Jealous or Right to be Upset?

rover23

My girlfriend and I have been in a long distance relationship for the past seven months (different countries). Its been going fairly well till now and is due to end in two months when I get back. Something happened the other night though that makes me question everything.

Two nights ago she went out to a College end-of-year ball. I told her to have a good time and asked here to text me when she got in. I never got the text. That didn't bother me too much.

However, When we were Skyping each other last night she was recounting the night. It turned out that after the Ball she walked home to her house with just her and a male friend. When she got back the pair of them and the rest of the housemates stayed up chatting into the small hours until it was just the two of them left. I then asked her straight up did the guy stay over and she told me he did. They both fell asleep on the same couch. I felt sick after I heard this.

I don't know this guy but I know she has been quite friendly with him over the past few months. She assures me nothing happened but whether that's true or not I still feel cheated either way.

I don't know how to feel as I would never do something like this to her and the thought of it is really painful. The fact that she sat up chatting with some guy for hours I don't know and falling asleep next to him is totally unacceptable for me.It breaks all sorts of boundaries.

I don't know exactly what happend but she says they didn't cuddle or anything , that they just fell asleep. Not holding each other would be almost impossible given the size of the couch they were on.

She insists she is just friends with him and nothing happened, they just fell asleep. But he happens to be a decent looking guy and has a reputation as a bit of a "lad".

Needless to say I don't want her to see him again. But she says he's one of her only real friends.

I really don't know what to say or do to make her understand how this feels. Or am I over reacting/over thinking ? Head is just a mess at the moment.

jlm29

rover23 wrote: »

My girlfriend and I have been in a long distance relationship for the past seven months (different countries). Its been going fairly well till now and is due to end in two months when I get back. Something happened the other night though that makes me question everything.

Two nights ago she went out to a College end-of-year ball. I told her to have a good time and asked here to text me when she got in. I never got the text. That didn't bother me too much.

However, When we were Skyping each other last night she was recounting the night. It turned out that after the Ball she walked home to her house with just her and a male friend. When she got back the pair of them and the rest of the housemates stayed up chatting into the small hours until it was just the two of them left. I then asked her straight up did the guy stay over and she told me he did. They both fell asleep on the same couch. I felt sick after I heard this.

I don't know this guy but I know she has been quite friendly with him over the past few months. She assures me nothing happened but whether that's true or not I still feel cheated either way.

I don't know how to feel as I would never do something like this to her and the thought of it is really painful. The fact that she sat up chatting with some guy for hours I don't know and falling asleep next to him is totally unacceptable for me.It breaks all sorts of boundaries.

I don't know exactly what happend but she says they didn't cuddle or anything , that they just fell asleep. Not holding each other would be almost impossible given the size of the couch they were on.

She insists she is just friends with him and nothing happened, they just fell asleep. But he happens to be a decent looking guy and has a reputation as a bit of a "lad".

Needless to say I don't want her to see him again. But she says he's one of her only real friends.

I really don't know what to say or do to make her understand how this feels. Or am I over reacting/over thinking ? Head is just a mess at the moment.

According to her, he's a friend, and nothing happened. If the story was the same, but with a female friend inserted instead of male, I suspect you wouldn't be bothered. If there were past issues with cheating/trust issues, maybe it would be understandable, but you told the story, you seem a bit unreasonable. If you trust your gf, then there's no reason to ask her not to see this dude again. And if you don't trust her, then you shouldn't really be in a relationship with her.

Obliq

Oh jaysus, I don't know - I'd probably feel a bit gutted too and feel that had overstepped a line. That's an intimacy beyond a point I'd feel at all comfortable about and would require so much trust on my part that I'd feel my partner should have predicted that (especially at an early point in a relationship), no matter how drunk. And if too drunk, that's an issue in itself.

