Jealous or Right to be Upset?

MagicMarker

Cuddling? Nope, I'd end it after that.

TheShockmaster

Have to say it looks like she's moved on to this guy. Long distance is hard, no question, but she should have the honesty to admit that she wants to give up without driving you mad.

She told you what happened because you'd have found out, then she admitted to the least offence, then she backtracked when you asked to stop seeing him.

As a previous person said, trust your gut OP, it is the best insurace policy you'll ever have.

rover23

It seems impossible to work this out from a distance.

I gave her an ultimatum and she said it wasn't fair because they are just friends and him and his friends are all she really has to talk to. I hung up at this stage. SHe rang me back and told me she'd cut contact with him and his friends. I don't know if this will make things better or worse and if this ultimatum was fair or will even help things between us.

I want to know the full truth of what was going on though.
When I rang her the night she went back to his she told me that some of her other friends were there too. It turns out it was just the two of them. Another lie was that she kept saying they just fell asleep. It only came out after that they were cuddling. She also described the way she felt about him as " a step below fancy" before breaking down saying that she really was not sure how she felt because he is the only one who makes her laugh and feels she can talk to when I'm not there. But she said she could never see it going past what it did and that she would never do that to me and never act on how she feels.

Am I blind to think that was it ??

Now she is saying that we can get through this if we love each other , if we trust each other and if we're secure enough. I agree, but I think she is looking to brush over the facts what happened completely. She says she is sorryfor what happened, but starts to get angry when I start to ask questions about the extent of it.


The thing is I genuinely believe this girl loves me and if we hadn't been long distance it would not have come to this.

I'll be home in three weeks for my 21st and we were supposed to see each other then but now I don't know. I'm feeling very lost and a long long way from home.

Un Croissant

I have a feeling if you keep asking questions then you will find out a lot more happened.

In my experience, she might admit to A in the hope that it stops the fighting. If you push her she will admit to B in the hope that that satisfies you until you're down to Z and wondering a whole new set of questions.

RevRun

DUMP HER buddy..youre only 21..do not put yerself through this

tara73

firstly, really sorry for what you going through at the moment, and you sound like a decent guy who doesn't deserve this!

what she's doing is not acceptable, she's cheating. might not have gone to the full extend of having sex but cuddling and very likely kissing and falling asleep on a narrow couch is an absolute no go. and it wasn't even a drunken one off, she's spending alone time with him obviously on a regulary basis. Could you ever trust her again?
Only you know her, but for me it would be too much and would probably end the relationship.

the fact you're not present is very hard and I would advice you not to take the step to break up from far away. you wrote you're home in a few weeks, wait til you see her again and then make your decision. you can judge about her state of mind and the seriousness of her feelings for this other men only when you look her in the face...

all the best

missjm

Whether she has or she hasn't, there are only two people who really know - her and him and neither are likely to tell you if they did. If they didn't and tell you, you're not likely to believe it. Can you proceed in the relationship without trust? Because that's exactly what's lacking here. You felt driven demented enough to text/contact somebody at 3am to check up on her. That's not normal. This relationship already sound unhealthy for both of you.

Chucky the tree

The only thing she's shown she is capable of is consistently lying about the whole situation. I wouldn't trust anything she says at this stage.

Taltos

rover23 wrote: »

...

The thing is I genuinely believe this girl loves me and if we hadn't been long distance it would not have come to this.

....

Do you really think this?
She has lied to you.
She has now admitted to cuddling another man.
She refuses to cease contact with this other guy.

None of which inspires confidence in me that she really loves you.
I think you need to take a step back and maybe consider that you both would be better off out of each others lives. The trust is gone, and to be frank the fact that she is still hanging around this guy just leads me to one conclusion - either something has happened or they are hoping something will...

rover23

Taltos wrote: »

Do you really think this?
She has lied to you.
She has now admitted to cuddling another man.
She refuses to cease contact with this other guy.

She has said she will stop hanging around with him and his friends for the good of us.

I asked her had anything else ever happened with them and she got really angry with me, saying I don't and never have trusted her and that nothing past cuddling had ever happened between them.

She said she wished she hadn't told me about the whole thing and was getting really frustrated and said " God,telling the truth is overrated" .

I don't know if she has talked to him since.

