I am hell bent on getting her back

iusedtoknow

WantHerBack wrote: »

Maybe I got a bit carried away in what I said so.

I'm truly not a nut case. Show her the light was more a phrase I was using.

Anyway, a stalker is going to say he's not a stalker I presume. Acceptance of an issue is usually the last thing that somebody has.

I can't convince any of you that I am not loose in the head and frankly, I don't have the energy to invest in showing you that I am not.

The crux of the matter here is that I miss my girlfriend. I love her with all of my heart and having been through the mill before with past realtionships, I've never wanted to fight for somebody as much as I want to fight for her.

Saying that I don't love her because my train of though wasn't to protect her from hurt as opposed to myself re the party is petty.

Self preservation keeps people sane. I have no doubt that being the strong lass that she is that she would have been a-o-k with me there. Plus, she most likely had her new partner there to support her had my presence been an issue.

Nonetheless, the mainstream view here is that I don't do it. But that genuinely isn't what I want to hear because that's just not really an option.

I am not planning a full frontal assault on her. I am not planning on intruding into her life. I am not planning on upsetting her in anyway. I am not planning on sitting outside her home with a camera in the vague hope that I catch a glimpse of her.

That's not what I mean.

My question is how do I reappear into her life (with total agenda) and try and restart what was.

I understand I may end up hurt again. I understand that it may all go tits up on me and leave me in a mess but if nobody took risks in their lives, then this world would be a very boring place.

I am not sure there's an easy way of just reappearing after so long. I wouldn't favour e-mail as frankly, I find it so impersonal but then again, it may be the only way.

Thanks for your responses anyway. I am sorry some of you have a distorted view on me. I am sound enough to realise that you don't know the full picture on me and as such can only judge me on what you have above so no hard feelings.

I have limited if indeed any belief in faith. Faith hasn't done an awful lot for anybody in this world. For all I know, she is having the same conversation in her head and wondering how to intimate contact too. Long shot as it may be, nothing in this world is set in stone and she's worth standing up for…………. well she is in my eyes anyway.

I think you still need to take a step back. It's a cliche, but it's true - you can't always get what you want...no matter how much you want it. Just because you feel you want her back, doesn't mean by any stretch that SHE wants you back. Think about it for a second...she does not want to be with you - if she did...she would be - you would not be broken up, or she would have at least tried to patch things up with you. But she didn't - she has another BF and her life is moving on.

You need to try and put her, or whatever idealized version of her you have in your mind and try to move passed this.

qdawg86

WantHerBack wrote: »

My question is how do I reappear into her life (with total agenda) and try and restart what was.

You are in her life though. If she wanted to speak to you or see you, she could call you or go see you in person (I'm assuming she knows where you live and has your number).

But she's not because she doesn't want to.

It sounds like she has already seen the light and has made her decision.

You need to see the light and accept it.

Faith

WantHerBack wrote: »

I have limited if indeed any belief in faith. Faith hasn't done an awful lot for anybody in this world.

Hey

Seriously though, I have a friend who is/was in your exact situation. He wrote her a letter and poured out all his feelings to her in that. Perhaps, if you want to give it one last shot, that's what you could try. It's more personal than an email and less pressure than a phone call or meeting.

Beware, however. My friend got rejected all over again and it damn near killed him. It set him right back to day 1 of their breakup. But he felt he needed to do it so in some ways it may have helped, because it completely killed any hope he had of them getting back together.

LegacyUser

WantHerBack wrote: »

The crux of the matter here is that I miss my girlfriend

I dont think you are a looney toon or anything of the sort!

But

She is not your girlfriend anymore. The fact you wrote the above 10000% shows that you are, indeed, in a deep deep denial.

She broke up with you. And is now seeing someone else. They are the facts. She isnt stringing you along or making gestures or giving you false hopes. You are doing all that by yourself in your own head.

Denial is probably the hardest part (the next emotion to acceptance being anger, eventually acceptance) to get through. You'll rationalise everything, blame, alot of "how can I's", begging, pleading.

Some people go though this stage quickly enough. Others can take longer (we are all different, after all). Others, like yourself, get stuck.

The first rule of solving a problem, is actually acknowledging there is one. So, I dont think, right now anyways, there is any point in making this post longer.

eviltwin

I think sending the letter or an email explaining exactly how you feel is the best way to go.

But you have to face facts its not looking good, she ended it, she has a new guy in her life...you may feel she is the right one for you but clearly she don't feel the same way.

