Sport or Girlfriend - have to decide.

LegacyUser

Hi, I've been going out with my girlfriend for two years. I'm 22, she's 20. I love her to bits. I also play gaelic football and soccer and love that too.

There were two times this year where my matches and our social lives clashed - I had to choose playing a match over seeing her (one of those times was her brother's party). Looking back on it now, I probably could have missed those matches cause they werent too important and my priorities weren't in order. But now to my current dilema - it's her birthday on Sunday and I have two (yes, two!) important matches. I'd be finished them at 5.30pm. Obviously I'd love to spend the whole day with her as it is her birthday but unfortunatley these are two important matches and I'll be starting in both of them. I told her I'd be finished at 5.30 and i'll make it up to her and we'll make the most of the weekend and make it special. I know this is being a bit selfish but I'm trying to make ends meet and trying to do both things. She's very upset understandably and has told me if I choose my matches our relationship is over.

Am I being selfish? What should I do? I'm really torn and feel horrible.

Thanks for reading.

LegacyUser

gfdilema wrote: »

Hi, I've been going out with my girlfriend for two years. I'm 22, she's 20. I love her to bits. I also play gaelic football and soccer and love that too.

There were two times this year where my matches and our social lives clashed - I had to choose playing a match over seeing her (one of those times was her brother's party). Looking back on it now, I probably could have missed those matches cause they werent too important and my priorities weren't in order. But now to my current dilema - it's her birthday on Sunday and I have two (yes, two!) important matches. I'd be finished them at 5.30pm. Obviously I'd love to spend the whole day with her as it is her birthday but unfortunatley these are two important matches and I'll be starting in both of them. I told her I'd be finished at 5.30 and i'll make it up to her and we'll make the most of the weekend and make it special. I know this is being a bit selfish but I'm trying to make ends meet and trying to do both things. She's very upset understandably and has told me if I choose my matches our relationship is over.

Am I being selfish? What should I do? I'm really torn and feel horrible.

Thanks for reading.

Correction, my girlfriend is 19, she'll be 20 on Sunday. Sorry about that.

tinkerbell

OP, need a bit more info than what you've posted - how much does your sport take up your spare time? As in is it for most of the weekend or just parts? Is it all the time? I doubt that after only 2 occasions where it has clashed with social events and you not being available to celebrate her birthday for the entire day would be enough that she'd break up with you. To me it sounds like (a) she's a bit of a drama queen or (b) you make her feel second best to your sport all the time and the birthday is the last straw.

LegacyUser

tinkerbell wrote: »

OP, need a bit more info than what you've posted - how much does your sport take up your spare time? As in is it for most of the weekend or just parts? Is it all the time? I doubt that after only 2 occasions where it has clashed with social events and you not being available to celebrate her birthday for the entire day would be enough that she'd break up with you. To me it sounds like (a) she's a bit of a drama queen or (b) you make her feel second best to your sport all the time and the birthday is the last straw.

She isn't a drama queen, I wouldn't say. B describes her views pretty much. We see each other Friday nights Saturday and Sunday after 2 (my matches are Sunday morning so they finish at this time). I train twice a week but that doesn't clash with us...if needs be I'd miss training for her. The main issue is that we rarely get to spend a full day together (but that's just down to our work schedules) and it's the fact she's off all day Sunday.

iusedtoknow

To be frank, you seem a bit obsessive with sport. Two games on one day means you must have at least 2 training sessions in the week, on top of that time in the gym and the need to rest the night before the matches, so no going out the night before, also after the games you'll need to cool down etc, and no matter how fit you are , you'll still be sore. Not to mention...is playing 2 games even healthy? Professionals have a lighter schedule than that.
It seems like your GF may be able get an evening here or there depending on your training, matches and work/college, so isn't a priority for you.

There is nothing wrong with having outside interests, it's healthy but balance needs to come into it as well.

Addle

gfdilema wrote: »

Am I being selfish? What should I do? I'm really torn and feel horrible.

I don't think you're being selfish.
You are taking your girlfriend into consideration and still planning on dedicating time to her.
You're young, and won't always be playing and training so much.
I think it is unusual to play 2 matches in one day though!