When she calmed down after she texted saying she'll never love anybody as much as me and that why can I not believe her and that she wants things to get back to normal. She also said that she really cannot take this anymore.

I admit I have a trust issue but its as if she is only sorry I found out rather than what happened. If I had not of found out she would have continued seeing him for sure.

retro:electro

Telling the truth is overrated?! Wow, that response alone would make me want to have nothing to do with her. From what you describe she sounds very immature, making false promises and going back and forth and such. It looks the the trust has been broken, she has admitted to cuddling him and was in his house alone on multiple occasions, does It really matter if things got physical? She still technically cheated, she lied, and now she's spitting the dummy and regretting ever telling you the truth.
She has completely disrespected you, and in front of everyone including all your friends. I don't know how you are supposed to get over that.

beano345

Man what a mess,her actions and answers seem very cloak and dagger,I'd be running at this point op,as hard as it seems now you'll look back and say to yourself what was I thinking.I wouldnt trust someone again after that.it comes across as she's seeing how things will go with this new fella while keeping you as the back up dancer.

DukeOfTheSharp

"I asked her had anything else ever happened with them and she got really angry with me, saying I don't and never have trusted her and that nothing past cuddling had ever happened between them.

She said she wished she hadn't told me about the whole thing and was getting really frustrated and said " God,telling the truth is overrated"."

...nope. Sorry, but that kind of aggressive reaction to something you've said, the use of rash generalisation and disregard for any past trust you may have had that dissipated after she outright lied to you is a sign of some major guilt. You're right that she's annoyed you found out, her dirty little secret is what's called 'having your cake and eating it too' - meaning that she just wanted to have you to care for her when she felt like it, but when she wants something in the here and now -and what she wants, she gets.

Essentially she doesn't want to tell you the truth because it'll spoil her fun. She betrayed your trust, overreacted in anger, lashed out at you, and then, to top it all off, said that she can't take it anymore. Nothing in what she said alluded to how you felt. She seems incredibly selfish, immature and manipulative. I'd advise you dump her, forget about waiting, because she clearly can't handle conflict when she's in the wrong, she's a liar, her reactions are volatile when she's aware she's completely wrong and she has no respect for you. There's a taboo around breaking up with people over the phone, someone might say 'be better than her'...ignore them. You do what you have to do to regain some confidence and self-assurance, she betrayed you, she lied about it, I fail to see any way to make that relationship work. Honestly it'll drive you insane if you stick it out any longer, when you feel the need to have someone check up on her, then you know she's playing with you to make you seem like the bad guy. She doesn't know what she wants? Force her hand. It'll hurt like hell but taking the initiative will save you the paranoia and distrust. You're nearly 21, you've got plenty of women in the world that'll treat you better, you've just got to wade through some bad ones before you get to the good.

desertcircus

Stripped of any judgment about right and wrong on either side, you should end the relationship. You're not comfortable with her behaviour when you're not around, and she's evidently interested in someone else. Even if you manage to come to a resolution this time, the evidence suggests that you'll feel awkward about her having any kind of close male friend, and that she wants day-to-day intimacy of a kind it's impossible to sustain in a long-distance relationship. End it now, rather than dealing with the symptoms and trying not to think about the causes.

Czarcasm

OP I'm gonna be blunt here and tell you that for either of you, an LTR is ridiculous, and expecting that either of you should remain celibate, faithful, whatever you want to call it, for SEVEN MONTHS, at 20 years of age, a time when you should both be enjoying healthy and fulfilling sex and relationships, the commitment of an LTR is just too much pressure, on both of you, and very, very unhealthy tbh.

From reading your posts, this seems like you want to control this girl from afar, telling her who she can and can't be friends with, because you're jealous of another guy that she has gotten close to while you were away.

I mean this with the greatest of respect OP, but what the hell did you expect? You put far too much pressure on each other to put both your lives on hold so to speak and close both yourselves off to the idea of meeting new people who you COULD enjoy physical company with, and for what? A couple of hours arguing back and forth on Skype?

OP that's not healthy, for either of you, and the way a young girl has been shredded in this thread is quite frankly disgusting. You were just as naive as she was to think you could forsake all others at such a young age and carry on an LTR and think everything would be hunky dory.

