My kids are unaccepting of my new relationship <mod warning post #45>

LegacyUser

I'm 54 and Its been 11 almost 12 years since my husband passed away. He was sick for a couple of years, cancer and my were kids 10(boy and girl/twins) and 5(boy) at the time he died. It was horrible at the time and still is don't get me wrong but we try our best. If I'm honest his death took a lot out of me as did caring for him when he was sick. After he died it was also quite a shock becoming a single parent family with a single parent income but once again we tried our best.

One thing though which is arguably negative is I pretty much threw myself into my children's life's and parenting and I forgot about myself. I haven't had a relationship or slept with anyone since he died. There was one guy that used to volunteer at my library but I wasn't ready when he asked me out but that was like 7 or 8 years ago. Less wrinkles, chubbiness and grey hair was involved.

Anyway my old ex -from before I even met my husband- and I have rekindled our relationship. He and I never stopped being friends after all these years and one night it just happened. We both realized that where we are in our lives and with how we feel about each other and out history that maybe giving us a go again isn't that bad of an idea. That and I didn't realized I've ignored how much I've missed intimacy. Anyway all is going well and happily with us. We're burning a lot of calories too (if you get what I mean) but we're also aware its the honeymoon phase. However we've or at least I have hit the first bump in the road. I've told my kids.

The youngest is 16 and obviously still lives with me and he found out first, a couple of weeks ago. He was fine about it if not apathetic. He's 16 I suppose.

The twins (21 years) who live about three and 1 and a half hours away from me for college and work and I told them at the weekend since they were home for Easter. I kept it quite the last four moths since I didn't know what mine and his relationship was but since its on longer just a fling I felt it was time to be honest.

They both reacted negatively. The boy reacted the worst and my daughter actually cried but I think she was more upset that I hadn't told her sooner. My son was so angry. He pretty much threw a tantrum. He doesn't normally act like that.

I knew this wouldn't be easy but I didn't expect this. I don't know what to do. They think I should stop seeing him or at least slow our relationship right down. That me dating is fine but I shouldn't be with him. They all know him well as he's always been a close family friend. Even babysat them lots of times. They don't want him any where near the house until they're gone. I had to tell him not to come to the barbecue I had planned for just me, the kids and him.

I really don't know what to do. I'm afraid my emotions are getting the better of me. Its a difficult situation and its awkward too. I know I need to sit down and have a chat with them again. But ugh any advice on any of this?

jellyboy

Hi op

this is my way of describing my answer to your post

you have been saving(love) for the last ten years for a beautiful shiny red car ,full of shiny buttons and its a convertible (partner)

every second of every minute of every hour you have saved for this car..
you have three amazing bank managers(kids) who encourage you to save save save more and more ..as they grow and nourish on the interest from that extra lodgment in there lives..

then you see that shiny red sports car (partner) and you want to make that withdrawal..
but the bank managers are resisting,telling you that you will lose and be penalized for an early withdrawal ,they will use every trick in the book to make that extra lodgment stay…playing on the heart strings ,bringing up past bad investments ,anything and everything they can use to make that lodgment stay in there bank of love …


make that withdrawal ,no matter how painful it is for you ,invest in that shiny sports car and drive off into the sunset …



bank managers know nothing of the real world ,they only live in their world
but as they mature into wise people and live there own experiences..
they begin to understand ,that love is all we have ..
and that bank of love lives in all of our hearts …
the fear we feel as we make a withdrawal ,is love growing deeper and deeper into our lives

Merkin

It's odd that they think it's ok that you are dating, just not with him. What reasons have they come up with as to why they don't want you seeing him specifically?

miamee

Hi OP,
You poor thing, this sounds very difficult. At 21 even though they are adults, they are still quite young. They still possibly think of you as a parent but not a 'real' person with needs outside of being their mammy. It will have been an enormous shock to them especially as you say you have never dated anyone in the interim.
Maybe they expected that you beginning to date again would be a big deal that you would all know as a family about but to find out that you are already in a serious relationship was probably a bit too much for them to handle in one sitting.

Give them some time to get used to the idea, be open with them if they want to ask questions. If your older son can't get his head around it you might need to sit him down on his own to explain life from your perspective since his dad passed away; that you love him and his siblings and have put all of your efforts into raising them as a single parent but that after 11 or 12 years you are naturally lonely and are enjoying the company of someone your own age who treats you well. I'm sure he will calm down soon, maybe his sister will have a word with him too.

Best of luck OP

Neyite

All of them choose who they want to date, do they not?

Would any of them stop seeing someone because you asked them to? Or is sacrafice a one-way street?

They are uncomfortable because its a family friend, presumably they liked him well enough before the relationship began? Or did they dislike him before? Its possible they are uncomfortable that you are having sex. They never had to encounter that issue before until now.

With respect, they dont get to dictate what you do with your life, any more than you get to dictate theirs. And its your home. The twins no longer live there so have no right to dictate who you invite around.

