He had an affair but he loves me ??

Chimamanda

I'm looking for some advice please from people who've been in a similar situation to mine .
I discovered quite recently that the man I've loved for 26years and have been married to for 19 had an affair . It happened 4 years ago , with a colleague and lasted for 6 months .
He has taken full responsibility for his actions (even though I know for a fact that she was jealous of our relationship and purposely set out to try to steal him from me ) . He is truly , truly sorry for what he did and says he loves me dearly and wants to be with me . He claims that , despite the affair , there was no point in our marriage where he was unhappy , that he slept with her as she massaged his ego and he was excited that someone else wanted him. He says he can't believe he was so thick and that he regrets his actions every day.
I honestly don't know how I should be feeling . I love my husband dearly , but the thoughts of him and her together makes me physically ill . I'm distraught that the person I loved and thought I knew inside out is not that person . I'm constantly questioning him about where he's going and who he's with and every time I get into an argument with him , I throw the whole affair back in his face .
I want our marriage to work and so does he , but how do I get past the anger , hatred and resentment ??? Is there anyone out there who's successful survived a betrayal ?

Lou.m

Chimamanda wrote: »

I'm looking for some advice please from people who've been in a similar situation to mine .
I discovered quite recently that the man I've loved for 26years and have been married to for 19 had an affair . It happened 4 years ago , with a colleague and lasted for 6 months .
He has taken full responsibility for his actions (even though I know for a fact that she was jealous of our relationship and purposely set out to try to steal him from me ) . He is truly , truly sorry for what he did and says he loves me dearly and wants to be with me . He claims that , despite the affair , there was no point in our marriage where he was unhappy , that he slept with her as she massaged his ego and he was excited that someone else wanted him. He says he can't believe he was so thick and that he regrets his actions every day.
I honestly don't know how I should be feeling . I love my husband dearly , but the thoughts of him and her together makes me physically ill . I'm distraught that the person I loved and thought I knew inside out is not that person . I'm constantly questioning him about where he's going and who he's with and every time I get into an argument with him , I throw the whole affair back in his face .
I want our marriage to work and so does he , but how do I get past the anger , hatred and resentment ??? Is there anyone out there who's successful survived a betrayal ?

You have a right to feel whatever comes naturally.

This sounds like my worst nightmare and something I would avoid and run from. Which is why I am going to try and not think about me when I post this because this is a serious long term life partnership. And you seem to have made your mind up that you want to fight for it. That is your decision it would not be mine but I respect your choice.

I think you need to see a professional. A therapist you can confide in and you and your husband should go to separate couples therapy.

You need to find a way to express your anger without inflaming the situation. He has to understand he has hurt you very deeply. The relationship will never be the same but you might be able to move on and build something new with him. But he needs to rectify your fears and build up trust again.

He needs to give you time to heal and forgive. I really think you need space for yourself and not to focus on him. But you.

And definitely go for therapy.

Remember you are worthwhile. He behaved like trash. I would think of him that way and be repulsed. He needs to make amends and look at the type of person he is and realize he needs to grow up and change and be less selfish. I would wager he treats you selfishly in other ways too if you were to really examine it. He needs to look at himself.

Try to focus on you.

HUGS op.

Chimamanda

Thank you Lou.m
Yes , he is selfish at times , without a doubt , but I think we can all be guilty of that . In other ways , he's an extremely kind and considerate man . Until I discovered what happened , I considered myself to be an extremely lucky woman . And he is incredibly understanding of my outbursts (and rightly so )
I've thought about therapy many many times , but I'm too proud to go in and admit to someone face to face that my husband obviously thought so little of me that he slept with someone else . Silly , I know . But maybe now's the time to swallow my pride and do it . The anger and resentment is eating me up and I fear what I'll become if I can't rid myself of it .

username123

Chimamanda wrote: »

Thank you Lou.m
Yes , he is selfish at times , without a doubt , but I think we can all be guilty of that . In other ways , he's an extremely kind and considerate man . Until I discovered what happened , I considered myself to be an extremely lucky woman . And he is incredibly understanding of my outbursts (and rightly so )
I've thought about therapy many many times , but I'm too proud to go in and admit to someone face to face that my husband obviously thought so little of me that he slept with someone else . Silly , I know . But maybe now's the time to swallow my pride and do it . The anger and resentment is eating me up and I fear what I'll become if I can't rid myself of it .

Try and change how you think on this. It's not that your husband thought so little of YOU, it's that HE wanted the ego massage for HIM.

You should definitely go and talk to someone, forget pride, pride is helping you eat yourself up with anger and resentment, kick pride in the arse and bring on a bit of self love, love yourself enough to go and talk to someone about how to sort out all the negative emotions.

Big hug.

Chimamanda

Thank you username 123
Self love , yes , that's something that I've never had . And you know what ? That's something that my husband has always tried to instill in me : that I am a nice person , that I am beautiful inside and out , that I am worthwhile, that I am loved . But in one foul swoop , everything he's said to build me up has come crashing down . You're right , it's his ego that did this , pure and simple . He wallowed in the attention that he got from her while I was busy looking after our children . And I do need therapy , I can see that now thank you

m'lady

Hugs to you OP, it's a very difficult situation that your in. As a previous poster has said you need to try and change your attitude towards the affair, he did it to massage his ego. I would definitely go to a therapist/counsellor, both of you- he needs to hear how your feel and maybe there are things that you need to also hear?

I do believe that if you both still love each other (which you do) that you can get through this, with professional help.

Best of luck.

Czarcasm

Chimamanda wrote: »

He has taken full responsibility for his actions (even though I know for a fact that she was jealous of our relationship and purposely set out to try to steal him from me ). He is truly , truly sorry for what he did and says he loves me dearly and wants to be with me...

...I'm constantly questioning him about where he's going and who he's with and every time I get into an argument with him , I throw the whole affair back in his face.

I want our marriage to work and so does he , but how do I get past the anger , hatred and resentment ??? Is there anyone out there who's successful survived a betrayal ?

