Jealous or Right to be Upset?

rover23

My girlfriend and I have been in a long distance relationship for the past seven months (different countries). Its been going fairly well till now and is due to end in two months when I get back. Something happened the other night though that makes me question everything.

Two nights ago she went out to a College end-of-year ball. I told her to have a good time and asked here to text me when she got in. I never got the text. That didn't bother me too much.

However, When we were Skyping each other last night she was recounting the night. It turned out that after the Ball she walked home to her house with just her and a male friend. When she got back the pair of them and the rest of the housemates stayed up chatting into the small hours until it was just the two of them left. I then asked her straight up did the guy stay over and she told me he did. They both fell asleep on the same couch. I felt sick after I heard this.

I don't know this guy but I know she has been quite friendly with him over the past few months. She assures me nothing happened but whether that's true or not I still feel cheated either way.

I don't know how to feel as I would never do something like this to her and the thought of it is really painful. The fact that she sat up chatting with some guy for hours I don't know and falling asleep next to him is totally unacceptable for me.It breaks all sorts of boundaries.

I don't know exactly what happend but she says they didn't cuddle or anything , that they just fell asleep. Not holding each other would be almost impossible given the size of the couch they were on.

She insists she is just friends with him and nothing happened, they just fell asleep. But he happens to be a decent looking guy and has a reputation as a bit of a "lad".

Needless to say I don't want her to see him again. But she says he's one of her only real friends.

I really don't know what to say or do to make her understand how this feels. Or am I over reacting/over thinking ? Head is just a mess at the moment.

jlm29

rover23 wrote: »

My girlfriend and I have been in a long distance relationship for the past seven months (different countries). Its been going fairly well till now and is due to end in two months when I get back. Something happened the other night though that makes me question everything.

Two nights ago she went out to a College end-of-year ball. I told her to have a good time and asked here to text me when she got in. I never got the text. That didn't bother me too much.

However, When we were Skyping each other last night she was recounting the night. It turned out that after the Ball she walked home to her house with just her and a male friend. When she got back the pair of them and the rest of the housemates stayed up chatting into the small hours until it was just the two of them left. I then asked her straight up did the guy stay over and she told me he did. They both fell asleep on the same couch. I felt sick after I heard this.

I don't know this guy but I know she has been quite friendly with him over the past few months. She assures me nothing happened but whether that's true or not I still feel cheated either way.

I don't know how to feel as I would never do something like this to her and the thought of it is really painful. The fact that she sat up chatting with some guy for hours I don't know and falling asleep next to him is totally unacceptable for me.It breaks all sorts of boundaries.

I don't know exactly what happend but she says they didn't cuddle or anything , that they just fell asleep. Not holding each other would be almost impossible given the size of the couch they were on.

She insists she is just friends with him and nothing happened, they just fell asleep. But he happens to be a decent looking guy and has a reputation as a bit of a "lad".

Needless to say I don't want her to see him again. But she says he's one of her only real friends.

I really don't know what to say or do to make her understand how this feels. Or am I over reacting/over thinking ? Head is just a mess at the moment.

According to her, he's a friend, and nothing happened. If the story was the same, but with a female friend inserted instead of male, I suspect you wouldn't be bothered. If there were past issues with cheating/trust issues, maybe it would be understandable, but you told the story, you seem a bit unreasonable. If you trust your gf, then there's no reason to ask her not to see this dude again. And if you don't trust her, then you shouldn't really be in a relationship with her.

Obliq

Oh jaysus, I don't know - I'd probably feel a bit gutted too and feel that had overstepped a line. That's an intimacy beyond a point I'd feel at all comfortable about and would require so much trust on my part that I'd feel my partner should have predicted that (especially at an early point in a relationship), no matter how drunk. And if too drunk, that's an issue in itself.

On the other hand, there's plenty of my fella's women friends I would completely trust and trust him not to be fancying/having to hold back from, given the same situation, but that's because I know him and his friends extremely well. I wouldn't like this OP. Sorry for your messed up feelings now

retro:electro

I'll probably be in the minority here but I think you're completely over reacting. She has told you what happened so why should you feel the need to think any different? You obviously have trust issues with her. Maybe she didn't text you because she fell asleep like she is saying, simple as. There is no reason for you to assume what she is telling you is lies, right? Falling asleep on the couch with a friend is hardly the crime of the century. Lighten up and give her a break.

heretochat

My immediate reaction to this is that she has been upfront with you about what happened. This speaks to a lack of trust on your behalf OP.

I don't think you can dictate whom she can and can't be friends with to be honest, and if you try to force the issue you end up running the risk of losing her.