For both your sakes, end this relationship now before you cause each other any more mental distress and heartache. The irreparable damage has been done and your relationship will never be what it was again, because even when you get back, that crippling insecurity will still needle away at you and the feeling that she wants to be with this other guy will haunt you, no matter how many times she reassures you, and if it's not this guy, it'll be another guy, and another, and the niggling doubts will chip away at you each time she gets friendly with a guy.

Do you really want to put her through that, if you say you love her as much as you do? Do you really want to put yourself through that? Think about where that will leave you both in five, ten years from now. You'll end up hating each other.

beano345

Czarcasm wrote: »

OP I'm gonna be blunt here and tell you that for either of you, an LTR is ridiculous, and expecting that either of you should remain celibate, faithful, whatever you want to call it, for SEVEN MONTHS, at 20 years of age, a time when you should both be enjoying healthy and fulfilling sex and relationships, the commitment of an LTR is just too much pressure, on both of you, and very, very unhealthy tbh.

From reading your posts, this seems like you want to control this girl from afar, telling her who she can and can't be friends with, because you're jealous of another guy that she has gotten close to while you were away.

I mean this with the greatest of respect OP, but what the hell did you expect? You put far too much pressure on each other to put both your lives on hold so to speak and close both yourselves off to the idea of meeting new people who you COULD enjoy physical company with, and for what? A couple of hours arguing back and forth on Skype?

OP that's not healthy, for either of you, and the way a young girl has been shredded in this thread is quite frankly disgusting. You were just as naive as she was to think you could forsake all others at such a young age and carry on an LTR and think everything would be hunky dory.

For both your sakes, end this relationship now before you cause each other any more mental distress and heartache. The irreparable damage has been done and your relationship will never be what it was again, because even when you get back, that crippling insecurity will still needle away at you and the feeling that she wants to be with this other guy will haunt you, no matter how many times she reassures you, and if it's not this guy, it'll be another guy, and another, and the niggling doubts will chip away at you each time she gets friendly with a guy.

Do you really want to put her through that, if you say you love her as much as you do? Do you really want to put yourself through that? Think about where that will leave you both in five, ten years from now. You'll end up hating each other.

To be fair to the op he just wants the truth if you were in his shoes you'd be the same looking for an honest answer to be able to walk away not getting half ass answers and a head full of more questions.I know the op is young but if your in a relationship no matter what age ya kinda expect faithfullness

Mr. Incognito

Dump her.

She will never respect you and once the trust is gone the relationship is over. Delete her number and cut all contact.

She'll come begging for a week then she will end getting with this guy. Get out with some dignity intact.

rover23

Its so sad that its happening now at the end of the long distance.

In the first semester she would call me/text multiple times on nights out , sometimes crying telling me how she missed me and how much she loved me.She would cry herself to sleep many nights. There was a time before christmas where it got too much and she didn't talk to me for several days.. she said afterwards she needed space. She is an intelligent girl, stunningly beautiful and genuinely not as callous as some people here believe, she has always been honest with me before this...she knows me better than anyone. just a week ago she told me this guy and his friends asked her to live with them next year but she refused. She has always had close male friends before we met.
She has paid a lot of money to come travel over here twice to see me, despite being broke. Most recently three weeks ago.

The facts are bad though and it was totally unacceptable.

She is not thinking straight at the moment I know that for sure and maybe I'm not either.

Regardless of what happens I'm going to take a step back from the situation for a while, put myself first and not allow any more hurt. Let her do the chasing until she realises if ever how much this hurts me. Maybe she won't and then it will be obvious. Very hard to tell from such distance. We have been through a lot together before. We are both each others first loves. It will be our one year anniversary next Thursday.

I'm a confident easy going guy generally but this year has taken its toll and I have never felt so let down or cheated. It was maybe my own fault for going so head on into this relationship from the start. Its still very raw at the moment so I'm just going to keep busy , play it cool and see what happens. Kissing and making up is completely off the cards at the moment.

Her only response now is that she says she is sorry, she is scared about the situation, she loves me and that she wants us to go back to normal. She will stop seeing them (though its a tiny town they live very very close by and will inevitably meet around or on nights out).. and finally that she really doesn't know what to say to make it better.

It will all become clearer very soon hopefully. Thanks for all the responses guys ,I really appreciate it. More would be really welcome as I have few people to talk to about it right now.