The part in bold there stood out for me OP, simply because not only does it indicate you knew this woman personally, but it also indicates your anger towards her is misplaced. It shouldn't have mattered if this woman stood naked in front of your husband, HE is the only person responsible for his own actions, and HE chose to have an affair with this woman (could just as easily have been any woman, she just happened to be convenient) rather than focus his energies on fixing what he wasn't happy with in your marriage. He has to acknowledge responsibility for failing to open up to you rather than run to the nearest woman who opened her legs for him.

Your reaction is perfectly normal, and it's going to take as long as it takes for you to come to terms with it, to get to the point where your love for your husband is strong enough to overcome his idiocy. It's all well and good for him to TELL you how sorry he is, that's the easy part, but what's much harder to do is explain to you why he felt things weren't working in your marriage, and it's just as important that you're prepared to hear things you really don't want to hear.

My wife and I didn't avail of relationship counselling at the time as we hadn't felt it necessary (in some cases it is, but that would be up to you as a couple to decide if you had for instance reached an impasse), and that's what's key here OP, is that both of you learn to communicate more openly and effectively with each other, and if you need to get it out, get it out, because like any grieving process, you will go through periods of frustration, anger, resentment, struggling to understand and wondering why, blaming yourself (a whole spectrum of emotions), and the only way those feelings will subside is if you're allowed get them out in the open, and over time they will subside, because bottling them up will only allow them to build up, and you'll never be able to move on from this.

Can a relationship survive betrayal? Absolutely, but only if all parties first acknowledge where it all went wrong in the first place, and commit to actively working towards repairing the damage done. I don't believe in luck OP, but I wish you both the best in finding your way back to each other and opening the lines of communication where they got closed off, opening up to each other again and learning to work together again in your relationship.

Lou.m

Chimamanda wrote: »

Thank you Lou.m
Yes , he is selfish at times , without a doubt , but I think we can all be guilty of that . In other ways , he's an extremely kind and considerate man . Until I discovered what happened , I considered myself to be an extremely lucky woman . And he is incredibly understanding of my outbursts (and rightly so )
I've thought about therapy many many times , but I'm too proud to go in and admit to someone face to face that my husband obviously thought so little of me that he slept with someone else . Silly , I know . But maybe now's the time to swallow my pride and do it . The anger and resentment is eating me up and I fear what I'll become if I can't rid myself of it .

I think you need consider all your options. You could separate for a while. you could try to stay with him. You need to do whats best for you.


You seem to be giving him an easy ride. Yes the woman in question has done a terrible thing. But your husband HURT YOU. It does not matter how nice he is in other aspects of life. He was an awful person TO YOU.

It is ok to admit that. He needs to recognize the lacking in his personality it is not an honorable thing to do.

I think if you want to stay together you both have to be honest and evaluate each other and yourselves truthfully. It might mean seeing your husband in a worse light so that he can work on himself. And you too.

You need to feel you are a person beyond the relationship. That his feelings for you don't define your self esteem.

If he is framing it as 'I do a stupid thing' then he needs to get a lot smarter fast. He has to facilitate your coming to terms with this. Going from being what he was to being a more emotionally intelligent person will be a tough. But it can be done. If he really wants this he will have to work at it. And you too. He needs to be a better person.

I am glad you are thinking of the therapist i really feel it is a good choice.

HotHHead

How did you find out about the affair? did he tell you? if not did he admit to it as soon as you asked him about it?

I think the ballis your court, you need to tell your husband what you want him to do to make you feel better about the whole thing and to helo you move on if that is what you want.

Chimamanda

I found a text on his phone hothead from this woman which referred back to a night they'd had together that day four years ago (he does not reply to her texts but it doesn't stop her texting him. Her number is now blocked and she no longer works in the same office )His initial reaction was denial but within minutes he admitted it .
Lou.m , you say I'm giving him an easy ride and you're probably right , but I don't see what good it would do to punish him . I think it's punishment enough that he can see how close he is to destroying our marriage , not to mention how he's broken my heart . He's is genuinely , utterly remorseful . If I didn't believe that , I would not be giving our marriage a second chance.
Czarcasm , yes I do know the woman . I met her at many work functions over the years . I confronted her and she told me that she was sick and tired of hearing about his perfect wife and wonderful kids . She said she was very attracted to him and was very jealous of me , but she eventually grew to realise that the affair was never going to go anywhere as he loved me too much .
He swears blind to me that our marriage has always been great and that he did what he did , not because there were any problems , but because he was flattered by the attention and couldn't believe she was handing it to him on a plate !! He never tried to apportion any blame on to her , but accepts full responsibility for what he's done.
I always thought that we had a very open relationship . I've never pulled any punches about letting him know if I was unhappy and I always thought he confided in me also . It will be interesting to hear what counselling may reveal.
I honestly don't know what's going to happen down the line . We have had a very happy marriage (despite the affair) and I believe we can again if I can get past my feelings of betrayal and resentment for how he's jeopardised our marriage . He's under no illusions that he and he alone can prove to me how much he wants to be with me and that IMO , words are meaningless , it's actions that count . Only time will tell if he's up to it .

eviltwin

Are you sure you can trust him? I can't understand why he would be accepting texts from a woman he had an affair with 4 yrs ago and only blocked her when you found out. Why would she be sending texts 4 yrs later if he is not giving her a reply? YOU found out about it, he didn't tell you and NOW he's remorseful? Sorry but its just seems a bit off to me 4 yrs after this fling is meant to have ended.