I would say you have to trust her on this one if she says nothing happened. I would be subtle about your reservations where this guy is concerned and wouldn't be recommending ultimatums.

irishguy1983

If i were a betting man I'd say something did happen.

Fell asleep my arse.

She is being "up front" in an effort to put you off. We've all done that - amateur move.

strobe

Are you over reacting by ordering your girlfriend to never see one of her friends again because they fell asleep on the same couch? Yes, in a word.

Look if it makes you feel that jealous or insecure or whatever then maybe it'd be cool to just explain that to her, ask would she mind making sure she made it to her bed in future while he took the couch. Chances are she'd respect your wishes.

Telling her she can not see one of her only friends again because of your insecurities and trust issues is more likely to get you dumped before you get back home if anything man imo.

I'd be thinking damage limitation if I was you. Get your ass back on Skype and apologise for being so over the top initially, explain its just tough with the whole LDR thing and thinking of her being in an intimate situation like that with a guy that isn't you makes it tougher. Retract the request that she loses one of her good friends. But ask would she take into account what its like for you to think of her and another guy falling asleep together like that and would she not to let it happen in future, tell her you trust her but the whole idea of it just doesn't sit right as its a little too intimate and familiar.

rover23

strobe wrote: »

I'd be thinking damage limitation if I was you. Get your ass back on Skype and apologise for being so over the top initially, explain its just tough with the whole LDR thing and thinking of her being in an intimate situation like that with a guy that isn't you makes it tougher. Retract the request that she loses one of her good friends. But ask would she take into account what its like for you to think of her and another guy falling asleep together like that and would she not to let it happen in future, tell her you trust her but the whole idea of it just doesn't sit right as its a little too intimate and familiar.

Its true that the distance is a huge factor. Thanks for the advice.

Also bout the trust thing. I trusted her not to put herself in those types of situations in the first place. This is just testing my trust big time. But I agree that she probably wouldn't have told me it happened if she had nothing to hide.

poundapunnet

I can see how this would be very easy to be worried by in a long-distance situation, but worrying about it is not going to help.

Have you ever had any reason not to trust her in the past? Or have you noticed any cooling in the relationship that's coincided with her getting more friendly with the guy in question? Reading between the lines I'm getting the impression this friendship has been on your mind previous to this incident?

If the answer to all the above is no, you can probably relax, but tbh even if the answer to all the above is yes, your options are limited. Pushing the issue and making ultimatums is not going to do you any good. However, maybe a conversation about just why this is bothering you so much-you're missing her, the long-distance is hard, you miss being as much a part of her life as her friends are, nothing accusatory-and exactly what you both feel are acceptable boundaries might be in order. If she knew that this was the kind of thing that would bother you and did it anyway that's a bit out of order, but unless ye had previously had discussions about it I doubt she did, because it sounds pretty innocent.

LegacyUser

I dont know the girl obviously, but if I was told this I would not believe her. I would be upset and I would finish it too

December2012

I think you're over reacting and being out of line telling her not to be friends with this guy.

Either you believe her (in which case she did nothing wrong), or you don't (in which case why would you be still going out with her).

LegacyUser

Not the easiest one to give advice to without more information. Think it boils down to how much you trust each other. The long distance element can test even the strongest of relationships and I don't think anyone would be pleased to hear what she told you. You know her better than anyone here possibly could so I think it would be wrong to take any definitive advise on board from strangers.

Ask yourself a few questions. 1, Has she ever given you any reason to not trust her. 2, Is she prone to playing mind games with you. If the answers to both the above are no you then need to consider whether you being overly paranoid could possibly push her away.

Chucky the tree

I can't ever imagine deciding to fall asleep next to someone I have no romantic feelings for when I have the option of going to my own bed, everyone is different though I suppose. Impossible to know if something happened though and you can't tell her to stop seeing him without looking like jealous nut job tbh.

rover23

A bit of context with this guy. He is a big hit with the women in my college.

Also, a few weeks ago she was on a night out and we we texting. She suddenly stopped and I heard nothing more. I had trouble sleeping so I asked her roommate had she come home and she said she hadn't. This was at 3AM. I then rang her. It rang out 3 times before she answered. It turns out she was at this guys house.. and they were watching TV. She said at the time that it wouldn't happen again and it has but even worse.
I am really struggling to figure this out.

Chucky the tree

rover23 wrote: »

A bit of context with this guy. He is a big hit with the women in my college.