You never know, once they go and discuss it with partners/friends who tell them that they are overreacting they might calm down. Let the dust settle, talk to them, but be firm about what you want too. They are adults so need to start acting like ones.

Alf. A. Male

OP, my father died young and left my mother alone with a large family. She put in an incredible shift for us, but sacrificed chances to find someone new while doing it. I don't know how much she regrets it, but I regret it for her. My sisters also wish she had found someone new and not spent so much time alone.
I'm happy for you that you've found someone and I really hope it works out for the two of you. I think your kids may just need some time to adjust, so don't do anything rash to your new relationship, don't let you kids have a veto on who you spend your time with. They're old enough to be allowed to learn the lesson that it's your life and you can have who you want in it. You can be sure they will choose who they see and if they're working and in college, they're almost certainly already doing that without giving you the power to say no to their choices. That may be worth pointing out to them to soften their cough if they keep objecting.
They may also have genuine concerns for you and be expressing them badly, which they may express better as time passes, or their concerns may disappear as they see you enjoying your new relationship. One way or another, I think you should see it as a great chance for you and your new fella, a chance for your kids to grow up a bit and just a time of change, not a reason for a crisis. If you show gentle determination, they will eventually roll with it. Show them anything else and they won't believe in your choice and will probably persist with their objections.

Good luck and keep, eh, burning the calories

ElleEm

Merkin wrote: »

It's odd that they think it's ok that you are dating, just not with him. What reasons have they come up with as to why they don't want you seeing him specifically?

I can see why they are upset that it is someone known to them. I don't know if they knew that this man was your ex, or whether they just saw him as a family friend, but they probably have questions about whether you had feelings while their dad was still alive or wonder if anything ever happened between you. The fact that this man knew their dad, and probably comforted you while he was sick may not sit well with them. You have every right to be dating and it is great that you have found love again. They are allowed to feel how they are feeling, they probably need time to process it, and to spend time getting used to the idea of you being with someone, but you should not pander to them. Continue your new relationship at a pace YOU feel comfortable with. Let them have a cooling off period, but keep the relationship in their minds when you are talking to them by letting your new partner's name slip in every now and then, ("I am just home from lunch with John", "John loves that TV show too", etc.). You shouldn't have to hide something that makes you happy.

username123

Oh my god you poor thing.

I think you have to be clear with them, this relationship is happening, regardless of how they feel about it.

I wouldnt be asking your partner not to come to things to placate the twins - he is not the one with the problem, they are.

Just be firm about it, this is how it is and thats that. Would they rather see you old and lonely and waiting for the odd time they can visit? They are being very very selfish. I agree that perhaps after they go and discuss it with friends they may change their opinions. Or maybe you should show them this thread?

hoodwinked

op, you say all this happened over easter,

i think your children just feel like this was out of the blue, i can understand them not wanting to have a barbecue after getting what was to them a bomb shell,

you say the youngest who lives with you found out weeks ago and is fine about it,he probably suspected anyway given he's there at home with you and thus had time to get used to it, give the older two time to get their heads around it,


trying to force the matter will just create more problems, as will ignoring the matter, you need to find the in-between zone where you can sit down the three of you (without him) and discuss things honestly like adults, maybe get to the bottom of why they feel like they do,is it the relationship? or is it him?

just remember you will be a bit biased in favour of him, so if they put forward any negatives about him try to listen to them and their fears, and don't tell them they are wrong, sometimes those who love us see more then we do especially when we are blinded by love in the honeymoon phase as you put it. if he is a good man eventually they will see your happiness is paramount here, and accept him.


you just need to give them time and space, at the same time if they are being wholly unreasonable after a reasonable time frame, then i would suggest you continue your relationship and leave them to their lives.

SpaceTime

I think you'll just have to 'tough it out'.

To be perfectly honest, they'll just have to get over it.

They're 21 and to put it into a different context how how would they feel if you threw a strop about their choices of bf or gf.

I think the best thing is to simply ignore it and they'll get used to the idea.

They also don't have to like your partner, just be grown up and civil about it.

Colser

I agree with SpaceTime OP...I think if you sit them down again to discuss it it will work against you.They are adults and while it probably came as a shock and their reactions were upsetting for you there is no need to justify it to them.
Give them time to get used to it but stand firm ..you deserve a life too and you have obviously done a great job rearing your family but now its your time to have some fun:). Dont let them rain on your parade as you are doing nothing wrong.

FactCheck

hoodwinked wrote: »

op, you say all this happened over easter,

i think your children just feel like this was out of the blue, i can understand them not wanting to have a barbecue after getting what was to them a bomb shell,

This exactly.

Just give them a bit of time. They'll get their heads around it. It'll be grand.

Tramps Like Us

Its hard to comment fully given the information you have given us.

The bare facts are that this is someone you went out with before you got with their father. Its also someone who hung around for years. Its natural that they are uncomfortable with this circumstances, compared to you dating for instance someone completely new.