Lou.m

Chimamanda wrote: »

I found a text on his phone hothead from this woman which referred back to a night they'd had together that day four years ago (he does not reply to her texts but it doesn't stop her texting him. Her number is now blocked and she no longer works in the same office )His initial reaction was denial but within minutes he admitted it .
Lou.m , you say I'm giving him an easy ride and you're probably right , but I don't see what good it would do to punish him . I think it's punishment enough that he can see how close he is to destroying our marriage , not to mention how he's broken my heart . He's is genuinely , utterly remorseful . If I didn't believe that , I would not be giving our marriage a second chance.
Czarcasm , yes I do know the woman . I met her at many work functions over the years . I confronted her and she told me that she was sick and tired of hearing about his perfect wife and wonderful kids . She said she was very attracted to him and was very jealous of me , but she eventually grew to realise that the affair was never going to go anywhere as he loved me too much .
He swears blind to me that our marriage has always been great and that he did what he did , not because there were any problems , but because he was flattered by the attention and couldn't believe she was handing it to him on a plate !! He never tried to apportion any blame on to her , but accepts full responsibility for what he's done.
I always thought that we had a very open relationship . I've never pulled any punches about letting him know if I was unhappy and I always thought he confided in me also . It will be interesting to hear what counselling may reveal.
I honestly don't know what's going to happen down the line . We have had a very happy marriage (despite the affair) and I believe we can again if I can get past my feelings of betrayal and resentment for how he's jeopardised our marriage . He's under no illusions that he and he alone can prove to me how much he wants to be with me and that IMO , words are meaningless , it's actions that count . Only time will tell if he's up to it .

OP he sounds like he is merely sorry he got caught. He did not accept responsibility it was forced upon him.

Lou.m

eviltwin wrote: »

Are you sure you can trust him? I can't understand why he would be accepting texts from a woman he had an affair with 4 yrs ago and only blocked her when you found out. Why would she be sending texts 4 yrs later if he is not giving her a reply? YOU found out about it, he didn't tell you and NOW he's remorseful? Sorry but its just seems a bit off to me 4 yrs after this fling is meant to have ended.

Exactly why still have texts or messages of any kind from that woman 4 yrs after?

I don't keep texts emails or anything after a week or two. And particularly THAT woman ..he should have known to stay away from her after it ended if he meant it to be over.

Something does not add up here.

Chimamanda

It was a recent text about something that had happened four years previously .
No , I'm certain there's nothing going on there . By all accounts , the affair ended amicably and they continued to be friends . She moved offices a few years back , but they remained in contact as work required them to . He said she texted him occasionally , but they were harmless enough texts . The text I found was reminiscent and showed me that something happened , but never hinted that anything was ongoing . She moved on to a relationship after him , fell pregnant soon after and got married quite recently . And you're right, he admitted only because he was caught . I doubt he ever would have told me otherwise . But maybe somethings are best left unsaid ? Had I not spotted the text , I'd still be in a happy marriage and I'm pretty confident (well as confident as I can ) that his indiscretion would have been a one and only . Or maybe I'm a totally naive person

Czarcasm

Chimamanda wrote: »

He swears blind to me that our marriage has always been great and that he did what he did , not because there were any problems , but because he was flattered by the attention and couldn't believe she was handing it to him on a plate !! He never tried to apportion any blame on to her , but accepts full responsibility for what he's done.

Chimamanda it sounds like he's saying all the right things and wants to be honest and open with you, which leads me to think he probably doesn't yet realise, or more likely doesn't want to acknowledge that there absolutely were issues he had with your marriage at the time.
This woman only presented him with means and opportunity, he is responsible for the motive, whatever that motivation was within himself. People who are content within their relationship don't cheat, they're able to talk to their partner about everything, and vice versa, and if he doesn't feel he was able to talk to you about his attraction to this woman, that only made the no-go zone a more tantalizing prospect. Talking about it with you would've taken the novelty off it (and that's why I mentioned that you be prepared to hear things you really don't want to hear), and he wouldn't have felt the same motivation to keep it a secret from you.

Did you talk to him about what this woman said to you at the time? Whatever insecurity he felt she could have fulfilled would have been felt long before this woman was ever on the scene. Like I said Chinamanda, he may not see her now as responsible for his actions, but four years ago he saw her as the embodiment of the solution to all his problems. Having sex with her was giving her what she wanted, while she gave him what he wanted in resolving his insecurity within himself and feeding his ego. That's an issue he alone has to work on fixing himself, and that's something nobody, not even your reassurances, can do for him. You really shouldn't have to anyway, as he chose to hide that from you rather than open up to you and talk to you about it. Talking these things out really will help you both gain a better understanding of each other, rather than leaving one of you blissfully unaware and thinking you have the perfect marriage, when one of you isn't making the effort and is instead internalizing their insecurity rather than talking to you about it, and then ends up seeking resolution for their issues in someone else.

username20131

I am so sorry to read what you are going through. I have walked in your shoes and it is horrific. However we were only together 12 years when the cheating became apparent. Same story as you I found out through his phone. I was also physically sick at thought of what he had done.

We went to relationship counselling together. He would only ever admit what he was actually already caught out on. In my experience cheaters only admit what they can't explain away and lie about. He also tried to blame her for what had happened. He tried to blame me for what had happened. There was no true honesty or acceptance of responsibility for his own actions. So for us the counselling did not work out and we have gone our separate ways.

I went to individual counselling after and it helped me immensely. Separating after a long time together is so mentally and emotionally draining.

To be honest I don't know if I could ever have got back with him. He sexually repulsed me at that stage. However I guess if he had been truly honest with me about how he felt, about why he had cheated. If I felt that there were things that we could work on together I would have tried to work on the marriage.

Our relationship was in tatters before we went near a therapist. We should have been there the first time that he thought that he was tempted to cheat, not when so much emotional baggage had be offloaded. I have to say that the break up was the hardest thing to do but I am now looking back at it and delighted that I am away from that level of disrespect

Love has so much to do with trust. Sure he trusts you but do you trust him?