Also, a few weeks ago she was on a night out and we we texting. She suddenly stopped and I heard nothing more. I had trouble sleeping so I asked her roommate had she come home and she said she hadn't. This was at 3AM. I then rang her. It rang out 3 times before she answered. It turns out she was at this guys house.. and they were watching TV. She said at the time that it wouldn't happen again and it has but even worse.
I am really struggling to figure this out.

After reading this I'd definitely has serious issues with how she's behaved. I'd probably just end it tbh.

LegacyUser

Yes I do think you are over reacting to be honest. She fell asleep on a couch with a friend and told you about it as soon as she could. Just because he is male does NOT mean she has to like him as more than a friend. And as for trusting her not to put herself in that situation as you said - I doubt you would have had that same opinion had it been a female friend that had been on the couch. If my bf told me that had happened to him I would trust him because that's what couples are supposed to do. I think you need to get over your own insecurities and say sorry to your gf. You either trust her or you don't.

MagicMarker

TBH I think you're overreacting about the initial incident, however in light of your most recent post something doesn't seem to be right about the situation. I'd be suspicious also.

BUT, you also have some major trust issues. Texting her roommate at 3am to see if she's home? That's… weird.

retro:electro

OP you two are in different countries living two different lives. You can't expect to have her on a leash and want to know where she is and when she doesn't answer your every beck and call you freak out. I assume you're getting on with your life wherever you are and don't feel you need to report your every move to her? You sound fairly suffocating tbh, give the girl a breather she's living her life. If she wanted to be with him she would be with him and the fact that you are away would probably make it easier for her to leave you; she hasn't left you so stop being paranoid.

Your only basis for your dilemma is that other people find him attractive, so what? Maybe she doesn't.

strobe

rover23 wrote: »

A bit of context with this guy. He is a big hit with the women in my college.

Also, a few weeks ago she was on a night out and we we texting. She suddenly stopped and I heard nothing more. I had trouble sleeping so I asked her roommate had she come home and she said she hadn't. This was at 3AM. I then rang her. It rang out 3 times before she answered. It turns out she was at this guys house.. and they were watching TV. She said at the time that it wouldn't happen again and it has but even worse.
I am really struggling to figure this out.

Ah man, for all she knows, you are over there in Australia/USA/England/Wherever riding the brains out of every thing in a skirt that passes your eye line. She wouldn't be able to stop you and she'd probably never know if you did. Is she ringing your room mate at 3am to check if you're home?

Look, trust isn't required when you know something absolutely. You don't have to trust you have fingers on your left hand because you can look down and count them. Trust is when you don't know something, when you can't know absolutely, but you take it as an axiom and go from there.

She could have easily said she was staying in a gf's house that night you rang her at 3am. She could have just left out the part about sleeping on the couch with your man the other night, they were the only two that knew.

Of course it's a possibility she's cheating on you with him, or she's going to. Just like it's a possibility you are after sleeping with some girl 30 mins before your Skype chat with her at night. Neither of you can know that's not the case, you just have to trust each other. You'll be home in two months. After the five months already away that'll fly in. But when you get back she's still going to have male friends. She's still going to head off without you sometimes to college or on girls nights out or whatever. And you're going to head out with your mates on nights out and get a job after college and have female work colleagues or clients or whatever else and basically it'll be just as likely or as possible either of you can or will cheat then.

You've two choices. Trust her, recognising what that really means. Or don't and end things. If she's gonna cheat she'll cheat, with this guy at this time or another guy at another time, and there's pretty much nothing you can do about that. If you're gonna cheat on her, you will, and there's nothing she can do about that. You either have to accept that it's a possibility but trust her anyway, or you end things. It's not easy, trusting someone, but it's necessary if you want to be in a relationship with them on any kind of long term basis. You, her, anyone, has to pretty much just take a blind leap of faith in that regard to some degree when they enter into a relationship. You might get burnt or you might not, but if you think they're a good person, if you love them and believe they love you, you've just gotta roll the dice.

cletus van damme

i'm going to disagree with most here.
I don't think trust is the main issue here - it will be a part though

I think whether you trust her or not . Her behaviour is inappropriate.
Spending the night on the couch is not appropriate behaviour for an attached girl. It's that simple.

Going to his house to watch tv? holy fcuk.
Walking her home and staying there to the small hours.
This guy is on the mooch with her.
She may like the attention (further inappropriate behaviour) or be really naive.

She is spending a lot of time alone with this guy alone which isn't right either.

Now if you trust her that is great.
But in my experience constant exposure to a guy like that will result , in a lot of cases, in a slip somewhere on her part. Or at best he'll make his move and some awkwardness will happen.

I don't think she needs to cut contact but pal around with him as part fo a group and no late night chats on the sofa.
If she doesn't then I think you know what you need to do.

