Very confused

Penny Tration

If my ex were ringing me up to 40 times in an evening, and ringing repeatedly until I answer, I'd be going to the police and having her charged with harassment. No wonder your girlfriend is fuming over it.

stickybookmark

lady 2013 wrote: »

At this stage I would do the following

1) Tell your ex that she has to stop ringing you until she speaks to you and that you only want her to contact you in the case of emergancy ie your daughter is in hospital, gets in trouble in school or if she needs to change the day you see her due to personal reasons.
I would also say that your daughter can ring you any time she wants.

2) Let your girlfriend know that you have done this but for you it is important that your daughter can ring you when she wants. I would also say to her that some times you want to spend more time with your daughter than a courted appointed time but you will chat to her about this going forward.

The above advice is pretty spot on.

CIV wrote: »

2) The ex would normally ring about various matters, ranging from large scale arguments over money, holidays, visitation, etc, through to petty matters like my daughter not eating her lunch, or being a typical 14 year old. (Even though it is generally very amicable over the last number of years, it can also be very bitter and acrimonious). When she is annoyed, or looking for a fight, I may get up to 40 calls in an evening (4-5 hours. The record, I think, is 45, but not for the last year or so). Occasionally, the calls might deals with matters of finance, law, or general business (which is where I work on a day-to-day basis), but they are infrequent, and normally do not result in multiple calls.

I understand where the GF is coming from with relation to the calls, and I have tried to put a reasonable halt to them, but to no real avail when the ex is annoyed/on the war path. For example, I have asked her (ex) to limit herself to one call every second day to discuss routine matters, if I don't have my daughter

I think this happens frequently enough in these situations (gazillions of irate phone calls etc) but what's out of the ordinary here is that you didn't nip these phone calls in the bud. It's amazing you've left them go on for so long.

It's like your ex never severed the cord with you after ye broke up. You are still her main sounding board, her 'go-to' person. She never replaced you with other more appropriate supports like her mother, her sister, her new partner, another friend who is a parent? And you facilitated this.

I wonder in some way do you actually feed off this contact with your ex? I know you said that there's nothing whatsoever physical or romantic between ye but is there still an emotional connection there?
I know you probably did it because you thought it was in the best interests of your daughter, but your daughter is nearly reared now - she's 14 and has her own phone. There's no need for this contact with your ex to continue (and in my opinion there was never a need for it as my boyfriend and his ex manage to co-parent 2 kids without this!).

Although there will of course be a reaction to you putting a stop to this unhealthy dependence as said in post above, there's also consquences of letting it continue, namely you could lose your longterm partner. That's also fairly serious like.

Your ex's extreme phone calling etc might be shocking but not totally uncommon in these situations I'd wager. In fact it apparently comes up so often as an issue that the courts even feel the need to put a reference to phone contact into the access order (I'm reading this from the front of my boyf's one)
' CURRENT CONTACT TELEPHONE NUMBERS TO BE EXCHANGED - KEPT CURRENT - TO BE USED ONLY FOR ACCESS MATTERS AND KEPT SWITCHED ON 24 HOURS PRIOR AND DURING ALL ACCESS'
and that's not from the bespoke part of the access order that was agreed between the 2 parties, that's from the standard first page of the access order that everybody gets.

Idle Passerby

Hmmm... So you want a marriage and kids with your long term girlfriend, while after nearly 10 years she has no interest in either and you still don't even live together.

It sounds like she resents your daughter (and possibly the on-going contact with the ex that entails.) How could you possibly have a marriage or a life with someone who is unwilling to accept and encourage your relationship with your own child? How would you even share a home with someone who dislikes your daughter visiting? I don't know what age your daughter is but she will eventually pick up on your girlfriends attitude towards her if she hasn't already.

You're girlfriend wants a man with no kids, who wants no kids. And you on the other hand want all the things your girlfriend blatantly does not want. How is that actually going to work out?

Sleepless and Manic

The OP has an ongoing relationship with his Ex, and the Ex is actively pushing the GF out of the picture. The Ex is probably bad mouthing her to the daughter at every opportunity. Sad but it happens. No wonder the relationship the GF had with the daughter has slowly broken down.

If the GF has any sense she'd be out of there.

Sorry to be cynical about it.

LegacyUser

Sleepless and Manic wrote: »

The OP has an ongoing relationship with his Ex, and the Ex is actively pushing the GF out of the picture. The Ex is probably bad mouthing her to the daughter at every opportunity. Sad but it happens. No wonder the relationship the GF had with the daughter has slowly broken down.

The OP has made a number of negative comments about the ex, and she has been bang out of order on some points but at no point did he imply she was bad mouthing his GF to his daughter. When talking about the lack of relationship between he first blames the fact that they no longer live together due to the commute but then clearly states:

"I have tried to organise things with them both, such as shopping trips, activities with my GF's nieces and nephews (a slight bit younger, but not much), etc. but the GF is not really interested. I also get the impression that she finds children, in general, to be moany and whiney. She wouldn't have been a child person before she met me, and didn't ever really want children."