LegacyUser

I am so so sorry that this has happened to you. You ask has anyone experience of this. I do and I can tell you that it is possible to get through this. It is NOT easy, and it really does take along long time for trust to be rebuilt. It is possible though, there is light at the end of a very long tunnel. Only you will know though if and when trust has been rebuilt and where you can go from this. I know that it is heart breaking and so hard to get through, but it is possible

Lou.m

Chimamanda wrote: »

It was a recent text about something that had happened four years previously .
No , I'm certain there's nothing going on there . By all accounts , the affair ended amicably and they continued to be friends . She moved offices a few years back , but they remained in contact as work required them to . He said she texted him occasionally , but they were harmless enough texts . The text I found was reminiscent and showed me that something happened , but never hinted that anything was ongoing . She moved on to a relationship after him , fell pregnant soon after and got married quite recently . And you're right, he admitted only because he was caught . I doubt he ever would have told me otherwise . But maybe somethings are best left unsaid ? Had I not spotted the text , I'd still be in a happy marriage and I'm pretty confident (well as confident as I can ) that his indiscretion would have been a one and only . Or maybe I'm a totally naive person

By all accounts , the affair ended amicably and they continued to be friends

Thats nice for them!

It sounds to me like you are both a little naive you obviously had issues both of you for this to happen. I think you are both putting your heads in the sand a little.

OP he had FOUR YEARS to tell you. He kept it a secret that long. You say if you had not known you would be in a happy marriage but is that the right way to see things? Was he happy? Was it honest? Is that really your true idea of a happy marriage?

This way is much more honest. I think part of the issue is you are not honest with yourself about the negative feelings you have about the affair. And he is not honest about how he felt at the time. It is ok to see things positively but in order to save the marriage you need to bring things into the open.

Lou.m

username20131 wrote: »

I am so sorry to read what you are going through. I have walked in your shoes and it is horrific. However we were only together 12 years when the cheating became apparent. Same story as you I found out through his phone. I was also physically sick at thought of what he had done.

We went to relationship counselling together. He would only ever admit what he was actually already caught out on. In my experience cheaters only admit what they can't explain away and lie about. He also tried to blame her for what had happened. He tried to blame me for what had happened. There was no true honesty or acceptance of responsibility for his own actions. So for us the counselling did not work out and we have gone our separate ways.

I went to individual counselling after and it helped me immensely. Separating after a long time together is so mentally and emotionally draining.

To be honest I don't know if I could ever have got back with him. He sexually repulsed me at that stage. However I guess if he had been truly honest with me about how he felt, about why he had cheated. If I felt that there were things that we could work on together I would have tried to work on the marriage.

Our relationship was in tatters before we went near a therapist. We should have been there the first time that he thought that he was tempted to cheat, not when so much emotional baggage had be offloaded. I have to say that the break up was the hardest thing to do but I am now looking back at it and delighted that I am away from that level of disrespect

Love has so much to do with trust. Sure he trusts you but do you trust him?

In my experience cheaters only admit what they can't explain away and lie about. He also tried to blame her for what had happened. He tried to blame me for what had happened.

This is really what manipulative people are truly like.

He sexually repulsed me at that stage.

I would be the same.

I am now looking back at it and delighted that I am away from that level of disrespect

Me too.

Back to the OP.

I think that if you are able to express your anger it will help you. And part of that is being allowed to look at him and really see what he did and give yourself permission to. And then understand maybe why he did. More than likely the real reason is ...he is human...and humans are stupid. But there is something that made this ok at the time why?

I think you need to discuss it in a neutral environment and with professional help.

It is going to have to take time and work and you both have to want to do anything to save the marriage.

I think it is possible but you both have to be willing to do it.

allym

OP, he was seeing her for 6 months. This wasnt a one night thing that happened and he apologised for.

He had a relationship behind your back for 6 months and then lied to you for 4 years! And only admitted it when he was caught out. That, to me, doesn't sound like someone's who is truly sorry. Surely the guilt would eat him up and he'd have told you at the time, and tried to work on your relationship then.

I agree that there must have been something he wasn't happy about in your relationship at the time. It may have been completely his issue, and nothing at all to do with you, but whatever it was needs to be addressed. Therapy would be a good way of getting everything out on the table, why he did it, why he didn't own up etc, and figuring out how you can deal with it and move on, If that is what you want.

I think it's important for you to remember that you are the one who has been wronged in this situation, and that this is not all about him and how he's feeling. Anything you feel right now is valid and you should be able to talk about it .

ceadaoin.

OP I really feel for you, this must have come as a terrible shock. I understand that it is easier to believe what he is telling you, because the alternative is to accept that your marriage and the man you love aren't what you thought they were. The fact is, he lied to you for 6 months and only came clean because he was caught. As someone else said, liars only admit to what they have been caught out on, I would really doubt his version on events to be honest. he is still getting his ego massaged by getting her nostalgic texts about how great this particular night together was. If he was remorseful he would have blocked her by now or changed his number. Did he say who ended it?

Tasden

OP I've been cheated on, and for me the worst thing about the whole thing was the lying. Not the actual affair but the betrayal behind it. And when it comes to affairs that betrayal and deceit is shared with another person behind your back.

This guy continuously betrayed you with this woman for a period of time- not just one mistake that they agreed to keep secret- it was ongoing lies. Then they finished it amicably-fair enough, but then he remained friends with her? To continue the secret between them behind your back, sharing texts every now and again. Even though they weren't still together as such, they were still friends. He wasn't planning on ever telling you. It just seems like further betrayal on top of the affair to me. Not really the actions of a remorseful partner IMO.

You can get over this if ye choose to but if I were you I'd be seriously questioning whether you can even trust what he says. Sometimes its best to leave a mirror broken instead of hurting yourself trying to put the pieces back together.

Chimamanda

I've been given a lot of food for thought here guys . Ceadaoin , he says it 'fizzled out' . He says it went from meeting up (for sex) twice a week in the first month to maybe once a fortnight from month four on. He said that they came to a 'mutual agreement' that it shouldn't continue .
I sat down with him again last night to see if I could get anything more out of him as to why it happened . All he could say was that he liked that she threw herself at him . He liked that she initiated sex , that in our relationship he was the one who always initiated it . So why the hell didn't he tell me that years ago ?????
Oh I just don't know anymore . My gut tells me that he is genuinely sorry and that I should give this another try . I have my kids to think of too . They worship their dad and would be broken hearted if we ever split up . And I know that's not a good enough reason to stay with someone , but I do not want to look back in years to come and ask myself 'what if ?' .At least , if things don't work out , I can honestly say I've given it my best shot.
It's very reassuring to know that people have successfully come through affairs with their marriage intact , even if it does seem to be the exception rather than the rule . Thank you so much everyone for all your input , you've given me a lot to think about , but , first and foremost , have convinced me that counselling is the next step . Keep your fingers crossed for me that this all comes to the 'right' conclusion

missjm

I hate to point out the obvious here but you're not going to get anything out of him. He'll give you minimum info and tell you what he thinks you want to hear.