Despite what some people might say there is nothing insecure about being suspicious. The behaviour is there screaming out at you. It's silly not to think it suspect.

Degringola

Personally if I had a boyfriend that was checking with my roommate in the middle of the night to find out if I was home, I'd dump him.

Does your girlfriend monitor your movements too OP, or does the controlling only go in one direction?

LegacyUser

Am I the only girl who's done this plenty in her twenties?

My group of friend included lads. We all went out together and I'd always end up staying up late talking drunk-****e with one of them, male or female.

And God, I've often conked out on the couch, hell, I've even conked out in beds with them. The morning after one particular party I woke up to see a set of feet (in shoes!) beside me on the pillow, which belonged to a guy who'd been in a relationship for about 10 years. Technically we shared a bed that night....but jaysus, we barely registered each others presence!

I certainly had boyfriends during this time. But even looking back, I can't see anything inappropriate about conking out next to a friend. I saw them as kinda gender-neutral, even the attractive ones. It never even occcured to me to flirt, and if they had flirted back, I'd have politely ignored it or changed the subject in order to keep the friendship.

Also it should be said that if my boyfriend had conked out on a couch, even a small couch with someone after a big night out, my first thought would not have been suspicious. Not if he wasn't naturally flirtatious by nature and I'd no reason to think he'd cheat on me. Rather I would just assume that it was exactly how he described. Just semi-passing out. I'd rather that than they struggle out into the night trying to get a taxi, to be honest.

Also, this stuff of checkong with her roomate if they're home yet? Eerrrrrrr.....you're not her Dad. That would not be a turn on for me, sorry.

rover23

strobe wrote: »

She could have easily said she was staying in a gf's house that night you rang her at 3am. She could have just left out the part about sleeping on the couch with your man the other night, they were the only two that knew.

The thing is she lives with a couple of our friends from last year so she could have thought that they would have told me if she didn't.

Maybe there are more reasons for my insecurity.. While I give her my full attention..sometimes when we are skyping she'd be on Facebook typing away only half interested in the conversation. Then I'd ask here who she's on to and she'd tell me him. It just all makes me feel second best and that him and his mates are like a constant third wheel. She doesn't really have any close female friends.

As I said, a few weeks ago I told her I wasn't happy about her going back to this guys house after a night out. She would have stayed over if I hadn't of rang her. She says they are just friends and I don't understand. But that if I wasn't comfortable with it, which I'm really not for various reasons,that it would stop.

Then this happens and I'm left wondering is she trying to subtley hinting for me to leave her... (she is shy and don't think she would ever break up with me). or just being honest even if though she knows I'm not comfortable with it.

I'm despairing because it was working out fine until this. I've been really good to her. This is the only thing

We arranged to talk later . The last thing she told me is that she's sorry, that she loves me more than anything and please not to break up with her.

I don't want it to end but I don't want it to continue like this.

LegacyUser

Continue like what? Your jealousy crippling you?

It doesn't sound like you think she's actually kissed this guy. It seems you just don't want her around a good looking guy. You certainly don't want her to be good mutually supportive pals with a good-looking guy, even though she's very shy and has no close female friends.

So you would, it seems, like her to keep him at arms length, even though you are living in an entirely different country and are not there for her to hang out with.

I honestly am wondering what you would like her relationships with her friends to look like on a daily basis. And if I am wondering it, I'd bet she's wondering it too.

Does she only have female friends now?
Is she allowed male friends if they're ugly?
Is she allowed to have banter on FB with male friends other than him?
Is she allowed to PM male friends on FB? Or only female friends?
Is she allowed to go back to a girls house after the club?
But what if he tags along too as he's part of the group?
Should she then abruptly decline at the last minute and try to find a cab?
Should she decline to go out to clubs if he's there?
Should she be texting him at all?
What if he texts her, should she blank it, or answer only briefly?
If she suddenly stops being his friend for you, what explanation is she supposed to give him or the group?

GreeBo

OP while you might trust her, Id have major concerns about him.
Looking at it from his point of view, he has free access to some cool girl he likes who is happy to spend time with him, at the expense of her boyfriend and the detriment of the relationship.

Add to that its a LDR I'd be worried about the whole situation.

however so far she is still being honest with you, so from her side there isnt really anything that bad going on, I'd be more than pissed about the sleeping on the couch and staying up ignoring her phone personally, but other than an ultimatium Im not sure what you can really do here...