If you send her a message and she doesn't get back or tells you you're wasting your time at least its closure, just be prepared for the knockback and be prepared to accept it and finally move on.

Thespoofer

Dry your eyes mate, I know its hard to take but her mind has been made up,
theres plenty more fish in the sea.....

LegacyUser

Listen if you truly loved her you would let her go and be happy.


I would ask you. What is going on in your life right now?

Because this is more to do with you and your situation than her.

Have you considered counseling.

Why can't you be happy without her?

You need to be happy alone to be happy with someone.

Otherwise that is too much pressure on someone.

LegacyUser

Thespoofer wrote: »

Dry your eyes mate, I know its hard to take but her mind has been made up,
theres plenty more fish in the sea.....

OP I agree with this, I also think a major factor here is that SHE ended it.

I don't think I could advise you what to do unless I knew why she broke up with you in the first place.. Seems to me like you're going down a path here, and me thinks it's going to lead you to heartbreak.

Czarcasm

OP what age are you and how long did you know your ex, how long were you in a relationship with her? I'm just looking for a bit of background because you're absolutely right when you say nobody here knows you, but your ex girlfriend knows you, and she chose to end the relationship. I can imagine it had something to do with the way you come across in your posts as far too intense, dare I say an unhealthy level of intensity bordering on obsessive.

You're not the first person ever to have your heart broken and your head all over the place, saying things you don't mean and things coming out arseways, but a few months is a relatively short space of time, and your ex is with someone else now. She has decided to be with someone that's not you, and you have to learn to come to terms with that reality, not the one that's currently festering in your head. That's not and never will be a reality, and you need to begin to accept this in order for you to move on.

It's pretty unanimous at this stage that people here are trying to help you, not help you worm your way back into your ex girlfriend's life, as there is no longer space for you in her life, and you need to listen and act on what you're being told here because I doubt there's anyone has posted here that hasn't been in your position.

Thing is though, they've come through it and were able to move on with their lives and meet new people, and along the way they matured and developed and grew as a person, and that's at least something positive you can take from this experience and start to build on that much.

PCX

Hi OP,

Like a lot of the people who have posted here I have been in the same position as you and it is not nice. When someone that you love ends a relationship with you it can leave you in turmoil for a long time.

The best thing that you can do for yourself is to accept that the relationship that you had is gone. It is only when you have done that, that the pain will begin to ease for you and you'll start to be able to move on. It may feel now that you will never get over this or will never find anyone else but countless people have been through this before you and have come out the other side, moved on and found new, healthy and happy relationships. This will happen for you too but first you have to let go.

You say that doing nothing is not an option for you however you need to except that a relationship is only good if both people want it and are committed to it. You cannot make a relationship work by yourself. You will never convince her that it is better to be in a relationship with you if she does not want to be in it. While she was with you she made a choice that the relationship was not right for her. Being in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to be there would be no good for you either.

If you really need the closure then write her one email. Tell her that you miss being in a relationship with her and if she feels the same way you would like to give it a go a second time. Then tell her that if she does not feel the same way then you will accept that and move on. Keep it short. There is no point in poring your heart out as her mind will be made up by the time you spent together and whether she wants that back and not by any pleading you do or by saying you were meant to be together. Contrary to what you think I believe an email is the ideal way to send this message as it is not too intrusive. Maybe you don't want to email her as you think that you can convince her if you have a better chance to tell her how great a relationship with you would be - she already knows what your relationship was like, and if that was right for her, so she already has all of the information she needs to make the decision. Try to make it easier for her to have the space to think and let you know.

If she replies that she does not want to restart a relationship then you have your answer. Respect her decision (you should take no reply as a no too). Don't try to contact her again. Keep your word and move on. It won't be easy but it is the right thing for both you and her.

December2012

She broke up with you, so it's up to her to try and get back with you if she wants.

She hasn't tried to, so she doesn't want to.

My advice to you is to try to heal your pain, maybe talk with a trusted friend or a therapist. And then move on and live your life well.

LegacyUser

OP, I know we don't know the background or how you were with her, and I believe you when you say you are not 'stalkerish' but you certainly don't sound like you are thinking level at the minute. You definitely need more time to even out, sounds like your emotions are running very high.

If you are sure she is the one for you, I feel like you need to sort yourself out first....go to the gym, running, anything....the outcome could be one of two things.

