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Could a happily married man have an affair ?

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    #32
    Tigger
    Closed Accounts Posts: 16,707 ✭✭✭✭Tigger


    Deleted User wrote: »
    I was on your side til you made that post.

    How comes it's okay for you to sleep with a married man, but a woman sleeping with your partner is a 'dirty tramp'? :confused:

    cos perspective is perception


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    #33
    Tigger
    Closed Accounts Posts: 16,707 ✭✭✭✭Tigger


    professore wrote: »
    Quite frankly that's bull****. 20 is old enough to know right from wrong. Not excusing the man but she knew what she was doing too.

    what age are you ? i'm only wondering because i rember thinking 20 was a grown up and now i see 20 year olds and i see something different
    i'm 39 :(


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    #34
    professore
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,857 ✭✭✭professore


    Tigger wrote: »
    what age are you ? i'm only wondering because i rember thinking 20 was a grown up and now i see 20 year olds and i see something different
    i'm 39 :(

    I'm 42. I know plenty of 42 year olds who never grew up and 18 year olds who are adults. Takes all sorts.


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    #35
    professore
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,857 ✭✭✭professore


    Some people seem to have an ability to concoct a view of the world that bears no resemblance to reality but suits whatever fantasy they are entertaining at the moment regardless of the overwhelming evidence to the contrary.


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    #36
    Chimamanda
    Registered Users Posts: 23 ✭Chimamanda


    Afroshack wrote: »
    This is the part that I'd be concerned about - were those his words or yours? If they are his I'd be worried that he is trying to put the blame on the other woman by trying to portray her as the sex-crazy irresponsible nympho, whilst he is the dearly devoted man who was led on and had it 'handed to him on a plate.' Now obviously I don't know him and I would never doubt his love for you, but if that was the way it came across to you, chances are he's not looking to take full responsibility for this. Additionally if they are your words and not his, perhaps you could be allowing the woman to shoulder a bit more of the blame than him? It takes two to tango after all, and it's important that everyone acknowledges both their responsibility in committing an affair.

    Hope you do work things out though :)

    They are my words . I found out about the affair (which happened 4 years ago ) several weeks ago as she sent him a text reminiscing about a certain 'date' they'd had . She's a work colleague of his . I confronted her when I found out and she told me that she was very jealous of me . She always fancied him and hated they way he constantly went on and on about how much he loved me and our kids , so she set out to try and ruin our marriage . She said she realised quite early on that he was never going to leave me and that the affair 'fizzled out' . He has taken full responsibility for his actions . He said he was 'flattered' by all the attention he was getting and just didn't think about how this could affect me or us .
    I think he was caught up in the whole ego massage trap and thought with the part of his anatomy that doesn't contain his brain !
    You know , I can specifically remember back to that period in our relationship and remember it as a particularly happy time (bizarre isn't it ?) We've always had a great marriage , but the last four and half half years have been particularly good . Maybe this affair was a wake up call for him ? I don't know . And I don't know if our marriage will survive , but I do know that it's worth fighting to save .
    I really really appreciate all of your support , advice and honesty guys XXX Thanks.


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    #37
    Soon To Be Glue
    Registered Users Posts: 4 ✭Soon To Be Glue


    OP - two questions that i think are important.
    (1) Could you clarify affair - I would consider an affair to be ongoing/repeated. A single incidence of infidelity would not be an affair
    (2) How did you find out about "affair"?

    For item 1 - if it was an affair, then no, i do not think a happily married man would have an affair. If it was a single incidence, then it would need a bit more information, but i think a happily married man would be tempted and it becomes more a case of how they are feeling at that moment in time (is there stress at home, stress at work, etc). Any kind of sexual attention is flattering and enjoyable regardless of whether you are happily married or not but it becoming more than innocent flirtation/banter/etc, it largely depends on the current state of the person as to how far it goes.

    As others have said before me, it is possible that he does love you but if he has had an affair, i would said he is not happily married. Why he is unhappy is a different story (may have nothing to do with you or his family but where he is in life). If you want to recover from this and move forward an open and honest discussion will need to be had between him and you. At the end of this, you will have to review and decide can you move forward and forgive/understand what has happened.