The OP has said a number of times his GF is not a child person and has no interest in children of her own or children around not just his kid but her own nieces and nephews. As said a number of times she does not need to be best friends with the daughter but the fact that after a decade she has no relationship at all with her BF's child is frankly odd. It just isn't possible to date someone with children and not have some involvement. He needs to take lady 2013 advice and have a frank conversation with his ex about their communication and then he needs to have a frank conversation with his OH and say he's made changes to how he deals with his ex but she needs to meet him half away and accept his daughter as part of his life. Of all the people involved here the daughter is the one who shouldn't have to suffer, she's done nothing wrong and shouldn't have access to her father controlled by either her mother or her fathers GF to be honest.

dark crystal

Sleepless and Manic wrote: »

The OP has an ongoing relationship with his Ex,

Yes, she's the mother of his child. That relationship will always be ongoing to some extent.

and the Ex is actively pushing the GF out of the picture. The Ex is probably bad mouthing her to the daughter at every opportunity. Sad but it happens. No wonder the relationship the GF had with the daughter has slowly broken down.

I have no idea how you came to that conclusion tbh. The OP mentioned the ex also had a partner and there's no indication at all that she has any interest romantically in him.

Sounds to me like his current girlfriend has no interest in his daughter at all due to her dislike of children in general. Nothing to do with any badmouthing by his ex.

If the GF has any sense she'd be out of there.

Sorry to be cynical about it.

I agree. If his girlfriend can't accept his daughter after nine years, I wouldn't see a future in this relationship either.

stickybookmark

dark crystal wrote: »

The OP mentioned the ex also had a partner and there's no indication at all that she has any interest romantically in him.

No he didn't?

dark crystal

stickybookmark wrote: »

No he didn't?

Ah sorry, confusing it with another post.

He does say they aren't interested in each other in that way though and were only together for the sake of the child. There's no indication at all that the ex wants anything from him other than an amicable relationship as parents of their child.
Blaming her for the disinterest shown by the OP's girlfriend in his daughter after nine years seems totally misguided to me.

Sleepless and Manic

dark crystal wrote: »

There's no indication at all that the ex wants anything from him other than an amicable relationship as parents of their child.

What about the forty phone calls a day then?

??

dark crystal

Sleepless and Manic wrote: »

What about the forty phone calls a day then?

??

I'm not condoning that many phone calls, but that level of conact doesn't seem to be a frequent occurance, in fairness. He has spoken to his ex about the issue and says the calls have abated a lot during the last year and that they are generally amicable in nature. An amicable relationship between separated parents is much healthier for a child than constant fighting and legal battles.

Again, there's no indication that the ex is badmouthing the girlfriend at all. His daughter isn't stupid. She's probably well aware of how indifferent the OP's girlfriend has always been to her. The OP admits his girlfriend has no interest in his daughter and is actually put out by the time he wants to spend with her.
Sorry, but truthfully, if my partner was that hostile towards the most important person in my life, I'd have got rid long ago.

LegacyUser

It all sounds a bit chicken-and-egg though - which came first, the GF being what *sounds* like unreasonable behaviour re his daughter, or that she is at the end of her tether re utterly intrusive behaviour of the ex (to really, really extreme levels on occasion).

With the extra info that the OP provided, I'd say the GF has been very patient for 9 years about this, and has now reached breaking point and is making a 'last stand'.

I think she's wrong re limiting contact with the daughter, but to be fair, the ex and daughter sound like they're bound up in same problem in her head: that she will always come last in his priorities, whenever he has time 'left over' from his daughter & ex.

When I read this thread at the start, I thought the GF was dead wrong - and I'm not into kids myself either - but now, I have no idea how she has lasted this long. If she was my friend, I'd be telling her to cut her losses and walk away.

It sounds like everything has been let get to extremes: contact with the ex is at a hell of an extreme, which I don't think any new partner would reasonably put up with. It's great that there is flexibility re the daughters arrangements - but I can see how absolute flexibility/unpredictability of arrangements would be trying for the GF if she feels excluded on other fronts (like distance, and hugely excessive contact from the ex). And it sounds like this has been going on for years, and the GF has now hit a wall where *she* is behaving in a bit of an extreme way, to try to salvage something for herself.

If nothing changes, you're going to lose your GF. If you want anything to change, you have to sit down and deal with each woman in your life and sort the problems (and expectations) out. 9 years is a long time for your GF waiting for that to happen.

LegacyUser

I meant to also say that really, whether you & your GF are on the same page re marriage & kids isn't the immediate issue by a long shot - the immediate issue is whether you're going to split or not over current day to day issues. I'd park the marriage & kids issue for now tbh, it's only complicating things. Decide whether you can be together for now, and then future expectations is a different conversation.

One other thing struck me: maybe it's just a way of putting things, but did you 'tell' your GF that you were taking your daughter for extra days over Easter, or did you check in with her re any plans/expectations she might have? The situation you're in, I honestly think it would go a long way to 'consult with' rather than 'inform'.

I would hope that if you can really get contact with the ex on to a far more normal footing, and talk to your GF about her expectations, that her interaction with your daughter will improve. If things have gone too far for that, then it's absolutely understandable why you'd split. Just keep in mind though, your daughter will be making her own way in the world in a few short years - so don't totally sacrifice your own life either OP.

Best of luck, and I hope you can find a happy balance all round.