IHeartShoes

Are you sure torturing the poor girl is the best action to take? If you cannot cope with what she did and are unwilling to accept her reasonable explanation and seemingly heartfelt apology, by all means you should end the relationship and move on.

But withdrawing and making her do the 'chasing' now to punish her or get her to prove herself, which is the impression I get, does seem unfair. Put her out of her misery. Forgive her and move on or don't and let her go would seem the obvious choices from here.

Mr. Incognito

Sounds like you are being vindictive and dragging it out and when she has done her pannance you will take her back.

Sorry to be blunt but don't be a douche. End it or get over it.

desertcircus

if you're ringing housemates at 3am to check up on where she is, then you're not exactly occupying the moral high ground. The relationship is broken, so end it and leave it there.

rover23

I've been thinking about the situation now a lot while trying to get myself right again by eating exercising etc. Going out socialising and generally starting to feel better.

I've pulled back from her, letting her know I'm still upset. Though I still have strong feelings for her. She tells me that even if I don't love her that she still loves me and wants us to work this out.

It doesn't seem fair to leave her wondering whats going on between us so my thought now is to tell her that we need some time apart until we are back living in the same place, which will be next September.If we still miss each other and want to get back together then so be it... Maybe it will become clearer to the both of us what we really want.

Does this ever work ?

Penny Tration

That sounds really cruel, actually. You want to tell her you need space for 5 months and you 'might' get back together?

Mate, not to be crude, but it's time to sh!t or get off the pot.

Either you want a relationship with her and want to get past this, or you don't.

Don't leave the girl hanging for 5 months.

Czarcasm

rover23 wrote: »

Maybe it will become clearer to the both of us what we really want.

Does this ever work ?

No OP it doesn't work, is the simplest answer to that one. The whole thing (the "relationship", this thread, from beginning to end), sounds like it suits you more than it does your "girlfriend" (ex-girlfriend, I can't keep up!). Why the inverted commas? Because apart from the two times she left herself broke to visit you, all you've had is the initial two months you had together. Now you expect she would wait another six months until you come back and you figure you'll both carry on where you left off?

OP what you're suggesting is both unfeasible, and unrealistic. Even if this girl is naive enough to agree to such a ridiculous suggestion, do you really think you're being fair to her? You're effectively bookmarking her as yours and thinking that by giving her hope, she'll remain faithful to you for another six months in the hope she'll be able to prove herself to you.

Christ OP I have to keep in mind that you're a very naive 20 year old, but I hope this girl has more cop on than you give her credit for and tells you where to go with yourself, because you're frighteningly controlling, and the fact you seem oblivious to it yourself is a sign of just how much growing up you have yet to do.

Idle Passerby

rover23 wrote: »

In the first semester she would call me/text multiple times on nights out , sometimes crying telling me how she missed me and how much she loved me.She would cry herself to sleep many nights. There was a time before christmas where it got too much and she didn't talk to me for several days.. she said afterwards she needed space.

She never wanted to be in an LDR, she obviously found it extremely difficult but gave it a very good shot despite it being financially as well as emotionally draining. Unfortunately, it sounds like she really liked you at the start, really wanted a relationship, grieved for it and ultimately had to let go.

Yeah she should have been more honest with herself about not being into the LDR from the start, and her feelings for the other guy, but she's really young. You learn all this relationship stuff through experience and that's what your both getting now. Learning what works and what doesn't. Its come to an end after a prolonged illness, don't drag it out further.

rover23

Idle Passerby wrote: »

Unfortunately, it sounds like she really liked you at the start, really wanted a relationship, grieved for it and ultimately had to let go.

Its come to an end after a prolonged illness, don't drag it out further.

She says she wants it back more than ever now though and that the whole situation has made her realize this.

I love her more than anything and wish it could all be ok.

Its that she wants things to go back to normal and act like nothing happened but I still feel bad about it. I'm not over it at all and being away from her makes that harder to fix.

jlm29

OP, this is going to sound incredibly patronising, but I'm going to say it anyhow.
When I was 21, I thought I was in love. Thought I had found my forever love. To be honest, I realise now that I was too young to even know what love was. When you're a bit later on in life, and you have stresses like mortgages, kids, putting strain on a relationship, it's ok to have to work hard at them. But when you're 20, a relationship should be fun, it should be easy. If it's not, it's too much hassle, and you should let it go and live your lives.