Are you willing to lose her on the back of an ultimatum?

rover23

GreeBo wrote: »

OP while you might trust her, Id have major concerns about him.
Looking at it from his point of view, he has free access to some cool girl he likes who is happy to spend time with him, at the expense of her boyfriend and the detriment of the relationship.

Add to that its a LDR I'd be worried about the whole situation.

however so far she is still being honest with you, so from her side there isnt really anything that bad going on, I'd be more than pissed about the sleeping on the couch and staying up ignoring her phone personally, but other than an ultimatium Im not sure what you can really do here...

Are you willing to lose her on the back of an ultimatum?

This is exactly how I feel.

I don't know what the ultimatum could be though.

skallywag

I had a practically identical thing happen to me OP, I didn't like it at the time. The fact that she did not text as arranged when she got in I found highly unusual, as she always kept to her word. She was apologetic for not texting, but could not offer any plausible explanation. It was a tricky situation to be in, as one can't really feel justified over getting upset about such things, without coming over as being completley paraniod / unreasonable etc. 2 weeks later we have broken up and she is seeing this guy. Sorry, my own story is probably not filling you with confidence ...

rover23

I just talked to her and she came clean to me. I think now I had every right to be worried.

In the beginning I explained that I would forgive her for anything and that could she please be honest with me. She admitted that the two of them were cuddling.

I then asked her did she fancy him/see him as more than a friend or have feelings for him. After much thinking she said she thinks she might fancy him and that she has some feelings for him. She was quite upset saying this. She said " Its hard to explain but its kind of like a step below fancy" . She insisted nothing ever happened and she wants to be with me. She says she misses me so much and she was always lonely and this guy makes her forget that and makes her laugh.

I believe that nothing more has happened, but crushed that she feels that way.

Then when I said that she either needs to stop talking to him or else forget about me she started back tracking and say she didn't want to choose and she had no feelings for him and didn't see him as more than a friend.

I told her I needed to think about it after that.
I dont know what to feel or what to do now.

LegacyUser

I'm a firm believer in trusting your gut. In past experiences mine has always been right, you got a gut feeling and you were right to be worried IMO..

So she was cuddling with him? Honestly OP this long distance seems to be taking it's toll on you both which is sad. If she really misses you like she says then she wouldn't be cuddling him and spending a lot of time with him. I'm saying that because I've just put myself in her shoes and I would never go on like that if I missed my bf.

Maybe cuddling could be seen a harmless to some, but to me that's a no no.

LegacyUser

I think it may have been the mod Big Bag of Chips who was posting a reply on here before about a possible cheating partner who said something like that at the start the cheating person would only at first "admit to the bare minimum" / what they think they could get away with you believing of what happened. (apologies if I'm quoting the wrong person)

That's what this admission of "cuddling" sounds like to me. I would not be surprised if they had kissed, maybe even on more than one occasion.

From even your first post I was wondering why she felt the need to tell you such a detailed chain of events of the night about how he ended up sleeping on the couch with her if she had nothing to admit to. (Although maybe it's because she already knows you don't like the guy and as you said yourself would probably hear it back from the other housemates who are your mutual friends?)
I agree with the poster Irishguy1983 who said that she was only being "upfront" in an effort to put you off because she knew you were going to hear it back anyways from the housemates.

She didn't have time/ forgot to text you when she got home like she said was going to (fair enough, it happen's), but she had plenty of time and energy to stay up chatting with that guy into the small hours until they fell asleep together cuddling?

The other night that she was over in his home alone with him at 3am watching telly, why did she suddenly stop texting, and why did the phone have to ring out THREE times before she answered?

The thing about being more interested facebooking him at the same time she is on Skype to you? Wtf like?

Your behaviour does at first read as jealous and a little controlling, but it does seem to all stem from your deep mistrust about the whole situation, and to be honest I can completely see why you don't trust her. It seems your gut feeling was right as she has now admitted to cuddling and having some sort of feelings for the guy.
Not sure what to advise you to do as every person is different, can only say that I myself would not be happy to stay in that relationship any longer if I was you.

Stretch The Pussy

rover23 wrote: »

I just talked to her and she came clean to me. I think now I had every right to be worried.

In the beginning I explained that I would forgive her for anything and that could she please be honest with me. She admitted that the two of them were cuddling.

I then asked her did she fancy him/see him as more than a friend or have feelings for him. After much thinking she said she thinks she might fancy him and that she has some feelings for him. She was quite upset saying this. She said " Its hard to explain but its kind of like a step below fancy" . She insisted nothing ever happened and she wants to be with me. She says she misses me so much and she was always lonely and this guy makes her forget that and makes her laugh.

I believe that nothing more has happened, but crushed that she feels that way.

