He had an affair but he loves me ??

ceadaoin.

I think it is possible for a relationship to survive infidelity but only if the full truth, warts and all, is disclosed and the cheating party takes full responsibility for their actions. By saying that he was the one who had to initiate everything in your relationship and he enjoyed that she pursued him, he is trying to shift the blame on to you. If only you were leaping on him at every opportunity then he wouldn't have been so easily tempted :rolleyes:

It 'fizzled out'? So it's not even like it ended due to him feeling guilty. I'd imagine she was the one who ended it. You say she settled down with someone soon after so this could be the reason. Did you have any inkling at the time something might be going on? Quite often you hear people say they had a niggling gut feeling that something was up. If not, he is obviously a pretty good liar. How could you ever trust him again?

Also, I would recommend you get an STI test just in case he may have exposed you to something

Chimamanda

ceadaoin. wrote: »

I think it is possible for a relationship to survive infidelity but only if the full truth, warts and all, is disclosed and the cheating party takes full responsibility for their actions. By saying that he was the one who had to initiate everything in your relationship and he enjoyed that she pursued him, he is trying to shift the blame on to you. If only you were leaping on him at every opportunity then he wouldn't have been so easily tempted :rolleyes:

It 'fizzled out'? So it's not even like it ended due to him feeling guilty. I'd imagine she was the one who ended it. You say she settled down with someone soon after so this could be the reason. Did you have any inkling at the time something might be going on? Quite often you hear people say they had a niggling gut feeling that something was up. If not, he is obviously a pretty good liar. How could you ever trust him again?

Also, I would recommend you get an STI test just in case he may have exposed you to something

She also said it 'fizzled out ' when I confronted her . No , I don't think he's trying to shift any of the blame on to me . I pushed and pushed him into telling me why it happened and he said that he really couldn't say except that he was flattered by the attention and liked the fact that she initiated it . I then probed further and he said that he always wished I'd take the lead more often . He really wasn't trying to offload blame on me , I'm certain of that . And yes , funnily enough , I was suspicious back then that there was something going on , but I brushed my suspicions aside as paranoia as , whenever I'd check up on him , he was exactly where he said he was when he was . I had no clue that he was finishing work 30 mins early to detour to hers twice a week . Lol , 30 mins to get in , do the dirty , get dressed and go home again . Very clinical if you ask me . And I did ask him . He said it was totally emotional less sex . It was sex for sex sake , not because it was good . Stupid bloody fool , jeopardising our marriage for a quick fumble !!!

December2012

I think it's possible to love somebody and for some reason (more to do with oneself), cheat on them.

I also believe that it is not a guarantee that it will happen again. He finished it, it has not ended just because you found out.

I think if I were in your position I would also fight to save my marriage.

CaraMay

He is saying all the right things but I just hope he means them. Tbh it all sounds very suss. Do you really think it was just a 30 minute wham, bam?? It's highly unlikely.

I would start counseling but proceed with caution. He wasn't exactly honest about it and you don't really know this man anymore. He has two sides and just can't be trusted. In time that may change but for now proceed with caution.

tara73

Chimamanda wrote: »

She also said it 'fizzled out ' when I confronted her . No , I don't think he's trying to shift any of the blame on to me . I pushed and pushed him into telling me why it happened and he said that he really couldn't say except that he was flattered by the attention and liked the fact that she initiated it . I then probed further and he said that he always wished I'd take the lead more often . He really wasn't trying to offload blame on me , I'm certain of that . And yes , funnily enough , I was suspicious back then that there was something going on , but I brushed my suspicions aside as paranoia as , whenever I'd check up on him , he was exactly where he said he was when he was . I had no clue that he was finishing work 30 mins early to detour to hers twice a week . Lol , 30 mins to get in , do the dirty , get dressed and go home again . Very clinical if you ask me . And I did ask him . He said it was totally emotional less sex . It was sex for sex sake , not because it was good . Stupid bloody fool , jeopardising our marriage for a quick fumble !!!

sorry OP, but every post of you reveals a bit more what kind of character this man is and how you obviously still making excuses for him.

