Could a happily married man have an affair ?

Chimamanda

Hi guys . I'm looking for a male perspective here if you wouldn't mind .
I just wondered if a happily married man could ever consider/engage in an affair ?
Let's say you could get away with it and didn't think your wife would find out ?
Is it possible to love someone and be happily married yet get your kicks elsewhere too coz it's handed to you on a plate ?
My husband claims that he loves me dearly and has never stopped loving me even though he was having sex with someone else . Is it a load of bs or could he be telling me the truth ?

sopretty

He probably is telling the truth.

Chimamanda

sopretty wrote: »

He probably is telling the truth.

Can I ask you why you say that ?

sopretty

Sorry, I've just noticed you're asking for the male perspective. I am giving my opinion as someone who was single and had an affair with a married man. I wasn't handing anything on a plate. What 'lured me in' I suppose, was the fact that he was upfront about the fact that he adored his wife and family and would never leave her and that she would never know. He pursued me fairly persistently. I relented. He was rich, he treated me well, wined and dined me. In the heel of the hunt, I think he realised that the month or so of dealing with a drunken 20 year old, was nothing to compare to what he had at home. For my part, I went back to his apartment one night (he was commuting) to see lovely little drawings his 2 and 4 year old had drawn for him, and decided I couldn't do it anymore.

I think it worked out well for him. He was actually, a devoted father and husband (sounds unbelievable, but he was).

sopretty

Just to clarify, there was never the stereotypical 'I'm unhappy in my marriage' crap. He was upfront about the fact that he adored her and his family, and that it was what it was. It was company for him I suppose, and a chance at reliving the 'dating' game. As I said, I think he figured out pretty quickly that the hills are not always greener.

Chimamanda

The Mustard wrote: »

He may be telling the truth. Or he may be just bragging. Pump him for details and see if he cracks.

I've grilled him relentlessly for the past 6 weeks but either he's an incredible liar or he's genuinely sorry . I'm still can't say which

Chimamanda

sopretty wrote: »

Just to clarify, there was never the stereotypical 'I'm unhappy in my marriage' crap. He was upfront about the fact that he adored her and his family, and that it was what it was. It was company for him I suppose, and a chance at reliving the 'dating' game. As I said, I think he figured out pretty quickly that the hills are not always greener.

Thank you Yes I was looking for a male perspective , but yours is equally as valid and has reassured me that there is a slight chance that he is being honest and that our marriage is worth fighting for

Dingle_berry

Chimamanda wrote: »

My husband claims that he loves me dearly and has never stopped loving me even though he was having sex with someone else . Is it a load of bs or could he be telling me the truth ?

There's a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone.
There's also a kind of passive self destructive thing to cheating, or seeing what it would be like outside of the relationship.

Pat Mustard

Chimamanda wrote: »

I've grilled him relentlessly for the past 6 weeks but either he's an incredible liar or he's genuinely sorry . I'm still can't say which

I'm sorry, I was only joking when I posted that. Having reread your post, I deleted mine.

I can't imagine why anyone who loves their partner would upset them by exposing their own wrongdoing, simply to ease their own guilty conscience.

I can't imagine why he'd make it up either.

Beyond that, I don't know what to say.

sopretty

Chimamanda wrote: »

I've grilled him relentlessly for the past 6 weeks but either he's an incredible liar or he's genuinely sorry . I'm still can't say which

I'm sorry to hear this. I would never have engaged with this man, if there was even the smallest risk that his wife would find out. That was clear. It was pretty short lived, and to be honest, I think he got a lot out of his system in terms of apathy towards his life at the time. I think he realised just how much he loved his wife. Flirting and feeling attractive, was something he probably needed to experience again (he was in his early 40's). The other thing, which might upset you, is that he talked a lot to me about how he felt about life. I think he was not comfortable with telling his wife (possibly), that he was unhappy in his job. He was a fund manager and had guilt around that. But he felt tremendous pressure to over-perform financially and provide for his family. I am sure his wife would have been understanding if he had talked to her, in fact I think I suggested that he do so, but he felt under tremendous pressure to continue in his career, when really he would have preferred doing charity work or something.

What I'm trying to say is that YES, it is possible for a devoted and loving husband to have an affair.

karaokeman

A lot of people seem nice when you first meet them, but when you get to know them you realize how false they are, the smartest people can be fooled.

As a male I would never cheat, even if, god forbid I could cover it up completely. Likewise, I wouldn't trust a girl who cheated on her partner with me.

sopretty

I must add (whether you believe me or not), that I'm not proud of myself. Also to add, there was no swinging from chandeliers or other rampant raging terrific sex. There was occasional sex, but nothing exotic lol. Whenever there was sex, it was perfunctory and lacking in love obviously. I'm trying to help, but please tell me to F off if you feel that I'm not.