I was in a longterm relationship a few years ago. I found out through texts that my partner was cheating. I immediately asked him to leave. He got down on one knee crying proposing to me. He did everything in his power to change my mind and I didn't. He since married the girl he cheated on me with (funny because he was cheating on her too). It doesn't matter - man or woman, when they know they are in the wrong and in trouble they will say/do anything to worm their way out of it. You won't get the truth.

retro:electro

It "fizzled out" you say?! So it's not even that either party felt guilty or anything like that he just got tired of having his ego massaged by her! Yes they came to a "mutual agreement" but only after neither of them could be bothered to meet up anymore, not for any other reason. Wow, that alone would be enough for me to walk. You shouldn't be the one looking back in years to come thinking 'what if', HE should be the one thinking that.
And by him saying that she initiated sex and you didn't, whether you realise it or not OP he is freeloading some of the blame onto you there.

You deserve so much more than this OP and I'm so glad you came here to look for advice because some of the advise thus far has been fantastic and I really hope you are taking it all in.

beks101

The thought of my OH having sex with another woman as well as me is enough to make me retch.

Top that with the constant habitual lying, the untold risks that he posed to your health without you even being aware (did he use protection every time? Can you even trust the answer?), the ensuing friendship once all was said and done and the nature of the way it all came to pass - if he hadn't been 'found out' you'd be none the wiser - and this would be a no-brainer for me.

Right now I'd just be thinking about my own mental health and the future of fretting, worry, anxiety and stress ahead of me, not knowing what my OH is up to and with who. Not knowing what's a lie and what's the truth.

You deserve better for yourself.

Idle Passerby

Chimamanda wrote: »

I found a text on his phone hothead from this woman which referred back to a night they'd had together that day four years ago (he does not reply to her texts but it doesn't stop her texting him. Her number is now blocked and she no longer works in the same office )His initial reaction was denial but within minutes he admitted it .
Lou.m , you say I'm giving him an easy ride and you're probably right , but I don't see what good it would do to punish him . I think it's punishment enough that he can see how close he is to destroying our marriage , not to mention how he's broken my heart . He's is genuinely , utterly remorseful . If I didn't believe that , I would not be giving our marriage a second chance.
Czarcasm , yes I do know the woman . I met her at many work functions over the years . I confronted her and she told me that she was sick and tired of hearing about his perfect wife and wonderful kids . She said she was very attracted to him and was very jealous of me , but she eventually grew to realise that the affair was never going to go anywhere as he loved me too much .
He swears blind to me that our marriage has always been great and that he did what he did , not because there were any problems , but because he was flattered by the attention and couldn't believe she was handing it to him on a plate !! He never tried to apportion any blame on to her , but accepts full responsibility for what he's done.
I always thought that we had a very open relationship . I've never pulled any punches about letting him know if I was unhappy and I always thought he confided in me also . It will be interesting to hear what counselling may reveal.
I honestly don't know what's going to happen down the line . We have had a very happy marriage (despite the affair) and I believe we can again if I can get past my feelings of betrayal and resentment for how he's jeopardised our marriage . He's under no illusions that he and he alone can prove to me how much he wants to be with me and that IMO , words are meaningless , it's actions that count . Only time will tell if he's up to it .

This doesn't really add up OP. The affair was four years ago and the woman is still reminiscing about it with him? He must be giving her some reason to continue contacting him all these years later. Are they still friendly?

The fact that he admits the marriage was fine when he had the affair suggests he spared little thought for the consequences of his actions at the time. Why was his head so easily turned if he was happy? Why did he have no will power to say no?

And finally, why has he been happy to keep the affair a secret for 4 years if he was being eaten up with guilt? Why did he continue to entertain texts from the woman if he was so remorseful? He owned up because he was caught red handed!

Chimamanda

I really believe it was his male ego . He loved being showered with attention . He loved the idea of someone else wanting him . He loved they fact that she still reminisced about the time they had together . He's a bloody selfish , unthinking man !!! Either he wasn't feeling at all guilty or he was afraid to tell me because of my reaction , and as the years passed I suppose it became easier to believe he'd never be caught .
I will not make excuses for him , I'm absolutely furious with what he's done and what he's putting me through , but I will try to work through all of this .

professore

As a man, I could see how a slip could happen once with alcohol on board etc, even so I'd be wracked with guilt.

But a 4 month affair? No way. I have a friend who is happily married with kids to a lovely woman and gets off with women at every opportunity. She has no idea he's likened this. All my female friends say how he's a "lovely guy". Yeah right. I'm sure if he was caught he would claim it was a once off. If I was contemplating an affair like this I would end my marriage.

Lillibeth

I'm sorry you are going through this. I'm sure you have more questions than answers at this stage. I think only you know if your marriage and your relationship is strong enough to be able to withstand the emotionally tough road ahead. You will need a safe space to sort though and express you feelings and I think individual counselling for you and then couples therapy is something you should really consider. I also think that you should not feel that coming through something like this is the exception as I believe every relationship is so complex that you can never compare yours with someone else's. Communication and time to heal is what's going to be needed. It'll be difficult but from your posts I believe it's something you want. I wish you strength getting through this and peace of mind in the future.

MagicMarker

No one who loves someone goes behind their back and sleeps with someone else for months, and then decides to keep it secret for years. Anyone who does that only loves one person, themselves.