Then when I said that she either needs to stop talking to him or else forget about me she started back tracking and say she didn't want to choose and she had no feelings for him and didn't see him as more than a friend.

I told her I needed to think about it after that.
I dont know what to feel or what to do now.

Dump her, she isn't trustworthy, she put herself in a situation with a guy she fancies where something could have easily happened. In fact it did, she cuddled on the couch with the guy all night. Dump her.

MagicMarker

Cuddling? Nope, I'd end it after that.

TheShockmaster

Have to say it looks like she's moved on to this guy. Long distance is hard, no question, but she should have the honesty to admit that she wants to give up without driving you mad.

She told you what happened because you'd have found out, then she admitted to the least offence, then she backtracked when you asked to stop seeing him.

As a previous person said, trust your gut OP, it is the best insurace policy you'll ever have.

rover23

It seems impossible to work this out from a distance.

I gave her an ultimatum and she said it wasn't fair because they are just friends and him and his friends are all she really has to talk to. I hung up at this stage. SHe rang me back and told me she'd cut contact with him and his friends. I don't know if this will make things better or worse and if this ultimatum was fair or will even help things between us.

I want to know the full truth of what was going on though.
When I rang her the night she went back to his she told me that some of her other friends were there too. It turns out it was just the two of them. Another lie was that she kept saying they just fell asleep. It only came out after that they were cuddling. She also described the way she felt about him as " a step below fancy" before breaking down saying that she really was not sure how she felt because he is the only one who makes her laugh and feels she can talk to when I'm not there. But she said she could never see it going past what it did and that she would never do that to me and never act on how she feels.

Am I blind to think that was it ??

Now she is saying that we can get through this if we love each other , if we trust each other and if we're secure enough. I agree, but I think she is looking to brush over the facts what happened completely. She says she is sorryfor what happened, but starts to get angry when I start to ask questions about the extent of it.


The thing is I genuinely believe this girl loves me and if we hadn't been long distance it would not have come to this.

I'll be home in three weeks for my 21st and we were supposed to see each other then but now I don't know. I'm feeling very lost and a long long way from home.

Un Croissant

I have a feeling if you keep asking questions then you will find out a lot more happened.

In my experience, she might admit to A in the hope that it stops the fighting. If you push her she will admit to B in the hope that that satisfies you until you're down to Z and wondering a whole new set of questions.

RevRun

DUMP HER buddy..youre only 21..do not put yerself through this

tara73

firstly, really sorry for what you going through at the moment, and you sound like a decent guy who doesn't deserve this!

what she's doing is not acceptable, she's cheating. might not have gone to the full extend of having sex but cuddling and very likely kissing and falling asleep on a narrow couch is an absolute no go. and it wasn't even a drunken one off, she's spending alone time with him obviously on a regulary basis. Could you ever trust her again?
Only you know her, but for me it would be too much and would probably end the relationship.

the fact you're not present is very hard and I would advice you not to take the step to break up from far away. you wrote you're home in a few weeks, wait til you see her again and then make your decision. you can judge about her state of mind and the seriousness of her feelings for this other men only when you look her in the face...

all the best

missjm

Whether she has or she hasn't, there are only two people who really know - her and him and neither are likely to tell you if they did. If they didn't and tell you, you're not likely to believe it. Can you proceed in the relationship without trust? Because that's exactly what's lacking here. You felt driven demented enough to text/contact somebody at 3am to check up on her. That's not normal. This relationship already sound unhealthy for both of you.

Chucky the tree

The only thing she's shown she is capable of is consistently lying about the whole situation. I wouldn't trust anything she says at this stage.

Taltos

rover23 wrote: »

...

The thing is I genuinely believe this girl loves me and if we hadn't been long distance it would not have come to this.

....

Do you really think this?
She has lied to you.
She has now admitted to cuddling another man.
She refuses to cease contact with this other guy.

None of which inspires confidence in me that she really loves you.
I think you need to take a step back and maybe consider that you both would be better off out of each others lives. The trust is gone, and to be frank the fact that she is still hanging around this guy just leads me to one conclusion - either something has happened or they are hoping something will...

rover23

Taltos wrote: »

Do you really think this?
She has lied to you.
She has now admitted to cuddling another man.
She refuses to cease contact with this other guy.

She has said she will stop hanging around with him and his friends for the good of us.

I asked her had anything else ever happened with them and she got really angry with me, saying I don't and never have trusted her and that nothing past cuddling had ever happened between them.

She said she wished she hadn't told me about the whole thing and was getting really frustrated and said " God,telling the truth is overrated" .