On the other hand, there's plenty of my fella's women friends I would completely trust and trust him not to be fancying/having to hold back from, given the same situation, but that's because I know him and his friends extremely well. I wouldn't like this OP. Sorry for your messed up feelings now

retro:electro

I'll probably be in the minority here but I think you're completely over reacting. She has told you what happened so why should you feel the need to think any different? You obviously have trust issues with her. Maybe she didn't text you because she fell asleep like she is saying, simple as. There is no reason for you to assume what she is telling you is lies, right? Falling asleep on the couch with a friend is hardly the crime of the century. Lighten up and give her a break.

heretochat

My immediate reaction to this is that she has been upfront with you about what happened. This speaks to a lack of trust on your behalf OP.

I don't think you can dictate whom she can and can't be friends with to be honest, and if you try to force the issue you end up running the risk of losing her.

I would say you have to trust her on this one if she says nothing happened. I would be subtle about your reservations where this guy is concerned and wouldn't be recommending ultimatums.

irishguy1983

If i were a betting man I'd say something did happen.

Fell asleep my arse.

She is being "up front" in an effort to put you off. We've all done that - amateur move.

strobe

Are you over reacting by ordering your girlfriend to never see one of her friends again because they fell asleep on the same couch? Yes, in a word.

Look if it makes you feel that jealous or insecure or whatever then maybe it'd be cool to just explain that to her, ask would she mind making sure she made it to her bed in future while he took the couch. Chances are she'd respect your wishes.

Telling her she can not see one of her only friends again because of your insecurities and trust issues is more likely to get you dumped before you get back home if anything man imo.

I'd be thinking damage limitation if I was you. Get your ass back on Skype and apologise for being so over the top initially, explain its just tough with the whole LDR thing and thinking of her being in an intimate situation like that with a guy that isn't you makes it tougher. Retract the request that she loses one of her good friends. But ask would she take into account what its like for you to think of her and another guy falling asleep together like that and would she not to let it happen in future, tell her you trust her but the whole idea of it just doesn't sit right as its a little too intimate and familiar.

rover23

strobe wrote: »

I'd be thinking damage limitation if I was you. Get your ass back on Skype and apologise for being so over the top initially, explain its just tough with the whole LDR thing and thinking of her being in an intimate situation like that with a guy that isn't you makes it tougher. Retract the request that she loses one of her good friends. But ask would she take into account what its like for you to think of her and another guy falling asleep together like that and would she not to let it happen in future, tell her you trust her but the whole idea of it just doesn't sit right as its a little too intimate and familiar.

Its true that the distance is a huge factor. Thanks for the advice.

Also bout the trust thing. I trusted her not to put herself in those types of situations in the first place. This is just testing my trust big time. But I agree that she probably wouldn't have told me it happened if she had nothing to hide.

poundapunnet

I can see how this would be very easy to be worried by in a long-distance situation, but worrying about it is not going to help.

Have you ever had any reason not to trust her in the past? Or have you noticed any cooling in the relationship that's coincided with her getting more friendly with the guy in question? Reading between the lines I'm getting the impression this friendship has been on your mind previous to this incident?

If the answer to all the above is no, you can probably relax, but tbh even if the answer to all the above is yes, your options are limited. Pushing the issue and making ultimatums is not going to do you any good. However, maybe a conversation about just why this is bothering you so much-you're missing her, the long-distance is hard, you miss being as much a part of her life as her friends are, nothing accusatory-and exactly what you both feel are acceptable boundaries might be in order. If she knew that this was the kind of thing that would bother you and did it anyway that's a bit out of order, but unless ye had previously had discussions about it I doubt she did, because it sounds pretty innocent.

LegacyUser

I dont know the girl obviously, but if I was told this I would not believe her. I would be upset and I would finish it too

December2012

I think you're over reacting and being out of line telling her not to be friends with this guy.

Either you believe her (in which case she did nothing wrong), or you don't (in which case why would you be still going out with her).