Op, I think you're kidding yourself. He's made a habit of lying to you. It's probably not the first time he's cheated on you, he's probably still lying about what really went on, and it definitely won't be that last time he cheats.

You can believe that this was a single indiscretion and deep down he's a great guy, but the reality is he's an arsehole who doesn't think twice when it comes to betraying the woman he "loves".

ceadaoin.

I think it is possible for a relationship to survive infidelity but only if the full truth, warts and all, is disclosed and the cheating party takes full responsibility for their actions. By saying that he was the one who had to initiate everything in your relationship and he enjoyed that she pursued him, he is trying to shift the blame on to you. If only you were leaping on him at every opportunity then he wouldn't have been so easily tempted :rolleyes:

It 'fizzled out'? So it's not even like it ended due to him feeling guilty. I'd imagine she was the one who ended it. You say she settled down with someone soon after so this could be the reason. Did you have any inkling at the time something might be going on? Quite often you hear people say they had a niggling gut feeling that something was up. If not, he is obviously a pretty good liar. How could you ever trust him again?

Also, I would recommend you get an STI test just in case he may have exposed you to something

Chimamanda

ceadaoin. wrote: »

I think it is possible for a relationship to survive infidelity but only if the full truth, warts and all, is disclosed and the cheating party takes full responsibility for their actions. By saying that he was the one who had to initiate everything in your relationship and he enjoyed that she pursued him, he is trying to shift the blame on to you. If only you were leaping on him at every opportunity then he wouldn't have been so easily tempted :rolleyes:

It 'fizzled out'? So it's not even like it ended due to him feeling guilty. I'd imagine she was the one who ended it. You say she settled down with someone soon after so this could be the reason. Did you have any inkling at the time something might be going on? Quite often you hear people say they had a niggling gut feeling that something was up. If not, he is obviously a pretty good liar. How could you ever trust him again?

Also, I would recommend you get an STI test just in case he may have exposed you to something

She also said it 'fizzled out ' when I confronted her . No , I don't think he's trying to shift any of the blame on to me . I pushed and pushed him into telling me why it happened and he said that he really couldn't say except that he was flattered by the attention and liked the fact that she initiated it . I then probed further and he said that he always wished I'd take the lead more often . He really wasn't trying to offload blame on me , I'm certain of that . And yes , funnily enough , I was suspicious back then that there was something going on , but I brushed my suspicions aside as paranoia as , whenever I'd check up on him , he was exactly where he said he was when he was . I had no clue that he was finishing work 30 mins early to detour to hers twice a week . Lol , 30 mins to get in , do the dirty , get dressed and go home again . Very clinical if you ask me . And I did ask him . He said it was totally emotional less sex . It was sex for sex sake , not because it was good . Stupid bloody fool , jeopardising our marriage for a quick fumble !!!

December2012

I think it's possible to love somebody and for some reason (more to do with oneself), cheat on them.

I also believe that it is not a guarantee that it will happen again. He finished it, it has not ended just because you found out.

I think if I were in your position I would also fight to save my marriage.

CaraMay

He is saying all the right things but I just hope he means them. Tbh it all sounds very suss. Do you really think it was just a 30 minute wham, bam?? It's highly unlikely.

I would start counseling but proceed with caution. He wasn't exactly honest about it and you don't really know this man anymore. He has two sides and just can't be trusted. In time that may change but for now proceed with caution.

tara73

Chimamanda wrote: »

She also said it 'fizzled out ' when I confronted her . No , I don't think he's trying to shift any of the blame on to me . I pushed and pushed him into telling me why it happened and he said that he really couldn't say except that he was flattered by the attention and liked the fact that she initiated it . I then probed further and he said that he always wished I'd take the lead more often . He really wasn't trying to offload blame on me , I'm certain of that . And yes , funnily enough , I was suspicious back then that there was something going on , but I brushed my suspicions aside as paranoia as , whenever I'd check up on him , he was exactly where he said he was when he was . I had no clue that he was finishing work 30 mins early to detour to hers twice a week . Lol , 30 mins to get in , do the dirty , get dressed and go home again . Very clinical if you ask me . And I did ask him . He said it was totally emotional less sex . It was sex for sex sake , not because it was good . Stupid bloody fool , jeopardising our marriage for a quick fumble !!!

sorry OP, but every post of you reveals a bit more what kind of character this man is and how you obviously still making excuses for him.

so you were already suspicious at that time, many years ago. you said you checked up on him and he was always were he said he was. how do you know? did you actually ran to the places to check ? that in itself would be a sign of a completely dysfunctional, untrustworthy relationship at that time.
or did you check via phone? if yes, how could you know if it was true what he was saying where he is?

and yeah, sex for the quick satisfaction, some fumbling. so she was like a prostitute to him? if it's so easy, and equally so easy to justify, the question is what is holding him off to do it again anytime he feels like his ego and whatever needs a boost?
If it wasn't in some part the person also which attracted him, why are they still in contact and she reminiscing about the old times? nothing of what he's saying is adding up here.

and yes, he's putting the blame on you in saying you didn't initiate sex. but in your post you blame yourself, because you pushed him so hard to say this. jesus.

something makes my blood boil in this case, and it is the attitude of yours, excusing his behaviour constantly and not feeling real anger from your side, although in every post, as I said, you reveal some more of this ****ty character and BS he's telling you and you even believe him!
the question I ask myself, waht would happen, if you get really, really angry? did that ever happen? or could it be there's a subtle rule in your relationship, subtle pressure from him if you get angry, you know he will react in some mean way? (many possibilities here I don't want to get into).

if you want to do yourself a favour, you seriously need to wake up and show this man you mean business, you are not forgiving him quickly, if ever.

I know it must be hard with kids involved, but as it is so often said here and it is true, it's better to seperate, it might be very hurtful at first for them, but it is better in the longrun for them than to grow up in an athmosphere of resentment between the parents and the knowledge they only stay together because of the sake of them. I experienced something like that, so I know what I'm talking about.

also, did you bring up the couples counseling with him? what's his opinion of this? if he's willing to do it, it's a fairly good sign he still cares for the marriage in some way.