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies!

tinkerbell - (b) is probably more accurate. she isn't a drama queen. She does feel like she has to work around my sport schedule. I work Mon-Fri, she works Fri-Sun. So, we normally see each other Friday nights, Saturday nights (sometime during the day) and Sunday evenings (she works till 2). I train twice during the week so this doesn't clash (Iusedtoknow - I dont go to the gym or do extra training. Im also a goalkeeper so 2 matches in a row isn't harmful!). If we do decide to meet up during the week, I dont mind missing training, which I have done before, particulary on Fridays. I have matches every Sunday morning at which finish at 1 so this doesnt clash with us on Sundays. Ive the odd match Saturday evening but again this rarely clashes as she works Sat 2pm to 9pm.

The main issue is that we rarely get to spend a full day together, its normally just night time. So the fact she is off all day Sunday and it's her birthday, we want to spend the day together. I get this and I'd love to spend the day, but just my luck that these two matches fall on Sunday.

Kevcol

OP I definitely do not think you're being selfish. And I don't think you're being obsessive with sport either as another poster mentioned. If you happen to enjoy these sports then there is nothing wrong with playing both.

I'm sure that your GF has interests outside of being with you the whole time. It's healthy to do things away from each other from time to time too. I'm sure you'd support her if she decided to take up a new hobby. While it's unfortunate that the two games are on the same day, it would be unfair on you to be expected to skip them after training so hard for them all year. The soccer should be over soon anyway so it could get easier from there.

It's not as if the day will be over at 5:30. There's still plenty of time to go for dinner, some drinks etc. if that's what you wanted to do. Normally you wouldn't go any earlier than this anyway.

Obviously if your girlfriend says she is getting fed up with the situation then perhaps you would need to choose one sport. However as long as you make time for her outside of training, games etc. I'm sure she'll be more than happy.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies!

9/10 I dont have two matches on the one day. Just so happens I have a quarter final at 11.45 and then a football championship match at 3.30. As much as I love my girlfriend, I just find it so hard missing a match as I've been playing all my life and have never really missed a game.

I do understand where my GF is coming from though, that i'm choosing sport ahead of her on her birthday and that we rarely have a full day together. I suppose she really does feel like i'm putting sport ahead of her the whole time. I don't think I am. Like I've no problem missing training to see her, it's just the matches that are the killer. I think going forward that i'll just have to prioritize my matches and if they aren't important i'll have to miss the odd one. That being said, it's usually not a problem cause my matches finish at 1 on a Sunday and she finishes at 2. Eugh, I dunno.

Graciefacey

Speaking as a football girlfriend, if your girlfriend loves you she will fully support you in your passion. My boyfriend played county football since minor and I spend most weekends travelling to matches supporting him, making tea and sandwiches after club games and being understanding of his commitment. Its his life and although it clashes with weddings, nights out etc it works. Suggest to her to come along and support you!

Hannibal Smith

Please please don't give up your sport. Its important to you, its good for you and its vital, in my opinion, to have your own interests especially at such a young age. If you were married with kids and missing out on family time then it might be something to consider. But not at this stage of your life.

On one hand its lovely she wants more time with you, but on the other hand she has to accept you for who you are.

Could she come to the matches with you? Do you want to give up one of your sports? Holding you to an ultimatum like that isn't fair. Its her birthday. ..you'll surely meet up with her in the evening? I don't see the problem.

LegacyUser

She is very supportive and appreciates that I love my sport and that it's important and she has never asked me to miss a game before in fairness to her.

Her issue is that when it comes to something important (like her birthday and her brother's engagement party) that im going to choose sport over her. So this is why i've been given this ultimatum.

such is life 2

Youl be finished by 5.30 whats the problem ?? are you not going to see her after that? Pure drama on her part making you choose between sport or her

LegacyUser

Some of posts didn't come through.

Yep i'll be seeing her straight after my match and were heading out afterwards with friends (though i dunno if thats going ahead now.). I'm free all week and weekend just besides my matches on Sunday.

You see I work Mon-Fri, she works Fri-Sun so our time together is limited enough. We see each other the odd time during the week but mainly Friday nights, Saturday evenings/nights and Sunday evenings. We don't get much full days together. So when we do have the chance to spend a full day to ourselves I've got a match. I do see how it's unfair and disheartening for her but it's hard to miss matches too. No winning either way it seems, though im trying to make both work.

beauty101

gfdilema wrote: »

She is very supportive and appreciates that I love my sport and that it's important and she has never asked me to miss a game before in fairness to her.