LegacyUser

Not the easiest one to give advice to without more information. Think it boils down to how much you trust each other. The long distance element can test even the strongest of relationships and I don't think anyone would be pleased to hear what she told you. You know her better than anyone here possibly could so I think it would be wrong to take any definitive advise on board from strangers.

Ask yourself a few questions. 1, Has she ever given you any reason to not trust her. 2, Is she prone to playing mind games with you. If the answers to both the above are no you then need to consider whether you being overly paranoid could possibly push her away.

Chucky the tree

I can't ever imagine deciding to fall asleep next to someone I have no romantic feelings for when I have the option of going to my own bed, everyone is different though I suppose. Impossible to know if something happened though and you can't tell her to stop seeing him without looking like jealous nut job tbh.

rover23

A bit of context with this guy. He is a big hit with the women in my college.

Also, a few weeks ago she was on a night out and we we texting. She suddenly stopped and I heard nothing more. I had trouble sleeping so I asked her roommate had she come home and she said she hadn't. This was at 3AM. I then rang her. It rang out 3 times before she answered. It turns out she was at this guys house.. and they were watching TV. She said at the time that it wouldn't happen again and it has but even worse.
I am really struggling to figure this out.

Chucky the tree

rover23 wrote: »

A bit of context with this guy. He is a big hit with the women in my college.

Also, a few weeks ago she was on a night out and we we texting. She suddenly stopped and I heard nothing more. I had trouble sleeping so I asked her roommate had she come home and she said she hadn't. This was at 3AM. I then rang her. It rang out 3 times before she answered. It turns out she was at this guys house.. and they were watching TV. She said at the time that it wouldn't happen again and it has but even worse.
I am really struggling to figure this out.

After reading this I'd definitely has serious issues with how she's behaved. I'd probably just end it tbh.

LegacyUser

Yes I do think you are over reacting to be honest. She fell asleep on a couch with a friend and told you about it as soon as she could. Just because he is male does NOT mean she has to like him as more than a friend. And as for trusting her not to put herself in that situation as you said - I doubt you would have had that same opinion had it been a female friend that had been on the couch. If my bf told me that had happened to him I would trust him because that's what couples are supposed to do. I think you need to get over your own insecurities and say sorry to your gf. You either trust her or you don't.

MagicMarker

TBH I think you're overreacting about the initial incident, however in light of your most recent post something doesn't seem to be right about the situation. I'd be suspicious also.

BUT, you also have some major trust issues. Texting her roommate at 3am to see if she's home? That's… weird.

retro:electro

OP you two are in different countries living two different lives. You can't expect to have her on a leash and want to know where she is and when she doesn't answer your every beck and call you freak out. I assume you're getting on with your life wherever you are and don't feel you need to report your every move to her? You sound fairly suffocating tbh, give the girl a breather she's living her life. If she wanted to be with him she would be with him and the fact that you are away would probably make it easier for her to leave you; she hasn't left you so stop being paranoid.

Your only basis for your dilemma is that other people find him attractive, so what? Maybe she doesn't.

strobe

rover23 wrote: »

A bit of context with this guy. He is a big hit with the women in my college.

Also, a few weeks ago she was on a night out and we we texting. She suddenly stopped and I heard nothing more. I had trouble sleeping so I asked her roommate had she come home and she said she hadn't. This was at 3AM. I then rang her. It rang out 3 times before she answered. It turns out she was at this guys house.. and they were watching TV. She said at the time that it wouldn't happen again and it has but even worse.
I am really struggling to figure this out.

Ah man, for all she knows, you are over there in Australia/USA/England/Wherever riding the brains out of every thing in a skirt that passes your eye line. She wouldn't be able to stop you and she'd probably never know if you did. Is she ringing your room mate at 3am to check if you're home?

Look, trust isn't required when you know something absolutely. You don't have to trust you have fingers on your left hand because you can look down and count them. Trust is when you don't know something, when you can't know absolutely, but you take it as an axiom and go from there.

