My kids are unaccepting of my new relationship <mod warning post #45>

Taltos

Can I remind everyone else that all opinions are welcome, please limit your criticism to posts not the poster.

Thanks
Taltos

Sound Bite

Congratulations on your new relationship. Everyone deserves to be happy.

Perhaps you should sit down with your children, tell them that you're very disappointed with their reactions, that you thought they'd be happy for you and you'll like to understand their concerns.

It's probably just an overreaction that they will regret once they get used to it.

LegacyUser

I am going to be honest here your 16 year old sounds more mature than the 21 year old's.
At this stage of there lives both of the 21 year old should be moving on with there own lives. In effect they are not happy that you are moving on with your life and after 12 years of putting your children first you are entitled to do this.
I would not feel bad that you have meet someone who makes you happy.
You need to remember that you are entitled to your own life and your 16 year old will leave home in the next few years.

In regards to your son I would tell him that it is time for him to grow up. Tell him that you are not going to put up with tantrums from him over this.
I would then say to him that you are entitled to your own life and that you are going out with this man weather he likes this or not.

Don't let your immature son stop you from having a life now. You have had a lot to deal with over the past 15 years plus and you are entitled to a life now.

Eeden

I think you have done more than enough for your children, in terms of denying yourself. I have been in a vaguely similar situation, having been separated for coming up to six years, and though their dad has been in another relationship for 3 years or so, and they totally accept it, I've not felt that I could do the same. To be honest, I've also not had the time or inclination, because the kids have lived with me and it would be just too much hard work. My kids are similar ages to your kids, and now the older ones are moving on and out as well.

I still can't be arsed about a relationship and can't see myself ever bothering again, but if I did, at this stage, I feel it would by my business only (apart from taking into account practicalities for my youngest, who still lives with me full time).

You may feel the need to sit the older ones down and explain to them that you are an adult with your own life; or you may feel that you just need to get on with things (as they will with their own lives). Whatever happens, you need to treat yourself well and remember that your older children are going to move on with their lives and can't expect you to put your life on hold to suit them. And try to be happy if you can. In the end, that will make your children happy too.

seamus

I think without knowing exactly why the two older ones have a problem, you're going to be dancing around the issue for a long time. Perhaps it's because the man is a close family friend they see him more as an uncle figure and it's just plain weird to see you together.

For the most part children also tend to think of their parents as asexual. There was an hilarious thread here on PI a few years back. A guy in his late teens had been speaking to his mother and she'd been quite frank and forthright about sex and her need for alone time with her husband, etc. The guy lost the plot, told her she was disgusting and needed to cop on, that people in their 40s don't have sex, and then stormed out and refused to talk to her. He was posting on PI looking for support in his view and got rightly lambasted for it.
So perhaps your eldest two are somewhat shocked to be confronted by the concept that you're a normal human being.

Being older, they also remember their father much more clearly and may feel that your moving on is disrespectful to his memory.

Ultimately no matter what their reason they will just need to get over it, but like I say you need to know what their problem is and encourage them to talk to you as adults.

LegacyUser

First off I want to thank everyone for your replies. It’s really been overwhelming the response.

I would have replied sooner but I didn't get a chance with work. Anyway thank you. I might reply to some posts specifically after this but I'll just give a general response first.

Also I find it interesting that people have presumed I'm female. I suppose I didn't say anything about my gender or sexuality in the post as I didn't think about it and didn't see any relevance in my mind. I don't think this is an lgbt problem since why I posed it here as I thought people would have more to say on it here.

However I do wonder would peoples responses have been different If I made that I was male clearer in the post. Also I’m sure that reply that was basically someone slut shaming me probably wouldn’t have happened because god forbid a woman do something other than cook and clean and look after her children. I work for a human rights group that focuses on gender and/or sexuality equality so I just rolled my eyes when I read that post. I’m quite liberal and a critical thinker so I didn’t take what they said on board but I really appreciate and I’m glad to see every stood up and said nice, supportive things.