For instance your sons train of thought may be that this guy is a creep who has been biding his time acting friendly etc all the while with ulterior motives and this is all very disrespectful to his deceased father. He may also be wondering, unconsciously or otherwise, if this means that this man meant more to you than he previously thought especially as he has long been a family friend. Has mum gone back to her "one true love", where these feelings going on while dad was alive, is this why they kept in contact, does mum wish she had have stayed with him and not married dad, is this why she wasn't open about it from the start and was carrying on with him in secret etc etc etc

Its complicated and your kids are young. Getting involved with someone you were in a relationship with before their father, and was a "family friend" for years seems to me to be a bit of a bad idea, one which will inevitably be difficult for your kids compared to someone "new".

If you want to peruse the relationship obviously you need to talk to them, and maybe try to placate the fears and uncomfortable thoughts I mentioned above. But tbh I would not expect them to ever "like" him.

Goat the dote

I agree with space time.
You've spent 11 years of your life devoted to them. All but one have flown the nest. They'll have their own relationships to keep them warm at night without a thought for you (I don't mean to sound callous but they're not going to not be with anyone just because you're alone iykwim?) so you should follow your own happiness.

myshirt

jellyboy wrote: »

Hi op

this is my way of describing my answer to your post

you have been saving(love) for the last ten years for a beautiful shiny red car ,full of shiny buttons and its a convertible (partner)

every second of every minute of every hour you have saved for this car..
you have three amazing bank managers(kids) who encourage you to save save save more and more ..as they grow and nourish on the interest from that extra lodgment in there lives..

then you see that shiny red sports car (partner) and you want to make that withdrawal..
but the bank managers are resisting,telling you that you will lose and be penalized for an early withdrawal ,they will use every trick in the book to make that extra lodgment stay…playing on the heart strings ,bringing up past bad investments ,anything and everything they can use to make that lodgment stay in there bank of love …


make that withdrawal ,no matter how painful it is for you ,invest in that shiny sports car and drive off into the sunset …



bank managers know nothing of the real world ,they only live in their world
but as they mature into wise people and live there own experiences..
they begin to understand ,that love is all we have ..
and that bank of love lives in all of our hearts …
the fear we feel as we make a withdrawal ,is love growing deeper and deeper into our lives

This post is confusing... are you suggesting the op use the withdrawal method is it? A bit off topic?

OP - Personally, I think it is quite selfish to go on and have a second relationship, but there are worse things going on in this world. You appear to have raised good responsible kids, and that is a great achievement, having faced the loss of a husband and the balance of challenges that life throws at you as a result.

For your oldest son, I seen the exact same thing with my wife's sister when they lost their mother quite young. It is almost Freudian. She became very attached to her father, and assumed the 'mammy role' in the household. The bond to a surviving parent is very deep. Bringing a new person into your house/life is the equivalent to that child as to you if your husband say brought a new woman home just one afternoon and commanded to you to make them tea, get out of their way, used your bed etc and looked at you very, very strange if you had a problem, but all the same 100% genuinely not knowing why, despite it being obvious to everyone else that it is not right.

In other words, you have to look at this from the kids perspective. No matter how old they are, they are your kids. They come first. It is quite selfish to go off with someone new, but that is for your own conscience, and ultimately the children will have to deal with it. I would just say, that where the option is available, you should not do it. Stick to yourself and your kids. Your husband has died, and that is unfortunate, but you sound like you have done a great job up to this blunder.

Neyite

myshirt wrote: »

In other words, you have to look at this from the kids perspective. No matter how old they are, they are your kids. They come first. It is quite selfish to go off with someone new, but that is for your own conscience, and ultimately the children will have to deal with it. I would just say, that where the option is available, you should not do it. Stick to yourself and your kids. Your husband has died, and that is unfortunate, but you sound like you have done a great job up to this blunder.

Eh?

So once we have kids, we cease to be our own persons, forever, and have to pander to their every whim no matter what age they are? That her adult children should be her priority until she dies? We dont get a second chance at love, companionship and intimacy even if our husband died over a decade ago?

MissFlitworth

My Mam is on her own & I would kill, actually kill, for her to be in a relationship or close companionship with someone. I wouldn't worry so much about her being lonely or being by herself if she was.

Give your kids some time OP, my Mam actually did meet someone when I was 21 and, to my shame, myself and my siblings were kinda not great about it at first. We were, to be frank, little brats. It took some time to get used to someone fancying my mam (sorry mam!). We got there though and even though the relationship didn't work out in the end it was great, once I swallowed my bottle of cop on, to see her happy and not having to be the sole strong person anymore because she had another adult to talk through things that were worrying her and to go and do fun stuff with.

Alf. A. Male

myshirt wrote: »

OP - Personally, I think it is quite selfish to go on and have a second relationship,

This is absolute drivel and I really hope the OP ignores it.

myshirt

Neyite wrote: »

Eh?