She could have easily said she was staying in a gf's house that night you rang her at 3am. She could have just left out the part about sleeping on the couch with your man the other night, they were the only two that knew.

Of course it's a possibility she's cheating on you with him, or she's going to. Just like it's a possibility you are after sleeping with some girl 30 mins before your Skype chat with her at night. Neither of you can know that's not the case, you just have to trust each other. You'll be home in two months. After the five months already away that'll fly in. But when you get back she's still going to have male friends. She's still going to head off without you sometimes to college or on girls nights out or whatever. And you're going to head out with your mates on nights out and get a job after college and have female work colleagues or clients or whatever else and basically it'll be just as likely or as possible either of you can or will cheat then.

You've two choices. Trust her, recognising what that really means. Or don't and end things. If she's gonna cheat she'll cheat, with this guy at this time or another guy at another time, and there's pretty much nothing you can do about that. If you're gonna cheat on her, you will, and there's nothing she can do about that. You either have to accept that it's a possibility but trust her anyway, or you end things. It's not easy, trusting someone, but it's necessary if you want to be in a relationship with them on any kind of long term basis. You, her, anyone, has to pretty much just take a blind leap of faith in that regard to some degree when they enter into a relationship. You might get burnt or you might not, but if you think they're a good person, if you love them and believe they love you, you've just gotta roll the dice.

cletus van damme

i'm going to disagree with most here.
I don't think trust is the main issue here - it will be a part though

I think whether you trust her or not . Her behaviour is inappropriate.
Spending the night on the couch is not appropriate behaviour for an attached girl. It's that simple.

Going to his house to watch tv? holy fcuk.
Walking her home and staying there to the small hours.
This guy is on the mooch with her.
She may like the attention (further inappropriate behaviour) or be really naive.

She is spending a lot of time alone with this guy alone which isn't right either.

Now if you trust her that is great.
But in my experience constant exposure to a guy like that will result , in a lot of cases, in a slip somewhere on her part. Or at best he'll make his move and some awkwardness will happen.

I don't think she needs to cut contact but pal around with him as part fo a group and no late night chats on the sofa.
If she doesn't then I think you know what you need to do.

Despite what some people might say there is nothing insecure about being suspicious. The behaviour is there screaming out at you. It's silly not to think it suspect.

Degringola

Personally if I had a boyfriend that was checking with my roommate in the middle of the night to find out if I was home, I'd dump him.

Does your girlfriend monitor your movements too OP, or does the controlling only go in one direction?

LegacyUser

Am I the only girl who's done this plenty in her twenties?

My group of friend included lads. We all went out together and I'd always end up staying up late talking drunk-****e with one of them, male or female.

And God, I've often conked out on the couch, hell, I've even conked out in beds with them. The morning after one particular party I woke up to see a set of feet (in shoes!) beside me on the pillow, which belonged to a guy who'd been in a relationship for about 10 years. Technically we shared a bed that night....but jaysus, we barely registered each others presence!

I certainly had boyfriends during this time. But even looking back, I can't see anything inappropriate about conking out next to a friend. I saw them as kinda gender-neutral, even the attractive ones. It never even occcured to me to flirt, and if they had flirted back, I'd have politely ignored it or changed the subject in order to keep the friendship.

Also it should be said that if my boyfriend had conked out on a couch, even a small couch with someone after a big night out, my first thought would not have been suspicious. Not if he wasn't naturally flirtatious by nature and I'd no reason to think he'd cheat on me. Rather I would just assume that it was exactly how he described. Just semi-passing out. I'd rather that than they struggle out into the night trying to get a taxi, to be honest.

Also, this stuff of checkong with her roomate if they're home yet? Eerrrrrrr.....you're not her Dad. That would not be a turn on for me, sorry.

rover23

strobe wrote: »

She could have easily said she was staying in a gf's house that night you rang her at 3am. She could have just left out the part about sleeping on the couch with your man the other night, they were the only two that knew.