Her issue is that when it comes to something important (like her birthday and her brother's engagement party) that im going to choose sport over her. So this is why i've been given this ultimatum.

Sorry to disagree with you here OP but if she wants you to miss important matches that isn't exactly supportive, it's selfish. A compromise needs to be made from both sides if you want to stay together.

LegacyUser

Is that reasonable though - the fact that I won't ever be available when my matches are on...but outside of that i'll be available? She thinks that's unfair and selfish, that it's always my way, that our lives are surrounded by matches and that we have to schedule around them?

Hannibal Smith

gfdilema wrote: »

She is very supportive and appreciates that I love my sport and that it's important and she has never asked me to miss a game before in fairness to her.

Her issue is that when it comes to something important (like her birthday and her brother's engagement party) that im going to choose sport over her. So this is why i've been given this ultimatum.

You said yourself the brother's birthday you probably could have gone to because the match wasn't that important but this time both matches are.

So how about you talk to her and tell her this time the matches really are a big deal but going forward you'll try and prioritise if there's a big event on in the future? But this time its a non runner?

LegacyUser

Hannibal Smith wrote: »

You said yourself the brother's birthday you probably could have gone to because the match wasn't that important but this time both matches are.

So how about you talk to her and tell her this time the matches really are a big deal but going forward you'll try and prioritise if there's a big event on in the future? But this time its a non runner?

That's exactly what I said ! This will be the third time this year where I choose a match over her so I just think it's the last straw for her.

LegacyUser

Despite talking it through, I am actually still left with this ultimatum. I can't just say to my managers a day or two before the game "Hey yeah I can't make that game on Sunday" but on the other hand I certainly do not want to loose my girlfriend.

bee06

gfdilema wrote: »

Is that reasonable though - the fact that I won't ever be available when my matches are on...but outside of that i'll be available? She thinks that's unfair and selfish, that it's always my way, that our lives are surrounded by matches and that we have to schedule around them?

My fiancé plays sport and he was playing sport well before I came along so it's part of his life I accept. We've missed events because of it but that's sport.

To be honest she sounds like she wants everything her way and she's being selfish. You're being as flexible as you can but you have a commitment to your team as well as to her. You can't just pick and choose which matches to turn up for it you'll quickly find there won't be any matches at all for you because you won't be picked.

whiskeyman

Keep the sports going and enjoy it.
She's probably right to be a bit annoyed you can't spend all her birthday with you, but you understand that.
Perhaps see if you can meet up early in the morning and surprise her with flowers or something.

gfdilema

gfdilema wrote: »

She is very supportive and appreciates that I love my sport and that it's important and she has never asked me to miss a game before in fairness to her.

Her issue is that when it comes to something important (like her birthday and her brother's engagement party) that im going to choose sport over her. So this is why i've been given this ultimatum.

It's unreasonable. You're not ignoring her all day or busy all day, you're spending all the evening with her. She also shouldn't expect her brothers engagement party to be as important to you as it is to her.

This is a ridiculous ultimatum, you've done well finding a middle ground and this is quite demanding.

Hannibal Smith

gfdilema wrote: »

That's exactly what I said ! This will be the third time this year where I choose a match over her so I just think it's the last straw for her.

I can understand where she's coming from if its the third time this year its happened and said third time is her birthday then I can see how it looks like things are getting out of hand to her.

But there's nothing you can do about it now. Its a tough one...but if you miss the matches you'll be letting your team and manager down. ..if you play the matches you're not really letting your girlfriend down. Finishing at 5:30 gives you plenty of time to do something with her.

What else can you do? To be fair you seem to completely understand her point of view and that's great. You just need a chance to show her...on a non important match day

Tramps Like Us

Play the matches, you have a big commitment to your team, you can't let them down. She's being a cow about this, you have to spend all day with her? I had assumed the matches were away games or something and you wouldn't see her at all

You are young, there'll be other girls if she does break up with you (if she does she aint worth having)

I'd have to agree that any girl who considers this a make-or-break issue probably isn't someone who is used to compromise. OP is reasonable and this is only the third time in four or five months he's had a clash. The world doesn't revolve around anyones' birthday.