Also you’ve got me thinking that’s for sure. I thought the problem might have been that they felt I was replacing their father. That I would have to clarify with them that he's not your evil step father and just my boyfriend, but not that the problem might actually be with him and the fact that they have know him since they've known me really and the fact he’s old friends with me and their father. I’ve been so focused on them and how they feel that I didn’t think that the fact my relationship with him might be the problem and not something that they are going through. I doubt something happened between them like one person said but the whole uncle thing like another person said might be it.

Another theory is I thought maybe that they reacted more negatively because they remember their father better. Though my youngest remembers him he was still five when he past. However either way I think my 16 year old is more concerned about his video games then my love life. He is naturally very quite so he might just not be saying anything. Or I'm over thinking it. He's also the only one that doesn't remember being fostered before me and my husband got them. So I've been wondering does that have something to do with it. I thought that last night.

The twins were in 3 different foster homes before us. When they were babies they were even separated. Then when they finally settled with us it wasn't long that long really before my husband got sick. So things changed again for them. Basically just me not being just their single father anymore might be why they met the change aggressively.

Also To clarify, though we are exes we were never that serious. We were together in our early/mid 20's for almost six months. At the time we were both in the closet so it didn't work out. Yes we have stayed friends but on my side I genuinely didn't harbour any romantic feelings for him. He's had a number of relationships, long and short since so and though I can't speak for him I don't think he's been harbouring anything either. We mentioned it very briefly a couple of months ago and we both think the ex thing is more of a coincidence then anything else.

It might be different in the straight community but the gay scene can be quite in search for a better term ‘incestuous’ at times and I'm sure it was worse when I was actually on the scene all those many, many... many years ago. D (I shall refer to him as that as not to give away his name) and my husband kissed once and that was before I even met my husband. I never thought that was weird. A funny coincidence yes, but not weird. We all go to the same couple of bars which there was much less of when I was younger and there’s still only four really in all of Dublin. Also the community is so small. I know lots of people still friends with ex's. And lots of friend groups where a lot of them have had relationships with each other at some point.

An update on the situation though is my daughter has apologised for crying. It came out of nowhere and I was grateful. D has family wedding coming up so I was going to go clothes shopping with him on Friday but she offered to still come and help like she was going to before I told them. However she still feels I should have told her sooner. And that’s what she’s concerned about. It was a quick conversation. Her work phone rang and she dropped it.

Otherwise we’ve basically been ignoring the elephant in the room. I think the next step is to talk to the kids again. And not to corner them but maybe over dinner tonight and ask what they really think. Because all we’re doing here is speculating.

I also think I should talk to D and get his perspective on this. I probably should be talking to the people involved rather than venting on the internet. But this is actually helping.

I think time might be the best solution here though. To be fair this is an awkward situation and though I didn’t walk up to my kids and say ‘I’m having sex with D and its great,’ it still kind of feels that way so it’s odd and uncomfortable. Though once again i’m speculating. They might not of thought that at all. Also none of my kids have had a boyfriend or girlfriends so this is an issue that have never came up. We did talk about sex in an formal contraceptive, reproductive, consent and STD point of view when they were younger and curious but that was still horrendously awkward.

Anyway to sum it all up. Life is complicated.

hoodwinked

Mark Medovich wrote: »

An update on the situation though is my daughter has apologised for crying. It came out of nowhere and I was grateful. D has family wedding coming up so I was going to go clothes shopping with him on Friday but she offered to still come and help like she was going to before I told them. However she still feels I should have told her sooner. And that’s what she’s concerned about. It was a quick conversation. Her work phone rang and she dropped it.