The thing is she lives with a couple of our friends from last year so she could have thought that they would have told me if she didn't.

Maybe there are more reasons for my insecurity.. While I give her my full attention..sometimes when we are skyping she'd be on Facebook typing away only half interested in the conversation. Then I'd ask here who she's on to and she'd tell me him. It just all makes me feel second best and that him and his mates are like a constant third wheel. She doesn't really have any close female friends.

As I said, a few weeks ago I told her I wasn't happy about her going back to this guys house after a night out. She would have stayed over if I hadn't of rang her. She says they are just friends and I don't understand. But that if I wasn't comfortable with it, which I'm really not for various reasons,that it would stop.

Then this happens and I'm left wondering is she trying to subtley hinting for me to leave her... (she is shy and don't think she would ever break up with me). or just being honest even if though she knows I'm not comfortable with it.

I'm despairing because it was working out fine until this. I've been really good to her. This is the only thing

We arranged to talk later . The last thing she told me is that she's sorry, that she loves me more than anything and please not to break up with her.

I don't want it to end but I don't want it to continue like this.

LegacyUser

Continue like what? Your jealousy crippling you?

It doesn't sound like you think she's actually kissed this guy. It seems you just don't want her around a good looking guy. You certainly don't want her to be good mutually supportive pals with a good-looking guy, even though she's very shy and has no close female friends.

So you would, it seems, like her to keep him at arms length, even though you are living in an entirely different country and are not there for her to hang out with.

I honestly am wondering what you would like her relationships with her friends to look like on a daily basis. And if I am wondering it, I'd bet she's wondering it too.

Does she only have female friends now?
Is she allowed male friends if they're ugly?
Is she allowed to have banter on FB with male friends other than him?
Is she allowed to PM male friends on FB? Or only female friends?
Is she allowed to go back to a girls house after the club?
But what if he tags along too as he's part of the group?
Should she then abruptly decline at the last minute and try to find a cab?
Should she decline to go out to clubs if he's there?
Should she be texting him at all?
What if he texts her, should she blank it, or answer only briefly?
If she suddenly stops being his friend for you, what explanation is she supposed to give him or the group?

GreeBo

OP while you might trust her, Id have major concerns about him.
Looking at it from his point of view, he has free access to some cool girl he likes who is happy to spend time with him, at the expense of her boyfriend and the detriment of the relationship.

Add to that its a LDR I'd be worried about the whole situation.

however so far she is still being honest with you, so from her side there isnt really anything that bad going on, I'd be more than pissed about the sleeping on the couch and staying up ignoring her phone personally, but other than an ultimatium Im not sure what you can really do here...

Are you willing to lose her on the back of an ultimatum?

rover23

GreeBo wrote: »

OP while you might trust her, Id have major concerns about him.
Looking at it from his point of view, he has free access to some cool girl he likes who is happy to spend time with him, at the expense of her boyfriend and the detriment of the relationship.

Add to that its a LDR I'd be worried about the whole situation.

however so far she is still being honest with you, so from her side there isnt really anything that bad going on, I'd be more than pissed about the sleeping on the couch and staying up ignoring her phone personally, but other than an ultimatium Im not sure what you can really do here...

Are you willing to lose her on the back of an ultimatum?

This is exactly how I feel.

I don't know what the ultimatum could be though.

skallywag

I had a practically identical thing happen to me OP, I didn't like it at the time. The fact that she did not text as arranged when she got in I found highly unusual, as she always kept to her word. She was apologetic for not texting, but could not offer any plausible explanation. It was a tricky situation to be in, as one can't really feel justified over getting upset about such things, without coming over as being completley paraniod / unreasonable etc. 2 weeks later we have broken up and she is seeing this guy. Sorry, my own story is probably not filling you with confidence ...

rover23

I just talked to her and she came clean to me. I think now I had every right to be worried.