So once we have kids, we cease to be our own persons, forever, and have to pander to their every whim no matter what age they are? That her adult children should be her priority until she dies? We dont get a second chance at love, companionship and intimacy even if our husband died over a decade ago?

Yes. I am wholeheartedly of that view.

The issue is perspective also. The op can find meaning and purpose elsewhere in her life and this world to resolve those challenges; she doesn't have to be hopping into bed like that and upsetting her kids.

RossFixxxed

I agree with the posts, especially about how it must have struck them, and how they could be thinking.

But they are 21 year old adults. There's a time to grow up and it has already past. Do your thing in your own way and let them adjust. You have reared them, sacrificed, and you all have suffered. Everyone in this is an adult so they really need to get on with THEIR lives.

Let the shock settle down, don't drag up the conversation if it isn't necessary and LIVE YOUR LIFE. You know how fleeting it is, and how wrong it can go. Loving again is painfully difficult (I know first hand) and time will not stop for any of us. It's an awkward situation, but don't let their ridiculous childish behaviour hold your life back.

I know that's blunt, but you know why I'm being blunt too I hope.

The op can find meaning and purpose elsewhere in her life and this world to resolve those challenges; she doesn't have to be hopping into bed like that and upsetting her kids.

Sorry if I'm dumb, but this is sarcasm right? Nobody can possibly think this way surely. They are grown adults, and she has a right to fall in love and have fun with her life. The prudish attitude here died about 100 years ago. God.

Obliq

myshirt wrote: »

Yes. I am wholeheartedly of that view.

The issue is perspective also. The op can find meaning and purpose elsewhere in her life and this world to resolve those challenges; she doesn't have to be hopping into bed like that and upsetting her kids.

Gosh, that's odd. "Hopping into bed like that"??? Like what? Like a person who hasn't been ready for love and affection for 10 years after their partner dies, and then allows themselves some personal happiness? I have to say, your's are definitely the strangest views I've ever seen up here in PI.

RossFixxxed

Obliq wrote: »

I have to say, your's are definitely the strangest views I've ever seen up here in PI.

They are also the most selfish, backwards, blinkered view I've seen in years. I'm gobsmacked by this. How can one person be so entitled or have no life experience whatsoever.

I hope this... person.. never finds themself in this situation. People in glass houses firing stones around help nobody. This is a delicate situation and wading in with one of the single stupidest posts I've ever seen on Boards doesn't help anyone.

EDIT: No parent should do anything at all ever. They should sit in the dark until their children return home, because they MIGHT get upset.

SOMEBODY PLEASE THINK OF THE CHILDREN.

ash23

Op I have no real advice in terms of how to handle it other than to say give them time and don't let them dictate to you who you date. If he is a decent man and their concerns are not founded, then you need to stand firm in your choices.

I am a single parent, through separation and I have had serious relationships which my daughter has been fine with.

I think maybe it was all too much too soon for your twins. With my daughter, when things were getting serious with someone, I'd start off slowly. I'd just tell her I was going on a date and answer any questions she had. I'd drop his name into conversation and carry on like that until it got to a point where she asked to meet him. She's only met two men I've been with and she's gotten on well with both.

You have nothing to feel bad about by the way. We don't cease to be who we are just because we have children. We are entitled to have a loving relationship as much as anyone else. Obviously the children have to be considered but once it's handled delicately then there shouldn't be any problems long term.

username123

myshirt wrote: »

In other words, you have to look at this from the kids perspective. No matter how old they are, they are your kids. They come first. It is quite selfish to go off with someone new, but that is for your own conscience, and ultimately the children will have to deal with it. I would just say, that where the option is available, you should not do it. Stick to yourself and your kids. Your husband has died, and that is unfortunate, but you sound like you have done a great job up to this blunder.

Op - totally ignore this warped probably religious based drivel.

DeltaWhite

myshirt wrote: »

Yes. I am wholeheartedly of that view.

The issue is perspective also. The op can find meaning and purpose elsewhere in her life and this world to resolve those challenges; she doesn't have to be hopping into bed like that and upsetting her kids.

Jeez....


Moving swiftly on! OP - your kids are 21, not 12.. they need to grow up a little. Please dont get too hung up on their reaction OP, I really think you need and deserve this bit of happiness in your life. And your kids will get over it.

And opinions like the one above are really to be taken with a pinch of salt - seriously.

I think you've put your own happiness/needs on hold for a long time now OP, for the sake of your children - fair play to you. Now though, I think you need to do what's right for YOU.

Your older kids dont even live at home? What's the big problem?? The 15 year old is happy enough so I think GO FOR IT

December2012

I think you should be sympathetic to the shock that your children have received.

They've probably only thought of you as a mother who has no need or interest in romance or sex; they were very young when they lost their Dad, just coming into their teens.