I don't know if she has talked to him since.

When she calmed down after she texted saying she'll never love anybody as much as me and that why can I not believe her and that she wants things to get back to normal. She also said that she really cannot take this anymore.

I admit I have a trust issue but its as if she is only sorry I found out rather than what happened. If I had not of found out she would have continued seeing him for sure.

retro:electro

Telling the truth is overrated?! Wow, that response alone would make me want to have nothing to do with her. From what you describe she sounds very immature, making false promises and going back and forth and such. It looks the the trust has been broken, she has admitted to cuddling him and was in his house alone on multiple occasions, does It really matter if things got physical? She still technically cheated, she lied, and now she's spitting the dummy and regretting ever telling you the truth.
She has completely disrespected you, and in front of everyone including all your friends. I don't know how you are supposed to get over that.

beano345

Man what a mess,her actions and answers seem very cloak and dagger,I'd be running at this point op,as hard as it seems now you'll look back and say to yourself what was I thinking.I wouldnt trust someone again after that.it comes across as she's seeing how things will go with this new fella while keeping you as the back up dancer.

DukeOfTheSharp

"I asked her had anything else ever happened with them and she got really angry with me, saying I don't and never have trusted her and that nothing past cuddling had ever happened between them.

She said she wished she hadn't told me about the whole thing and was getting really frustrated and said " God,telling the truth is overrated"."

...nope. Sorry, but that kind of aggressive reaction to something you've said, the use of rash generalisation and disregard for any past trust you may have had that dissipated after she outright lied to you is a sign of some major guilt. You're right that she's annoyed you found out, her dirty little secret is what's called 'having your cake and eating it too' - meaning that she just wanted to have you to care for her when she felt like it, but when she wants something in the here and now -and what she wants, she gets.

Essentially she doesn't want to tell you the truth because it'll spoil her fun. She betrayed your trust, overreacted in anger, lashed out at you, and then, to top it all off, said that she can't take it anymore. Nothing in what she said alluded to how you felt. She seems incredibly selfish, immature and manipulative. I'd advise you dump her, forget about waiting, because she clearly can't handle conflict when she's in the wrong, she's a liar, her reactions are volatile when she's aware she's completely wrong and she has no respect for you. There's a taboo around breaking up with people over the phone, someone might say 'be better than her'...ignore them. You do what you have to do to regain some confidence and self-assurance, she betrayed you, she lied about it, I fail to see any way to make that relationship work. Honestly it'll drive you insane if you stick it out any longer, when you feel the need to have someone check up on her, then you know she's playing with you to make you seem like the bad guy. She doesn't know what she wants? Force her hand. It'll hurt like hell but taking the initiative will save you the paranoia and distrust. You're nearly 21, you've got plenty of women in the world that'll treat you better, you've just got to wade through some bad ones before you get to the good.

desertcircus

Stripped of any judgment about right and wrong on either side, you should end the relationship. You're not comfortable with her behaviour when you're not around, and she's evidently interested in someone else. Even if you manage to come to a resolution this time, the evidence suggests that you'll feel awkward about her having any kind of close male friend, and that she wants day-to-day intimacy of a kind it's impossible to sustain in a long-distance relationship. End it now, rather than dealing with the symptoms and trying not to think about the causes.

Czarcasm

OP I'm gonna be blunt here and tell you that for either of you, an LTR is ridiculous, and expecting that either of you should remain celibate, faithful, whatever you want to call it, for SEVEN MONTHS, at 20 years of age, a time when you should both be enjoying healthy and fulfilling sex and relationships, the commitment of an LTR is just too much pressure, on both of you, and very, very unhealthy tbh.

From reading your posts, this seems like you want to control this girl from afar, telling her who she can and can't be friends with, because you're jealous of another guy that she has gotten close to while you were away.

I mean this with the greatest of respect OP, but what the hell did you expect? You put far too much pressure on each other to put both your lives on hold so to speak and close both yourselves off to the idea of meeting new people who you COULD enjoy physical company with, and for what? A couple of hours arguing back and forth on Skype?

OP that's not healthy, for either of you, and the way a young girl has been shredded in this thread is quite frankly disgusting. You were just as naive as she was to think you could forsake all others at such a young age and carry on an LTR and think everything would be hunky dory.

For both your sakes, end this relationship now before you cause each other any more mental distress and heartache. The irreparable damage has been done and your relationship will never be what it was again, because even when you get back, that crippling insecurity will still needle away at you and the feeling that she wants to be with this other guy will haunt you, no matter how many times she reassures you, and if it's not this guy, it'll be another guy, and another, and the niggling doubts will chip away at you each time she gets friendly with a guy.