In the beginning I explained that I would forgive her for anything and that could she please be honest with me. She admitted that the two of them were cuddling.

I then asked her did she fancy him/see him as more than a friend or have feelings for him. After much thinking she said she thinks she might fancy him and that she has some feelings for him. She was quite upset saying this. She said " Its hard to explain but its kind of like a step below fancy" . She insisted nothing ever happened and she wants to be with me. She says she misses me so much and she was always lonely and this guy makes her forget that and makes her laugh.

I believe that nothing more has happened, but crushed that she feels that way.

Then when I said that she either needs to stop talking to him or else forget about me she started back tracking and say she didn't want to choose and she had no feelings for him and didn't see him as more than a friend.

I told her I needed to think about it after that.
I dont know what to feel or what to do now.

LegacyUser

I'm a firm believer in trusting your gut. In past experiences mine has always been right, you got a gut feeling and you were right to be worried IMO..

So she was cuddling with him? Honestly OP this long distance seems to be taking it's toll on you both which is sad. If she really misses you like she says then she wouldn't be cuddling him and spending a lot of time with him. I'm saying that because I've just put myself in her shoes and I would never go on like that if I missed my bf.

Maybe cuddling could be seen a harmless to some, but to me that's a no no.

LegacyUser

I think it may have been the mod Big Bag of Chips who was posting a reply on here before about a possible cheating partner who said something like that at the start the cheating person would only at first "admit to the bare minimum" / what they think they could get away with you believing of what happened. (apologies if I'm quoting the wrong person)

That's what this admission of "cuddling" sounds like to me. I would not be surprised if they had kissed, maybe even on more than one occasion.

From even your first post I was wondering why she felt the need to tell you such a detailed chain of events of the night about how he ended up sleeping on the couch with her if she had nothing to admit to. (Although maybe it's because she already knows you don't like the guy and as you said yourself would probably hear it back from the other housemates who are your mutual friends?)
I agree with the poster Irishguy1983 who said that she was only being "upfront" in an effort to put you off because she knew you were going to hear it back anyways from the housemates.

She didn't have time/ forgot to text you when she got home like she said was going to (fair enough, it happen's), but she had plenty of time and energy to stay up chatting with that guy into the small hours until they fell asleep together cuddling?

The other night that she was over in his home alone with him at 3am watching telly, why did she suddenly stop texting, and why did the phone have to ring out THREE times before she answered?

The thing about being more interested facebooking him at the same time she is on Skype to you? Wtf like?

Your behaviour does at first read as jealous and a little controlling, but it does seem to all stem from your deep mistrust about the whole situation, and to be honest I can completely see why you don't trust her. It seems your gut feeling was right as she has now admitted to cuddling and having some sort of feelings for the guy.
Not sure what to advise you to do as every person is different, can only say that I myself would not be happy to stay in that relationship any longer if I was you.

Stretch The Pussy

rover23 wrote: »

I just talked to her and she came clean to me. I think now I had every right to be worried.

In the beginning I explained that I would forgive her for anything and that could she please be honest with me. She admitted that the two of them were cuddling.

I then asked her did she fancy him/see him as more than a friend or have feelings for him. After much thinking she said she thinks she might fancy him and that she has some feelings for him. She was quite upset saying this. She said " Its hard to explain but its kind of like a step below fancy" . She insisted nothing ever happened and she wants to be with me. She says she misses me so much and she was always lonely and this guy makes her forget that and makes her laugh.

I believe that nothing more has happened, but crushed that she feels that way.

Then when I said that she either needs to stop talking to him or else forget about me she started back tracking and say she didn't want to choose and she had no feelings for him and didn't see him as more than a friend.

I told her I needed to think about it after that.
I dont know what to feel or what to do now.

Dump her, she isn't trustworthy, she put herself in a situation with a guy she fancies where something could have easily happened. In fact it did, she cuddled on the couch with the guy all night. Dump her.