I think if you can show them how understanding you can be, then they will learn how to show you how understanding they should be.

You're four months in, they just found out.

Be patient, be calm, and introduce things gently.

And good luck - I wish you every happiness.

iguana

Merkin wrote: »

It's odd that they think it's ok that you are dating, just not with him. What reasons have they come up with as to why they don't want you seeing him specifically?

This would be the biggest issue to me that I'd want to resolve right away. What exactly is their reasoning here? Is it just that this man is your ex who was 'hanging around' all through your relationship with their father. Or is there more to it. You say he babysat them when they were younger. Are you sure that nothing happened between them while you weren't there that is the reason behind how they feel?

Taltos

myshirt - can I remind you of our charter. Keep your advice constructive and civil.
Passing judgements in the manner you have above is not welcome, as it borders on inflammatory for example "hopping into bed", further posts of this nature will not be accepted here.

Thanks
Taltos

meoklmrk91

OP seriously go for it, life is too short, 16 year old is fine with it, the 21 year olds quite frankly don't live at home and won't be affected by this, they are off living their own lives thanks to all the sacrifices that you made over the years for them,. As the child of divorced parents (I know it's not the same) it is hard to see your parents with other people, but you get over it because you want to see them happy. I really wouldn't stop what you are doing, it's making you happy and you deserve that, if I'm frank I think your children are being very selfish.

Flippyfloppy

Jeez, please ignore myshirt.

Perhaps your kids are more offended about who you are dating. They might wonder whether you two always had feelings for eachother since you broke up years ago.

They will come around and you do deserve to live your life. You were obviously very excited about telling them, hence why you organised a BBQ, was probably a bit much too soon though.

fatherted1969

myshirt wrote: »

This post is confusing... are you suggesting the op use the withdrawal method is it? A bit off topic?

OP - Personally, I think it is quite selfish to go on and have a second relationship, but there are worse things going on in this world. You appear to have raised good responsible kids, and that is a great achievement, having faced the loss of a husband and the balance of challenges that life throws at you as a result.

For your oldest son, I seen the exact same thing with my wife's sister when they lost their mother quite young. It is almost Freudian. She became very attached to her father, and assumed the 'mammy role' in the household. The bond to a surviving parent is very deep. Bringing a new person into your house/life is the equivalent to that child as to you if your husband say brought a new woman home just one afternoon and commanded to you to make them tea, get out of their way, used your bed etc and looked at you very, very strange if you had a problem, but all the same 100% genuinely not knowing why, despite it being obvious to everyone else that it is not right.

In other words, you have to look at this from the kids perspective. No matter how old they are, they are your kids. They come first. It is quite selfish to go off with someone new, but that is for your own conscience, and ultimately the children will have to deal with it. I would just say, that where the option is available, you should not do it. Stick to yourself and your kids. Your husband has died, and that is unfortunate, but you sound like you have done a great job up to this blunder.

Please ignore all of the above rubbish, your children are being incredibly selfish and i cannot see any part of your op where its any of their business. Fair play to your youngest, it seems this one is the most mature out of all your children.

My own mother married three times, father died when i was 5, remarried when i was 8, stepfather died when i was 13 remarried again when i was 17. Thank god he's still going strong, while she had a lot of sadness on her life at no point ever was she questioned over wanting another relationship. It would have been shot down very quickly if anyone dared to ask.

And no i'm not the eldest far from it in fact (middle child of 12) and i'm not laying down the law, everyone of us is very happy that she has found happiness again.

Maybe we're just in the minority that we're happy with her relationship but its actually not your children's business what you do. Fair play to you for thinking of them but DO NOT let them dictate your life to you. You may not meet someone like this person again and he may not be happy to be pushed aside until your children accept that your an adult with your whole life still ahead of you.

This sort of thing makes my blood boil, best of luck op

Taltos

Can I remind everyone else that all opinions are welcome, please limit your criticism to posts not the poster.

Thanks
Taltos

Sound Bite

Congratulations on your new relationship. Everyone deserves to be happy.

Perhaps you should sit down with your children, tell them that you're very disappointed with their reactions, that you thought they'd be happy for you and you'll like to understand their concerns.

It's probably just an overreaction that they will regret once they get used to it.

LegacyUser

I am going to be honest here your 16 year old sounds more mature than the 21 year old's.
At this stage of there lives both of the 21 year old should be moving on with there own lives. In effect they are not happy that you are moving on with your life and after 12 years of putting your children first you are entitled to do this.
I would not feel bad that you have meet someone who makes you happy.
You need to remember that you are entitled to your own life and your 16 year old will leave home in the next few years.

In regards to your son I would tell him that it is time for him to grow up. Tell him that you are not going to put up with tantrums from him over this.
I would then say to him that you are entitled to your own life and that you are going out with this man weather he likes this or not.

Don't let your immature son stop you from having a life now. You have had a lot to deal with over the past 15 years plus and you are entitled to a life now.