so you were already suspicious at that time, many years ago. you said you checked up on him and he was always were he said he was. how do you know? did you actually ran to the places to check ? that in itself would be a sign of a completely dysfunctional, untrustworthy relationship at that time.
or did you check via phone? if yes, how could you know if it was true what he was saying where he is?

and yeah, sex for the quick satisfaction, some fumbling. so she was like a prostitute to him? if it's so easy, and equally so easy to justify, the question is what is holding him off to do it again anytime he feels like his ego and whatever needs a boost?
If it wasn't in some part the person also which attracted him, why are they still in contact and she reminiscing about the old times? nothing of what he's saying is adding up here.

and yes, he's putting the blame on you in saying you didn't initiate sex. but in your post you blame yourself, because you pushed him so hard to say this. jesus.

something makes my blood boil in this case, and it is the attitude of yours, excusing his behaviour constantly and not feeling real anger from your side, although in every post, as I said, you reveal some more of this ****ty character and BS he's telling you and you even believe him!
the question I ask myself, waht would happen, if you get really, really angry? did that ever happen? or could it be there's a subtle rule in your relationship, subtle pressure from him if you get angry, you know he will react in some mean way? (many possibilities here I don't want to get into).

if you want to do yourself a favour, you seriously need to wake up and show this man you mean business, you are not forgiving him quickly, if ever.

I know it must be hard with kids involved, but as it is so often said here and it is true, it's better to seperate, it might be very hurtful at first for them, but it is better in the longrun for them than to grow up in an athmosphere of resentment between the parents and the knowledge they only stay together because of the sake of them. I experienced something like that, so I know what I'm talking about.

also, did you bring up the couples counseling with him? what's his opinion of this? if he's willing to do it, it's a fairly good sign he still cares for the marriage in some way.

Linka

Chimamanda wrote: »

he said that he really couldn't say except that he was flattered by the attention and liked the fact that she initiated it .

I then probed further and he said that he always wished I'd take the lead more often .

Cryptically he's told you that it's her fault and your fault. Leaving your job 30 minutes early to go have sex with another woman for six months sounds like he was a very willing participant.

If you've made the decision that you want to stay with this man, then I suggest you attend marriage counseling together. At least there will be an emotionally uninvolved person in the room that might pick up on his blame game horse-shit. I'm sorry if I sound harsh about this, but too much about this situation bothers me. Instead of telling you he felt like the marriage was in trouble in the bedroom sense, he had an affair. It shows a great deal of disrespect to do something like that to someone.

ceadaoin.

Chimamanda wrote: »

She also said it 'fizzled out ' when I confronted her . No , I don't think he's trying to shift any of the blame on to me . I pushed and pushed him into telling me why it happened and he said that he really couldn't say except that he was flattered by the attention and liked the fact that she initiated it . I then probed further and he said that he always wished I'd take the lead more often . He really wasn't trying to offload blame on me , I'm certain of that . And yes , funnily enough , I was suspicious back then that there was something going on , but I brushed my suspicions aside as paranoia as , whenever I'd check up on him , he was exactly where he said he was when he was . I had no clue that he was finishing work 30 mins early to detour to hers twice a week . Lol , 30 mins to get in , do the dirty , get dressed and go home again . Very clinical if you ask me . And I did ask him . He said it was totally emotional less sex . It was sex for sex sake , not because it was good . Stupid bloody fool , jeopardising our marriage for a quick fumble !!!

Is the marriage in jeopardy though? Sorry OP but you don't seem like you are going to leave him and I'm sure he knows this. If he doesn't see what he has to lose then what exactly is stopping him from doing it again next time you aren't lavishing him with affection? From what you have said he doesn't really sound very sorry. From his point of view, it seems to be more a case of 'it happened, it's over now, let's move on.' And he was trying to offload blame onto you, and in quite a manipulative way. He might love you in his own way, but he certainly doesn't respect you if he would do that.