I think it's a bit telling about someone's nature, it's the kind of thing I run a mile from. I can't stand entitlement.

ivytwine

To be honest, does she not have a family or friends of her own she wants to see on her birthday? It sounds ideal in my opinion that she could have lunch with her family or brunch with her friends and then meet you at 5.30? Spending the day together is nice and all but if I was her I'd be happy with the way things would be working out here...

Neyite

Presumably you were sporty and had these sports in your life from before she was on the scene? She knew what she was getting into. There are a lot of guys who train weekly, who play matches which mean they don't socialise on Saturday nights. Women up and down the country accept and respect that. That their partners have a commitment to their teammates and cant be flakey and let them down.

Like I said, she knew from the start this was your passion. And that you dedicate a lot of your time to it. So why is she moving the, er, goalposts now??

What if you blow off your teams at the weekend, what then? Another occasion will arise, then another, and another. Her brothers engagement is a stupid reason - ask HIM if its ok you are not there. I'd be very surprised if he would expect you to let your teams down for his engagement party.

You have two choices here - quit the sport you love, or quit the girl you love.

osarusan

Neyite wrote: »

You have two choices here - quit the sport you love, or quit the girl you love.

I hope the choices aren't as extreme as that, and that some middle ground can be found.

If she is serious about the ultimatum she has issued, then I'd be thinking about the future of the relationship, not just because of a football match, but because ultimatums are never a good sign of a strong relationship.

As another poster mentioned, could you meet her earlier in the morning for a bit, or even the night before? Or try to organise something for her and her friends while you're playing football?

You've got something you're passionate about, and I don't think that she really has any right to deny you that (especially given the harmless nature of it).

Is she making a mountain out of a molehill here, and the 'always being second best to football' is actually based on a couple of unfortunate clashes of dates?

Time Now Please

Are you messing? will ya for God's sake take your gf out for the night, I am sure your team can do without you for one night, it's her birthday, take her out and enjoy yourselves!!! Anybody would think you are getting a wee bit fed up with her.

Neyite

osarusan wrote: »

I hope the choices aren't as extreme as that, and that some middle ground can be found.

Well, I'd like to think so, but she is the one who told him its the match or her. I don't see her compromising or even willing to. That is never a good sign in a relationship.

If he capitulates on this to save his relationship, whats to stop her pulling the same stunt again and again the next times she wants his presence on some other nights out that she deems important to her?

Mickeroo

Play your matches OP, she's being unreasonable imo.

December2012

I think she's hurt.

She's frustrated and hurt and she wants to feel and to know that you want to put her first.

She wants to be priority. And it's possible OP that you are not making her feel like she is important (even though you think you are).

I'm not suggesting you stop your matches or training but can you talk to her and make her feel important to you?

ronjo

Time Now Please wrote: »

Are you messing? will ya for God's sake take your gf out for the night, I am sure your team can do without you for one night, it's her birthday, take her out and enjoy yourselves!!! Anybody would think you are getting a wee bit fed up with her.

Did you read the OP?

He said he can be with her from 5.30 so is planning to "take her out for the night"

Op I think the fact this is stressing you does show you are considering her feelings but as has been mentioned before I dont know why she wants the entire day with you. For me, she is being selfish.

LegacyUser

OP, play your football matches. You'll be long enough unable to play, enjoy your youth while you still have it. Your GF is being precious and selfish. What does she expect you to do while with her? Does she think you will give up your place in the teams and act jolly for the day?

There's enough time in the day to please everyone. See her in the morning and bring her out for dinner. If that's not enough tell her good bye.

I thought this was going to be a thread about guys who take off for whole weekends every weekend and spend the week in the gym or something. But this sounds like it's only the second time and you'll be done after 530 and going straight to her. In which case I think she's being unreasonable

jimd2

Is there any way that you can meet her tonight after her work and give her her present then, make a fuss etc?

Then play the games as it is important that you meet your committments. I remember giving up on several occasions for sport when younger.

Meet and go out for a meal in the evening time. Not an issue to me, I actually think that it is healthy for people to have their own lives and I never was one for all day dates at weekends.