Otherwise we’ve basically been ignoring the elephant in the room. I think the next step is to talk to the kids again. And not to corner them but maybe over dinner tonight and ask what they really think. Because all we’re doing here is speculating.

going back to what i said earlier i agree, talking to them and not cornering them is probably the best idea here,
you need to talk to them now they have had some time to process it, it should be easier, you said your daughter has apologised, which pushes me further to believe it was just the fact the whole lot was thrown at them too much too soon, they just needed some time,

im sure the other twin will come around too in their own time, just keep being a supportive parent and don't force the issue (or force them to spend time together) keep the communication going and it should all be ok.

username123

Mark Medovich wrote: »

Also I’m sure that reply that was basically someone slut shaming me probably wouldn’t have happened because god forbid a woman do something other than cook and clean and look after her children. I work for a human rights group that focuses on gender and/or sexuality equality so I just rolled my eyes when I read that post.

Said poster will probably choke on the holy water given what youve just posted

Mark Medovich wrote: »

I think time might be the best solution here though. To be fair this is an awkward situation and though I didn’t walk up to my kids and say ‘I’m having sex with D and its great,’ it still kind of feels that way so it’s odd and uncomfortable.

I think the oddest thing is that for the kids, youve not been in another relationship, at all, since your husband died. So they see you as non relationship material. Its just a shock to find that you are actually a sexual being.

However, while I agree that time will be the solution, in your shoes, Id be firm about things upfront. Start as you mean to go on. Dont be cancelling your partner coming to things in case it upsets the kids type of thing. Not to be forcing them to spend time together either, but its a good idea for casual interaction, meeting in passing, non formal events etc to happen from early on so they can see that this is something serious for you.

Im surprised to hear none of the kids has had boyfriends/girlfriends - they may have and just kept it quiet (I know I used to keep dating very private and away from my parents in case they embarrassed me!) - but if they genuinely havent, then that may well be another reason they are a bit at sea about it all.

sopretty

Am I confused or did you refer to your partner as your husband in your OP, but you're homosexual and you live in Ireland?

LegacyUser

sopretty wrote: »

Am I confused or did you refer to your partner as your husband in your OP, but you're homosexual and you live in Ireland?

Yes, unfortunately we we never legally married. And civil partnership didn't exist when we were together either. We did have a type of commitment ceremony thing with some of our friends and close family on our anniversary once. But it was a pretty low key affair.

But I don't really think any of that matters. We referred to ourselves as husbands all the time. When I wrote my posts I didn't even think about it honestly.

I have an acquaintance who even calls his husband his wife! Though that isn't common but I'm pretty sure there is lots of LGBT couples out there, all over the world who refer to each other as wife's and Husbands.

We probably would have availed of equal marriage opportunities if it was a possible in the 90's/00's. Though just because we we'rent legal doesn't undermine our relationship. Or the fact we decided to have kids.

Tramps Like Us

sopretty wrote: »

Am I confused or did you refer to your partner as your husband in your OP, but you're homosexual and you live in Ireland?

And a male homosexual couple fostered/adopted kids twenty years ago?

sopretty

Tramps Like Us wrote: »

And a male homosexual couple fostered/adopted kids twenty years ago?

I was leading up to that question myself once I had established the 'facts according to OP' :pac:

Why do people make stories up?

LegacyUser

Tramps Like Us wrote: »

And a male homosexual couple fostered/adopted kids twenty years ago?

Yes, it happens. I didn't think i'd have to defend myself (in search for a better expression) but I guess I've been in my own world for too long. I kind of feel this is a little personal and irrelevant but let me explain.

When we got my youngest we started the the adoption process with him in 1999. We kind of knew a foster mother through friends of my family. She was aware that we wanted a child so she help me get into the system.

After that in 2000 we decided to foster as well and I didn't get the twins until they were 7. You might think it was quick after our first child but it was just one of those stars aligning things. We were planning to do it with regularly for shorter terms but it just worked out the way it worked out. He was a youth worker and I work for NGO's so I was something we were considering to do for a good while.

We also know people, not many true but people who fostered and adopted before us and who went the surrogacy route. Mostly from the UK to be fair or female here. We looked for people who had done it for support and advice at the time. So its happening and it has been for a long time.