Chimamanda

tara73 wrote: »

sorry OP, but every post of you reveals a bit more what kind of character this man is and how you obviously still making excuses for him.

so you were already suspicious at that time, many years ago. you said you checked up on him and he was always were he said he was. how do you know? did you actually ran to the places to check ? that in itself would be a sign of a completely dysfunctional, untrustworthy relationship at that time.
or did you check via phone? if yes, how could you know if it was true what he was saying where he is?

and yeah, sex for the quick satisfaction, some fumbling. so she was like a prostitute to him? if it's so easy, and equally so easy to justify, the question is what is holding him off to do it again anytime he feels like his ego and whatever needs a boost?
If it wasn't in some part the person also which attracted him, why are they still in contact and she reminiscing about the old times? nothing of what he's saying is adding up here.

and yes, he's putting the blame on you in saying you didn't initiate sex. but in your post you blame yourself, because you pushed him so hard to say this. jesus.

something makes my blood boil in this case, and it is the attitude of yours, excusing his behaviour constantly and not feeling real anger from your side, although in every post, as I said, you reveal some more of this ****ty character and BS he's telling you and you even believe him!
the question I ask myself, waht would happen, if you get really, really angry? did that ever happen? or could it be there's a subtle rule in your relationship, subtle pressure from him if you get angry, you know he will react in some mean way? (many possibilities here I don't want to get into).

if you want to do yourself a favour, you seriously need to wake up and show this man you mean business, you are not forgiving him quickly, if ever.

I know it must be hard with kids involved, but as it is so often said here and it is true, it's better to seperate, it might be very hurtful at first for them, but it is better in the longrun for them than to grow up in an athmosphere of resentment between the parents and the knowledge they only stay together because of the sake of them. I experienced something like that, so I know what I'm talking about.

also, did you bring up the couples counseling with him? what's his opinion of this? if he's willing to do it, it's a fairly good sign he still cares for the marriage in some way.

Oh tara73 , you really are way off the mark with your insinuation. He is an incredible gentle , happy person . He truly wouldn't harm a fly . I'm the hot tempered one in our relationship . He rarely gets angry , but the worst that'll happen is that he'll storm out of the room and ten minutes later he's back to his cheerful self again . Maybe that's why I'm making excuses for him . He really is a nice , caring , happy , loving person (who also happens to be a lying , cheating adulterer!!!) I just can't believe that my husband would do this !! If you asked anyone who knows us which of the two of us would be most likely to cheat outside our marriage , I'd be willing to bet that every single one of them would name me !!
It's like , for that period of his life he was inhabited by another person . I know, I'm excusing him again and this is not me either !! I'm a very strong person (believe it or not ) and if this was any friend of mine , I'd be telling her to put him out of the house asap ! I truly hope I won't live to regret my decision .
Yes I did talk to him about counselling and he is more than willing to participate. He has told me that he will do whatever it takes to get things back on track again and I believe he will . If this marriage doesn't work, it won't be for lack of effort on both our parts .

MagicMarker

Nice caring gentlemen don't sneak off for 30 minutes for a cheap ride with the office girl while his wife and kids are at home.

Chimamanda

ceadaoin. wrote: »

Is the marriage in jeopardy though? Sorry OP but you don't seem like you are going to leave him and I'm sure he knows this. If he doesn't see what he has to lose then what exactly is stopping him from doing it again next time you aren't lavishing him with affection? From what you have said he doesn't really sound very sorry. From his point of view, it seems to be more a case of 'it happened, it's over now, let's move on.' And he was trying to offload blame onto you, and in quite a manipulative way. He might love you in his own way, but he certainly doesn't respect you if he would do that.

I really don't know what the future will hold . I've told him that I am prepared to try to make our marriage work but that there are no guarantees . He knows that our marriage is on very rocky ground . I don't think he's trying to offload blame on me . I think maybe I'm pushing him to give me a reason as to why this happened , but he hasn't a reason , so he's grasping at the first thing he can think of that I'll accept as an 'excuse'. He's really not a bad man . He's done an awful, awful thing , but that doesn't make him bad and it doesn't mean that he doesn't deserve another chance .

Starokan

I think it's entirely possible that your husband does indeed love you, many people cheat without giving any thought to their partners feelings, it's only when they are found out that the consequences become evident and some do indeed feel guilty when they see the hurt they have caused.

Don't buy into the farce of an excuse that he strayed because you did not initiate sex, that's a dick move on his behalf to deflect blame, believe me he saw a chance liked the attention and was attracted to being with someone else and went for it.