Linka

Chimamanda wrote: »

he said that he really couldn't say except that he was flattered by the attention and liked the fact that she initiated it .

I then probed further and he said that he always wished I'd take the lead more often .

Cryptically he's told you that it's her fault and your fault. Leaving your job 30 minutes early to go have sex with another woman for six months sounds like he was a very willing participant.

If you've made the decision that you want to stay with this man, then I suggest you attend marriage counseling together. At least there will be an emotionally uninvolved person in the room that might pick up on his blame game horse-shit. I'm sorry if I sound harsh about this, but too much about this situation bothers me. Instead of telling you he felt like the marriage was in trouble in the bedroom sense, he had an affair. It shows a great deal of disrespect to do something like that to someone.

ceadaoin.

Chimamanda wrote: »

She also said it 'fizzled out ' when I confronted her . No , I don't think he's trying to shift any of the blame on to me . I pushed and pushed him into telling me why it happened and he said that he really couldn't say except that he was flattered by the attention and liked the fact that she initiated it . I then probed further and he said that he always wished I'd take the lead more often . He really wasn't trying to offload blame on me , I'm certain of that . And yes , funnily enough , I was suspicious back then that there was something going on , but I brushed my suspicions aside as paranoia as , whenever I'd check up on him , he was exactly where he said he was when he was . I had no clue that he was finishing work 30 mins early to detour to hers twice a week . Lol , 30 mins to get in , do the dirty , get dressed and go home again . Very clinical if you ask me . And I did ask him . He said it was totally emotional less sex . It was sex for sex sake , not because it was good . Stupid bloody fool , jeopardising our marriage for a quick fumble !!!

Is the marriage in jeopardy though? Sorry OP but you don't seem like you are going to leave him and I'm sure he knows this. If he doesn't see what he has to lose then what exactly is stopping him from doing it again next time you aren't lavishing him with affection? From what you have said he doesn't really sound very sorry. From his point of view, it seems to be more a case of 'it happened, it's over now, let's move on.' And he was trying to offload blame onto you, and in quite a manipulative way. He might love you in his own way, but he certainly doesn't respect you if he would do that.

Chimamanda

tara73 wrote: »

sorry OP, but every post of you reveals a bit more what kind of character this man is and how you obviously still making excuses for him.

so you were already suspicious at that time, many years ago. you said you checked up on him and he was always were he said he was. how do you know? did you actually ran to the places to check ? that in itself would be a sign of a completely dysfunctional, untrustworthy relationship at that time.
or did you check via phone? if yes, how could you know if it was true what he was saying where he is?

and yeah, sex for the quick satisfaction, some fumbling. so she was like a prostitute to him? if it's so easy, and equally so easy to justify, the question is what is holding him off to do it again anytime he feels like his ego and whatever needs a boost?
If it wasn't in some part the person also which attracted him, why are they still in contact and she reminiscing about the old times? nothing of what he's saying is adding up here.

and yes, he's putting the blame on you in saying you didn't initiate sex. but in your post you blame yourself, because you pushed him so hard to say this. jesus.

something makes my blood boil in this case, and it is the attitude of yours, excusing his behaviour constantly and not feeling real anger from your side, although in every post, as I said, you reveal some more of this ****ty character and BS he's telling you and you even believe him!
the question I ask myself, waht would happen, if you get really, really angry? did that ever happen? or could it be there's a subtle rule in your relationship, subtle pressure from him if you get angry, you know he will react in some mean way? (many possibilities here I don't want to get into).

if you want to do yourself a favour, you seriously need to wake up and show this man you mean business, you are not forgiving him quickly, if ever.

I know it must be hard with kids involved, but as it is so often said here and it is true, it's better to seperate, it might be very hurtful at first for them, but it is better in the longrun for them than to grow up in an athmosphere of resentment between the parents and the knowledge they only stay together because of the sake of them. I experienced something like that, so I know what I'm talking about.

also, did you bring up the couples counseling with him? what's his opinion of this? if he's willing to do it, it's a fairly good sign he still cares for the marriage in some way.

Oh tara73 , you really are way off the mark with your insinuation. He is an incredible gentle , happy person . He truly wouldn't harm a fly . I'm the hot tempered one in our relationship . He rarely gets angry , but the worst that'll happen is that he'll storm out of the room and ten minutes later he's back to his cheerful self again . Maybe that's why I'm making excuses for him . He really is a nice , caring , happy , loving person (who also happens to be a lying , cheating adulterer!!!) I just can't believe that my husband would do this !! If you asked anyone who knows us which of the two of us would be most likely to cheat outside our marriage , I'd be willing to bet that every single one of them would name me !!
It's like , for that period of his life he was inhabited by another person . I know, I'm excusing him again and this is not me either !! I'm a very strong person (believe it or not ) and if this was any friend of mine , I'd be telling her to put him out of the house asap ! I truly hope I won't live to regret my decision .
Yes I did talk to him about counselling and he is more than willing to participate. He has told me that he will do whatever it takes to get things back on track again and I believe he will . If this marriage doesn't work, it won't be for lack of effort on both our parts .

MagicMarker

Nice caring gentlemen don't sneak off for 30 minutes for a cheap ride with the office girl while his wife and kids are at home.

Chimamanda

ceadaoin. wrote: »

Is the marriage in jeopardy though? Sorry OP but you don't seem like you are going to leave him and I'm sure he knows this. If he doesn't see what he has to lose then what exactly is stopping him from doing it again next time you aren't lavishing him with affection? From what you have said he doesn't really sound very sorry. From his point of view, it seems to be more a case of 'it happened, it's over now, let's move on.' And he was trying to offload blame onto you, and in quite a manipulative way. He might love you in his own way, but he certainly doesn't respect you if he would do that.