1. The distraction could show you that that's what you needed...a distraction, not specifically the relationship back.

2. You could be 100% sure when/if you do speak to her that you are level headed. As a female, I'm sorry to be brutal, but if you were my ex and spoke to me in the intensity that comes across in this post, it would be the biggest turn off ever. She will run in the other direction.

Wait a while, if you feel the same then shoot her off a text saying you miss her or something. If she doesn't reply, back right off. You never know, time changes things. Could go either way.

Good luck, and look after yourself first!

strobe

If you're dead set on trying to get back with her. Than I agree with what someone else said. Send her ONE email. Telling her you would like to give things another shot etc.

But just to suggest something you don't seem to have considered... The fact she entered into a relationship with someone else so quickly could mean there was some overlap there. Its possible she was carrying on with this guy for a time before she finally pulled the plug on your relationship man.

I'd be with the majority here and wouldn't even go with the one email tbh. You'll feel the exact same as you do about this girl about another girl at some point. Just let it go. Go find someone that wants to be with you and feels the same about you as you do about them. Your ex obviously doesn't. If she did she wouldn't have ended things. At best she just doesn't feel that way about you and more than likely didn't for a while before finally ending things, if she ever did. At worst she was cheating on you for a while with this other guy and stringing you along until she was sure the new guy would have her and she could make the jump.

Dig deep and move on. There's better things ahead and all you're doing is pushing them further into the future than they have to be and wasting precious time you'll never ever get back. You could meet the potential love of your life tomorrow or next week or next month, but if you're still pining over your ex you'll do nothing about it and she'll slip through your fingers and some other lucky bastard will snap her up.

such is life 2

my ex ended with me recently and I was hurting and wanted to fight for her and all that stuff but it hit me one day she moved on and so must I, i went out with friends had the craic and made it my business to get back out there. I also thought we were meant to be but after a time in darkness and hurt you just have to dust off the shackles and try again with someone else , her mind is made up aint gona change it now ted. BUT I would defo get out on the night scene and get chatting to girls, nothing to loose. Even if you dont feel like it i defo would, grab the bull by the horns.

Matteroffact

She knows how you feel Op. She knows you did not want to break up with her. She knows how to contact you if she changes her mind. She knows what it is like to be with you so there is no need for you to contact her to tell her...........she knows. There is nothing you can do at this stage to win her back. The relationship has run its course and she wants to move on. You don't have to live in the past, you can move on too. All it takes is for you to meet someone else who appreciates who you are and you will feel good again. This woman is not the right person for you because she does not reciprocate your feelings and if you pursue her it will only lead to more heartache for you, which is not what you want. It takes a while to get over the pain you are feeling right now, but if you can forget about trying to win this woman back you will begin to recover. You shouldn't have to change who you are to win someone's love, the right woman will see you for what you are and love you for yourself. Just start to appreciate yourself OP and all your good points and don't let this woman make you think any the less of yourself. You are still the same wonderful person she met, her loss.

artvanderlay

She obviously had her reasons for breaking up with you - maybe look in the mirror and see is there anything you could have done better. Then try to fix these things, and move on with your life...think of this way, if you do improve yourself, if there ever was a chance with your girlfriend again, then there would be less reason for her to leave you again if you had made serious efforts to change. Even taking time to improve yourself and also to do things you want to do, will help to heal your pain at her loss...be optimistic: by moving on, changing things/improving, you will start to think less about your ex and will be a better person, and who knows who you might meet down the line? Maybe somebody that is a better fit than your girlfriend, that will appreciate you more. You will always have tough days, but my advice would be STAY BUSY! Paint your house, get lots of physical exercise, listen to loud music etc Also, clear out any pictures of her, any old communications on phones/computers, any music that reminds you of her...whenever I am feeling down and low, I find swearing at/berating myself very motivational as well

Linka

I agree with others, it's time to move on. She ended it because she didn't see a future with you for whatever reason. Your refusal to accept that is just prolonging your anguish.

WantHerBack wrote: »

Right so my ex and I parted ways a few months back. I was pretty cut up over the whole thing. She was not. She moved on pretty quickly with a new bloke

It doesn't really matter how long it took her to move on, she has and there is nothing more to be said. This isn't going to be easy to hear, but the other guy hasn't done anything on you. It is not his fault she split up with you before meeting him. The point I'm getting at is you shouldn't disregard their relationship purely because you feel it's too soon for her to have moved on. She seems fairly certain about what she's doing, so she must have known her own feelings for some time.