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    #38
    sopretty
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,009 ✭✭✭sopretty


    For the record, you can be happily married, but unhappy with other aspects of your life. Your satisfaction with your marriage is not changed. I think the man in my case, respected and loved his wife too much to worry her about his concerns financially. He had no financial concerns, only a pressure he put on himself to maintain a particular lifestyle for his wife and children.


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    #39
    thebullkf
    Registered Users Posts: 3,006 ✭✭✭thebullkf


    Chimamanda wrote: »
    They are my words . I found out about the affair (which happened 4 years ago ) several weeks ago as she sent him a text reminiscing about a certain 'date' they'd had . She's a work colleague of his . I confronted her when I found out and she told me that she was very jealous of me . She always fancied him and hated they way he constantly went on and on about how much he loved me and our kids , so she set out to try and ruin our marriage . She said she realised quite early on that he was never going to leave me and that the affair 'fizzled out' . He has taken full responsibility for his actions . He said he was 'flattered' by all the attention he was getting and just didn't think about how this could affect me or us .
    I think he was caught up in the whole ego massage trap and thought with the part of his anatomy that doesn't contain his brain !
    You know , I can specifically remember back to that period in our relationship and remember it as a particularly happy time (bizarre isn't it ?) We've always had a great marriage , but the last four and half half years have been particularly good . Maybe this affair was a wake up call for him ? I don't know . And I don't know if our marriage will survive , but I do know that it's worth fighting to save .
    I really really appreciate all of your support , advice and honesty guys XXX Thanks.


    Why were you reading texts on his phone?


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    #40
    sopretty
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,009 ✭✭✭sopretty


    Can I also add op, that while I was never jealous of his wife, I actually hoped to find a man in the future who would adore me and speak so lovingly and highly of me as he did. I know that sounds bizarre. But that was the reality.


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    #41
    thebullkf
    Registered Users Posts: 3,006 ✭✭✭thebullkf


    So pretty, can you just leave this thread It's not about you. Start your own thread. No offence meant.


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    #42
    sopretty
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,009 ✭✭✭sopretty


    thebullkf wrote: »
    So pretty, can you just leave this thread It's not about you. Start your own thread. No offence meant.

    No problem. Consider me gone.


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    #43
    Engine No.9
    Registered Users Posts: 1,128 ✭✭✭Engine No.9


    OP, there's actually a deeper issue here in that he kept it a secret for 4 and a half years. Maybe the fact you're marriage has never been better in all this time is a result of his guilt and an attempt to "cover his tracks" so to speak.


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    #44
    eviltwin
    Registered Users Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    You were just (un)lucky you found out, it doesn't seem as though he would have ever told you about it. Only for picking up the phone you would be none the wiser. I would be suspicious of that and wondering if this is a first offence or if he had done it before or since with someone else. If you can manage to hide an affair and get away with it, its got to give you some bravado that you can do it again.


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    #45
    singledad80
    Closed Accounts Posts: 142 ✭✭singledad80


    I be honest I was very happily married to my wife I loved her with all my heart, I loved been part of a family our family but we had the same problem over the years when he came to one of our sons it finally got to me and I ended up having affair on her because another women listen to my problems when I eventually came home a few months later my wife had falling out of love with me and I lost every thing that really was important to me. So yes you can and I wish I can say it was drink but truth be told it came down to just some actually listen to me.


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    #46
    Greendiamond
    Registered Users Posts: 94 ✭✭Greendiamond


    I don't think it's a question of love. It's a question of respect. A husband who has an affair is disrespecting his wife. He may still love her but he is being selfish and disrespectful. I don't buy 'excuses' for an affair. If you are having a problem be it a work problem, a mid life crisis , boredom etc then you discuss that with your wife. If you find it difficult to discuss then write a letter or go see a counsellor. Having an affair is not the appropriate response to a problem.
    As for handing it on a plate..... all a husband has to do is say firmly 'I am not interested. I am married. Leave me alone ' and that's the end of it.

    For me there would be no recovering from an affair. The trust would be gone. It would nearly be worse if it happened during a happy period during a marriage.
    Having said that many marriages do recover but for me it would be a deal breaker.