Eeden

I think you have done more than enough for your children, in terms of denying yourself. I have been in a vaguely similar situation, having been separated for coming up to six years, and though their dad has been in another relationship for 3 years or so, and they totally accept it, I've not felt that I could do the same. To be honest, I've also not had the time or inclination, because the kids have lived with me and it would be just too much hard work. My kids are similar ages to your kids, and now the older ones are moving on and out as well.

I still can't be arsed about a relationship and can't see myself ever bothering again, but if I did, at this stage, I feel it would by my business only (apart from taking into account practicalities for my youngest, who still lives with me full time).

You may feel the need to sit the older ones down and explain to them that you are an adult with your own life; or you may feel that you just need to get on with things (as they will with their own lives). Whatever happens, you need to treat yourself well and remember that your older children are going to move on with their lives and can't expect you to put your life on hold to suit them. And try to be happy if you can. In the end, that will make your children happy too.

seamus

I think without knowing exactly why the two older ones have a problem, you're going to be dancing around the issue for a long time. Perhaps it's because the man is a close family friend they see him more as an uncle figure and it's just plain weird to see you together.

For the most part children also tend to think of their parents as asexual. There was an hilarious thread here on PI a few years back. A guy in his late teens had been speaking to his mother and she'd been quite frank and forthright about sex and her need for alone time with her husband, etc. The guy lost the plot, told her she was disgusting and needed to cop on, that people in their 40s don't have sex, and then stormed out and refused to talk to her. He was posting on PI looking for support in his view and got rightly lambasted for it.
So perhaps your eldest two are somewhat shocked to be confronted by the concept that you're a normal human being.

Being older, they also remember their father much more clearly and may feel that your moving on is disrespectful to his memory.

Ultimately no matter what their reason they will just need to get over it, but like I say you need to know what their problem is and encourage them to talk to you as adults.

LegacyUser

First off I want to thank everyone for your replies. It’s really been overwhelming the response.

I would have replied sooner but I didn't get a chance with work. Anyway thank you. I might reply to some posts specifically after this but I'll just give a general response first.

Also I find it interesting that people have presumed I'm female. I suppose I didn't say anything about my gender or sexuality in the post as I didn't think about it and didn't see any relevance in my mind. I don't think this is an lgbt problem since why I posed it here as I thought people would have more to say on it here.

However I do wonder would peoples responses have been different If I made that I was male clearer in the post. Also I’m sure that reply that was basically someone slut shaming me probably wouldn’t have happened because god forbid a woman do something other than cook and clean and look after her children. I work for a human rights group that focuses on gender and/or sexuality equality so I just rolled my eyes when I read that post. I’m quite liberal and a critical thinker so I didn’t take what they said on board but I really appreciate and I’m glad to see every stood up and said nice, supportive things.

Also you’ve got me thinking that’s for sure. I thought the problem might have been that they felt I was replacing their father. That I would have to clarify with them that he's not your evil step father and just my boyfriend, but not that the problem might actually be with him and the fact that they have know him since they've known me really and the fact he’s old friends with me and their father. I’ve been so focused on them and how they feel that I didn’t think that the fact my relationship with him might be the problem and not something that they are going through. I doubt something happened between them like one person said but the whole uncle thing like another person said might be it.

Another theory is I thought maybe that they reacted more negatively because they remember their father better. Though my youngest remembers him he was still five when he past. However either way I think my 16 year old is more concerned about his video games then my love life. He is naturally very quite so he might just not be saying anything. Or I'm over thinking it. He's also the only one that doesn't remember being fostered before me and my husband got them. So I've been wondering does that have something to do with it. I thought that last night.

The twins were in 3 different foster homes before us. When they were babies they were even separated. Then when they finally settled with us it wasn't long that long really before my husband got sick. So things changed again for them. Basically just me not being just their single father anymore might be why they met the change aggressively.

Also To clarify, though we are exes we were never that serious. We were together in our early/mid 20's for almost six months. At the time we were both in the closet so it didn't work out. Yes we have stayed friends but on my side I genuinely didn't harbour any romantic feelings for him. He's had a number of relationships, long and short since so and though I can't speak for him I don't think he's been harbouring anything either. We mentioned it very briefly a couple of months ago and we both think the ex thing is more of a coincidence then anything else.

It might be different in the straight community but the gay scene can be quite in search for a better term ‘incestuous’ at times and I'm sure it was worse when I was actually on the scene all those many, many... many years ago. D (I shall refer to him as that as not to give away his name) and my husband kissed once and that was before I even met my husband. I never thought that was weird. A funny coincidence yes, but not weird. We all go to the same couple of bars which there was much less of when I was younger and there’s still only four really in all of Dublin. Also the community is so small. I know lots of people still friends with ex's. And lots of friend groups where a lot of them have had relationships with each other at some point.