The reality is your husband never felt guilty enough to make you aware of what had gone on, he was never ever going to disrupt his home life, it may have been only this person or there may have been more, the majority of people who cheat would act in exactly the same way.

You will never really know the full truth, what you have to do is weigh up whether you are being told what you need to hear to forgive him or whether he is genuinely remorseful. All you can do is trust your instincts on this and let the future unfold, you can only stay if you can trust him or else you will only ever be at peace when he is with you and you know what he is doing.

Tasden

Chimamanda wrote: »

I really don't know what the future will hold . I've told him that I am prepared to try to make our marriage work but that there are no guarantees . He knows that our marriage is on very rocky ground . I don't think he's trying to offload blame on me . I think maybe I'm pushing him to give me a reason as to why this happened , but he hasn't a reason , so he's grasping at the first thing he can think of that I'll accept as an 'excuse'. He's really not a bad man . He's done an awful, awful thing , but that doesn't make him bad and it doesn't mean that he doesn't deserve another chance .

Tbh op from both your threads it seems you've already decided you're going to give him another chance, but the fact that you're on here in the first place, starting two different threads on the subject just shows that you're not really confident in that decision. Which is understandable.

You're saying that he knows the relationship is on rocky ground and its gonna take work- but he cheated when you were supposedly happy and fine in the relationship- why do you think things will be different when the relationship is actually taking extra work and not all rosy?

What if you end up feeling a little resentful or hurt one day in a particularly difficult therapy session and don't feel like massaging his ego, what's stopping him from doing it again?

I'm not trying to be negative or anything, I just don't know if you're only choosing to try and forgive/overcome this because you WANT to be able to do it rather than because it feels right.

LegacyUser

OP: I'm sorry, but , in truth , I have to call a spade a spade. You would never have known about this "affair" unless you had happened to find this message. 4.5 years...you didn't know... For all you know he could have been sleeping around/had profiles on dating sites etc....what do you really know?
You are so ready to forgive him, but how can you forgive him, when you don't really know what you are forgiving him for!
I speak from experience here. I was like you , so ready to forgive, so broken that I would do , and did , everything I could to save my marriage. But in the end I couldn't even let him touch me, knowing only an abridged version of the actuality. And believe me, he is minimising the whole affair in damage limitation, not for you, but for himself, so you don't kick his sorry ass out. In the posts you have put up, you sound almost apologetic towards him, almost making excuses for him, and minimising what went on. Yes, they had it so well polished that a half an hour would do them... Don't fool yourself too much. In the end of the day, some people do get over "the affair" , but the one who has to do the getting over it is you, not him. He's already kept it to himself for a considerable amount of time, and would have very happily gone on with you unaware, til death do you part.
I know I sound harsh, but initial anger quickly turns to resentment, and you, by your own admission have started to throw it back in his face at times, which you are entitled to, but then you'll start to keep yourself in check, and feel sorry for him that you are throwing it back in his face, and you'll end up on the apologetics again, by which time the resentment inside you will blow.
Really , I wish you well, but the road is long for you.
Best of luck with whatever you wish to do and I hope things work out for you.

LegacyUser

I was in the same position as you, OP. My husband cheated on me with my brother's long-term girlfriend, and we were on the verge of splitting up. It was years before I found out. He had cheated with a few others, too, some of whom I thought were my friends.

We went to counselling, and everything seemed to be magically fixed. It was all a "communication problem". After all of that, I trusted him completely. I mean, really completely. I thought he was the last person on earth who would ever cheat. I was entirely convinced. We went on to have three kids together. Turned out he was very eager to cheat. At every opportunity. But it took years and years for me to find out.

When I look back on it all now, I feel like the biggest fecking eejit on the entire planet.

Flippyfloppy

I echo all of the replies already here.

I'm just wondering , have to spoke to your own friends and family about this yet? Or is it something you and your husband are planning to keep between yourselves?

Idle Passerby

It's good that you're getting angry. Don't be tempted to minimise your own feelings now because he's ready to put it behind him. You have every right to give yourself time to be angry, hurt, sad etc. Don't rush into reassuring him you will get over it and return to the marriage, that only tells him he has to sit out the storm and it can be forgotten. Take time for yourself now, and try to forget about what he wants until you know what you want.