Idle Passerby

Put yourself in your ex's shoes: she was in a relationship she was unhappy with, she probably thought about whether to end it for a while before breaking the news to you that it was over. She may have been sad, but also relieved I would imagine, that she had got out of a situation she was unhappy in. She met someone else and is apparently happy with him. She has not contacted you, you can only assume she has moved on and has put her time with you behind her.

So now that she's happy with someone else, a guy she dumped months ago getting in contact would in my opinion come across as a bit pathetic and deeply unattractive. Not to mention a bit arrogant on his part, for thinking he could somehow lure her away from a guy she is, I assume happier with.

You cant force someone to like you OP. She made her choice and from what you say she seems to be happy with it.

jigglypuffstuff

OP whats meant for you wont pass you, if thats meant to be then it will be
, if you let something go and it returns to you then its yours, if it doesnt it never was!

In the meantime i suggest you focus on you

I went through a particularly strange breakup about 5 or 6 weeks ago, we broke up because my ex is going home to Poland and niether of us really wanted to break up.

6 weeks later..I can see how wrong she was for me and how i never would have settled for a life with her...I pitied her so much i couldnt see past how bad a girlfriend she was...I wouldnt listen to my family when they told me..but I see it now....now ive had so many positive things happen me its hard to believe..go out and make things happen and forget about her.

Seriously man do yourself a favour here!! we were talking about the future the night before and this just happened, it was a smack to the face for both of us at the time and hurt like hell, but the fact is it was the wakeup slap I needed! take her leaving you as the wakeup slap you need to get yourself into a good state of mind

OP breakups suck for everyone, mine happened a month before my finals started. But know that there is a grieving to a breakup and you will come out the other side of it

Take off the rose tinted glasses, take your ex off the pedastel you have her on, trust me it makes it a lot easier.

Maphisto

WantHerBack wrote: »

In fact, I was invited to a party recently where I knew she would be and I respectfully declined on the merit that I knew that I wouldn't be able to handle being there with her but not actually with her.

My €0.02, you should have gone to the party, been pleasant to your ex and your ex's new beau. You should have shown her that you were fine without her and really having a good time.

That's not a way its the only way.

I don't think getting her back is a good idea, but you won't do it by staying at home on your own.

I wish you well

LegacyUser

I think you should do what is best for you ?

What is best for you?

What will help your future happiness?

Will this help or will it hurt you?

I would suggest you don't try to engineer or avoid situations around any person. Just live.

Even if you were to be with this girl in future in this mindset you would not be happy?


Were you like this in the relationship?

How long were you together?

DO you know what went wrong? Why she was unhappy? Can you change that and acknowledge what can be different this time?

Is this woman worth it?

And I think if she was your ex she of all wants you to be happy and not unhappy or in pain.

otnomart

WantHerBack wrote: »

She ended it.

If you ended it, I would say you could still make contact and explain how you regretted it and had changed your mind.
But, she ended, so I would say: move on with your life and don't look back.
Best of luck, OP

Dellnum

We have all been in this situation OP where we would do anything to win back an ex lover and if there was a successful solution to this problem it would be out there by now and general knowledge and there would be no broken relationships. The thing is there is nothing that can be done to win back an ex. They have to want to come back and the onus is on them to come looking for us if they want us and not us trying to think up ways to get them back. It just doesn't work OP and your best bet to looking attractive to this woman is to go out and have a good time and be seen to be enjoying life.

singledad80

I would forget it if I where you, I am going through this my self at the moment and things are very sore I want to be civil about it and she wants to see me burn just back off and may be she might see the light if you keep pushing her she just keep backing into a corner away from you, I know its easy said than done I see my wife driving off a cliff and no matter how much it hurts nothing I can do except either watch and hope she sees the cliff or move on with my life and leave her to it.

annettea

Im going to post as i was in a similar situation and posted a similar question 2 years ago !! All of the replys were not to go back with him. I thought everyone was wrong but actually I was wrong. He met another girl the next day we broke up and I was just heartbroken especially since we went out for 4 years. Anyway we got back together . i got pregnant straight away . even now I get really upset thinking he was with someone else. Few days before I found out I was pregnant I was thinking of ending it. I didn't trust him I looked at him in disgust and to be honest I still do.
Its hard knowing someone you truely love is with someone else but listen to the posters you'll get over her. You will find someone new who you will love and they will love you back.
Answer the questions. Why did ye break up? Do you want her back cause she's with someone else and not you? Are you lonely? If you do go back will you be happy with her knowing she was with someone else ? Will your problems with the relationship come back?
Best of luck . i really wish i listened to the posters 2 years ago