Do you really want to put her through that, if you say you love her as much as you do? Do you really want to put yourself through that? Think about where that will leave you both in five, ten years from now. You'll end up hating each other.

beano345

Czarcasm wrote: »

OP I'm gonna be blunt here and tell you that for either of you, an LTR is ridiculous, and expecting that either of you should remain celibate, faithful, whatever you want to call it, for SEVEN MONTHS, at 20 years of age, a time when you should both be enjoying healthy and fulfilling sex and relationships, the commitment of an LTR is just too much pressure, on both of you, and very, very unhealthy tbh.

From reading your posts, this seems like you want to control this girl from afar, telling her who she can and can't be friends with, because you're jealous of another guy that she has gotten close to while you were away.

I mean this with the greatest of respect OP, but what the hell did you expect? You put far too much pressure on each other to put both your lives on hold so to speak and close both yourselves off to the idea of meeting new people who you COULD enjoy physical company with, and for what? A couple of hours arguing back and forth on Skype?

OP that's not healthy, for either of you, and the way a young girl has been shredded in this thread is quite frankly disgusting. You were just as naive as she was to think you could forsake all others at such a young age and carry on an LTR and think everything would be hunky dory.

For both your sakes, end this relationship now before you cause each other any more mental distress and heartache. The irreparable damage has been done and your relationship will never be what it was again, because even when you get back, that crippling insecurity will still needle away at you and the feeling that she wants to be with this other guy will haunt you, no matter how many times she reassures you, and if it's not this guy, it'll be another guy, and another, and the niggling doubts will chip away at you each time she gets friendly with a guy.

Do you really want to put her through that, if you say you love her as much as you do? Do you really want to put yourself through that? Think about where that will leave you both in five, ten years from now. You'll end up hating each other.

To be fair to the op he just wants the truth if you were in his shoes you'd be the same looking for an honest answer to be able to walk away not getting half ass answers and a head full of more questions.I know the op is young but if your in a relationship no matter what age ya kinda expect faithfullness

Mr. Incognito

Dump her.

She will never respect you and once the trust is gone the relationship is over. Delete her number and cut all contact.

She'll come begging for a week then she will end getting with this guy. Get out with some dignity intact.

rover23

Its so sad that its happening now at the end of the long distance.

In the first semester she would call me/text multiple times on nights out , sometimes crying telling me how she missed me and how much she loved me.She would cry herself to sleep many nights. There was a time before christmas where it got too much and she didn't talk to me for several days.. she said afterwards she needed space. She is an intelligent girl, stunningly beautiful and genuinely not as callous as some people here believe, she has always been honest with me before this...she knows me better than anyone. just a week ago she told me this guy and his friends asked her to live with them next year but she refused. She has always had close male friends before we met.
She has paid a lot of money to come travel over here twice to see me, despite being broke. Most recently three weeks ago.

The facts are bad though and it was totally unacceptable.

She is not thinking straight at the moment I know that for sure and maybe I'm not either.

Regardless of what happens I'm going to take a step back from the situation for a while, put myself first and not allow any more hurt. Let her do the chasing until she realises if ever how much this hurts me. Maybe she won't and then it will be obvious. Very hard to tell from such distance. We have been through a lot together before. We are both each others first loves. It will be our one year anniversary next Thursday.

I'm a confident easy going guy generally but this year has taken its toll and I have never felt so let down or cheated. It was maybe my own fault for going so head on into this relationship from the start. Its still very raw at the moment so I'm just going to keep busy , play it cool and see what happens. Kissing and making up is completely off the cards at the moment.

Her only response now is that she says she is sorry, she is scared about the situation, she loves me and that she wants us to go back to normal. She will stop seeing them (though its a tiny town they live very very close by and will inevitably meet around or on nights out).. and finally that she really doesn't know what to say to make it better.

It will all become clearer very soon hopefully. Thanks for all the responses guys ,I really appreciate it. More would be really welcome as I have few people to talk to about it right now.

IHeartShoes

Are you sure torturing the poor girl is the best action to take? If you cannot cope with what she did and are unwilling to accept her reasonable explanation and seemingly heartfelt apology, by all means you should end the relationship and move on.

But withdrawing and making her do the 'chasing' now to punish her or get her to prove herself, which is the impression I get, does seem unfair. Put her out of her misery. Forgive her and move on or don't and let her go would seem the obvious choices from here.

Mr. Incognito

Sounds like you are being vindictive and dragging it out and when she has done her pannance you will take her back.

Sorry to be blunt but don't be a douche. End it or get over it.