An update on the situation though is my daughter has apologised for crying. It came out of nowhere and I was grateful. D has family wedding coming up so I was going to go clothes shopping with him on Friday but she offered to still come and help like she was going to before I told them. However she still feels I should have told her sooner. And that’s what she’s concerned about. It was a quick conversation. Her work phone rang and she dropped it.

Otherwise we’ve basically been ignoring the elephant in the room. I think the next step is to talk to the kids again. And not to corner them but maybe over dinner tonight and ask what they really think. Because all we’re doing here is speculating.

I also think I should talk to D and get his perspective on this. I probably should be talking to the people involved rather than venting on the internet. But this is actually helping.

I think time might be the best solution here though. To be fair this is an awkward situation and though I didn’t walk up to my kids and say ‘I’m having sex with D and its great,’ it still kind of feels that way so it’s odd and uncomfortable. Though once again i’m speculating. They might not of thought that at all. Also none of my kids have had a boyfriend or girlfriends so this is an issue that have never came up. We did talk about sex in an formal contraceptive, reproductive, consent and STD point of view when they were younger and curious but that was still horrendously awkward.

Anyway to sum it all up. Life is complicated.

hoodwinked

Mark Medovich wrote: »

An update on the situation though is my daughter has apologised for crying. It came out of nowhere and I was grateful. D has family wedding coming up so I was going to go clothes shopping with him on Friday but she offered to still come and help like she was going to before I told them. However she still feels I should have told her sooner. And that’s what she’s concerned about. It was a quick conversation. Her work phone rang and she dropped it.

Otherwise we’ve basically been ignoring the elephant in the room. I think the next step is to talk to the kids again. And not to corner them but maybe over dinner tonight and ask what they really think. Because all we’re doing here is speculating.

going back to what i said earlier i agree, talking to them and not cornering them is probably the best idea here,
you need to talk to them now they have had some time to process it, it should be easier, you said your daughter has apologised, which pushes me further to believe it was just the fact the whole lot was thrown at them too much too soon, they just needed some time,

im sure the other twin will come around too in their own time, just keep being a supportive parent and don't force the issue (or force them to spend time together) keep the communication going and it should all be ok.

username123

Mark Medovich wrote: »

Also I’m sure that reply that was basically someone slut shaming me probably wouldn’t have happened because god forbid a woman do something other than cook and clean and look after her children. I work for a human rights group that focuses on gender and/or sexuality equality so I just rolled my eyes when I read that post.

Said poster will probably choke on the holy water given what youve just posted

Mark Medovich wrote: »

I think time might be the best solution here though. To be fair this is an awkward situation and though I didn’t walk up to my kids and say ‘I’m having sex with D and its great,’ it still kind of feels that way so it’s odd and uncomfortable.

I think the oddest thing is that for the kids, youve not been in another relationship, at all, since your husband died. So they see you as non relationship material. Its just a shock to find that you are actually a sexual being.

However, while I agree that time will be the solution, in your shoes, Id be firm about things upfront. Start as you mean to go on. Dont be cancelling your partner coming to things in case it upsets the kids type of thing. Not to be forcing them to spend time together either, but its a good idea for casual interaction, meeting in passing, non formal events etc to happen from early on so they can see that this is something serious for you.

Im surprised to hear none of the kids has had boyfriends/girlfriends - they may have and just kept it quiet (I know I used to keep dating very private and away from my parents in case they embarrassed me!) - but if they genuinely havent, then that may well be another reason they are a bit at sea about it all.

sopretty

Am I confused or did you refer to your partner as your husband in your OP, but you're homosexual and you live in Ireland?

LegacyUser

sopretty wrote: »

Am I confused or did you refer to your partner as your husband in your OP, but you're homosexual and you live in Ireland?

Yes, unfortunately we we never legally married. And civil partnership didn't exist when we were together either. We did have a type of commitment ceremony thing with some of our friends and close family on our anniversary once. But it was a pretty low key affair.

But I don't really think any of that matters. We referred to ourselves as husbands all the time. When I wrote my posts I didn't even think about it honestly.

I have an acquaintance who even calls his husband his wife! Though that isn't common but I'm pretty sure there is lots of LGBT couples out there, all over the world who refer to each other as wife's and Husbands.

We probably would have availed of equal marriage opportunities if it was a possible in the 90's/00's. Though just because we we'rent legal doesn't undermine our relationship. Or the fact we decided to have kids.

Tramps Like Us

sopretty wrote: »

Am I confused or did you refer to your partner as your husband in your OP, but you're homosexual and you live in Ireland?

And a male homosexual couple fostered/adopted kids twenty years ago?

sopretty

Tramps Like Us wrote: »

And a male homosexual couple fostered/adopted kids twenty years ago?

I was leading up to that question myself once I had established the 'facts according to OP' :pac:

Why do people make stories up?

LegacyUser

Tramps Like Us wrote: »

And a male homosexual couple fostered/adopted kids twenty years ago?