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    #47
    Chimamanda
    Registered Users Posts: 23 ✭Chimamanda


    singledad80 wrote: »
    I be honest I was very happily married to my wife I loved her with all my heart, I loved been part of a family our family but we had the same problem over the years when he came to one of our sons it finally got to me and I ended up having affair on her because another women listen to my problems when I eventually came home a few months later my wife had falling out of love with me and I lost every thing that really was important to me. So yes you can and I wish I can say it was drink but truth be told it came down to just some actually listen to me.

    Singledad , I'm sorry to hear that :( You sound like you really , genuinely regret your affair and that you wish you could turn back the clock :( In my heart I feel that my husband does too and that's why I am willing to give it a try .


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    #48
    Chimamanda
    Registered Users Posts: 23 ✭Chimamanda


    Greendiamond wrote: »
    I don't think it's a question of love. It's a question of respect. A husband who has an affair is disrespecting his wife. He may still love her but he is being selfish and disrespectful. I don't buy 'excuses' for an affair. If you are having a problem be it a work problem, a mid life crisis , boredom etc then you discuss that with your wife. If you find it difficult to discuss then write a letter or go see a counsellor. Having an affair is not the appropriate response to a problem.
    As for handing it on a plate..... all a husband has to do is say firmly 'I am not interested. I am married. Leave me alone ' and that's the end of it.

    For me there would be no recovering from an affair. The trust would be gone. It would nearly be worse if it happened during a happy period during a marriage.
    Having said that many marriages do recover but for me it would be a deal breaker.

    Thank you Greendiamond . Yes , if I'm being honest , what's possibly hurting me the most is the fact that he didn't come to me to talk about whatever was bothering him (but he still insists that nothing was bothering him !!) And yes , there is no excuse for what he did , but there can be forgiveness . I'd certainly hope that he could forgive me and stand by me if I did something wrong ( and I believe he would ) . It is not going to be easy and I'm not sure if I can ever trust him again , but I will try because it's worth fighting for .


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    #49
    MagicMarker
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 32,865 ✭✭✭✭MagicMarker


    pajopearl wrote: »
    BTW, sopretty, I don't believe you did anything wrong. As a single 20something, you're free to pursue any man you like who's also of a like mind. IMO, he was the wrongdoer here.

    I can't agree with this at all, it's a total cop out. If someone knowingly pursues a sexual relationship with someone who is married with kids, then they absolutely are doing something wrong. We all make choices, and while sopretty didn't take any vows in this case and is technically free to be with who she wants, she chose to be the "other woman". She chose to be the one who could have and might yet still play a bit part in the breakup of a family, and the heartache of an innocent wife and children.

    Sopretty knows herself that what she did was wrong, otherwise she wouldn't have ended it out of guilt.


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    #50
    Engine No.9
    Registered Users Posts: 1,128 ✭✭✭Engine No.9


    MagicMarker wrote: »
    she chose to be the "other woman".

    Here's the problem with Irish society today with this issue. She didn't choose to be the "Other Woman", she just happened to be a woman who was sexually attracted to a man who happened to be married. It happens everyday, most choose to ignore it, others don't. Her moral centre made her run and that was her decision, but it was the man in this scenario who had the responsibility to his family. This girl has no responsibility, NO RESPONSIBILITY to the man's family.

    In the case of the OP, which is why we're here let's not forget, that woman did have a responsibility towards the OP and her kids as when.the OP confronted her, she admitted that she was jealous and wanted to rip her life apart. Very very different set of circumstances and motivations.

    I still think the crux of this matter rests on the fact that the OPs I husband kept this a secret for 4 and a half years giving rise to the question what else is he hiding and what he will hide in the future and get away with for another significant amount of time!?


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    #51
    MagicMarker
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 32,865 ✭✭✭✭MagicMarker


    pajopearl wrote: »
    Here's the problem with Irish society today with this issue. She didn't choose to be the "Other Woman", she just happened to be a woman who was sexually attracted to a man who happened to be married. It happens everyday, most choose to ignore it, others don't. Her moral centre made her run and that was her decision, but it was the man in this scenario who had the responsibility to his family. This girl has no responsibility, NO RESPONSIBILITY to the man's family.