Necro

I feel your pain OP! I have a young family and it's a struggle to please everyone all the time. Thankfully, my wife knew exactly what she was signing up to when she married me, and even before! That doesn't mean it still doesn't pose problems at times. I do think your girlfriend is being unreasonable however, three times in almost 5 months is very low considering your schedules!

Addle

Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live.

Oscar Wilde

LegacyUser

December2012 wrote: »

I think she's hurt.

She's frustrated and hurt and she wants to feel and to know that you want to put her first.

She wants to be priority. And it's possible OP that you are not making her feel like she is important (even though you think you are).

I'm not suggesting you stop your matches or training but can you talk to her and make her feel important to you?

You are 100% correct!!

After a long fight yesterday, we met up this morning and talked it through. It was the fact I wasn't making her feel like she is important (not just when it comes to sport, just in general, so this was essentially the last straw and she reached boilling point). She said she was never actually gonna make me miss the matches....the ultimatum was a test....she just wanted me to say that she was my first prioirity and that I should be more considerate when chooisng matches over her, that I was taking her for granted. Was it a bit of drama on her part? Yes, perhaps. But, I can also see what she means and I have been a bit lax with our relationship lately so we needed to have this talk.

So...I still remain in the bad books, but everything seems good for now . I just better make it up to her tomorrow :P!

Again, thanks so much everyone for the help and replies! It was really interesting to see how other people's relationships deal with sport .

Tramps Like Us

A test? ffs I wouldn't stand for those kind of games... this is a bad sign mate, she'll have your head wrecked

bmwguy

Before I read your last reply I was going to post that its a test. I've been there before, I gave in. Stopped playing my sport like an idiot and was just at home doing nothing. Guess what, she thought she could just throw a strop and get her way after that. She had won. That relationship is over (I ended it) and I went back to sport and hobbies. Current GF doesnt do it, and if she does I won't give in. You shouldnt either. Do what you love, she will respect you more for it than just caving like I did.

Jonny Blaze

bmwguy wrote: »

Before I read your last reply I was going to post that its a test. I've been there before, I gave in. Stopped playing my sport like an idiot and was just at home doing nothing. Guess what, she thought she could just throw a strop and get her way after that. She had won. That relationship is over (I ended it) and I went back to sport and hobbies. Current GF doesnt do it, and if she does I won't give in. You shouldnt either. Do what you love, she will respect you more for it than just caving like I did.

So true, same happened to me. I gave in once (first girlfriend, go figure!) and she pretty much owned me then.

Wasn't long before I resented her and the wheels came off the whole thing.

OP you sound like a decent chap, obviously taking her feelings and expectations into account as well as working and living a clean life.

I would honestly be rethinking this whole situation if I were you and looking for the escape hatch.

Demands, tests and power plays are something you shouldn't have to face from your partner, ever.

jobless

a test?... big warning sign mate....
never give up a sport you love, as said before you'll regret it and you will come to resent her for it....
you are not being unreasonable at all.... you are young and will have plenty of time in the future where you wont be playing sport as seriously...

wirelessdude01

Jaysus, you will be long enough retired and probably getting fat. She won't be long giving out then about the weight creeping on. Enjoy your sport. It was part of your life before you were with her. Bet she wouldn't be giving out if she was going out with an All-Ireland winning All-Star. She needs to have a look at herself ad the stress she is putting on you. There is a birthday every year but believe me good championship runs don't happen every year for most teams.

Chucky the tree

gfdilema wrote: »

You are 100% correct!!

After a long fight yesterday, we met up this morning and talked it through. It was the fact I wasn't making her feel like she is important (not just when it comes to sport, just in general, so this was essentially the last straw and she reached boilling point). She said she was never actually gonna make me miss the matches....the ultimatum was a test....she just wanted me to say that she was my first prioirity and that I should be more considerate when chooisng matches over her, that I was taking her for granted. Was it a bit of drama on her part? Yes, perhaps. But, I can also see what she means and I have been a bit lax with our relationship lately so we needed to have this talk.

So...I still remain in the bad books, but everything seems good for now . I just better make it up to her tomorrow :P!

Again, thanks so much everyone for the help and replies! It was really interesting to see how other people's relationships deal with sport .

Ultimatiums and tests. She really sounds far to immature to be having a relationship.