HotHHead

Im glad to see your finally getting angry, you need to be angry, I echo what others have said but especially the part about her making a beeline for your husband. He was the married one, if she was standing in his office naked handing herself to him,he should of said NO end of no excuses...

discus

MagicMarker wrote: »

Nice caring gentlemen don't sneak off for 30 minutes for a cheap ride with the office girl while his wife and kids are at home.

Jesus, have you been scorned in the past?

Tokyo

discus - after 4 years of posting in PI/RI you should know not to take potshots like that - constructive and mature advice towards the OP only please. Next time will earn you an infraction.

Regards,
Mike

diveout

You are not going to get a stable truth out of him, one because he could be lying to himself, secondly because people revise history all the time.

What I think you might consider, is is your marriage worth saving VS being a single mother, because those are the two possible endgames to this.

He was having consequence free sex and it looks by what he is presenting that it was more like a masterbatory aid than anything particularly meaningful.

But it is the lies that undo us and if he is mature, he will be brutally honest with himself and you, and if you are mature, you will be able to handle what he tells you.

That is if course, if the truth is what you want.

Flippyfloppy

diveout wrote: »

You are not going to get a stable truth out of him, one because he could be lying to himself, secondly because people revise history

He was having consequence free sex and it looks by what he is presenting that it was more like a masterbatory aid than anything particularly meaningful.

Hit the nail on the head, fantastic points

Grandeeod

I think this is a very very sad thread by the OP. I appreciate her feelings of wanting to stay within the marriage. It is the obvious insecurity that exists in all of us. Some can say that's it while others will cling to a desperate hope that it can be rescued. However I personally believe that this desperate hope is blinkered by the aforementioned insecurity. The OPs husband passed through so many stop signs that its impossible to ignore.

Lets just take the first night he cheated with this work colleague. He felt an ego boost and reacted. Stop sign one. He kissed her. Stop sign number two. They arrange to be in a private place. Another stop sign. They end up in that private place, there is still time to not plough through yet another stop sign. The clothes come off and stop sign number five is gone. The moment he penetrates her is stop sign number six and the ultimate damage is done. This man passed through all the stop signs. These stop signs are real and he went through each and every one of them. To do this, you have to have absolutely no thoughts of your wife or children. I don't buy any other excuse. Booze? No excuse. This is premeditated cheating. Even if it was a one night stand, the stop signs apply, booze included. But this was a 6 month gig. Long term stuff and you only found out by accident. Stop making excuses for him. Your marriage has been betrayed by this carry on. Your trust has been destroyed. I believe in the saying that everyone deserves another chance, except for blatant infidelity in a marriage. Why? Because how many times will you put your head on the pillow and think of this other woman? How many times will you think of your husband having sex with this other woman? Unless you are a subservient idiot, these thoughts will enter your head and wreck it. It's normal. The closeness of a relationship that is compromised by either partner having a sexual affair with someone else is a huge mountain to climb.

You are lucky, because you know it has been done to you. Loads out there don't. Think long and carefully and do not forgive easily. Put yourself first and foremost. You will not be worth a damn to your kids if you blinker yourself to the reality of what has been done to you. Take care.

Xterminator

Hi OP

I feel sad to hear about your partners cheating behaviour.

The 1st point i would make is i think you can see how different posters project their own experiences and problems into the situation and actually ignore some of the valid points you have made about how he is a decent man and partner and only see what they want to see. there are many who seem to have the blinkers on. i hope you dont feel that you are obliged to make your partner suffer because of his actions, or that you dump a relationship that might be saved just to make a point!

the phrase 'cutting your nose off to spite your face' comes to mind when i read some of the advice you have been given.

If your partner is willing to go to counselling and engage then i would highly recommend you do this. I think your relationship will change for this experience; it may never be exactly the same, but that doesnt mean you cannot get to a point where it is a good satisfying relationship again, and one you are happy to be in. If there is a chance i think you should explore that.

If you find out later that you cannot make it work as a couple - at least you will have no regrets on having tried. go forward with your eyes open and best wishes.

X