As far as I'm aware you still can't adopt or foster jointly. Though I think they are working on changing that in the future. So Anyway we did it through single parent fostering like many couples. Under my name luckily. As I've no idea what would have happened to the kids if we did it though his.

Taltos

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Thanks
Taltos

December2012

Hi OP,

Apologies, I did assume you were female.

Given that your children did not come to you by the "traditional" route I wonder then is your twin son perhaps more affected by change?

I'm glad your daughter came around, it's nice that she wants to be accepting. She was probably in shock, maybe your son is too?

I wonder also does he have exams or something like that around now that maybe means he is a bit overwhelmed and isn't the most receptive at the minute?

With a bit more time, patience and calmness hopefully he'll come around, particularly when he sees how your other children have reacted.

Paddy Cow

Hi OP. I think you would be best giving your son some more time to get used to the situation. Sometimes over talking a situation makes it into something bigger. Time and space give perspective, which is what your son needs.

A lot of posters are calling the twins selfish and while their initial reaction might come across like that, as you learned with your daughter, they are not truly selfish and just need to get used to the idea. You have been their only parent for so long and another person coming into the equation completely changes this dynamic and will stir up a lot of feelings that need to settle.

It's natural for them to feel overwhelmed and maybe even act out. Your daughter is coming around and your son will too. If it was a year down the line and your son still wouldn't accept it, then I would say he is being selfish. You sound very aware of the situation and I'm sure you'll find a way to work through it.

Good luck and I wish you all the best

Obliq

Mark Medovich wrote: »

It might be different in the straight community but the gay scene can be quite in search for a better term ‘incestuous’ at times and I'm sure it was worse when I was actually on the scene all those many, many... many years ago. D (I shall refer to him as that as not to give away his name) and my husband kissed once and that was before I even met my husband. I never thought that was weird. A funny coincidence yes, but not weird. We all go to the same couple of bars which there was much less of when I was younger and there’s still only four really in all of Dublin. Also the community is so small. I know lots of people still friends with ex's. And lots of friend groups where a lot of them have had relationships with each other at some point.

Glad I answered yesterday in "gender neutral" now I think you're on the right track OP, as regards your kids, and presumably, your daughter's reaction and her subsequent apology and clarification will have some bearing on how her twin is going to take things too (hopefully). I've highlighted this part of your post just to reassure you that your community is NO worse than small-town Ireland! I've been in the shticks for 20 years, and I can safely tell you that, em...incestuous is probably the word. Small pond, not that many fish, and it's not at all weird.

This is normal, and you should rule that out as a possible stick to beat yourself with. In the next few weeks, I am going to my fella's ex's wedding, another ex will have us over for dinner to meet her new (resurrection of an old flame) fella, and his best mate (another ex) is taking my youngest off for a few hours tomorrow to do some work at her's. If I had a jealousy issue, I'd be in trouble and so would he. Don't sweat the small stuff, eh?

Semele

I think the information you've given about the twins background is significant. They've experienced an awful lot of change and loss at young ages and those things can leave very deep scars. Although it sounds like they've been very lucky to have great parents you can't underestimate how scary and threatening any sort of change may feel to them, even if they can't articulate it or understand the feelings themselves. In my opinion the best thing to do would just be to carry on as normal as much as possible- mention your boyfriend naturally but don't instigate full-on conversations about everyone's feelings, unless they choose to bring it up in their own time. If they see that your relationship with them is still the same and that there is still as much love and time in your life for them as before then that will do a lot to reduce the fear of further change and loss.

I actually think it's lovely that you've ended up with someone who knew your husband:) It means that his importance in everyone's lives, and just him as a person really, can be fully appreciated by everyone concerned, rather than if your new partner had never known him or shared memories with you both. If my parent was in your situation I think I'd feel less threatened about my father being "replaced", because he is a real person to your new partner as well rather than just an abstract idea.