Jackal756

Chimamanda wrote: »

Hi guys . I'm looking for a male perspective here if you wouldn't mind .
I just wondered if a happily married man could ever consider/engage in an affair ?
Let's say you could get away with it and didn't think your wife would find out ?
Is it possible to love someone and be happily married yet get your kicks elsewhere too coz it's handed to you on a plate ?
My husband claims that he loves me dearly and has never stopped loving me even though he was having sex with someone else . Is it a load of bs or could he be telling me the truth ?

I think as the years go by even though you love somebody you can get stuck in a routine where people neglect the intimacy side of things and although you may love your spouse you may yearn for something thats missing from the relationship be it sex or even a shoulder to cry on
Sit down and encourage him to discuss his feelings with you

professore

Chimamanda wrote: »

Hi guys . I'm looking for a male perspective here if you wouldn't mind .
I just wondered if a happily married man could ever consider/engage in an affair ?
Let's say you could get away with it and didn't think your wife would find out ?
Is it possible to love someone and be happily married yet get your kicks elsewhere too coz it's handed to you on a plate ?
My husband claims that he loves me dearly and has never stopped loving me even though he was having sex with someone else . Is it a load of bs or could he be telling me the truth ?

As a man, I would say no. You have no respect for your wife and mother of your kids if you are happily married. If she's a bitch on wheels or sleeping around or whatever that's different.

I also don't get women like so pretty. Why would you knowingly have an affair with a married man? He used you honey, and told you what you wanted to hear. What about his wife?

professore

Jackal756 wrote: »

I think as the years go by even though you love somebody you can get stuck in a routine where people neglect the intimacy side of things and although you may love your spouse you may yearn for something thats missing from the relationship be it sex or even a shoulder to cry on
Sit down and encourage him to discuss his feelings with you

I would agree with this - but then you're not happily married. I'm not convinced you love your spouse in a situation like this or you would confront her about it and try to remedy it.

sopretty

professore wrote: »

As a man, I would say no. You have no respect for your wife and mother of your kids if you are happily married. If she's a bitch on wheels or sleeping around or whatever that's different.

I also don't get women like so pretty. Why would you knowingly have an affair with a married man? He used you honey, and told you what you wanted to hear. What about his wife?

You see I wouldn't have, only that he was upfront from the beginning about his devotion to his family. The fact that he was in a different country to his wife during the week, meant that I was sure she would never find out. I wouldn't hurt someone like that. He never led me to believe that it was anything other than company, flirting, a bit of a 'thrill' I guess. I wouldn't say he used me. It was never really much about sex. It was more flirtation and talking. I suppose in a way, I was like a counsellor he could talk to. Clearly, he'd have been better off actually paying for a counsellor lol, but while I'm not proud of it, I'm not ashamed of it either. He had absolute respect for his wife. He never ever once spoke badly of her. He adored his children also.

Tigger

professore wrote: »

I also don't get women like so pretty. Why would you knowingly have an affair with a married man? He used you honey, and told you what you wanted to hear. What about his wife?

she was 20 he was a mature wealthy man
20 is very young and inexperienced and i can see how she'd be lured in
its the man that owes his wife not the mistress

Engine No.9

Whether as a man or a woman, to claim that you are happily married when you're having an affair is pretty baseless.

I have no issue with cheating partners who say that they love their spouse because for the most part this is entirely true but there is that one issue that pushes them into the arms of another, and claiming you're "happily" married is disingenuous. You may be very happy with everything else except, as I say, that one thing.

In sopretty's case, it seems that the man who was having an affair with her was unhappy with his employmet situation and because he was mostly living away from home, he needed companionship. BTW, sopretty, I don't believe you did anything wrong. As a single 20something, you're free to pursue any man you like who's also of a like mind. IMO, he was the wrongdoer here.

To the OP, fine that your husband says he loves you, I genuinely believes he does but I think something drove him to this other woman. I'd encourage you both to sit down and try to figure out what it was. Maybe counselling if he's not of a mind to open up in a private dialogue. If this passes without getting to the root of the issue, I've no doubt there's a high likelihood of it happening again.

Jackal756

pajopearl wrote: »

Whether as a man or a woman, to claim that you are happily married when you're having an affair is pretty baseless.

I have no issue with cheating partners who say that they love their spouse because for the most part this is entirely true but there is that one issue that pushes them into the arms of another, and claiming you're "happily" married is disingenuous. You may be very happy with everything else except, as I say, that one thing.

In sopretty's case, it seems that the man who was having an affair with her was unhappy with his employmet situation and because he was mostly living away from home, he needed companionship. BTW, sopretty, I don't believe you did anything wrong. As a single 20something, you're free to pursue any man you like who's also of a like mind. IMO, he was the wrongdoer here.

To the OP, fine that your husband says he loves you, I genuinely believes he does but I think something drove him to this other woman. I'd encourage you both to sit down and try to figure out what it was. Maybe counselling if he's not of a mind to open up in a private dialogue. If this passes without getting to the root of the issue, I've no doubt there's a high likelihood of it happening again.

