the couple sent you an invite ( if you barely know the couple getting married, related or not, I'm not sure why you are so offended you not a priority
weddings are expensive, maybe they had just enough room for their friends and then the parents said Oh, you have to invite uncle x and and y from Ireland)


It's you who is adding the 'so insulted' 'subs bench' 'they want presents' yadda yadda and the rest of the drama.

If you don't want to go, don't go
If you want to go, go

But I don't see the need for the fake outrage, when was the last time ye saw the nephew and his girlfriend?

amdublin

I wouldn't make my decision on surmised "second tranche" yadda yadda.

You sound like you weren't going anyway.

Do what you were going to do all along. Go or not go. Send present or not send present.

December2012

If you had got the invite in the "first tranche" would anything have been different?

Cost of wedding travel (which in any event you're not going to spend anyway) - same

Invite wording - same

Relationship - same

Fact that you hadn't seen the couple - same

I don't understand the offence at being a second tranche invite - even if you were. It seems to me it's more appropriate that you were not at all invited given the above.

The only thing that is different because your invite arrived recently is you indicated you'll spend less on a gift.

I don't think it's something to be taking offence to.

fiona-f

Two things - weddings in UK are very different to here and nobody gives hundreds and hundreds in gifts, honestly £30 would be seen as a generous gift there so I don't see a money scam. Also wedding registry lists are fairly standard over there, hence them noting they don't have one.


Secondly, as you admit yourselves, you are not that close, everybody has different circles of intimacy which is why I never understand people being insulted by being "only" invited to afters. It's not like you expect the relationship with an occasional friend to be on the same level as a close family member in any other circumstance. Being invited late is indeed a bit rude but I bet anything that the intention was definitely not to insult you - perhaps they were really tight on numbers, perhaps the nephew was working it all out with your husband's sister if their relationship is as strained as you say it is. If they dislike you so much, there would definitely be no invitation at all. Sure, it has been handled clumsily but I bet at least the intention was an olive branch and it would be a mistake for you to react in any other spirit. Send a warm card regretfully declining with grace, including a gift or not is entirely up to you. Don't make a happy occasion for the couple into a passive aggressive row between the older generation.

Boombastic

He's only now beginning to believe that we were actually on the subs bench - or that such a thing even existed Nothing worse than family for creating these kinds of issues
I don't want to become the baddy in this whole mess, so I'm trying to keep out of it as much as possible. It's a big enough victory that he agrees we're not going so I'm thankful for small mercies. I definitely feel we've been well and truly insulted and I hope these reserve list invites are not common.

You say you are trying to keep out of it, but yet 'he is only now beginning to believe'suggests you are convincing him this is so

You talk about 'strained relationships' and 'how tough it is' yet you see declining the invite as a 'victory' and 'thankful for small mercies'

Tbh that doesn't sound much like keeping out of it. It sounds quite mean.

Neyite

I think you do have to take into account the different wedding cultures /expectations between Ireland and the UK. Gifts there are much less generous - £40 in an envelope is generous.

Having said that, I do understand a second tranche type thing - couples would love to invite everyone, but simply cant. There has to be a cutoff somewhere.

But, it really depends on how close you are to them, how closely related to them you are, and also other factors such as, if you are aunt/uncle, are all but you invited.

At the end of it all, a couple just want a nice day, with no undercurrents or family feuds to worry about. If you are already distanced /estranged to one of the parents, why on earth would a couple you don't know, who you ordinarily are unlikely to meet, invite you and potentially put their parent on edge for the day.

So I don't think in your case, I'd be insulted, given that you are not close, and don't know the couple very well. Just send a card (with a small amount if you feel it is good for diplomatic relations) and leave it at that.

fits

This kind of cr4p really puts me off weddings. There could be any number of reasons why you received the invite later than others. Maybe they ran out of stamps, or envelopes, or didn't have your address?

Also it is your husbands family so you really ought to stay out of it and let him have the greatest influence in deciding what's fair and what isn't and whether you should attend or not. Even if you're in the family a long time you can't be an accurate judge of their family relationships. If you decide in the end you aren't going, behave with good grace and send a small present imo

Chattastrophe!

Oh come on, it's an invite, not a summons.

You're not obliged to go. You obviously have no interest in going. So, just politely decline.

Don't get all offended about the "second tranche" thing, look at it from their point of view. Some of the original guests declined, they had more room in their budget to invite some more people, so they extended an invitation to you. By your own admission, you weren't close! But they were nicely offering the invitation (and that's all it is. There's no obligation on your part.)

I wouldn't feel the need to give any sort of a gift, unless you can afford to do so and want to do so.