Yes, it happens. I didn't think i'd have to defend myself (in search for a better expression) but I guess I've been in my own world for too long. I kind of feel this is a little personal and irrelevant but let me explain.

When we got my youngest we started the the adoption process with him in 1999. We kind of knew a foster mother through friends of my family. She was aware that we wanted a child so she help me get into the system.

After that in 2000 we decided to foster as well and I didn't get the twins until they were 7. You might think it was quick after our first child but it was just one of those stars aligning things. We were planning to do it with regularly for shorter terms but it just worked out the way it worked out. He was a youth worker and I work for NGO's so I was something we were considering to do for a good while.

We also know people, not many true but people who fostered and adopted before us and who went the surrogacy route. Mostly from the UK to be fair or female here. We looked for people who had done it for support and advice at the time. So its happening and it has been for a long time.

As far as I'm aware you still can't adopt or foster jointly. Though I think they are working on changing that in the future. So Anyway we did it through single parent fostering like many couples. Under my name luckily. As I've no idea what would have happened to the kids if we did it though his.

Taltos

Let's try this again - if you have an issue with a poster/post please report it.
Insulting someone, insinuating they are trolling etc are all not acceptable. We have just issued an infraction for this, despite all of the warnings on this thread, continued rule violations will now result in a ban.

Thanks
Taltos

December2012

Hi OP,

Apologies, I did assume you were female.

Given that your children did not come to you by the "traditional" route I wonder then is your twin son perhaps more affected by change?

I'm glad your daughter came around, it's nice that she wants to be accepting. She was probably in shock, maybe your son is too?

I wonder also does he have exams or something like that around now that maybe means he is a bit overwhelmed and isn't the most receptive at the minute?

With a bit more time, patience and calmness hopefully he'll come around, particularly when he sees how your other children have reacted.

Paddy Cow

Hi OP. I think you would be best giving your son some more time to get used to the situation. Sometimes over talking a situation makes it into something bigger. Time and space give perspective, which is what your son needs.

A lot of posters are calling the twins selfish and while their initial reaction might come across like that, as you learned with your daughter, they are not truly selfish and just need to get used to the idea. You have been their only parent for so long and another person coming into the equation completely changes this dynamic and will stir up a lot of feelings that need to settle.

It's natural for them to feel overwhelmed and maybe even act out. Your daughter is coming around and your son will too. If it was a year down the line and your son still wouldn't accept it, then I would say he is being selfish. You sound very aware of the situation and I'm sure you'll find a way to work through it.

Good luck and I wish you all the best

Obliq

Mark Medovich wrote: »

It might be different in the straight community but the gay scene can be quite in search for a better term ‘incestuous’ at times and I'm sure it was worse when I was actually on the scene all those many, many... many years ago. D (I shall refer to him as that as not to give away his name) and my husband kissed once and that was before I even met my husband. I never thought that was weird. A funny coincidence yes, but not weird. We all go to the same couple of bars which there was much less of when I was younger and there’s still only four really in all of Dublin. Also the community is so small. I know lots of people still friends with ex's. And lots of friend groups where a lot of them have had relationships with each other at some point.

Glad I answered yesterday in "gender neutral" now I think you're on the right track OP, as regards your kids, and presumably, your daughter's reaction and her subsequent apology and clarification will have some bearing on how her twin is going to take things too (hopefully). I've highlighted this part of your post just to reassure you that your community is NO worse than small-town Ireland! I've been in the shticks for 20 years, and I can safely tell you that, em...incestuous is probably the word. Small pond, not that many fish, and it's not at all weird.

This is normal, and you should rule that out as a possible stick to beat yourself with. In the next few weeks, I am going to my fella's ex's wedding, another ex will have us over for dinner to meet her new (resurrection of an old flame) fella, and his best mate (another ex) is taking my youngest off for a few hours tomorrow to do some work at her's. If I had a jealousy issue, I'd be in trouble and so would he. Don't sweat the small stuff, eh?

Semele

I think the information you've given about the twins background is significant. They've experienced an awful lot of change and loss at young ages and those things can leave very deep scars. Although it sounds like they've been very lucky to have great parents you can't underestimate how scary and threatening any sort of change may feel to them, even if they can't articulate it or understand the feelings themselves. In my opinion the best thing to do would just be to carry on as normal as much as possible- mention your boyfriend naturally but don't instigate full-on conversations about everyone's feelings, unless they choose to bring it up in their own time. If they see that your relationship with them is still the same and that there is still as much love and time in your life for them as before then that will do a lot to reduce the fear of further change and loss.

I actually think it's lovely that you've ended up with someone who knew your husband:) It means that his importance in everyone's lives, and just him as a person really, can be fully appreciated by everyone concerned, rather than if your new partner had never known him or shared memories with you both. If my parent was in your situation I think I'd feel less threatened about my father being "replaced", because he is a real person to your new partner as well rather than just an abstract idea.