I'm not ganging up on anybody here but if you know someone is married your every bit as wrong as them there always seems to be double standards in situations like this where people make excuses for women whereas men are just a bunch of sex mad scumbags
It takes two to tango

NordieSteve

Honestly, in my opinion your relationship will never be the same. The element of distrust will always remain there and be the source of many future disagreements and you will be forever wrecking your head with worry. I can say this as someone that's been there.

Sorry OP, it's better to be realistic.

sopretty

Jackal756 wrote: »

I'm not ganging up on anybody here but if you know someone is married your every bit as wrong as them there always seems to be double standards in situations like ty

I have no problem holding my hands up and admitting that I was wrong.

In poetic justice, my partner cheated on me with a cheap w***e, in the two days after I had made another suicide attempt and told him to get the Fluff out as he kept trying to keep me alive.

This two bit yoke wore the whole tart lingerie and the works. Did a dance for him apparently. Dirty tramp lol.

Call it karma I guess!

PS - I am now quite stabilised on meds and not remotely suicidal.

Afroshack

Chimamanda wrote: »

Hi guys . I'm looking for a male perspective here if you wouldn't mind .
I just wondered if a happily married man could ever consider/engage in an affair ?
Let's say you could get away with it and didn't think your wife would find out ?
Is it possible to love someone and be happily married yet get your kicks elsewhere too coz it's handed to you on a plate ?
My husband claims that he loves me dearly and has never stopped loving me even though he was having sex with someone else . Is it a load of bs or could he be telling me the truth ?

This is the part that I'd be concerned about - were those his words or yours? If they are his I'd be worried that he is trying to put the blame on the other woman by trying to portray her as the sex-crazy irresponsible nympho, whilst he is the dearly devoted man who was led on and had it 'handed to him on a plate.' Now obviously I don't know him and I would never doubt his love for you, but if that was the way it came across to you, chances are he's not looking to take full responsibility for this. Additionally if they are your words and not his, perhaps you could be allowing the woman to shoulder a bit more of the blame than him? It takes two to tango after all, and it's important that everyone acknowledges both their responsibility in committing an affair.

Hope you do work things out though

wired117

How did you find out about affair?

the_syco

wired117 wrote: »

How did you find out about affair?

This is a fairly important question, imo.

sopretty

sopretty wrote: »

I have no problem holding my hands up and admitting that I was wrong.

In poetic justice, my partner cheated on me with a cheap w***e, in the two days after I had made another suicide attempt and told him to get the Fluff out as he kept trying to keep me alive.

This two bit yoke wore the whole tart lingerie and the works. Did a dance for him apparently. Dirty tramp lol.

Call it karma I guess!

PS - I am now quite stabilised on meds and not remotely suicidal.

I was on your side til you made that post.

How comes it's okay for you to sleep with a married man, but a woman sleeping with your partner is a 'dirty tramp'?

sopretty

Deleted User wrote: »

I was on your side til you made that post.

How comes it's okay for you to sleep with a married man, but a woman sleeping with your partner is a 'dirty tramp'?

Because it was sex for her, it was about a conquest (we used to be friends), it was about proving that she could have any man, proving that she could have my man. She lured him. In my case, I never ever lured him.

eviltwin

Stop making this about Sopretty, its not helping the OP. Fair play for admitting it Sopretty, not an easy thing to do.

OP I don't know what more to say but I would stop trying to analyse the why and the wherefore. I'm not sure that is helpful at the moment, it comes across like you are looking for a reason why he did it, something tangible that you can change or work on to prevent it happening again. Maybe he just wanted to experience sex with someone else.

The other woman has to take some of the blame but she is kinda secondary to all this now. He is married to you, he is the one with the responsibility towards you and your kids - not her.

I think you should look into counselling first just you on your own, your self esteem has taken a huge battering here and you need to build up your own sense of worth, having read this thread and the previous on on the PI pages you seem to be in a really low place at the moment. Then maybe you can work on your issues together.

professore

Tigger wrote: »

she was 20 he was a mature wealthy man
20 is very young and inexperienced and i can see how she'd be lured in
its the man that owes his wife not the mistress

Quite frankly that's bull****. 20 is old enough to know right from wrong. Not excusing the man but she knew what she was doing too.

sopretty

professore wrote: »

Quite frankly that's bull****. 20 is old enough to know right from wrong.

42 is old enough to know right from wrong. I was single my dear.

professore

sopretty wrote: »

42 is old enough to know right from wrong. I was single my dear.

So you feel what you did was right? I disagree. I agree with evil twin, this isn't about you.

Engine No.9

professore wrote: »

So you feel what you did was right? I disagree. I agree with evil twin, this isn't about you.

So stop making it about her.