I don't see why you're so offended at the idea of a late invite if you aren't even close to the couple in the first place.

Spring Onion

Yeah it's a cash drive for sure. I wouldn't even reply.

Teyla Emmagan

I wouldn't put anything in about not having received enough notice, that may be true but it's unnecessary to add. You were still invited so it's still an olive branch. Just be polite and send them genuine best wishes. I don't think it's that odd you weren't on the original list, you are clearly not that close. But a place became available and you were still invited. Just be gracious and move on.

Spring Onion

Chattastrophe! wrote: »

Oh come on, it's an invite, not a summons.

Often you would prefer a summons...

faceman

Mrs OBumble wrote: »

OP, I think you're being incredibly childish.

Almost no one can afford to invite absolutely everyone to their wedding. So most people have a list of folks they'd like to invite, but cannot afford to have. The choice is basically not invite them at all, or do a 2nd round. I know which I think is the meanest option.

Frankly, if being in the 2nd round upsets you that much, then it's probably best that you're not going because you'll probably find other things to be upset about too.

This by a million

No disrespect to the OP, it's sounds like the issue here isn't the wedding invite but with the people involved themselves that has been going on long before wedding invites were issued.

Milly33

Sounds like a second round alright. No if you said ye were in the same country I would say sure go for it, but getting a 2nd round invite if you are living abroad is a bit cheeky, so send the rsvp out of politeness and say no that's if you don't want to go..

I wouldn't be too miffed about the 2nd round invite thing, I know taking to a friend who do this it isn't as bad as some people think sometimes it just runs down to that they can only have a certain amount of guests so send out the invites on day one to those who are the closest maybe or those that they have to invite out of family even if they don't really want them there.. this is sounding bad now reading it but ye get what I mean it isn't all thinking for money and what not, sometimes it just comes down to numbers.

I do think though if you are abroad you would get one first off though as ye have to plan to travel.

stinkle

Milly33 wrote: »

I wouldn't be too miffed about the 2nd round invite thing, I know taking to a friend who do this it isn't as bad as some people think sometimes it just runs down to that they can only have a certain amount of guests so send out the invites on day one to those who are the closest maybe or those that they have to invite out of family even if they don't really want them there.. this is sounding bad now reading it but ye get what I mean it isn't all thinking for money and what not, sometimes it just comes down to numbers.

I do think though if you are abroad you would get one first off though as ye have to plan to travel.

We actually did just this yesterday, eek! We can only have a certain number and sent out invites to relatives first. Between one thing and another loads took their time getting back to us, then we had a couple of "can my (grown-up) child bring a +1?" and others assuming their young children were invited. It's only in the last couple of days we realised that yay we are able to ask a few more friends along to the whole day. Thankfully my mates were fine with this and I was totally upfront about it - most are already married and were in similar situations themselves recently phew!

I wouldn't have risked it with family - especially anyone living abroad as flights etc are often much more expensive as the date gets closer.

Milly33

Few I was expecting to get an earful for saying that haha..I don't think id be bothered either and like that its an invite not a summons if you cant or don't want to go, tis grand don't go...

Did you put anything in the invites to say about kids or older plus ones? Suppose tis good that they asked rather than just showing up.. I thought picking the venue would be hard but seems like the wording of invites might be the next ahhhh

stinkle

Oh I know thank goodness they asked or we might have been very surprised on the day! Plus one thing was grand - someone who was already in our good books who was the first to RSVP asked. I felt bad cos I remembered I had seen something on fb about there being a potential +1 for their daughter so agreed it was ok. Then another relative from the same branch of the family asked about their son's OH (who are going out longer) so we had to agree there too! Then the RSVP just assumed the small child was coming so that was an awkward phone call! I should point out all were on OH's side and it turns out it's because he never put in my carefully-worded RSVP cards in the envelopes with the invites! So yes, we did have them just he forgot to send them to his family :pac:

Our friends have been grand about it - we actually went to a few afters of theirs so we knew they'd be ok if we couldnt squeeze them into the whole day. I've even said to ignore the RSVP date as it was more to get our relatives to get the finger out and let us know instead of leaving us hanging. I've a few closer mates who got invites in the first round (hate saying that) but they don't all know each other and now everyone will know a few people

MammaZita

I know someone who did this a number of years ago. She sent her invitations out in 3 tranches- all with different RSVP dates. Her venue was abroad and had a minimum guest number, as most do. Towards the end she was inviting parents of people from the first tranche- out of either desperation, or in a bid for presents (she admitted to knowing they'd never attend). Crazy silly stuff.