    In the case of the OP, which is why we're here let's not forget, that woman did have a responsibility towards the OP and her kids as when.the OP confronted her, she admitted that she was jealous and wanted to rip her life apart. Very very different set of circumstances and motivations.

    So in one scenario the other woman had 'NO RESPONSIBILITY', but in the other scenario she did? That's some double standard you have right there.

    Yes, different circumstances and motivations, one did it out of jealousy, the the other seems to have done it simply because the guy was rich. Both equally abhorrent to me, and carry the same responsibility.


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    #52
    wired117
    Registered Users Posts: 97 ✭✭wired117


    Hope works out for you, don't listen to anyone but your heart.


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    #53
    Engine No.9
    Registered Users Posts: 1,128 ✭✭✭Engine No.9


    MagicMarker wrote: »
    So in one scenario the other woman had 'NO RESPONSIBILITY', but in the other scenario she did? That's some double standard you have right there.

    Yes, different circumstances and motivations, one did it out of jealousy, the the other seems to have done it simply because the guy was rich. Both equally abhorrent to me, and carry the same responsibility.

    No, you misunderstood. Ordinarily the other woman wouldn't have had a responsibility towards the OP and her family. By making it about jealousy and having an agenda, she's the one that moved the goalposts on herself.


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    #54
    Micky Dolenz
    Registered Users Posts: 44,080 ✭✭✭✭Micky Dolenz


    A man can love one woman but want to have sex with others.For some there is a world of difference between love and sex.


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    #55
    singledad80
    Closed Accounts Posts: 142 ✭✭singledad80


    If you really love him and he really does love you give him a chance I beg you maybe it be the right decision you will ever make and even though my wife has done some horrible things to me now just to hurt me because of what I did I still love her and I know just one hug from her would make all the pain go away, I was trying to tell her I told her I was struggle she was just scared to do more, I don't blame her for it all I blame my self for running away and she just doesn't want to give me another chance and I respect that.
    If i was your husband chinamanda i spend the rest of my life making you happy and I only wish my wife could her my words.


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    #56
    S.R.
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 667 ✭✭✭S.R.


    Chimamanda wrote: »
    Hi guys . I'm looking for a male perspective here if you wouldn't mind .
    I just wondered if a happily married man could ever consider/engage in an affair ?
    Let's say you could get away with it and didn't think your wife would find out ?
    Is it possible to love someone and be happily married yet get your kicks elsewhere too coz it's handed to you on a plate ?
    My husband claims that he loves me dearly and has never stopped loving me even though he was having sex with someone else . Is it a load of bs or could he be telling me the truth ?

    How did you find out?


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    #57
    Engine No.9
    Registered Users Posts: 1,128 ✭✭✭Engine No.9


    S.R. wrote: »
    How did you find out?

    She happened upon his texts one day.


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    #58
    Greendiamond
    Registered Users Posts: 94 ✭✭Greendiamond


    Chimamanda wrote: »
    Thank you Greendiamond . Yes , if I'm being honest , what's possibly hurting me the most is the fact that he didn't come to me to talk about whatever was bothering him (but he still insists that nothing was bothering him !!) And yes , there is no excuse for what he did , but there can be forgiveness . I'd certainly hope that he could forgive me and stand by me if I did something wrong ( and I believe he would ) . It is not going to be easy and I'm not sure if I can ever trust him again , but I will try because it's worth fighting for .

    Many marriages do recover and its easy for me to say its a deal breaker but its hard to throw away all your years together. It sounds like you both want to make it work and thats half the battle. I think you need to be 100% honest with each other and keep talking. Tell him exactly how you feel. He does need to take responsibility though and not use the 'it was handed on a plate line'
    I hope you can work it out


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    #59
    S.R.
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 667 ✭✭✭S.R.


    pajopearl wrote: »
    She happened upon his texts one day.

    That's why I turned on security code on my mobile. :)


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    #60
    kikidelvin
    Registered Users Posts: 109 ✭✭kikidelvin


    Yes you can .


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    #61
    Sauve
    Registered Users Posts: 22,646 ✭✭✭✭Sauve


    Mod
    OP,
    It is not permitted to have multiple threads on the same subject open across different forums, so for that reason I'm going to close this one.
    Sauve.


This discussion has been closed.
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