I really don't know what the future will hold . I've told him that I am prepared to try to make our marriage work but that there are no guarantees . He knows that our marriage is on very rocky ground . I don't think he's trying to offload blame on me . I think maybe I'm pushing him to give me a reason as to why this happened , but he hasn't a reason , so he's grasping at the first thing he can think of that I'll accept as an 'excuse'. He's really not a bad man . He's done an awful, awful thing , but that doesn't make him bad and it doesn't mean that he doesn't deserve another chance .

Starokan

I think it's entirely possible that your husband does indeed love you, many people cheat without giving any thought to their partners feelings, it's only when they are found out that the consequences become evident and some do indeed feel guilty when they see the hurt they have caused.

Don't buy into the farce of an excuse that he strayed because you did not initiate sex, that's a dick move on his behalf to deflect blame, believe me he saw a chance liked the attention and was attracted to being with someone else and went for it.

The reality is your husband never felt guilty enough to make you aware of what had gone on, he was never ever going to disrupt his home life, it may have been only this person or there may have been more, the majority of people who cheat would act in exactly the same way.

You will never really know the full truth, what you have to do is weigh up whether you are being told what you need to hear to forgive him or whether he is genuinely remorseful. All you can do is trust your instincts on this and let the future unfold, you can only stay if you can trust him or else you will only ever be at peace when he is with you and you know what he is doing.

Tasden

Chimamanda wrote: »

I really don't know what the future will hold . I've told him that I am prepared to try to make our marriage work but that there are no guarantees . He knows that our marriage is on very rocky ground . I don't think he's trying to offload blame on me . I think maybe I'm pushing him to give me a reason as to why this happened , but he hasn't a reason , so he's grasping at the first thing he can think of that I'll accept as an 'excuse'. He's really not a bad man . He's done an awful, awful thing , but that doesn't make him bad and it doesn't mean that he doesn't deserve another chance .

Tbh op from both your threads it seems you've already decided you're going to give him another chance, but the fact that you're on here in the first place, starting two different threads on the subject just shows that you're not really confident in that decision. Which is understandable.

You're saying that he knows the relationship is on rocky ground and its gonna take work- but he cheated when you were supposedly happy and fine in the relationship- why do you think things will be different when the relationship is actually taking extra work and not all rosy?

What if you end up feeling a little resentful or hurt one day in a particularly difficult therapy session and don't feel like massaging his ego, what's stopping him from doing it again?

I'm not trying to be negative or anything, I just don't know if you're only choosing to try and forgive/overcome this because you WANT to be able to do it rather than because it feels right.

LegacyUser

OP: I'm sorry, but , in truth , I have to call a spade a spade. You would never have known about this "affair" unless you had happened to find this message. 4.5 years...you didn't know... For all you know he could have been sleeping around/had profiles on dating sites etc....what do you really know?
You are so ready to forgive him, but how can you forgive him, when you don't really know what you are forgiving him for!
I speak from experience here. I was like you , so ready to forgive, so broken that I would do , and did , everything I could to save my marriage. But in the end I couldn't even let him touch me, knowing only an abridged version of the actuality. And believe me, he is minimising the whole affair in damage limitation, not for you, but for himself, so you don't kick his sorry ass out. In the posts you have put up, you sound almost apologetic towards him, almost making excuses for him, and minimising what went on. Yes, they had it so well polished that a half an hour would do them... Don't fool yourself too much. In the end of the day, some people do get over "the affair" , but the one who has to do the getting over it is you, not him. He's already kept it to himself for a considerable amount of time, and would have very happily gone on with you unaware, til death do you part.
I know I sound harsh, but initial anger quickly turns to resentment, and you, by your own admission have started to throw it back in his face at times, which you are entitled to, but then you'll start to keep yourself in check, and feel sorry for him that you are throwing it back in his face, and you'll end up on the apologetics again, by which time the resentment inside you will blow.
Really , I wish you well, but the road is long for you.
Best of luck with whatever you wish to do and I hope things work out for you.

LegacyUser

I was in the same position as you, OP. My husband cheated on me with my brother's long-term girlfriend, and we were on the verge of splitting up. It was years before I found out. He had cheated with a few others, too, some of whom I thought were my friends.

We went to counselling, and everything seemed to be magically fixed. It was all a "communication problem". After all of that, I trusted him completely. I mean, really completely. I thought he was the last person on earth who would ever cheat. I was entirely convinced. We went on to have three kids together. Turned out he was very eager to cheat. At every opportunity. But it took years and years for me to find out.

When I look back on it all now, I feel like the biggest fecking eejit on the entire planet.

Flippyfloppy

I echo all of the replies already here.

I'm just wondering , have to spoke to your own friends and family about this yet? Or is it something you and your husband are planning to keep between yourselves?

Idle Passerby

It's good that you're getting angry. Don't be tempted to minimise your own feelings now because he's ready to put it behind him. You have every right to give yourself time to be angry, hurt, sad etc. Don't rush into reassuring him you will get over it and return to the marriage, that only tells him he has to sit out the storm and it can be forgotten. Take time for yourself now, and try to forget about what he wants until you know what you want.

HotHHead

Im glad to see your finally getting angry, you need to be angry, I echo what others have said but especially the part about her making a beeline for your husband. He was the married one, if she was standing in his office naked handing herself to him,he should of said NO end of no excuses...

discus

MagicMarker wrote: »

Nice caring gentlemen don't sneak off for 30 minutes for a cheap ride with the office girl while his wife and kids are at home.

Jesus, have you been scorned in the past?

Tokyo

discus - after 4 years of posting in PI/RI you should know not to take potshots like that - constructive and mature advice towards the OP only please. Next time will earn you an infraction.

Regards,
Mike

diveout

You are not going to get a stable truth out of him, one because he could be lying to himself, secondly because people revise history all the time.

What I think you might consider, is is your marriage worth saving VS being a single mother, because those are the two possible endgames to this.

He was having consequence free sex and it looks by what he is presenting that it was more like a masterbatory aid than anything particularly meaningful.

But it is the lies that undo us and if he is mature, he will be brutally honest with himself and you, and if you are mature, you will be able to handle what he tells you.

That is if course, if the truth is what you want.